If you’re coming here for your Bachelor recaps, you’re in the wrong place.
No, it’s me. Really. And I’m fine, promise. I want to watch The Bachelor and recap it in all its sad, desperate, tropey, predictable glory, but come on! I need a little help here! Could this season be more boring? Could Arie be more hateable, arrogant, boring, and whiny? Are any of us surprised? Sigh…not really.
Anyway, this whole season has been boring. I don’t even get around to watching the episodes until days after they air. I now fully believe that Krystal is a paid actor. ABC must have known they were in for a dud of a season so they hired someone with the worst voice ever to create unrealistic drama, steal the villain crown right off of Chelsea’s head, and grate on the nerves of EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO INFINITY.
Krystal, I appreciate the effort, I really do, but even I’m not buying it and I am willing to suspend my disbelief for even the New Jersey Housewives.
I watched half of last night’s episode and was seriously not compelled to write a damn thing except, “Wow, I should try bowling sometime” and “Bekkah does a pretty good imitation of Krystal.” Even Krystal’s big, dumb tantrum didn’t move me.
So I leave you with this image because it really sums up how dumb this season is. Also, watching it with captions on is opening a whole new portal into hell. Especially when the captions say things, IN A HIGH PITCHED VOICE or IN A NORMAL VOICE.
This here is Tia. She’s besties with Raven, the runner-up from Nick’s season. You might remember Raven as the gothy southern girl who almost took her boyfriend out with her stiletto. So, yeah, they breed ’em real special in Arkansas. Weiner, Arkansas to be exact.
Anyway, this here is moments after she she professed her almost love for Arie. So romantic, right?
When I was about 6, I followed my brother into a House of Mirrors at an amusement park. He ditched me about 1.3 seconds later citing some bullshit like, “Oh, I didn’t see you behind me.” Really, dear brother? You couldn’t see me in a HOUSE OF MIRRORS?
I have a terrible sense of direction. If I tell you, “Oh that really good pizza place we liked is right over there!” it’s not. It’s probably not in the same town. Also, if you try giving me directions and say something stupid like “It’s just north of the freeway” I’m going to punch you in the neck. North is up, jackass. Give me some good old-fashioned rights and lefts, okay?
So imagine young Shelly (who often gets lost on an airplane trying to find her seat after a visit to the lavatory) alone in a carnival torture house designed to confuse young children and separate them from their families. Now imagine having to see your horrified little face reflected back 1000x into infinity.
But I’m no dummy. Continued movement would have been futile. It didn’t have 2,945 back issues of Tiger Beat or a Mickey Mouse telephone, but that house of mirrors was my new home. So I plopped down right there and accepted my fate. God, I missed Pepsi and elephant ears.
Four days minutes later, the teenaged ticket-taker told me to get up and walked me seven feet to the exit.
Admittedly, I probably don’t look in a mirror as often as I should, which results in showing up to places with toothpaste dribbled down the front of my shirt or mascara only on one eye. Shit happens. But I’m pretty sure that’s because I’m too lazy to look straight ahead and not permanently scarred from a childhood carnival experience.
Poor Annaliese (“Which one is that?” you ask. “THE BLONDE ONE!” I tell you.) clearly doesn’t have the fortitude to move on from hers.*
Arie, as you know, is our Bachelor (yawn) who happens to be a race car driver (yeah, yeah, Arie, we are soooooooooooooo impressed) and isn’t this guy:
He enjoys showing off his race car driver moves any chance he gets. (Yawn again.) Have you ever wondered how the show comes up with all those clever group dates? Of course you have. Here’s what happens: The producers look over the questionnaires filled out by contestants and look for responses to the WHAT ARE YOU MOST TRAUMATIZED BY? (FEEL FREE TO USE AN ADDITIONAL SHEET OF PAPER) question.
Woe is Annaliese, because this group date had the girls participating in a demolition derby which unearthed her very painful past. You see, when Annaliese was a child some asshat (probably a loving adult!) took her to a carnival (PROBABLY TO HAVE FUN!) and let her ride the bumper cars. GET THIS– OTHER CARS HIT HER CAR! What the what? Who does that??? Watching all those derby cars get all creamed and stuff was just too much for Annaliese to bear. So she had to stand on the sidelines, shaking and sobbing and accepting fake, mannequin-armed hugs from the other girls while her sweaty tears plowed through all that expensive BB cream. And if THAT scene weren’t dramatic enough, the producers reached deep into their bag of “cheap ploys to make it clear we are totally giving up this season” satchel to give us a very special reenactment.
You guys, that is not just a reenactment, but it came with creepy carnival music!
You guys, that is not just a reenactment, THAT IS A SEPIA-TONED REENACTMENT.
It’s like our blurry, pixelated faces were there too!
I AM FEELING HER PAIN! It is DEEP IN MY GUT! Oh no wait, that is just laughter.
Arie tried to be empathetic, telling her she could sit this one out if she really needed to, but if she did decide to participate he’d totally protect her. Maybe later he’d even rub his dumb pillow lips all over her sad, wet face.
And now I’m traumatized because I can’t tell if The Bachelor was seriously trying to get us past the dyed roots and into this woman’s head or if they’re all saying, “F.U. Arie! Your season blows! Let’s just trash the place and burn it down!”
Please God let it be the latter! (EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s totally the latter. I’ve seen the latest episode.)
Are they making fun of themselves?
Even the other girls thought this whole trauma thing was ridiculous. I mean being afraid of swimming pigs, sobriety, or yeast infections is totes normal but bumper cars? Come on, girl! Jenna thought she could knock some sense into Annaliese by repeatedly ramming into her when Ol’ Pillow Lips wasn’t looking, which kind of worked. Annaliese seemed rather aggressive for someone who couldn’t handle a little light jostling in a heavily padded carnival toy car, but whatevs. I’m no shrink.
What else happened? Let’s see:
Krystal–my god– is cray cray and super annoying. For someone who claims to make a living making others, “feel their best feels”, she sure likes making other woman feel angry. It’s pretty much guaranteed that whatever words spoken in her drunk, husky baby voice are going to suck. Even though she already had a rose, she stole Arie away TWICE during the cocktail party. One of those times was right out of Bibiana’s vice grip, seconds before she would have choked Arie out. Dammit, Krystal!
Bibiana cracked, threatened to leave, gave up, sat back down, yelled at Krystal, got up to leave, didn’t talk to Arie, finally talked to Arie, took a Valium, drank a bunch of vodka, bit the head off a bat, drank more vodka, and calmly accepted rose #18 out of 18 from Arie.
Angry Anonymous Blonde #4, #12, and #16 were sent home. Angry Anonymous Blonde #4 didn’t even bother saying goodbye to Arie, which made Arie sad. No one gets out of here without a stiff hug and an extra heaping of televised humiliation.
“Hey, sorry about dumping you. I honestly can’t tell all these blonde girls named Lauren apart and it’s hurting my head.”
“I’m not sad about you dumping me. I’m sad that I have to leave all this free alcohol behind.”
I hear that, Angry Anonymous Blonde #4. Surely the girls are pouring one out in your name.
*You can’t make this shit up. It can and will get worse, I promise.
I watched 45 minutes of The Bachelor while on the treadmill and really I should loose 84 pounds by the time this train wreck of a season is over. It’s…so…hard…to…look…away. But I did. But only because I was so excited TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST 3 MINUTES!
First, yes, something AMAZING happens later in the show that I haven’t “officially” gotten to yet, but I totally YouTubed because I heard how good it was. (When your male co-workers seek you out to talk about something that happened on The Bachelor, that is some good TV right there.) And it was. But in the worst possible way. It’s almost like The Bachelor is making fun of itself. Like they’re all, “Well. We’ve pretty much sunk to as low as we can go. Our bachelor is super boring and a solid NYC/LA 5 (Scottsdale 7.5), and no one is going to forgive us for not casting that other guy. Might as well bust out the sepia-toned reenactments to illustrate just how wicked dumb our cast is.”
Yes, Peter, you. It should have been you. WE GET IT!
BUT WE ARE NOT THERE YET.
We are here.
A lovely sunny morning. The girls are half drunk on champagne and rosé all day when Chris Harrison arrived. He gave them this ominous message:
One of you will be Arie’s wife.
There was an audible gasp like they just heard, “4 out of 6 of you will become Restylane-intolerant.” It was almost like a threat, like Chris knew they’d rather grow hermit crab claws and pull out their own eyelash extensions than have to accept Arie’s thoughtfully chosen Neil Lane sparkler. They’re not here for him! They’re here to audition for the next season of The Bachelorette! But Chris reminded them how real this is. If he had to suffer through this season, so did they. Remember your purpose, ladies! You are nothing more than Jabba’s palace dancers in ankle booties and slouchy sweaters. NOW DANCE!
Chris left them with a date card. The girls went ballistic, side-eyeing the shit out of each other and smacking the fresh mimosa off their lips like storm-addled waves hitting the shores of Desperation Island. The first one-on-one date of the season went to Becca K who was whisked off on a motorcycle.
A motorcycle! Egads!
Motorcycles are great because they spark conversational gold like this awesome exchange between Chelsea (villain) and two other girls who are probably named Lauren.
CHELSEA: I’m jealous.
MAYBE LAUREN 1: Yeah.
CHELSEA: I really like the feeling of being behind something that is bigger than me. Like…holding on and stuff.
MAYBE LAUREN 1: Yeah.
MAYBE LAUREN 2: I’m like, totally scared of motorcycles. My dad had a really bad motorcycle accident and I know people who have like lost limbs and things like that.
MAYBE LAUREN 1: Huh.
MAYBE LAUREN 2: If I was on that date, I would have to like, had to tell him…
MAYBE LAUREN 1: It’s good…it’s good that you weren’t.
CHELSEA leans close to MAYBE LAUREN 2 and bit her head off.
Meanwhile… Arie and Becca K ride off to a mysterious mansion where they meet Scooby Doo and some meddling kids. Not really. But they did run into an awful lot of shellfish. Like an ungodly amount.
It was dangling from pedestals three feet in the air. It was clinging to the Carrara marble countertop. It was a bizzaro Hansel and Gretel under the sea. I mean, what kind of budget are working with here, ABC?
It was festooned across Arie’s chin and eventually his lap because no way was he letting that shit go to waste. He’s the God damn Bachelor, America! Not that God damn Peter guy! He may not get the girl, but he’s eating the shit out of some shellfish.
If you think the location of the date was rather random– a really nice house overlooking the water– the actual date activities will really jumble your brain. All 26 pounds of Rachel Zoe popped out from behind a clothing rack (we know she ain’t here for the shellfish)
Becca made like she was going in for a hug, but really she was blinking out distress signals.
I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE HERE WITH HIM. STOP. HE HAS CRABS. LOTS AND LOTS OF CRABS. STOP.
But alas, she stuck around and tried on 136 evening gowns and surprise again! She got to keep them all thanks to Arie. (But really ABC. And Rachel. But okay, Arie, small victory for you.)
I realized this was ABC’s weak attempt to make us like Arie. Like he’s such a gentleman! A true Prince Charming! He’s not here because he’s a D-list fame whore from Scottsdale. He really cares about these girls! He wants to make them feel special! It’s all about the girls. Instead of feel sad because I wonder how tough times have gotten for Rachel Zoe. I used to really like her show.
But I digress.
And then when they were enjoying some champs by the sea some random dude in sunglasses and a suite waddles up to them. NOT WEIRD AT ALL.
“Neil Lane sends his regards,” he said, handing Arie a briefcase.
Oh good! ABC is cutting this season short! It’s the final rose ceremony! Oh, it’s not? Sigh…Not a ring. Just everything else: Earrings, bracelets, a necklace to go with the free outfit she’ll don later that night. Arie kept telling her she deserved it. He really wanted to spoil her. He’s really grossing me out. But man, Becca K is pretty much guaranteed to walk off this show with something of value. FINALLY!
Becca almost got bludgeoned with empty chardonnay bottles when she returned to the lady house. Bitch, do not walk through these doors in your inappropriate sparkling shoes (Louboutins! Also a freebie!) with your shopping bags full of Rachel Zoe promotional consideration. DO NOT. Bibiana (who–how did I miss this before–is clearly this season’s mujer loca), got super emotional looking at those shoes because where she comes from that is clearly a sign of impending marriage. Why don’t they all just go home now?
The date continued in the evening with a fake dinner where Becca talked about her late father (sad) and Arie talked about race cars (of course.) Then Arie mashed his “pillow lips” up against her face while they mumbled about how much they liked kissing each other while they were kissing each other.
BUT THAT WASN’T THE REALLY GOOD PART!
There was another one-on-one date with Krystal where Arie took her back to his hometown of Scottsdale because he forgot to feed his cats and might have left his curling iron on. They watched home videos, looked through his color-coded closet, drove past the Pizza Hut where he worked before getting the call from ABC to be the next bachelor. Oh, and they dropped by to meet his sad, Dutch family.
After meeting Arie’s brother and sister-in-law, Arie’s mom and Krystal had this fun exchange:
MOM: They just got married.
KRYSTAL: Oh, that’s nice!
MOM: They are nice normal people who met in a nice, normal way.
KRYSTAL: So great!
MOM: Not on TV.
KRYSTAL: I get it, nice Dutch lady.
MOM: They got married in the Netherlands. Not on a TV show.
KRYSTAL: Look bitch, I don’t like your son anyway. None of us do so there’s not going to be a freakin’ wedding– televised or otherwise. Bye now!
That is also where I had to say buh bye because my legs were getting all liquidy and someone had to pick the child up from pre-school. I can’t wait to tell you about the REALLY GOOD* thing that happened!
*That, ladies and gentlemen, is a cliffhanger made all the more intense by the fact I’m writing this THREE days after the episode aired. Don’t you dare Google it! Wait for me! I’ll be back!
Okay, fine, I started watching the new season of The Bachelor but only because it was my first day back on the treadmill in 729 days and I needed a good distraction.
Here’s what I know so far:
Ari likes blondes
Oops, I mean, “Arie”
There are so many race car puns
I still don’t like him
I don’t think Chris Harrison likes him (“Wow, you haven’t managed to have a relationship in five years, huh? Wow, wow, wow. So here we are.”)
Even the girls were struggling to think of good things to say about him (“He…um…has such a full head of hair!”)
As for the cast, well you’ve got your spray tans and baby voices and nervous chardonnay drinkers. And clearly casting couldn’t find enough delusional fame whores to date Ari (sorry, ARIE) so they cast the same girl three times.
And of course the usual tropes are immediately obvious:
The “I’m not here to make friends” award goes to:
Interesting facts about Chelsea: she also fills the “single mom” trope. (Let’s pour one out for that poor kid) and she bears an uncanny resemblance to one of the best villains of all time: Olivia!
The only thing Chelsea likes about women is talking shit about them. Chelsea is going to love living in a house with 28 other women–especially when they all get on the same cycle.
The “Lovable Weirdo” award goes to:
She has a tiny guitar she used to serenade a dead seal. That’s right– Kendall likes dead things. As in taxidermy. She collects it, what? Relationships end (for her a year was her longest) but dead things last forever! Can’t argue with that! Kendall is my top pick!
The “Overcompensating Entrance” award goes to:
Wow, these girls were really leaning into the whole race card driver thing. One girl even made a god awful “pit stop” joke after making Ari (GOD DAMMIT ARIE) smell her B.O. BEKAH, the nanny from Fresno, rode in on a cherry red Mustang, only to be bested by Maquel (that’s right, bitches, MA-QUEL) who showed up in an actual race car. I mean, come on BEKAH! Why you gotta be half-assing it on day 1?! Also spell your name right! Also girls with short hair never go far on this show. YOU KNOW THAT! Does a nanny not pull in enough coin to spring for some damn hair extensions???
The “Have you never seen this show?” award goes to:
Hey, Valerie? So this is a reality show called, The Bachelor where we pick a bunch of spray tanned, bouncy haired girls with little self-esteem, but lots of cut out dresses to all compete for one man’s affections. There are a lot of girls– really pretty girls– here because THAT’S THE WHOLE FREAKIN’ PREMISE OF THE SHOW, YOU DUMMY!
The “Why can’t I find love” award goes to:
Okay, so they could all pretty much get this coveted award, but I’m going with Maquel because she flat out whinnied, “Why can’t I find love?” (Or some strain of that B.S.) during her intro montage.
She’s a photographer who loves to shoot (like literally shoot!) engaged couples so she can make them feel bad for finding each other while she’s still single. SO RUDE! Hey Maquel, do you know why you can’t find love? Because you’re TWENTY-THREE! Cool your freakin’ jets. No love until you can legally rent a car, okay? Speaking of which, Alamo should not have let you drive that race car off the lot!!! Hope you had a co-signer!
The “Lauren” award goes to:
How many Laurens can you stuff in a limo? There’s always at least 2 per season, but there was a bumper crop this year because we got 4.
The non-Laurens could hardly believe it. What was this, some kind of nomenclature sorcery?
And that’s what I know 43 minutes into the show. Will I keep watching? Am I already hooked? Can I quit this stupid show?
You guys, The Bachelor started tonight! It’s been on for 55 minutes and I’m all meh, whatever on this season. No, I did not make a New Years resolution to stop watching garbage and get some GD culture. Nope, I didn’t have to sell all three of our TVs to buy my son 8,385 Star Wars toys and what was apparently the ONLY Sasha Banks action figure IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. (It had to be otherwise I cannot justify the price. It had to be, okay?) No, someone did not dare me to not watch MY MOST FAVORITE TV SHOW IN THE WORLD! I’m just not, okay?
But let’s be honest. I’m going to watch it. Eventually. The Earth will not spin off its axis. Just chill.
But I’m not committing to blogging about this season. I know! SAD! I know you (Jenn) looked forward to my recaps 5-7 days after the episode aired. Want to write a letter of complaint? Address it to this guy:
He’s kind of gross, right? Like makes you feel like you need to pull your collar up a little closer to your neck an maybe Purell your eyeballs.
Sorry, Ari, I’m just not that into you.
It’s not me, it’s you.
It’s your hair.
And that weirdo half-smile like you didn’t know it was time to take a photo even though you’re staring RIGHT INTO THE BELLY OF A CAMERA!
And the fact that I didn’t like you 5 years ago when you were vying for dum dum Emily (whom I also did not like) and she surprised dumped you and she was all like, “I don’t know! It’s so hard to choose between two sketchy weirdos but I think the other guy has rich parents and maybe even a real job” and you were all like, “yeah, no, totally cool. Don’t explain. I’ll be the Bachelor 4 3/4 years after everyone forgets about me. Later!”
But I wish she picked you and you lived happily ever after so we weren’t stuck looking at your hair and hearing about how you’re a race car driver (like that’s a THING!) for the next 16 weeks.
Also, Ryder from the Paw Patrol called and wants his hair style back!
Look, Ari! He too is a race car driver! Maybe we’ll see him as the Bachelor in 2037!
Also, I’m kind of bitter just like the rest of Bachelor Nation.
Did you not watch the last season of The Bachelorette?! Everyone worth their spray tan, gel manicures, and sew-in hair extensions (and hello! That is ALL OF US!) know Peter should have been the next Bachelor! I mean come on! A nice mid-west boy, sweet family, can hang with a baby on a kitchen floor, and might be the most beautiful man in the world NEXT TO MY HUSBAND OF COURSE!
But seriously, did we all not love Peter? Like love him so much we kind of wanted to yell BACK OFF, HO every time Rachel pulled him aside for a little one on one time?
And sure, maybe Mike Fleiss and every producer who has ever manipulated a grown-ass adult into crying in the back of a limo hated the fact that darling Peter couldn’t, wouldn’t propose to a woman he met SIX WEEKS AGO because, “this shit is cray!” (I’m paraphrasing, but that’s basically what he said) even though he really liked her and was totally willing to, you know, date her in the real world and see if they could fall in love without the Northern Lights and helicopters and maintaining a steady buzz for 63 days straight.
But God dammit, Rachel. You were NOT leaving this show without a proposal. This was not a reality show so much as a game show. You would take home the prize and maybe a fancy Bosch dishwasher and trip to Sedona. You were getting your ring! One that promised marriage! And babies! And would make your father come out of hiding and show his sad, embarrassed face on national TV! So you went with the sure thing– the creepy, hairy Miami dude even though your family was skeeved out by him and HE DID NOT GET ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR WITH A BABY!
Bryan’s all like, “Uhhhhhh I love you so much! I’ve loved you in all my past lives! I’m gonna propose to you as soon as I get out of the limo!” Rachel, you cried your fake eyelashes right off your face when Peter said he wasn’t 100% sure he could propose the NEXT DAY! I didn’t even know that was possible, but there they were right on the floor of his hotel room like caterpillars murdered by mascara. Clearly you were into the guy! Like waaaaaaaay in! But whatevs. That’s cool. 13 minutes later you’re on a mountaintop saying yes to Miami Lice when he got down on one knee with a tacky Neil Lane sparkler. Even Neil Lane was all like “Whoa! This guy? Not the super hot trainer dude?”
So yeah, even though we all wanted Peter (but secretly not really because it’s just better for all of us if the guy stays single) you cannot call bullshit on a show’s entire premise and get to be the next star of said bullshitty show. That’s showbiz!
Okay, fine! I’ll watch this season, but only because I have friends who watch it too and I don’t want to let them down. Also FOMO. But I’m not dedicating my life, my life, to recapping the season.
The final episode began in Northern Finland. Home of Santa Claus, Nick’s sad, depressed family, and roving gangs of angry female department store elves helmed by Amy Schumer’s distant cousin.
For the last three years, Viall family vacations are tied to the ABC production budget. At least Finland was a cool place to visit. As they tentatively waited to meet the two seasonal loves of Nick’s life, they reminisced about meeting his two other TV almost-wives.
“We were devastated after Andi and Caitlin,” Nick’s dad recalled. “People asked if it was possible that it could happen again. Of course it is, I told them! Have you met Nick?”
Nick made a last ditch effort to stir up some drama on the world’s most undramatic Bachelor season ever by pretending to be all terrified he’s gonna get dumped at the altar again. Clearly this was producer mandated because Vanessa was also pretending to have second thoughts about accepting the proposal from a man who doesn’t even have her phone number.
Nick’s sad, traumatized family met Raven first. She was on her best behavior because she knew when you marry someone you marry the whole damn family.
Nick’s little sister Bella (who had the pleasure of meeting Raven a few weeks ago when Nick ambushed her soccer match) pulled Raven aside first.
Bella: Look bitch, I didn’t get yanked out of school to come to this freezing ass place to see my brother get dumped again. Do you know how embarrassing this is for a girl in middle school?
Raven: I’m kind of like a girl in middle school. Only I just had an orgasm!
Bella: So has every girl in middle school, dummy. Get with it. Do you love my big, dumb brother or what?
Bella: Okay! I really like you and hope he picks you. I mean, i don’t know that other girl, but if you promise to say yes, I’m totes sold!
Also sold was Nick’s mom who was convinced Raven couldn’t possibly hurt anyone. Uhhhh, Nick’s Mom? Let me tell you a story about a little, holy, goth girl and her high heeled shoe.
The next day Vanessa got to meet the Viall clan and they were made instantly aware this girl was way out of Nick’s league. Vanessa recanted their first date and that special way Nick looked at her after she threw up his mouth.
“Bingo! That’s what I’ve been looking for my whole life!!”
Vanessa’s approach to meeting the family was a tad different than Raven’s. While the latter was all moony-eyed and ready to pass out save the date cards, Vanessa took a more…what’s the word…realistic approach. First she told Nick’s mom she wanted to end up with Nick, but was scared to get engaged because you know– they don’t really know each other.
Then she told his sister she was worried about where they’ll live and–gasp– having to compromise.
Finally she asked his dad if love was all you needed to make a relationship work.
“Nope,” his dad said. “You need compromise, selflessness, willingness to stop going on dates in front of cameras, desire to live in the same country.”
And then he burst out crying.
And then she burst out crying.
And then they hugged.
Later Nick and his dad chatted about chicks.
Dad: You have a type.
Nick: No, I don’t.
Dad. You do. You like women you meet on TV.
Nick: Nah, not always. I banged that chick from Jade and Tanner’s wedding.
Dad: Don’t forget your track record.
Nick: Right. Good talk, Dad. Good talk.
Afterwards, the family then discussed options with Nick like maybe eHarmony or a personal ad or hooking up with college students at a bar. Dad said he’d be cool with either girl. Mom thought Raven’s eagerness to get a proposal might be a red flag.(Ya think, Nick’s Mom?)
Nick kept harping on the fact that there was a very real chance that one of these girls could dump his ass if he proposes because…you know… it’s happened. Twice.
Overall, Nick’s family is just about done with this TV nonsense.
Then it was time for the last dates before the inevitable proposal.
Vanessa put on her tall hat and joined Nick for an afternoon experiencing Nordic traditions like horseback riding and hanging out with Santa Claus. Vanessa felt like she was back in her childhood when she would ride a horse up mountain, knock on a random cabin, and a strange foreign man would wave her in.
Santa gave the couple some fertility-boon laser etched wood plaque depicting their faces before sending them off to have another weird conversation about their future.
Vanessa cried. Nick mumbled. She was upset. He was clueless. Did she want to say yes if he proposed? Would he move to Canada? Did she even really like him? She was determined to get reassurance later that night.
Vanessa: Everytime I ask you a question I get a very general answer.
Nick: ABC is making me be vague. It’s not good for ratings if I tell you I’m gonna pick you before the finale even though everyone knows I’m going to.
Vanessa: It’s not fair to make me wait and pretend Raven is actually competition. TELL ME!
Nick: Well I’ve been dumped on TV twice so I am very careful with my heart. Does that make sound romantic and hopeful or like the jaded, cynical prick I am?
Vanessa: Are you ready to propose?
Nick: Isn’t Finland beautiful?
Vanessa: I hate you.
Nick: I know. I hate me too.
Vanessa: That might be the only thing we have in common.
Then it was Raven’s turn, which meant another horrific music montage this time accompanying Nick and Raven’s ice skating date. They groped and spun and almost fell down as Kiss Me–a song as dated and cheesy as they are– played in the background. Raven was giddy thinking this was her last date as a single person ever.
Once again their afternoon cumulates with some having petting on an inappropriate surface.
After skating they warmed up by a fire. Nick left to retrieve a surprise and came back with three adorable husky puppies.
“I hope my kids with nick are as cute as these puppies!” Raven squealed.
The evening portion of the date took place at a chalet where Raven exuded more confidence in iIck being the person she was supposed to be with it.
“It’s a true love, y’all!
Nick toasted and thanked her for being there, sleeping with him, and allowing herself to fall in love. She thought that was so dang sweet.
Raven: So how are you doing? I mean, without giving too much detail. I don’t wanna get bored.
Nick: Man, it’s hard. This is a lot of pressure. You think it’s easy to have two girlfriends?
Raven: I never said that.
Nick: It’s hard! Thank goodness there’s PA’s around to help me remember your names.
Raven: Well, let me tell you, I will totally say yes when you propose. I’m ready! No hesitation! Vote for me!
Nick: Aw, now you’re sweet. You’re so sincere. It’s so hard to imagine you nearly bludgeoning someone to death with a shoe.
Now, if you’ve ever watched this show you know exactly how it’s going to turn out. There’s always one over-confident contestant and one humble one. Clearly he’s not going to pick the over-confident one because– hello! DRAMA. No freakin’ way.
Nick went back to his Nordic dungeon and thought about these two doomed relationships and let his heart guide him to the one who would earn him the most publicity.
At last, the world’s most famous traveling ring salesman showed up to schelp his overdesigned wares.
Nick: Neil Lane! We meet again!
Neil: Seriously man. You’ve been on this show almost as many times as I have.
Cut to Vanessa who was already sobbing in her evening gown. She was having some serious hesitations about getting engaged to this yahoo. There were still so many questions. Where will they live??? How could she leave her family??? Does Nick even have a job???
Then there was Raven, working on her Dream Wedding Pinterest board and waxing on about how Nick is everything she ever wanted.
“I believe in fairy tales! I’m ready! Bring it on!!!”
Nick was worried that if he proposed to Vanessa she might actually say no. She kept wanting answers to stupid logistical questions and reassurances about his stupid feelings. So lame. Maybe he should propose to Sure Thing Raven so he could finally live out his dream of getting engaged on national television. Then he burst into tears at the thought of having to dump someone the way he had been dumped all those times before.
The first limo pulled up and you know whomever gets out first is the reject. To my delight, Raven in a gaudy silver bridesmaid-to-a bride-who-clearly-hated-her-friends-dress stepped out. Yay! #sorrynotsorry.
She didn’t waste any time launching into a diatribe about how much she loved him and how he’s everything she ever wanted.
It took a while, but she finally got it. He didn’t kiss her on the mouth. They weren’t making out on a bed of straw and shards of glass. He wasn’t even smiling. Hmm…
NIck: Uhh, I really care about you, I respect you. I have much love for you. But umm… I just don’t think I’m in love with you. Miss you!
Raven: I know.
Raven: It’s cool. I can always be the next Bachelorette!
Nick: Umm, no you can’t. They already picked Rachel.
Raven: Rachel? But she’s black!’
Nick: Lemme walk you out.
Not only did Raven not get a ring, she didn’t get to retrieve her coat! Poor girl was freezing in the back of a limo wondering why Jesus won’t just let her be happy.
I was surprised she held it together so well. Oh wait, never mind!
Lights up. We see girl in desperate need of of a haircut and color crying and shivering in the back of a limo. She has a tiny mouth, like someone painted over her real mouth with flesh colored paint and taped a black pipe cleaner in it’s place. Yes, a black pipe cleaner. She’s grossly overdressed and clearly freezing because she doesn’t have a coat. As she speaks, she is overcome with emotion, barely able to get the full impact of her self-loathing across.
Girl in Limo: Is it that no one can feel that way about me? I wish I could find love. But I don’t even know if that’s possible. So why even look? It’s probably not possible. Now I have to go back to Arkansas and have my creepy brother spy on me and all the guys I take into the grain silos to make out with and them beat up with my shoe. Sigh…
Nick confessed he had been falling in love with Vanessa for a long time and was still fake worried about getting dumped. But he had been fighting the feeling for a long, long time and gosh darnit, he wasn’t fighting it anymore! He was going to ask her to marry him!
Vanessa spent her limo ride fretting over if Nick was really ready to deal with the pressures that came with an engagement like people constantly asking where you’re going to live and what will you do for a living. So annoying.
As they came face to face in the candlelit Nordic lodge, Nick said he knew the exact moment he fell in love with her. (HINT: It was after she threw up in his mouth.)
“When I look at you, all I see is my future and includes several covers of Us Weekly dedicated to our engagement and subsequent break up.”
Then Vanessa made a big, dumb speech.
“I didn’t think you would notice me. But instead you noticed every part of me. Thank you for taking another chance on love.”
Oh, please. What is this crap? OMG, who cares? No! NOT ME! IT’S NOT REAL, SHELLY!
So yeah, they’re probably broken up by now, which is why I wasn’t rushing to post this, but I know what you’re thinking: What will Nick do now that the cameras are turned off? Go away and enjoy life outside of the public eye? Reconnect with his sad family? Get to know his new fiancé? Oh hell no!
And the Universe has realigned itself.
Rachel, we are ready for you. Don’t disappoint us.
The Bachelor is leading us to believe all Finland has to offer is packs of running deer and snow. (And the Northern Lights if, you know, natural phenomenons are your bag.) That all may be true, but it’s time to update the tourism brochures. Finland can now proudly proclaim itself to be the locale where Raven had her first orgasm. That’s right. Nick brought his chunky cable knit sweater and his A-Game to the Fantasy Suite and left Raven, “Pretty satisfied.”
The next morning as she snuggled in a fur blankie and bid Nick adieu with a smooch and an “I love you,” Raven believed that was the first “meaningful” I love you with her future husband. Clearly she was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
As if her words were not vomit-inducing enough, we were then treated to a “My First Orgasm” music montage where a “fully awoken” Raven ran around poor, beautiful, peaceful Finland nuzzling dogs, high-fiving strangers, kissing reindeer, making snow angels, and poking her dumb hat-heavy head out from behind sculptures. I mean…what the…?
Just…stop, Raven. I don’t get you. Never have. If I could muster a morsel of a positive feeling towards Nick I would wonder what he sees in you, but I can’t. So I don’t. I think you should get married and take each other off the market and hump in the Arkansas mud and make enough babies to fill a Sunday School class. Also, your hat is stupid.
After Nick left Raven pretty satisfied in the Fantasy Suite, he met up with Rachel for another fun afternoon of stereotypical winter activity and mediocre satisfaction. They cross-country skied (perfect activity for a girl from Texas and a douche on two legs) to a safari where they geeked out on some reindeer who were less than impressed by these stupid Americans who were pretending to fall in love on TV.
“We’re just trying out new adventurers together,” Rachel mused. “There’s something beautiful and romantic about that.”
What wasn’t beautiful and romantic was the rational, sad, neglected voice inside Rachel’s head that didn’t believe all this hooey and therefore wouldn’t let her say stupid things like, “I love you!”
Instead she said, “I’m scared. Scared of rejection. Scared of putting it out there and him not giving it back.”
Oh honey, whatever Nick is putting out there, you’re surely going to get back. In fact, call your gyno now.
But alas. The Rational Rachel was asked to take a seat while Regretful Rachel had a nice, little chat with Nick.
Nick: I like strong people. I like strong women. I like knowing where I stand.
Rachel: I’m falling in love with you! Oh god, that’s so stupid I might make myself sick!
Nick: I’m totally falling for you too! 100%! You’re going to be such a great Bachelorette! Want to go to the Fantasy Suite?
Rachel: Totes! Just let me get my diaphragm!
Rachel felt good, she felt confident, she felt loved. Soon she would feel a burning sensation when she peed, but that’s besides the point.
“This is exactly the man i’m supposed to be with,” she beamed.
Rachel loved waking up with Nick–until he ate the breakfast off her plate and begged off to meet up with his other girlfriend.
Last but not least likely to get an STD, it was Vanessa’s turn to don a stupidly tall knit hat and wait outside in the cold for Nick to take her someplace even colder. They both hoped whatever unbearably frigid thing the producers cooked up would be better than that day they spent in Montreal with Vanessa’s annoying sane, close, cynical family and their constant barrage of inane questions.
Because their relationship had always been so, “hot and steamy,” Nick thought a Finnish ice bath would be an appropriate activity.
Nick: Hey! We’re going to wear matching, ill-fitting swimsuits, hang out in a boiling hot sauna, and then run outside to submerge ourselves in a freezing ass lake.
Vanessa: My family was right– you suck.
Nick: I don’t want to do it either, okay? But all the good dates were already taken by my other girlfriends.
Vanessa: I want to murder you. Like chop you up and feed you to the reindeer.
After the third dip in the freezing ass lake, Vanessa started enjoying it, which goes to prove this woman has terrible taste in pretty much everything.
Once they were warm and dry, they discussed Vanessa’s very traditional family and Nick’s blatant dislike of very traditional families.
Nick: I once dated a girl who’s family was very…present. I hated it. I hate family. They all suck. I wish I was hatched from a bed bud and sunflower seed.
Vanessa: I will never compromise on ANYTHING! Especially not spending six hours with my family EVERY, SINGLE SUNDAY!
Nick: Like every Sunday?
Vanessa: I just hope you remember that relationships are based on compromises!
Nick: But you just said you would never compromise.
Vanessa: I WON’T! You will be doing all the compromising, assface!
That night Vanessa became confused. Maybe she had a delayed case of hypothermia? Maybe the sight of Nick in a tiny blue weenie bikini zapped her out of this forced romantic reverie? Or maybe she just hadn’t had enough to drink yet. While she could picture spending the rest of her life with Nick, she didn’t understand why their conversations were always so heavy. Also, why the hell wouldn’t he want to spend ¾ of every day with her family? I mean, what the literal hell? And speaking of family, Vanessa figured now was as good a time as any to talk about the whole, “What country would we live in if you proposed?” question they were all so obsessed with. (ANSWER: Doesn’t freakin’ matter! Before you can Google “What the eff is a toonie?” your fake love story will be resigned to old Us Weekly’s languishing on Bombay Company end tables in dentist waiting rooms.
Neither Nick nor Vanessa seemed interested in leaving their home countries so they decided to talk about it after spending the night in the Fantasy Suite.
In the morning, Vanessa had been duped into thinking Nick was her other half. She believed herself to the luckiest person in the world, but was admittedly a little worried because they still hadn’t settled on which country they’d live in. But oh well! Time for a Rose Ceremony!
Even the luckiest woman in the world wasn’t immune to a little insecurity and doubt. Standing next to Raven and Rachel who also reeked of eau de Fantasy Suite toiletries made her wonder if she was good enough. (ANSWER: Honey, the day you hit send on your application was the day you should have asked yourself that.)
But I digress.
Nick was a hot mess, barely able to properly thank each of the girls for taking the time to sleep with him without bursting into tears. He sniveled and cried as he handed roses to Raven and Vanessa.
Oh no way. You mean the girl who was tapped to be the next Bachelorette a MONTH AGO didn’t get a rose?! No way, ABC. Didn’t see that coming. Impressive run, Rachel. We’ll see you soon. Maybe not soon enough for Nick.
Rachel: Ew. I can’t believe I thought we had a thing.
Nick: You’re the most incredible woman I ever met. I hope this isn’t goodbye forever. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge!
Rachel: Ew. Just…ew.
Nick: I’m always going to think of you. Even after I propose to and dump one of those bimbos over there. Can I walk you out?
Before she got into the back of the limo, Nick hugged her tight. Like really tight. Maybe he really liked her but ABC paid him to dump her. Or maybe they really liked her and promised him a spot on her season the The Bachelorette.
As a lone tear streamed down Rachel’s cheek in the back of the limo, Nick popped a squat next to a lantern and cried.
Who will Nick chose to enter into a highly publicized, ill-fated relationship with? Only one more week of putting up with Nick and his fake feelings! Weeeeeeeee!
There’s good news and bad news about this week’s episode of The Bachelor:
Good news: It was only an hour!
Bad news: It involved one long, drawn out, pathetic , TMI-filled date between Raven and Nick.
Good news: It’s Fantasy Suite time! Bahahahaha!
Bad news: It involved Raven and Nick.
Good news: There was a big, fat, kiss off at the Rose Ceremony.
Bad news: I’m already bored without her.
Don’t worry, we’ll get there. But if I had so suffer through Nick and Andi’s incredibly fake, obviously scripted, weird role-play then so do you. That’s what friends do.
Nick: I’m so vulnerable! Is this how you felt?
Andi: Oh god, no! You’re a loser!
Nick: You dumped me on national TV!
Andi: I’d do it again in a heartbeat. In fact, can I? We’re on TV right now!
Nick: Maybe I’ll dump someone on national TV. Ever think of that?
Nick: What? I don’t have to marry one those bitches just because I’m the Bachelor and ABC is paying me to!
Andi: High five, you bad boy, you! Oh hey, are you going to have sex with all of them in the Fantasy Suite?
Nick: Uh duh, Andi. But probably not all at once. I mean, unless they’re cool with that.
Andi: Know what I think? Who cares? DO IT! Bang ‘em all! You’re dating them! You have three girlfriends! You already met their parents! You’ve been on at least three dates. DO IT! Don’t buy a cow without a test drive. Or, wait, what? Who cares. Just DO IT!
Nick: Wow, Andi! Great advice!
Andi: Right? I’m such a feminist! Roar!
Nick: I’m not sure telling a dude to bang three different women and not care about it is being a feminist, but oh well!
Andi: WHO CARES???
Nick: Sorry I told everyone we slept together and then slut-shamed you for two years.
Andi: Sorry I humiliated you on national television. I mean, I’m sorry. Not regretful. You’re still a loser.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Vanessa couldn’t stop crying, Rachel thought she was falling in love for real this time, Raven was ready to say yes, and PV was feeling vulnerable because after their day of shopping, Nick now knew her “to the core.”
Nick was late to the Rose Ceremony because of his fireside chat with Andi. He made the girls wait on a rooftop deck, freezing in their mega-slit gowns, seriously regretting their choice to go Brazilian.
When he finally arrived, (dressed in all black to exemplify what a slimey bastard he was,) Nick apologized for making them wait, but failed to mention the whole “drinking whiskey with my ex-girlfriend” thing.
PV’s not a cold weather sort of gal.
Nick was all blah blah blah, hometowns were fun, families were nice, thanks for cooking all that pasta, sorry everyone hated me. Raven got the first rose which still surprised me. I mean, what the hell? Does her daddy own a television network or something?
Rachel got the second rose, but we all know that ain’t happening.
And then things got nice and dramatic as Nick was forced to chose between the pretty, kind, intelligent special needs teacher or the vapid, insecure, morally defunct exhibionist. I honestly had no idea which way he would go.
But he chose…
Wait for it…
PV was going ho ho home! E-jected! Gone Gonorrhea Girl! The penicillin express was leaving the station with only one bleary eyed, bleating, sadsack with a ton of baggage on board.
PV burst into tears which was weird. Kind of like seeing an iguana cry. She apologized for whatever it was she did wrong.
Wait, what?! She was that girl? The “clearly-I’m-not-good-enough-for-you-so-why-didn’t-I-buy-you-the-cashmere-sweatsuit-instead” girl? Good lord, PV! Your lady parts are allegedly made of a rare, precious metal and you’re apologizing to a guy we’ve seen dumped on TV more times than that weird blue liquid on a maxi pad? Oh girl…
Nick assured her than other than submitting an application to be on this stupid show, she did nothing wrong.
“I’m gonna miss the hell out of your boobs– I mean, you,” he said.
It took all her energy to stay awake, stand up, and stutter, good luck.
Man, she was bawling. Like Raquel-said-no-more-cheesy-noodles bawling! The only thing harder than how she was taking this was the crusty, old dairy products embedded in her cleavage. That’s gonna be a bitch to get off.
As she was stuffed into the backseat of the waiting town car, she immediately got drunker, more revealing, and less coherent. (More so than usual, I mean.) Here’s the highlight reel of her confessions:
“Feels like my heart…like never will be repaired.”
“Why can’t I just have a normal relationship like they do on TV?”
“I’m done trying to show my men how much I worships and support them! Done!”
“Imma jus gonna be me…”
“Not gonna kiss up to a man ever again.”
“I’m so done.”
“And so sleepy.”
Good night, PV. Unlike anything about you, it’s been real.
And bye bye, Brooklyn. It was time to pack up and head to Finland. (I’m so sorry, good people of Finland.) Thankfully PV and her perpetual snotty nose aren’t coming.
Finland wasn’t just snow and vodka. It’s the location for the Fantasy Suite dates, which incidentally was stocked with plenty of snow and vodka. For those who may not know what the Fantasy Suite is, allow me to explain. It’s the most contrived, pseudo-romantic “suite” where the Bachelor/Bachelorette and their remaining contestants can be alone without the cameras. It’s gross and awesome, but unless you’re sleeping with Nick no one knows for sure what goes down in there.
Before their date, Nick donned a parka and wandered around a snowy field looking for clarity. What he discovered was:
He and Vanessa still had a lot of questions to answer, superficial ones like, “Where you gonna live?” Also her family was mean.
Rachel was the only woman who hadn’t professed her love, but he was sure she’d get there. But if not he would still sleep with her.
He wasn’t entirely sure where Raven’s heart was, which might be the stupidest thing this guy ever said. Umm, really, dickhead? Two days ago she was climbing all over in a field of mud and she practically weeps whenever she looks at you. Duh
“Let’s spend the rest of the episode focused on Nick and Raven’s one-on-one date,” said the worst producer ever. Thanks a lot, jerkwad.
Raven was determined this time she would tell Nick she was in love with him. She never told any other guy that before. Well, except Jesus.
They popped into a local pub, drank beer, and played darts while locals seethed in the background. Raven felt like she was in one of those choose your own adventure books where every choice was a “new, great experience!
Yeah, Dumbo, every choice is a “new, great experience” because every choice is choreographed and paid for by a major television network! THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE!
Also, STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR HAIR!
Sorry, I must have been temporarily hypnotized by all that hair twirling because I had no idea how those two ass clowns got on the topic of household chores.
“You’ll cook and I’ll fold clothes!” she squealed.
“I like creases in my pants!” Nick squealed.
“Ew, creases!” Raven squealed.
Oh, you two crazy kids!
But Raven was only focused on Nick’s creased chinos because she needed a distraction from what was really on her mind:
Having to tell Nick she loved him
Having to have sex with Nick in the Fantasy Suite
Okay this show is gross and all, but sex in the Fantasy Suite isn’t a requirement. Just saying. Also, she casually mentioned in her confessional that she’s only had one sexual partner. Oh and she’s never had an orgasm. (Hi, Raven’s Dad!)
They escape to a cabin in the woods where someone put a lot of effort setting a table and plating food no one will even look at.
Raven went on a long rambling rant with lots of diversions and tears and stupid metaphors about “never having felt the feelings she was feeling” and every time she talked to him she got a “comfort feeling.” Jesus, take the wheel and make her say it! When she finally blurted out the most anti-climatic “I love you,” ever, Nick thought it was the best professions of love he ever heard. The editors begged to differ.
Raven accepted ABC’s invitation to the Fantasy Suite, but needed to remind Nick of two things:
Raven: So, umm, I’ve only had one sexual partner before. And I beat his ass with a shoe.
Nick: Cool! I’ve only had one sexual partner too…today. Heya!
Raven: Also, I’ve never had an orgasm. So like, no pressure.
Nick: Damn straight, no pressure! You think I care about reciprocation in the bedroom? Oh girl, you got a lot of mud up between those ears.
Alone with a thirty-person camera crew, Nick and Raven settled in and waited for the Northern Lights (not a euphemism.)
Will Raven add a second notch to her belt? Will she finally have an orgasm? Will any of the other remaining girls be dumb enough to sleep with this guy? Will anyone have an orgasm? Probably not. But you’ll have to wait for next week to find out for sure.
The girls were still reeling from the unceremonial dumping of Kirstina. How can Nick dump so many women without a ceremony? (ABC must be saving a ton on roses this season.) The girls are like SO DONE with surprises! I mean, what in the actual hell was going on here? It’s not like ABC was trying to get ratings or something. PV was so freakin’ unstable she had to drink her chardonnay out of a coffee mug.
And then there was a knock on door!
And it was Nick!
He admitted it was tough to get rid of Kristina because he really “loved” and “respected” her and everyone knew he couldn’t possibly marry a girl like that.
“But you ho’s on the other hand,” he said as he doled out roses. “Hubba hubba!”
Hooray! All four girls were getting hometown dates!
“I am so excited to meet Raquel!” Nick squealed.
First stop was Hoxie, Arkansas to meet Raven’s coven. She was super excited to show Nick a new side of her: fun and sexy! She demonstrated both (I guess?) by inviting Nick to partake in Hoxie’s favorite activities–mudding, frog farming, and breaking into grain bins.
Mudding is exactly what it sounds like. You climb aboard an ATV and barrel through gigantic, mud-soaked fields and get really muddy.
They rolled up to a grain bin where “the people of Hoxie leave their secrets.” They got almost the top when wouldn’t you know it? The police showed up.
“What you doing here? You know who owns this here grain bin? You got any ID? You ain’t from around here, are you, sonny boy?”
Nick appeared perplexed and afraid while looking for a producer to, you know, explain things and I was wondering why the cop wasn’t telling the cameras to stop rolling, but whatever. I don’t get arrested much so what do I know? Just as Nick was about to submit to a cavity search, SURPRISE! It was just Raven’s brother! Oh man! You totally got us, Raven’s brother!
“Don’t be kissing on the grain bin!” He warned. “I’ll be watching!”
You will be? EWWWWWW, Raven’s brother!
After the police fake out, they resumed mudding activities and got good and soaked. Raven stripped Nick down so they could enjoy a nice lil’ biblical wrestle in the mud. Wearing a white t-shirt today was totally a good choice, Raven. Where was that creepy brother now?
Nick felt like this was a huge step forward in their relationship. Or wait, maybe he meant this:
They’d have some serious cleaning up to do before meeting her parents, but first a bit more dirty.
As they approached Raven’s parent’s front door, she casually mentioned her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer.
“Oh, umm,” Nick stammered. “I brought flowers.”
Don’t worry, it was only sad for a minute because Raven’s mom announced Dad was just declared cancer free. An actual touching moment ensued.
But so did this weird, fake romance.
Nick was only the second guy Raven had ever brought home, so it was a big deal, y’all!
“Is it weird to think you could be walking me down the aisle to marry that guy in there?” Raven asked her dad.
“Oh girl, so f’ing weird.”
Then Raven had a really sweet chat with her mom.
Raven: I thought he was going to be really arrogant, you know? Like a total toolbag.
Raven’s Mom: That’s what I thought too! I hate his face.
Raven: But then I saw him be really nice to his little sister and I was like, “Oh. He’s cool!”
Raven’s Mom: I trust your judgement!
Nick also had a heart-to-heart with Raven’s dad.
Nick: So how would you feel if your daughter wanted to marry me?
Raven’s Dad: Pretty shitty!
Nick: I care about her a lot. She’s definitely in my top four.
Raven’s Dad: Well, I admit, I wasn’t expecting to like you. I mean, you’re kind of a loser. But I guess I’d rather her marry you than the cheating bastard she beat up with her shoe.
Raven left her family feeling reassured and hopeful and decided the time was right to tell Nick she’d totally say yes if he wanted to propose to her.
“I have no reservations,” she said. And then promptly beat herself up for not saying, “I love you.” I mean, Nick’s not that smart. What if he didn’t get what she meant? Great. Now she’d probably be the only girl left who hadn’t said it! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Next it was off to Dallas to meet Rachel’s family. After a huggy, kissy reunion on a sidewalk, Rachel whisked Nick off to a gospel church filled with black people because she wanted Nick to be “super comfortable.”
Even though this church was different from his church back home (wait. what?) he had an amazing time. So amazing that Nick was ready to spend every Sunday being the only white guy in Rachel’s church.
Unfortunately Rachel’s dad wasn’t home due to “work obligations” (READ: Deep seated humiliation and disgust) but Nick did get to meet her mom, aunt, sisters and WHITE-ASS brother-in-law!
“You don’t need to have black skin,” Rachel said. “But you need to have thick skin.”
Her sister and white brother-in-law grilled Rachel and Nick first.
“Is Rachel the first black girl you’ve ever dated?” White brother-in-law asked.
“Well, define ‘dated.’ I mean, I sleep with black girls all the time. Or at least I did twice.”
Rachel’s mom was also curious about Nick’s history with black women. She also shared advice she imparted on her daughters.
“Always look for red flags in relationships,” she said. “So Nick, what are Rachel’s red flags?”
“Uh, uh, uh…other than wanting to marry me? I mean, that’s a pretty huge red flag, don’t you think?”
Finally Nick jetted off to Miami to meet the weird ass mutants that spawned such a debaucherous egomaniac who can’t keep her clothes on. Nick was super excited to be in Miami. He had no clue what PV had in store for him, but knowing her he figured it probably would involve nudity and pubic lice.
Because she really wanted Nick to get to know “her true essence”, and because she’s a superficial, conceited twitwit, the date she planned was a tour of all the places she felt most at home–a very upscale shopping mall where it’s common to put on fancy clothes and dry hump in front of the mannequins.
Nick was blown away by the fact every single sales associate knew her intimately and the $1,400 sweatsuit she made him try on. She wanted Nick to look good when meeting her parents so she bought him an outfit costing more than an entire year of spray tans for the Miami University cheerleading team.
You guys, the outfit cost $3,423!!!
You guys, she paid for it!
You guys, he let her!
Once she had Nick outfitted properly, she made a tiny confession: She loved him! Oh puke. They consummated her egregious and highly inappropriate declaration with a sloppy makeout session outside a fake Parisian mall bistro.
Wow. PV has some serious sun damage.
PV’s parents looked like nice, cuddly, friendly adults who other than Nick’s mom and dad were the only parents who had any concern over Nick’s inability to meet a woman outside of televised game shows.
And yes, Nick finally got to meet RAQUEL!
PV: The other girls made fun of me because I have a nanny.
PV’s Mom: How they hell did they find out you had a nanny?
PV: I told them.
PV’s Dad: You dumbass!
PV’s Mom: I hope you also told them Raquel is a valued and loved part of our family and has been for seventeen years. RAQUEL! I’m hungry! Serve faster, please. And be a dear and put some of these olives on my fork for me. You know I hate round food. See? FAMILY!
PV’s Dad sat her down and asked some “serious questions.”
PV’s Dad: What the eff is going on here?
PV: I love him!
PV’s Dad: For the love of god don’t tell him that!
PV: I already did!
PV’s Dad: It’s been like six days! What the hell is wrong with you!?
PV: I love him! He’d be my soulmate if I had a soul.
Dad: What’s his job?
PV: Who the hell cares? There’s no time to work when you’re always on reality TV shows.
Dad: Are you okay being the breadwinner? And have him stay home with your kids?
PV: Sure, Dad. Stop asking me questions like none of this is normal!
Later, PV’s dad and Nick enjoyed some fine scotch and another line of questioning.
PV’s Dad: You may have noticed my daughter is a superficial, materialistic little troll. I may have had something to do with that. But now she’s gonna be your problem! You ready for that?
Nick: Sure! I mean, as long as she stays super slutty and never develops any of those annoying traits like modesty or decency.
PV’s Dad: Oh sure, no chance of that happening. But you kind of need…you know…a job. What’s next for you?
Nick: I’ve got lots of irons in the fire. And by irons and fire I’m talking about my penis and the the other girls amirite!?
PV’s Dad: Cheers to that! But what’s gonna be your J.O.B., dumbass!?
Nick: There are lots of things I can do like Celebrity Rehab, Marriage Boot Camp, maybe Celebrity Boxing.
Last trip was off to Montreal to meet Vanessa’s family and her adorable students who clearly loved her. They were holding signs and handing her roses and bawling because they missed her so much. Nick was like, “BOOOORING! Do you like my new sweater? It cost more than Vanessa’s six-month earnings!”
The crew spent the afternoon creating scrapbook pages of Nick and Vanessa’s most favorite memories. Oh look! There’s Vanessa puking into Nick’s mouth! And there she is crying and doubting her value as a human being in front of a roaring fire.
Next stop was to meet Vanessa’s mother’s side of the family at Nonna’s house where 15 people sat around the most gigantic table ever set. Food was piled high, but no one cared because they all had deep, probing questions for the happy couple like:
Where will you live if he picks you?
“Oh, you know,” Vanessa answered. “I’m sure we’ll live somewhere. I don’t really want to pressure him.”
Hmm. Vanessa’s aunt started to get a sense that perhaps Nick and Vanessa don’t really…you know… talk.
Vanessa’s mom had a different line of questioning for Nick.
Mom: What do you like about my daughter?
Nick: Oh, I liked her as soon as she got out of the limo. I mean, va va va voom, riiiiiiight?
Mom: Well, you’re as gross as I thought you would be.
Vanessa’s sister was having none of it.
“Have you talked about real things?” she grilled Nick. “Like how you both live in different countries? Like where you want to live? Like what your job will be if you have to move? Like why you want to marry her?”
“Ew, sister!” Nick answered. “That kind of boring shit is what married people talk about!”
Not completely satisfied with that answer, Vanessa’s sister promised that if Nick hurt her sister, she would hate him forever. That made Nick cry.
Meanwhile Vanessa was chatting with her much younger and savier brother.
“What will you do for work? Where will you live? What the hell does he do for a living? Why do you want to marry this guy?
“Ugh! Enough with the logical questions! Who cares where people live! We’ll talk about living situations when the time is right, okay?”
All those questions really put a damper on things and they hadn’t even visited her dad yet! That visit went something like this:
Vanessa’s Dad: Why is my daughter more special than all those other bimbos?
Nick: She’s hot! And she makes me feel safe. And umm.. I like her brown hair.
Vanessa’s Dad: But do you respect her?
Nick: Come again?
Vanessa’s Dad: Will you treat her like a lady, you stupid flytrap?
Nick: Ooooh, you know it! So can I have your blessing?
Dad: Are you f’ing crazy? What did her mom say?
Nick: I didn’t ask because I did not care for her particular line of questioning.
Dad: So you want to get engaged to my daughter? Is that what you’re telling me?
Nick: Well no, because I’m still dating three other girls.
Dad: So what the hell does it mean to want my blessing?
Nick: Umm that you…don’t totally hate me?
Dad: Right. Okay, I guess!
Vanessa’s Dad told her Nick asked for his blessing, which at once made Vanessa all hopeful and then concerned. Was he asking all the other parents the same thing? Does he actually like those other girls???
The group returned to Brooklyn for the rose ceremony, because why not? All of the girls with the exception of PV were feeling insecure and having doubts about saying (or not saying) I love you. Just as Nick was deep in a faux thoughtfulness on a balcony overlooking Manhattan, there was a knock on the door. It was ANDI! You know, the first of three women to dump him on national television. WHY WAS SHE THERE? To pay tribute to the GIANT BULLET SHE DODGED or just to make fun of him? I guess we’ll have to wait to find out. What’s with all these cliffhangers, ABC?! It’s not like this is the most boring season ever and you have to manufacture the drama. Oh…right.
I’m woefully behind in all my other TV watching and can’t, in good faith, watch and enjoy Housewives on Housewives henpecking until I know you know what the hell happened on week 7. And it’s only hours before Week 8 begins in most time zones!
After Nick barged in on the girls, had a good ol’ himbo cryfest, and thought really hard about dumping them all, he found solace in the warm, wireless mic’d pectorals of Chris Harrison who tried to give him an out.
“Basically, save face and just call it, man,” Chris said. “ABC will be pissed they invested in such a charmless assclown, but whatevs. We’ll make up for the bad PR by making Rachel our first ever African American Bachelorette and you won’t make your mom cry again.”
But nope, Nick believed there was still some internal humilation up for grabs and he would not stop until all the people were laughing at him.
Back at the house, Raven, Kristina, and Rachel were all bloodshot eyes and speculation. The girls were heartbroken on Nick’s behalf. Poor guy, they lamented! He can’t possibly propose and get dumped a fourth time, could he?
Nick barged in again for another tearful chat with the girls. PV fluffed her hair while the other girls took turns hugging him and looking sad.
NIck explained he had been burned before. (No shit, Nick.) He’d was once confident, but now he had all these bad thoughts swirling in his head and he was confused. Thoughts were for lameos! But then he PERSEVERED once more and kept thinking and guess what! He realized there were still a lot of boobs he hadn’t touched and US Weekly cover stories that hadn’t been written so GOD DAMMIT HE’S STAYING! The girls bursted out crying and hugged one another.
Nick canceled the rose ceremony in favor of ditching icky St. Thomas and heading to Bimini.
“It’s my dream come true,” PV squealed.
The first one-on-one date in Bimini was for Vanessa. The card read: Let’s Go Deeper.
PV was pissed! And frustrated! And really bloated! She hadn’t even had a one-on-one yet!
“He probably wants to get to know her on an intellectual level,” PV reasoned. “Not the good kind of deeper he goes with me.”
But still she couldn’t seem to understand why Nick would pick such a beautiful, calm, nice, personable woman to spend an afternoon and evening with.
PV: I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to make her open up. But he’ll be so disappointed when all she says is, “I’m Italian! I love my family! We make pasta together every Sunday!”
Rachel: Right? Total buzzkill.
PV: I mean, all he really sees is a special needs teacher. A really pretty special needs teacher, but still? How much depth could she really have?
Their date was on a boat (a risky endeavor for a girl who once vomited in his mouth) because Nick and Vanessa clearly love awkward make-out sessions. They went for it underwater, banging snorkels and masks in a deep sea cacophony that scared all the jellyfish away.
Vanessa got that feeling. No, not that I’m drowning! feeling. The other feeling. LOVE!
“It’s just love!” she said in her confessional. “I mean, he hasn’t said it, but I’m sure he’s feeling it too!”
It looked less like “falling in love” and more like “falling unconscious to the bottom of the ocean due to lack of oxygen to the brain” but what the hell do I know? I’m an old lady who took five and half years to say yes to a first date with my now husband.
Meanwhile, back at the rent-a-house, the other girls enjoyed some light afternoon binge drinking to ease their anxiety. Hometowns were next week so it was extra important to get a one-on-one! Like really important! PV really wanted Nick to meet her dog, see her pool, and of course taste Raquel’s famous cheesy noodles. (Not a euphemism.)
But alas, the next date was a group date and it was for PV, Raven, and Kristina.
Vanessa meanwhile was all in. She saw a future with this creepy, attention man-whore toadstool who tanked his last three relationships on national television. She cried as she told Nick about her “special feelings.” In a surprise move, Nick didn’t immediately shut down and send her packing the way he did with the last two dumbasses who pretended to have “special feelings” for him.
Instead he recounted his rocky emotional past.
Nick: I’ve done this before, you know? And think maybe this time I might try taking it slow. I mean, I’ve been dumped three times on camera. I kind of want to do the dumping now.
Vanessa: But I’m a Special Ed teacher. And I make pasta with my family every Sunday.
Nick: I like you?
Vanessa: I’m Canadian, you asshat! We don’t just say that shit without expecting reciprocation! Besides, EVERYONE WANTS TO BE CANADIAN NOW!
The date ended but Vanessa’s inappropriate, manufactured feelings did not.
The group date was also on a boat because, Bimini.
PV was “in her element!” A yacht, a hot guy. (Where? Who?) She looked great on a yacht. (According to her) and she’s experienced. Being “experienced” in yacht talk meant getting onboard and immediately taking off your clothes.
Kristina was like “Ew, PV. WTF? But game on, bitch!”
It became battle of the body parts as she too dumped her clothes. Raven was all, “Oh, Jesus take the wheel and turn this mother f’ing whore ship back to the shore!”
Nick on the other hand responded by smearing sunscreen all over Kristina’s inner thigh.
“Don’t want that to get burned.”
Oh, snap! The only thing getting burned was PV! NOT HAPPY! She felt like a third wheel or…something.
Once the boat came to a stop, Nick revealed they would be swimming with sharks.
Raven: You mean Alexis?
Nick: Nope. Real sharks. Because I’M A BIG MAN AND I AIN’T SCARED! Also because no way will ABC let us do anything actually risky.
PV: Are they cute sharks?
Kristina: They can smell blood. And we could die.
Raven: Oh good! Because you’re both scared! So if you both get eaten then there’s a really good chance I’ll get the rose!
Kristina really was scared, had a panic attack, and almost drowned. Nick gets totally turned on by other people’s near death experiences so he rushed to comfort her while PV got pummeled by rogue waves in the sea. She was so confused. Why was Nick paying attention to that panicky, dour Russian girl who couldn’t handle a little shark groping? She felt like she was going to start falling behind. And WTF? Was that a sunburn on her inner thigh?
Post-shark trauma, Nick toasted their survival and whisked Kristina off again. They reminisced about their hard week in St. Thomas, which made Nick start crying again.
“Well, you can’t keep us all,” Kristina reminded him. “Just sayin’.”
PV stuffed bricks of cheese into her face while trying to get Raven to admit how insecure she was.
PV: How are you? Nervous? You must be nervous. You wouldn’t be just sitting there watching me stress eat thirteen pounds of imitation cheddar if you weren’t VERY, VERY INSECURE!
Raven: I’m a little nervous.
PV: Of course you are! Something would be wrong with you if you weren’t.
Raven: Oh there’s plenty wrong with me.
PV: I’m eating my feelings. Look! Insecurity tastes like a johnnycakes and Velveeta! Yum!
After eating enough cheese to guarantee she won’t poop until she’s forty, PV finally got some alone time with Nick. She was willing to do whatever it took to bring Nick home to her nanny. Foreshadowing!
She expressed her concern about not ever getting a one-on-one date and Nick told her that because she was so aggressive, morally bankrupt, and lacked boundaries she didn’t need a stupid one-on-one.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “Anything we would do on a one-on-one we can just do in front of all these people!”
By his own admission, the date rose up for grabs was THE MOST IMPORTANT ROSE EVER. And it went to…Raven?
Her reward for being less gross then the surly Russian orphan and “before ad” for chlamydia medication was another cheesy beach concert from some musician who’s booking agent clearly hated him. It was only slightly better than doing what these two rejects were doing.
Danielle got the last one-on-one date and her and Nick rode off into the sunset on bikes while Danielle’s shorts rode right up her ass. They ate fresh seafood, chocolate cake, played pickup basketball with some local tweens, and exhibited more bad dancing. Those shorts, Danielle! Jesus!
She definitely felt like she was falling for him because “It’s just so easy to be with him!”
Easy? Well sure, I guess NOT TALKING is pretty easy. These two had as much chemistry and Kristina and a school of sharks. Even Nick noticed it so you know it was bad. Danielle on the other hand was clueless. In a last ditch effort to ratchet up the heat, Nick brought up her dead fiance. It totally worked–until Danielle fell asleep.
When she awoke she told Nick how much she cared about him and how open her heart was.
But Nick don’t give out roses to bitches who fall asleep while talking about the dead love of their lives so she was sent home before the appetizers they weren’t going to eat anyway arrived.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “You’re so great and you have that amazing dead fiance story.”
“Not great enough though,” she answered.
She left to pack her things and Nick cried on the shore.
Meanwhile, PV was not taking any chances.
“I would live in a shack with no diamonds. That’s how much I…care about Nick.”
She realized it was time to GET AGGRESSIVE. Like, for real this time. Not that get-topless-on- a-first-date aggressive. Not naked-bouncing-in-an-inflatable-castle aggressive. Not eat-whipped-cream-out-of-her-cleavage aggressive. REALLY AGGRESSIVE.
She dressed like a slutty funeral-goer and headed to Nick’s hotel room to “make sure he was okay.”
“Oh, you’re here,” Nick said, opening the door. “I was going to pour myself a nightcap and have sex with craft services, but you’ll do!”
Next we overheard zippers going south, hushed voices, a massage in progress, and then a man’s voice saying something like, “slow down” and then a woman saying something like, “Oh my F’ing God are you kidding me?!”
“Thanks for checking on me,” Nick said as he walked PV to the door. “I’m good!”
PV was horrified. This was terrible! Her plan backfired! Nick not sleeping with her made PV doubt everything about their fake relationship… and herself. She had never been in a situation where she didn’t have sex with a man she barely knew and it was REALLY SCARY, you guys!
For the first time ever, PV woke up regretting her actions the night before. How dare Nick turn down her platinum vagine? Just wait until she tells her daddy!
Rachel got the last one-on-one date. Nick took her to a place “known for not having tourists” so they must have been damn thrilled when a 32-person camera crew rolled up.
Rachel admitted she never brought home a white guy, but told Nick not to worry.
“It doesn’t matter what color you are,” she said. “They’re gonna hate you regardless.”
Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison sat Nick down to remind him how important tonight was.
Chris: You’re essentially asking if you can go to their hometowns. That’s way more intimate than eating dairy products off of a pair of boobs or rubbing sunscreen on a labia. You get that, right?
Nick: Dude! You think this is my first time or something! Bah ha ha! My first time!
Chris: Oh, right! Ha! What was I thinking! Just trying to get some air time, my friend!
Of course Nick knew how important tonight’s rose ceremony was and therefore he already knew who’s parents he couldn’t fathom facing. He canceled another rose ceremony and cried in Chris’s arms over the fact another great woman was about to go home.
Chris responded like Nick was about to remove his own kidney and throw it in the ocean.
“It’s not gonna be easy man,” he said, rubbing Nick’s back. “Stay strong.”
Nick surprised the girls at their rent-a-house causing them to scatter like cockroaches under a halogen glow. He calmly asked for…Kristina.
Oh, shit! Chris was right. This would not be easy!
Nick: I love you but I’m not in love with you.
Kristina: You didn’t give me a fair chance. Also you are a stupid bastard.
Nick: You deserve someone who can sit here and not say they have four other girlfriends.
Kristina: I know.
Nick: You are amazing.
Kristina: You’re letting me go.
Nick: I’m doing you a favor, dummy.
Kristina: Even in Russia you would be considered doltish. Also you have a tartar problem. Goodbye.
She went inside to be comforted by Nick’s other girlfriends.
Even though there were only four girls left and usually four hometowns, they were convinced Nick was on some wild eviction spree. NO ONE IS SAFE! It remained unclear if anyone other than PV actually wanted Nick to meet their families, but it was clear Nick was shitting a brick.
“If I was someone’s dad, I’d have a lot of questions for me,” he said. “I’m disgusting!”
In the always awesome post-credits scene, Raven and Kristina found PV’s drunk, lifeless body and decorated it with cheese cubes. As detailed in her living will.
Tune in tonight four hours from now to find out if Raquel’s cheesy noodles is really all that!