The Bachelorette, Season 15, Ep. Whatever: STAY IN YOUR LANE

Yeah, yeah, my recaps are spotty if even, but this season is really hard to watch and not for the reasons you have come to expect. It’s hard to watch this bachelorette because she is clearly too young to know what she wants, too immature to stand up for herself, and too insecure to not constantly be gaslit, manipulated, and borderline emotionally abused by a man who’s clearly a psychopath.

“Here is the definition of PSYCHOPATH. If I knew how to read I’d tell you all the ways this isn’t like me.”

Oh, Luke P. is good TV. But he’s also really f’ing scary because he’s not an actor. He’s a real guy who somehow passed the show’s psych exam and who will return to his webby lair of misogyny and toxic masculinity and keep existing in our world. He will gaslight and manipulate and abuse other women. Know how I know this? Because he’s also incredibly stupid. Stupid people just are. They can’t turn it off and on. And they seldom change.

But still I watch and groan and rewind and rewatch in attempt to capture all the dialogue– the real dialogue because it’s funnier than anything I could write– and scour Twitter to find solidarity with the rest of the world who are also watching agog at the shitshow playing out before us. Yes, of course it’s always a shitshow! But this is next level shitshowing. 

Shall we?

After several weeks of meltdowns, Hannah was fresh-faced and full of vigor ready to start anew in Latvia. (Latvia???) The boys had been really pissing her off with all that finger-pointing and yelling at Luke P. Why are they asking HIM questions and not her! Not one person ever asked WHAT MAKES HANNAH HANNAH. She almost forgot why her photo was cropping up in the lower left corner of Us Weekly covers. It’s to find a controlling man child that makes her feel like a woman, y’all! 

And Luke Goddamn Mothereffing Shitstain P. immediately started in on how frustrating that last rose ceremony was. The other guys were like, “Dude! You’re frustrated!? She canceled the cocktail party because you made her cry again! Also we hate your goddamn face! That’s how we always feel when we’re around you!”

Date card arrived and it’s Garret who gets the one-on-one.

Can I trust our love?

In case you wondered about Luke P.’s triggers, here’s one: one-on-one dates that don’t involve him. He is LEGITIMATELY JEALOUS. For the first time. He knows for a fact no guy feels about Hannah the way he does. FOR A FACT, bitches!

Hannah met Garret in the woods. They were freezing. It looked unpleasant. Then they saw a cable car dangling over a lake which was pretty damn scary all on its own, but then two naked humans bound to each other gummy worms left in a hot car fell out of it. 

What in the actual f*%k?

Oh! It’s naked bungee jumping! The Latvian tradition that combines my two biggest fears literally strapped into one.

The naked duo introduced themselves to Garret and Hannah. 

“Hey ! I’m Gunt! (YES, GUNT!) This is (forgot her name, sorry). Try naked bungee jumping! You’ll have fun! 

Okay!

Garret and Hannah stripped down to everything but Hannah’s bra which she kept on until the last possible second. For whatever reason she left her very heavy, very dangling earrings on.

In case you wondered what it looks like when you make-out, upside down, naked, strapped to a virtual stranger, dangling over a lake.

I’m not going to lie. This looked scary as f*ck. But they did it. And Hannah now thought Garret was very strong and that’s what she wanted in a man. They made out in front of a small dumpster fire to celebrate.

At dinner, Garret confessed his fear of heights and what a giant hurdle that was for him. He asked Hannah her very first question: What hurdles have you had to overcome?

Hannah: Umm…just living my life.

The near death, fully naked escapades of today’s activities really got Garret’s truth fountain overflowing. He told a sad tale about how everyone in his family loved football but he really liked golf. Talk about a hurdle!

Back at hotel, the guys discovered who would go on the next group date:

Mike, Jed, Tyler, Dustin, Luke, Connor, Dylan

Let’s discover Riga.

The follwoing morning, Garret told the group about naked bungee jumping. Mike wanted to know what bungee jumping was like. Luke wanted to know why in all that’s holy would this turd-nugget think it was okay to take his goddamn wife naked bungee jumping????? HE DID NOT GIVE HER PERMISSION TO DO THIS! In fact, he didn’t believe it.

Naked bungee jumping? With Garret? No way. Luke knew Hannah better than Hannah knew herself. It’s only a truth if Luke P. believes it. 

Let’s watch Luke P. process this.

The wise lay up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool brings ruin near.
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

Hannah was super excited to explore Latvia and have a normal date with her seven suitors. They explored a market, walked down a cobblestone street yelling things like, “Latvia!” and “Riga!”, watched Hannah consume a giant pickle, and took turns making out with her in front of each other. Pretty normal date stuff. 

Luke P., as we know, is a gracious dude. He was just excited to see Hannah let loose and be herself. The real her– not the fake her that would ALLEGEDLY naked bungee jump while mashed up against the sullied loins of another man. Did God speak to Garret in a shower? HA! I think not! 

Hannah knows how to read a room. While crammed together on public transportation, with lips and noses and hands and butts mere centimeters apart, she knew that was the perfect time to talk about naked bungee jumping. 

Luke P. was truly and absolutely shocked. He was like “OMG F*CK! That really happened??!!!! My wife is no different than those tainted trollops I was banging in high school!!!!”

Hannah explained how the naked part was a tradition for couples.

Luke P.: Like official couples?

Hannah: No.

Luke P.: But like when you’re officially a couple, you mean?”

You guys, give him a break. He had a reason to be upset. Hannah’s body “was her temple and to expose it to anyone who is NOT HER HUSBAND (READ: LUKE P.) was a slap in his face!” Luke needs answers! Luke will get them!

The night portion of the date kicked off with a below the knee shot of the guys walking so we could appreciate their super tight Capri pants and sock-less footwear. Tyler sported a particularly small, bright white pair but that’s okay because Tyler is everyone’s favorite now.

Luke P. finally got his chance to tell Hannah how he felt about her naked date.

Luke P.: Have you ever been cheated on?

Hannah: Of course!

Luke: Well, I HAD THAT FEELING THIS MORNING!

Hannah: Why?

Luke: This information is hard to receive! How could you hold your temple against Garett??? 

Hannah: I wanted the experience. Just because our baby making parts were skin on skin doesn’t mean it was sexual.

Luke P.: Yeah, well it was still really offensive and pissed me off and now I’m not sure I can introduce you to my family, but okay I’ll support you even if you do some boneheaded mistakes. Don’t worry. We’ll get through anything. That’s me being REAL! Hope you like it!

Date rose went to Tyler because he risked a yeast infection so America could see him in those pants.

Luke again was incredulous. Why bother being real if you can’t get a rose out of it

Then we had Hannah’s date with Peter. They went to a traditional Latvian spa to perform a bonding spiritual ritual which translates to, “have sex in a sauna.”

Hannah likes her men dirty and sweaty, which she kindly reminded us of. A lot. She also really likes straddling her men which she also visually reminded us of. Peter made her feel like a woman. Apparently the only women Hannah knows are horny, 

Peter told everyone about his hot, sweaty date and that made Jed sad. Jed missed Hannah so he grabbed his guitar and his shearling jean jacket and busked in the streets until she woke up.

Hannah woke up. Like really woke up. She invited him upstairs where he played more dumb music and told her he was really falling for her. She straddled him, ripped off her robe, and got down.

Also, we hate Jed now.

And then the conversations just went sideways with the other guys and Luke P. I can’t make this shit up nor could I type fast enough to keep up with it. Here’s the highlights:

“Listen, she’s your girlfriend but she’s also mine.”

“Stay in your lane!”

You stay in your lane!”

“Don’t ruin another rose ceremony or I’ll be seriously pissed!”

“STAY IN YOUR LANE!”

“Lower your voices. Hannah could be outside the door. Also STAY IN YOUR LANE!”

“I was in my lane but then I looked out the window and saw you and Hannah in your lane and didn’t like what I saw so now I’m in her lane!”

“Oooh, shouldn’t look away while driving. That’s how you crash.”

“Hannah needs us to stay in our lanes so that’s what I’m going to do.”

“Yeah, don’t text and drive!”

“I need sleep so please excuse yourself!”

The real highlight though was Tyler who apparently read a few feminist manifestos before coming on the show and expertly and calmly called Luke out on a myriad of bullshit. 

The next day Hannah ambushed the guys and squirreled Luke P. away. Luke was all, “Yes! I must be getting a rose.” The other guys were like “Oh that doesn’t look good.”

She respected Luke for having a REAL conversation with her, but unfortunately it didn’t sit well with her. She summoned every female empowering t-shirt she every saw on Pinterest and started rattling off slogans. 

“You don’t own me.”

“My body, my choice!”

“STAY IN YOUR LANE!” 

Luke P.: I won’t control you, but let me tell you what I will do.

Hannah: Why do I have to always scream in your face to make you understand?

Luke P.:  I never said any of that. I’m sorry you misunderstood and twisted my words.

Hannah: I’m just so confused. 

Luke P.: I’m just so excited that the train is finally back on track!

Hannah: Oh my god, no it’s not!

Luke P.: It’s close to the tracks! Still exciting!

Hannah: No it’s not!

Luke P.: If you feel that way, I’m sorry I was misunderstood. It’s confusing. From now on I’m going to speak clear! And if you can’t handle it, I’ll keep fighting harder. YOU WILL NEVER BE RID OF ME, HANNAH! 

Hannah: Why is it so hard with us?

Got it, thanks!

Upon rejoining the group, Luke proclaimed he knew they were going to ask so he would just tell them– he ain’t telling them nothing except to stay in their lanes!

Luke P.: Stay in your lane! You! And you! And you too! Mike, you keep being you, but the rest of you– STAY IN YOUR LANES!

Then Chris walked in and we knew it was bad news. Hannah was emotional again and canceled another cocktail party. What is ABC going to do with all that leftover booze?

Luke immediately got defensive and shouted this was not his fault!

The men donned a fresh pair of capris and took their places for the rose ceremony. 

Roses went to :

Jed

Mike

Connor

Suspense!!!

Wait for it!!!

Who could it be???

You will never guess!!!!!

Luke

Oh, for f*ck’s sake, Hannah.

As she pinned the world’s saddest rose to his collar, Hannah whispered to Luke, “There is goodness inside of you. And I see that.” 

With what do you see, Hannah???? You got a Hubble telescope under all those fake eyelashes?

Guys are shocked. We are all shocked. The villain never sticks around this long. Even Chris Harrison is confused.

Chris: What the actual f*ck, Hannah?

Hannah: I’m either falling in love with Luke or he’s making me crazy.

Neither are good options, Hannah. 

Sigh. Until next week.

The Bachelorette: Season 15, Ep. 2: Dragging Onnnnnnnnnnnnn

Is this the spatula scraped bottom of the casting barrel or are these bros actually Hannah’s type? I watch enough reality TV to be inclined to think it’s the latter. That barrel runs real deep. But know what isn’t deep? These constentants.

First, they all look alike. They have massive amounts of hair. They all mousse said hair into giant poop emoji shaped coifs atop their tiny heads. They have arrogantly deep voices. They are all named Luke or Connor or Tyler. With the exception of maybe Mike, I wouldn’t let my friend date any of these guys. Hook up at a wedding with? Yes. But bring to my annual neighborhood Christmas tree lighting party? Back the hell up, Broseph.

The episode opened with Chris lighting a date card on fire, chucking it into the living room, and bolting, not to be seen again until the rose ceremony.

A bunch of guys get called (Luke, Tyler, Tyler, Luke, Connor, Tyler, Luke, Connor, Connor, Tyler, Luke, Luke, Tyler, Luke, Connor, Tyler, Luke) upon for an outing at a theater where they are greeted by none other than Miss Jay!

OMG, Miss Jay! I had no idea how much I missed you!

Miss Jay is joined by two fabulous drag queens, Alyssa Edwards and Alaska Thuderfuck (the name of my next D&D character), who, along with Hannah were judges for the Mr. Right Pageant, because OF COURSE.

The boys met with the queens for some coaching and talent tips before walking the runway in banana hammocks and auditioning for America’s Got Socks in their Speedos. Jed wore his nut hugger with cowboy boots- a touching homage to toddlers of parents who just don’t give a shit anymore. Luke P. was super excited to strip down to his itsy, bitsy, teeny-weenie, 1980’s little bikini, and his fellow contestants experienced an extreme case of the vapors while Hannah and the judges had to be hosed down and airlifted to nearby ice baths.

WWJD, friends! What would Jesus deadlift?
Image courtesy of ABC

For his talent, Luke P. pried upon the insecurities of a woman who has struggled with the need to be perfect her whole life and desperately wants to walk off this show with her first husband by telling her he was definitely, for truly, 100%, abso-freakin’-lutely falling in love with her. People. We’re on episode 2. It’s been like 5 days. Also, Luke P. THAT IS NOT A TALENT!

But the guys were impressed. Not with his love lies, but with his body. They were all like, “Man, that Luke P.! Hubba hubba, amirite? The guy’s an asshole, but he’s got the body of a Greek god!”

Guess who won the title of Mr. Right? Of course it’s Mr. Divine Intervention himself! Hannah totally falls for his “I can’t believe I’m saying this already, but I love you so much” BS. SHE ASKED FOR BOLD, PEOPLE! And aggressively falling in love is BOLD! I guess?

At the post-date cocktail party, Luke P. squired Hannah away immediately much to the irritation of the other guys. She used the opportunity to grill him on how he could possibly feel love already.

Hannah: But it’s been like…12 minutes.

Luke P.: Because I am falling in love with you.

Hannah: Well, I mean, it has been like 12 minutes. Wow, y’all bold!

Next day Hannah takes one of the Tylers out for a one-on-one. She must have been touched by an angel in the styling department because she was dressed head to toe in white. Uh oh. What could this mean? Time to bust out the ATVs and get muddy! You see, Hannah is so chill and cool, she’s not afraid to get her whites dirty.

Afterwards they cleaned up and had a nice, fake dinner and some nice fake conversation about Hannah’s dreams to be a wife and have an “incredible career” and maybe “help people.” Tyler thought that sounded really cool, minus the helping people. Be real man, be genuine, but humanitarianism is for losers. They made out. Tyler got a rose, the end.

Kidding! Not the end! There’s still another group date! This one forced the guys to try roller derby and question what was on that waiver they signed before coming on the show. With every smashed assbone, Hannah got more turned on. One of them (Dustin?) might have broken something and had to leave. The other guys were so jealous.

Afterwards they sat around a coffee table full of fake food and drinks inside a deserted antiques warehouse. Pretty sure the location scout owns this joint because it’s definitely showed up on previous seasons. As Hannah began to settle in with her bruised and bandaged suitors, a mysterious van pulled up. Nope, not Scooby Doo. MUCH WORSE. No, not Scrappy Doo. Even worse than him! It’s freakin’ Cam! Always Be Carpooling! Well, sure beats sitting by the pool, playing whiny out of tune melodies on your harmonica. But you see, Cam, you were not invited on this group date so you don’t get to show up. Go home and ask the other guys how this show works.

But too bad. He’s there to interrupt her time with the other guys and tell Hannah how much he missed her. We are assured by Cam that this was “a very Cam thing to do” which should have sparked a “Thank you, next” response from Hannah, but nope. She let him have his time. Bold gesture, y’all! The other guys were NOT PLEASED. They ran out to the parking lot to take turns telling Cam what a jerk he was.

Guy: Uh, dude, not cool.

Cam: Sorry, man. I get it.

Guy: So, uh, like go home now, ‘k?

Cam: Yeah, mean, totally leaving. Just needed to tell her something.

Other Guy: You’re taking time away from us by being here.

Cam: You’re taking time away from being here by being here.

Other Guy: Where?

Cam: Here. In this parking lot!

Guy with Deep Voice: You’re like a stalker, man. Not cool.

Cam: I assure you, stalking is a very Cam thing to do.

Blah blah blah, on to the rose ceremony.

Hannah entered the room, looked at her guys, and immediately burst into tears. Want to play a drinking game? Every time Hannah says, “bold” or “real”, or “on this journey” knock one back. You’re shitfaced, right? Like before we even see a rose. Keep drinking. It will help you get through her speech. Something about being real and not feeling worthy and needing realness and boldness and feeling worthy and wow, isn’t she lucky??? Oh wait, those were happy tears, Hannah? Here I was thinking you were looking around the room at Cam the Interrupting Rapper, and that guy who looks like Nick Viall, and Jed who is cute and totally not using this platform to get a record deal, and the roided out dude who gets messages from Jesus while exfoliating his butt cheeks, and 36 other guys named Tyler with hair so big it’s full of secrets and feeling sad but you are feeling #blessed. Girl, wipe your nose and go find that husband. HE IS TOTALLY IN THAT ROOM RIGHT NOW. I can feel it.

But let’s hope it’s not Cam who interrupted some more one-on-one time claiming he had something planned for all three of them. Uh, all of them? You talking about that dude she was just making out with? He brought Hannah and the other guy over to a heart-shaped crop circle on the cobblestone driveway and fed them chicken nuggets and sheep’s blood.

I honor you and respect you, so I’m giving you this tray of nuggets to please take inside so Hannah and I can enjoy an evening of overt creepiness. It’s a very Cam thing to do.
Image courtesy of ABC

Guy Interrupted was not pleased with Cam’s crafty craft services shenanigans. When Cam returned to Bachelor Mansion, the other guy chucked a handful of chicken nuggets in his face. I shit you not. He threw nuggets at the guy. And Cam was all like, “Really dude? You think this is the first time someone’s thrown fast food in my face? HA!”

And if THAT wasn’t gross enough– you have no idea what was going down in the next room. Well, for starters, there was a massage table. (Go ahead and spit out that bile that’s pooling in your mouth hole.) Luke P. and Hannah were getting ready to make a baby right there on that table. Then Poor Jed walked in and was like, “MY EYES! MY GODDAMN EYES! HOW AM I GOING TO READ THAT RECORDING CONTRACT I’M SURE TO SCORE AFTER THIS ORDEAL IS OVER???” Luke P. tried to make him feel better by saying it wasn’t what it looked like. It wasn’t all the way out for god’s sake. They weren’t having actual sex, Jed. Just some flirty dry humping on a massage table. No bigs. Jed walked away and Hannah dropped 11 F-bombs in a row and claimed she didn’t know what to do. WHAT THE F*%K DO YOU DO WHEN ONE BOYFRIEND SEES YOU EATING THE PECS RIGHT OFF YOUR OTHER BOYFRIEND??? This was so confusing. She ran off to find Jed who would rather have watched his parents have sex than that shit show, but still managed to laugh it off. Hannah was so relieved. He was totally the perfect guy to walk in on her and Luke P. doing the divine twine. I’m starting to like this guy. Let THAT shows you what kind of caliber of men we’re dealing with this season.

Some more conversations and kissing happened before Chris Harrison returned from a long hiatus to say it was time for the doling of the roses. A handful of guys leave, but not Cam or Luke P. Shit, even JOHN PAUL JONES is still there. But we are down at least one Connor.

You would think the drama ended there but as long as Cam and Luke P. are present, this dumpster fire will burn eternal. Cam decided to toast to Hannah Ayala (sp?) which of course is his last name. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. The other guys refused and threw figurative chicken nuggets at him. And then Luke P. interrupted Hannah’s interview with the producers to tell her how real and trust-worthy he is. Obviously when a guy tells you that, it’s true.

Super excited to see Cam do Cam things and Luke P. be creepy. That reminds of one of my favorite jokes! How does Luke P. get through the forest? He takes the psychopath!

Until next week, friends!


The Bachelorette Recap, Ep 1 (pt.2): Girl on the Side and One in the Bush

Oh man, so far behind so let’s finish up that first episode with a quick recap.

After she meets all her suitors, Hannah makes a quick stop in the bushes to pray. She asks the good lord to give her “words” and make her sound smart. Watching her in an honest vulnerable moment like that was bit heartbreaking and scummy even for these producers. It’s also an exercise in futility as everyone knows God hangs out in showers, not bushes.

She finds enough words to give a speech telling the guys she ain’t perfect and she doesn’t want perfect and if they’re after perfect they best make like a woman in Alabama who values her human rights and leave.

Luke P. doesn’t give a shit what nonsense Hannah is spewing and is totally here for the right reasons– TO WIN. He immediately whisked the bachelorette away much to the shock and dismay of those other dudes. Wait. Did he seriously just leave with her? Like to go be alone? Has he no consideration for the 28 guys she’s dating? Rude, man! You call yourself a Christian?

Luke wasted no time letting Hannah know he’s hot on her tail– I mean trail. He told her she was the most beautiful girl he ever saw. Hannah was impressed!

Hannah: Tell me more about yourself. Like exactly how many girls have you seen in your life?

Luke: I’m an uncle. It’s so amazing! But I’m like totally behind. I’m 24 and don’t have a girlfriend or a wife or nothing!

Hannah: Did you know people have babies in their thirties???

Luke: They are gross and desperate. I’m ready now.

Hannah: Same!

Luke: And I thought this is the LAST place I’d find a girlfriend!

Hannah: Same!

Luke: And I know I don’t know you all that well, but I’m already falling for you so you best make like a smushed tomato and catch-up, girl!

Hannah: Same!

HANNAH! Luke is a shister! I mean, look at that beady-eyed little born-again! No f’ing way does he love you! He just met you! And if he honestly thinks he does then that’s a bigger problem. Like he’s mental! Also I know your being sequestered that weird little love world right now and probably don’t have access to NPR but you need to know your beloved, home state of which you represented in the Miss America pageant just criminalized abortion and I’m having a really hard time watching your season because your probably going to end up with a guy who voted for Trump and not really care as long as he has a smattering of facial hair and tattooed pecs. Hannah, in case you are wondering, none of this is good.

But I digress.

She spend the rest of her evening hanging out with some of the other guys, talked about her struggle to be perfect, had a fake bachelorette party thrown by a guy who’s never seen a bachelorette party, not even in a movie, and gratuitously made out with a handful of men. Mike is a standout guy so far. He seems genuine, has a nice, smile and totally the guy you want to sit next to at a dinner party when you don’t know anyone there. But he doesn’t have a chance.

Mike for Bachelor!

Because she met Cam on the After the Final Rose episode, he claimed it was techinically their second date and therefore totally okay to make out. Hannah agreed, excited for the world to see close ups of her sucking face. Cam looks like a terrible kisser. Sorry, Cam but you look like a terrible kisser. Stick to rapping. Nope, not that either. Go find Luke P. and ask for a pamphlet.

Close-Up Kissing Cam! EWWWWW

Hannah gave the first impression rose to Luke P. because she is a needy pageant queen who desperately needs affirmations. Also she’s 24. I already hate this season.

Umm, you’re so March 2019, girls.

Oh right, these two bitches.

I didn’t bring up Katie and Demi from Colton’s season because:

  1. I don’t want to
  2. I don’t like them.
  3. I thought their appearance at the beginning of this episode was a dumb little schtick that would never rear its heavily pancake make-uped face again.
  4. I want them to go away.

They did not. Instead they rolled up in a white surveillance van and parked it on the Bachelor Mansion driveway, which is totally normal, necessary, and not a dumb way to build fake suspense and contrived drama AT ALL. Apparently Demi got some intel claiming one of Hannah’s potential husbands isn’t HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. This guy ALLEGEDLY has a girlfriend back home. He was ALLEGEDLY planning a vacation with her sometime between inevitably getting dumped by Hannah and securing 50,000 IG followers. Hannah’s besties lie in wait in the back of their pedophile van, watching closed circuit televisions to figure out which guy is the bad actor.

Jed and his awkward facial hair sand to Hannah so clearly it couldn’t be him.

Pilot-in-uniform-guy seems nice, so nope. Can’t be that guy.

Scott says Hannah took his breath away when he first saw her.

What’s that you say, Lassie? That’s the big, two-timing meanie? Nailed it!

Here is Demi concentrating really hard on solving this mystery:

OMG, stay calm, Demi. You’re in the back of a van. Clearly you’ve been kidnapped again.

Here is Demi at the exact moment she figured it out!

Took your breath away, you say? And yet…you’re still breathing… I’m solvin’ a mystery!

Girls asked Chris to fetch Hannah STAT and bring her to the van.

Hannah was ON FIRE! She stomps back to the mansion and dragged Scott off for a “probably not so good chat.”

The other guys are baffled and turned on by Hannah’s assertiveness. God granted her words alright!

Out of earshot but in full view of the house, Hannah rips into Scott.

Hannah: Ha! I know why you were all nervous about being here! YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!

Scott: No, I don’t.

Hannah: Yeah, you do. Demi read your texts. She’s outside in a van right now!

Scott: Nope, not admitting that.

Hannah: Did you talk to this girlfriend on Monday?

Scott: (Clears throat.) Well, yeah, but I’ve been like super honest up until right now.

Hannah: So you kept a girlfriend back home just to be safe?

Scott: Okay, I can see why you would think that.

Hannah: This is not okay. The other guys went through the effort to break up with their girlfriends before they got here.

Scott: Okay fine, you want me to be honest? I was dating a girl up until Monday, maybe Tuesday. Maybe we’re still dating. I really don’t know.

Hannah: That is not fair. I have no idea why anyone would come on a reality TV show to find love without the purest of intentions.

Scott: Fine, if you want me to leave, I will, but you were just dating Colton so it’s the same thing.

Hannah: No it isn’t.

Scott: Yeah, it kind of is.

Hannah: Man, I wish I could just send your ass home.

Scott: Well, you can, dummy. It’s your show.

Hannah: Oh, yeah! Please go home.

Scott: Sorry you feel that way. I’d probably be sad if I didn’t have a girlfriend to go home to.

Uh, Scott, you’re not good looking enough to be that sleazy.

Reeling from confrontation, Hannah told the other guys Scott had a girlfriend and that’s kind of frowned upon on this show so he’s gone now. Hannah left to pray in the bushes again. The guys have hard time seeing her so upset. Especially Luke goddamn P. Before the other guys can say, “Jesus hand me some detangler,” he’s off making sure Hannah was okay. She wasn’t. She was freezing. Luke was sorry to hear that, but found it hard to be empathetic to her plight because he was nice and snuggled into an ill-fitted, shitty blue sport coat. What’s that ol’ proverb? Teach a woman to ask a producer to find her a shawl, and she’ll be warm for a night. But make her shiver in her sequins and she’ll totally give you the first impression rose? What the hell, Hannah? Where were your dumb Mystery Incorporated van hoe’s now?

Much mashing of the faces ensues.

And on the first day, the lord whispered, “I will engulf your face with one kiss.And then I will impregnate you.”

Afterwards Luke was sweating balls. Maybe it was the hot makeout sesh or maybe it was his nice warm jacket. Either way it’s gonna be an awkward shower with God tomorrow. He’s even more convinced that Hannah WILL BE WON.

Oh! It’s Chris Harrison ting-tinging a spoon against a champagne glass signifying the party was over. Time for the rose ceremony.

As she doles out the flowers, the producers cut to JOHN PAUL JONES who got increasingly more frantic. Look, bitches, he didn’t forgo a promotion to spend just a few hours here. And goddammit, he was running out of coke! Oh JPJ, have you never seen this show? She hates your guts, but you’re creepy and bat shit crazy so producers love you. You’re golden until at least week 5.

I mean, why wouldn’t you give this guy a rose? Other than he looks like a bastard Trump child.

Of course JPJ got the final rose and accepted it WITH GRATITUDE! Can’t say the same thing for that promotion HE GAVE UP TO BE HERE, HANNAH! Now hand him so nose candy!

Old Matt Donald, the Box King, and a bunch of guys I don’t remember seeing were all sent packing.

Old Matt Donald is going to need time to recover from this.

Sigh…back to swiping

And that guy? Well, he’s super happy for Hannah and hopes she finds love, but he’s really sad for himself. He cries.

Now on to a much shorter episode 2 recap which involves DRAG QUEENS! YESSSSSS!