The Bachelor, Week 1: Whores Galores

I only feel slightly bad for using the word, “whores” but hello! We’re talking about The Bachelor here! Not Uniceff Goodwill Ambassadors.

Now that you’ve read all of those timely recaps, how about one that’s 2 days post-mortem? Great! Let’s go!

Season 21 kicked off with the standard gratuitous topless shot of our reformed bad boy, super jerk bachelor, Nick out for a jog in <<insert major metropolitan city.>> Because ABC really wants women to like this guy, they treated us to an additional six seconds of Nick undressing and hopping into a steamy shower while a rather generously-sized black box covered his private parts. I mean, it was a really large black box. Like thigh-to-navel black box. I’m pretty sure Nick doesn’t need a black box quite that large to cover his privates but whatevs. Probably had that worked into his contract.

Because this is Nick’s FOURTH time looking for love on national television, it is important to relive all of his super humiliating alter dumpings and general douche-baggery. See, women hated him because he’s an STD personified and men hate him because women still want to sleep with him. Whatevs again. Nick then tries to explain away all of his bad body language with things like, “When I sit like this I’m not really bored!” or “My face always looks like a cat’s asshole! I can’t help it!” Really he’s a super nice guy who just happens to look like a bag of dicks.

So, umm, we racked our brains and think we came up with a really good catch phrase for this season."
So, umm, we racked our brains and think we came up with a really good catch phrase for this season.” – Love, the ABC Marketing Team

We get it. You’re the new bachelor. We’re supposed to like you and want you to get engaged so 4 days later you can tell Us Weekly you amicably ended things after lugging your college mattress all the way to her hometown and wish nothing but the best for each other. Get on with it!

Next, we saw previous Bachelors Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, and Chris Soules join Nick to talk about how much they hate him and hope this is the last god damn time he uses The Bachelor platform to find a wife. They also gave him advice.

“Do not open your mouth when you kiss any of those women! That’s totally gross!” said Bachelor Ben.

“Just pick the most boring girl that doesn’t warrant any airtime so people will think you accidentally fell in love with a PA or crew medic or something,” said Bachelor Sean.

“Don’t believe a girl who says she’ll move to a farm in remote Iowa. She won’t. Apparently that’s kind of a deal-breaker. Whatevs,” said Bachelor Chris.

Finally it was everyone’s favorite part– watching the parade of sequins and thong underwear exit a limo. This time the Universe brought 30 desperate fame-whores women to Bachelor Mansion to bed, and hopefully wed the most desperate fame-whore of all.

Whose going home with cold sores and a case of pancreatitis? At least 80% of these women:

Danielle C.: A giant pair of boobs who apparently owns 3 nail salons. Not sure what her face looked like or really even if she had one. Did I say giant boobs?

Elizabeth: Umm, she does something in marketing?

Rachel: Pretty. Smart. Attorney. Seems like the kind of woman you’d want your single guy friend to bring to your dinner party. But alas, she’s African American so, well, you know how it goes. Don’t get attached.

Christen: Some idiot who hid behind a yellow fan, did an awkward short-lived flamenco interpretive dance, and got all star struck when she came to fan to face with Nick. Chris Harrison maybe warrants this sort of behavior, but Nick?

Taylor: Mental Health Professional who has been studying Nick for the last four years. Tells him all of her friends absolutely despise him, but she doesn’t believe all the horrible, venomous crap they’ve been spewing and is totally sure they’ll come around when he proposes.

Kristina: Former Russian orphan turned dental hygienist.

Angela: A model, because of course.

Lauren: Acknowledges the unfortunate pronunciation of Nick’s last name (Viall = Vile) and said she felt his pain because her last name is “Hussy.” “Together we would be a disgusting slut,” she said. I can’t help but like this girl.

Michelle: Owns a food truck or something.

Dominique: She’s a restaurant server. Not a waitress, okay?

Ida Marie: Despite his bad boy image, she totally trusted Nick and to prove it did a trust fall. Cool! What’s your game plan for your first date, Ida Marie? A Myers Briggs test?

Sylvia: From Alaska. Gave Nick an eskimo kiss.

Sara: Ran up to Nick because he’s always the runner up. Get it? Get it?

Jasmine G.: ?

Hailey: “What does a girl who wears underwear say?” I don’t know. “I don’t know either.” Ooooooh!

Astrid: From Sweden! Also the name of my first ever D&D character!

Liz: A doula who slept with Nick at the wedding of former Bachelor couple, Jade and Tanner. Seems pretty proud of the fact, but isn’t sure if Nick will remember her. Say whatthef?!

Corinne: Resident big time slutty villain. Works for “multimillion dollar” family business. Has her own personal nanny. For her. Spoiler Alert: This is the bimbo with the platinum vagine.

Vanessa: Special Ed Teacher. Beautiful. Multilingual. By far the best quality girl on the show who will inevitably wind up ugly crying in a hot tub and not understanding how she ended up being the girl who ugly cries in the hot tub. Shame.

Danielle M.: Made Nick lick homemade maple syrup off her finger. Sticky and sweet just like her.

Raven: A holy Wednesday Adams. Where she’s from (somewhere down south) they “go mudding and read their bibles.” Oh girl, welcome to the mansion. You’ll totally fit right in.

Jaime: She has balls! On her nose ring! Super classy.

Briana: A stethoscope-yielding nurse who checked Nick’s heart rate. If you’re doing nurse stereotypes, why not do the slutty nurse thing? Know your audience, Briana!

Susannah: Gave Nick a beard massage and I’m still not sure why.

Josephine: Another nurse! Brought a book with a hot dog inside and proclaimed Nick to be a “wiener in her book.” Because that wasn’t horrible enough, she made him take a bite of said wiener and vomit in the bushes.

Brittany: And another nurse! This one goes with the pop proctology exam! Hey Brittany, do you know how to pump a stomach or dislodge a warm, undercooked hot dog from an airway? Because if so, you’re needed in the bushes.

Jasmine: Flight attendant.

Whitney: Pilates instructor. Because flight attendant wasn’t cliche enough.

Lacey: Rides in on a camel because she knew Nick liked “a good hump.” Remarkably all the other women are jealous because they didn’t think of this grand entrance.

Alexis: Resident endearing psychopath who is obsessed with dolphins so she shows up in a shark costume. No one is jealous of this entrance.

"They call me Flipper, Flipper, Flipper, because I flipped my lid!"
“They call me Flipper, Flipper, Flipper, because I flipped my lid!”

The night in a nutshell? Here you go:

Jasmine, the flight attendant is the first to cry. 98% of the women wore a red dresses.  Alexis is absolutely convinced she’s a dolphin even though she’s clearly dressed in a shark costume

What? You've never seen a dolphin in a shark costume before?
What? You’ve never seen a dolphin in a shark costume before?

Corrine wanted to kiss Nick during the 27 seconds they spoke so she interrupted someone else’s 26 seconds to lay one on him. In addition, she gave Nick a bag of tokens to cash in whenever he feels like it. Tokens include things like “non-consentual make out session,” “Have my nanny make us dinner,” and “Free upgrade to platinum status.” Kristina the Russian orphan caved very, very quickly under the unbearable weight of bronzing cream and double-sided tape. Lots of crying under the unflattering light held by a gaffer’s assistant.

In maybe the biggest twist in Bachelor history, Nick gave the first impression rose to Rachel– the very cool, beautiful, personable African American woman who has no shot of winning. Maybe the rose knew it because it was saddest, limpest, most passed over grocery store rose in the show’s history. Come on, ABC! Keep those roses in a vase, or at least wrapped in a wet paper towel until showtime!

In the end, eight hearts were broken as Nick bid a fond “dodged that bullet!” to: Susannah, Briana, Olivia, Angela, Lauren, Michelle, Jasmine B., and Ida Marie.

Somewhere in a California mansion, Alexis still thinks she’s a dolphin even though she was very freakin’ clearly dressed like a shark.

I’m already ooking forward to next week!

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