If Zelda Had Thumbs

You’ve probably seen the website¬†Text From Dog. It’s pretty freakin hilarious. If you haven’t seen it, go ahead and click that link and catch up. Go on. I’ll wait.

Today a friend (ironically Zelda’s ex-daddy. Remind me to tell you that story another time) said he thought I should “teach Zelda to text” and start Text From Cat.

First, I wouldn’t have to teach Zelda to text. She probably already knows how. And could show me a thing or two if she weren’t so selfish. Second, someone out there is posting IM’s with his cat and well… that’s probably enough.

And there’s a third reason.

Posting text conversations between Z and I would do nothing but serve to humiliate me. Do I want the world (and by “world” I mean 3 people) to know I can’t stand up to my cat? That I’m actually sort of scared of that 14 pound furball? That she says “give me your ice cream” and I do?

No.

I don’t.

And just to prove that posting “texts from Zelda” is a horrible idea, I’ll give you an sampling of our would-be exchanges.

Zelda: WHERE ARE YOU?

Me: I’m at work. Why?

Zelda: Why? Because you’re stupid.

***

Zelda: I’M HUNGRY.

Me: Well, tough noogies, I’m at work. You’ll have to wait until dinner like a normal cat.

Zelda: YOU’RE SO DOUCHEY. I HATE MY LIFE.

***

Zelda: SADIE IS EATING THE COUCH AGAIN. CAN I PUT HER ON PETFINDER?

Me: No, you may not. She’s your sister. We’ll deal with it when we get home.

Zelda: ¬†SO YOU’LL PUT HER ON PETFINDER WHEN YOU GET HOME?

Me: No, she’s not going on Petfinder. We’re keeping her.

Zelda: YOU’RE SO STUPID. I DON’T BELONG HERE.

See? Not cool. Or funny. Or normal for a human to be bullied by a cat. Is it?

Back off, stupid.

Zelda: YES, IT’S NORMAL. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. OWN IT.

Me: But–

Zelda: Move. I was sitting there.

Me: Yes, Zelda.

9 thoughts on “If Zelda Had Thumbs

  1. I love cats! I love “every” kind of cat. I just want to hug them all, but I can’t; I know that’s crazy. I can’t hug every cat. :)

  2. Oh Teach, really? You love them? All of them? I’m a dog person at heart so I still have a lot of learning when dealing with the feline persuasion. I’m open to suggestions.

  3. Umm…nope! Missed that one! But OMG, thanks for sharing! Zelda insists that she is the real deal. Sadie says it’s a fake because no one in their right mind would love cats that much.

  4. Its ok shelly, my cat bullies me too… when I try to write at my kitchen table she bites me for no reason…

  5. I just gave up and realized that the cat is the king of the house. He only tolerates me because I can open the doors. And feed him. He doesn’t like me to pet him, that is the job of HIS human (my youngest son). His majesty will meow at the door to be let in, or out, loudly enough to be heard in the upstairs of the house and doesn’t let up until he gets his wish. So you are not alone and they will rule the earth some day.

  6. Andy, I’m so in love with that website. We keep trying to think of things to “shame” Sadie and Zelda with but the list is too hard to narrow down. Zelda’s might be “I hate babies” because that really seems to sum up her personality. Sadie is a little harder because I don’t think she does anything terrible knowingly. (Zelda probably makes her do it.) Maybe “I accidentally ate the couch. 6 times?”

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