Come on. How can you not read something called, Sex Panther? You know you want to.
Head on over to In the Powder Room for my latest Mother Rose Best column. Have I told you how much fun I’m having with this? I am! To think I used to watch this purely for the drama, cat fights, and ego-inflating meltdowns. There’s pure parenting gold in them hills!
We are on Week 3 of Mother Rose Best at In the Powder Room. There’s plenty of time to catch up! How can you resist reading articles that get tagged with things like “Cankles,” “Feet,” “Halitosis,” and “Penis?” That is some fine journalism right there and I could not be more proud.
I’ll be posting up a more in-depth recap of ep. 3 as soon as I’m done papering my neighborhood with this billboard. It’s for the kids!
Now that you’ve had days to read all those other recaps of The Bachelor, time to read mine. But first, you did read the latest Mother Rose Best over at In the Powder Room, right? DO NOT READ ANOTHER WORD UNTIL YOU DO THAT! It’s cool. I can wait.
All good? Terrific. Let’s get started.
Episode 2 of The Bachelor leaves me with the question: How are these women passing the background check portion of the vetting process? Surely at least a couple of them have restraining orders against them. If not, they will in about three weeks after our timid puppy, Ben, refuses to come out of his kennel until that big mean bulldog, Lace, is exterminated.
But Lace isn’t the only delusional alpha female (shocker!), which became abundantly clear early in this episode. She’s got some serious competition in the Thunderdome– Olivia. I’m pretty sure if the girls had their choice of who to evict, they’d chose the HDTV-friendly, over-announciating, news caster with the enormous jaw span. It’s pretty obvious Lace isn’t in the running for Ben’s affection. She’s pure entertainment gifted to viewers from very giving, if not demented, producers. But Olivia has managed to snag about 82 roses so far– including the much coveted first impression rose. So yeah, everyone hates her.
The show opened with Ben’s crotch wrapped in some seriously questionable underwear. His awkwardness oozed like Juan Pablo’s genital warts. (Did I just write that? Oh jeez, I’m sorry.) Then we cut to the ladies lounging in leisure-wear, drinking, not eating, and talking about how great Ben is.
“He checks everything off the list!”
“I want him to be my husband!”
“He’s the best bachelor ever!”
Olivia proceeded to offer up some dating advice, because, you know, she’s super generous like that.
“Get him with the eyes,” she said, meaning “Open up your giant maw and swallow him.”
Lace makes the first of many teetering, on the brink of tears confessions about her potentially not great first impression.
You think, Lacey? Yelling at a guy who gave you a rose but didn’t make enough eye contact with you wasn’t a good game plan? Weird. She admitted to getting a bit “too drunk” and “too emotional” which is, you know, kind of what happens when you’re “too drunk” and “too emotional” mixed with “too unstable to be on a reality TV show with 27 other other girls fighting for the same dude.” But whatevs. She eagerly awaited her second chance to make a first impression and by make “a first impression” she meant “some dirty moves on young, ernest Ben.”
First date envelope arrived and the girls tore it into like the laxatives stashed under their mattresses. As names got called, the girls cheer.
Date card read: “Let’s Learn About Love.” Unlike me, none of those yahoos can figure out what this means because unlike me, they didn’t read the “About this Episode” blurb.
The girls drink champagne while the limo drives them to “Bachelor High.” Oooooh! Back to school with Ben, who clearly thinks he hit his peak somewhere between tenth grade biology and junior prom. As they waited to hear what was in store, seven out ten girls re-lost their virginity and threw up behind the bleachers.
Jojo claimed she never felt this turned on in high school. Okay, then.
Chris Harrison came out dressed like a professor and explained that the winner of this competition would become Ben’s Homecoming Queen. Much squealing ensued. The girls paired up and competed in challenges (and I use that term loosely) such as locating Indiana on a map, bobbing for apples, shooting a basket from the free throw line, and “Make Ben’s volcano erupt” by combining ingredients needed for a healthy relationship like “Trust,” “Communication,” and “Regular STD check-ups.”
The last two girls standing included the crazy dentist and Amber who were forced to literally jump hurdles in order to be queen. Hell hath no speed like a dentist determined to give a man a root canal with her tongue. Turns out she’s pretty quick when not wearing a giant rose on her head. Amber became super emotional about being the runner up.
Dentist dons a tiara and Ben’s actual letterman jacket and they drive around the track in a convertible. Jennifer thought the whole thing was super romantic. Lace wished it was her, but allowed her envy to propel her determination to “do something about it.” Bitch is gonna get a rose if it’s the last thing Ben does.
The group date reconvened on a rooftop where more drinking and probable meltdowns ensued. Again Lace imparted how very important it was to GET A ROSE. She really did not want Ben to think she was SOME CRAZY GIRL. Why would he, Lace? Certainly not because you are SOME CRAZY GIRL.
Ben stole Becca the Virgin away first. They shot hoops and talked about how excited they were to be together in the most boring way possible. Ben lamented about the difficulties throwing a basketball while wearing a tailored shirt and Becca encouraged him to take it off. WHAT? Holy cats, girl, rein it in! That’s like going to third base for her!
Next up was Jennifer who was reassured in her belief that her and Ben make a great couple. Ben sealed it with a kiss. That’s right– a kiss! WHAT again? I thought you weren’t all about making out, Ben, you little manslut!
Jennifer ran back to the group and immediately told them about her chaste kiss. The girls realized shit just got real. Lace? Well, she burst into flames. Kiss or no kiss, SHE IS GETTING THAT DATE ROSE TONIGHT!
Back at the mansion, the rest of the girls sat around not eating, holding cocktails, and talking about what a great catch Ben was, while waiting for the next date card that would reveal who gets the first one-on-one. Olivia was sure it would be her because she got the first impression rose but alas, it went to Caila. Olivia and her gaping maw were so confused.
Back to the rooftop group date. Lace continued to get super frustrated over her lack of one-on-one time with Ben. Who invited these other nine girls anyway? She pounded a drink and yanked him aside to explain the Lace he got on that first night is not the “real Lace.”
She slurred and apologized for coming across that way and made sure to not let Ben interject with forgiveness. She held his hand. Gripped it really, and I’m sure I saw Ben wince. Safely encased in her alcohol shrouded cocoon, Lace left this one-sided conversation believing they were on the same page. Before she could get that hotly anticipated and dogged kiss, there came Jubilee and her biceps to ruin everything.
“I WILL GET MORE TIME WITH BEN TONIGHT,” Lace promised. “THIS IS NOT FINISHED!”
Jubilee commended Ben’s altruistic nature and divulged her past, living in an orphanage in Haiti until she was adopted at age six.
“It’s so nice to have someone to fully trust and pour out their soul to, you know?” (I can’t remember which deluded soul said this but does it really matter?)
To show of his appreciation for for her ability to overcome, Ben planted a chaste kiss on her too. Who’s running this show, Ben? Your Faith?
When Jubilee returned with the stench of Ben’s lips all over her face, Lace was fuming. Was that a test of the Emergency Broadcast System or Lace letting Jubilee know what’s what? It’s the latter of course! Sadly we’ll never know what what was because all we heard was one long consecutive beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Lace continued complaining about not having any time with Ben until the girls finally snapped and told her to zip it. Not one to take orders, Lace went back to the Ben well.
“I JUST NEED ONE MORE MINUTE!”
If Lace were a sensible lady she would have taken a cue from Ben’s body language. Leaning way back, awkward hug, eyes darting to nearest usable exit. But if she were a sensible lady we wouldn’t be recapping her mad adventures on The Bachelor, now would we? When Ben gave her enough eye contact to appease, Lace returned to the gaggle of women and the icy silence.Awkward!
Jojo was just about to write the whole thing off when Ben swooped in and took her to his “special place.” I’d be worried about sticky floors and foul odors if we were talking about any other Bachelor’s “special place” but we all know Ben’s high school locker is about as special as things get. His second most special place is a helicopter pad on the roof. The two exchanged a chorus of “This is unbelievable” and “I really want to get to know you” while tentatively hugging. Ben told Jojo he loved her boobs bubbly personality and really wanted to see more of them it. Jojo was surprised by the feelings she already developed. I’m surprised by whatever the hell happened off camera to make these two so goo goo gaga over each other.
Then it was time to hand out the coveted Date Rose. Lace was sure she was a shoe-in. I mean, how could she not be after 16 painful conversations about her not craziness? But Lace didn’t see what we saw on the helicopter pad so she was completely aghast when the rose went to Jojo. Lace stares at Ben like, “By “Jojo” you mean “Lace,” right? RIGHT?”
Next it was time for Ben and Caila’s one-on-one date. I can’t spend too much time on this because it was so freakin’ boring. Is this The Bachelor or The Duggers go to Prom? Come on, you nerds! And why is table they are dining at is so darn small?
Here’s the basics:
Not even Ice Cube or Kevin Hart (who were there to schlep their new movie) could make this date somewhat entertaining.
Caila is just as hokey and wholesome as Ben. She refers to “hell” as “You know where.”
These two snoozers are perfect for each other.
Amanda used her baby voice to call her kids. She realized Ben had no idea she is a mom and really, really want to talk to him.
Another envelope, another group date! The card read, “Are we a perfect match?”
The girls are taken to Love Lab and greeted by a Segway with an iPad for a head. He led them to Ben and about 94 people in white coats and clipboards which of course means they’re very serious scientists or maybe Clinique make-up artists
The twins are scared of this date. They don’t know much about science and don’t test well. Wait, is it a pregnancy test? Because never mind!
Love Lab apparently uses science to determine if prospective mates are actually good matches. Umm, if this was a real thing why doesn’t The Bachelor just use this instead of an eHarmony knock off questionnaire? Oh right. Because then we wouldn’t have Lace!
By far the weirdest part of the episode was when a blindfolded Ben was asked to sniff fresh-from-the-treadmill girls to see if their odors were appealing. He buried his face down deep in the glands right above the “reproductive organs” and took a giant whiff. Someone smelled “beachy!” Someone smelled like a “giant raspberry.” But Sam? Well, she smelled “sour.” Olivia loved this. Thought it was the funniest thing she ever heard.
“Like Chinese food!” she chortled.
Olivia is incredibly confident in her “relationship” with Ben. So confident that she pretty much doubled down and purchased stock in the Love Lab technology. She tried to make out with Ben during the “wear your underwear, get close, but don’t kiss” portion of the test.
“Why are you making me wait?” she asked in her nasally newscaster drawl. Was she trying to be sexy?
“Because people are watching,” Ben answered which everyone knows meant, “Because, ew!”
Not surprising Sam got the lowest score– a 2.4 out of 10. She was devastated and clearly forgot she JUST PASSED THE BAR EXAM! Buck up, Sour Patch! You’re almost a lawyer!
Olivia was embarrassed for her. Naturally she got the highest score.
Ben and the girls returned home for a casual evening where Olivia immediately pulled Ben aside, said she wasn’t surprised by her high score because she “feels compatibility” and also science. They kissed with tongue and Olivia declared it to be magical. She felt a heat in her “stomach area.” Right around where Ben was sniffing around.
A twin got nervous because she thought Ben liked outgoing women and not heavily made-up Girls Next Door types.
The Russian girl ate something.
Olivia wouldn’t divulge details of her alone time with Ben and gave the other girls “bad vibes.”
Sam got a second chance at the smell test. This time she smelled like passion fruit.
Lots of Spanx were revealed.
Olivia once again declared her faith in science and said she’d be “a little nervous” if basically you weren’t her.
Amanda finally told Ben about her daughters. Ben thought it was “amazing.” She “made more sense” now. He tells her to say “hi” to the kids for him.
The GD Date Rose went to Olivia who, so full of smugness and slapability, marveled at the fact she has no idea what a rose ceremony is.
Insecurities, stalking, and passive aggressiveness abounded at the cocktail party! Olivia and her rose lurked behind potted plants waiting for the right moment to “borrow Ben.”
“You can’t rest on your laurels,” she advised. Especially when you want to take Ben to your “secret spot and kiss him until his lips fall off.”
And just to ensure her crazy cake was iced with some Fatal Attraction, she referred to herself as “Wifey.” So, Lace. How you doing?
There can only be one Alpha dog so Lace asks for a little QT with Mrs. Olivia Higgins intending to tell her what’s what.
I’m kind of paraphrasing here but it went down like this:
LACE: “You like totally have a rose and went and talked to him again and I hardly have had any time with him so that’s like…rude.”
OLIVIA: Is there more gin? I need more gin.
Unable to convince Olivia to quit this bitch and get back to the Florida news anchoring, Lace decide to get with Ben one more time and make sure he knew she wasn’t some crazy girl.
“I have a very bold personality,” she explained.
Ben took a swig of his drink. “That so?” he said. (Or something to that effect. I was reading body language.)
Someone in a yellow dress interrupted them and Lace immediately ran to the confessional to berate herself for letting THAT Lace out. The INSECURE Lace! The LACE SHE PROMISED HERSELF WOULDN’T COME OUT, CAME OUT!
Another pocket of girls whined about how little time they’ve had to spend with Ben but still somehow know what a great guy he is. Must have read Olivia’s diary.
Ben continued making the rounds. Lauren B got a commemorative photo of the first time they talked.
She responded by telling him she’d be okay if she left. “I learned a lot about myself and made some new friends.”
Cuz, you know, that’s what it’s all about.
Ben and Amanda made barrettes. Yes. Made barrettes. No, that is not a euphemism. They’re for her daughters because as Ben said, “They’re involved too now.”
So much truth, Ben. Their therapist is saying the same thing.
The girls lined up like a middle school choir and readied themselves for the doling of the roses.
Roses went to:
Amanda (More crafting!)
Jubilee (More biceps!)
Lauren B. (More friends and deep introspection!)
Leah (More tossing the ol’ pigskin around!)
Becca (More sexual frustration!)
Rachel (Who the hell is this girl and where did she come from?)
Lace (More strong-arming from the producers!)
LB (More.. wait, nope. She decided to leave. See ya!)
Jennifer (Seriously who are you?)
Emily (More boring twins!)
Jami (More not really doing much. Let’s step it up, Jami!)
Lauren H (More wondering who the hell this girl is?)
Shushanna (More English subtitles!)
Haley (Even more boring twins!)
Amber (More self-doubt!)
Not surprising the Crazy Dentist, Sour Patch Sam and Jackie were all sent packing.
Seriously excited about the match-up sure to take place next week! Don’t forget to check out Mother Rose Best for your weekly dose of parenting advice mined from the TV wreckage.
I’m super excited about the opportunity to write about this season of The Bachelorin a new series, Mother Rose Best for the lovelies over at In the Powder Room. But I’m not just recapping the chardonnay shenanigans. Oh no. I’ll be dispensing practical parenting advice inparted from one of the world’s greatest guilty pleasures. Yes, you can learn a lot from a baby-voiced, ex-dancer with a spray tan and Cache credit card.
Ben takes us on a tour of his hometown and we see where he had his first kiss. We meet his parents who seem nice if not a bit horrified. They’ve been together 32 years and Ben claims to want what they have. I also want what they have—a house on the water. Lovely!
When her son brings up the insecurities he vomited all over America last season, his mom cries and dad commiserates. She wants her son to be happy and claims, “no matter where you find her, she’ll be great.” She already hates these women.
Then Ben gets facetime with three previous Bachelors. They tell him it’s going to be hard. He needs to be honest. Chris Soules wants him to kiss as many women possible. Ben is grossed out by this.
Chris Harrison and Ben bring it in for an awkward man-hug as the first limofull of girls pulls up the drive.
Lauren, a gorgeous flight attendant who brings him a pair of wings and thankfully steers clear of the “mile high club” low-hanging fruit joke.
Caila who spells her name in the most complicated way possible and believes after seeing Ben come out of the limo last season, he’s a perfect person. Umm, OK. I can actually see these two yahoos together.
Jennifer, a small business owner who forgot to mention her name.
Jami, a cute bartender from Canada who happens to know previous Bachelorette Kaitlin. She tells Ben she heard he has a really big…heart. GONG!
Jubilee, a super hot, badass war veteran. As lovely as she appears, she’s African American and we all know you don’t get attached to the token minority. Bummer.
Mandi: Good job perpetrating the Portland is Weird stereotype, Weirdo. Is every dentist on reality TV a psycho? Says she would not date a man with gingervitis which is actually not the worst advice, but wearing an enormous Pinterest-fail rose craft on your head is. (Ladies, if you can’t pick out the token “kooky” girl in your season, it’s you.)
Emily and Haley: Oh lord, we have blond twins. “Group hug?” Ben asks, clearly terrified.
Lace the Aggressor. Immediately went in for some tongue action because she wanted the first kiss. How come I know Ben isn’t into kissing chicks on the first night and she doesn’t? Get a life and a clue how to use Google.
Jessica from Florida. Clearly she didn’t make an impression on me or Ben because that’s all I know about her.
Lauren R. a math teacher who professed to stalking Ben via social media for two months. (Take a hint, Lace.) Wow, Lauren. Are you sure you’re not a P.I.? You’ve got some serious sleuthing skills stalking a man who was recently named the star of a popular reality TV franchise. He kept asking what her name was. She didn’t tell him.
Shushana, who looks like a belly dancer and appeared to be speaking in tongues.
Leah, girl-next-door event planner. She hikes up the tulle on her dress and lobs a football at Ben.
Lauren H. was the lucky recipient of the bouquet toss at a wedding recently so naturally she took that as a sign. She gives the shriveled bouquet to Ben who can’t believe it still smells good.
Breanne, a nutritional therapist who hates gluten so much she repeatedly smashed a baguette on the sidewalk in front of Ben. MUST…DESTROY…ALL…GLUTEN!
Isabel, who goes by Izzy, eschewed the idea of wearing a gown in favor of PJ’s. “I need to find out if you’re the onsie for me,” she says as America collectively groans.
Rachel who is unemployed ditched the limo in favor of a hoverboard. Is this the same vehicle that spontaneously bursts into flames and Amazon demanded we destroy like it’s a big, glutenly baguette? That’s good TV!
Maegan is a cowgirl who doesn’t go anywhere without her mini horse. Ben and Maegan have as much chemistry as a host and restaurant patron waiting to be seated but the horse is damn cute.
Laura, who likes to go by “Red Velvet,” is already intimidated. See ya at the reunion, Red Velvet!
Joelle, exits the limo wearing a giant unicorn head. Because why not?
Amanda tell us in her little girl voice (uh oh, Dr. Drew!) about the two daughters she left behind in her quest to find a man who will one day give them daddy issues. Go on and leave your kids, Amanda. Toddlers don’t do anything cool anyway.
Tiara who is billed as a”chicken enthusiast” shows pictures of her beloved birds–and Ben–in frames. My husband calls her the “female Gonzo.”
LB who does something in fashion. Blah blah blah. She’s too thin to care about.
Jackie arrives with a Save the Date card. Whoa. Hold your mini horses, girl.
Olivia, a newscaster from Florida says “hi” like seven times in three seconds. Ben loves her already.
Samantha, a recent law school graduate finds out during the limo ride that she passed the bar exam. Her dad passed away from ALS when she was a teen, but she takes comfort in knowing he’s smiling down on her as she prepares to don a bikini and get HPV from the shared toilet seats in the house.
Excited about the cast of potential wives, Ben calls to wake up his parents letting them know it’s real likely one of these twenty-six beauties or a mini horse will be joining them next Thanksgiving. Mom roots for the horse.
After some back-biting, bitch-calling, delusion of grandeur, aborted make-out attempts, and public shaming (all by the same horrible woman: Lace), Ben succumbs to a spontaneous dental exam (could probably floss better) a twin sandwich (“It’s not awkward for us so it shouldn’t be for you”), good old fashioned bonding over the sensual world of software sales, and two surprise contestants from previous seasons (what’s-her-face and Becca the Virgin!) He then has to explain to Lace why he won’t be sleeping with her tonight. Do we really need to do this? You’re one of twenty-eight girls, Lace. Not even close to the hottest. You just met the guy. She takes this to mean she’s definitely getting a rose tonight and she totally did because the producers must love her.
Soon Ben makes the tough choice to send eight girls who have been drinking on an empty stomach a’ packing. Breanne, the gluten hater is one of the casualties and is devastated because she’s “gone through so much already.” Yes, Breanne, it’s hard to give up wheat, but there are so many good alternatives out there these days. You’ll be okay.
A few final thoughts:
Becca, you might be a virgin but that dress you wore isn’t.
Can we keep the horse? Please!? I promise to take care of it!
L.B., in lieu of a rose, will you please accept a sandwich?
The Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle recently welcomed a baby girl gorilla. Adorbs. Have you ever seen anything this cute?
No, you haven’t.
At least not until you see this.
I mean, right? Separated at birth? My own mother seems to think so as she’s the one who pointed out the similarities. I was freshly delivered here. That is pure, untouched, newborn baby hair. And it was fabulous.
And thank you, Des, for noticing that sweet big brother, Mike, appears to be pointing a gun and his baby sister’s back. Ah, the 70’s.
Nope, Grandma’s not visiting. Nope, not left over from the previous homeowners. I bought these. For me. They, along with the 17 bags of cotton balls and gripe water were on my “things I apparently need to stockpile before I bring home a baby” list. (Why do I have so many cotton balls. What is the need in a newborn’s life for so many cotton balls?)
In any case, I have these enormous protection discrete contra les pertes pads. Never opened them. Just let them take up space under the bathroom sink for two years that could have gone to, oh I don’t know, a Volvo? But nope. One of our “teachers” scared the amniotic fluid out of me and sent me to Walgreens on an ultimate absorbency, long length, overnight protection lady pad raid because goddammit if you don’t have 800 Poise pads after you have a baby, you ain’t got nothing.
Yeah, stuff happens post-birth and yeah, your regular run-of-the-mill pantyliner won’t cut it. (We’ll just leave it at that.) But I’m pretty sure I didn’t need two year’s worth of long-ass pads. What did I think was going to fall out of me? Crater Lake?
See? This is just another way those hospital birthing class fail. Parents-to-be are not leaving adequately prepared. Nice to know some women find sitting on a fit ball relieves some of the discomfort of labor. (Discomfort? Really? F.U.) And sure the carseat safety class is good and all but an email from my doctor saying, “Congratulations! You’re having a baby! Call this number and have Sue show you how to install your carseat” would have sufficed. (Then again, all those hospital administrators and parents-to-be would have missed out on watching Bart upturn a carseat and try to shake the doll baby free. Totally worth the price of admission.)
This is why I am teaching my own parenting survival class. Hey– I’ve been told by one new mom that my articles and blogs have actually helped her acclimate to parenthood because I have “so totally freaked her out about the sufferings and horrors of those first few months” anytime her baby is wearing clothes and her teeth have been brushed at least a few times a week she calls it a win. So that’s a good review, right?
My class will debunk all the things the hospital classes teach and teach everything they don’t. Things like:
Breastfeeding sucks. (No pun intended) and your baby can’t do it because they probably have a tongue-tie.
What the eff is a tongue-tie, you ask? The seemingly most common, least talked about condition newborns are born with.
Yes, Mom, you should be pumping. Like non-stop.
Recommendations for shitty TV shows you wouldn’t be caught dead watching but will LOOOOOOOOVE when you’re awake at 3AM with a baby on your boob.
How to disguise the fact you’re wearing maternity clothes 9 months postpartum.
How to disguise the fact you’re wearing a canoe taped to your underwear.
The amazing things your body can do on 2 hours of sleep.
Formula will not kill your baby.
Outside will not kill your baby.
How to trick a newborn into liking their carseat (and stroller, bassinet, Ergo, crib, pajamas, sponge bath, etc.) Here’s a hint: they have no freakin’ idea what they like.
How to stand up to a bully baby.
Sleep training– do it. Babies are not the boss of you (see above).
WTF is gripe water? No, you don’t need it.
C-sections are not a money-making scheme for doctors to make more money. No one gets a toaster after a baby is delivered this way. But you do get a baby so there’s that.
How to imagine the most terrifying, chaotic, harrowing period of your life and then use that as your happy place once you’re parenting a newborn.
How not to throat-punch the next person who tells you, “It’s super hard but it get soooooooo much better!” Again, F.U.
I will call my class, “Misery.” Oh crap, that’s taken? Fine. How about, “Well, Now You’ve Done it. Might as Well Try to Survive It.”
Hospitals, step aside. I’m taking over. Sign up for my first class today and take advantage of a limited time* promotion: Every students gets a Poise pad and a cotton ball.