The Bachelorette Recap, Ep 1 (pt.2): Girl on the Side and One in the Bush

Oh man, so far behind so let’s finish up that first episode with a quick recap.

After she meets all her suitors, Hannah makes a quick stop in the bushes to pray. She asks the good lord to give her “words” and make her sound smart. Watching her in an honest vulnerable moment like that was bit heartbreaking and scummy even for these producers. It’s also an exercise in futility as everyone knows God hangs out in showers, not bushes.

She finds enough words to give a speech telling the guys she ain’t perfect and she doesn’t want perfect and if they’re after perfect they best make like a woman in Alabama who values her human rights and leave.

Luke P. doesn’t give a shit what nonsense Hannah is spewing and is totally here for the right reasons– TO WIN. He immediately whisked the bachelorette away much to the shock and dismay of those other dudes. Wait. Did he seriously just leave with her? Like to go be alone? Has he no consideration for the 28 guys she’s dating? Rude, man! You call yourself a Christian?

Luke wasted no time letting Hannah know he’s hot on her tail– I mean trail. He told her she was the most beautiful girl he ever saw. Hannah was impressed!

Hannah: Tell me more about yourself. Like exactly how many girls have you seen in your life?

Luke: I’m an uncle. It’s so amazing! But I’m like totally behind. I’m 24 and don’t have a girlfriend or a wife or nothing!

Hannah: Did you know people have babies in their thirties???

Luke: They are gross and desperate. I’m ready now.

Hannah: Same!

Luke: And I thought this is the LAST place I’d find a girlfriend!

Hannah: Same!

Luke: And I know I don’t know you all that well, but I’m already falling for you so you best make like a smushed tomato and catch-up, girl!

Hannah: Same!

HANNAH! Luke is a shister! I mean, look at that beady-eyed little born-again! No f’ing way does he love you! He just met you! And if he honestly thinks he does then that’s a bigger problem. Like he’s mental! Also I know your being sequestered that weird little love world right now and probably don’t have access to NPR but you need to know your beloved, home state of which you represented in the Miss America pageant just criminalized abortion and I’m having a really hard time watching your season because your probably going to end up with a guy who voted for Trump and not really care as long as he has a smattering of facial hair and tattooed pecs. Hannah, in case you are wondering, none of this is good.

But I digress.

She spend the rest of her evening hanging out with some of the other guys, talked about her struggle to be perfect, had a fake bachelorette party thrown by a guy who’s never seen a bachelorette party, not even in a movie, and gratuitously made out with a handful of men. Mike is a standout guy so far. He seems genuine, has a nice, smile and totally the guy you want to sit next to at a dinner party when you don’t know anyone there. But he doesn’t have a chance.

Mike for Bachelor!

Because she met Cam on the After the Final Rose episode, he claimed it was techinically their second date and therefore totally okay to make out. Hannah agreed, excited for the world to see close ups of her sucking face. Cam looks like a terrible kisser. Sorry, Cam but you look like a terrible kisser. Stick to rapping. Nope, not that either. Go find Luke P. and ask for a pamphlet.

Close-Up Kissing Cam! EWWWWW

Hannah gave the first impression rose to Luke P. because she is a needy pageant queen who desperately needs affirmations. Also she’s 24. I already hate this season.

Umm, you’re so March 2019, girls.

Oh right, these two bitches.

I didn’t bring up Katie and Demi from Colton’s season because:

  1. I don’t want to
  2. I don’t like them.
  3. I thought their appearance at the beginning of this episode was a dumb little schtick that would never rear its heavily pancake make-uped face again.
  4. I want them to go away.

They did not. Instead they rolled up in a white surveillance van and parked it on the Bachelor Mansion driveway, which is totally normal, necessary, and not a dumb way to build fake suspense and contrived drama AT ALL. Apparently Demi got some intel claiming one of Hannah’s potential husbands isn’t HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. This guy ALLEGEDLY has a girlfriend back home. He was ALLEGEDLY planning a vacation with her sometime between inevitably getting dumped by Hannah and securing 50,000 IG followers. Hannah’s besties lie in wait in the back of their pedophile van, watching closed circuit televisions to figure out which guy is the bad actor.

Jed and his awkward facial hair sand to Hannah so clearly it couldn’t be him.

Pilot-in-uniform-guy seems nice, so nope. Can’t be that guy.

Scott says Hannah took his breath away when he first saw her.

What’s that you say, Lassie? That’s the big, two-timing meanie? Nailed it!

Here is Demi concentrating really hard on solving this mystery:

OMG, stay calm, Demi. You’re in the back of a van. Clearly you’ve been kidnapped again.

Here is Demi at the exact moment she figured it out!

Took your breath away, you say? And yet…you’re still breathing… I’m solvin’ a mystery!

Girls asked Chris to fetch Hannah STAT and bring her to the van.

Hannah was ON FIRE! She stomps back to the mansion and dragged Scott off for a “probably not so good chat.”

The other guys are baffled and turned on by Hannah’s assertiveness. God granted her words alright!

Out of earshot but in full view of the house, Hannah rips into Scott.

Hannah: Ha! I know why you were all nervous about being here! YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!

Scott: No, I don’t.

Hannah: Yeah, you do. Demi read your texts. She’s outside in a van right now!

Scott: Nope, not admitting that.

Hannah: Did you talk to this girlfriend on Monday?

Scott: (Clears throat.) Well, yeah, but I’ve been like super honest up until right now.

Hannah: So you kept a girlfriend back home just to be safe?

Scott: Okay, I can see why you would think that.

Hannah: This is not okay. The other guys went through the effort to break up with their girlfriends before they got here.

Scott: Okay fine, you want me to be honest? I was dating a girl up until Monday, maybe Tuesday. Maybe we’re still dating. I really don’t know.

Hannah: That is not fair. I have no idea why anyone would come on a reality TV show to find love without the purest of intentions.

Scott: Fine, if you want me to leave, I will, but you were just dating Colton so it’s the same thing.

Hannah: No it isn’t.

Scott: Yeah, it kind of is.

Hannah: Man, I wish I could just send your ass home.

Scott: Well, you can, dummy. It’s your show.

Hannah: Oh, yeah! Please go home.

Scott: Sorry you feel that way. I’d probably be sad if I didn’t have a girlfriend to go home to.

Uh, Scott, you’re not good looking enough to be that sleazy.

Reeling from confrontation, Hannah told the other guys Scott had a girlfriend and that’s kind of frowned upon on this show so he’s gone now. Hannah left to pray in the bushes again. The guys have hard time seeing her so upset. Especially Luke goddamn P. Before the other guys can say, “Jesus hand me some detangler,” he’s off making sure Hannah was okay. She wasn’t. She was freezing. Luke was sorry to hear that, but found it hard to be empathetic to her plight because he was nice and snuggled into an ill-fitted, shitty blue sport coat. What’s that ol’ proverb? Teach a woman to ask a producer to find her a shawl, and she’ll be warm for a night. But make her shiver in her sequins and she’ll totally give you the first impression rose? What the hell, Hannah? Where were your dumb Mystery Incorporated van hoe’s now?

Much mashing of the faces ensues.

And on the first day, the lord whispered, “I will engulf your face with one kiss.And then I will impregnate you.”

Afterwards Luke was sweating balls. Maybe it was the hot makeout sesh or maybe it was his nice warm jacket. Either way it’s gonna be an awkward shower with God tomorrow. He’s even more convinced that Hannah WILL BE WON.

Oh! It’s Chris Harrison ting-tinging a spoon against a champagne glass signifying the party was over. Time for the rose ceremony.

As she doles out the flowers, the producers cut to JOHN PAUL JONES who got increasingly more frantic. Look, bitches, he didn’t forgo a promotion to spend just a few hours here. And goddammit, he was running out of coke! Oh JPJ, have you never seen this show? She hates your guts, but you’re creepy and bat shit crazy so producers love you. You’re golden until at least week 5.

I mean, why wouldn’t you give this guy a rose? Other than he looks like a bastard Trump child.

Of course JPJ got the final rose and accepted it WITH GRATITUDE! Can’t say the same thing for that promotion HE GAVE UP TO BE HERE, HANNAH! Now hand him so nose candy!

Old Matt Donald, the Box King, and a bunch of guys I don’t remember seeing were all sent packing.

Old Matt Donald is going to need time to recover from this.

Sigh…back to swiping

And that guy? Well, he’s super happy for Hannah and hopes she finds love, but he’s really sad for himself. He cries.

Now on to a much shorter episode 2 recap which involves DRAG QUEENS! YESSSSSS!

The Bachelorette Recap, Part 1: Say Roll Freakin’ Tide One More Time…

You guys, its Bachelorette season. Nope, not talking about drunk packs of girls wearing sashes and wobbly heels (although they’re in season too), it’s The Bachelorette season, as in my second guiltiest pleasure.

Hanna Brown, a cast-off from Colton McBoringvirginpants’ season, is our new bachelorette. She’s a former Miss Alabama who occasionally enters into Beast Mode and can’t string a single sentence together unless the words Roll goddamn Tide are in it. We get it, Hannah. You’re a fan. Now stop.

Honestly, I can take or leave Hannah. I find it odd that a woman who has trained her whole life to be a pageant queen basically imploded when Colten asked her to make a toast. I mean, my job media trained me so I could coherently talk about demons rising from the abyss. You’d think she must have bankrolled someone to teach her how to articulate her feelings on why bullies and climate change are bad, right?

I haven’t finished the episode yet, but I will offer a hypothesis on how this season goes:

Hannah will meet 25-30 super bros. They’ll be mostly young (24 -ish), most will be named Connor or Luke (Connor = Lauren, Luke = Heather), there will be athletes with baby fever, shy nerds with thick wallets, down-home, good ol’ southern boys who like red Solo cups and wearing Greek letters on their hoodies. And Hannah will love them all. Man, I hope they have a good editor.

So who are the newest crop of brewhams angling for a chance to be the next Bachelor. Let’s take a look.

First, we have extended intros for a smattering of Hannah’s suitors. There’s Tyler NOT YOUR AVERAGE CONTRACTOR from Jupiter, Fl. Incidentally that’s where my parents have a condo and I recognized every location featured in his montage. Well, all but the dusty workspace where he’s gotta cut loose and kick off his Sunday shoes. Oh yes, he’s not average because he’s a dancer! A dancing contractor! SPOILER: my dad sent me a clip from the Jupiter newspaper saying Tyler was spotted at our favorite tiki bar with Miss Hannah herself which can only mean they were there on a hometown date which can only mean he makes it to the top 4. I’m like 113 degrees away from The Bachelor franchise! And Kevin Bacon!

Then there was guy who tries to prove how charming and laid back and nice to animals he is by letting his dog make-out with him and pretending to like it. Also he’s in love with his great grandmother (but in a really charming, laid back, nice to animals sort of way. She was truly adorable.)

We saw a couple guys borrowing, and subsequently awkwardly holding, newborns while the new moms were in the background like, “HOLD THE HEAD UP, YOU DUMB ASS BONG!” Because, baby fever.

And then there’s Luke P. He’s one to watch! He used to be a high school slut until God visited him in the SHOWER and was all like, “Duuuuude! That’s not the guy you want to be!” and Luke P. was all like, “God! I’m in the shower, man! Can this wait? Also, yah it is!” But Luke P. believed God and now spends all his time reading the Bible and studying up on how to be a good husband.

And OMG, John Paul Jones. What in the actual brokaki is happening here? I’m shocked it has taken producers this long to unearth this crotch turd. Is he an actor? Because HE IS NOT A REAL PERSON. He’s an animated caricature of romcom high school villain. He’s someone the Teen Titans would fight. You look at him and immediately stuff yourself in a locker. Also, he goes by JOHN PAUL JONES. Not John Paul, or JP, or John. You must say ALL THREE NAMES. SAY IT!

Even God wouldn’t visit JOHNPAULJONES.

We also saw some wimpy dude who’s voice kept cracking.

And God in a Shower Stall help us all: We got Joe the Grocer, Part II. It’s Joe the BOX KING from Chicago. I ask you, Bachelor producers–is this a trope we really need? Joe the BOX KING is fronting the family box empire. He’s got a box for all your needs! Moving? Got it! Box for your junk? Got that too! Junk? Yep, he’s got junk and damn proud of it. On my nerves. Make like a budget international package and ship off , Joe.

Okay, let’s get to the limo exits! One of my favorite parts of the first episode is sizing up how Chris Harrison treats the star. You can pretty much tell if he likes them, tolerates them, or is plain old dreading this season. I think he’s already tired of Miss Alabama, her fear of words, and love of sequins. There will be sequins. So many sequins.

Chris is decent. Not overly excited, but she’s no Juan Pablo either. He never told her she looked good even though she stepped out of the limo looking like the solar system and was clearly waiting for the compliment. That’s some serious shade, right there. Let the journey begin!

Body language experts* say “The distance between Chris and Hannah prove he did not want Hannah to be the Bachelorette, but he still gets a paycheck no matter who it is. *body language expert = me.
Photo courtesy of E! News.

We meet:

Garrett: Pro golfer, from Alabama. Wants to be her hole in one. Probably a top contender.

Mike: Lives by the 5 C’s. Charisma, confidence? Cheesiness? Cleft chin? No idea. Who freakin’ cares. This guy makes out with dogs.

Jed: From Nashville. Let me guess, Jed, YOU’RE A MUSICIAN?

Tyler C.: NOT YOUR AVERAGE CONTRACTOR. “Hey Hannah, you look hot, come find me later, I have a surprise in store for you.” Gross. I feel dirty! I want a shower but God is in there and taking forever!

Dylan: Cute smile, seems nice. Won’t last long.

Connor S.: Jumped a fence for her. Jesus, how tall is this guy?

Devin: Belongs on a dance floor. Made some dumb joke pretending to be a virgin. M’kay, Devin.

JOHNPAULJONES: “My name is John Paul Jones, my friends call me John Paul Jones, so you can call me John Paul Jones, see ya inside.” Douchebag.

I mean, amirite? Tool.

(I will say that Hannah’s reaction to him instantly endeared her to me. After he walked away she said to herself, “Say JOHNPAULJONES three times fast! Okay, got it!” Good one, Hannah! Too bad saying it doesn’t make Bloody Mary appear and eat his head.)

Brian: Too nervous. Seems like he should be hosting supermarket-themed game shows.

Scott: Also totally nervous. Looking for a life partner. Look for a stiff drink and a half tablet of Benadryl instead, Scott. You’ll be fine.

Matteo: “Uhh, know that feeling when someone is so hot and you just want to make-out with them so bad that you loose your breath? Yeah, I’m like totally experiencing that right now.”

Daron: Tried to go in the wrong door and that is the most interesting thing about this guy.

Tyler G.: Since he found out she was the Bachelorette, she’s been in ALL HIS DREAMS. Hey Tyler? Murder much?

Thomas: Meeting Hannah is almost as good as traveling. Or something like that.

Matthew: Occupation is car bid spotter? What the…?

Box King Joe: Arrived in a giant package. Because of course. All I could think about was who is going to clean up all those damn styrofoam peanuts? YOU CHECK ALL OF MY BOXES!

Return to Sender, Box King.

Joey: Shows up with a carseat and shushes the contents. Surprise! Not a baby! It’s champagne. Let’s get this party started!

Connor J.: Speaks French to a girl who can’t quite grasp English.

Ryan: Rolls in on skates. ROLL TIDE. Ohhh, I get it! Get the f*$k gone, Ryan.

Hunter: Gives her a tie so together they can “tie the knot.” How about…NOT?!

Grant: Okay, first his occupation is listed as Unemployed. Second, he’s eating a hotdog as part of his schtick. Third, he’s talking with his mouth full. Fourth, he’s maybe the worst contestant in Bachelor history. Like ever. If I were Hannah I’d be pissed they gave him a spot instead of say, Steve Bannon or a Tide Pod.

It’s a sausage party! Where? Wherever I go, baby. Relish it now cuz I’m gonna ketchup to you. Probably in a dark alley.

Jonathan: Gave her pizza. Pizza his heart! Heeyyyyyyyy!

Kevin: Dropped a bunch of footballs. “Guess I fumbled that intro!”

Luke P.: Got on limo, roared, called himself Kind of the Jungle. Wants her to be queen. God is not here for that, Luke. Hannah’s the one handing out titles.

Yeast Mode.

Luke S.: Thinks Hannah has a calming presence. In fact, he’s so calm he’s boring.

Dustin: Sneakers and nose ring.

Cam: Got the first rose during the After the Final Rose show because of his white boy rapping skillz. He raps again. Okay, Cam, here’s the deal, the rapping needs to stop. Like now. Also saying things like, “ABC, always be Cam” and “spitting bars like Willy Wonka” should also stop now.

Matt: His name is Matt Donald. Showed up on a tractor. Get it? Ol’ Matt Donald.

Chasen: What the hell is that name, Chasen? He’s a pilot. But he’s not the only pilot. Which displeases him.

Peter: He’s also a pilot but was smart enough to show up in uniform. Damn, Chasen! He was gonna wear his uniform! Hannah loves a guy in uniform. *My pick for first impression rose.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is your 2019 Bachelorette Cast of millennials with just the right amount of facial hair and bony ankle bits poking out of their cropped skinny jeans. And that is also as much as I could stand to watch tonight.

What happens next? How long will it take Hannah to hand out a rose? How many times does someone threaten to throw JOHNPAULJONES in the pool? Who does God visit in the shower next? Stay tuned, we’re getting there!


The Bachelor, Week 5: I Can’t Even

If you’re coming here for your Bachelor recaps, you’re in the wrong place.

I know.

Shocking.

No, it’s me. Really. And I’m fine, promise. I want to watch The Bachelor and recap it in all its sad, desperate, tropey, predictable glory, but come on! I need a little help here! Could this season be more boring? Could Arie be more hateable, arrogant, boring, and whiny? Are any of us surprised? Sigh…not really.

Anyway, this whole season has been boring. I don’t even get around to watching the episodes until days after they air. I now fully believe that Krystal is a paid actor. ABC must have known they were in for a dud of a season so they hired someone with the worst voice ever to create unrealistic drama, steal the villain crown right off of Chelsea’s head, and grate on the nerves of EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO INFINITY.

Just…please…have you considered community theater?

Krystal, I appreciate the effort, I really do, but even I’m not buying it and I am willing to suspend my disbelief for even the New Jersey Housewives.

I watched half of last night’s episode and was seriously not compelled to write a damn thing except, “Wow, I should try bowling sometime” and “Bekkah does a pretty good imitation of Krystal.” Even Krystal’s big, dumb tantrum didn’t move me.

So I leave you with this image because it really sums up how dumb this season is. Also, watching it with captions on is opening a whole new portal into hell. Especially when the captions say things, IN A HIGH PITCHED VOICE or IN A NORMAL VOICE. 

This here is Tia. She’s besties with Raven, the runner-up from Nick’s season. You might remember Raven as the gothy southern girl who almost took  her boyfriend out with her stiletto. So, yeah, they breed ’em real special in Arkansas. Weiner, Arkansas to be exact.

Anyway, this here is moments after she she professed her almost love for Arie. So romantic, right?

“I’ve been waiting for you to push me off something. Anything. Like this balcony would do. Please. A broken pelvis would be more fun than you, Arie.”

I mean, I just can’t.

But I will.

Sigh…

 

The Bachelor: I Can’t Even Come Up with a Title for This Drivel

When I was about 6, I followed my brother into a House of Mirrors at an amusement park. He ditched me about 1.3 seconds later citing some bullshit like, “Oh, I didn’t see you behind me.” Really, dear brother?  You couldn’t see me in a HOUSE OF MIRRORS?

I have a terrible sense of direction. If I tell you, “Oh that really good pizza place we liked is right over there!” it’s not. It’s probably not in the same town. Also, if you try giving me directions and say something stupid like “It’s just north of the freeway” I’m going to punch you in the neck. North is  up, jackass. Give me some good old-fashioned rights and lefts, okay?

So imagine young Shelly (who often gets lost on an airplane trying to find her seat after a visit to the lavatory) alone in a carnival torture house designed to confuse young children and separate them from their families. Now imagine having to see your horrified little face reflected back 1000x into infinity.

I had an awkward phase, okay?

But I’m no dummy. Continued movement would have been futile. It didn’t have 2,945 back issues of Tiger Beat or a Mickey Mouse telephone, but that house of mirrors was my new home. So I plopped down right there and accepted my fate. God, I missed Pepsi and elephant ears.

Four days minutes later, the teenaged ticket-taker told me to get up and walked me seven feet to the exit.

Admittedly, I probably don’t look in a mirror as often as I should, which results in showing up to places with toothpaste dribbled down the front of my shirt or mascara only on one eye. Shit happens. But I’m pretty sure that’s because I’m too lazy to look straight ahead and not permanently scarred from a childhood carnival experience.

Poor Annaliese (“Which one is that?” you ask. “THE BLONDE ONE!” I tell you.) clearly doesn’t have the fortitude to move on from hers.*

Arie, as you know, is our Bachelor (yawn) who happens to be a race car driver (yeah, yeah, Arie, we are soooooooooooooo impressed) and isn’t this guy:

STILL NOT OVER IT. 

He enjoys showing off his race car driver moves any chance he gets. (Yawn again.) Have you ever wondered how the show comes up with all those clever group dates? Of course you have. Here’s what happens: The producers look over the questionnaires filled out by contestants and look for responses to the WHAT ARE YOU MOST TRAUMATIZED BY? (FEEL FREE TO USE AN ADDITIONAL SHEET OF PAPER) question.

Woe is Annaliese, because this group date had the girls participating in a demolition derby which unearthed her very painful past. You see, when Annaliese was a child some asshat (probably a loving adult!) took her to a carnival (PROBABLY TO HAVE FUN!) and let her ride the bumper cars. GET THIS– OTHER CARS HIT HER CAR! What the what? Who does that??? Watching all those derby cars get all creamed and stuff was just too much for Annaliese to bear. So she had to stand on the sidelines, shaking and sobbing and accepting fake, mannequin-armed hugs from the other girls while her sweaty tears plowed through all that expensive BB cream. And if THAT scene weren’t dramatic enough, the producers reached deep into their bag of “cheap ploys to make it clear we are totally giving up this season” satchel to give us a very special reenactment.

“We’ve got nothing left this season, kids! Unless someone is afraid of bees or thunder? Can I get some gluten intolerance up in here? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE RECREATE A BAD ALLERGIC REACTION?

You guys, that is not just a reenactment, but it came with creepy carnival music!

You guys, that is not just a reenactment, THAT IS A SEPIA-TONED REENACTMENT.

It’s like our blurry, pixelated faces were there too!

I AM FEELING HER PAIN! It is DEEP IN MY GUT! Oh no wait, that is just laughter.

Arie tried to be empathetic, telling her she could sit this one out if she really needed to, but if she did decide to participate he’d totally protect her. Maybe later he’d even rub his dumb pillow lips all over her sad, wet face.

“So wait, you’re afraid of bumper cars. Did I ever tell you I’m a race car driver? Like a real one? Cuz I am! Also my lips are like two, big airbags. You’re totally safe with me…uh…Lauren?”

And now I’m traumatized because I can’t tell if The Bachelor was seriously trying to get us past the dyed roots and into this woman’s head or if they’re all saying, “F.U. Arie! Your season blows! Let’s just trash the place and burn it down!”

Please God let it be the latter! (EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s totally the latter. I’ve seen the latest episode.)

But, wait.

Are they making fun of themselves? 

You’re better than this, Bachelor! And by “better” I mean, worse! So much worse! Don’t let me down!

Even the other girls thought this whole trauma thing was ridiculous. I mean being afraid of swimming pigs, sobriety, or yeast infections is totes normal but bumper cars? Come on, girl!  Jenna thought she could knock some sense into Annaliese by repeatedly ramming into her when Ol’ Pillow Lips wasn’t looking, which kind of worked. Annaliese seemed rather aggressive for someone who couldn’t handle a little light jostling in a heavily padded carnival toy car, but whatevs. I’m no shrink.

What else happened? Let’s see:

Krystal–my god– is cray cray and super annoying. For someone who claims to make a living  making others, “feel their best feels”, she sure likes making other woman feel angry. It’s pretty much guaranteed that whatever words spoken in her drunk, husky baby voice are going to suck. Even though she already had a rose, she stole Arie away TWICE during the cocktail party. One of those times was right out of Bibiana’s vice grip, seconds before she would have choked Arie out. Dammit, Krystal!

No, bitch, you need to check yourself before I rip those wicked biceps right off your stupidly toned body!

Bibiana cracked, threatened to leave, gave up, sat back down, yelled at Krystal, got up to leave, didn’t talk to Arie, finally talked to Arie, took a Valium, drank a bunch of vodka, bit the head off a bat, drank more vodka, and calmly accepted rose #18 out of 18 from Arie.

Angry Anonymous Blonde #4, #12, and #16 were sent home. Angry Anonymous Blonde #4 didn’t even bother saying goodbye to Arie, which made Arie sad. No one gets out of here without a stiff hug and an extra heaping of televised humiliation.

“Hey, sorry about dumping you. I honestly can’t tell all these blonde girls named Lauren apart and it’s hurting my head.”

“I’m not sad about you dumping me. I’m sad that I have to leave all this free alcohol behind.”

I hear that, Angry Anonymous Blonde #4. Surely the girls are pouring one out in your name.

*You can’t make this shit up. It can and will get worse, I promise.

 

All Good Things

…must come to an end.

Sigh…

I’m going to miss writing these Bachelor recaps.

But, but, I love them both! Can't I have two rings, Mr. Lane?
But, but, I love them both! Can’t I have two rings, Mr. Lane?

You’ve got to check out the final installment of Mother Rose Best, Fools of Engagement, if for no other reason than to see the awesome Chris Harrison GIF the editors unearthed. It’s pretty fabulous.

Many thanks to the ladies of In the Powder Room for allowing me to crash the stalls once a week. What pure joy they are to work with.

Cheers to another match made in Reality TV heaven, where the booze flows and annulments are doled out like shots of penicillin. I’m sure it took me longer to write this post than for Bachelor Ben to realize he should have picked Bachelorette #2. Oh well. There’s always next season.

How many seasons is too many season? Asking for a friend.
How many seasons is too many season? Asking for a friend.

 

Mother Rose Best, Week 9

Remember this girl?

Sit and spin, bitches!
Sit and spin, bitches!

Spoiler alert! She’s still in the running to be America’s Next– oops! Wrong show. But yeah, she’s still in the running to be Bachelor Ben Higgins’ ex-fiance. Which is great because she’s helping today’s children become better citizens of tomorrow. How, you ask? Clearly you have not been reading Mother Rose Best. You best giddy-on-up over to In the Powder Room and check out the latest, Jamaican of a Marriage, right now. Why? Because I’m the mother, that’s why! And clean your room while you’re at it.

 

New Mother Rose Best

Burning questions, people!

  • Did Ben the Bachelor moved beyond tight-lip, closed-mouth kissing?
  • Did the token virgin give it up in Ben’s childhood bedroom?
  • Did a future NFL cheerleader’s understudy’s intern make Ben’s mother cry?

And more importantly, why is this blonde woman choking out another blonde woman?

He's my fake husband, Blondie! MINE!
He’s my fake husband, Blondie! MINE!

Find out the answers to these questions and more in the latest Mother Rose Best!

¿Dónde Está My Weave?

Have I told you lately how much I love writing this Mother Rose Best column for In the Powder Room? Even more so, I love having a “reason” to watch The Bachelor. It’s not because I want to and would totally be watching it anyway. It’s because I have to. I’m writing a column about it. Ahem…

The latest installment  ¿Dónde Está My Weave?, is just itching like a bad rash for you read and share.

Enjoy! And umm, maybe get some ointment for that itch?

Mother Rose Best In the Powder Room!

Find love the old-fashioned way!
Looking for love the old-fashioned way!

I’m super excited about the opportunity to write about this season of The Bachelor in a new series, Mother Rose Best for the lovelies over at In the Powder Room. But I’m not just recapping the chardonnay shenanigans. Oh no. I’ll be dispensing practical parenting advice inparted from one of the world’s greatest guilty pleasures. Yes, you can learn a lot from a baby-voiced, ex-dancer with a spray tan and Cache credit card.

Read the first installment of Mother Rose Best: Hung Like a Mini Horse.

Didn’t watch last night’s episode? Don’t worry.  Here’s what you missed:

Unicorns really do exist and so do people who believe in finding true love on national TV. Meet Ben Higgins, fan favorite cast-off from last season’s The Bachelorette. He’s a small town boy with a big moral compass who is by far the least scuzzy Bachelor in recent history. He’s not a caricature of a South American fuuuutball star or a pilot who reeked of Valtrex and penicillin. And not having roots in a rural Iowa farm town that go deeper than a string bikini through a saddlebag helps too. “I want to live somewhere with less people than tubes of lipstick in my purse!” said no Bachelor contestant ever. You think these women could exist more than 75 miles from the nearest Juicy Couture outlet? You’re as crazy as the chick last season who compared herself to an onion.

Ben takes us on a tour of his hometown and we see where he had his first kiss. We meet his parents who seem nice if not a bit horrified. They’ve been together 32 years and Ben claims to want what they have. I also want what they have—a house on the water. Lovely!

When her son brings up the insecurities he vomited all over America last season, his mom cries and dad commiserates. She wants her son to be happy and claims, “no matter where you find her, she’ll be great.”  She already hates these women.

Then Ben gets facetime with three previous Bachelors. They tell him it’s going to be hard. He needs to be honest. Chris Soules wants him to kiss as many women possible. Ben is grossed out by this.

Chris Harrison and Ben bring it in for an awkward man-hug as the first limofull of girls pulls up the drive.

We meet:

Lauren, a gorgeous flight attendant who brings him a pair of wings and thankfully steers clear of the “mile high club” low-hanging fruit joke.

Caila who spells her name in the most complicated way possible and believes after seeing Ben come out of the limo last season, he’s a perfect person. Umm, OK. I can actually see these two yahoos together.

Jennifer, a small business owner who forgot to mention her name.

Jami, a cute bartender from Canada who happens to know previous Bachelorette Kaitlin. She tells Ben she heard he has a really big…heart. GONG!

Jubilee, a super hot, badass war veteran. As lovely as she appears, she’s African American and we all know you don’t get attached to the token minority. Bummer.

Mandi: Good job perpetrating the Portland is Weird stereotype, Weirdo. Is every dentist on reality TV a psycho? Says she would not date a man with gingervitis which is actually not the worst advice, but wearing an enormous Pinterest-fail rose craft on your head is. (Ladies, if you can’t pick out the token “kooky” girl in your season, it’s you.)

Emily and Haley: Oh lord, we have blond twins. “Group hug?” Ben asks, clearly terrified. 

Lace the Aggressor. Immediately went in for some tongue action because she wanted the first kiss. How come I know Ben isn’t into kissing chicks on the first night and she doesn’t? Get a life and a clue how to use Google.

Jessica from Florida. Clearly she didn’t make an impression on me or Ben because that’s all I know about her.

Lauren R. a math teacher who professed to stalking Ben via social media for two months. (Take a hint, Lace.) Wow, Lauren. Are you sure you’re not a P.I.? You’ve got some serious sleuthing skills stalking a man who was recently named the star of a popular reality TV franchise. He kept asking what her name was. She didn’t tell him.

Shushana, who looks like a belly dancer and appeared to be speaking in tongues.

Leah, girl-next-door event planner. She hikes up the tulle on her dress and lobs a football at Ben.

Lauren H. was the lucky recipient of the bouquet toss at a wedding recently so naturally she took that as a sign. She gives the shriveled bouquet to Ben who can’t believe it still smells good.

Breanne, a nutritional therapist who hates gluten so much she repeatedly smashed a baguette on the sidewalk in front of Ben. MUST…DESTROY…ALL…GLUTEN!

Isabel, who goes by Izzy, eschewed the idea of wearing a gown in favor of PJ’s. “I need to find out if you’re the onsie for me,” she says as America collectively groans.

Rachel who is unemployed ditched the limo in favor of a hoverboard. Is this the same vehicle that spontaneously bursts into flames and Amazon demanded we destroy like it’s a big, glutenly baguette? That’s good TV!

Maegan is a cowgirl who doesn’t go anywhere without her mini horse. Ben and Maegan have as much chemistry as a host and restaurant patron waiting to be seated but the horse is damn cute.

Laura, who likes to go by “Red Velvet,” is already intimidated. See ya at the reunion, Red Velvet!

Joelle, exits the limo wearing a giant unicorn head. Because why not?

Amanda tell us in her little girl voice (uh oh, Dr. Drew!) about the two daughters she left behind in her quest to find a man who will one day give them daddy issues. Go on and leave your kids, Amanda. Toddlers don’t do anything cool anyway.

Tiara who is billed as a”chicken enthusiast” shows pictures of her beloved birds–and Ben–in frames. My husband calls her the  “female Gonzo.”

LB who does something in fashion. Blah blah blah. She’s too thin to care about.

Jackie arrives with a Save the Date card. Whoa. Hold your mini horses, girl.

Olivia, a newscaster from Florida says “hi” like seven times in three seconds. Ben loves her already.

Samantha, a recent law school graduate finds out during the limo ride that she passed the bar exam. Her dad passed away from ALS when she was a teen, but she takes comfort in knowing he’s smiling down on her as she prepares to don a bikini and get HPV from the shared toilet seats in the house.

Excited about the cast of potential wives, Ben calls to wake up his parents letting them know it’s real likely one of these twenty-six beauties or a mini horse will be joining them next Thanksgiving. Mom roots for the horse.

After some back-biting, bitch-calling, delusion of grandeur, aborted make-out attempts, and public shaming (all by the same horrible woman: Lace), Ben succumbs to a spontaneous dental exam (could probably floss better) a twin sandwich (“It’s not awkward for us so it shouldn’t be for you”), good old fashioned bonding over the sensual world of software sales, and two surprise contestants from previous seasons (what’s-her-face and Becca the Virgin!) He then has to explain to Lace why he won’t be sleeping with her tonight. Do we really need to do this? You’re one of twenty-eight girls, Lace. Not even close to the hottest. You just met the guy. She takes this to mean she’s definitely getting a rose tonight and she totally did because the producers must love her.

Soon Ben makes the tough choice to send eight girls who have been drinking on an empty stomach a’ packing. Breanne, the gluten hater is one of the casualties and is devastated because she’s “gone through so much already.” Yes, Breanne, it’s hard to give up wheat, but there are so many good alternatives out there these days. You’ll be okay.

A few final thoughts: 

Becca, you might be a virgin but that dress you wore isn’t.

Can we keep the horse? Please!? I promise to take care of it!

L.B., in lieu of a rose, will you please accept a sandwich?

Tune into The Bachelor Mondays at 8PM on ABC and In the Powder Room: Mother Rose Best the following Tuesday!