Hi there. Heard about your heat wave. Yep. Saw it on Good Morning America. Read about it in your emails. Listened about it when you called. I even heard about it on our local news when they were comparing your bad climate fortune to ours. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but I LIVE IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST. Heard of it? The place that summer forsaken? We’re having our own record-breaking weather. It’s officially the coldest freakin’ June on record since records were being kept. Yeah! Go us!
I feel for you. I do. I think of you every morning when I’m putting on layers of clothing and closed-toe shoes. I think of you when I’m at my friend’s barbeques holding a soggy paper plate and an umbrella in my mittened hands. I think about you when it’s 40 degrees at night and I’m dragging my tomato plants in from the balcony because it’s too damn cold out there for them to survive! I was going to live off the land this year!
We, the people of the great Pacific Northwest with our unmarred beaches and majestic snow covered mountains and tall, green trees, have one thing to say to you East Coasters:
We don’t feel sorry for you!
No sympathy because it’s so hot you have to spend your days somewhere air-conditioned like the mall or a movie theater!
No sympathy because it’s so hot your swimming pools are boiling and make you feel like a Chicken McNugget dropped in a deep fryer when you dive in!
No sympathy because it’s so hot your computers are freezing!
Screw your computers! I’m freezing! We’re all freezing here! It’s snowing in the mountains! There are children among us who will never know there used to be four seasons. I overheard parents trying to explain to their children why the kids on TV are wearing funny looking pants that don’t come past their knees or running barefoot through sprinklers or (gasp!) partially naked and frolicking by that large expanse of water! Sand isn’t for playing in! It’s to stuff in sacks and futilely place around the foundation of your house to prevent your basements from flooding!
“And what’s up with all that daylight?” the little ones ask. “Why is it always so darn bright in the make believe world on television?”
“That’s the sunshine, Molly.”
“Why doesn’t the sun shine here, Mommy?”
“Because we live in hell, Molly.”
Isn’t that ironic? Hell. And it’s freezing!
Look, I don’t mean to be insensitive to your plight. I’m sure you’re suffering too. But how about a little compassion for us? Instead of calling me from your swimming pools or emailing me from your nearly frozen computers, go take in a movie or do some window-shopping at the mall. Maybe grab an ice cream cone or an iced latte while you’re at it. Camp out in a meat locker. And if that doesn’t work how about you take your big, fat, blistering heat wave and stick it where the sun don’t shine? We’ll be more than happy to take it.