Back to Reality

Well actually that’s a lie. I haven’t gone back to reality. I’ve gone away from it. The Bachelor is over and has left me rudderless in reality TV land. I have withdrawal. It’s Monday and I should be about 1,100 words deep in a Bachelor recap and wondering how I’m going to cull all that stuff and nonsense down to 500 words. I should be all bitter and angry listening to my husband brush his teeth because I know that means he’s about 4 minutes away from falling asleep with an iPad on his chest. I should be pondering why attractive women in their 20’s think acid wash mom jean cut offs are an attractive look. No f’ing way. Ladies, camel toe is not a gynecological miracle. It’s a perfectly preventable eye sore, not to mention really freakin’ uncomfortable. Pull that shit out of there and put on a  pair of skorts for goodness sake!

But alas, The Bachelor is over so Mother Rose Best is on hiatus. While focused on the love lives of delusion strangers, I feel like I missed out on a whole crop of important news and therefore missed sharing it with you. You were out there in the real world without important bits of knowledge clouding your frontal lobes. Rob Kardashian lost like 50 pounds. The Spiralizer is tearing up the Amazon sales charts. The deadline to enter the Peeps diorama contest is THURSDAY! DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH TIME?! I am sorry I let you down. Allow me to catch you up on some very worthy bits and product updates you might have missed:

Washi Tape: So this article would imply that washi tape has been around since 2012. Hooey, I say. No way would this crafting-for-non-crafters tool have existed for 4 years without me knowing about it. Where has it been all my life? Not sure, but I know it’s available in that amazing mini-dollar store found at the entrance of Target. Get some. I can’t stop taping things.

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Go from drap to fab with 11 inches of tape!
Go from drap to fab with 11 inches of tape!

Gweneth Paltrow: Oh Gwennie. Why do you want people to hate you? She rocked a really terrible body suit that made her look like a ingenue with a “no nudity” claus in her contract en route to her first sex scene. Not a compliment, in case you’re wondering.

She looks like Barbie. For real. Barbie without clothes.
She looks like Barbie. For real. Barbie without clothes.

Gwennie also made news because of her alleged $200 breakfast smoothie. Come on, people. She only wants the best for you.

My Birthday: It was February 1st. It was a Monday so I got to scarf down dinner, read to my kid, watch The Bachelor and stay up until 2AM cutting 1,428 words out of my recap. Also, I got this card from my mommy:

Shelly, why are you the way you are? Oh. Never mind.
Shelly, why are you the way you are? Oh. Okay. Got it. 

Right? Fabulous. Love you, Mommy!

Good News: I got some really great news that I’m super excited about but I can’t say anything yet. So, umm, there’s that.

Can’t Dance: I also can’t dance anymore. No, I didn’t break anything. No, not doctor’s orders. No, not method acting for a Footloose audition. My son, a.k.a Boss Baby has decreed that Mommy is not allowed to dance.

Thomas and Friends theme song begins to play. Mommy gets up and dances. As usual.

“No, Mommy. Just me.”

Child puts hand up like a crossing guard halting a Volvo at a crosswalk before resuming dancing like the whitest boy at a wedding.

“Those are my moves!” says Mommy. “And I love this song!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” son yells. “YOU’RE NOT FUNNY!”

Mommy vacillates between acting like Joan Crawford discovering a wire hanger and every teenaged girl who ever watched Julia Roberts die in Steel Magnolias.

“Fine,” Mommy concedes. “But I got news for you, kid. I AM funny. You’ll see. Or rather your friends will when I burp the entire Thomas and Friends theme song at your 6th birthday party. BAM! 

Spaghetti Squash: It’s amazing. Try this recipe. Also, get a Spiralizer.

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