Mother Rose Best In the Powder Room!

Find love the old-fashioned way!
Looking for love the old-fashioned way!

I’m super excited about the opportunity to write about this season of The Bachelor in a new series, Mother Rose Best for the lovelies over at In the Powder Room. But I’m not just recapping the chardonnay shenanigans. Oh no. I’ll be dispensing practical parenting advice inparted from one of the world’s greatest guilty pleasures. Yes, you can learn a lot from a baby-voiced, ex-dancer with a spray tan and Cache credit card.

Read the first installment of Mother Rose Best: Hung Like a Mini Horse.

Didn’t watch last night’s episode? Don’t worry.  Here’s what you missed:

Unicorns really do exist and so do people who believe in finding true love on national TV. Meet Ben Higgins, fan favorite cast-off from last season’s The Bachelorette. He’s a small town boy with a big moral compass who is by far the least scuzzy Bachelor in recent history. He’s not a caricature of a South American fuuuutball star or a pilot who reeked of Valtrex and penicillin. And not having roots in a rural Iowa farm town that go deeper than a string bikini through a saddlebag helps too. “I want to live somewhere with less people than tubes of lipstick in my purse!” said no Bachelor contestant ever. You think these women could exist more than 75 miles from the nearest Juicy Couture outlet? You’re as crazy as the chick last season who compared herself to an onion.

Ben takes us on a tour of his hometown and we see where he had his first kiss. We meet his parents who seem nice if not a bit horrified. They’ve been together 32 years and Ben claims to want what they have. I also want what they have—a house on the water. Lovely!

When her son brings up the insecurities he vomited all over America last season, his mom cries and dad commiserates. She wants her son to be happy and claims, “no matter where you find her, she’ll be great.”  She already hates these women.

Then Ben gets facetime with three previous Bachelors. They tell him it’s going to be hard. He needs to be honest. Chris Soules wants him to kiss as many women possible. Ben is grossed out by this.

Chris Harrison and Ben bring it in for an awkward man-hug as the first limofull of girls pulls up the drive.

We meet:

Lauren, a gorgeous flight attendant who brings him a pair of wings and thankfully steers clear of the “mile high club” low-hanging fruit joke.

Caila who spells her name in the most complicated way possible and believes after seeing Ben come out of the limo last season, he’s a perfect person. Umm, OK. I can actually see these two yahoos together.

Jennifer, a small business owner who forgot to mention her name.

Jami, a cute bartender from Canada who happens to know previous Bachelorette Kaitlin. She tells Ben she heard he has a really big…heart. GONG!

Jubilee, a super hot, badass war veteran. As lovely as she appears, she’s African American and we all know you don’t get attached to the token minority. Bummer.

Mandi: Good job perpetrating the Portland is Weird stereotype, Weirdo. Is every dentist on reality TV a psycho? Says she would not date a man with gingervitis which is actually not the worst advice, but wearing an enormous Pinterest-fail rose craft on your head is. (Ladies, if you can’t pick out the token “kooky” girl in your season, it’s you.)

Emily and Haley: Oh lord, we have blond twins. “Group hug?” Ben asks, clearly terrified. 

Lace the Aggressor. Immediately went in for some tongue action because she wanted the first kiss. How come I know Ben isn’t into kissing chicks on the first night and she doesn’t? Get a life and a clue how to use Google.

Jessica from Florida. Clearly she didn’t make an impression on me or Ben because that’s all I know about her.

Lauren R. a math teacher who professed to stalking Ben via social media for two months. (Take a hint, Lace.) Wow, Lauren. Are you sure you’re not a P.I.? You’ve got some serious sleuthing skills stalking a man who was recently named the star of a popular reality TV franchise. He kept asking what her name was. She didn’t tell him.

Shushana, who looks like a belly dancer and appeared to be speaking in tongues.

Leah, girl-next-door event planner. She hikes up the tulle on her dress and lobs a football at Ben.

Lauren H. was the lucky recipient of the bouquet toss at a wedding recently so naturally she took that as a sign. She gives the shriveled bouquet to Ben who can’t believe it still smells good.

Breanne, a nutritional therapist who hates gluten so much she repeatedly smashed a baguette on the sidewalk in front of Ben. MUST…DESTROY…ALL…GLUTEN!

Isabel, who goes by Izzy, eschewed the idea of wearing a gown in favor of PJ’s. “I need to find out if you’re the onsie for me,” she says as America collectively groans.

Rachel who is unemployed ditched the limo in favor of a hoverboard. Is this the same vehicle that spontaneously bursts into flames and Amazon demanded we destroy like it’s a big, glutenly baguette? That’s good TV!

Maegan is a cowgirl who doesn’t go anywhere without her mini horse. Ben and Maegan have as much chemistry as a host and restaurant patron waiting to be seated but the horse is damn cute.

Laura, who likes to go by “Red Velvet,” is already intimidated. See ya at the reunion, Red Velvet!

Joelle, exits the limo wearing a giant unicorn head. Because why not?

Amanda tell us in her little girl voice (uh oh, Dr. Drew!) about the two daughters she left behind in her quest to find a man who will one day give them daddy issues. Go on and leave your kids, Amanda. Toddlers don’t do anything cool anyway.

Tiara who is billed as a”chicken enthusiast” shows pictures of her beloved birds–and Ben–in frames. My husband calls her the  “female Gonzo.”

LB who does something in fashion. Blah blah blah. She’s too thin to care about.

Jackie arrives with a Save the Date card. Whoa. Hold your mini horses, girl.

Olivia, a newscaster from Florida says “hi” like seven times in three seconds. Ben loves her already.

Samantha, a recent law school graduate finds out during the limo ride that she passed the bar exam. Her dad passed away from ALS when she was a teen, but she takes comfort in knowing he’s smiling down on her as she prepares to don a bikini and get HPV from the shared toilet seats in the house.

Excited about the cast of potential wives, Ben calls to wake up his parents letting them know it’s real likely one of these twenty-six beauties or a mini horse will be joining them next Thanksgiving. Mom roots for the horse.

After some back-biting, bitch-calling, delusion of grandeur, aborted make-out attempts, and public shaming (all by the same horrible woman: Lace), Ben succumbs to a spontaneous dental exam (could probably floss better) a twin sandwich (“It’s not awkward for us so it shouldn’t be for you”), good old fashioned bonding over the sensual world of software sales, and two surprise contestants from previous seasons (what’s-her-face and Becca the Virgin!) He then has to explain to Lace why he won’t be sleeping with her tonight. Do we really need to do this? You’re one of twenty-eight girls, Lace. Not even close to the hottest. You just met the guy. She takes this to mean she’s definitely getting a rose tonight and she totally did because the producers must love her.

Soon Ben makes the tough choice to send eight girls who have been drinking on an empty stomach a’ packing. Breanne, the gluten hater is one of the casualties and is devastated because she’s “gone through so much already.” Yes, Breanne, it’s hard to give up wheat, but there are so many good alternatives out there these days. You’ll be okay.

A few final thoughts: 

Becca, you might be a virgin but that dress you wore isn’t.

Can we keep the horse? Please!? I promise to take care of it!

L.B., in lieu of a rose, will you please accept a sandwich?

Tune into The Bachelor Mondays at 8PM on ABC and In the Powder Room: Mother Rose Best the following Tuesday!

C-Sections Aren’t So Bad (But Facebook is a Jerk)

Quinn was delivered by C-section. This took everyone except my mom’s psychic by surprise as she predicted it months ago. I was horrified by this turn of events, sure that I was destined for months, maybe years, of recovery. I would never do another sit up, I would never loose the baby weight, I wouldn’t be able to lift my child for two years post-surgery.

Know what? It wasn’t so bad. But it took a little while to come to this conclusion. So I wrote about it, hoping other women who had C-sections and the subsequent guilt that sometimes comes with it, would at least have a laugh. Thank you Blunt Moms for the opportunity!

Sometimes I treat myself to a little Facebook post boosting. I tried to do that with this here article but alas, Facebook declined me. Why, you ask? Good question. Here is the post I tried to PAY THEM TO PROMOTE.

This post has been banned in every, single country.
This post has been banned in every, single country.

Could Facebook be anti-C-section? Did they not like the photo? Could they possibly have an issue with the word vagina? Nah! Can’t be. But then I got this email.

facebook
Hi Shelly,
It looks like your ad didn’t meet our Advertising Policies, so it was not approved.
Ad Name: Post: /217175581669779
Ad Creator Name: Shelly Mazzanoble
Here’s why we couldn’t approve this ad
  • Your ad wasn’t approved because it doesn’t follow Facebook’s Advertising Guidelines for language that is profane, vulgar, threatening or generates high negative feedback. Ads can’t use language that insults, harasses or demeans people, or addresses their age, gender, name, race, physical condition or sexual preference.
    Before resubmitting your ad, please visit the Help Center to learn more and see examples of ads that meet our guidelines.
    If you’ve read the guidelines in the Help Center and think your ad follows the rules and should’ve been approved, please let us know.

Umm, yeah, Facebook, I think my ad follows your rules. I read your guidelines and no where does it say I can’t use a proper medical term for a body part. I mean, WTF? Have you seen some of the crap people are posting on your puritanical site? What about starving, abused puppies or images of the recent horrific shootings or Donald Trump? What did I say that was PROFANE, VULGAR, THREATENING OR COULD GENERATE HIGH NEGATIVE FEEDBACK?

I wrote to them to get clarification but haven’t heard back yet. I’ll be sure to let you know. In the meantime, feel free to share the post ON FACEBOOK and see if you can make some Silicon Valley, vagina-phobic intern blush while pushing the “not approved” button. Jerk.

 

I’m In the Powder Room!

No need to knock. I want you to come in here with me. In the Powder Room is one of my most favorite sites. I love funny women. I love funny, sometimes inappropriate women. I love funny, sometimes inappropriate women who dish about funny, inappropriate things.

Today my essay, Dear Smug Mom-to-Be is featured on the site!

BAM!

Read me In the Powder Room!

My friends recently had a baby and the new dad scolded me saying I didn’t appropriately warn them about how hard it was going to be. Umm, I beg to differ. If newborns could talk they’d all be suing me for slander. I have made it my mission to tell new parents exactly how shitty babies can be. (Literally, yes, but mostly figuratively.) Maybe I wasn’t harsh enough. Maybe I’m softening in my old age. Maybe my own, dear, awesome-sauce toddler is making me forget how dark those dark days were.

NO!

NEVER FORGET!

And that is exactly why I wrote this essay. So I would NEVER FORGET.

Read it and weep, parents-to-be. You’ve been warned.

Admit it, Parents. Some Kids are Jerks

My latest Mom in the Middle column is posted over on the PEPs blog and get this– BlogHer chose to feature it on their homepage again. I just love those lovelies over there. If I were a sorcerer I would grant them all sorts of cool things like the ability to cast “intestinal distress” on drivers who piss them off and “speedy metabolism” for…well…ever. They certainly know the way to my heart.

Anyway, got myself some more bling. Nice, huh?

Please feel free to check out my latest post either on BlogHer or PEPs. I’m all about the choices. And the bling.

 

Check Out My New Bling

I got a badge. That’s right. A “Featured on BlogHer” badge. Oh, you know, just picked it up at a street fair along with an elephant ear and some Tibetan prayer flags.

LIES!

You guys– I got a badge because my post was featured on the BlogHer homepage! If you’re wondering what that is or why it’s cool just trust me– it’s very cool! And I’m trying to so hard to act all cool but I can’t. I’m kind of freaking out, but quietly because Quinn is asleep and I forgot to turn his sound machine on tonight.

And it’s quite an honor. BlogHer is a community of women (like lots of women) dedicated to sharing and promoting quality content. Again, huge honor. Many thanks to the editors for letting me hang out in such good company on their homepage. Also, EEEEEEEEEEE!

Damn! Be cool, Shelly.

I’m a Scary Mommy

That’s right. I am. And damn proud of it.

In this case, it’s a good thing as I’m talking about my favorite mommy/parenting blog. My essay, 7 Simple Truths about Life Post-Partum was recently published on Scarymommy.com. Pretty cool, no? This parenting thing is really great for coming up with new material. Who knew? Well, you all did apparently.

Anyway, if you’re not grossed out about after birth or teenage menstrual cycles, please check it out! Apologies in advance for the TMI.

 

You’ll Figure it Out

When Quinn was born, Bart and I signed up for PEPs— a Seattle-based support group that pairs new parents up by birth dates and neighborhood. It’s a pretty unique and much appreciated program and absolutely proves the old “misery loves company” cliche is true. Every week, we’d meet up in someone’s living room and compare our “highs and lows.”

High: Baby is still alive

Low: I haven’t slept in seventy-seven hours

That kind of thing.

PEPs solicits stories from the front lines of parenthood every year for their PEPs Talk storytelling competition. You want stories, I thought? I’ve got stories. I submitted six. And guess what? I won! Part of my prize was getting a chance to read my winning essay at the annual fundraising luncheon for over 500 people. Good times! (Seriously. I love that stuff.)

My essay, You’ll Figure it Out, was featured on the PEPs blog today. More good times!

Who knew parenthood was such a goldmine for content? Better get it all in before Quinn figures out how to sue me.

Less Chat, More Read

For those of you are afraid of going into chat rooms alone (like me) then I forgive you for missing my Live Chat on the Wizards Community yesterday. I won’t tell you how much fun it was or that we had cake and minstrels and magic tricks and everyone went home with a koala bear. And a penguin. I don’t want you to feel bad, okay? What I will tell you is that you can now read the transcript of the chat right here.

We stripped out all mentions of koalas and minstrels because again… didn’t want you to feel bad. Maybe next time you’ll show up. Just saying…

Can We Chat?

That was my nod to Joan Rivers– one of my most favorite people in the whole world.

The answer to my question is YES! We sure can! When? Tomorrow in the WotC Community Chat Room.

Remember we tried to do this before but the chat room broke down? Right. Well, we’re trying it again. Take a break from your workday and stop by and say hello! Or at least log in and forget about it so it at least looks like I’m not sitting there all alone in a chat room. Hello? Anyone in here here here here… (That was an echo. Did you get it? Too early? Yeah, probably.)

Anyway, here’s the details for the chat. Just go here and follow the links. You’ll love it. Really.

Chat with me!

Chat Rooms Can Be So Lonely

So for the love of all things holy, don’t leave me in one by myself!

I’ll be doing a live (Yikes!) chat on the Wizards community site October 11th (that’s tomorrow for you calendar-challenged types), at 1:00 PM Pacific time. Come hang out with me! We can talk about the Real Housewives, holiday baking ideas, how to be the alpha to your cat, and if you insist, D&D. Whatever you want!

Feel free to post questions in advance here. And don’t forget to show up here tomorrow. You will need to be signed into the Wizards community to participate but that’s free and very easy and it’s where all the cool kids hang out too.

I look forward to typing with you tomorrow. When I’m not alone in a chat room. Right? Right?