The Bachelor, Week 9: Suite Tart

There’s good news and bad news about this week’s episode of The Bachelor:

Good news: It was only an hour!

Bad news: It involved one long, drawn out, pathetic , TMI-filled date between Raven and Nick.

Good news: It’s Fantasy Suite time! Bahahahaha!

Bad news: It involved Raven and Nick.

Good news: There was a big, fat, kiss off at the Rose Ceremony.

Bad news: I’m already bored without her.

Don’t worry, we’ll get there. But if I had so suffer through Nick and Andi’s incredibly fake, obviously scripted, weird role-play then so do you. That’s what friends do.

Nick: I’m so vulnerable! Is this how you felt?

Andi: Oh god, no! You’re a loser!

Nick: You dumped me on national TV!

Andi: I’d do it again in a heartbeat. In fact, can I? We’re on TV right now!

Nick: Maybe I’ll dump someone on national TV. Ever think of that?

Andi: Nope.

Nick: What? I don’t have to marry one those bitches just because I’m the Bachelor and ABC is paying me to!

Andi: High five, you bad boy, you! Oh hey, are you going to have sex with all of them in the Fantasy Suite?

Nick: Uh duh, Andi. But probably not all at once. I mean, unless they’re cool with that.

Andi: Know what I think? Who cares? DO IT! Bang ‘em all! You’re dating them! You have three girlfriends! You already met their parents! You’ve been on at least three dates. DO IT! Don’t buy a cow without a test drive. Or, wait, what? Who cares. Just DO IT!

Nick: Wow, Andi! Great advice!

Andi: Right? I’m such a feminist! Roar!

Nick: I’m not sure telling a dude to bang three different women and not care about it is being a feminist, but oh well!

Andi: WHO CARES???

Nick: Sorry I told everyone we slept together and then slut-shamed you for two years.

Andi: Sorry I humiliated you on national television. I mean, I’m sorry. Not regretful. You’re still a loser.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Vanessa couldn’t stop crying, Rachel thought she was falling in love for real this time, Raven was ready to say yes, and PV was feeling vulnerable because after their day of shopping, Nick now knew her “to the core.”

Nick was late to the Rose Ceremony because of his fireside chat with Andi. He made the girls wait on a rooftop deck, freezing in their mega-slit gowns, seriously regretting their choice to go Brazilian.

When he finally arrived, (dressed in all black to exemplify what a slimey bastard he was,) Nick apologized for making them wait, but failed to mention the whole “drinking whiskey with my ex-girlfriend” thing.

PV’s not a cold weather sort of gal.

OMG, PV, is that snot???
OMG, PV, is that snot???

Nick was all blah blah blah, hometowns were fun, families were nice, thanks for cooking all that pasta, sorry everyone hated me. Raven got the first rose which still surprised me. I mean, what the hell? Does her daddy own a television network or something?

Well, it ain't sweat.
Well, it ain’t sweat.

Rachel got the second rose, but we all know that ain’t happening.

And then things got nice and dramatic as Nick was forced to chose between the pretty, kind, intelligent special needs teacher or the vapid, insecure, morally defunct exhibionist. I honestly had no idea which way he would go.

But he chose…

Wait for it…

Wait…

VANESSA!!!!

No way!

PV was going ho ho home! E-jected! Gone Gonorrhea Girl! The penicillin express was leaving the station with only one bleary eyed, bleating, sadsack with a ton of baggage on board.

He had to dump her after imaging his mom's face when PV rolled into Thanksgiving dinner in this outfit.
He had to dump her after imaging his mom’s face when PV rolled into Thanksgiving dinner in this outfit.

PV burst into tears which was weird. Kind of like seeing an iguana cry. She apologized for whatever it was she did wrong.

Wait, what?! She was that girl? The “clearly-I’m-not-good-enough-for-you-so-why-didn’t-I-buy-you-the-cashmere-sweatsuit-instead” girl? Good lord, PV! Your lady parts are allegedly made of a rare, precious metal and you’re apologizing to a guy we’ve seen dumped on TV more times than that weird blue liquid on a maxi pad? Oh girl…

Nick assured her than other than submitting an application to be on this stupid show, she did nothing wrong.

“I’m gonna miss the hell out of your boobs– I mean, you,” he said.

It took all her energy to stay awake, stand up, and stutter, good luck.

Man, she was bawling. Like Raquel-said-no-more-cheesy-noodles bawling! The only thing harder than how she was taking this was the crusty, old dairy products embedded in her cleavage. That’s gonna be a bitch to get off.

As she was stuffed into the backseat of the waiting town car, she immediately got drunker, more revealing, and less coherent. (More so than usual, I mean.) Here’s the highlight reel of her confessions:

“Feels like my heart…like never will be repaired.”

“Why can’t I just have a normal relationship like they do on TV?”

“I’m done trying to show my men how much I worships and support them! Done!”

“Imma jus gonna be me…”

“Not gonna kiss up to a man ever again.”

“I’m so done.”

“And so sleepy.”

“Night, night.”

<<photo>>

Good night, PV. Unlike anything about you, it’s been real.

And bye bye, Brooklyn. It was time to pack up and head to Finland. (I’m so sorry, good people of Finland.) Thankfully PV and her perpetual snotty nose aren’t coming.

Finland wasn’t just snow and vodka. It’s the location for the Fantasy Suite dates, which incidentally was stocked with plenty of snow and vodka. For those who may not know what the Fantasy Suite is, allow me to explain. It’s the most contrived, pseudo-romantic “suite” where the Bachelor/Bachelorette and their remaining contestants can be alone without the cameras. It’s gross and awesome, but unless you’re sleeping with Nick no one knows for sure what goes down in there.

Before their date, Nick donned a parka and wandered around a snowy field looking for clarity. What he discovered was:

  • He and Vanessa still had a lot of questions to answer, superficial ones like, “Where you gonna live?” Also her family was mean.
  • Rachel was the only woman who hadn’t professed her love, but he was sure she’d get there. But if not he would still sleep with her.
  • He wasn’t entirely sure where Raven’s heart was, which might be the stupidest thing this guy ever said. Umm, really, dickhead? Two days ago she was climbing all over in a field of mud and she practically weeps whenever she looks at you. Duh

“Let’s spend the rest of the episode focused on Nick and Raven’s one-on-one date,” said the worst producer ever. Thanks a lot, jerkwad.

Raven was determined this time she would tell Nick she was in love with him. She never told any other guy that before. Well, except Jesus.

Greetings! I am Raven of the Stupid Hat Clan!
Greetings! I am Raven of the Stupid Hat Clan!

They popped into a local pub, drank beer, and played darts while locals seethed in the background. Raven felt like she was in one of those choose your own adventure books where every choice was a “new, great experience!

Yeah, Dumbo, every choice is a “new, great experience” because every choice is choreographed and paid for by a major television network! THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE!

Also, STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR HAIR!

Sorry, I must have been temporarily hypnotized by all that hair twirling because I had no idea how those two ass clowns got on the topic of household chores.

“You’ll cook and I’ll fold clothes!” she squealed.

“I like creases in my pants!” Nick squealed.

“Ew, creases!” Raven squealed.

Oh, you two crazy kids!

But Raven was only focused on Nick’s creased chinos because she needed a distraction from what was really on her mind:

  • Having to tell Nick she loved him
  • Having to have sex with Nick in the Fantasy Suite

Okay this show is gross and all, but sex in the Fantasy Suite isn’t a requirement. Just saying. Also, she casually mentioned in her confessional that she’s only had one sexual partner. Oh and she’s never had an orgasm. (Hi, Raven’s Dad!)

They escape to a cabin in the woods where someone put a lot of effort setting a table and plating food no one will even look at.

If there wasn’t all this fake food on the table I could put my elbows there like a normal person. (IMAGE CREDIT: ABC)

Raven went on a long rambling rant with lots of diversions and tears and stupid metaphors about “never having felt the feelings she was feeling” and every time she talked to him she got a “comfort feeling.” Jesus, take the wheel and make her say it! When she finally blurted out the most anti-climatic “I love you,” ever, Nick thought it was the best professions of love he ever heard. The editors begged to differ.

Raven accepted ABC’s invitation to the Fantasy Suite, but needed to remind Nick of two things:

Raven: So, umm, I’ve only had one sexual partner before. And I beat his ass with a shoe.

Nick: Cool! I’ve only had one sexual partner too…today. Heya!

Raven: Also, I’ve never had an orgasm. So like, no pressure.

Nick: Damn straight, no pressure! You think I care about reciprocation in the bedroom? Oh girl, you got a lot of mud up between those ears.

Alone with a thirty-person camera crew, Nick and Raven settled in and waited for the Northern Lights (not a euphemism.)

Will Raven add a second notch to her belt? Will she finally have an orgasm? Will any of the other remaining girls be dumb enough to sleep with this guy? Will anyone have an orgasm? Probably not. But you’ll have to wait for next week to find out for sure.

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