Bachelor in Paradise: Now with 11.11% More Lip Filler!

I could only stand 1:26 minutes of Bachelor in Paradise tonight and that’s a real problem, friends. It’s a double episode week. That’s FOUR hours of quality television I’m woefully behind on. You don’t just go binge-watching half-naked, drunk strangers get bit by crabs while they poop their pants and make-out in hot tubs. You’ve got to train for this stuff, people. This ain’t House of Cards or Orange is the New Black. This is paradise, baby. Novices, go home.

Fortunately, I am the Simone Biles of reality TV watching and therefore don’t need to watch full episodes to recap them.  I can zero right in on the nugget that boils down the essence and makes TV, great TV.

Read on and be amazed.

First, some highlights:

  • Chad actually left paradise. We were mislead into thinking he would return and incite panic and fear in Evan and his red t-shirt collection, but alas. Blink and you almost miss him shoving bologna slices and shots of Fireball into his meat hole while lamenting his future in the back of the reject Escalade. “What am I going to do now?” He questioned. “I can’t be the Bachelor now. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!”
  • New girl showed up and packed a steamer truck of crazy. I guess you can just drop into paradise whenever you feel like it? I remember Leah from Ben’s season. She was quiet and unassuming until she wasn’t. Then she was bat shit crazy and let loose a monsoon of delusion she was clearly harboring for at least 6, possibly 7, past lives. It was awesome.
  • Leah was sad to hear Chad got the boot seconds before she got there. She was sure they’d be a match because they both like protein and she spent the last few months injecting the same fillers found in his lunch meat into her lips. Who needs dumb, old pheromones?
  • Twins were not impressed with Leah’s new lips.
Guess who we are? Leah! Get it? Our lips are all big and our faces are all dumb looking?
Guess who we are? Leah! Get it? Our lips are all big and our faces are all dumb looking?
  • Carly ran out of guys so she had to hang out with Evan. She said she wanted a man to act like a man so he put his head on her shoulder and sighed. You know, like a man.
  • Carly and Evan kissed. She declared said kiss to be the grossest, most disgusting thing to happen in paradise since Chad’s 1st Annual Crab & Crap show.
  • Evan was instantly in love and spent the rest of the night gently caressing his tummy and dreaming about cake tasting and pleated tuxedo shirts. You know, like a man.
Alone on my scratchy wool blanket-covered cot, gently stroking my dad bod, three-four nanny cams hidden around the room. Ooooooh, Paradise...
Alone on my scratchy wool blanket-covered cot, gently stroking my dad bod, three to four nanny cams hidden around the room. Ooooooh, Paradise…
  • Roses were handed out.
  • A couple of crabs humped.
When in Rome...
When in Rome…

That’s all fine and good, but here’s the real essence-capturing nugget. I call this moment, “When Crazy Met Stupid.”

In a desperate attempt to garner a rose, Crazy Train Leah and dumb, misogynist Canadian Daniel had a lovely, little chat that went something like this:

So like, do onions make themselves cry? Because that would like suck and be like sad and stuff, ay?
So like, do onions make themselves cry? Because that would like suck and be like sad and stuff, ay?

Crazy: I don’t want people to think–

Dumb: That you’re some crazy girl?

Crazy: I’m not crazy. I’m very normal. I have lots of layers.

Dumb: Like an onion.

Crazy: Yeah.

Dumb: Are you going to make me cry?

Crazy: (Emphatically) No.

Dumb: Okay, so not like an onion.

Crazy: I have layers like an onion, but I might cry because I’m the onion. (SUBTEXT: STFU, Daniel and get a clue! This is about ME. It will always be about me! Give me your eff’ing rose so I can shove it up your dumb, maple syrup loving ass!)

Dumb: So you’re like an orange… with one layer.

Crazy ponders this.

So I'm like an orange? Hmm...all this time I'm thinking onion. Maybe that's my problem...
Oh GOD. Maybe I am like an orange? Hmm…all this time I’m thinking onion. Maybe that’s my problem…

And… scene.

  • Crazy Leah and Jubilee were dismissed.
  • They cried in the back of black SUVs. Again.

There. Now you’re caught up on the first hour and twenty-six minutes of Monday’s episode and only had to shed .000000000000078 of brain matter to grasp it.

Only two hours and thirty-six minutes left in Paradise for this week. Belly up to the bar, but for the love of god don’t eat the free pretzels and wash your hands after touching everything!

Two Tickets (and a metric ton of rash cream) to Paradise

Five minutes, I said. I’ll just watch for five minutes. 

What’s the harm? The Bachelorette ended and I was missing Chris Harrison. I was curious, I admit. I never watched this show. FIVE MINUTES, I said.

Look, I never promised you quality television recaps, but even I may have sunk to the lowest of the stinkiest, most manuer-ish of compost piles. Last night I fell victim to some fabulous ABC PR person’s wily ways and watched maybe the dumbest, grossest, saddest show on all of television. And yes, I mean that in the most flattering way.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I please direct your DVRs to this piece of broadcasting gold:

Where the swim suits are always damp and the hot tub is constantly disinfected. Ahh...paradise.
Where the swim suits are always damp and the hot tub is constantly disinfected. Ahh…paradise.

That’s right. The Bachelor goes to paradise and there ain’t enough Airbus A380’s in the world to store the baggage these romanic rejects are packing.

First, a small digression. WTF is up with single parents who gush over their small children and tout how being a parent is the most important thing they’ve ever done, blah blah blah only to ditch their little obligations for months at a time to be some soulless producer’s bonus-generating puppet. We’ve got two single parents on BiP, friends. And mind you this is both of their second times at the shitshow. (Shitshow = not-so-subtle foreshadowing, btw.) Is flaunting your cameltoe and posturing with a belligerent, steroid-dropping, raw potato eating, angry gorilla man really your best parenting game? I mean, I will run, RUN, to Target anytime Bart says “I got this” but I’m usually back in a couple of hours. Or at least that same day.  And Single Mom Amanda has a daughter who is only two. TWO! And Mommy’s been on reality TV looking for love TWICE in her lifetime! COME ON. Ever hear of Tinder?

Also, Single Mom Amanda clearly shares a wardrobe with her four year-old. Put on some damn pants and cover those ass cheeks, MOM.

But I digress. Sort of. Actually not really because ass cheeks and steroids is kind of the lifeline of this show. In a nutshell, you take fifteen Bachelor/Bachelorette cast-offs, throw them into some resort on a tropical beach, supply them with an always open open bar (and adorable bartender who sees the exchange of more contanimated bodily fluids than the lab technican at a college campus health center) and you promise them a second chance at finding love.

Here’s the dumb-ass fame whores you’ll meet:

Amanda– Aforementioned single mom who still has her baby voice and love of levitating, shoulder less blouses.

Evan– Aforementioned single dad, erectile dysfunction specialist, wimpy-wimpy-whiner-pants who is still bitching about the red t-shirt that gorilla man Chad tore in a fit of steroid-induced rage.

Chad– Aforementioned gorilla man, roid-rager, and clearly THE STAR OF THE WHOLE DAMN FRANCHISE!

Lace– The Female Chad minus the roids. Crazy like a fox. A drunk fox. A constantly drunk fox.

Nick– Two-time runner up on previous Bachelorette seasons. Did you read that correctly? TWO TIME RUNNER UP. Give it up, man! GIVE IT UP! 

The Twins: Bumpy and Bimminy? Itsy and Bitsy? Twin 1 and Twin 2? Whatevs. They’re back and possibly even dumber than before.

Grant: Guy who says he feels bad for anyone who gets stuck with the crazy girl and immediately starts flirting with the crazy girl.

Jubilee: War vet who realized she had a bad case of Resting Bitch Face after watching herself on The Bachelor. Tries hard to smile now, which may the most positive outcome this show has ever had.

Jared: Guy all the girls seem to like. I don’t get it. Not at all. What is with the forward-combed hairstyle? What is he hiding in the temple region of his forehead? Am I only one who sees this uncanny resemblance?

Are you freakin' kidding me? Bald Joe cuts your hair too?
“Are you freakin’ kidding me? Bald Joe cuts your hair too? This is crazy!”

Daniel: Possibly more offensive than Chad and the worst Canadian import since Carly Rae Jepsen. Compares himself to herpes and refers to women as “sweet fruit.”

Carly: Not Carly the bad Canadian mentioned above. Weird layers in her hair. Reeks of instability. Probably fun to drink with.

Vinnie: Bland and unattractive on The Bachelorette and, well, points for consistency, I guess.

Sarah: Most normal cast mate and I really wish she would just go home.

Izzy: Might have been seen locking lips with Bland Vinnie. I don’t know. I don’t care.

I’m still not actually sure how this show works, but no matter. I’m not watching it because for the sportsmanship. I’m watching it for this:

How'd that crab get out of my pants?
“How’d that crab get out of my pants?”

That’s gorilla man Chad getting all Lindsay Lohan-y in the sand. And that’s a crab by his head that crawled out of his pants and is trying to get as far from paradise as possible. There are a lot of crabs in paradise as Chad pointed out upon exiting (Oh. Did I spoil something?) before telling them all to “F*ck off.” They’re crabs, Chad. And the producers brought them here as a giant metaphor for this whole entire season.

So I guess there is supposed to be some kind of format to this show. People go on dates. They get jealous. They fight. They give out roses. They think they’re falling in love. Dates appear to involve a shit ton of party supplies and horrific, mood-killing clowns who mimic sexual intercourse with gyrating hips and a well-placed horn.

Now I shall play " sexual intercourse" on my horn.
“Now wait. Y’all think I’M bat shit crazy for being on this show? Umm…”

Jubilee got the magical date card and asked Heckle to join her at a tiny bistro table and pretend to eat a meal surrounded by drippy, glittery, low-hung pinatas. Because why? Because nothing says, “Let’s romance” like a roomful of paper mache chili peppers filled with Sweet Tarts and Frooties.

You know what this place needs? A clown!
You know what this place needs? A clown!

Shit was just weird. Let’s talk about Chad.

So, all the ladies were encouraged by producers to pontificate about the “real Chad” and make wild hypotheses like, “I bet we will like him” and “But he’s really hot. How bad can he be?” There is no way anyone with enough brain matter to find their way out of an airport would find anything about this guy attractive. Unless of course you’re Lace whom as we already know from MOTHER ROSE BEST was seventy-three shades of crazy. Oh wait! She’s not crazy anymore according to Dr. Lace. After seeing herself on The Bachelor she realized she had some issues:

  • Drinks too much
  • Jealous as f*ck
  • Mean girl
  • Delusional
  • Angry drunk
  • Sloppy drunk
  • Emotional drunk
  • Secure as an ice cube facade twelve inches from the equator

She claimed to have worked out all the crazy which was evident by the at-home footage of her cradling a stemless wine glass and professing her love for its contents. Also agreeing to be on this show really points to totally lucid, sane, upstanding citizen.

Naturally Chad and Lace were drawn to each other like a dying geranium to a beam of sunlight. Within seconds these two idiots were making out in the hot tub, which lead to lots of splashing, more drinking, and slurred profanities as each one tried to drown the other and eat their head. Eventually Chad was gross enough even for Lace who declared him to be the reincarnation of the “Old Lace.” (Thirty minutes prior she called him “a king” and wanted to treat him as such so what does she know?) 

Chad no likey rejection.

Frustrated, he stomped away, ate thirty-five pounds of deli meat, and eventually passed out in the crab infested sand and proceeded to shit himself.

A minute for that to sink in.

What’s that? You didn’t read that right?

I said, PROCEEDED TO SHIT HIMSELF.

SHIT HIMSELF!

A grown up!

My toddler doesn’t even do that anymore!

The next morning host, Chris Harrison called out the litany of bad things Chad did in his schammered state like:

  • Called Lace a bitch and threatened to leave her duct-tied under a bus
  • Threatened to kill all of the castmates and their families
  • Made fun of Sarah who was born with half of an arm missing
  • Tried to throw a few punches at his former buddy, Daniel
  • Told the resort workers to “suck a dick”
  • Shit himself

SHIT HIMSELF!

Chad denied it all and couldn’t understand why everyone was so upset? Chris Harrison can tolerate–even encourage– a lot of crap, but not when it’s spilling out of the pockets of your cargo shorts. Chad was asked to pack his knives and go. (Wait. Wrong show but it actually works here. Sorry, Padma.)

Naturally this enraged Chad because WTF does Chris Harrison know. He didn’t know what went down the previous night because he was too busy hanging out in his hotel robe drinking mimosas. Chris was all like, “Ew, Chad! No one drinks mimosas at night! Now get the f*ck off my island!”

But this is reality television, my friends, and producers do not let this kind of gold go easily. Yes, no one truly in their right mind is going to look for love on a reality show, but people like Chad come around as often as Comet Hale-Bopp (and incites as much insanity.) Like his exit on The Bachelorette, this is going to be long, drawn out, creepy, dramatic, and prone to evil whistling. You have to tune in next week to see what happens. You have to. Don’t make me do this alone.

Pack your bags, anti-itching cream, penicillin, and Chad-Away spray because we’re going in. Paradise, here I come.

"Last one to get hepatitis C is a rotten egg!"
“Last one to get hepatitis C is a rotten egg!”

 

 

 

 

 

All Good Things

…must come to an end.

Sigh…

I’m going to miss writing these Bachelor recaps.

But, but, I love them both! Can't I have two rings, Mr. Lane?
But, but, I love them both! Can’t I have two rings, Mr. Lane?

You’ve got to check out the final installment of Mother Rose Best, Fools of Engagement, if for no other reason than to see the awesome Chris Harrison GIF the editors unearthed. It’s pretty fabulous.

Many thanks to the ladies of In the Powder Room for allowing me to crash the stalls once a week. What pure joy they are to work with.

Cheers to another match made in Reality TV heaven, where the booze flows and annulments are doled out like shots of penicillin. I’m sure it took me longer to write this post than for Bachelor Ben to realize he should have picked Bachelorette #2. Oh well. There’s always next season.

How many seasons is too many season? Asking for a friend.
How many seasons is too many season? Asking for a friend.

 

Mother Rose Best, Week 9

Remember this girl?

Sit and spin, bitches!
Sit and spin, bitches!

Spoiler alert! She’s still in the running to be America’s Next– oops! Wrong show. But yeah, she’s still in the running to be Bachelor Ben Higgins’ ex-fiance. Which is great because she’s helping today’s children become better citizens of tomorrow. How, you ask? Clearly you have not been reading Mother Rose Best. You best giddy-on-up over to In the Powder Room and check out the latest, Jamaican of a Marriage, right now. Why? Because I’m the mother, that’s why! And clean your room while you’re at it.

 

Be Offended

Facebook offers some really fun insights on pages you manage. For instance, after I posted the link for the latest Mother Rose Best, “Putting the Ho in Hometown“, 4 people either hid that post, hid ALL posts, reported me as Spam or unlike my page. Damn! Four?

What? Don’t hide me, my friends. Why do I offend? You’ll have to read it and and report back.

Smooches!

 

New Mother Rose Best

Burning questions, people!

  • Did Ben the Bachelor moved beyond tight-lip, closed-mouth kissing?
  • Did the token virgin give it up in Ben’s childhood bedroom?
  • Did a future NFL cheerleader’s understudy’s intern make Ben’s mother cry?

And more importantly, why is this blonde woman choking out another blonde woman?

He's my fake husband, Blondie! MINE!
He’s my fake husband, Blondie! MINE!

Find out the answers to these questions and more in the latest Mother Rose Best!

Mother Rose Best- Save the Drama for Bahamas

Oh man, The Bachelor sure doesn’t lack for writing fodder. It’s like a two-year old that way. Also in other ways like the fearful, petchulant, moody behavior of the contestants. Also the gullibility and belief in fairy tales. Also… wow. Maybe that’s a whole separate column.

As if I didn’t love In the Powder Room already, I love them even more every Monday when I write the latest Mother Rose Best and every middle of the night Tuesday when I turn it in (because I’m slow. And a bad editor. And easily distracted by shiny things on the internet.) Please read the latest installment, Save the Drama for Bahamas now. Take your time. I’ll just be shopping for plant stands on the internet.

Are you back? Okay. So much more to discuss about this season and I’ve been remiss on posting my larger recaps. I KNOW you’re dying to find out what happened. So here’s some of the highlight from where we left off.

  • Olivia was mean to the girls
“Talking crazy shit is my jam, bitches. I mean, bros.”
  • She called Amanda “Teen Mom” and greatly offended EVERYONE
  • Olivia still thought she had a psychic connection with Ben and that he sent her positive affirmations through his body language and secret hand signals
  • Ben’s virginal tongue still hasn’t kissed anyone
  • Twin Emily can NOT get over Olivia calling Amanda Teen Mom and claimed it was the most offensive thing she ever heard.
    • Twin Emily is grossly sheltered. Clearly.
    • As a 40-something mom with a toddler, I welcome any and all comparisons to Teen Mom. Bring on the offensive comments, Olivia!
  • Caila is still super annoying and acts like a ten year-old girl who still plays with Barbie. And she’s scared to death of a relationship. Ben apparently likes that in a girl-woman.
  • Jubliee melted down and got the inevitable boot. “Inevitable” because she is African-American, not because of her meltdown. I liked her. This made me sad.
  • Leah went bat shit cray cray. She lost it big time and tried to take Ben’s favorite, Lauren B. down with her.
  • Emily told Ben that Olivia was a meanie. Ben pretended to be surprised and saddened to hear this.
  • Ben pulled Olivia aside to ask her why she was such a bully
    • Because the girls are jealous of her
    • Because she has a target on her back after getting the first impression rose
    • Because she has ugly toes
    • Because she’s a victim
    • Because the girls are dumb and she is smart and wants to “talk smart things.” Like, right?
Like, fat toes and cankles, you dig?
  • Ben thought Las Vegas was a great place to fall in love
  • Ben thought Mexico was a great place to fall in love
  • Ben thought the Bahamas were a great place to fall in love
  • After the girls on the Bahamas group date bitched out and ignored him, Ben started questioning the reality of finding his wife on reality TV
  • Ben pondered throwing himself off a cliff in the middle of a hurricane
“Maybe face-planting on these rocks would be less painful than listening to women I have no desire to tongue kiss sob all day. Hmm…”
  • Pigs swim in the Bahamas (real pigs, not a metaphor) and nearly drowned the girls over some chicken hotdogs. It was fabulous.
“It’s chicken, I swear!”
  • Olivia was dumped on the worst private island ever and apparently left there to die.
“I wore my best Mom jeans for this?”
  • Some other girls went home crying in black SUVs. Later!

And that’s basically what you missed. Are you asking yourself why you’re not watching this gold? Put down that book and get cultured for goodness sake!

 

The Bachelor, Ep. 3 Recap

We open with the girls lounging around their mansion, sipping bevvies and talking trash. Word has it Olivia dropped $40,000 on her wardrobe. What what?! The girls pondered her inner workings and came to the very astute realization is that she’s not a nice person but “knows how to not look bad in front of the cameras.”

My friends—there be geniuses among us.

Meanwhile Olivia used her one-on-one time with the cameras to repeat her wanton desire to hold Ben’s hand. And kiss him. And become Mrs. Ben Higgins or at least French kiss him. Yes, French kissing would do nicely.

Chris Harrison showed up and the girls half-assed tried to not look disappointed. He noticed the air is “different.” It’s getting “heavy” up in here. He dropped off the date card, letting the girls know this week would be a little different. There would one group date and be two one-on-ones, the first going to Lauren B.

Jubilee shot her a dirty look. Lauren B. bats her freakishly long lashes in disbelief. Cut to a shot of her applying mascara to her freaky long lashes. I expect they have their own Twitter account by now.

When Ben showed up, he and Lauren spent considerable time marveling at the fact they are both wearing shades of blue. I mean, eHarmony couldn’t have paired them better. This color-matching must be science.

They cruised down the highway in a convertible, which Lauren pretended to enjoy but, like any girl who spent four hours curling her hair and applying mascara to freakishly long eyelashes, was really pissed about.

They spotted an enormous sign for an airport and Lauren asked, “Are we going to an airport right now?”

See? Geniuses.

A bi-plane was ready to take them on a romantic, nausea-inducing tour over the Bachelor mansion. Lauren was full of nerves which is to be expected from a flight attendant. But fear not.  Shortly after take off, she disclosed that, “flying in the clouds with Ben takes the nerves away.” Good to know Ben’s limp arm around a shoulder can accomplish what years of experience and flight simulator training can not. (And yes, I know a bi-plane is different than a 747 but still. She was a little dramatic.)

As they make-out (how could they not in that tiny airplane seat) I noticed Ben’s little bracelet that says, “Hope.” Aw, Ben, that’s cute. Now can you please give that back to the American Girl doll you stole it from? This guys is getting hokier and less charming by the millisecond.

Between the hot tub that magically appeared in the desert and the surprise private concert from a country singer I never heard of, Ben and Lauren discussed her trust issues (which surely will be solved by dating a man alongside 28 other women on national TV) and how she just wanted a simple life. Ben, a simple guy who would give his charm bracelet wearing left arm for a trip back to high school, was clearly smitten and couldn’t believe no one had snatched her up yet.

“I’m picky,” she explained.

That and she wants a guy just like her dad.

Lauren 100% believes she can fall in love with Ben and said she’ll remember this date for the rest of her life. If you have a TV with a DVR then yep, you will!

Meanwhile, back at the house there’s some blubbering.

“There are other women here!” Thanks, Caila, another freakin’ genius.

“Ben likes goody-goody soccer moms and that’s so not me!” Jubilee, badass war veteran who can break your face just by flexing, noticed. She is not wrong on either account.

A bunch of girls realized “it’s hard to have an open heart when you can see it getting broken” which is why most people don’t have their bumbling quest for love immortalized for all of eternity to mock, judge, and re-cap three days late on the internet (which unlike whatever union this show ends with is forever.) Through her tears, Caila, determined that it would be worth it.

The group date card arrived revealing Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Lace, Emily, and some chick named Rachel I swear I’ve never seen before. “Love is the Goal” the card read which sends the room into madness and speculation and a cloud of hairspray.

They arrived at the L.A. Coliseum and are met by two women from the U.S. Nationals team, Chris Harrison in soccer garb, and Ben in a blue workout shirt that makes the girls dizzy with lust. Ben said he’s looking at how they “interact with a team” which in theory meant none of them will get a rose.

The girls claimed to have never played soccer before which everyone finds totally shocking until we actually saw them play. Picture kittens, high on ether, trying to chase a laser pointer, while scotch taped to one another. The kittens would fall down less.

Olivia, no surprise, said it’s all about winning (duh.)  And Ben was the prize (no shit?) Oh and she’s competitive. (You don’t say?)

Lauren H. said it’s “NOT JUST A GAME!” which is a bit surprising coming from a kindergarten teacher where pretty much everything he does is in fact a game. (I said, COME OVER, RED ROVER! You think this just a game?!)

Girls broke up into two teams, stars and stripes. Losers will go home, winners will get to carry on with Ben and a platter of Hors d’oeuvres that will remain untouched. Olivia and Lace were on the same team so I’m totally rooting for them to win.

A newborn had better dexterity than these jokers but I will say Twin 1, Emily, was a pretty good goalie which is weird for a girl who probably never blocked a ball coming at her in her life. (Yeah, I said it. No, I don’t have anything to back that up, but I said it.)

Rachel wants to show Ben what a trooper she is so she gets injured, rolls around on the grass for a while, and then rejoined the game. Jami needed some one-on-one time real bad, which was evident by the way she bulldozed the other girls and came out looking like the “before” on a Tide commercial. Her team won so it was not all in vain.

The losers walked home, except Rachel who was carried by Shushanna.

“DOOR!” she yelled, walking up the cobblestone path.

The Stars have a good cry and drink their supper.

The winners’ date continued on a rooftop where they toasted to their successful rout over the Stars. As Ben was stating how important it was to talk to each of them, Olivia interrupted and asked to “Steal him away.” Look bitches, Olivia didn’t blow a downpayment on a house on a wardrobe full of sequins just to sit on a couch sipping her water. (Water!?) 

It took all of two and a half seconds for the gossip and behind-the-back talking to begin.

“She’s so aggressive!” (From Lace, so, umm, there you go.)

“She’s got fake books!”

“Her breath is horrible!”

“She’s got fat toes!”

Wait, what?

“I noticed that too!” the other girls squealed. “EW!”

Jami was torn. While she also noticed Olivia’s husky toes, she clearly felt bad saying so. The best thing to do would be let Olivia know h

Alone with Ben, Olivia took the opportunity to tell him how much she missed him. Like misses him all the time. She then went on to ponder why all the other girls find her so intimating.

“I don’t think I am,” she said in her defense.

Well, then you’re not, Olivia! Fair enough! And for the record, I don’t think you are either. You are more annoying than wet sleeves, but definitely not intimidating. 

When Olivia returned Jami pulled her aside to let her know her physical flaws were being picked apart like a hot loaf of monkey bread.

“They were making fun of my cankles, weren’t they?” Olivia asked.

“Umm, no,” said Jami.

“My calves?”

“Nope.”

“Tell me what they said,” Olivia cajoled, truly perplexed.

“They were making fun of your toes…”

“My toes…interesting.”

Later, in her confessional, Olivia admitted that she does in fact have fat toes. And cankles. And yeah, she’s aggressive. So sue her.

“Perfection is lame.”

Lace was melancholy. She admitted to the camera that she “puts up a wall” when she feels uncomfortable. And by “puts up a wall” she meant “drink until she bitches out and starts referring to herself in the third person.”

Amber was hoping two times will be the charm because if you keep appearing on The Bachelor and keep getting rejected… well, that would just be plain embarrassing. After some awkward, hands-free kissing, Ben gave her the immunity rose. This made Olivia sad but she understood. Ben couldn’t give her a rose every time. She’s reassured of his true feelings because they no longer need words to communicate. When he stood up, he “pushed off on her leg.”

“That was a sign!” she explained! Because you know, he does things like that for her and no one else.

One more one-on-one date was up for grabs and to everyone’s surprise it went to Jubilee. How did she respond? I’m not sure as there was nothing but a long BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP and a bunch of girls mean-mugging.

Date card read: Love is in the air.

Even though we’re only on week 3, the girls are wasting no time getting pissed off and letting their green show. Jojo looked like she might shove Jubilee in a compost bin. I’d like to remind her this woman survived Boot Camp.

Jubilee is stone cold surprised she got this one-on-one because she was convinced Ben liked the princess type. She worried about coming across as socially awkward as is apparently the norm when she is with someone she cared about. The other girls noticed her awkwardness and moved on from Olivia’s chunky toes to speculating about how nervous Ben must make Jubilee.

Ben arrived to pick her up twenty-minutes late. She called him out, clearly joking, and played it off like she wasn’t excited. The other girls pounce on her apathy like an Olivia kitten on Ben’s cat-nip covered mouth.

“That is, like, so disrespectful,” they scolded.

Ben exchanged his convertible for a helicopter which landed in the driveway. All the girls rushed out to greet it looking like the Munchkins when they first laid eyes on Dorothy.

Jubilee, untrue to her name, was not pleased to see her transport. She admitted to being afraid of heights.

“Anyone else want to go on this date?” she asked, again, clearly joking.

The girls were totally offended on Ben’s behalf. How rude! Caila doesn’t think she appreciated the date and would gladly take over. The speculated about the last time Jubilee must have gone on a date and felt awful for Ben having to sit in that “little box in the sky until it was over.”

Jubilee got over her fear of heights when she spied a mini castle in the distance. They landed at Cal-a-Vie health spa otherwise known as the most beautiful freakin’ place in the world. I would go on a date with Olivia’s big, fat toe to this place.

They kicked things off with some delicacies such as caviar. Olivia took a big bite and immediately said, “Nope. Oh hell no” and spit it back up in a napkin. She said she was adventurous, but not with food. Or heights. Or new social situations. But hot dogs– yes. The girl loves her hot dogs.

After that disclosure, Jubilee promised to “throw all her different sides at Ben,” and hoped he could handle it.

Ben was intrigued. Jubilee made him blush. She called him a white boy. She told him he needed to loosen up. When he laughed, she was convinced he might be the first person who “got her.” 

Jubilee’s had some bad shit go down in her past. She, like Ben, also feared she’s unlovable but unlike Ben who grew up with a nice, loving family, Jubilee’s entire family is dead.

Ben admitted he likes the person she is and can see himself falling in love her. Cut to a close up of her uneaten steak, which I’m sure is symbolism but I’m not sure for what.

When the girls woke up in the morning, they were shocked– shocked I tell you– to find Jubilee asleep in her bed.

The Rose Ceremony was chockful of tension and that was before Ben announced two people he really cared about just died in a plane crash. Yikes. As the girls responded with the appropriate level of sadness and thoughts on how they could best use this news to their advantage, Olivia jumped up and asked permission to grab him away. “I’ll lead the way!”

Expecting comfort, or at a minimum, “Gee, I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Do you want to talk about it?” Olivia immediately launched in with how much she hated her cankles.

“Sorry,” she said. “I try to be strong, but I just hate my body from the waist down.”

The struggle is real, people.

The other girls looked sad and proved it by talking about how they want to comfort Ben. Whenever Jubilee is within eight inches, the gaggle scattered, all of them fleeing for their lipglosses.

F it, Jubilee thought. She pulls Ben aside to a nice tented, candle-filled corner and gave him a massage. Ben was all about this action and was all like, “Finally! Jeez!”

But this didn’t sit right with the other girls. Everyone knows the code. If you have a rose, you sit the heck down and let a rose-less girl spend time with The Bachelor. The sight of Jubilee rubbing on Ben made them lose their shit. Like the kind of lost shit that made one audition for a reality TV show to find true love. Becca the Virgin was horrified.

“She’s rubbing his body!”

Umm, yeah, Becca, dear, that’s called massage.

Jami took the girls’ bait and went to break it up. Ben was delighted to see her so he could blather on about how awesome Jubilee’s massage was.

“It was incredible,” he said. “It’s my most favorite thing ever.”

Amber decided Jubilee needed to “talk to the other girls” about what she had done.

“Oh hell, no,” Jubilee said. “I’m not going to girl chat!”

But the Salem Witches would not let it go. They were determined to round up Jubilee and make her pay for her rubby-rubby sins. Eventually she caved (again, she survived Boot Camp but can’t handle these bitches?) and Ben found her rocking back and forth, sobbing on the edge of the bath tub.

While he was off comforting Jubilee, Lace talked herself into the fact that she wouldn’t be getting a rose because she hadn’t had any face time with Ben. Yeah, Lace, that’s why. 

“It’s all such a joke,” she said, not laughing. Not laughing at all.

But Amber wouldn’t let it go and joined Ben and Jubilee on the edge of the bathtub. She was very pissed off and firmly believed Jubilee must know how TELLING A JOKE hurt the other girls .

Ben asked to share his thoughts which took the girls by surprise. They looked at him like, You still here? You have thoughts?

He said he liked that Jubilee doesn’t walk on eggshells and told her not to doubt their great date yesterday.

Ben thinks emotions are getting to them and declared, “The drama is over!”

Oh, Ben…

Just as he was about to sit down, Lace came over and asked for a word.

Yes! I knew she wouldn’t let me down!

Caila looked on and concluded Lace appeared to have reached the end of her “dynamite stick.”

Oh, shove it Caila. At least she has a dynamite stick.

Lace once again was mad at herself and the way she acted since arriving at Bachelor Headquarters. She said she needed to do a lot of work to do on herself and thought it would be easier to do that at home. She doesn’t truly love herself and realized she can’t love anyone else until she does.

She’s leaving?! Maybe Ben was right. No more drama.

Ben couldn’t hide how excited he was to be rid of her. He was like, “Thanks for coming! Can I call you a limo?”

Ah, crap. I kind of feel bad for her. Maybe I’m getting too old for this.

In the end, the roses went to:

Lauren H.

Amanda

Becca

Haley

Emily

Rachel

Caila

Jojo

Jennifer

Leah

Olivia

Shushanna for some reason was shocked she didn’t a rose. I was shocked she actually spoke English.

Jami had no idea what happened. She was blindsided.

“That’s why I’m always single!” she said.  “I don’t know what to do when it comes to liking a boy.”

Oh that’s your problem, Jami! You’re seven years old!

Jami didn’t leave without imparting some great advice: “Don’t ever expect anything from humans.”

Okay, Jami. Buh bye, now. Say hi to your cat for us.

For the first time Olivia didn’t go into a Rose Ceremony with immunity and she didn’t like it. But that little, secret squeeze Ben gave her waist was the reassurance she needed. You see, they are really compatible. The fake scientist from the last episode proved it. They have an unspoken connection. This is why they no longer need words and roses to communicate. You wouldn’t understand.

“Tonight was awkward,” she said. “But I’m going to marry Ben Higgins.”

And if that weren’t crazy enough she tossed in the ol’, “I know when I’m with him I’m with my future husband.”

Because of course.

All I have to say is, Olivia, now that Lace is gone, you better bring it. And by “it” I mean mints because about that breath…

Don’t forget to read Mother Rose Best at In the Powder Room every Tuesday morning!

 

The Bachelor, Ep 2 Recap

Now that you’ve had days to read all those other recaps of The Bachelor, time to read mine. But first, you did read the latest Mother Rose Best over at In the Powder Room, right? DO NOT READ ANOTHER WORD UNTIL YOU DO THAT! It’s cool. I can wait.

All good? Terrific. Let’s get started.

Episode 2 of The Bachelor leaves me with the question: How are these women passing the background check portion of the vetting process? Surely at least a couple of them have restraining orders against them. If not, they will in about three weeks after our timid puppy, Ben, refuses to come out of his kennel until that big mean bulldog, Lace, is exterminated.

But Lace isn’t the only delusional alpha female (shocker!), which became abundantly clear early in this episode. She’s got some serious competition in the Thunderdome– Olivia. I’m pretty sure if the girls had their choice of who to evict, they’d chose the HDTV-friendly, over-announciating, news caster with the enormous jaw span. It’s pretty obvious Lace isn’t in the running for Ben’s affection. She’s pure entertainment gifted to viewers from very giving, if not demented, producers. But Olivia has managed to snag about 82 roses so far– including the much coveted first impression rose. So yeah, everyone hates her.

The show opened with Ben’s crotch wrapped in some seriously questionable underwear. His awkwardness oozed like Juan Pablo’s genital warts. (Did I just write that? Oh jeez, I’m sorry.) Then we cut to the ladies lounging in leisure-wear, drinking, not eating, and talking about how great Ben is.

“He checks everything off the list!”

“I want him to be my husband!”

“He’s the best bachelor ever!”

Olivia proceeded to offer up some dating advice, because, you know, she’s super generous like that.

“Get him with the eyes,” she said, meaning “Open up your giant maw and swallow him.”

Get in here, you little Bachelor boy, you!

Lace makes the first of many teetering, on the brink of tears confessions about her potentially not great first impression.

You think, Lacey? Yelling at a guy who gave you a rose but didn’t make enough eye contact with you wasn’t a good game plan? Weird. She admitted to getting a bit “too drunk” and “too emotional” which is, you know, kind of what happens when you’re “too drunk” and “too emotional” mixed with “too unstable to be on a reality TV show with 27 other other girls fighting for the same dude.” But whatevs. She eagerly awaited her second chance to make a first impression and by make “a first impression” she meant “some dirty moves on young, ernest Ben.”

First date envelope arrived and the girls tore it into like the laxatives stashed under their mattresses. As names got called, the girls cheer.

Date card read: “Let’s Learn About Love.” Unlike me, none of those yahoos can figure out what this means because unlike me, they didn’t read the “About this Episode” blurb.

The girls drink champagne while the limo drives them to “Bachelor High.” Oooooh! Back to school with Ben, who clearly thinks he hit his peak somewhere between tenth grade biology and junior prom. As they waited to hear what was in store, seven out ten girls re-lost their virginity and threw up behind the bleachers.

Jojo claimed she never felt this turned on in high school. Okay, then.

Chris Harrison came out dressed like a professor and explained that the winner of this competition would become Ben’s Homecoming Queen. Much squealing ensued. The girls paired up and competed in challenges (and I use that term loosely) such as locating Indiana on a map, bobbing for apples, shooting a basket from the free throw line, and  “Make Ben’s volcano erupt” by combining ingredients needed for a healthy relationship like “Trust,” “Communication,” and “Regular STD check-ups.”

The last two girls standing included the crazy dentist and Amber who were forced to literally jump hurdles in order to be queen. Hell hath no speed like a dentist determined to give a man a root canal with her tongue. Turns out she’s pretty quick when not wearing a giant rose on her head. Amber became super emotional about being the runner up.

Dentist dons a tiara and Ben’s actual letterman jacket and they drive around the track in a convertible. Jennifer thought the whole thing was super romantic. Lace wished it was her, but allowed her envy to propel her determination to “do something about it.” Bitch is gonna get a rose if it’s the last thing Ben does.

The group date reconvened on a rooftop where more drinking and probable meltdowns ensued. Again Lace imparted how very important it was to GET A ROSE. She really did not want Ben to think she was SOME CRAZY GIRL. Why would he, Lace? Certainly not because you are SOME CRAZY GIRL.

Ben stole Becca the Virgin away first. They shot hoops and talked about how excited they were to be together in the most boring way possible. Ben lamented about the difficulties throwing a basketball while wearing a tailored shirt and Becca encouraged him to take it off. WHAT? Holy cats, girl, rein it in! That’s like going to third base for her!

Next up was Jennifer who was reassured in her belief that her and Ben make a great couple. Ben sealed it with a kiss. That’s right– a kiss! WHAT again? I thought you weren’t all about making out, Ben, you little manslut!

Jennifer ran back to the group and immediately told them about her chaste kiss. The girls realized shit just got real. Lace? Well, she burst into flames. Kiss or no kiss, SHE IS GETTING THAT DATE ROSE TONIGHT!

Back at the mansion, the rest of the girls sat around not eating, holding cocktails, and talking about what a great catch Ben was, while waiting for the next date card that would reveal who gets the first one-on-one. Olivia was sure it would be her because she got the first impression rose but alas, it went to Caila. Olivia and her gaping maw were so confused.

Back to the rooftop group date. Lace continued to get super frustrated over her lack of one-on-one time with Ben. Who invited these other nine girls anyway? She pounded a drink and yanked him aside to explain the Lace he got on that first night is not the “real Lace.”

She slurred and apologized for coming across that way and made sure to not let Ben interject with forgiveness. She held his hand. Gripped it really, and I’m sure I saw Ben wince. Safely encased in her alcohol shrouded cocoon, Lace left this one-sided conversation believing they were on the same page. Before she could get that hotly anticipated and dogged kiss, there came Jubilee and her biceps to ruin everything.

“I WILL GET MORE TIME WITH BEN TONIGHT,” Lace promised. “THIS IS NOT FINISHED!”

Jubilee commended Ben’s altruistic nature and divulged her past, living in an orphanage in Haiti until she was adopted at age six.

“It’s so nice to have someone to fully trust and pour out their soul to, you know?” (I can’t remember which deluded soul said this but does it really matter?)

To show of his appreciation for for her ability to overcome, Ben planted a chaste kiss on her too. Who’s running this show, Ben? Your Faith?

When Jubilee returned with the stench of Ben’s lips all over her face, Lace was fuming. Was that a test of the Emergency Broadcast System or Lace letting Jubilee know what’s what? It’s the latter of course! Sadly we’ll never know what what was because all we heard was one long consecutive beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Lace continued complaining about not having any time with Ben until the girls finally snapped and told her to zip it. Not one to take orders, Lace went back to the Ben well. 

“I JUST NEED ONE MORE MINUTE!”

If Lace were a sensible lady she would have taken a cue from Ben’s body language. Leaning way back, awkward hug, eyes darting to nearest usable exit. But if she were a sensible lady we wouldn’t be recapping her mad adventures on The Bachelor, now would we? When Ben gave her enough eye contact to appease, Lace returned to the gaggle of women and the icy silence. Awkward!

Jojo was just about to write the whole thing off when Ben swooped in and took her to his “special place.” I’d be worried about sticky floors and foul odors if we were talking about any other Bachelor’s “special place” but we all know Ben’s high school locker is about as special as things get. His second most special place is a helicopter pad on the roof. The two exchanged a chorus of “This is unbelievable” and “I really want to get to know you” while tentatively hugging. Ben told Jojo he loved her boobs bubbly personality and really wanted to see more of them it. Jojo was surprised by the feelings she already developed. I’m surprised by whatever the hell happened off camera to make these two so goo goo gaga over each other.

Then it was time to hand out the coveted Date Rose. Lace was sure she was a shoe-in. I mean, how could she not be after 16 painful conversations about her not craziness? But Lace didn’t see what we saw on the helicopter pad so she was completely aghast when the rose went to Jojo. Lace stares at Ben like, “By “Jojo” you mean “Lace,” right? RIGHT?”

Next it was time for Ben and Caila’s one-on-one date. I can’t spend too much time on this because it was so freakin’ boring. Is this The Bachelor or The Duggers go to Prom? Come on, you nerds! And why is table they are dining at is so darn small?

Here’s the basics:

  • Not even Ice Cube or Kevin Hart (who were there to schlep their new movie) could make this date somewhat entertaining.
  • Caila is just as hokey and wholesome as Ben. She refers to “hell” as “You know where.”
  • These two snoozers are perfect for each other.

Moving on.

Amanda used her baby voice to call her kids. She realized Ben had no idea she is a mom and really, really want to talk to him.

Another envelope, another group date! The card read, “Are we a perfect match?”

The girls are taken to Love Lab and greeted by a Segway with an iPad for a head. He led them to Ben and about 94 people in white coats and clipboards which of course means they’re very serious scientists or maybe Clinique make-up artists

The twins are scared of this date. They don’t know much about science and don’t test well. Wait, is it a pregnancy test? Because never mind!

Love Lab apparently uses science to determine if prospective mates are actually good matches. Umm, if this was a real thing why doesn’t The Bachelor just use this instead of an eHarmony knock off questionnaire? Oh right. Because then we wouldn’t have Lace!

By far the weirdest part of the episode was when a blindfolded Ben was asked to sniff fresh-from-the-treadmill girls to see if their odors were appealing. He buried his face down deep in the glands right above the “reproductive organs” and took a giant whiff. Someone smelled “beachy!” Someone smelled like a “giant raspberry.” But Sam? Well, she smelled “sour.” Olivia loved this. Thought it was the funniest thing she ever heard.

“Like Chinese food!” she chortled.

Olivia is incredibly confident in her “relationship” with Ben. So confident that she pretty much doubled down and purchased stock in the Love Lab technology. She tried to make out with Ben during the “wear your underwear, get close, but don’t kiss” portion of the test.

“Why are you making me wait?” she asked in her nasally newscaster drawl. Was she trying to be sexy?

“Because people are watching,” Ben answered which everyone knows meant, “Because, ew!”

Not surprising Sam got the lowest score– a 2.4 out of 10. She was devastated and clearly forgot she JUST PASSED THE BAR EXAM! Buck up, Sour Patch! You’re almost a lawyer!

Olivia was embarrassed for her. Naturally she got the highest score.

Ben and the girls returned home for a casual evening where Olivia immediately pulled Ben aside, said she wasn’t surprised by her high score because she “feels compatibility” and also science. They kissed with tongue and Olivia declared it to be magical. She felt a heat in her “stomach area.” Right around where Ben was sniffing around.

More highlights:

  • A twin got nervous because she thought Ben liked outgoing women and not heavily made-up Girls Next Door types.
  • The Russian girl ate something.
  • Olivia wouldn’t divulge details of her alone time with Ben and gave the other girls “bad vibes.”
  • Sam got a second chance at the smell test. This time she smelled like passion fruit.
  • Lots of Spanx were revealed.
  • Olivia once again declared her faith in science and said she’d be “a little nervous” if basically you weren’t her.
  • Amanda finally told Ben about her daughters. Ben thought it was “amazing.” She “made more sense” now. He tells her to say “hi” to the kids for him.

The GD Date Rose went to Olivia who, so full of smugness and slapability, marveled at the fact she has no idea what a rose ceremony is.

Insecurities, stalking, and passive aggressiveness abounded at the cocktail party! Olivia and her rose lurked behind potted plants waiting for the right moment to “borrow Ben.”

“You can’t rest on your laurels,” she advised. Especially when you want to take Ben to your “secret spot and kiss him until his lips fall off.”

And just to ensure her crazy cake was iced with some Fatal Attraction, she referred to herself as “Wifey.” So, Lace. How you doing?

There can only be one Alpha dog so Lace asks for a little QT with Mrs. Olivia Higgins intending to tell her what’s what.

I’m kind of paraphrasing here but it went down like this:

LACE: “You like totally have a rose and went and talked to him again and I hardly have had any time with him so that’s like…rude.”

OLIVIA: Is there more gin? I need more gin.

Unable to convince Olivia to quit this bitch and get back to the Florida news anchoring, Lace decide to get with Ben one more time and make sure he knew she wasn’t some crazy girl.

This. More of this RIGHT NOW.

“I have a very bold personality,” she explained.

Ben took a swig of his drink. “That so?” he said. (Or something to that effect. I was reading body language.)

Someone in a yellow dress interrupted them and Lace immediately ran to the confessional to berate herself for letting THAT Lace out. The INSECURE Lace! The LACE SHE PROMISED HERSELF WOULDN’T COME OUT, CAME OUT!

Another pocket of girls whined about how little time they’ve had to spend with Ben but still somehow know what a great guy he is. Must have read Olivia’s diary.

Ben continued making the rounds. Lauren B got a commemorative photo of the first time they talked.

She responded by telling him she’d be okay if she left. “I learned a lot about myself and made some new friends.”

Cuz, you know, that’s what it’s all about.

Ben and Amanda made barrettes. Yes. Made barrettes. No, that is not a euphemism. They’re for her daughters because as Ben said, “They’re involved too now.”

So much truth, Ben. Their therapist is saying the same thing.

The girls lined up like a middle school choir and readied themselves for the doling of the roses.

Roses went to:

Amanda (More crafting!)

Jubilee (More biceps!)

Lauren B. (More friends and deep introspection!)

Leah (More tossing the ol’ pigskin around!)

Becca (More sexual frustration!)

Rachel (Who the hell is this girl and where did she come from?)

Lace (More strong-arming from the producers!)

LB (More.. wait, nope. She decided to leave. See ya!)

Jennifer (Seriously who are you?)

Emily (More boring twins!)

Jami (More not really doing much. Let’s step it up, Jami!)

Lauren H (More wondering who the hell this girl is?)

Shushanna (More English subtitles!)

Haley (Even more boring twins!)

Amber (More self-doubt!)

Not surprising the Crazy Dentist, Sour Patch Sam and Jackie were all sent packing.

Seriously excited about the match-up sure to take place next week! Don’t forget to check out Mother Rose Best for your weekly dose of parenting advice mined from the TV wreckage.

Mrs. Olivia Higgins coming in for a landing!