Bachelor in Paradise: Now with 11.11% More Lip Filler!

I could only stand 1:26 minutes of Bachelor in Paradise tonight and that’s a real problem, friends. It’s a double episode week. That’s FOUR hours of quality television I’m woefully behind on. You don’t just go binge-watching half-naked, drunk strangers get bit by crabs while they poop their pants and make-out in hot tubs. You’ve got to train for this stuff, people. This ain’t House of Cards or Orange is the New Black. This is paradise, baby. Novices, go home.

Fortunately, I am the Simone Biles of reality TV watching and therefore don’t need to watch full episodes to recap them.  I can zero right in on the nugget that boils down the essence and makes TV, great TV.

Read on and be amazed.

First, some highlights:

  • Chad actually left paradise. We were mislead into thinking he would return and incite panic and fear in Evan and his red t-shirt collection, but alas. Blink and you almost miss him shoving bologna slices and shots of Fireball into his meat hole while lamenting his future in the back of the reject Escalade. “What am I going to do now?” He questioned. “I can’t be the Bachelor now. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!”
  • New girl showed up and packed a steamer truck of crazy. I guess you can just drop into paradise whenever you feel like it? I remember Leah from Ben’s season. She was quiet and unassuming until she wasn’t. Then she was bat shit crazy and let loose a monsoon of delusion she was clearly harboring for at least 6, possibly 7, past lives. It was awesome.
  • Leah was sad to hear Chad got the boot seconds before she got there. She was sure they’d be a match because they both like protein and she spent the last few months injecting the same fillers found in his lunch meat into her lips. Who needs dumb, old pheromones?
  • Twins were not impressed with Leah’s new lips.
Guess who we are? Leah! Get it? Our lips are all big and our faces are all dumb looking?
Guess who we are? Leah! Get it? Our lips are all big and our faces are all dumb looking?
  • Carly ran out of guys so she had to hang out with Evan. She said she wanted a man to act like a man so he put his head on her shoulder and sighed. You know, like a man.
  • Carly and Evan kissed. She declared said kiss to be the grossest, most disgusting thing to happen in paradise since Chad’s 1st Annual Crab & Crap show.
  • Evan was instantly in love and spent the rest of the night gently caressing his tummy and dreaming about cake tasting and pleated tuxedo shirts. You know, like a man.
Alone on my scratchy wool blanket-covered cot, gently stroking my dad bod, three-four nanny cams hidden around the room. Ooooooh, Paradise...
Alone on my scratchy wool blanket-covered cot, gently stroking my dad bod, three to four nanny cams hidden around the room. Ooooooh, Paradise…
  • Roses were handed out.
  • A couple of crabs humped.
When in Rome...
When in Rome…

That’s all fine and good, but here’s the real essence-capturing nugget. I call this moment, “When Crazy Met Stupid.”

In a desperate attempt to garner a rose, Crazy Train Leah and dumb, misogynist Canadian Daniel had a lovely, little chat that went something like this:

So like, do onions make themselves cry? Because that would like suck and be like sad and stuff, ay?
So like, do onions make themselves cry? Because that would like suck and be like sad and stuff, ay?

Crazy: I don’t want people to think–

Dumb: That you’re some crazy girl?

Crazy: I’m not crazy. I’m very normal. I have lots of layers.

Dumb: Like an onion.

Crazy: Yeah.

Dumb: Are you going to make me cry?

Crazy: (Emphatically) No.

Dumb: Okay, so not like an onion.

Crazy: I have layers like an onion, but I might cry because I’m the onion. (SUBTEXT: STFU, Daniel and get a clue! This is about ME. It will always be about me! Give me your eff’ing rose so I can shove it up your dumb, maple syrup loving ass!)

Dumb: So you’re like an orange… with one layer.

Crazy ponders this.

So I'm like an orange? Hmm...all this time I'm thinking onion. Maybe that's my problem...
Oh GOD. Maybe I am like an orange? Hmm…all this time I’m thinking onion. Maybe that’s my problem…

And… scene.

  • Crazy Leah and Jubilee were dismissed.
  • They cried in the back of black SUVs. Again.

There. Now you’re caught up on the first hour and twenty-six minutes of Monday’s episode and only had to shed .000000000000078 of brain matter to grasp it.

Only two hours and thirty-six minutes left in Paradise for this week. Belly up to the bar, but for the love of god don’t eat the free pretzels and wash your hands after touching everything!

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