Family Bonding Time

We have “free tables” at the office. Every floor has one. It’s where people dump stuff they think their co-workers will really love. Kind of like Goodwill if Goodwill had to flee in the middle of the night and could only take 99% of their best stuff. It’s a crapshoot. Usually erring more on the side of crap. Occasionally you might find some Magic cards or a stack of Entertainment Weekly’s from 2013 and sometimes you get a half eaten bag of microwave popcorn and a litter box. 

Time to lay hands on daddy!
Sweetie, I’m going to lay my cold, mannequin hands on Daddy’s lower back while you dig that bony, little elbow into his rectum. Okay, count of three. Ahhhhh….

Today Bart found this little gem on the free table and brought it straight to me. I’m sure he thought I’d be all, “Gross! Get rid of this nonsense!” but HA HA! Joke’s on him. I KEPT IT! Why? Because it’s gold! Also, I think it’s my bizarro family. 

Just take a look at the photo, will you? The similarities are uncanny!

*There’s (presumably) a mom, a dad, and a frightened looking child who is wondering what he did in a past life to end up the spawn of these two yahoos. (And that kid looks eerily like my own child.)

*The dad is wearing super flowy, high waisted beach pants. Just like Bart! 

*The child is sticking an elbow right up his dad’s very bulbous butthole. Also an occurrence that happens a lot in our house.

*The mom is working! She is not relaxed!

Other things to note, the back cover copy suggests the following:

*The principals highlighted in this video are on “the crest of a healing wave of the future!” You heard it here first! Massage is going to be really popular one day! Book your sessions now! 

*By massaging your friends and family in your own home, you can heal them “through the gift of touch!” Add massage to your next dinner party or poker night. NOT CREEPY AT ALL. You’re doing them a favor!

*Bring a new level of family closeness by sticking your bony bits into the deepest crevices of your most familial. 

*This DVD costs $39.95. And Bart got it for FREE! That alone deserves a massage!

Friends, don’t wait! Get in on this healing magic today! We were going to watch Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse tomorrow night, but no way. Bust out the flowy beach pants. It’s family bonding time.

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