The Bachelor, Week 4: A Treat for the Teats

Oh man, it’s going to be so sad when the producers finally let Nick send PV home. But until then…

Episode 4 opened with the girls talking smack about PV. She’s immature, she travels with her own portable bouncy house. She’s not ready to be a wife. She doesn’t even know how to make toast.

But where was she?

I love vodka, yes I do, I love rum and tequila too.
I love vodka, yes I do, I love rum and tequila too.

Oh right. 

Then there was Vanessa begging Nick for validation. Does he like her or does he like PV? Because clearly he can’t like them both. I mean, do you like syphilis and stupidity or…not?

“Imma gonna shove this rose up your ass if you’re wasting my time,” Vanessa declared.

“Or you could just keep it to smack me with when I’m being all dumb and shit,” Nick offered.

Vanessa walked away confident that Nick wasn’t buying the anti-PV propaganda she was selling.

Oh girl, have you never watched this damn show? The villain doesn’t leave before Week 5! Smack him!

Frustrated by the lack of dry heaving and bare breasts in the house, two of the girls went to wake up PV and drag her ass downstairs.

“Huh, what?” PV asked all rumpled and confused. “Is it a school day? I don’t wanna go, Raquel!”

“You’re entitled! You’re privileged! You’re selfish! Now come downstairs and hang out with us!”

PV didn’t know if those were good adjectives or bad adjectives, but erred on the side of people seemed to really despise her.

“I ain’t entitled, bitches! I’m goddamn shitfaced! Can’t you tell the difference between an overindulged brat princess and a drunk chick? Girls are such haters!”

Just before roses were handed out, Nick thanked the girls for being so patient and open with him.

“I appreciate each and every one of you telling me what a crusty, immature, incompentent, spoiled baby ho-bag PV is, but she’s totally getting a rose this week!  Good night, bitches!”

For whatever reason everyone except ALL OF AMERICA was shocked.

“She’s just a physical connection,” one of them blathered.

“What the hell does he want in a partner?” another questioned.

Ladies, lemme explain those things for you:

She’s just a physical connection: Duh.

What the hell does he want in a partner? See above.

Eliminated Crying Girl in Red Dress #1 bawled in the driveway. She was so ready to fall in love, dammit! Now what????????????

Eliminated Crying Girl in Red Dress #2 had been single for so long and now she was convinced she’ll never find love. I mean, if you can’t find it here, you can’t find it anywhere. And to think she used to make fun of girls who cried on this dumb show!

As the remaining girls and Nick brought it in for a big, sleazy group hug, PV took the opportunity to make an awkward toast.

“Hiiiiiiiiiii! I’m just so happy to be there! Amazing opportunity to find love and we all deserve it! Cheers, bitches!”

Really she was just excited to have another week of makeout sessions with Nick.

“Come and get it, Nick!” she screamed. And then she bit the head off her rose. No joke. I shit you not. Bit. The. Head. Off. A. Rose.

You like dried, crusty, week old Redi Wip, baby? Have I got a treat for you!
You like dried, crusty, week old Redi Wip, baby? Have I got a treat for you!

The girls couldn’t figure out how PV skated through another week and speculated it must be because Nick’s only keeping girls with whom he has potential. Hmm…interesting hypothesis, ladies. Next you’ll spend your days building a robotic laboratory and launching it into space.

The next day Chris Harrison arrived with exciting news. They were about to embark on a journey around the globe!

“Pack your booty shorts and Vagisil! You’re going to Milwaukee!”

What? Milwaukee’s on a globe.

It also happened to be Nick’s hometown (give or take 75 miles) so the girls were beside themselves at the thought of being the third TV-found girlfriend he brought home to his parents.

And speaking of parents, Nick met those sweet, normal, beaten down people at a local coffee shop where his mom burst out crying at the sight of him and his dad made Nick promise this will be the last goddamn time he tries to find a wife on a stupid ass TV show.

“Aren’t there any chat rooms you could hang out in? Or a nice Coyote Ugly waitress with low self-esteem? We really don’t want to see you on this show again.”

“It’s totally different this time, Dad!” Nick explained. “Some of these girls come with their own nanny! And I’ve already touched like 17 ½ bare breasts!”

And then Nick cried because they were making him so sad.

Danielle L. got the first one-on-one date and wow, what a treat! Nick dragged her around his hometown showing her sites like the library where he made-out with girls and the hill where he had a lot of “firsts.”

Their wholesome adventure continued at a bakery where they decorated cookies in their image and used their tongues to smear frosting all over each other’s faces.

As luck would have it they ran into one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends. NO WAY! And because things weren’t scripted and contrived enough, Nick was all like, “Let’s totally hang out with her!”

Amber, the ex, gave Danielle advice. “He’s like…heart driven…you know? That’s what everyone is missing.”

Right. Totes. Heart driven. What everyone’s missing. So weird that it didn’t work out between you two. Later, Amber!

Nick thought Danielle L. was super nice, but just knew there was more to see. Fortunately, at dinner she forgot to wear a shirt so Nick could see exactly what it was.

Coco Chanel said you should take off one accessory before leaving the house. I'm totally keeping the earrings and ditching the shirt.
Coco Chanel said you should take off one accessory before leaving the house. I’ll keep the earrings but ditch the shirt.

She credited her parent’s messy divorce with why she won’t rush into relationships– unless it’s on TV. Then it’s game on! They ended the night in what looked like a school auditorium watching some guy sing while people cheered at them. Much making-out ensued.

Meanwhile…

The group date card arrived. It read: Say Cheese

Hmm, this was a stumper! Why cheese? What does that have to do with Wisconsin? Everyone’s name but Raven’s was on the card meaning God’s Favorite Goth Girl would be going on a one-on-one.

The teats were out in full force as the girls donned their finest heels and infinity scarves to meet Nick at a dairy farm. Oh!!! Cheese!!! I get it!!! There they shoveled poop, fed cows, marveled at how smelly a farm is, and watched Nick bottle feed a baby cow.

“It’s so wonderful to see!” They gushed as they fantasized about Nick being an absentee father they spend a decade arguing with in family court.

PV begged to differ. This was not her scene. There were flies everywhere and no nanny to swat them away. She didn’t want to do chores! Especially farm chores! She wouldn’t even make Raquel do farm chores!

Nick attempted to milk a cow, but got schooled in the whole, “this is how you touch a teat” business by the one-time lesbian, Jaime.

PV could not escape the poop. It was everywhere!

“Poop poop here. A poop poop there! There a poop, here a poop, everywhere a poop poop! Wah! I need sushi!”

Her fingers hurt from holding a device commonly used for manual labor so she had to go find a nice, comfy rock and take a sit down. Look, she respected the other girls for shoveling shit, but that ain’t her jam. And she had a serious hand situation going on. She couldn’t move her finger!

Girls called (cow?)bullshit and later PV overheard them talking about how sick of talking about her they were.

Inspired by her trip to the farm, PV ran off and compared herself to an ear of corn.

“Peel back that silky husk and see my little golden pellets of…information. Juicy, buttery information. You want to get to that corn. NICK NEEDS THAT CORN!”

Buoyed by the juicy, buttery information popping up inside of her, PV decided it was time to get wasted, take a power nap, and put an end to this bitter back talk.

“They think I’m just a bubbly little dumbo,” she said. “But I’m not! I know what’s going on! Bartender!”

She gathered the girls together and admitted she might not be everyone’s favorite, but if she did something to offend them then by all means tell her.

Okay, then! It was clucking cacophony as the hens rushed to tell PV how offensive she was.

“You’re not genuinely ready to marry a 36 year-old man!”

“Did you really lug that bouncy castle all the way here? Because those things are heavy!”

“You rubbed your bare boobs all over Nick’s chest! You probably gave him some disgusting STD like hives or eczema or an ingrown chest hair!”

“You can NOT nap through a rose ceremony! It’s the law!”

Taylor, the mental health counselor who is clearly infiltrating these women as part of some interactive PhD thesis, called her immature to which PV countered: Do you call these immature!” 

I'll show you immature! And I'll totally show you my boobs! You want me to? Because I want to!
I’ll show you immature! And I’ll totally show you my boobs! You want me to? Because I want to!

PV was appalled at the stupidity and ignorance and pettiness of her fellow wives-to-be. These bitches were pissed off over a little shut-eye and minor sexual assault in a bouncy castle? Please.

“I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking a nap,” PV said. “MICHAEL JORDAN TOOK A NAP! ABRAHAM LINCOLN TOOK A NAP!”

Besides, it apparently was a very stressful week around Bachelor Mansion so she needed her bouncy castle to decompress. She was having a panic attack, okay?

Nope. Not okay. The hens started shrieking again, which somehow comforted PV and made her believe everything was okay. Even though she loved everyone again, she still wanted to tell Nick how mean and dumb and poopie they were being to her. Nick listened, nodded along, but for inexplicable reasons other than she had a visible cold sore, didn’t kiss her.

“That’s okay,” PV claimed. “We had more of an adult conversation tonight. No time for kissing.”

Kristina, the Russian hygienist, got the date rose.

Raven got the stupidest one-on-one date in Bachelor history, but she was too dumb to notice.

“If I could choose to have a one-on-one anywhere in the world it would here!”

Really, Raven? A Milwaukee suburb is your dream date locale?

They pop by Nick’s little sister’s soccer game where– surprise!– they run into Nick’s sad parents. They took one look at Raven and were forced to imagine stuffing Christmas stockings with black eyeliner and ichthys-adorned socks and started crying again. Whatever happened to that sweet Amber girl?

The date continued its downward spiral at a roller rink where they shot the duck and flew the camel with a bunch of twelve year-olds.

At dinner, Raven talked about her last serious relationship, which ended when she discovered her boyfriend in bed with another woman.

“You walked in while they were…doing it?” Nick asked.

“Like I know what her vagina looks like,” Raven said.

“Oh man, sorry. Isn’t there a Super 8 in your hometown? That dumbass should have been more careful.”

“…and then I bashed his head in with that whore’s stilleto. The end. Pass the bread basket please!”

Nick found Raven “interesting” and “sassy,” both common adjectives used when describing a psychopath. Noting the height and pointiness of her shoes and the softness of his skull, Nick handed Raven the date rose and spent the rest of the date rocking back and forth in the arms of a PA.

The rose ceremony was held in a freezing barn outfitted with only one 17 inch swatch of blanket. Danielle L., that whore, and her rose immediately squirreled Nick away, causing the other girls to question her integrity, loyalty, motives, natural hair color, mother’s maiden name, and tolerance to gluten. Hoes before roses, bitch!

Taylor, with no shits left to give, sparred with PV before running off to interrupt Danielle L. and Nick.

PV and a drag queen– wait, nope, that was Josephine– talked about how disgusting Taylor was what with all those degrees and covered up body parts. Clearly Taylor wasn’t here for the right reasons. If she were, she’d be taking advantage of all this free food.

Screw, Nick! Let's marry these dumplings!
Screw, Nick! Let’s marry these dumplings!

After shoving 34 chicken nuggets and a bowl of spinach artichoke dip into her tyrannosaurus-esque maw, Josephine channeled PV’s nanny and gently reminded her to chew her food.

Full up on deep fried courage, PV took Taylor outside to yell at her.

I'm gonna choke on my tongue and THEN tell Taylor how much I hate her!
First I’m gonna choke on my tongue and THEN tell Taylor how much I hate her!

And now, a drama in one-act:

PV: They way you’re treating me is disgusting and really mean.

Taylor: You have Velveeta on your lip.

PV: I hate you.

Taylor: Well, your feelings will get hurt if you keep asking people to tell you why they think you suck.

PV: Why do you think I suck?

Taylor: You’re too young and immature. And you have a nanny. Oh, and you’re dumb. And lack emotional intelligence

PV: Ha! Emotions aren’t intelligent! Who lacks intelligence now, ya dummy?

Taylor: It’s a thing.

PV: Well, you’re playing Miss Proper. So there.

Taylor: I’m not. I’m just way smarter than you.

PV: I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE! Like LITERALLY punch you in your FACE!

Aw, crap, that’s where it ended! Well sort of. You’ve got to keep watching past the previews to get these fabulous outtakes of Nick and Alexis. In this episode, Alexis confessed the two things she’s most afraid of: Nicolas Cage and aliens.

“Do you think any of the girls here might be aliens?” Nick asked.

Alexis pondered this thoughtfully before nodding. “Raven.”

Well, duh.

Shit’s getting real at Bachelor Mansion! The gloves are off. And if you’re PV or Danielle L., probably your shirt is too.

Until next week!

 

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