Puppy Porn

Anyone who knows me knows I have a bit of a dog obsession. I’m sorry. I can’t help it. Seeing dogs strolling around the neighborhood, sticking their heads out of car windows, laying down in front of a set-decorated fire on a Hallmark television movie, sound asleep on my side of the bed—it sends my bliss meter into overdrive. I don’t know where that high pitched voice that squeals, “PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” every time I spy a four-legged creature comes from. They don’t even have to be puppies. I don’t know why I can spend hours, days, forever in the company of a dog, even waking up early in the cold, rainy, midnight-infused Pacific Northwest mornings to walk around my muddy neighborhood for 45 minutes with a soggy plastic bag of poo clutched in my mittened hands like it’s the flag in the last leg of a relay. But change a diaper? No way. Clean up human puke? Rather die. I’ll dog-sit anytime but kid-sit? No thank you. 15 minutes in the company of a small human causes me to shut down. Glassy eyed and tense, I tell you I love your kids, I do, but I will love them a lot better when they are 11 and we can talk about important things like Gossip Girl and kissing. Oh fine, I’ll wait until they’re 12 to talk about kissing.

But I am coming to you with a problem. I have an addiction. It’s time I came clean. it’s affecting my job. My social life. It’s interfering with Gossip Girl! I am addicted to Puppy Porn.

Guilty! Yes, I am. Wow, sure feels good to admit that! I feel lighter already. But before you call Animal Control let me explain. Some of you may be wondering what the heck is Puppy Porn? Well, if you have to ask there are a number of reasons you don’t know:

1. You don’t have a dog
2. You don’t like dogs
3. You do not work in the cubicle next to me
4. You have never read a Sky Mall catalog

Puppy Porn comes in a number of varieties. Depending on your tastes, there is something out there for you.

You like looking at pictures online? Maybe fantasizing about owning one of those beauties? Check out Petfinder. I do. On a regular basis. I’m addicted, man! Look at those big, furry faces staring back at you! You can even search by preference. Blonde and small? Brunette and medium? Brindle and large? Who are we to judge? Read all about Max who loves the tennis ball and mellow Sugar who loves to curl up in your lap. Your lap! That’s right, my canine deprived friend, everyone one of those doggies in the window are looking for forever homes and they only have eyes for YOU.

For some people there’s nothing like keeping it real. Maybe a good old-fashioned magazine is your mode of choice. I stumbled across the Orvis catalog innocently enough. Speaking of good old-fashioned magazines, who can resist the lure of a Skymall catalog? Especially on an eight hour flight. Do you know anyone who has ordered from this thing? Well, you do now! I got a great backseat cover for my old dog, Charlie. I could care less what her Malamute fur was doing to my upholstery. I was more concerned about how she’d always roll into the crevice where your feet are supposed to be (and the same spot my brother made me sleep on road trip to Ocean City, MD when we were kids) every time I stopped at a red light. Perhaps by stop I mean “slam on the brakes” and perhaps also this is why I seem to need to new brake pads at an alarming frequency.

Anyway, the seat cover is made by Orvis and now I’m on their mailing list and couldn’t be more pleased about it. My Orvis catalog shows up at work. How brazen! And when it arrives I usually coo over the cover and then stuff it in my bag. This is “at home” reading. There are those occasions where I can not resist and I’ll sit right there at my desk flipping through the pages. I’ll even bring my co-workers down with me, shoving a particularly cute photo of an Australian shepard snoozing on his monogrammed, orthopedic bed under their noses.

“How cute is this?!” I scream in my high-pitched, dog whistle voice. “He’s sleeping in an ad for beds! That dog is acting!”

And then there is hard core Puppy Porn. The kind your boss will fire you on the spot for if you’re caught looking at it at work. Who would do that? Well… guilty. Again. But thankfully my boss and the co-workers who surround us are animal lovers too. This is what I’m talking about, people. Make sure you’re alone when you open it. Ready? Okay, do it! 

I KNOW! Too cute! Puppy cams? Live puppy feeds? We can see puppies sleeping, eating, playing anytime, anywhere there’s an internet connection? Like at your job perhaps?  It’s too good to be true. 

Hey? Are you still there? You with me? Over here! Oh dear, have I lost you forever? Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to share the puppy cam with you. If you can still hear me know that I’m sorry. Really, I am. But if you’re not coming back I guess that just leaves more time for me to hang out on Petfinder. And find cool new toys like this one. And heartbreaking pictures like this.

Welcome to my world. See you in therapy.

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