In breaking news today it turns out what is good for the goose is not in fact good for the gander. When it comes to fake Christmas trees vs. real Christmas tree anyway.
Shelly Mazzanoble, daughter of Tom & Judy, discovered this past Wednesday her parents intended to buy a FAKE tree instead of a real one as they have done every Christmas for over 3 decades.
“I happened to call when they were heading into Target like giddy little girls prom dress shopping,” Shelly reminisces. “I feel like they are ripping traditions right out of my holiday-loving hands. Christmas is my favorite time of year. I knew my mom was starting to get lazy with the whole “decorating” thing but I always thought my dad had my back.”
In fact, Tom Mazzanoble’s grinchey change of heart surprised everyone, even the uber-cynical eldest sibling.
“Can’t fight City Hall,” Shelly’s brother, Mike, insisted before turning his attention back to the Islander’s game.
When pressed about the decision to get a fake tree this year, Judy just sighed loudly and proclaimed, “I’m too old for this crap. If my grown children want a real tree they should get one. They have their own living rooms they can spend the next 360 days vacuuming.”
But what about that fresh pine-scent everyone loves coming home to?
“What about the *&$%ing needles I’m still picking off the carpet from 17 years ago? What about the water stains it invariably leaves on the white carpet? What about how no one wants to help me take it down after Christmas because it’s such a &^% pain in the ass!”
Right. But what about the fresh pine scent, JUDY!!!???
“Get an air freshener.”
It appears the Great Fake Out of 2008 is only upsetting Shelly, the self-proclaimed “Christmas Fanatic” which is upsetting her even more.
“Every year they pressure me to open my presents faster so we can go eat breakfast,” Shelly laments. “The fake tree is just one more way to turn Christmas into the holiday version of a Jack-in-the-Box drive thru.”
She suggests next year everyone just call each other on Christmas afternoon and tell one another what you would have gotten them if only you had the fortitude to go out and actually shop for something.
Judy was overheard saying, “That’s a fabulous idea.”
In an interesting twist of irony, the youngest Mazzanoble was spotted Wednesday afternoon leaving a Jo-Ann Fabrics with a 4-foot tall, snow white, titanium based faux Christmas tree. When questioned by authorities on why she would berate her parents for their choice in celebratory trees Shelly explained, “I have five fake trees in my home. Silver, pink, purple, pink sequins, and now this one. I have an addiction. I buy a new one every year.”
But Shelly, don’t you think that a bit hypocritical?
“Nope. Anyone who celebrated Christmas in my home for the past 30-something years would not be disappointed by fakes, because that’s all I ever had. They would however, be disturbed if I brought in, say, a live Douglas fir. That’s why I would never do that. Imagine. Hurting someone on Christmas?”
A source close the Mazzanoble family says that little Mazzanoble had a similar tantrum when her parents decided to move out of her childhood home in favor of a brand new town home on top of a lovely mountain.
“She was inconsolable! Tried to make her poor parents feel awful for leaving a house that was way too big for them, in a neighborhood they no longer identified with.”
“I used to drive to the top of that mountain in high-school with my brother and friends and get drunk on Meister Brau! Do you now how many plastic beer ball shells and cans are buried in their foundation?” Shelly ponders.
The unidentified source continued to defame the littlest Mazzanoble. “And guess who LOVES the new townhouse now! Guess who doesn’t even like driving by the old house because it give her the willies.”
“Yep,” Shelly admits. “That’s true. But I can’t imagine getting “the willies” every time I see a real Christmas tree. I’ll probably burst out crying.”
Shelly was last heard singing “O Christmas Tree” into her parent’s answering machine. “O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, how lovely are your real pine leaves!”
When asked to comment on the serenade, her father answered, “Pine trees don’t have leaves. Her song is stupid.”
Stay tuned for more on this story on December 21st when Shelly returns home to meet “The fake tree that stole Christmas.”