Dude, There’s No Crying in Paradise!

Uh, yeah there is. If you’re Evan. Or Carly’s mouth if the poor thing was unfortunate enough to have lip-locked with this bozo.

I’m all caught up now. Just in time for tonight’s episode. Bart and I split a bottle of wine and watched every second of Bachelor in Paradise on the DVR. It may have been the wine talking, but Bart said he enjoyed it. It was like an anthropological social experiment. Like watching real life, hyper-speed dating only without anything remotely close to real life. The less wine in the bottle, the more he liked it so yeah…might have been the wine talking.

But come on? What’s not to like? You have this guy, Evan, an “erectile dysfunction specialist” who’s a single dad who left his kids twice to seek love on TV.  After Evan and Carly kissed (because they were the only two not kissing someone and the producers made them) she went back to her room and threw up in her minibar (which I’m assuming was empty due to her uncontrollable urge to burn away the sting of a floppy-tongued, spit-soaked smooch)  and he went back to his room and dreamed of all the horrible things his children would one day scream at the woman WHO IS NOT THEIR REAL MOM! Oh, and he stroked his dad bod. Gently. Soft dad bod caresses from a soft dad. As one does in paradise. Remember?

VOMITING!
VOMITING!

Awesome. Now that we had that little refresher.

Some other shit happened, mostly to Evan.

After he flitted all over the island looking for Carly and she ran out of hiding places, she came to the very adult conclusion to dump his sad ass. He handled it really well.

What's the use of a grown man sleeping on a toddler bed if he can't find someone to share it with!
What’s the use of a grown man sleeping on a toddler bed if he can’t find someone to share it with!

NOT!

Carly was very concerned about his well-being so naturally she asked the always empathetic (emphasis on pathetic) Daniel if he was doing ok. Daniel didn’t understand the question.

So by "okay" she means...bananas! Yum! Bananas sound good, ay?
So by “okay” she means…bananas! Yum! Bananas make me laugh, ay?

Aw, no worries, Daniel. Paradise was well aware of how Dr. Flacido Domingo was doing.

He totally rallied, don’t worry. He mustered up enough strength to keep his whispy, pencil thin goatee looking extra pre-pubuscent and gave his pores a nice soaking with some Sea Breeze astringent and hot, salty tears.

And then he was all like, “F it! I’m in paradise, bitches! And by “bitches” I mean you, face towel!” And the face towel was all like, “Oh, no you didn’t just throw me!” and totally threw it back. “OUCH, face towel!” Evan wailed. And cried. Again.

Paradise it not for pussies.

And speaking of pussies, Nick is all upset because the guy who bested him for a short-term, highly-publisized engagement and subsequent break up to Bachelorette Andi showed up and stole his girl AGAIN! Come on, Nick! How many times can you be humiliated on one television franchise?! Even Tom must have told Jerry to suck it eventually. And he was getting paid for that frying-pan-over-the-head shit!

What else happened?

  • There was a weird clown. I think. Maybe I dreamed that.
  • The men all appear to have slightly deformed nipples.
  • One of the twins got drunk on half a beer and cried because she really, really wanted the other girls to braid her hair.
  • There were about seventeen empty cabanas on the beach, but three couples decided to make-out on the same one. Because this is paradise?

I think some roses were handed out. Someone might have gone home? Or maybe not yet? Hmm…I can’t remember. Might be the wine talking.

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