The Bachelor, Week 8: The Bimini Bimbo Brigade

I’m woefully behind in all my other TV watching and can’t, in good faith, watch and enjoy Housewives on Housewives henpecking until I know you know what the hell happened on week 7. And it’s only hours before Week 8 begins in most time zones!

After Nick barged in on the girls, had a good ol’ himbo cryfest, and thought really hard about dumping them all, he found solace in the warm, wireless mic’d pectorals of Chris Harrison who tried to give him an out.

“Basically, save face and just call it, man,” Chris said. “ABC will be pissed they invested in such a charmless assclown, but whatevs. We’ll make up for the bad PR by making Rachel our first ever African American Bachelorette and you won’t make your mom cry again.”

But nope, Nick believed there was still some internal humilation up for grabs and he would not stop until all the people were laughing at him.

Back at the house, Raven, Kristina, and Rachel were all bloodshot eyes and speculation. The girls were heartbroken on Nick’s behalf. Poor guy, they lamented! He can’t possibly propose and get dumped a fourth time, could he?

Nick barged in again for another tearful chat with the girls. PV fluffed her hair while the other girls took turns hugging him and looking sad.

NIck explained he had been burned before. (No shit, Nick.) He’d was once confident, but now he had all these bad thoughts swirling in his head and he was confused. Thoughts were for lameos! But then he PERSEVERED once more and kept thinking and guess what! He realized there were still a lot of boobs he hadn’t touched and US Weekly cover stories that hadn’t been written so GOD DAMMIT HE’S STAYING! The girls bursted out crying and hugged one another.

Nick canceled the rose ceremony in favor of ditching icky St. Thomas and heading to Bimini.

“It’s my dream come true,” PV squealed.

The first one-on-one date in Bimini was for Vanessa. The card read: Let’s Go Deeper.

PV was pissed! And frustrated! And really bloated! She hadn’t even had a one-on-one yet!

“He probably wants to get to know her on an intellectual level,” PV reasoned. “Not the good kind of deeper he goes with me.”

But still she couldn’t seem to understand why Nick would pick such a beautiful, calm, nice, personable woman to spend an afternoon and evening with.

PV: I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to make her open up. But he’ll be so disappointed when all she says is, “I’m Italian! I love my family! We make pasta together every Sunday!”

Rachel: Right? Total buzzkill.

PV:  I mean, all he really sees is a special needs teacher. A really pretty special needs teacher, but still? How much depth could she really have?

Their date was on a boat (a risky endeavor for a girl who once vomited in his mouth) because Nick and Vanessa clearly love awkward make-out sessions. They went for it underwater, banging snorkels and masks in a deep sea cacophony that scared all the jellyfish away.

Vanessa got that feeling. No, not that I’m drowning! feeling. The other feeling. LOVE!

“It’s just love!” she said in her confessional. “I mean, he hasn’t said it, but I’m sure he’s feeling it too!”

It looked less like “falling in love” and more like “falling unconscious to the bottom of the ocean due to lack of oxygen to the brain” but what the hell do I know? I’m an old lady who took five and half years to say yes to a first date with my now husband.

Meanwhile, back at the rent-a-house, the other girls enjoyed some light afternoon binge drinking to ease their anxiety. Hometowns were next week so it was extra important to get a one-on-one! Like really important! PV really wanted Nick to meet her dog, see her pool, and of course taste Raquel’s famous cheesy noodles. (Not a euphemism.)

But alas, the next date was a group date and it was for PV, Raven, and Kristina.

Vanessa meanwhile was all in. She saw a future with this creepy, attention man-whore toadstool who tanked his last three relationships on national television. She cried as she told Nick about her “special feelings.” In a surprise move, Nick didn’t immediately shut down and send her packing the way he did with the last two dumbasses who pretended to have “special feelings” for him.

Instead he recounted his rocky emotional past.

Nick: I’ve done this before, you know? And think maybe this time I might try taking it slow. I mean, I’ve been dumped three times on camera. I kind of want to do the dumping now.

Vanessa: But I’m a Special Ed teacher. And I make pasta with my family every Sunday.

Nick: I like you?

Vanessa: I’m Canadian, you asshat! We don’t just say that shit without expecting reciprocation! Besides, EVERYONE WANTS TO BE CANADIAN NOW!

The date ended but Vanessa’s inappropriate, manufactured feelings did not.

The group date was also on a boat because, Bimini.

PV was “in her element!” A yacht, a hot guy. (Where? Who?) She looked great on a yacht. (According to her) and she’s experienced. Being “experienced” in yacht talk meant getting onboard  and immediately taking off your clothes.

Kristina was like “Ew, PV. WTF? But game on, bitch!”

It became battle of the body parts as she too dumped her clothes. Raven was all, “Oh, Jesus take the wheel and turn this mother f’ing whore ship back to the shore!”

Nick on the other hand responded by smearing sunscreen all over Kristina’s inner thigh.

“Don’t want that to get burned.”

Oh, snap! The only thing getting burned was PV! NOT HAPPY! She felt like a third wheel or…something.

Once the boat came to a stop, Nick revealed they would be swimming with sharks.

Raven: You mean Alexis?

Nick: Nope. Real sharks. Because I’M A BIG MAN AND I AIN’T SCARED! Also because no way will ABC let us do anything actually risky.

PV: Are they cute sharks?

Kristina: They can smell blood. And we could die.

Raven: Oh good! Because you’re both scared! So if you both get eaten then there’s a really good chance I’ll get the rose!

Kristina really was scared, had a panic attack, and almost drowned. Nick gets totally turned on by other people’s near death experiences so he rushed to comfort her while PV got pummeled by rogue waves in the sea. She was so confused. Why was Nick paying attention to that panicky, dour Russian girl who couldn’t handle a little shark groping? She felt like she was going to start falling behind. And WTF? Was that a sunburn on her inner thigh?

Post-shark trauma, Nick toasted their survival and whisked Kristina off again. They reminisced about their hard week in St. Thomas, which made Nick start crying again.

“Well, you can’t keep us all,” Kristina reminded him. “Just sayin’.”

PV stuffed bricks of cheese into her face while trying to get Raven to admit how insecure she was.

PV: How are you? Nervous? You must be nervous. You wouldn’t be just sitting there watching me stress eat thirteen pounds of imitation cheddar if you weren’t VERY, VERY INSECURE!

Raven: I’m a little nervous.

PV: Of course you are! Something would be wrong with you if you weren’t.

Raven: Oh there’s plenty wrong with me.

PV: I’m eating my feelings. Look! Insecurity tastes like a johnnycakes and Velveeta! Yum!

After eating enough cheese to guarantee she won’t poop until she’s forty, PV finally got some alone time with Nick. She was willing to do whatever it took to bring Nick home to her nanny. Foreshadowing!

She expressed her concern about not ever getting a one-on-one date and Nick told her that because she was so aggressive, morally bankrupt, and lacked boundaries she didn’t need a stupid one-on-one.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “Anything we would do on a one-on-one we can just do in front of all these people!”

By his own admission, the date rose up for grabs was THE MOST IMPORTANT ROSE EVER. And it went to…Raven?

Let's just kiss behind this half closed door while my other girlfriends wait on the couch.
No, it’s not awkward to make out on the front porch while my other girlfriends are waiting for us on the couch. What would Jesus do?

Her reward for being less gross then the surly Russian orphan and “before ad” for chlamydia medication was another cheesy beach concert from some musician who’s booking agent clearly hated him. It was only slightly better than doing what these two rejects were doing.

#Bummed!
#Bummed!

Danielle got the last one-on-one date and her and Nick rode off into the sunset on bikes while Danielle’s shorts rode right up her ass. They ate fresh seafood, chocolate cake, played pickup basketball with some local tweens, and exhibited more bad dancing. Those shorts, Danielle! Jesus!

Sticking denim where the sun don't shine.
Sticking denim where the sun don’t shine.

She definitely felt like she was falling for him because “It’s just so easy to be with him!”

Easy? Well sure, I guess NOT TALKING is pretty easy. These two had as much chemistry and Kristina and a school of sharks. Even Nick noticed it so you know it was bad. Danielle on the other hand was clueless. In a last ditch effort to ratchet up the heat, Nick brought up her dead fiance. It totally worked–until Danielle fell asleep.

If I close my eyes he can't see me and will go away.
Imma just gonna close my little eyes right here and dream about those precious few seconds right before I hit “send” on my application to be on The Bachelor.

When she awoke she told Nick how much she cared about him and how open her heart was.

But Nick don’t give out roses to bitches who fall asleep while talking about the dead love of their lives so she was sent home before the appetizers they weren’t going to eat anyway arrived.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “You’re so great and you have that amazing dead fiance story.”

“Not great enough though,” she answered.

She left to pack her things and Nick cried on the shore.

Meanwhile, PV was not taking any chances.

“I would live in a shack with no diamonds. That’s how much I…care about Nick.”

She realized it was time to GET AGGRESSIVE. Like, for real this time. Not that get-topless-on- a-first-date aggressive. Not naked-bouncing-in-an-inflatable-castle aggressive. Not eat-whipped-cream-out-of-her-cleavage aggressive. REALLY AGGRESSIVE.

She dressed like a slutty funeral-goer and headed to Nick’s hotel room to “make sure he was okay.”

I totally know how to turn on the sex charm. And the knobs are right here and...here.
I totally know how to turn on the sex charm. And the knobs are right here and…here.

Oh, you’re here,” Nick said, opening the door. “I was going to pour myself a nightcap and have sex with craft services, but you’ll do!”

Next we overheard zippers going south, hushed voices, a massage in progress, and then a man’s voice saying something like, “slow down” and then a woman saying something like, “Oh my F’ing God are you kidding me?!”

“Thanks for checking on me,” Nick said as he walked PV to the door. “I’m good!”

PV was horrified. This was terrible! Her plan backfired! Nick not sleeping with her made PV doubt everything about their fake relationship… and herself. She had never been in a situation where she didn’t have sex with a man she barely knew and it was REALLY SCARY, you guys!

For the first time ever, PV woke up regretting her actions the night before. How dare Nick turn down her platinum vagine? Just wait until she tells her daddy!

Dammit, I wish Taylor was here to explain what the word "consensual" means.
Dammit, I wish Taylor was here to explain what the word “consensual” meant.

Rachel got the last one-on-one date. Nick took her to a place “known for not having tourists” so they must have been damn thrilled when a 32-person camera crew rolled up.

Rachel admitted she never brought home a white guy, but told Nick not to worry.

“It doesn’t matter what color you are,” she said. “They’re gonna hate you regardless.”

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison sat Nick down to remind him how important tonight was.

Chris: You’re essentially asking if you can go to their hometowns. That’s way more intimate than eating dairy products off of a pair of boobs or rubbing sunscreen on a labia. You get that, right?

Nick: Dude! You think this is my first time or something! Bah ha ha! My first time!

Chris: Oh, right! Ha! What was I thinking! Just trying to get some air time, my friend!

Of course Nick knew how important tonight’s rose ceremony was and therefore he already knew who’s parents he couldn’t fathom facing. He canceled another rose ceremony and cried in Chris’s arms over the fact another great woman was about to go home.

Chris responded like Nick was about to remove his own kidney and throw it in the ocean.

“It’s not gonna be easy man,” he said, rubbing Nick’s back. “Stay strong.”

Nick surprised the girls at their rent-a-house causing them to scatter like cockroaches under a halogen glow. He calmly asked for…Kristina.

Oh, shit! Chris was right. This would not be easy!

I will have you killed for this.
I will have you killed for this.

Nick: I love you but I’m not in love with you.

Kristina: You didn’t give me a fair chance. Also you are a stupid bastard.

Nick: You deserve someone who can sit here and not say they have four other girlfriends.

Kristina: I know.

Nick: You are amazing.

Kristina: You’re letting me go.

Nick: I’m doing you a favor, dummy.

Kristina: Even in Russia you would be considered doltish. Also you have a tartar problem. Goodbye.

She went inside to be comforted by Nick’s other girlfriends.

OMG I was THIS close to marrying that guy! Holy shit, you guys, that was so scary!
OMG I was THIS close to marrying that guy! Holy shit, you guys, that was so scary!

Even though there were only four girls left and usually four hometowns, they were convinced Nick was on some wild eviction spree. NO ONE IS SAFE! It remained unclear if anyone other than PV actually wanted Nick to meet their families, but it was clear Nick was shitting a brick.

“If I was someone’s dad, I’d have a lot of questions for me,” he said. “I’m disgusting!”

In the always awesome post-credits scene, Raven and Kristina found PV’s drunk, lifeless body and decorated it with cheese cubes. As detailed in her living will.

Here lies PV. She died surrounded by what she loved best: cheese and alcohol.
Here lies PV. She died surrounded by what she loved best: cheese and alcohol.

Tune in tonight four hours from now to find out if Raquel’s cheesy noodles is really all that!

 

The Bachelor, Week 6: Can I Walk You Out?

After a pretty snoozy previous week I was ready for some epic showdowns. While I wouldn’t say there were showdowns, there were definitely “show you the doors,” which is almost as good.

The episode opened with the girls pondering what could possibly have happened in the bayou on the dreaded two-on-one. Did Nick cast PV off to the nearest walk-in clinic or was Taylor forced to seek comfort with her PhD and giant dictionary? WHO WAS GOING HOME?!

Their sad suitcases sat by the front door until the unamed, unspoken production assistant was sent in to fetch them. The girls held their breath as the PA pretended to not know which bag to take, drawing out the agony of suspense for a good three and a half seconds before finally settling on Taylor’s bag. The remaining girls gasped! How the hell did that slimy, stunted boob slip by for another week?

While Nick and PV enjoyed their alone time, Taylor was on the stomp of shame, heading right to the non-restaurant they were dining at. By golly she was determined to use as many big words as she could to let Nick know she was the victim of lies and manipulation. I mean, if Nick sent her packing because she was boring or condescending or lacking any positive personality traits, then FINE. Been there, done that. But she was not a bully!

Some women take off their earrings. Some take off their bras.
Some women take off their earrings before sparring. Some take off their bras.

When Taylor walked in, Nick and PV did a horrible job pretending to be surprised. PV’s drunkeness looked totally authentic though. 

PV: What the BLEEEEEEEEEEEP is she doing here?”

Taylor (to PV): You lied.

PV: Uh, duh.

Taylor (to Nick): You were lied to.

Nick: No shit.

Taylor: I care about you as a person. When you’re lied to it’s not respectful. She’s making me look bad. It’s MY job to make me look bad, not hers! How dare she take that away from me!

Nick: Honey, you look so bad right now and it’s all you. I promise!

Taylor: Quit trying to seduce me! It’s over! Open your eyeballs! I’M NOT WEARING A BRA!

Nick: I really appreciate you leaving your undergarments in the bayou and taking the time to tell me this. I have nothing but respect for you and everyone knows I can’t possibly date a woman I respect. Please leave. For real, this time.

PV  tried to be a supportive psychopathic trophy wife who pitied her man and those crazy bitches he kept having to fend off, but talking was so icky.

“Let’s make out!” she said, ramming his face into her mouth.”

Later, Nick confessed he still saw potential with PV.

“Oh wait,” he said. “Did I say potential? I meant nipples! Oh ha, sorry! I SEE NIPPLES WITH PV!”

In her confessional, PV slurred something about cats having nine lives, but bitches had two. Was she confusing “lives” with “personalities?” Because if so she’s not giving herself enough credit.

“Don’t ever call me a liar in front my boyfriend!” she screamed.

The girls arrived for the  rose ceremony by way of horse drawn carriage, but their giddiness soon soured when a very solemn Chris Harrison told them there would be no pre-ceremony cocktail party.

“Nick knows exactly what he wants to do,” he said.

You know what I want to do? Make out with this here rose. And get wasted.
Like hell there won’t be a cocktail party! Tell that to my blood alcohol content!

Jasmine burst into tears because without the cocktail party she wouldn’t have time to tell Nick how she really felt. And lemme tell you, she was feeling PISSED! Why hasn’t she had a one-on-one? Why doesn’t he talk to her? Why hasn’t he proposed to her yet? Why does she have to be the alternate African American girl?

But the Universe loves affirmative action and gave Jasmine a reprieve. Instead Nick sent home Jaime, the drag queen, and Alexis whom I will truly miss.

Jaime said she had no regrets. She’s probably only going to date women after this anyway.

No regrets, Jaime? Not even that lipstick?
No regrets, Jaime? Not even that lipstick?

Alexis blamed her ousting on the fact that she wasn’t vulnerable enough. Then she burst out crying.

The remaining girls and Nick toasted the next stop on the Bachelor tour: THE ISLAND OF ST. THOMAS! Nick was super excited because according his calculations, this was the week he would start falling in love.

Kristina the Russian got the first one-on-one date.

As her and Nick took off in a seaplane, the other girls waved and blew kisses. Except Jasmine who was bawling on a street corner.

“It’s hurtful,” she said. “Watching the man you saw your future with take off with someone else.”

Nick was determined to find out everything there was to know about Kristina. He started pestering her, the girl who grew up in an orphanage, about family.

Kristina: I have 9 siblings.

Nick: Wow. So there’s 10 of you?

Kristina: No. Maybe 8.

Nick: So, 9 including you?

Kristina: No. I don’t know. But I have a sister in Russia. Let’s drink!

But Nick really wanted to press on about her life in the orphanage and nail down how many god damn siblings she had and wouldn’t stop until he got Kristina to tell this really heartwarming tale about how one day when she was little she was so hungry she ate lipstick. Then when she was five her mom got mad at her for something and sent Kristina to the orphanage. The end. Or something like that. I was too sad to keep listening. Nick cried big, droopy man tears as he gave her the rose and all the food off his plate, some cash, and a few credit cards. Later a steel drum band played Ave Maria so they could awkwardly sway like white people, under a gazebo.

Back the resort, the conversation was a lot more peppy!

Vanessa: Did you know St. Thomas was once owned by Denmark?

Other girls: No. Wow.

Annnnnnnnnd scene.

Suddenly there was  a knock! Was it a date card? Or Chris Harrison? Or another production assistant to snatch someone’s suitcase? No! It was a maid! PV was ecstatic and immediately began shouting orders at her.

“My dress is wrinkley!

“I’m hungry!”

“Do you have any lobster dip?”

“Fix my towel!”

“DO YOU WANT TO COME TO AMERICA WITH ME?”

Jasmine was pissed off because her name was on the group date card. Whitney and one of the Danielle’s would be going on a two-on-one. They were paralyzed with fear.

Nick thought the group date would be a fun, casual day at the beach. They drank, played corn hole, and then he forced the girls to play beach volleyball for his enjoyment. PV, not a team player, was super bored so she left to try out some other sports.

PV's sport of choice. What? Shooting is totally a sport!
What? Shooting is totally a sport!

For once the other girls agreed with PV. No one liked volleyball. NO ONE! As the welts rose on the inside of their wrists, that stupid white ball made the girls question EVERYTHING. Why was Nick paying so much attention to PV? Why did he think a good date involved competitive beach sports? WHY WERE THEY ON TV TRYING TO MARRY THIS GUY?

Shit started to get real real. Especially Jasmine’s shit.

“If jasmine were a vegetable she’d be a turnip because she’s turned all the way up.” Good one, Raven. But why would you say that?

Oh.

Bitch, down!
Bitch, this ain’t volleyball. It’s a HO DOWN! Now stay there!

Holy shit, Jasmine! Did you just shove PV into the sand? I think I love you!

Rachel and Vanessa were the next ones to hit the proverbial showers. Rachel didn’t feel valued and refused to compete for Nick’s attention. (Rachel? I appreciate the sentiment, but you did sign up for a game show where you compete for some rando’s attention. Just sayin’.) Vanessa thought the whole thing was gross and annoying and too much of a metaphor for her life should she end up with Nick. One by one, the remaining girls went down like the Rum Runners PV had for breakfast. Each girl found her own private swath of sand and cried. Slow clap for Nick’s awesome date?

“I think the idea of having a nice relaxing date might have backfired,” Nick concluded, while peeing in the ocean.

Later, Nick doled out glasses of alcohol and apologized for making everyone play volleyball and cry. During their alone time, each girl told Nick how freakin’ miserable they were and if they didn’t truly believe they had a shot at being the next Bachelorette, they’d have beat feet weeks ago.

Jasmine was a freakin’ ticking time bomb. She was happy to accept glasses of alcohol, but not the fact that Nick didn’t try to spend as much time as possible with her. She wanted to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE because she liked him so much. She won’t shut up about WHAT SHE NEEDS. Nick needs to DO THINGS FOR HER! All the other girls were like, Ho, shut it. We’re all drunk and desperate too. You ain’t special!

Finally Nick pulled her aside for what he thought was some good old-fashioned getting to ho you. But umm, not really.

Jasmine: Why’d you bring me to St. Thomas? I’ve been to St. Thomas. Don’t you dare overlook me!

Nick: To be fair, I didn’t bring you to St. Thomas. ABC did, but…

Jasmine: I love you so much I want to choke your face off.

Nick: Umm…

Jasmine: I ain’t here for vacation! I’m so confused. Why won’t you talk to me?

Nick: Because you’re a bit of a ding a’ ling to be honest and I’m afraid you’re gonna choke my face off.

Jasmine: I like you a lot. I see a future with you. I really do.

Nick: Is that future in the waiting room of a psychotherapist’s office? Because I see that too.

Jasmine: OOOOOOH I JUST WANT TO CHOKE YOU SO BAD!

Nick: Ha ha hahahahhaha

Jasmine: Oh, not in a sexulal way! Don’t worry. In the murdery way!

Nick: Oh good! Hahahahahaha

Jasmine: I just want to throw your ass down and be like UGH!

Nick: Oh! Right! Ugh!

Jasmine: Like this. I want to put you in the chokey!

Nick: Oh it has a name! Cute!

Jasmine: Want me to? I’ll do it right now! Want me to? Huh? WHY ARE YOU OVERLOOKING ME!?

Nick: It’s been super fun but it’s time to say goodbye. Can I walk you out? Can security walk me, walking you out?

So I grab you by the jugular like this. And then I squeeeeeeeeeeeze until you turn blue and I can hear your little bird bones crust beneath my fingers. That's a "chokey!"
So I grab you by the jugular like this. And then I squeeeeeeeeeeeze until you turn blue and I can hear your little bird bones crust beneath my fingers. That’s a “chokey!”

Jasmine, having returned to her body from the murderous astral-plane she was visiting moments ago, appeared confused. Wait. Why was he letting her go? Chokey just a jokey!

“He didn’t give me a chance,” she reasoned. “I came here to fall in love with someone. Anyone. Mr. producer, are you single? IS ANYONE SINGLE!”

Nick felt like perhaps he was going in the wrong direction with these women and was beginning to lose confidence in the process. Oh, Nick, now you loose confidence? Not the first time you were dumped at the alter? Or the second? Or when the guy you were dumped for the first time took another girl from you in Paradise? You’re losing confidence now? One might say…oh, what’s the word…FINALLY!

But Nick somehow mustered enough energy to go on his two-on-one date. Like any good two-on-one, this date involved a remote location, a helicopter, and rented patio furniture.

We have this furniture for 6 hours so if you want to hang out after Nick dumps you, go right ahead.
We have this furniture for six hours so if you want to hang out here after Nick dumps you, feel free!

Nick spent two minutes talking to Whitney and three minutes talking to Danielle before deciding he needed to send Whitney home. Or rather, leave Whitney on the deserted beach while he and Danielle flew off in the chopper.

Whitney was perplexed. Instead of using words to find the reasoning, she used her eyes.

So what part of "I'm a pilates instructor" do you not like, numb nuts?
So what part of “I’m a pilates instructor” do you not like, numb nuts?

The date continued for Danielle and Nick who dined in a fort that was formerly a prison. Moved by all the mason jar votives in this fort-prison, Danielle admitted she could totally see herself falling in love with Nick. Nick pulled a Whitney and used a penetrating stare to communicate, “What the actual F are you talking about, girl?” Not awkward at all. Nope.

Nick: Yeah, so I’m not really into falling in love with anyone tonight. If I was going to do that I’d have chosen Whitney. Did you know she’s a pilates instructor. I mean… HELLO!

Really Nick felt bad because this was the second dumbass to say they were falling for him and he wasn’t feeling the same. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON? Old Nick would have been dumped three times by now!

Nick was struck with a powerful realization that perhaps he’s the problem. Maybe he can’t reciprocate the same kind of love. Maybe he needs to be the dummy who is too available. Maybe, like Ben Higgins, he was unlovable! MY GOD. WAS HE BROKEN? 

Nah, he’s fine. Danielle was the problem so he sent her packing. Wait until Whitney sees her at the airport!

As Danielle pondered what the hell just happened, she thought, maybe he’s not perfect. But no. That would be weird. I guess she’ll never know.

When another producer came to fetch Danielle’s suitcase, the girls who remembered to take their laxatives, crapped a chardonnay brick. What the F was going on up in this virginal island? You expect this kind of wonky witchery in NOLA, but here?

No sooner had the wine sloshed out of their goblets and onto their cutoffs, did Nick barge in and start crying.

Ah, go home, Nick, you’re drunk!

He started blubbering about being honest and how he used to be so optimistic and now he’s afraid he’ll mess up every single one of these fake relationships.

“I want it to be real, I want it to be right, I just don’t know if I can keep doing this,” he said.

Seriously, dude, I’m kind of with you. If a superficial douche-bagel like you can’t fake it with a hot pilates instructor, you should probably hang up your Varvatos ties now. But that’s just me.

After Nick made that not-at-all cryptic speech he bolted, leaving the girls in tears and confusion, or for many of them, just another Tuesday night at home.

“HE’S GONE!” Raven shouted.

“OH NO!” The rest of the girls screamed.

TO BE CONTINUED! I yelled.

] Will Nick come back? Will he come to his senses? Does he have senses? Will he toss the remaining 6 girls and get 6 new ones? Is that allowed? And most importantly, will PV don her trusty Carmen Slutdiego trench coat and stilettos and finally consummate her non-relationship with Nick? And then will she bite his head off? I hope so!

Tune in next week!

 

The Bachelor, Week 5: Later, Gator Haters!

Week five of The Bachelor was so uninspiring I thought about not doing a recap. But then what the hell would I do with these 8 pages of notes?

It started off promising. Chris Harrison said we were about to witness, “The most anticipated showdown of the season!” YES! Bring it!

Err…really, Chris? I love ya, buddy, but come on. We’ve both witnessed our fair share of showdowns.  You decide.

The Scene: Two women in their early 20’s, basking in the glow of a roaring chimnea, arguing about the definition of emotional intelligence.

Taylor: Lots of girls are questioning your maturity, PV.

PV: Oh, okay, well that makes sense. But maturity is totally different than emotional intelligence.

Taylor: No, it’s not.

PV: I’m marrying a guy I met on TV. How’s that for intelligence! Also, you’re gross.

Taylor: Actually maturity and emotional intelligence go hand in hand.

PV: Unlike you and Nick! He’ll never hold your hand the way he HELD MY BOOBS! Because you’re gross!

Taylor: I can’t argue with you. You’re way too stupid. This is the lamest showdown ever.

PV: No, I’m not! Stop talking like you’re some kind of mental health counselor!

Taylor: I am a mental health counselor.

PV: Yeah, a gross one! I want to know what yerrrrrrrrrr…perspective on emotional intelligence is.

Taylor: That’s what I’ve been telling you.

PV: Ugh! I can’t believe people pay you for advice!

Taylor: That’s not what I do actually.

PV: BECAUSE YOU’RE THE GROSSEST!!! And you don’t say hi to people! When you see someone in the kitchen and then in the bathroom, you should say hi again!

Taylor: That’s just dumb!

PV: So you do admit you genuinely ignore people! I knew it! I’m gonna school you!

PV didn’t so much as school Taylor as ran to Nick telling him what a big, gross bully Taylor was.

“I’m not going to be fake or a liar right now,” she said. (Always a good opening.) Then pretended to be hurt because Taylor “isn’t nice” and “ignores people.” Also PV was really worried about Nick.

“She’s rude, Nick. About…things. And she feels very…oh what’s that word they keep using to describe me…umm…oh! Entitled! She’s totally not here for the right reasons.”

Nick appreciated her candidness and encouraged her to continue showing that maturity. And by maturity he meant, boobs. Duh.

The only thing better than Rachel's cheesy noodles is throwing a bitch under the bus.
Mmmm….victory. Tastes just like Raquel’s cheesy noodles.

Nick thanked the girls for standing outside, in winter, in the midwest, in sequined thongs and having “honest conversations.” He left them with a swath of blanket to fight over while he ran off to deliberate who would still be in the running to be the third woman he proposed to on national TV.

PV was confident the Taylor ship had been cast from Nick’s manscaped shores.

“Hashtag winning!” she gloated.

Hashtag shut the hell up, PV!

Kristina, the Russian hygienist was not impressed with petty squabbling.

“Both those bitches should go home,” she said. “Or return to the barn and fight to the death like we do in my country.”

As the roses were doled out, we saw girls await their names with increasing discomfort. Was it the fear Nick would send them home or how painful it is to have cold sequins pressed into your lady parts. With only two roses and four girls left, including Taylor and PV, THE STAKES WERE NEVER HIGHER. My goodness, who will get those last two roses? I’ll tell you. PV got the second to last rose because Nick will not be satisfied until he has all the STDs. And of course Taylor was apathetically offered the last rose. NO WAY!

Astrid and Sarah were sent packing. Astrid was like, “Later, dude!” but Sarah was super disappointed. Love was the only thing she wanted in her life and the only thing she couldn’t get. “HOW DO I GET LOVE?????” she sobbed.

Umm, like that, Sarah. Just like that. You cry your guts out to a production crew who gets cash bonuses for making girls like you cry, while wearing a T.J. Maxx evening gown with the tags still attached, in front of a rented California mansion about a “relationship” that wouldn’t last longer than a peeled banana on a kitchen counter. You look totally desirable right now! HASHTAG WINNING!

Post-ceremony Nick announced the whirlwind adventure would continuing in New Orleans, which scared the holy shit out of Raven.

“What if someone buys a voodoo doll or something?!”

As the girls settled into their new penthouse digs, Chris Harrison arrived to lay out the week’s date plan.

One one-on-one date!

One group date!

and…

The dreaded two-on-one date!

Oh! Maybe that would be the most anticipated showdown?

Rachel and Nick’s one-on-one kicked off at an outdoor market where vendors schlepped petrified gator heads and amethyst pendants– the perfect backdrop for the heavy making-out that took place there. But things didn’t heat up fast enough for Nick who is used to girls just handing him their bare boobs first six seconds into a date so he shoved an oyster down poor Rachel’s face. Next they sampled hot sauce and had another make-out session. Something worked because  Nick declared they had the most “explosive chemistry.” I’m pretty sure he was talking about diarrhea.

Later they cooled things off by rubbing beignets all over their bodies. Never having had one before Nick thought the proper way to eat it was to fill his man pores with powder sugar and try to suck it back out with his tongue.

 

Actually, Rachel, this is not fun. It's actually kind of gross, k?
“Like this?”

Then they jumped in a Second Line– a traditional New Orleans parade–for a little booty shaking and pavement twerking.

“This is so fun!” Rachel gushed. “I haven’t danced in a second line since I was here for a funeral two months ago!”

The other girls could see the explosive chemistry from their penthouse window and it made Jasmine sad. It’s clear Nick only needs to keep one African American girl to not look like a total racist and clearly it wasn’t going to be her. At least she’d be able to take some high quality toiletries with her when she inevitably goes.

After a bit more white boy dancing and day drinking, Rachel revealed a sideboob and the fact she was on the best date of her life. And then Nick escorted her to an abandoned Mardi Gras float warehouse for dinner. Totally not creepy AT ALL!

No, YOU just shit a brick!
No, YOU just shit a brick!

Rachel talked about her dad who happened to be a federal judge.

“So he’s, like, intimidating?” Nick asked.

“He can be.”

“Ew. Do I have to call him sir?”

Back at the penthouse, the girls anxiously awaited the group date card because if your name ain’t on it, to the Thunderdome you go! I bet you have NO IDEA WHO THE TWO IDIOTS GOING ON THE TWO-ON-ONE DATE COULD BE, DO YOU?! 

But first we must suffer through an incredibly boring group date at a haunted plantation house. Here’s another dramatic reenactment:

Boo (the caretaker): Our house is haunted by Mae, an 8 year-old girl who died of scarlet fever. Please don’t touch her stuff. Especially not her doll. Okay, thanks!

Raven: Oh hell no! Little Ghost Girl, I rebuke you in the same of Jesus! GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!

Jasmine: I have no time for greedy spirits. Bitch, no one wants your damn doll! But if you have any of those beignets I tasted in Nick’s beard, it’s game on!

Girl 1: Oh look, a ouija board!

Girl 2: Yay! Let’s ask it questions!

Girl 3: Will Nick get engaged soon?

Girl 4: Who is having a herpes outbreak RIGHT NOW?

Girl 5: Is Mae with us?

LIGHTS OUT!

All the girls: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

And then a whole bunch of fake, scary things happened including Nick spiriting each girl away and making out with them on the lawn. He made it a point to spend a little extra time ramming his tongue down one of the Danielle’s faces because he was pretty sure he liked her a few weeks ago, but couldn’t remember a damn thing about her.

I couldn’t either.

And then a darling little scene happened between Raven and Nick:

Raven: I just knew I was in love with you when you sang that song from The Little Mermaid!

Nick: Uh…uh…did I? That’s…interesting.

Oh, Raven.

The questionable Danielle got the date rose. No one cared.

Back at hotel PV was getting into the “right mindset” for her cagematch.

The platinum! IT BURNS!
The platinum! IT BURNS!

“She thinks she’s smarter than me,” PV snarled, while shoving $600 worth of room service into her face. “She’s so stupid.”

If she were really so smart she’d be eating all this food and charging it to one of the Danielle bitches.
If she were really so smart she’d be eating all this food and charging it to one of those Danielle bitches.

Rachel entertained herself by pretending to care what happened to either girl.

Rachel: Just be confident. Or whatever. I really don’t care. Bitches be bitches.

PV: I just hope Nick sees my golden heart.

Rachel: And your platinum vagine?

PV: Oh, girl, he’s seen that. You wanna?

And then for no reason other than she really wants me to track her down and give her a good, old throat punch, PV shouted, “MAKE AMERICA CORINE AGAIN!”

The dreaded two-on-one date took place at an alligator-infested bayou where one girl would become gator feed and the other would leave with Nick. You decide who the real loser is.

Taylor’s game plan was to treat the date like a one-on-one with a small side of PV.

“If he actually picks her, umm, ew,” she said. “He’s obviously thinking with his BLEEEEEEEEP.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ARE A MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR AND YOU JUST REALIZED THIS! Jeesh. Maybe PV was right.

They departed on a tiny, tippable boat helmed by the by-product of a Duck Dynasty and Alaskan Bush People reality show love child.

On shore they nearly stepped on a spine (yes, a spine) before jumping into a voodoo ceremony straight out of American Horror Story. Here they met a real life voodoo priestess who took one look at Nick and decided there wasn’t enough chicken blood and sage in the world to cleanse that under-aura.

“Get ready to be revealed,” the priestess said.

PV shouted, “READY!” and took off her shirt.

The priestess escorted them to a psychic set up at a tiny IKEA bistro table perched upon some animal carcuses and poison ivy. The producers went all out for this one.

Taylor had the first reading.

“There is someone around you who is very nasty, lots of toxic energy, kind of a ho?” said the reader said. “You know anyone like that?”

No disrespect to the psychic arts, but can I get a big NO SHIT, SVENGALI! Do you watch the show or did you get a whiff of the ol’ penicillin villain over there?

Meanwhile Nick was pulling bugs out of PV’s hair extensions while she whined about the “situation” in the house.

PV: She emotionally attacked me. She said I was immature! She called me stupid!

Nick: But honey, you are all of those things.”

PV: Oh, I know, but I also have a nanny who makes me cheesy pasta and can cut my cucumbers like tiny matchsticks. I mean, how freakin’ cool is that? You want my cucumber matchsticks, Nick. You want them real bad.

When it was PV’s turn with the psychic she tried real hard to feign interest, but readings–psychic or otherwise–aren’t  really her jam.

Psychic: Girl, something reeks like dirty alligator swampiness and lemme tell you, it ain’t the dirty alligator swamp.

PV: Probably that gross bitch, Taylor.

Psychic: OMG, you’re dumb as a petrified alligator turd. Back away from my cheapass bistro table before I snap one of these legs and beat you with it. Any questions?”

PV: Yes. Do you have a voodoo doll I could have? One that looks a lot like Taylor?

Psychic: I do! Enjoy!

Taylor rejoined PV at the bistro table while Nick presumably deliberated.

Taylor: I can’t believe you used your time with Nick to rat me out.

PV: Do you by chance have a sharp pain anywhere near your heart right now?

Taylor: You can’t have a relationship based on whipped cream and lies.

PV: How are you possibly a mental health counselor?

Taylor: How can you possibly run a multi-million dollar company?

PV: Once again, I have a nanny, ya dumbass! I don’t do shit! 

Nick sat down and lamented about what a hard choice this was having to choose between an intelligent, educated (albeit annoying) woman with a PhD and a girl-woman bimbo whose boobs have had more screentime than a toddler on a cross-country flight.

Of course Nick handed the rose to PV. I mean, OF COURSE! Jesus, Nick. I just can’t even…

Taylor was so grossed out she didn’t even notice Nick, PV, PV’s voodoo doll and the scary boat skipper took off down the bayou without her. A-ho, Matey!

Several hours later, the psychic came back to pack up her table and tell Taylor to get the hell out of here. It was nighttime but thankfully voodoo cleansing rituals require a lot of fire because the priestesses were super easy to spot in the dead of night. Taylor threw herself into the middle of their circle and received a complimentary soul cleansing complete with a smokey sage bath and tambourines clanging in her face. Her confidence rose like a phoenix from the ashes. She was a water sign, dammit! She was emotionally intelligent! She won’t go home without speaking her piece!

So was this going to be the most anticipated showdown of the season? I’m so confused.

Back on the mainland, PV and Nick enjoyed a candlelit dinner in a location definitely not a restaurant. PV was so happy the negative energy was gone and apparently didn’t need a bunch of voodoo priestesses to banish it.

PV: I’m so glad we’re alone! I’m so glad you trust me. I’m glad I showed my boobs on TV. And I’m glad we’re alone!

Nick: Boobs are great!

PV: I’m so glad we’re alone! Why do the producers keep making me say that?

Cut to a freshly minted, but still furious Taylor stomping along the sidewalk. Hell hath no fury like a woman abandoned in a bayou. Her chakras are clean and mean and done with peen (yes, I had to. #sorrynotsorry.) Nick was about to get an over-articulated, multisyllabic dressing down from Thesaurus Rex.

THIS must be the most anticipated showdown of the season! But wait– to be continued! YOU RAT BASTARDS!

Good thing you only have to wait a few hours for the next episode. See? I did you solid by being 6 days late with this recap.

Will Week 6 be the end of PV? Will Taylor say anything Nick actually understands? Will anyone wear a cardboard Nicolas Cage mask? Oh come on! Like that would happen!

Face off! Seriously! TAKE YOUR FACE OFF!!!!
Face Off. Seriously! TAKE YOUR FACE OFF!!!!

The Bachelor, Week 4: A Treat for the Teats

Oh man, it’s going to be so sad when the producers finally let Nick send PV home. But until then…

Episode 4 opened with the girls talking smack about PV. She’s immature, she travels with her own portable bouncy house. She’s not ready to be a wife. She doesn’t even know how to make toast.

But where was she?

I love vodka, yes I do, I love rum and tequila too.
I love vodka, yes I do, I love rum and tequila too.

Oh right. 

Then there was Vanessa begging Nick for validation. Does he like her or does he like PV? Because clearly he can’t like them both. I mean, do you like syphilis and stupidity or…not?

“Imma gonna shove this rose up your ass if you’re wasting my time,” Vanessa declared.

“Or you could just keep it to smack me with when I’m being all dumb and shit,” Nick offered.

Vanessa walked away confident that Nick was buying the anti-PV propaganda she was selling.

Oh girl, have you never watched this damn show? The villain doesn’t leave before Week 5! Smack him!

Frustrated by the lack of dry heaving and bare breasts in the house, two of the girls went to wake up PV and drag her ass downstairs.

“Huh, what?” PV asked all rumpled and confused. “Is it a school day? I don’t wanna go, Raquel!”

“You’re entitled! You’re privileged! You’re selfish! Now come downstairs and hang out with us!”

PV didn’t know if those were good adjectives or bad adjectives, but erred on the side of people seemed to really despise her.

“I ain’t entitled, bitches! I’m goddamn shitfaced! Can’t you tell the difference between an overindulged brat princess and a drunk chick? Girls are such haters!”

Just before roses were handed out, Nick thanked the girls for being so patient and open with him.

“I appreciate each and every one of you telling me what a crusty, immature, incompentent, spoiled baby ho-bag PV is, but she’s totally getting a rose this week!  Good night, bitches!”

For whatever reason everyone except ALL OF AMERICA was shocked.

“She’s just a physical connection,” one of them blathered.

“What the hell does he want in a partner?” another questioned.

Ladies, lemme explain those things for you:

She’s just a physical connection: Duh.

What the hell does he want in a partner? See above.

Eliminated Crying Girl in Red Dress #1 bawled in the driveway. She was so ready to fall in love, dammit! Now what????????????

Eliminated Crying Girl in Red Dress #2 had been single for so long and now she was convinced she’ll never find love. I mean, if you can’t find it here, you can’t find it anywhere. And to think she used to make fun of girls who cried on this dumb show!

As the remaining girls and Nick brought it in for a big, sleazy group hug, PV took the opportunity to make an awkward toast.

“Hiiiiiiiiiii! I’m just so happy to be there! Amazing opportunity to find love and we all deserve it! Cheers, bitches!”

Really she was just excited to have another week of makeout sessions with Nick.

“Come and get it, Nick!” she screamed. And then she bit the head off her rose. No joke. I shit you not. Bit. The. Head. Off. A. Rose.

You like dried, crusty, week old Redi Wip, baby? Have I got a treat for you!
You like dried, crusty, week old Redi Wip, baby? Have I got a treat for you!

The girls couldn’t figure out how PV skated through another week and speculated it must be because Nick’s only keeping girls with whom he has potential. Hmm…interesting hypothesis, ladies. Next you’ll spend your days building a robotic laboratory and launching it into space.

The next day Chris Harrison arrived with exciting news. They were about to embark on a journey around the globe!

“Pack your booty shorts and Vagisil! You’re going to Milwaukee!”

What? Milwaukee’s on a globe.

It also happened to be Nick’s hometown (give or take 75 miles) so the girls were beside themselves at the thought of being the third TV-found girlfriend he brought home to his parents.

And speaking of parents, Nick met those sweet, normal, beaten down people at a local coffee shop where his mom burst out crying at the sight of him and his dad made Nick promise this will be the last goddamn time he tries to find a wife on a stupid ass TV show.

“Aren’t there any chat rooms you could hang out in? Or a nice Coyote Ugly waitress with low self-esteem? We really don’t want to see you on this show again.”

“It’s totally different this time, Dad!” Nick explained. “Some of these girls come with their own nanny! And I’ve already touched like 17 ½ bare breasts!”

And then Nick cried because they were making him so sad.

Danielle L. got the first one-on-one date and wow, what a treat! Nick dragged her around his hometown showing her sites like the library where he made-out with girls and the hill where he had a lot of “firsts.”

Their wholesome adventure continued at a bakery where they decorated cookies in their image and used their tongues to smear frosting all over each other’s faces.

As luck would have it they ran into one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends. NO WAY! And because things weren’t scripted and contrived enough, Nick was all like, “Let’s totally hang out with her!”

Amber, the ex, gave Danielle advice. “He’s like…heart driven…you know? That’s what everyone is missing.”

Right. Totes. Heart driven. What everyone’s missing. So weird that it didn’t work out between you two. Later, Amber!

Nick thought Danielle L. was super nice, but just knew there was more to see. Fortunately, at dinner she forgot to wear a shirt so Nick could see exactly what it was.

Coco Chanel said you should take off one accessory before leaving the house. I'm totally keeping the earrings and ditching the shirt.
Coco Chanel said you should take off one accessory before leaving the house. I’ll keep the earrings but ditch the shirt.

She credited her parent’s messy divorce with why she won’t rush into relationships– unless it’s on TV. Then it’s game on! They ended the night in what looked like a school auditorium watching some guy sing while people cheered at them. Much making-out ensued.

Meanwhile…

The group date card arrived. It read: Say Cheese

Hmm, this was a stumper! Why cheese? What does that have to do with Wisconsin? Everyone’s name but Raven’s was on the card meaning God’s Favorite Goth Girl would be going on a one-on-one.

The teats were out in full force as the girls donned their finest heels and infinity scarves to meet Nick at a dairy farm. Oh!!! Cheese!!! I get it!!! There they shoveled poop, fed cows, marveled at how smelly a farm is, and watched Nick bottle feed a baby cow.

“It’s so wonderful to see!” They gushed as they fantasized about Nick being an absentee father they spend a decade arguing with in family court.

PV begged to differ. This was not her scene. There were flies everywhere and no nanny to swat them away. She didn’t want to do chores! Especially farm chores! She wouldn’t even make Raquel do farm chores!

Nick attempted to milk a cow, but got schooled in the whole, “this is how you touch a teat” business by the one-time lesbian, Jaime.

PV could not escape the poop. It was everywhere!

“Poop poop here. A poop poop there! There a poop, here a poop, everywhere a poop poop! Wah! I need sushi!”

Her fingers hurt from holding a device commonly used for manual labor so she had to go find a nice, comfy rock and take a sit down. Look, she respected the other girls for shoveling shit, but that ain’t her jam. And she had a serious hand situation going on. She couldn’t move her finger!

Girls called (cow?)bullshit and later PV overheard them talking about how sick of talking about her they were.

Inspired by her trip to the farm, PV ran off and compared herself to an ear of corn.

“Peel back that silky husk and see my little golden pellets of…information. Juicy, buttery information. You want to get to that corn. NICK NEEDS THAT CORN!”

Buoyed by the juicy, buttery information popping up inside of her, PV decided it was time to get wasted, take a power nap, and put an end to this bitter back talk.

“They think I’m just a bubbly little dumbo,” she said. “But I’m not! I know what’s going on! Bartender!”

She gathered the girls together and admitted she might not be everyone’s favorite, but if she did something to offend them then by all means tell her.

Okay, then! It was clucking cacophony as the hens rushed to tell PV how offensive she was.

“You’re not genuinely ready to marry a 36 year-old man!”

“Did you really lug that bouncy castle all the way here? Because those things are heavy!”

“You rubbed your bare boobs all over Nick’s chest! You probably gave him some disgusting STD like hives or eczema or an ingrown chest hair!”

“You can NOT nap through a rose ceremony! It’s the law!”

Taylor, the mental health counselor who is clearly infiltrating these women as part of some interactive PhD thesis, called her immature to which PV countered: Do you call these immature!” 

I'll show you immature! And I'll totally show you my boobs! You want me to? Because I want to!
I’ll show you immature! And I’ll totally show you my boobs! You want me to? Because I want to!

PV was appalled at the stupidity and ignorance and pettiness of her fellow wives-to-be. These bitches were pissed off over a little shut-eye and minor sexual assault in a bouncy castle? Please.

“I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking a nap,” PV said. “MICHAEL JORDAN TOOK A NAP! ABRAHAM LINCOLN TOOK A NAP!”

Besides, it apparently was a very stressful week around Bachelor Mansion so she needed her bouncy castle to decompress. She was having a panic attack, okay?

Nope. Not okay. The hens started shrieking again, which somehow comforted PV and made her believe everything was okay. Even though she loved everyone again, she still wanted to tell Nick how mean and dumb and poopie they were being to her. Nick listened, nodded along, but for inexplicable reasons other than she had a visible cold sore, didn’t kiss her.

“That’s okay,” PV claimed. “We had more of an adult conversation tonight. No time for kissing.”

Kristina, the Russian hygienist, got the date rose.

Raven got the stupidest one-on-one date in Bachelor history, but she was too dumb to notice.

“If I could choose to have a one-on-one anywhere in the world it would here!”

Really, Raven? A Milwaukee suburb is your dream date locale?

They pop by Nick’s little sister’s soccer game where– surprise!– they run into Nick’s sad parents. They took one look at Raven and were forced to imagine stuffing Christmas stockings with black eyeliner and ichthys-adorned socks and started crying again. Whatever happened to that sweet Amber girl?

The date continued its downward spiral at a roller rink where they shot the duck and flew the camel with a bunch of twelve year-olds.

At dinner, Raven talked about her last serious relationship, which ended when she discovered her boyfriend in bed with another woman.

“You walked in while they were…doing it?” Nick asked.

“Like I know what her vagina looks like,” Raven said.

“Oh man, sorry. Isn’t there a Super 8 in your hometown? That dumbass should have been more careful.”

“…and then I bashed his head in with that whore’s stilleto. The end. Pass the bread basket please!”

Nick found Raven “interesting” and “sassy,” both common adjectives used when describing a psychopath. Noting the height and pointiness of her shoes and the softness of his skull, Nick handed Raven the date rose and spent the rest of the date rocking back and forth in the arms of a PA.

The rose ceremony was held in a freezing barn outfitted with only one 17 inch swatch of blanket. Danielle L., that whore, and her rose immediately squirreled Nick away, causing the other girls to question her integrity, loyalty, motives, natural hair color, mother’s maiden name, and tolerance to gluten. Hoes before roses, bitch!

Taylor, with no shits left to give, sparred with PV before running off to interrupt Danielle L. and Nick.

PV and a drag queen– wait, nope, that was Josephine– talked about how disgusting Taylor was what with all those degrees and covered up body parts. Clearly Taylor wasn’t here for the right reasons. If she were, she’d be taking advantage of all this free food.

Screw, Nick! Let's marry these dumplings!
Screw, Nick! Let’s marry these dumplings!

After shoving 34 chicken nuggets and a bowl of spinach artichoke dip into her tyrannosaurus-esque maw, Josephine channeled PV’s nanny and gently reminded her to chew her food.

Full up on deep fried courage, PV took Taylor outside to yell at her.

I'm gonna choke on my tongue and THEN tell Taylor how much I hate her!
First I’m gonna choke on my tongue and THEN tell Taylor how much I hate her!

And now, a drama in one-act:

PV: They way you’re treating me is disgusting and really mean.

Taylor: You have Velveeta on your lip.

PV: I hate you.

Taylor: Well, your feelings will get hurt if you keep asking people to tell you why they think you suck.

PV: Why do you think I suck?

Taylor: You’re too young and immature. And you have a nanny. Oh, and you’re dumb. And lack emotional intelligence

PV: Ha! Emotions aren’t intelligent! Who lacks intelligence now, ya dummy?

Taylor: It’s a thing.

PV: Well, you’re playing Miss Proper. So there.

Taylor: I’m not. I’m just way smarter than you.

PV: I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE! Like LITERALLY punch you in your FACE!

Aw, crap, that’s where it ended! Well sort of. You’ve got to keep watching past the previews to get these fabulous outtakes of Nick and Alexis. In this episode, Alexis confessed the two things she’s most afraid of: Nicolas Cage and aliens.

“Do you think any of the girls here might be aliens?” Nick asked.

Alexis pondered this thoughtfully before nodding. “Raven.”

Well, duh.

Shit’s getting real at Bachelor Mansion! The gloves are off. And if you’re PV or Danielle L., probably your shirt is too.

Until next week!

 

The Bachelor, Week 3: Rapenicillin’s Tower of Terror

Episode 3 starts with all the hens cackling about Nick’s sudden dismissal of Liz the doula and their illicit tryst at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. The rumors swirled. The un-botoxed brows furled. Knotted stomachs hurled. Now, I ask you: What’s more shocking? That two people hooked up at a wedding or two people who met on The Bachelor got married? Is this really going to be a big deal? I mean, the guy had sex ON TV THREE TIMES (at least) and yakked about it in every gossip outlet afterwards.

But alas, Nick took a page from PV’s shirts and went with full transparency figuring some of the girls might actually watch the show when it airs.

“Uhhh, so we were at Jade and Tanner’s wedding,” he started. “And stuff happened. And then we had sex. The end.”

The girls looked appropriately grossed out, but found it in their hearts to forgive knowing Nick would do so many scummier things this season. Even gothy bible girl Raven was totes cool. It practically happened in a church so it’s fine!

PV had no issue with Liz going home because Liz “had intercourse with Nick” before she did! But she’s not dissuaded and knows she has qualities men find attractive. Qualities like a platinum vagine and boobs with an adverse reaction to clothing. We totally bought what she was selling because twelve minutes in, PV got stamped with another network decency mandated black box covering her knockers.

“I want us to explore each other sexually,” she said in voiceover as she drunkenly made her way down a spiral staircase dressed like the love child of Carmen Sandiego and the Central Park Flasher.

A girl's best accessory is a black bar over her boobs.
A girl’s best accessory is a black bar over her boobs.

And then shit got real. Real…icky.

Here’s how it started:

Where...is...my...peppersp-- oh! Here it is!
Where…is…my…peppersp– oh! Here it is!

Oh, Reddi Wip, I’m so sorry you were dragged into this!

And here’s how it continued:

You want cream with your mouth herpes?
You want cream with your mouth herpes? Coming right up!

PV and Nick sat on a lovely outdoor bench where she proceeded to shove a can of whipped cream down Nick’s throat, filled him with frothy goodness, and then sucked the cream back into her mouth. Even though she could barely keep her head up and eyes open she somehow conjured enough dexterity to douse her cleavage with cream.

If I had to see it, you do too.

What? Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the word!
What? Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the word!

“She’s good at creating chemistry between us,” Nick noted in his confessional.

Enough with the amateur theatrics, PV was ready to get the party started. She tossed Nick off the bench and onto two giant throw pillows someone had the foresight to place on the lawn. She straddled him, mashing whipped cream between their bosoms like a big, sun damaged whoopie pie. Nick struggled because (obvious) parts of him wanted to do the lust and thrust right there on those mysterious red pillows, but his other parts realized getting it on with a contestant in front of 56 people– some of whom he was allegedly dating– might make him look like a giant bag of dicks. He really didn’t want anyone to be uncomfortable.

PV was sad. How on Earth did her trusty “aerosol dairy asphyxiation” routine not go as planned? IT ALWAYS WORKS!  She sobbed into the arms of another blonde girl who kindly reassured her there’d be plenty more chances to seduce Nick with dairy products and slutty trench coats. Consoled, PV passed out in a bunk bed with her date rose and missed the rose ceremony. Hailey was one of three girls sent packing and the only one who didn’t seem to think a bullet had been dodged. She sobbed on the lawn where giant red pillows of promise were once strew and lamented about how love is a journey. A shitty one, but a journey none-the-less. Whatever went wrong with Nick was clearly HER FAULT. Also she probably shouldn’t have put her dress on backwards.

Errmm...is my tag showing? Is anything else showing?
Errmm…is my tag showing? Is anything else showing?

The next day Chris Harrison showed up promising to “blow their minds” with this season’s group dates. Before the girls had a chance to make ridiculous, ignorant and overly-speculative assumptions about what that meant, The Backstreet Boyz in all their manscaped soul-patch and jazz hands goodness showed up. The girls swooned over the opportunity to dance on stage with the Boyz and possibly win a private serenade with Nick in front of 500 people.

“I can’t dance,” PV said. “Like at all. Can someone hand me the whipped cream and unhook my bra?”

As it turned out, PV really couldn’t dance and it was awesome. But a lack of coordination hurt her feelings. She didn’t feel confident, pretty, cute, bubbly or fun anymore. This was so unfair!

After she had a good ugly cry in the bathroom, she got downright murderous learning that Danielle won the contest and got to awkwardly sway with Nick in front of 496 incredibly bored thirty-something moms and four gay dudes. Nick and Danielle threw all decorum to the wind and started in on a butt-grabbing make-out session, totally forgetting Nick’s seven other girlfriends were watching.

PV was convinced THIS WAS THE WORST DAY OF HER LIFE and took a different approach post-concert. She kept her boobs covered and let the platinum vagine do the heavy lifting. (And speaking of heavy, how heavy would a platinum vagine be? How does this girl make it up the stairs?) It worked! Nick totally forgave her attempted rape on the front lawn, threw her some compliments, and loudly lapped at her face. And then…and then…OMG, no she didn’t. She did. PV made a Trump reference saying, “I made Corrine great again!” And then she passed out.

Once she regained consciousness, PV rejoined the ladies still on the date and admitted to wanting a boob job.

“Just a tiny one.”

The other girls agreed, wistful for their own tiny boob jobs, but worried about how that would impact having kids. (Umm, it doesn’t?)

“Oh, kids,” PV said. “I can’t handle my own life, how can I handle kids. Better get Raquel on that.”

The girls were confused. Who the eff is Raquel? Does her platinum vagine have a name?

“My nanny, ya dumb bitches!”

“Sorry, you’re what now?”

PV was incredulous having to explain what a nanny is. What the hell was this? 2009? Of course she has a nanny!

“She keeps my life together. Fixes my bed, makes me lemon salad, cuts my veggies. I can’t make cheese pasta, ladies! Who can do that?! And it makes her happy! Why would I stop a woman’s happiness?

???

Jasmine was so upset by this (read: drunk) she literally fell down. Just dropped to her knees right there. As she repeatedly banged her forehead on the cold, Spanish tiles she swore she’d slap Nick with the rose if he dared give this immature, nipple-flashing, nanny-having bitch one.

Vanessa, (the nice, normal girl who is going to regret this for the rest of her life) was invited on the one-on-one date. Her and Nick flew on a Zero G plane which was all fun and weightless games until she puked in a tiny white bag. All that time Nick has spent around drunk-ass women gave him a surprisingly amount of compassion. He still made out with her.

Later, still  turned on by gross bodily functions, Nick told Vanessa she made him “very excited” and then he burst out crying. Okay, then.

On the next group date, former Olympians Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix, and Michelle Carter coached the girls through a series of ridiculous trials with the end goal of scoring some private time with Nick. Astrid obviously didn’t think they’d really be doing anything athletic and immediately regretted the gossamer and washi tape she tried to pass off as a sports bra. (Her boobs now hold the record for the high jump.)

The aforementioned private time was soaking in a hot tub romantically situated along the side of the track. (Placed by the person who left the mysterious red sex pillows? Hmm…)

Astrid didn’t win but her boobs were so sore the girls let her have it.

And then more stuff happened:

  • Dominique started to unhinge
  • Alexis and Nick made out on a giant banner of him topless
  • Jaime apologized for coming across as the “weird lesbian,” which wasn’t true until she said that
  • Dominique continued her descent into Craycrayville
  • Nick remembered how cool Rachel was
  • Dominique saw Nick and Rachel kissing and lost her shit
  • At her wit’s end, Dominique told Nick he wasn’t fair. He didn’t try to get to know her. He didn’t try to pull her out of her head. HE DIDN’T NOTICE SHE WAS A SOCIOPATH WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND TRY TO FIX HER, DAMMIT!
  • Nick was all, “Oh, I noticed! Just like you should notice that black SUV parked outside with your suitcase in it! Bugger off now!
  • Rachel felt bad until Nick handed her the coveted date rose
  • The pre-rose ceremony cocktail party was canceled (GASP) so they could have a pool party instead! (Yay!) Girls don’t spend hundreds of dollars lifting their ass cheeks in a spray tan booth for nothing!
  • Raven rubbed sunscreen on Nick’s torso the way Jesus intended

And then…

PV thought the other girls were desperate for trying so hard. Unlike her who spent hours applying makeup and pondering which bikini top had the highest probability of falling down. She had a big treat in store for Nick– A castle bounce house! Raquel must have sent a care package! Thank goodness PV doesn’t have to try so hard.

She dragged Nick into her inflatable pleasure palace where she hopped around so much her entire body needed pixilation. She pounced on Nick and stuck to him like a suckerfish on an aquarium wall.

Ugh! That better be whipped cream! Image from The Ashley's Reality Round- Up.
Ugh! That better be whipped cream! Image from The Ashley’s Reality Round- Up.

The other girls were horrified. Raven was so over this shit. Once Nick was freed from Rapenicillin’s Tower of Terror, she pulled him aside and told him he was making a big mistake courting PV.

“She’s 24 and has a nanny!”

Nick was appropriately flabbergasted. “A NANNY?”

“Yes, you godless gnat! She can’t even slice her own vegetables or use a clock radio!”

“But is the nanny hot? Like maybe from Brazil? WHY DIDN’T SHE BRING HER???”

The rest of the night Nick spent reconciling his desire to find a wife and plunder the depths of PV’s platinum shores.

“Do you want a wife or someone to f*ck around with?” Vanessa asked. “Because when a girl pukes in your mouth, it should mean something.”

Yeah! It should.

Next week PV is in the hot seat. Is it a UTI or girl clique gone rabid? Burn, baby burn!

 

The Bachelor, Week 2: Sun’s Out, Boob’s Out

Instead of a timely recap of The Bachelor, I thought it would be more beneficial to “refresh your memory” as we’re now less than 24 hours from Episode 3. Also I found Episode 2 a little ho-hum.

Emphasis on the ho! Heya!

No really, with the exception of the Slutty Little Train that Could and Would and Does Every Freakin’ Chance She Gets it really was kind of blah. Thank God producers we have one very big, shiny, precious exception: Platinum Vagine (henceforth known as PV.) Every rose has it’s horny thorn and this girl is the biggest prick. Because of that, let’s just focus on her boobs antics this week, okay?

One of the best things about The Bachelor is how well it captures real life. You got a group of girls–now roommates–each suffering from their own fresh breed of daddy/abandonment/low self-esteem issues, hanging out in their PJ’s, tousled hair extensions and the morning sun rising behind them. As they sip champagne, they discuss their STRONG FEELINGS for the guy they met face-to-face nine hours ago.

But, Shelly, you say. Don’t be such a cynic! You’re all bitter because you have a day job and you wasted all that time getting to know your husband before getting hitched. Also, you’re OLD!

But they don’t even know this guy! Well, except for the HPV-Walking persona he crafted on television. He’s gross! Even other drunk, gross guys don’t like him!

Aw, come on, Shelly! Watching someone court and subsequently get dumped by THREE Bachelorettes on TV totally counts! Besides, haven’t you heard the old adage about “a person who is nice to you but rude to the girls who dumped him at the altar isn’t really a nice person”? Or something?

Oh fine. Ever hear the old adage that says, “no matter how shitty a person you are, there will still be at least 30 people who want to date you?”

But back to PV.

Sister hives. Ick.
Sister wives, sister hives. Ick. Amirite? Image courtesy of Instagram

She, along with a bevy of other women, were invited on the first group date of the season. 

Always a bridesmaid” the card Chris Harrison dropped off said.

“I’ve never been a bridesmaid,” PV said.

No shit? Could it be because most bridesmaids are friends of the bride and most brides don’t want to give their guests gonorrhea as a party favor.

The photoshoot, helmed by Tom Sellback’s super flamboyant, starving, sun damaged estranged brother, was a big blur of bare midriffs and booty shorts, but thankfully no sharks masquerading as dolphins. Nick fully believed one of those bags of saline would become the fourth woman to reject him on national television. PV was convinced it would be her because she was first to kiss Nick and the first name on the date card so clearly she’s number one.

“It’s better than being number 2,” she said. “Or going number 2.”

Umm, no it’s not. Maybe try adding some fiber to your next fuzzy navel, ‘k?

The photoshoot required girls to dress as various brides: 80’s, shotgun, beachy, traditional, dumb ho who met her husband on a reality TV show. PV gets the “slutty slutty bimbo” theme requiring a skimpy white bikini, but immedately gets pissed when she sees the “Adam and Eve” bride. The only thing covering that bitch’s upper half was some jenky hair extensions and Jergen’s Natural Glow lotion. Come on! Clearly “topless bride” was PV’s jam. 

Oh man, I hope this glue is dry. Image courtesy of Refinery29
Oh man, I hope this glue is dry. Image courtesy of Refinery29

Each girl took the “opp” in “photo opp” and used their session to ram their tongues down Nick’s throat. The others looked on and giggled, totally forgetting they were also dating this ass-clown. Well, all of them except for our little minx, PV who was uterly grossed out. Fortunately she does her best scheming when repulsed.

Everyone knows wearing a wet, white bikini sized for a baby guinea pig is too modest, not-to-mention inappropriate for snatching a husband out from 44 desperate, well-manicured, claws. Therefore, PV jumped in the pool, ripped off her top, and smeared her dumb, wet boobs all over Nick’s manscaped chest. He was all, “Whoa, wow, what is happening? Too fast, too fast, girl! Just kidding. Let’s get a room!” and she was all like, “Grab my dirty pillows and strike a groom-like pose!”

Afterwards, PV marveled at their connection and never once assumed their “sexual chemistry” had anything to do with waving her naked, man-made tatas in a straight man’s face. She was super proud of herself for being “daring” enough to take off her clothes unlike those silly puritans who only claim they want a husband. WHY ARE THEY MAKING AMERICA WAIT TO SEE THEM TOPLESS? What are their dads going to talk about at the office tomorrow? This is why they’re all single.

In her confessional, PV gushed over the awesomeness of the afternoon!

“NIck held my boobs today! HELD MY BOOBS!”

Cover my boobs with your hands! My dad's golf buddies are watching for goodness sake!
Cover my boobs with your hands! GRAB THEM! Don’t embarrass me in front of my dad’s golf buddies! Image courtesy of Elite Daily

Later, on a rooftop overlooking LA, the other girls sipped white wine while Nick had more private time with PV’s boobs. He told her she’s sexy and he loved her initiative. She BEAMED! BEAMED I tell you! She showed her appreciation by riding him like a commuter train in rush hour and eating his face.

PV returned to the other girls merely to rub in how fantastic her and Nick are getting on and how brave and bold and beautiful she was for going topless today. In her absence, Nick fills the time with gothy God-lover Raven who expressed concern. She gave up playing Gothy Mary for her church’s live nativity scene to meet a husband on on a game show and wants to know if Nick really has potential.

“Look,” she said. “I like you and I’m not calling you an asshole, but I am attracted to assholes because they just speak their minds and they’re open and I really like you.”

See, PV? This girl is eating enough fiber because clearly she understands assholes.

Sharky McDolphinhead tried to get some one-on-one time with Nick, but PV wasn’t playing.

“Go find a nice tuna net to curl up in, would you?” she said, taking ANOTHER turn with Nick.

Ooooh, girls don’t like girls who interrupt private time so they can get ANOTHER ROUND of private time!

When PV returned from her co-opted second make-out session she feigned concern because her nipple might have been “out.” Oh dear. Not the same nipple that was just floating in the pool along with your other nipple, two areolas, and two fake boobies BECAUSE YOU RIPPED OFF YOUR BIKINI TOP LIKE IT WAS COVERED IN FLAMING ZOMBIE FIRE ANTS. The horror!

No one responded, which immediately raised PV’s incredibly empathetic and intuitive hackles. 

“If you can’t handle being interrupted, then why did you come here?”

???

I mean, duh? Image courtesy of MonsterGif

Image courtesy of MonsterGIF

But was she done? Oh hell no! You don’t walk around with a platinum vagine and not feel obligated to shove that shit in some two-bit bachelor’s face. Once again she interrupted someone else’s one-on-one time and sent a sad, willess, dummy with manners back to the open bar. Boobs or no boobs, this girl was annoying as streaky self-tanner! No eff’ing way can Nick think this is cool, right? I mean, this is her third interruption! Even if he has no standards, thinks initiative = ripping off your top, and is a total asshat NO WAY IS HE INTO HER!

But the third interrupted casualty wouldn’t go down so easily. She returned to finish her conversation and sent PV straight into a tizzy. You DO NOT interrupt an interrupter! Re-interrupting is RUDE!

After yelling about and at the re-interrupter, PV made sure there were no hard feelings.

PV: “You’re okay right? No hard feelings?

Girl She Interrupted 2x: “Yeah.”

PV: “You’re fine?

Girl She Interrupted 2x: “Yes. Fine.”

PV: Are you sure you’re fine? Because I’m not getting a sense that you’re fine.

Girl She Interrupted 2x: “I AM FINE.”

PV: “Oh really? You’re fine? Really, bitch? You wanna see fine? LOOK AT MY BOOBS! NICK’S HANDPRINTS ARE STILL ON THEM! I’LL NEVER WASH THEM AGAIN!

And because I’m a total expert on this show and fluent in reading douchebaggery, Nick gave PV the damn date rose ensuring her safety for the week. Really, Nick?! I DON’T KNOW YOU AT ALL AND I HATE YOU MORE THAN EVER!

Other non-PV related shit that happened:

  • A helicopter date, a dead finance story, more contrived sympathy leading to the doling out of a one-on-one date rose.
  • Second group date gave girls the opportunity to break up with Nick as part of an interactive exhibit. Nick suffered PTSD.
  • Jaimi once dated a girl.
  • Nick and the chick he hooked up with at a wedding had it out. He wasn’t convinced her motives were pure and she had a hard time coming up with a reason for being there other than, “I like wearing bathing suits on national TV!” He asked why she didn’t just get his number from their mutual friend to which she replied, “I don’t like phone conversations and auditioning, getting cast, quitting my job, and leaving everything behind was so much easier.” Totally realistic story aside, Nick believed she was just a fame whore and asked her to leave and please never wear those booty skorts again. Skorts, dammit!
  • Nick had to explain to the other girls why there would be one less box of tampons under the sink at Bachelor Mansion and oh btw, him and Liz once got shit-faced at a wedding and had sex in a hotel hallway. MIND. BLOWN.
  • Sharky celebrated the one year anniversary of her boob job by sharing two nipple-adored cupcakes with Nick. I like her!

The episode ended there! But previews showed lots of shocking, mocking, and PV cock-blocking, as well as bikini-clad girls ugly crying in bathrooms.

Can’t. Freakin’. Wait.

 

The Bachelor, Week 1: Whores Galores

I only feel slightly bad for using the word, “whores” but hello! We’re talking about The Bachelor here! Not Uniceff Goodwill Ambassadors.

Now that you’ve read all of those timely recaps, how about one that’s 2 days post-mortem? Great! Let’s go!

Season 21 kicked off with the standard gratuitous topless shot of our reformed bad boy, super jerk bachelor, Nick out for a jog in <<insert major metropolitan city.>> Because ABC really wants women to like this guy, they treated us to an additional six seconds of Nick undressing and hopping into a steamy shower while a rather generously-sized black box covered his private parts. I mean, it was a really large black box. Like thigh-to-navel black box. I’m pretty sure Nick doesn’t need a black box quite that large to cover his privates but whatevs. Probably had that worked into his contract.

Because this is Nick’s FOURTH time looking for love on national television, it is important to relive all of his super humiliating alter dumpings and general douche-baggery. See, women hated him because he’s an STD personified and men hate him because women still want to sleep with him. Whatevs again. Nick then tries to explain away all of his bad body language with things like, “When I sit like this I’m not really bored!” or “My face always looks like a cat’s asshole! I can’t help it!” Really he’s a super nice guy who just happens to look like a bag of dicks.

So, umm, we racked our brains and think we came up with a really good catch phrase for this season."
So, umm, we racked our brains and think we came up with a really good catch phrase for this season.” – Love, the ABC Marketing Team

We get it. You’re the new bachelor. We’re supposed to like you and want you to get engaged so 4 days later you can tell Us Weekly you amicably ended things after lugging your college mattress all the way to her hometown and wish nothing but the best for each other. Get on with it!

Next, we saw previous Bachelors Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, and Chris Soules join Nick to talk about how much they hate him and hope this is the last god damn time he uses The Bachelor platform to find a wife. They also gave him advice.

“Do not open your mouth when you kiss any of those women! That’s totally gross!” said Bachelor Ben.

“Just pick the most boring girl that doesn’t warrant any airtime so people will think you accidentally fell in love with a PA or crew medic or something,” said Bachelor Sean.

“Don’t believe a girl who says she’ll move to a farm in remote Iowa. She won’t. Apparently that’s kind of a deal-breaker. Whatevs,” said Bachelor Chris.

Finally it was everyone’s favorite part– watching the parade of sequins and thong underwear exit a limo. This time the Universe brought 30 desperate fame-whores women to Bachelor Mansion to bed, and hopefully wed the most desperate fame-whore of all.

Whose going home with cold sores and a case of pancreatitis? At least 80% of these women:

Danielle C.: A giant pair of boobs who apparently owns 3 nail salons. Not sure what her face looked like or really even if she had one. Did I say giant boobs?

Elizabeth: Umm, she does something in marketing?

Rachel: Pretty. Smart. Attorney. Seems like the kind of woman you’d want your single guy friend to bring to your dinner party. But alas, she’s African American so, well, you know how it goes. Don’t get attached.

Christen: Some idiot who hid behind a yellow fan, did an awkward short-lived flamenco interpretive dance, and got all star struck when she came to fan to face with Nick. Chris Harrison maybe warrants this sort of behavior, but Nick?

Taylor: Mental Health Professional who has been studying Nick for the last four years. Tells him all of her friends absolutely despise him, but she doesn’t believe all the horrible, venomous crap they’ve been spewing and is totally sure they’ll come around when he proposes.

Kristina: Former Russian orphan turned dental hygienist.

Angela: A model, because of course.

Lauren: Acknowledges the unfortunate pronunciation of Nick’s last name (Viall = Vile) and said she felt his pain because her last name is “Hussy.” “Together we would be a disgusting slut,” she said. I can’t help but like this girl.

Michelle: Owns a food truck or something.

Dominique: She’s a restaurant server. Not a waitress, okay?

Ida Marie: Despite his bad boy image, she totally trusted Nick and to prove it did a trust fall. Cool! What’s your game plan for your first date, Ida Marie? A Myers Briggs test?

Sylvia: From Alaska. Gave Nick an eskimo kiss.

Sara: Ran up to Nick because he’s always the runner up. Get it? Get it?

Jasmine G.: ?

Hailey: “What does a girl who wears underwear say?” I don’t know. “I don’t know either.” Ooooooh!

Astrid: From Sweden! Also the name of my first ever D&D character!

Liz: A doula who slept with Nick at the wedding of former Bachelor couple, Jade and Tanner. Seems pretty proud of the fact, but isn’t sure if Nick will remember her. Say whatthef?!

Corinne: Resident big time slutty villain. Works for “multimillion dollar” family business. Has her own personal nanny. For her. Spoiler Alert: This is the bimbo with the platinum vagine.

Vanessa: Special Ed Teacher. Beautiful. Multilingual. By far the best quality girl on the show who will inevitably wind up ugly crying in a hot tub and not understanding how she ended up being the girl who ugly cries in the hot tub. Shame.

Danielle M.: Made Nick lick homemade maple syrup off her finger. Sticky and sweet just like her.

Raven: A holy Wednesday Adams. Where she’s from (somewhere down south) they “go mudding and read their bibles.” Oh girl, welcome to the mansion. You’ll totally fit right in.

Jaime: She has balls! On her nose ring! Super classy.

Briana: A stethoscope-yielding nurse who checked Nick’s heart rate. If you’re doing nurse stereotypes, why not do the slutty nurse thing? Know your audience, Briana!

Susannah: Gave Nick a beard massage and I’m still not sure why.

Josephine: Another nurse! Brought a book with a hot dog inside and proclaimed Nick to be a “wiener in her book.” Because that wasn’t horrible enough, she made him take a bite of said wiener and vomit in the bushes.

Brittany: And another nurse! This one goes with the pop proctology exam! Hey Brittany, do you know how to pump a stomach or dislodge a warm, undercooked hot dog from an airway? Because if so, you’re needed in the bushes.

Jasmine: Flight attendant.

Whitney: Pilates instructor. Because flight attendant wasn’t cliche enough.

Lacey: Rides in on a camel because she knew Nick liked “a good hump.” Remarkably all the other women are jealous because they didn’t think of this grand entrance.

Alexis: Resident endearing psychopath who is obsessed with dolphins so she shows up in a shark costume. No one is jealous of this entrance.

"They call me Flipper, Flipper, Flipper, because I flipped my lid!"
“They call me Flipper, Flipper, Flipper, because I flipped my lid!”

The night in a nutshell? Here you go:

Jasmine, the flight attendant is the first to cry. 98% of the women wore a red dresses.  Alexis is absolutely convinced she’s a dolphin even though she’s clearly dressed in a shark costume

What? You've never seen a dolphin in a shark costume before?
What? You’ve never seen a dolphin in a shark costume before?

Corrine wanted to kiss Nick during the 27 seconds they spoke so she interrupted someone else’s 26 seconds to lay one on him. In addition, she gave Nick a bag of tokens to cash in whenever he feels like it. Tokens include things like “non-consentual make out session,” “Have my nanny make us dinner,” and “Free upgrade to platinum status.” Kristina the Russian orphan caved very, very quickly under the unbearable weight of bronzing cream and double-sided tape. Lots of crying under the unflattering light held by a gaffer’s assistant.

In maybe the biggest twist in Bachelor history, Nick gave the first impression rose to Rachel– the very cool, beautiful, personable African American woman who has no shot of winning. Maybe the rose knew it because it was saddest, limpest, most passed over grocery store rose in the show’s history. Come on, ABC! Keep those roses in a vase, or at least wrapped in a wet paper towel until showtime!

In the end, eight hearts were broken as Nick bid a fond “dodged that bullet!” to: Susannah, Briana, Olivia, Angela, Lauren, Michelle, Jasmine B., and Ida Marie.

Somewhere in a California mansion, Alexis still thinks she’s a dolphin even though she was very freakin’ clearly dressed like a shark.

I’m already ooking forward to next week!

Platinum Vagine

Vagine? WTF, Shelly?

Oh wait, must be a new season of The Bachelor is starting!

It is! How did you know?!

Oh right, platinum vagine.

ANDOMGICANNOTWAIT!

Can't put my pants on until the anti-itch cream dries.
Can’t put my pants on until the anti-itch cream dries.

This season we see 3 time loser Nick Viall take another chardonnay soaked shot at love. That’s right, this guy has been a contestant on 2 seasons of The Bachelorette and 1 season of my new favorite show, Bachelor in Paradise. As a contestant he was the runner-up on both seasons. Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. Both times? And no Steve Harvey to announce you’re the winner anyway? Pretty sure he swore, with tears streaming down his face, in the backseat of TWO different SUVs en route to TWO different airports that he would never try to find love on a TV game show again, but alas. He ended up in Paradise where he had a fake love affair with some chick named Jenn who didn’t stand a chance. Day 2 of filming, Nick must have discovered a message in a bottle from the producers letting him know to use the hotel laundry service, pick up a few more white billowy shirts from the hotel gift shop, and maybe start doing a few push-ups while waiting for craft services to refill the waffle bar, because he wasn’t going home for a while. There really is no other way to explain how Nick, the seriously gross, ick-inducing, walking ad for the HPV vaccine, suddenly became the laid back, endearing, chill big brother’s cool friend in Paradise. Clearly there was some brand repair going on there.

And it worked.

I’m actually pretty excited for this season. But then again, I’m always excited for The Bachelor so, well, there you go.

Today while watching the preview special (because YES, every season IS different and therefore warrants a PREVIEW of what’s in store!) Quinn saw Bachelor Mansion and declared it a haunted house.

“With lots of monsters!” he said.

Wow! Great foresight, kid! The ladies haven’t even moved in yet.

The preview was a bunch of the same ol’ same ol’–  blurred butt cheeks, exotic locations, screaming chicks jumping off a yacht in skimpy bikinis, and lots of ugly crying. And we also got a sneak peak at the this seasons villain– some blonde chick whose sole purpose is to “explore Nick sexually” and proclaimed her, “heart is gold but her vagine is platinum.”

Have fun at work tomorrow, blonde chick’s mom and dad!

Can you spot the platinum vagine?
Can you spot the platinum vagine?

How to Name a Hallmark Channel Holiday Movie

Now that you know how to write a Hallmark Channel Holiday movie, you will need a snappy title.

The title is VERY important as many people who tune into the Hallmark Channel during the holidays are very likely to judge your movie based on this. Oh, we’ll still watch your movie. Just with a preconceived opinion, which will either be validated in the first three minutes or pushed aside in favor of an even better opinion.

Even though your Hallmark Channel Holiday movie is already a hit, a title is still important. Picture the ad in Us Weekly with the two romantic stars of your movie framed out in the silhouette of a heart or Christmas ornament, eyes gazing upwards as puffs of fake snow fall on the shoulders of their emerald green peacoats as they dot fresh baked gingerbread cookies with plump, sugary gumdrops. 

Next decide which shade of red and green you want your romantic leads to wear. Turtlenecks, cowl necks, scarves, aforementioned peacoats, and mock turtlenecks are strongly encouraged. 

Now picture your title underneath that very special image. Scrawling it in icing or Christmas lights and bracketed with sprigs of holly is a nice touch, but not necessary.

Christmas may never be as perfect as the curls in my hair, but dammit! I look good in red!
Christmas may never be as perfect as the curls in my hair, but dammit! I look good in red!

Feeling pressure? Don’t! My foolproof system will have you knocking out heartwarming titles faster than a coked up elf stuffs sugar plums. Simply select one word from each column below and sprinkle in a few ornamental prepositions as needed like cranberries in the punch bowl and wa-lah! 4.7 million viewers!

Will it be A Family Holiday? Or Merry Marry Mix-Up? Does it matter? They’re both instant classics!

Column A:

A
The
Our
Best
One
Snow
Snowy
Very
Merry
All
My
Once

Column B:

Jingle
Mistletoe
Family
Hitched
Very
Boyfriend
Husband
Marry
Starry
Season
Snow
Snowy
Cookie
Royal
Winter
Christmas
Ornament
Upon
Perfect

Column C:

Wonderland
Miracle
Promise
Holly
Holiday(s)
Christmas
Claus
Wraps
Time
Pact
Wish
Star
Love
Happiness
North Pole
Mix-Up
Mommy
Daddy
Spirit
Reunion

A Jingle Wonderland? Snowy Mistletoe Happiness? See? They practically write themselves!

The only thing "cookie cutter" here is my curls! All the Hallmark leading ladies have them!
The only thing “cookie cutter” here is my curls! When you blow your budget on fake Christmas cookies, there’s only room for one hair stylist on the payroll. 

Fall in Love with Your TV Again

Ah, the magic of fall…

Time for nesting and nestling in with friends old and new. But especially new because let’s face it–some of the old ones are getting a bit played out.

It’s when I don my best leisurewear and kick back on the sofa with my new friends and demand entertainment.

Tell me your vapid tales of one-night stands and surprise pregnancies!

Spin me a yarn about how hard it is to make friends when you’re famous and a millionaire in the second largest U.S. city!

Plan me the most complicated DIY dinner party and invite lots of celebrity potheads! Yes! BRING ME THE GREEN FIENDS!

Dance, TV, Dance!
Dance, TV, Dance!

Fall television is no joke, people. I mean Entertainment Weekly dedicates a whole issue to it.  Everyone’s got an opinion on who the growers and soon-to-be no showers will be. Who’s going to make it? Who will be dumped before your DVR even learns their names? Which shows is Kris Jenner executive producing and therefore dooming civilization to eternal syndication long after the shark has been jumped?

I can’t get enough of this. This must be how fantasy sports players feel right before the draft.

Not sure where to look for a DVR download? Sure, you could go to E! News if you want a comprehensive round-up of the new shows. (And maybe answer a poll about which new cast member has the dumbest hair.) Or visit my virtual soulmate, The Ashley if you only care about the important stuff like reality TV. If you’re suffering from childhood abandonment issues which have resulted in an inability to develop long-term meaningful relationships and don’t want to waste time getting attached to a show that’ll get cut quicker than Taylor dumped rehab-bound Selena, you should go with the experts and see which shows have the best odds of being renewed.  And yes, real-live experts are spending time thinking about this stuff, which delights me to no end. I guess you could say Fall TV is like betting on the Super Bowl for lazy, judgey couch potatoes. Or maybe more like putting a wager on how long it will take to sing the national anthem during the Super Bowl. Whatevs. It’s cool.

Of course if you’re really serious about your TV watching and want to narrow it down to the best of the best, you could go with your most trusted source– me!

I ask you: have I ever let you down? Have IHave I?

Ladies and gentlemen, get your sweats and start your DVRs and tell your real friends you’ll see them in the Spring. You’re going to be very busy.

What's in those brownies, Martha? (Credit: VH1)
What’s in those brownies, Martha? (Credit: VH1)

Martha and Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party: Not a joke, people. Executive produced by bunny kisses and unicorn dreams, this is exactly why we have televisions. The Mother of DIY Living and the Doggfather of ganga and random political endorsements are joining forces to bring us the most anticipated show of the season. In this glorious new series, the unlikely duo hosts dinner parties for celebrity friends. Who knew you could roll a joint with hospital corners? Oh yes, definitely a good thing.

Hollywood & Football: Is this how the NFL is trying to reach more women? Fine. You had me at Hollywood & Football. Here we’ll follow six LA Rams and their significant others as they make the incredibly hard transition from life in the middle of America to life on the West-coast of America. How will they speak the language? Will they understand currency conversions? Will they have to eat kale?! This terrifying unscripted docu-series (READ: Not a reality show!) takes us behind the scenes of rich, pretty people trying to find their way off the 405 and into the nearest Ralph’s Grocery.

"So I'm thinking, I know a thing or two about being a bear. I could teach you all about this hibernation thing. And how to get yer face unstuck out of a pot of hunny." (Credit: Discovery Press)
“So I’m thinking, I know a thing or two about being a bear. I could teach you all about this hibernation thing. And how to get yer face unstuck out of a pot of hunny.” (Credit: Discovery Press)

Project Grizzly: Aw man, this is gonna be tearjerker. After bear trainer Jeff Watson realizes it’s not cool to keep bears as pets, he decides to set them free. Only problem, his big ass bears have been living like parakeets and don’t really know the first thing about being bears in the wild. So teach them he must. Yes, that’s right. A man teaches bears how to be bears. Who doesn’t love a make-over show?

Leave it to Lifetime TELEVISION FOR WOMEN to come out with not one, but TWO quality new shows I will surely be binge-watching with my mommy. Thank you, Lifetime TELEVISION FOR WOMEN! I can always count on you for some good old-fashioned female bonding.

Lifetime describes these two new shows as, “documenting the action-packed journey of what happens when a woman becomes unexpectedly pregnant.”

Why yes, Lifetime TELEVISION FOR WOMEN. Spot on! I would also describe pregnancy–unexpected or otherwise–as “action-packed.” I remember my own action-packed pregnancy having to remember to take all those extra vitamins and get out of bed to pee in the middle of the night– in the dark! Bart was all like, “Slow your roll, Mario. That bathroom ain’t going nowhere!” Lifetime TELEVISION FOR WOMEN really gets women.

But I digress.

First we have 30-Something Grandma and yep, that title is really letting it all hang out there. Need I say more? Nope, but I will. 30-Something Grandma is a docu-series (READ AGAIN: Not a reality show!) following three moms and their teenage daughters who are about to become first-time mommies themselves. Spoiler alert! One grandma has to postpone a trip to Mexico. Save the drama for teenaged mamas’ mamas!

"If I wanted to have a gosh darn grand baby, I'd just have it myself!" (Credit: Lifetime.com)
“Ma! Stop crying! I’m gonna get my license in five months and you can totally stop having to come to these stupid appointments with me!” (Credit: Lifetime.com)

Knocked Up is all class, baby. This series follows the journey of three once carefree, single ladies who were having a grand ol’ time being unattached and irresponsible until “one night of fun” finds them up the duff.  Spoiler Alert! They all have to make lifestyle changes!

And speaking of "lifestyle changes," can we discuss your bra choices?"
“So we’re going to create a mold of your giant pregnant belly and create your new bra cups with it. Because, girl, “lifestyle changes,” means “be gone with those slutty A-cup underwires.” (Credit: Lifetime.com)

Window Warriors: I love Carson Kressley so if he’s going to sign up to judge a two-bit, over-done, no-one-cares reality show, it’s my job to watch it. Especially when it’s none of those things! Excuse me while I continue counting down the seconds. This competition show pits the, “country’s most talented window merchandising designers” against one another to create elaborate window displays. Yep, window displays. Expect lots of product placement and manufactured drama.

Scandal Made Me Famous: Nope, sorry, this is not the unauthorized Kerry Washington biography. She was totally famous before that Scandal. This is real scandal. Like murdering-your-children or cutting-off-your-husband’s-private-parts scandal. You know, heart-warming stuff like that. Relive the tales that turned the likes of Lorena Bobbitt and Amy Fisher into pithy New York Post headlines. This is the stuff sick days were made of. Start practicing your fake cough now.

Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath: For fear David Miscaviage will pop a cap into my Direct TV satellite dish, all I will say about this show is, “YES, Leah, Yes!”

Totally hired for our skillz, dude.
Totally hired for our skillz, dude and not because we all wear the same size pants. (Credit: Bravo)

Timber Creek Lodge: Thank you, Bravo. In the vein of Ladies of London and Southern Charm, this is another notch in the “Please God don’t let anyone know I’m watching this” belt. Beautiful settings, slutty, gorgeous staffers, and spoiled, over-the-top clients make this basically Below Deck in a ski chalet. And yes, we do need more Below Deck.

Ghosts in the Hood: These real-life ghostbusters investigate paranormal activity in LA neighborhoods other ghost hunting teams won’t touch. Why? I dunno know. Because ghosts aren’t real? Pa’shaw! This squad of ghosties includes a “verified medium,” a technician, and a comedian so you know they’re LA legit. Woooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh!

The BachelorDoesn’t matter the time of year, it’s always Bachelor season as far as I’m concerned. Yes, ladies and gentleman, it’s true. The only man who has appeared on The Bachelor franchise more than Chris Harrison himself gets another shot at love. Can I get bro hug and a spray tan for Nick Viall?

"I can't possibly button my fly until I've had at least 3 cups of coffee." (Credit: The hollywoodgossip.com)
“I can’t possibly button my fly until I’ve had at least 3 cups of coffee.” (Credit: The hollywoodgossip.com)

They made us love him on BiP as he worked hard to shirk his loser in love reputation and became a charming, endearing, almost rational romantic sage. He was kind to the dumb twins, stood up to that enormous asshat, Josh who bested him yet again for a female’s attention, and tried really hard to pretend he didn’t know he was going to the be the next Bachelor and fake some chemistry with that Jenn girl. This season promises lots of tears and emotional breakdowns–from Nick himself. I’m already glued to my TV.