The Bachelor, Finale: Court the Raven Nevermore

The final episode began in Northern Finland. Home of Santa Claus, Nick’s sad, depressed family, and roving gangs of angry female department store elves helmed by Amy Schumer’s distant cousin.

"You take your fake wives, and your cameras, and sad pathetic love life, and get the eff out of here!"
“You take your fake wives, and your cameras, and sad pathetic love life, and get the eff out of here!”

For the last three years, Viall family vacations are tied to the ABC production budget. At least Finland was a cool place to visit. As they tentatively waited to meet the two seasonal loves of Nick’s life, they reminisced about meeting his two other TV almost-wives.

“We were devastated after Andi and Caitlin,” Nick’s dad recalled. “People asked if it was possible that it could happen again. Of course it is, I told them! Have you met Nick?”

Nick made a last ditch effort to stir up some drama on the world’s most undramatic Bachelor season ever by pretending to be all terrified he’s gonna get dumped at the altar again. Clearly this was producer mandated because Vanessa was also pretending to have second thoughts about accepting the proposal from a man who doesn’t even have her phone number.

Nick’s sad, traumatized family met Raven first. She was on her best behavior because she knew when you marry someone you marry the whole damn family.

Nick’s little sister Bella (who had the pleasure of meeting Raven a few weeks ago when Nick ambushed her soccer match) pulled Raven aside first.

Bella: Look bitch, I didn’t get yanked out of school to come to this freezing ass place to see my brother get dumped again. Do you know how embarrassing this is for a girl in middle school?

Raven: I’m kind of like a girl in middle school. Only I just had an orgasm!

Bella: So has every girl in middle school, dummy. Get with it. Do you love my big, dumb brother or what?

Raven: Yes!

Bella: Okay! I really like you and hope he picks you. I mean, i don’t know that other girl, but if you promise to say yes, I’m totes sold!

Also sold was Nick’s mom who was convinced Raven couldn’t possibly hurt anyone. Uhhhh, Nick’s Mom? Let me tell you a story about a little, holy, goth girl and her high heeled shoe.

The next day Vanessa got to meet the Viall clan and they were made instantly aware this girl was way out of Nick’s league. Vanessa recanted their first date and that special way Nick looked at her after she threw up his mouth.

“Bingo! That’s what I’ve been looking for my whole life!!”

Vanessa’s approach to meeting the family was a tad different than Raven’s. While the latter was all moony-eyed and ready to pass out save the date cards, Vanessa took a more…what’s the word…realistic approach. First she told Nick’s mom she wanted to end up with Nick, but was scared to get engaged because you know– they don’t really know each other.

Then she told his sister she was worried about where they’ll live and–gasp– having to compromise.

Finally she asked his dad if love was all you needed to make a relationship work.

“Nope,” his dad said. “You need compromise, selflessness, willingness to stop going on dates in front of cameras, desire to live in the same country.”

And then he burst out crying.

And then she burst out crying.

And then they hugged.

Later Nick and his dad chatted about chicks.

Dad: You have a type.

Nick: No, I don’t.

Dad. You do. You like women you meet on TV.

Nick: Nah, not always. I banged that chick from Jade and Tanner’s wedding.

Dad: Don’t forget your track record.

Nick: Right. Good talk, Dad. Good talk.

Afterwards, the family then discussed options with Nick like maybe eHarmony or a personal ad or hooking up with college students at a bar. Dad said he’d be cool with either girl. Mom thought Raven’s eagerness to get a proposal might be a red flag.(Ya think, Nick’s Mom?)

Nick kept harping on the fact that there was a very real chance that one of these girls could dump his ass if he proposes because…you know… it’s happened. Twice.

Overall, Nick’s family is just about done with this TV nonsense.

Tell me again why I'm on TV pretending to believe you actually love some chick you've talked to six times?
Tell me again why I’m on TV pretending to believe you actually love some chick you’ve talked to six times?
Really? You're gonna marry one of these girls? For, like, reals?
Really? You’re gonna marry one of these girls? For, like, reals?
I'm 12 and I know how stupid this is. You're a eff'ing idiot, big bro.
When I grow up I hope I don’t have to meet guys on game shows. 

Then it was time for the last dates before the inevitable proposal.

Vanessa put on her tall hat and joined Nick for an afternoon experiencing Nordic traditions like horseback riding and hanging out with Santa Claus. Vanessa felt like she was back in her childhood when she would ride a horse up mountain, knock on a random cabin, and a strange foreign man would wave her in.

Santa gave the couple some fertility-boon laser etched wood plaque depicting their faces before sending them off  to have another weird conversation about their future.

Totally nailed the tall, goofy hat.
Totally nailed Venla’s tall, goofy hat.

Vanessa cried. Nick mumbled. She was upset. He was clueless. Did she want to say yes if he proposed? Would he move to Canada? Did she even really like him? She was determined to get reassurance later that night.

Vanessa: Everytime I ask you a question I get a very general answer.

Nick: ABC is making me be vague. It’s not good for ratings if I tell you I’m gonna pick you before the finale even though everyone knows I’m going to.

Vanessa: It’s not fair to make me wait and pretend Raven is actually competition. TELL ME!

Nick: Well I’ve been dumped on TV twice so I am very careful with my heart. Does that make sound romantic and hopeful or like the jaded, cynical prick I am?

Vanessa: Are you ready to propose?

Nick: Isn’t Finland beautiful?

Vanessa:  I hate you.

Nick: I know. I hate me too.

Vanessa: That might be the only thing we have in common.

Then it was Raven’s turn, which meant another horrific music montage this time accompanying Nick and Raven’s ice skating date. They groped and spun and almost fell down as Kiss Me–a song as dated and cheesy as they are– played in the background. Raven was giddy thinking this was her last date as a single person ever.

Once again their afternoon cumulates with some having petting on an inappropriate surface.

Incidentally this is also my last date as a single person because I'm about to propose to that other girl!
Incidentally this is also my last date as a single person because I’m about to propose to that other girl!

After skating they warmed up by a fire. Nick left to retrieve a surprise and came back with three adorable husky puppies.

“I hope my kids with nick are as cute as these puppies!” Raven squealed.

The evening portion of the date took place at a chalet where Raven exuded more confidence in iIck being the person she was supposed to be with it.

“It’s a true love, y’all!

Nick toasted and thanked her for being there, sleeping with him, and allowing herself to fall in love. She thought that was so dang sweet.

Raven: So how are you doing? I mean, without giving too much detail. I don’t wanna get bored.

Nick: Man, it’s hard. This is a lot of pressure. You think it’s easy to have two girlfriends?

Raven: I never said that.

Nick: It’s hard! Thank goodness there’s PA’s around to help me remember your names.

Raven: Well, let me tell you, I will totally say yes when you propose. I’m ready! No hesitation! Vote for me!

Nick: Aw, now you’re sweet. You’re so sincere. It’s so hard to imagine you nearly bludgeoning someone to death with a shoe.

Now, if you’ve ever watched this show you know exactly how it’s going to turn out. There’s always one over-confident contestant and one humble one. Clearly he’s not going to pick the over-confident one because– hello! DRAMA. No freakin’ way.

Nick went back to his Nordic dungeon and thought about these two doomed relationships and let his heart guide him to the one who would earn him the most publicity.

At last, the world’s most famous traveling ring salesman showed up to schelp his overdesigned wares.

Nick: Neil Lane! We meet again!

Neil: Seriously man. You’ve been on this show almost as many times as I have.

Cut to Vanessa who was already sobbing in her evening gown. She was having some serious hesitations about getting engaged to this yahoo. There were still so many questions. Where will they live??? How could she leave her family??? Does Nick even have a job???

Then there was Raven, working on her Dream Wedding Pinterest board and waxing on about how Nick is everything she ever wanted.

“I believe in fairy tales! I’m ready! Bring it on!!!”

Nick was worried that if he proposed to Vanessa she might actually say no. She kept wanting answers to stupid logistical questions and reassurances about his stupid feelings. So lame. Maybe he should propose to Sure Thing Raven so he could finally live out his dream of getting engaged on national television. Then he burst into tears at the thought of having to dump someone the way he had been dumped all those times before.

The first limo pulled up and you know whomever gets out first is the reject. To my delight, Raven in a gaudy silver bridesmaid-to-a bride-who-clearly-hated-her-friends-dress stepped out. Yay! #sorrynotsorry.

She didn’t waste any time launching into a diatribe about how much she loved him and how he’s everything she ever wanted.

Not the face you want to see after professing your love for a reality TV "star."
Not the face you want to see after professing your love for a reality TV “star.”

It took a while, but she finally got it. He didn’t kiss her on the mouth. They weren’t making out on a bed of straw and shards of glass. He wasn’t even smiling. Hmm…

I'm two seconds away from taking off these heels...
I’m two seconds away from taking off these heels…

NIck: Uhh, I really care about you, I respect you. I have much love for you. But umm… I just don’t think I’m in love with you. Miss you!

Raven: I know.

Nick: Sorry.

Raven: It’s cool. I can always be the next Bachelorette!

Nick: Umm, no you can’t. They already picked Rachel.

Raven: Rachel? But she’s black!’

Nick: Lemme walk you out.

Not only did Raven not get a ring, she didn’t get to retrieve her coat! Poor girl was freezing in the back of a limo wondering why Jesus won’t just let her be happy.

I was surprised she held it together so well. Oh wait, never mind!

Lights up. We see girl in desperate need of of a haircut and color crying and shivering in the back of  a limo. She has a tiny mouth, like someone painted over her real mouth with flesh colored paint and taped a black pipe cleaner in it’s place. Yes, a black pipe cleaner. She’s grossly overdressed and clearly freezing because she doesn’t have a coat. As she speaks, she is overcome with emotion, barely able to get the full impact of her self-loathing across.  

Girl in Limo: Is it that no one can feel that way about me? I wish I could find love. But I don’t even know if that’s possible. So why even look? It’s probably not possible. Now I have to go back to Arkansas and have my creepy brother spy on me and all the guys I take into the grain silos to make out with and them beat up with my shoe. Sigh…

Lights down.

Nick confessed he had been falling in love with Vanessa for a long time and was still fake worried about getting dumped. But he had been fighting the feeling for a long, long time and gosh darnit, he wasn’t fighting it anymore! He was going to ask her to marry him!

Vanessa spent her limo ride fretting over if Nick was really ready to deal with the pressures that came with an engagement like people constantly asking where you’re going to live and what will you do for a living. So annoying.

As they came face to face in the candlelit Nordic lodge, Nick said he knew the exact moment he fell in love with her. (HINT: It was after she threw up in his mouth.)

“When I look at you, all I see is my future and includes several covers of Us Weekly dedicated to our engagement and subsequent break up.”

Then Vanessa made a big, dumb speech.

“I didn’t think you would notice me. But instead you noticed every part of me. Thank you for taking another chance on love.”

Oh, please. What is this crap? OMG, who cares? No! NOT ME! IT’S NOT REAL, SHELLY! 

So yeah, they’re probably broken up by now, which is why I wasn’t rushing to post this, but I know what you’re thinking: What will Nick do now that the cameras are turned off? Go away and enjoy life outside of the public eye? Reconnect with his sad family? Get to know his new fiancé? Oh hell no!

Because of course.
Because of course.

And the Universe has realigned itself.

Rachel, we are ready for you. Don’t disappoint us.

The Bachelor, Week 10: Reindeer Games Make Nick Look Lame

The Bachelor is leading us to believe all Finland has to offer is packs of running deer and snow. (And the Northern Lights if, you know, natural phenomenons are your bag.) That all may be true, but it’s time to update the tourism brochures. Finland can now proudly proclaim itself to be the locale where Raven had her first orgasm. That’s right. Nick brought his chunky cable knit sweater and his A-Game to the Fantasy Suite and left Raven, “Pretty satisfied.”

The next morning as she snuggled in a fur blankie and bid Nick adieu with a smooch and an “I love you,” Raven believed that was the first “meaningful” I love you with her future husband. Clearly she was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

As if her words were not vomit-inducing enough, we were then treated to a “My First Orgasm” music montage where a “fully awoken” Raven ran around poor, beautiful, peaceful Finland nuzzling dogs, high-fiving strangers, kissing reindeer, making snow angels, and poking her dumb hat-heavy head out from behind sculptures. I mean…what the…?

I can't wait to tell the folks back in Arkansas about this! Oh wait! I already did. I'm on TV, y'all!
I can’t wait to tell the folks back in Arkansas about my first orgasm! Oh wait! I already did. I’m on TV, y’all!

Just…stop, Raven. I don’t get you. Never have. If I could muster a morsel of a positive feeling towards Nick I would wonder what he sees in you, but I can’t. So I don’t. I think you should get married and take each other off the market and hump in the Arkansas mud and make enough babies to fill a Sunday School class. Also, your hat is stupid.

And on the 10th week, the Lord said: Man, give Raven a freakin' orgasm so she can finally stop embarrassing her daddy.
And on the 10th week, the Lord said: Man, give Raven a freakin’ orgasm so she can finally stop embarrassing her daddy by talking about it on national TV!

After Nick left Raven pretty satisfied in the Fantasy Suite, he met up with Rachel for another fun afternoon of stereotypical winter activity and mediocre satisfaction. They cross-country skied (perfect activity for a girl from Texas and a douche on two legs) to a safari where they geeked out on some reindeer who were less than impressed by these stupid Americans who were pretending to fall in love on TV.

Even this reindeer knows what stupid jackasses these humans are. HE'S LAUGHING AT YOU GUYS! A freakin' reindeer!
This reindeer was all like, “Ew, you stupid clowns! You know this shit ain’t real, right?” HE’S LAUGHING AT YOU GUYS! A freakin’ smiling reindeer!

“We’re just trying out new adventurers together,” Rachel mused. “There’s something beautiful and romantic about that.”

What wasn’t beautiful and romantic was the rational, sad, neglected voice inside Rachel’s head that didn’t believe all this hooey and therefore wouldn’t let her say stupid things like, “I love you!”

Instead she said, “I’m scared. Scared of rejection. Scared of putting it out there and him not giving it back.”

Oh honey, whatever Nick is putting out there, you’re surely going to get back. In fact, call your gyno now.  

But alas. The Rational Rachel was asked to take a seat while Regretful Rachel had a nice, little chat with Nick.

Nick: I like strong people. I like strong women. I like knowing where I stand.

Rachel: I’m falling in love with you! Oh god, that’s so stupid I might make myself sick!

Nick: I’m totally falling for you too! 100%! You’re going to be such a great Bachelorette! Want to go to the Fantasy Suite?

Rachel: Totes! Just let me get my diaphragm!

Rachel felt good, she felt confident, she felt loved. Soon she would feel a burning sensation when she peed, but that’s besides the point.

“This is exactly the man i’m supposed to be with,” she beamed.

Ugh.

See what good and confident gets ya? A face full of morning breath and an UTI.
See what good and confident gets ya? A face full of morning breath and an UTI.

Rachel loved waking up with Nick–until he ate the breakfast off her plate and begged off to meet up with his other girlfriend.

Last but not least likely to get an STD, it was Vanessa’s turn to don a stupidly tall knit hat and wait outside in the cold for Nick to take her someplace even colder. They both hoped whatever unbearably frigid thing the producers cooked up would be better than that day they spent in Montreal with Vanessa’s annoying sane, close, cynical family and their constant barrage of inane questions.

Because their relationship had always been so, “hot and steamy,” Nick thought a Finnish ice bath would be an appropriate activity.

Is it the snow and arctic temps or did Nick just get really doughy?
Is it the snow and arctic temps or did Nick just get really doughy? And why such a small belly button.

Nick: Hey! We’re going to wear matching, ill-fitting swimsuits, hang out in a boiling hot sauna, and then run outside to submerge ourselves in a freezing ass lake.

Vanessa: My family was right– you suck.

Nick: I don’t want to do it either, okay? But all the good dates were already taken by my other girlfriends.

Vanessa: I want to murder you. Like chop you up and feed you to the reindeer.

After the third dip in the freezing ass lake, Vanessa started enjoying it, which goes to prove this woman has terrible taste in pretty much everything.

After telling Nick how strong her feelings were for him, she promptly threw up in his lap.
After telling Nick how strong her feelings were for him, she promptly threw up in his lap.

Once they were warm and dry, they discussed Vanessa’s very traditional family and Nick’s blatant dislike of very traditional families.

Nick: I once dated a girl who’s family was very…present. I hated it. I hate family. They all suck. I wish I was hatched from a bed bud and sunflower seed.

Vanessa: I will never compromise on ANYTHING! Especially not spending six hours with my family EVERY, SINGLE SUNDAY!

Nick: Like every Sunday?

Vanessa: I just hope you remember that relationships are based on compromises!

Nick: But you just said you would never compromise.

Vanessa: I WON’T! You will be doing all the compromising, assface!

That night Vanessa became confused. Maybe she had a delayed case of hypothermia? Maybe the sight of Nick in a tiny blue weenie bikini zapped her out of this forced romantic reverie? Or maybe she just hadn’t had enough to drink yet. While she could picture spending the rest of her life with Nick, she didn’t understand why their conversations were always so heavy. Also, why the hell wouldn’t he want to spend ¾ of every day with her family? I mean, what the literal hell? And speaking of family, Vanessa figured now was as good a time as any to talk about the whole, “What country would we live in if you proposed?” question they were all so obsessed with. (ANSWER: Doesn’t freakin’ matter! Before you can Google “What the eff is a toonie?” your fake love story will be resigned to old Us Weekly’s languishing on Bombay Company end tables in dentist waiting rooms.

Neither Nick nor Vanessa seemed interested in leaving their home countries so they decided to talk about it after spending the night in the Fantasy Suite.

In the morning, Vanessa had been duped into thinking Nick was her other half. She believed herself to the luckiest person in the world, but was admittedly a little worried because they still hadn’t settled on which country they’d live in. But oh well! Time for a Rose Ceremony!

Even the luckiest woman in the world wasn’t immune to a little insecurity and doubt. Standing next to Raven and Rachel who also reeked of eau de Fantasy Suite toiletries made her wonder if she was good enough. (ANSWER: Honey, the day you hit send on your application was the day you should have asked yourself that.)

But I digress.

Nick was a hot mess, barely able to properly thank each of the girls for taking the time to sleep with him without bursting into tears. He sniveled and cried as he handed roses to Raven and Vanessa.

Oh no way. You mean the girl who was tapped to be the next Bachelorette a MONTH AGO didn’t get a rose?! No way, ABC. Didn’t see that coming. Impressive run, Rachel. We’ll see you soon. Maybe not soon enough for Nick.

Rachel: Ew. I can’t believe I thought we had a thing.

Nick: You’re the most incredible woman I ever met. I hope this isn’t goodbye forever. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge!

Rachel: Ew. Just…ew.

Nick: I’m always going to think of you. Even after I propose to and dump one of those bimbos over there. Can I walk you out?

Before she got into the back of the limo, Nick hugged her tight. Like really tight. Maybe he really liked her but ABC paid him to dump her. Or maybe they really liked her and promised him a spot on her season the The Bachelorette.

As a lone tear streamed down Rachel’s cheek in the back of the limo, Nick popped a squat next to a lantern and cried.

I'm not crying. I'm goddamn freezing! Why do all the other Bachelors get to go to warm locations?
I’m not crying. I’m goddamn freezing! Why do all the other Bachelors get to go to warm locations?

Who will Nick chose to enter into a highly publicized, ill-fated relationship with? Only one more week of putting up with Nick and his fake feelings! Weeeeeeeee!

The Bachelor, Week 9: Suite Tart

There’s good news and bad news about this week’s episode of The Bachelor:

Good news: It was only an hour!

Bad news: It involved one long, drawn out, pathetic , TMI-filled date between Raven and Nick.

Good news: It’s Fantasy Suite time! Bahahahaha!

Bad news: It involved Raven and Nick.

Good news: There was a big, fat, kiss off at the Rose Ceremony.

Bad news: I’m already bored without her.

Don’t worry, we’ll get there. But if I had so suffer through Nick and Andi’s incredibly fake, obviously scripted, weird role-play then so do you. That’s what friends do.

Nick: I’m so vulnerable! Is this how you felt?

Andi: Oh god, no! You’re a loser!

Nick: You dumped me on national TV!

Andi: I’d do it again in a heartbeat. In fact, can I? We’re on TV right now!

Nick: Maybe I’ll dump someone on national TV. Ever think of that?

Andi: Nope.

Nick: What? I don’t have to marry one those bitches just because I’m the Bachelor and ABC is paying me to!

Andi: High five, you bad boy, you! Oh hey, are you going to have sex with all of them in the Fantasy Suite?

Nick: Uh duh, Andi. But probably not all at once. I mean, unless they’re cool with that.

Andi: Know what I think? Who cares? DO IT! Bang ‘em all! You’re dating them! You have three girlfriends! You already met their parents! You’ve been on at least three dates. DO IT! Don’t buy a cow without a test drive. Or, wait, what? Who cares. Just DO IT!

Nick: Wow, Andi! Great advice!

Andi: Right? I’m such a feminist! Roar!

Nick: I’m not sure telling a dude to bang three different women and not care about it is being a feminist, but oh well!

Andi: WHO CARES???

Nick: Sorry I told everyone we slept together and then slut-shamed you for two years.

Andi: Sorry I humiliated you on national television. I mean, I’m sorry. Not regretful. You’re still a loser.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Vanessa couldn’t stop crying, Rachel thought she was falling in love for real this time, Raven was ready to say yes, and PV was feeling vulnerable because after their day of shopping, Nick now knew her “to the core.”

Nick was late to the Rose Ceremony because of his fireside chat with Andi. He made the girls wait on a rooftop deck, freezing in their mega-slit gowns, seriously regretting their choice to go Brazilian.

When he finally arrived, (dressed in all black to exemplify what a slimey bastard he was,) Nick apologized for making them wait, but failed to mention the whole “drinking whiskey with my ex-girlfriend” thing.

PV’s not a cold weather sort of gal.

OMG, PV, is that snot???
OMG, PV, is that snot???

Nick was all blah blah blah, hometowns were fun, families were nice, thanks for cooking all that pasta, sorry everyone hated me. Raven got the first rose which still surprised me. I mean, what the hell? Does her daddy own a television network or something?

Well, it ain't sweat.
Well, it ain’t sweat.

Rachel got the second rose, but we all know that ain’t happening.

And then things got nice and dramatic as Nick was forced to chose between the pretty, kind, intelligent special needs teacher or the vapid, insecure, morally defunct exhibionist. I honestly had no idea which way he would go.

But he chose…

Wait for it…

Wait…

VANESSA!!!!

No way!

PV was going ho ho home! E-jected! Gone Gonorrhea Girl! The penicillin express was leaving the station with only one bleary eyed, bleating, sadsack with a ton of baggage on board.

He had to dump her after imaging his mom's face when PV rolled into Thanksgiving dinner in this outfit.
He had to dump her after imaging his mom’s face when PV rolled into Thanksgiving dinner in this outfit.

PV burst into tears which was weird. Kind of like seeing an iguana cry. She apologized for whatever it was she did wrong.

Wait, what?! She was that girl? The “clearly-I’m-not-good-enough-for-you-so-why-didn’t-I-buy-you-the-cashmere-sweatsuit-instead” girl? Good lord, PV! Your lady parts are allegedly made of a rare, precious metal and you’re apologizing to a guy we’ve seen dumped on TV more times than that weird blue liquid on a maxi pad? Oh girl…

Nick assured her than other than submitting an application to be on this stupid show, she did nothing wrong.

“I’m gonna miss the hell out of your boobs– I mean, you,” he said.

It took all her energy to stay awake, stand up, and stutter, good luck.

Man, she was bawling. Like Raquel-said-no-more-cheesy-noodles bawling! The only thing harder than how she was taking this was the crusty, old dairy products embedded in her cleavage. That’s gonna be a bitch to get off.

As she was stuffed into the backseat of the waiting town car, she immediately got drunker, more revealing, and less coherent. (More so than usual, I mean.) Here’s the highlight reel of her confessions:

“Feels like my heart…like never will be repaired.”

“Why can’t I just have a normal relationship like they do on TV?”

“I’m done trying to show my men how much I worships and support them! Done!”

“Imma jus gonna be me…”

“Not gonna kiss up to a man ever again.”

“I’m so done.”

“And so sleepy.”

“Night, night.”

<<photo>>

Good night, PV. Unlike anything about you, it’s been real.

And bye bye, Brooklyn. It was time to pack up and head to Finland. (I’m so sorry, good people of Finland.) Thankfully PV and her perpetual snotty nose aren’t coming.

Finland wasn’t just snow and vodka. It’s the location for the Fantasy Suite dates, which incidentally was stocked with plenty of snow and vodka. For those who may not know what the Fantasy Suite is, allow me to explain. It’s the most contrived, pseudo-romantic “suite” where the Bachelor/Bachelorette and their remaining contestants can be alone without the cameras. It’s gross and awesome, but unless you’re sleeping with Nick no one knows for sure what goes down in there.

Before their date, Nick donned a parka and wandered around a snowy field looking for clarity. What he discovered was:

  • He and Vanessa still had a lot of questions to answer, superficial ones like, “Where you gonna live?” Also her family was mean.
  • Rachel was the only woman who hadn’t professed her love, but he was sure she’d get there. But if not he would still sleep with her.
  • He wasn’t entirely sure where Raven’s heart was, which might be the stupidest thing this guy ever said. Umm, really, dickhead? Two days ago she was climbing all over in a field of mud and she practically weeps whenever she looks at you. Duh

“Let’s spend the rest of the episode focused on Nick and Raven’s one-on-one date,” said the worst producer ever. Thanks a lot, jerkwad.

Raven was determined this time she would tell Nick she was in love with him. She never told any other guy that before. Well, except Jesus.

Greetings! I am Raven of the Stupid Hat Clan!
Greetings! I am Raven of the Stupid Hat Clan!

They popped into a local pub, drank beer, and played darts while locals seethed in the background. Raven felt like she was in one of those choose your own adventure books where every choice was a “new, great experience!

Yeah, Dumbo, every choice is a “new, great experience” because every choice is choreographed and paid for by a major television network! THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE!

Also, STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR HAIR!

Sorry, I must have been temporarily hypnotized by all that hair twirling because I had no idea how those two ass clowns got on the topic of household chores.

“You’ll cook and I’ll fold clothes!” she squealed.

“I like creases in my pants!” Nick squealed.

“Ew, creases!” Raven squealed.

Oh, you two crazy kids!

But Raven was only focused on Nick’s creased chinos because she needed a distraction from what was really on her mind:

  • Having to tell Nick she loved him
  • Having to have sex with Nick in the Fantasy Suite

Okay this show is gross and all, but sex in the Fantasy Suite isn’t a requirement. Just saying. Also, she casually mentioned in her confessional that she’s only had one sexual partner. Oh and she’s never had an orgasm. (Hi, Raven’s Dad!)

They escape to a cabin in the woods where someone put a lot of effort setting a table and plating food no one will even look at.

If there wasn’t all this fake food on the table I could put my elbows there like a normal person. (IMAGE CREDIT: ABC)

Raven went on a long rambling rant with lots of diversions and tears and stupid metaphors about “never having felt the feelings she was feeling” and every time she talked to him she got a “comfort feeling.” Jesus, take the wheel and make her say it! When she finally blurted out the most anti-climatic “I love you,” ever, Nick thought it was the best professions of love he ever heard. The editors begged to differ.

Raven accepted ABC’s invitation to the Fantasy Suite, but needed to remind Nick of two things:

Raven: So, umm, I’ve only had one sexual partner before. And I beat his ass with a shoe.

Nick: Cool! I’ve only had one sexual partner too…today. Heya!

Raven: Also, I’ve never had an orgasm. So like, no pressure.

Nick: Damn straight, no pressure! You think I care about reciprocation in the bedroom? Oh girl, you got a lot of mud up between those ears.

Alone with a thirty-person camera crew, Nick and Raven settled in and waited for the Northern Lights (not a euphemism.)

Will Raven add a second notch to her belt? Will she finally have an orgasm? Will any of the other remaining girls be dumb enough to sleep with this guy? Will anyone have an orgasm? Probably not. But you’ll have to wait for next week to find out for sure.

The Bachelor, Week 8: Home is Where the Ho Is

The girls were still reeling from the unceremonial dumping of Kirstina. How can Nick dump so many women without a ceremony? (ABC must be saving a ton on roses this season.) The girls are like SO DONE with surprises! I mean, what in the actual hell was going on here? It’s not like ABC was trying to get ratings or something. PV was so freakin’ unstable she had to drink her chardonnay out of a coffee mug.

And then there was a knock on door!

Gasp!

And it was Nick!

Fin-a-effing-ly!

He admitted it was tough to get rid of Kristina because he really “loved” and “respected” her and everyone knew he couldn’t possibly marry a girl like that.

“But you ho’s on the other hand,” he said as he doled out roses. “Hubba hubba!”

Hooray! All four girls were getting hometown dates!

“I am so excited to meet Raquel!” Nick squealed. 

First stop was Hoxie, Arkansas to meet Raven’s coven. She was super excited to show Nick a new side of her: fun and sexy! She demonstrated both (I guess?) by inviting Nick to partake in Hoxie’s favorite activities–mudding, frog farming, and breaking into grain bins.

Mudding is exactly what it sounds like. You climb aboard an ATV and barrel through gigantic, mud-soaked fields and get really muddy.

You can't get away from me, sweet Nick. Seriously. I'm right behind you, dummy.
You can’t get away from me, sweet Nick. Seriously. I’m right behind you, dummy.

They rolled up to a grain bin where “the people of Hoxie leave their secrets.” They got almost the top when wouldn’t you know it? The police showed up.

“What you doing here? You know who owns this here grain bin? You got any ID? You ain’t from around here, are you, sonny boy?”

Nick appeared perplexed and afraid while looking for a producer to, you know, explain things and I was wondering why the cop wasn’t telling the cameras to stop rolling, but whatever. I don’t get arrested much so what do I know? Just as Nick was about to submit to a cavity search, SURPRISE! It was just Raven’s brother! Oh man! You totally got us, Raven’s brother!

“Don’t be kissing on the grain bin!” He warned. “I’ll be watching!”

You will be? EWWWWWW, Raven’s brother! 

After the police fake out, they resumed mudding activities and got good and soaked. Raven stripped Nick down so they could enjoy a nice lil’ biblical wrestle in the mud. Wearing a white t-shirt today was totally a good choice, Raven. Where was that creepy brother now?

Here, let me get you out of those wet, muddy clothes. It's what Jesus would want.
Here, Jesus wouldn’t want you in those wet, muddy clothes…

Nick felt like this was a huge step forward in their relationship. Or wait, maybe he meant this:

Holy muddy make-out! Just the way Jesus would want it.
Holy muddy make-out! Just the way Jesus would want it.

They’d have some serious cleaning up to do before meeting her parents, but first a bit more dirty.

Imma gonna hold you right down here in this here Hoxie mud until you agree to marry me. Think of it less like assault and more like a baptism.
Come on, Nick. Think of it less like assault and more like a baptism.

 As they approached Raven’s parent’s front door, she casually mentioned her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer.

“Oh, umm,” Nick stammered. “I brought flowers.”

Don’t worry, it was only sad for a minute because Raven’s mom announced Dad was just declared cancer free. An actual touching moment ensued.

But so did this weird, fake romance.

Nick was only the second guy Raven had ever brought home, so it was a big deal, y’all!

“Is it weird to think you could be walking me down the aisle to marry that guy in there?” Raven asked her dad.

“Oh girl, so f’ing weird.”

Then Raven had a really sweet chat with her mom.

Raven: I thought he was going to be really arrogant, you know? Like a total toolbag.

Raven’s Mom: That’s what I thought too! I hate his face.

Raven: But then I saw him be really nice to his little sister and I was like, “Oh. He’s cool!”

Raven’s Mom: I trust your judgement!

Nick also had a heart-to-heart with Raven’s dad.

Nick: So how would you feel if your daughter wanted to marry me?

Raven’s Dad: Pretty shitty!

Nick: I care about her a lot. She’s definitely in my top four.

Raven’s Dad: Well, I admit, I wasn’t expecting to like you. I mean, you’re kind of a loser. But I guess I’d rather her marry you than the cheating bastard she beat up with her shoe.

Raven left her family feeling reassured and hopeful and decided the time was right to tell Nick she’d totally say yes if he wanted to propose to her.

“I have no reservations,” she said. And then promptly beat herself up for not saying, “I love you.” I mean, Nick’s not that smart. What if he didn’t get what she meant? Great. Now she’d probably be the only girl left who hadn’t said it! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Next it was off to Dallas to meet Rachel’s family. After a huggy, kissy reunion on a sidewalk, Rachel whisked Nick off to a gospel church filled with black people because she wanted Nick to be “super comfortable.”

Yep. Super confortable.
Yep. Super confortable.

Even though this church was different from his church back home (wait. what?) he had an amazing time. So amazing that Nick was ready to spend every Sunday being the only white guy in Rachel’s church.

Unfortunately Rachel’s dad wasn’t home due to “work obligations” (READ: Deep seated humiliation and disgust) but Nick did get to meet her mom, aunt, sisters and WHITE-ASS brother-in-law!

“You don’t need to have black skin,” Rachel said. “But you need to have thick skin.”

Her sister and white brother-in-law grilled Rachel and Nick first.

“Is Rachel the first black girl you’ve ever dated?” White brother-in-law asked.

“Well, define ‘dated.’ I mean, I sleep with black girls all the time. Or at least I did twice.”

Rachel’s mom was also curious about Nick’s history with black women. She also shared advice she imparted on her daughters.

“Always look for red flags in relationships,” she said. “So Nick, what are Rachel’s red flags?”

“Uh, uh, uh…other than wanting to marry me? I mean, that’s a pretty huge red flag, don’t you think?”

Finally Nick jetted off to Miami to meet the weird ass mutants that spawned such a debaucherous egomaniac who can’t keep her clothes on. Nick was super excited to be in Miami. He had no clue what PV had in store for him, but knowing her he figured it probably would involve nudity and pubic lice.

Because she really wanted Nick to get to know “her true essence”, and because she’s a superficial, conceited twitwit, the date she planned was a tour of all the places she felt most at home–a very upscale shopping mall where it’s common to put on fancy clothes and dry hump in front of the mannequins.

 

 

$1,700 earmuffs just get me so damn hot!
“Oh, Nick, $1,700 earmuffs just get me so damn hot!” “Oh, PV, you’re hot because you’re wearing earmuffs in Miami!” 

Nick was blown away by the fact every single sales associate knew her intimately and the $1,400 sweatsuit she made him try on. She wanted Nick to look good when meeting her parents so she bought him an outfit costing more than an entire year of spray tans for the Miami University cheerleading team.

You guys, the outfit cost $3,423!!!

You guys, she paid for it!

You guys, he let her!

Once she had Nick outfitted properly, she made a tiny confession: She loved him! Oh puke. They consummated her egregious and highly inappropriate declaration with a sloppy makeout session outside a fake Parisian mall bistro.

Wow. PV has some serious sun damage.

But anyway…

PV’s parents looked like nice, cuddly, friendly adults who other than Nick’s mom and dad were the only parents who had any concern over Nick’s inability to meet a woman outside of televised game shows.

And yes, Nick finally got to meet RAQUEL!

You can save me! You can get me out of here! Get me to Chris Harrison!
Marry her! Just please get her the eff’ing hell away from me!

PV: The other girls made fun of me because I have a nanny.

PV’s Mom: How they hell did they find out you had a nanny?

PV: I told them.

PV’s Dad: You dumbass!

PV’s Mom: I hope you also told them Raquel is a valued and loved part of our family and has been for seventeen years. RAQUEL! I’m hungry! Serve faster, please. And be a dear and put some of these olives on my fork for me. You know I hate round food. See? FAMILY!

PV’s Dad sat her down and asked some “serious questions.”

PV’s Dad: What the eff is going on here?

PV: I love him!

PV’s Dad: For the love of god don’t tell him that!

PV: I already did!

PV’s Dad: It’s been like six days! What the hell is wrong with you!?

PV: I love him! He’d be my soulmate if I had a soul.

Dad: What’s his job?

PV: Who the hell cares? There’s no time to work when you’re always on reality TV shows.

Dad: Are you okay being the breadwinner? And have him stay home with your kids?

PV: Sure, Dad. Stop asking me questions like none of this is normal!

Later, PV’s dad and Nick enjoyed some fine scotch and another line of questioning.

PV’s Dad: You may have noticed my daughter is a superficial, materialistic little troll. I may have had something to do with that. But now she’s gonna be your problem! You ready for that?

Nick: Sure! I mean, as long as she stays super slutty and never develops any of those annoying traits like modesty or decency.

PV’s Dad: Oh sure, no chance of that happening. But you kind of need…you know…a job. What’s next for you?

Nick: I’ve got lots of irons in the fire. And by irons and fire I’m talking about my penis and the the other girls amirite!?

PV’s Dad: Cheers to that! But what’s gonna be your J.O.B., dumbass!?

Nick: There are lots of things I can do like Celebrity Rehab, Marriage Boot Camp, maybe Celebrity Boxing.

Last trip was off to Montreal to meet Vanessa’s family and her adorable students who clearly loved her. They were holding signs and handing her roses and bawling because they missed her so much. Nick was like, “BOOOORING! Do you like my new sweater? It cost more than Vanessa’s six-month earnings!”

The crew spent the afternoon creating scrapbook pages of Nick and Vanessa’s most favorite memories. Oh look! There’s Vanessa puking into Nick’s mouth! And there she is crying and doubting her value as a human being in front of a roaring fire.

Next stop was to meet Vanessa’s mother’s side of the family at Nonna’s house where 15 people sat around the most gigantic table ever set. Food was piled high, but no one cared because they all had deep, probing questions for the happy couple like:

Where will you live if he picks you?

“Oh, you know,” Vanessa answered. “I’m sure we’ll live somewhere. I don’t really want to pressure him.”

Hmm. Vanessa’s aunt started to get a sense that perhaps Nick and Vanessa don’t really…you know… talk.

Vanessa’s mom had a different line of questioning for Nick.

Mom: What do you like about my daughter?

Nick: Oh, I liked her as soon as she got out of the limo. I mean, va va va voom, riiiiiiight?

Mom: Well, you’re as gross as I thought you would be.

Vanessa’s sister was having none of it.

“Have you talked about real things?” she grilled Nick. “Like how you both live in different countries? Like where you want to live? Like what your job will be if you have to move? Like why you want to marry her?”

“Ew, sister!” Nick answered. “That kind of boring shit is what married people talk about!”

Not completely satisfied with that answer, Vanessa’s sister promised that if Nick hurt her sister, she would hate him forever. That made Nick cry.

I had no idea Canada was such a sad, sad place where everyone is so level-headed and logical. I hate it here.
I had no idea Canada was such a sad, sad place where everyone is so level-headed and logical. I hate it here.

Meanwhile Vanessa was chatting with her much younger and savier brother.

“What will you do for work? Where will you live? What the hell does he do for a living? Why do you want to marry this guy?

“Ugh! Enough with the logical questions! Who cares where people live! We’ll talk about living situations when the time is right, okay?”

All those questions really put a damper on things and they hadn’t even visited her dad yet! That visit went something like this:

Vanessa’s Dad: Why is my daughter more special than all those other bimbos?

Nick: She’s hot! And she makes me feel safe. And umm.. I like her brown hair.

Vanessa’s Dad: But do you respect her?

Nick: Come again?

Vanessa’s Dad: Will you treat her like a lady, you stupid flytrap?

Nick: Ooooh, you know it! So can I have your blessing?

Dad: Are you f’ing crazy? What did her mom say?

Nick: I didn’t ask because I did not care for her particular line of questioning.

Dad: So you want to get engaged to my daughter? Is that what you’re telling me?

Nick: Well no, because I’m still dating three other girls.

Dad: So what the hell does it mean to want my blessing?

Nick: Umm that you…don’t totally hate me?

Dad: Right. Okay, I guess!

Vanessa’s Dad told her Nick asked for his blessing, which at once made Vanessa all hopeful and then concerned. Was he asking all the other parents the same thing? Does he actually like those other girls???

The group returned to Brooklyn for the rose ceremony, because why not? All of the girls with the exception of PV were feeling insecure and having doubts about saying (or not saying) I love you. Just as Nick was deep in a faux thoughtfulness on a balcony overlooking Manhattan, there was a knock on the door. It was ANDI!  You know, the first of three women to dump him on national television. WHY WAS SHE THERE? To pay tribute to the GIANT BULLET SHE DODGED or just to make fun of him? I guess we’ll have to wait to find out. What’s with all these cliffhangers, ABC?! It’s not like this is the most boring season ever and you have to manufacture the drama. Oh…right. 

 

The Bachelor, Week 6: Can I Walk You Out?

After a pretty snoozy previous week I was ready for some epic showdowns. While I wouldn’t say there were showdowns, there were definitely “show you the doors,” which is almost as good.

The episode opened with the girls pondering what could possibly have happened in the bayou on the dreaded two-on-one. Did Nick cast PV off to the nearest walk-in clinic or was Taylor forced to seek comfort with her PhD and giant dictionary? WHO WAS GOING HOME?!

Their sad suitcases sat by the front door until the unamed, unspoken production assistant was sent in to fetch them. The girls held their breath as the PA pretended to not know which bag to take, drawing out the agony of suspense for a good three and a half seconds before finally settling on Taylor’s bag. The remaining girls gasped! How the hell did that slimy, stunted boob slip by for another week?

While Nick and PV enjoyed their alone time, Taylor was on the stomp of shame, heading right to the non-restaurant they were dining at. By golly she was determined to use as many big words as she could to let Nick know she was the victim of lies and manipulation. I mean, if Nick sent her packing because she was boring or condescending or lacking any positive personality traits, then FINE. Been there, done that. But she was not a bully!

Some women take off their earrings. Some take off their bras.
Some women take off their earrings before sparring. Some take off their bras.

When Taylor walked in, Nick and PV did a horrible job pretending to be surprised. PV’s drunkeness looked totally authentic though. 

PV: What the BLEEEEEEEEEEEP is she doing here?”

Taylor (to PV): You lied.

PV: Uh, duh.

Taylor (to Nick): You were lied to.

Nick: No shit.

Taylor: I care about you as a person. When you’re lied to it’s not respectful. She’s making me look bad. It’s MY job to make me look bad, not hers! How dare she take that away from me!

Nick: Honey, you look so bad right now and it’s all you. I promise!

Taylor: Quit trying to seduce me! It’s over! Open your eyeballs! I’M NOT WEARING A BRA!

Nick: I really appreciate you leaving your undergarments in the bayou and taking the time to tell me this. I have nothing but respect for you and everyone knows I can’t possibly date a woman I respect. Please leave. For real, this time.

PV  tried to be a supportive psychopathic trophy wife who pitied her man and those crazy bitches he kept having to fend off, but talking was so icky.

“Let’s make out!” she said, ramming his face into her mouth.”

Later, Nick confessed he still saw potential with PV.

“Oh wait,” he said. “Did I say potential? I meant nipples! Oh ha, sorry! I SEE NIPPLES WITH PV!”

In her confessional, PV slurred something about cats having nine lives, but bitches had two. Was she confusing “lives” with “personalities?” Because if so she’s not giving herself enough credit.

“Don’t ever call me a liar in front my boyfriend!” she screamed.

The girls arrived for the  rose ceremony by way of horse drawn carriage, but their giddiness soon soured when a very solemn Chris Harrison told them there would be no pre-ceremony cocktail party.

“Nick knows exactly what he wants to do,” he said.

You know what I want to do? Make out with this here rose. And get wasted.
Like hell there won’t be a cocktail party! Tell that to my blood alcohol content!

Jasmine burst into tears because without the cocktail party she wouldn’t have time to tell Nick how she really felt. And lemme tell you, she was feeling PISSED! Why hasn’t she had a one-on-one? Why doesn’t he talk to her? Why hasn’t he proposed to her yet? Why does she have to be the alternate African American girl?

But the Universe loves affirmative action and gave Jasmine a reprieve. Instead Nick sent home Jaime, the drag queen, and Alexis whom I will truly miss.

Jaime said she had no regrets. She’s probably only going to date women after this anyway.

No regrets, Jaime? Not even that lipstick?
No regrets, Jaime? Not even that lipstick?

Alexis blamed her ousting on the fact that she wasn’t vulnerable enough. Then she burst out crying.

The remaining girls and Nick toasted the next stop on the Bachelor tour: THE ISLAND OF ST. THOMAS! Nick was super excited because according his calculations, this was the week he would start falling in love.

Kristina the Russian got the first one-on-one date.

As her and Nick took off in a seaplane, the other girls waved and blew kisses. Except Jasmine who was bawling on a street corner.

“It’s hurtful,” she said. “Watching the man you saw your future with take off with someone else.”

Nick was determined to find out everything there was to know about Kristina. He started pestering her, the girl who grew up in an orphanage, about family.

Kristina: I have 9 siblings.

Nick: Wow. So there’s 10 of you?

Kristina: No. Maybe 8.

Nick: So, 9 including you?

Kristina: No. I don’t know. But I have a sister in Russia. Let’s drink!

But Nick really wanted to press on about her life in the orphanage and nail down how many god damn siblings she had and wouldn’t stop until he got Kristina to tell this really heartwarming tale about how one day when she was little she was so hungry she ate lipstick. Then when she was five her mom got mad at her for something and sent Kristina to the orphanage. The end. Or something like that. I was too sad to keep listening. Nick cried big, droopy man tears as he gave her the rose and all the food off his plate, some cash, and a few credit cards. Later a steel drum band played Ave Maria so they could awkwardly sway like white people, under a gazebo.

Back the resort, the conversation was a lot more peppy!

Vanessa: Did you know St. Thomas was once owned by Denmark?

Other girls: No. Wow.

Annnnnnnnnd scene.

Suddenly there was  a knock! Was it a date card? Or Chris Harrison? Or another production assistant to snatch someone’s suitcase? No! It was a maid! PV was ecstatic and immediately began shouting orders at her.

“My dress is wrinkley!

“I’m hungry!”

“Do you have any lobster dip?”

“Fix my towel!”

“DO YOU WANT TO COME TO AMERICA WITH ME?”

Jasmine was pissed off because her name was on the group date card. Whitney and one of the Danielle’s would be going on a two-on-one. They were paralyzed with fear.

Nick thought the group date would be a fun, casual day at the beach. They drank, played corn hole, and then he forced the girls to play beach volleyball for his enjoyment. PV, not a team player, was super bored so she left to try out some other sports.

PV's sport of choice. What? Shooting is totally a sport!
What? Shooting is totally a sport!

For once the other girls agreed with PV. No one liked volleyball. NO ONE! As the welts rose on the inside of their wrists, that stupid white ball made the girls question EVERYTHING. Why was Nick paying so much attention to PV? Why did he think a good date involved competitive beach sports? WHY WERE THEY ON TV TRYING TO MARRY THIS GUY?

Shit started to get real real. Especially Jasmine’s shit.

“If jasmine were a vegetable she’d be a turnip because she’s turned all the way up.” Good one, Raven. But why would you say that?

Oh.

Bitch, down!
Bitch, this ain’t volleyball. It’s a HO DOWN! Now stay there!

Holy shit, Jasmine! Did you just shove PV into the sand? I think I love you!

Rachel and Vanessa were the next ones to hit the proverbial showers. Rachel didn’t feel valued and refused to compete for Nick’s attention. (Rachel? I appreciate the sentiment, but you did sign up for a game show where you compete for some rando’s attention. Just sayin’.) Vanessa thought the whole thing was gross and annoying and too much of a metaphor for her life should she end up with Nick. One by one, the remaining girls went down like the Rum Runners PV had for breakfast. Each girl found her own private swath of sand and cried. Slow clap for Nick’s awesome date?

“I think the idea of having a nice relaxing date might have backfired,” Nick concluded, while peeing in the ocean.

Later, Nick doled out glasses of alcohol and apologized for making everyone play volleyball and cry. During their alone time, each girl told Nick how freakin’ miserable they were and if they didn’t truly believe they had a shot at being the next Bachelorette, they’d have beat feet weeks ago.

Jasmine was a freakin’ ticking time bomb. She was happy to accept glasses of alcohol, but not the fact that Nick didn’t try to spend as much time as possible with her. She wanted to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE because she liked him so much. She won’t shut up about WHAT SHE NEEDS. Nick needs to DO THINGS FOR HER! All the other girls were like, Ho, shut it. We’re all drunk and desperate too. You ain’t special!

Finally Nick pulled her aside for what he thought was some good old-fashioned getting to ho you. But umm, not really.

Jasmine: Why’d you bring me to St. Thomas? I’ve been to St. Thomas. Don’t you dare overlook me!

Nick: To be fair, I didn’t bring you to St. Thomas. ABC did, but…

Jasmine: I love you so much I want to choke your face off.

Nick: Umm…

Jasmine: I ain’t here for vacation! I’m so confused. Why won’t you talk to me?

Nick: Because you’re a bit of a ding a’ ling to be honest and I’m afraid you’re gonna choke my face off.

Jasmine: I like you a lot. I see a future with you. I really do.

Nick: Is that future in the waiting room of a psychotherapist’s office? Because I see that too.

Jasmine: OOOOOOH I JUST WANT TO CHOKE YOU SO BAD!

Nick: Ha ha hahahahhaha

Jasmine: Oh, not in a sexulal way! Don’t worry. In the murdery way!

Nick: Oh good! Hahahahahaha

Jasmine: I just want to throw your ass down and be like UGH!

Nick: Oh! Right! Ugh!

Jasmine: Like this. I want to put you in the chokey!

Nick: Oh it has a name! Cute!

Jasmine: Want me to? I’ll do it right now! Want me to? Huh? WHY ARE YOU OVERLOOKING ME!?

Nick: It’s been super fun but it’s time to say goodbye. Can I walk you out? Can security walk me, walking you out?

So I grab you by the jugular like this. And then I squeeeeeeeeeeeze until you turn blue and I can hear your little bird bones crust beneath my fingers. That's a "chokey!"
So I grab you by the jugular like this. And then I squeeeeeeeeeeeze until you turn blue and I can hear your little bird bones crust beneath my fingers. That’s a “chokey!”

Jasmine, having returned to her body from the murderous astral-plane she was visiting moments ago, appeared confused. Wait. Why was he letting her go? Chokey just a jokey!

“He didn’t give me a chance,” she reasoned. “I came here to fall in love with someone. Anyone. Mr. producer, are you single? IS ANYONE SINGLE!”

Nick felt like perhaps he was going in the wrong direction with these women and was beginning to lose confidence in the process. Oh, Nick, now you loose confidence? Not the first time you were dumped at the alter? Or the second? Or when the guy you were dumped for the first time took another girl from you in Paradise? You’re losing confidence now? One might say…oh, what’s the word…FINALLY!

But Nick somehow mustered enough energy to go on his two-on-one date. Like any good two-on-one, this date involved a remote location, a helicopter, and rented patio furniture.

We have this furniture for 6 hours so if you want to hang out after Nick dumps you, go right ahead.
We have this furniture for six hours so if you want to hang out here after Nick dumps you, feel free!

Nick spent two minutes talking to Whitney and three minutes talking to Danielle before deciding he needed to send Whitney home. Or rather, leave Whitney on the deserted beach while he and Danielle flew off in the chopper.

Whitney was perplexed. Instead of using words to find the reasoning, she used her eyes.

So what part of "I'm a pilates instructor" do you not like, numb nuts?
So what part of “I’m a pilates instructor” do you not like, numb nuts?

The date continued for Danielle and Nick who dined in a fort that was formerly a prison. Moved by all the mason jar votives in this fort-prison, Danielle admitted she could totally see herself falling in love with Nick. Nick pulled a Whitney and used a penetrating stare to communicate, “What the actual F are you talking about, girl?” Not awkward at all. Nope.

Nick: Yeah, so I’m not really into falling in love with anyone tonight. If I was going to do that I’d have chosen Whitney. Did you know she’s a pilates instructor. I mean… HELLO!

Really Nick felt bad because this was the second dumbass to say they were falling for him and he wasn’t feeling the same. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON? Old Nick would have been dumped three times by now!

Nick was struck with a powerful realization that perhaps he’s the problem. Maybe he can’t reciprocate the same kind of love. Maybe he needs to be the dummy who is too available. Maybe, like Ben Higgins, he was unlovable! MY GOD. WAS HE BROKEN? 

Nah, he’s fine. Danielle was the problem so he sent her packing. Wait until Whitney sees her at the airport!

As Danielle pondered what the hell just happened, she thought, maybe he’s not perfect. But no. That would be weird. I guess she’ll never know.

When another producer came to fetch Danielle’s suitcase, the girls who remembered to take their laxatives, crapped a chardonnay brick. What the F was going on up in this virginal island? You expect this kind of wonky witchery in NOLA, but here?

No sooner had the wine sloshed out of their goblets and onto their cutoffs, did Nick barge in and start crying.

Ah, go home, Nick, you’re drunk!

He started blubbering about being honest and how he used to be so optimistic and now he’s afraid he’ll mess up every single one of these fake relationships.

“I want it to be real, I want it to be right, I just don’t know if I can keep doing this,” he said.

Seriously, dude, I’m kind of with you. If a superficial douche-bagel like you can’t fake it with a hot pilates instructor, you should probably hang up your Varvatos ties now. But that’s just me.

After Nick made that not-at-all cryptic speech he bolted, leaving the girls in tears and confusion, or for many of them, just another Tuesday night at home.

“HE’S GONE!” Raven shouted.

“OH NO!” The rest of the girls screamed.

TO BE CONTINUED! I yelled.

] Will Nick come back? Will he come to his senses? Does he have senses? Will he toss the remaining 6 girls and get 6 new ones? Is that allowed? And most importantly, will PV don her trusty Carmen Slutdiego trench coat and stilettos and finally consummate her non-relationship with Nick? And then will she bite his head off? I hope so!

Tune in next week!

 

The Bachelor, Week 5: Later, Gator Haters!

Week five of The Bachelor was so uninspiring I thought about not doing a recap. But then what the hell would I do with these 8 pages of notes?

It started off promising. Chris Harrison said we were about to witness, “The most anticipated showdown of the season!” YES! Bring it!

Err…really, Chris? I love ya, buddy, but come on. We’ve both witnessed our fair share of showdowns.  You decide.

The Scene: Two women in their early 20’s, basking in the glow of a roaring chimnea, arguing about the definition of emotional intelligence.

Taylor: Lots of girls are questioning your maturity, PV.

PV: Oh, okay, well that makes sense. But maturity is totally different than emotional intelligence.

Taylor: No, it’s not.

PV: I’m marrying a guy I met on TV. How’s that for intelligence! Also, you’re gross.

Taylor: Actually maturity and emotional intelligence go hand in hand.

PV: Unlike you and Nick! He’ll never hold your hand the way he HELD MY BOOBS! Because you’re gross!

Taylor: I can’t argue with you. You’re way too stupid. This is the lamest showdown ever.

PV: No, I’m not! Stop talking like you’re some kind of mental health counselor!

Taylor: I am a mental health counselor.

PV: Yeah, a gross one! I want to know what yerrrrrrrrrr…perspective on emotional intelligence is.

Taylor: That’s what I’ve been telling you.

PV: Ugh! I can’t believe people pay you for advice!

Taylor: That’s not what I do actually.

PV: BECAUSE YOU’RE THE GROSSEST!!! And you don’t say hi to people! When you see someone in the kitchen and then in the bathroom, you should say hi again!

Taylor: That’s just dumb!

PV: So you do admit you genuinely ignore people! I knew it! I’m gonna school you!

PV didn’t so much as school Taylor as ran to Nick telling him what a big, gross bully Taylor was.

“I’m not going to be fake or a liar right now,” she said. (Always a good opening.) Then pretended to be hurt because Taylor “isn’t nice” and “ignores people.” Also PV was really worried about Nick.

“She’s rude, Nick. About…things. And she feels very…oh what’s that word they keep using to describe me…umm…oh! Entitled! She’s totally not here for the right reasons.”

Nick appreciated her candidness and encouraged her to continue showing that maturity. And by maturity he meant, boobs. Duh.

The only thing better than Rachel's cheesy noodles is throwing a bitch under the bus.
Mmmm….victory. Tastes just like Raquel’s cheesy noodles.

Nick thanked the girls for standing outside, in winter, in the midwest, in sequined thongs and having “honest conversations.” He left them with a swath of blanket to fight over while he ran off to deliberate who would still be in the running to be the third woman he proposed to on national TV.

PV was confident the Taylor ship had been cast from Nick’s manscaped shores.

“Hashtag winning!” she gloated.

Hashtag shut the hell up, PV!

Kristina, the Russian hygienist was not impressed with petty squabbling.

“Both those bitches should go home,” she said. “Or return to the barn and fight to the death like we do in my country.”

As the roses were doled out, we saw girls await their names with increasing discomfort. Was it the fear Nick would send them home or how painful it is to have cold sequins pressed into your lady parts. With only two roses and four girls left, including Taylor and PV, THE STAKES WERE NEVER HIGHER. My goodness, who will get those last two roses? I’ll tell you. PV got the second to last rose because Nick will not be satisfied until he has all the STDs. And of course Taylor was apathetically offered the last rose. NO WAY!

Astrid and Sarah were sent packing. Astrid was like, “Later, dude!” but Sarah was super disappointed. Love was the only thing she wanted in her life and the only thing she couldn’t get. “HOW DO I GET LOVE?????” she sobbed.

Umm, like that, Sarah. Just like that. You cry your guts out to a production crew who gets cash bonuses for making girls like you cry, while wearing a T.J. Maxx evening gown with the tags still attached, in front of a rented California mansion about a “relationship” that wouldn’t last longer than a peeled banana on a kitchen counter. You look totally desirable right now! HASHTAG WINNING!

Post-ceremony Nick announced the whirlwind adventure would continuing in New Orleans, which scared the holy shit out of Raven.

“What if someone buys a voodoo doll or something?!”

As the girls settled into their new penthouse digs, Chris Harrison arrived to lay out the week’s date plan.

One one-on-one date!

One group date!

and…

The dreaded two-on-one date!

Oh! Maybe that would be the most anticipated showdown?

Rachel and Nick’s one-on-one kicked off at an outdoor market where vendors schlepped petrified gator heads and amethyst pendants– the perfect backdrop for the heavy making-out that took place there. But things didn’t heat up fast enough for Nick who is used to girls just handing him their bare boobs first six seconds into a date so he shoved an oyster down poor Rachel’s face. Next they sampled hot sauce and had another make-out session. Something worked because  Nick declared they had the most “explosive chemistry.” I’m pretty sure he was talking about diarrhea.

Later they cooled things off by rubbing beignets all over their bodies. Never having had one before Nick thought the proper way to eat it was to fill his man pores with powder sugar and try to suck it back out with his tongue.

 

Actually, Rachel, this is not fun. It's actually kind of gross, k?
“Like this?”

Then they jumped in a Second Line– a traditional New Orleans parade–for a little booty shaking and pavement twerking.

“This is so fun!” Rachel gushed. “I haven’t danced in a second line since I was here for a funeral two months ago!”

The other girls could see the explosive chemistry from their penthouse window and it made Jasmine sad. It’s clear Nick only needs to keep one African American girl to not look like a total racist and clearly it wasn’t going to be her. At least she’d be able to take some high quality toiletries with her when she inevitably goes.

After a bit more white boy dancing and day drinking, Rachel revealed a sideboob and the fact she was on the best date of her life. And then Nick escorted her to an abandoned Mardi Gras float warehouse for dinner. Totally not creepy AT ALL!

No, YOU just shit a brick!
No, YOU just shit a brick!

Rachel talked about her dad who happened to be a federal judge.

“So he’s, like, intimidating?” Nick asked.

“He can be.”

“Ew. Do I have to call him sir?”

Back at the penthouse, the girls anxiously awaited the group date card because if your name ain’t on it, to the Thunderdome you go! I bet you have NO IDEA WHO THE TWO IDIOTS GOING ON THE TWO-ON-ONE DATE COULD BE, DO YOU?! 

But first we must suffer through an incredibly boring group date at a haunted plantation house. Here’s another dramatic reenactment:

Boo (the caretaker): Our house is haunted by Mae, an 8 year-old girl who died of scarlet fever. Please don’t touch her stuff. Especially not her doll. Okay, thanks!

Raven: Oh hell no! Little Ghost Girl, I rebuke you in the same of Jesus! GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!

Jasmine: I have no time for greedy spirits. Bitch, no one wants your damn doll! But if you have any of those beignets I tasted in Nick’s beard, it’s game on!

Girl 1: Oh look, a ouija board!

Girl 2: Yay! Let’s ask it questions!

Girl 3: Will Nick get engaged soon?

Girl 4: Who is having a herpes outbreak RIGHT NOW?

Girl 5: Is Mae with us?

LIGHTS OUT!

All the girls: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

And then a whole bunch of fake, scary things happened including Nick spiriting each girl away and making out with them on the lawn. He made it a point to spend a little extra time ramming his tongue down one of the Danielle’s faces because he was pretty sure he liked her a few weeks ago, but couldn’t remember a damn thing about her.

I couldn’t either.

And then a darling little scene happened between Raven and Nick:

Raven: I just knew I was in love with you when you sang that song from The Little Mermaid!

Nick: Uh…uh…did I? That’s…interesting.

Oh, Raven.

The questionable Danielle got the date rose. No one cared.

Back at hotel PV was getting into the “right mindset” for her cagematch.

The platinum! IT BURNS!
The platinum! IT BURNS!

“She thinks she’s smarter than me,” PV snarled, while shoving $600 worth of room service into her face. “She’s so stupid.”

If she were really so smart she’d be eating all this food and charging it to one of the Danielle bitches.
If she were really so smart she’d be eating all this food and charging it to one of those Danielle bitches.

Rachel entertained herself by pretending to care what happened to either girl.

Rachel: Just be confident. Or whatever. I really don’t care. Bitches be bitches.

PV: I just hope Nick sees my golden heart.

Rachel: And your platinum vagine?

PV: Oh, girl, he’s seen that. You wanna?

And then for no reason other than she really wants me to track her down and give her a good, old throat punch, PV shouted, “MAKE AMERICA CORINE AGAIN!”

The dreaded two-on-one date took place at an alligator-infested bayou where one girl would become gator feed and the other would leave with Nick. You decide who the real loser is.

Taylor’s game plan was to treat the date like a one-on-one with a small side of PV.

“If he actually picks her, umm, ew,” she said. “He’s obviously thinking with his BLEEEEEEEEP.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ARE A MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR AND YOU JUST REALIZED THIS! Jeesh. Maybe PV was right.

They departed on a tiny, tippable boat helmed by the by-product of a Duck Dynasty and Alaskan Bush People reality show love child.

On shore they nearly stepped on a spine (yes, a spine) before jumping into a voodoo ceremony straight out of American Horror Story. Here they met a real life voodoo priestess who took one look at Nick and decided there wasn’t enough chicken blood and sage in the world to cleanse that under-aura.

“Get ready to be revealed,” the priestess said.

PV shouted, “READY!” and took off her shirt.

The priestess escorted them to a psychic set up at a tiny IKEA bistro table perched upon some animal carcuses and poison ivy. The producers went all out for this one.

Taylor had the first reading.

“There is someone around you who is very nasty, lots of toxic energy, kind of a ho?” said the reader said. “You know anyone like that?”

No disrespect to the psychic arts, but can I get a big NO SHIT, SVENGALI! Do you watch the show or did you get a whiff of the ol’ penicillin villain over there?

Meanwhile Nick was pulling bugs out of PV’s hair extensions while she whined about the “situation” in the house.

PV: She emotionally attacked me. She said I was immature! She called me stupid!

Nick: But honey, you are all of those things.”

PV: Oh, I know, but I also have a nanny who makes me cheesy pasta and can cut my cucumbers like tiny matchsticks. I mean, how freakin’ cool is that? You want my cucumber matchsticks, Nick. You want them real bad.

When it was PV’s turn with the psychic she tried real hard to feign interest, but readings–psychic or otherwise–aren’t  really her jam.

Psychic: Girl, something reeks like dirty alligator swampiness and lemme tell you, it ain’t the dirty alligator swamp.

PV: Probably that gross bitch, Taylor.

Psychic: OMG, you’re dumb as a petrified alligator turd. Back away from my cheapass bistro table before I snap one of these legs and beat you with it. Any questions?”

PV: Yes. Do you have a voodoo doll I could have? One that looks a lot like Taylor?

Psychic: I do! Enjoy!

Taylor rejoined PV at the bistro table while Nick presumably deliberated.

Taylor: I can’t believe you used your time with Nick to rat me out.

PV: Do you by chance have a sharp pain anywhere near your heart right now?

Taylor: You can’t have a relationship based on whipped cream and lies.

PV: How are you possibly a mental health counselor?

Taylor: How can you possibly run a multi-million dollar company?

PV: Once again, I have a nanny, ya dumbass! I don’t do shit! 

Nick sat down and lamented about what a hard choice this was having to choose between an intelligent, educated (albeit annoying) woman with a PhD and a girl-woman bimbo whose boobs have had more screentime than a toddler on a cross-country flight.

Of course Nick handed the rose to PV. I mean, OF COURSE! Jesus, Nick. I just can’t even…

Taylor was so grossed out she didn’t even notice Nick, PV, PV’s voodoo doll and the scary boat skipper took off down the bayou without her. A-ho, Matey!

Several hours later, the psychic came back to pack up her table and tell Taylor to get the hell out of here. It was nighttime but thankfully voodoo cleansing rituals require a lot of fire because the priestesses were super easy to spot in the dead of night. Taylor threw herself into the middle of their circle and received a complimentary soul cleansing complete with a smokey sage bath and tambourines clanging in her face. Her confidence rose like a phoenix from the ashes. She was a water sign, dammit! She was emotionally intelligent! She won’t go home without speaking her piece!

So was this going to be the most anticipated showdown of the season? I’m so confused.

Back on the mainland, PV and Nick enjoyed a candlelit dinner in a location definitely not a restaurant. PV was so happy the negative energy was gone and apparently didn’t need a bunch of voodoo priestesses to banish it.

PV: I’m so glad we’re alone! I’m so glad you trust me. I’m glad I showed my boobs on TV. And I’m glad we’re alone!

Nick: Boobs are great!

PV: I’m so glad we’re alone! Why do the producers keep making me say that?

Cut to a freshly minted, but still furious Taylor stomping along the sidewalk. Hell hath no fury like a woman abandoned in a bayou. Her chakras are clean and mean and done with peen (yes, I had to. #sorrynotsorry.) Nick was about to get an over-articulated, multisyllabic dressing down from Thesaurus Rex.

THIS must be the most anticipated showdown of the season! But wait– to be continued! YOU RAT BASTARDS!

Good thing you only have to wait a few hours for the next episode. See? I did you solid by being 6 days late with this recap.

Will Week 6 be the end of PV? Will Taylor say anything Nick actually understands? Will anyone wear a cardboard Nicolas Cage mask? Oh come on! Like that would happen!

Face off! Seriously! TAKE YOUR FACE OFF!!!!
Face Off. Seriously! TAKE YOUR FACE OFF!!!!

The Bachelor, Week 4: A Treat for the Teats

Oh man, it’s going to be so sad when the producers finally let Nick send PV home. But until then…

Episode 4 opened with the girls talking smack about PV. She’s immature, she travels with her own portable bouncy house. She’s not ready to be a wife. She doesn’t even know how to make toast.

But where was she?

I love vodka, yes I do, I love rum and tequila too.
I love vodka, yes I do, I love rum and tequila too.

Oh right. 

Then there was Vanessa begging Nick for validation. Does he like her or does he like PV? Because clearly he can’t like them both. I mean, do you like syphilis and stupidity or…not?

“Imma gonna shove this rose up your ass if you’re wasting my time,” Vanessa declared.

“Or you could just keep it to smack me with when I’m being all dumb and shit,” Nick offered.

Vanessa walked away confident that Nick wasn’t buying the anti-PV propaganda she was selling.

Oh girl, have you never watched this damn show? The villain doesn’t leave before Week 5! Smack him!

Frustrated by the lack of dry heaving and bare breasts in the house, two of the girls went to wake up PV and drag her ass downstairs.

“Huh, what?” PV asked all rumpled and confused. “Is it a school day? I don’t wanna go, Raquel!”

“You’re entitled! You’re privileged! You’re selfish! Now come downstairs and hang out with us!”

PV didn’t know if those were good adjectives or bad adjectives, but erred on the side of people seemed to really despise her.

“I ain’t entitled, bitches! I’m goddamn shitfaced! Can’t you tell the difference between an overindulged brat princess and a drunk chick? Girls are such haters!”

Just before roses were handed out, Nick thanked the girls for being so patient and open with him.

“I appreciate each and every one of you telling me what a crusty, immature, incompentent, spoiled baby ho-bag PV is, but she’s totally getting a rose this week!  Good night, bitches!”

For whatever reason everyone except ALL OF AMERICA was shocked.

“She’s just a physical connection,” one of them blathered.

“What the hell does he want in a partner?” another questioned.

Ladies, lemme explain those things for you:

She’s just a physical connection: Duh.

What the hell does he want in a partner? See above.

Eliminated Crying Girl in Red Dress #1 bawled in the driveway. She was so ready to fall in love, dammit! Now what????????????

Eliminated Crying Girl in Red Dress #2 had been single for so long and now she was convinced she’ll never find love. I mean, if you can’t find it here, you can’t find it anywhere. And to think she used to make fun of girls who cried on this dumb show!

As the remaining girls and Nick brought it in for a big, sleazy group hug, PV took the opportunity to make an awkward toast.

“Hiiiiiiiiiii! I’m just so happy to be there! Amazing opportunity to find love and we all deserve it! Cheers, bitches!”

Really she was just excited to have another week of makeout sessions with Nick.

“Come and get it, Nick!” she screamed. And then she bit the head off her rose. No joke. I shit you not. Bit. The. Head. Off. A. Rose.

You like dried, crusty, week old Redi Wip, baby? Have I got a treat for you!
You like dried, crusty, week old Redi Wip, baby? Have I got a treat for you!

The girls couldn’t figure out how PV skated through another week and speculated it must be because Nick’s only keeping girls with whom he has potential. Hmm…interesting hypothesis, ladies. Next you’ll spend your days building a robotic laboratory and launching it into space.

The next day Chris Harrison arrived with exciting news. They were about to embark on a journey around the globe!

“Pack your booty shorts and Vagisil! You’re going to Milwaukee!”

What? Milwaukee’s on a globe.

It also happened to be Nick’s hometown (give or take 75 miles) so the girls were beside themselves at the thought of being the third TV-found girlfriend he brought home to his parents.

And speaking of parents, Nick met those sweet, normal, beaten down people at a local coffee shop where his mom burst out crying at the sight of him and his dad made Nick promise this will be the last goddamn time he tries to find a wife on a stupid ass TV show.

“Aren’t there any chat rooms you could hang out in? Or a nice Coyote Ugly waitress with low self-esteem? We really don’t want to see you on this show again.”

“It’s totally different this time, Dad!” Nick explained. “Some of these girls come with their own nanny! And I’ve already touched like 17 ½ bare breasts!”

And then Nick cried because they were making him so sad.

Danielle L. got the first one-on-one date and wow, what a treat! Nick dragged her around his hometown showing her sites like the library where he made-out with girls and the hill where he had a lot of “firsts.”

Their wholesome adventure continued at a bakery where they decorated cookies in their image and used their tongues to smear frosting all over each other’s faces.

As luck would have it they ran into one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends. NO WAY! And because things weren’t scripted and contrived enough, Nick was all like, “Let’s totally hang out with her!”

Amber, the ex, gave Danielle advice. “He’s like…heart driven…you know? That’s what everyone is missing.”

Right. Totes. Heart driven. What everyone’s missing. So weird that it didn’t work out between you two. Later, Amber!

Nick thought Danielle L. was super nice, but just knew there was more to see. Fortunately, at dinner she forgot to wear a shirt so Nick could see exactly what it was.

Coco Chanel said you should take off one accessory before leaving the house. I'm totally keeping the earrings and ditching the shirt.
Coco Chanel said you should take off one accessory before leaving the house. I’ll keep the earrings but ditch the shirt.

She credited her parent’s messy divorce with why she won’t rush into relationships– unless it’s on TV. Then it’s game on! They ended the night in what looked like a school auditorium watching some guy sing while people cheered at them. Much making-out ensued.

Meanwhile…

The group date card arrived. It read: Say Cheese

Hmm, this was a stumper! Why cheese? What does that have to do with Wisconsin? Everyone’s name but Raven’s was on the card meaning God’s Favorite Goth Girl would be going on a one-on-one.

The teats were out in full force as the girls donned their finest heels and infinity scarves to meet Nick at a dairy farm. Oh!!! Cheese!!! I get it!!! There they shoveled poop, fed cows, marveled at how smelly a farm is, and watched Nick bottle feed a baby cow.

“It’s so wonderful to see!” They gushed as they fantasized about Nick being an absentee father they spend a decade arguing with in family court.

PV begged to differ. This was not her scene. There were flies everywhere and no nanny to swat them away. She didn’t want to do chores! Especially farm chores! She wouldn’t even make Raquel do farm chores!

Nick attempted to milk a cow, but got schooled in the whole, “this is how you touch a teat” business by the one-time lesbian, Jaime.

PV could not escape the poop. It was everywhere!

“Poop poop here. A poop poop there! There a poop, here a poop, everywhere a poop poop! Wah! I need sushi!”

Her fingers hurt from holding a device commonly used for manual labor so she had to go find a nice, comfy rock and take a sit down. Look, she respected the other girls for shoveling shit, but that ain’t her jam. And she had a serious hand situation going on. She couldn’t move her finger!

Girls called (cow?)bullshit and later PV overheard them talking about how sick of talking about her they were.

Inspired by her trip to the farm, PV ran off and compared herself to an ear of corn.

“Peel back that silky husk and see my little golden pellets of…information. Juicy, buttery information. You want to get to that corn. NICK NEEDS THAT CORN!”

Buoyed by the juicy, buttery information popping up inside of her, PV decided it was time to get wasted, take a power nap, and put an end to this bitter back talk.

“They think I’m just a bubbly little dumbo,” she said. “But I’m not! I know what’s going on! Bartender!”

She gathered the girls together and admitted she might not be everyone’s favorite, but if she did something to offend them then by all means tell her.

Okay, then! It was clucking cacophony as the hens rushed to tell PV how offensive she was.

“You’re not genuinely ready to marry a 36 year-old man!”

“Did you really lug that bouncy castle all the way here? Because those things are heavy!”

“You rubbed your bare boobs all over Nick’s chest! You probably gave him some disgusting STD like hives or eczema or an ingrown chest hair!”

“You can NOT nap through a rose ceremony! It’s the law!”

Taylor, the mental health counselor who is clearly infiltrating these women as part of some interactive PhD thesis, called her immature to which PV countered: Do you call these immature!” 

I'll show you immature! And I'll totally show you my boobs! You want me to? Because I want to!
I’ll show you immature! And I’ll totally show you my boobs! You want me to? Because I want to!

PV was appalled at the stupidity and ignorance and pettiness of her fellow wives-to-be. These bitches were pissed off over a little shut-eye and minor sexual assault in a bouncy castle? Please.

“I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking a nap,” PV said. “MICHAEL JORDAN TOOK A NAP! ABRAHAM LINCOLN TOOK A NAP!”

Besides, it apparently was a very stressful week around Bachelor Mansion so she needed her bouncy castle to decompress. She was having a panic attack, okay?

Nope. Not okay. The hens started shrieking again, which somehow comforted PV and made her believe everything was okay. Even though she loved everyone again, she still wanted to tell Nick how mean and dumb and poopie they were being to her. Nick listened, nodded along, but for inexplicable reasons other than she had a visible cold sore, didn’t kiss her.

“That’s okay,” PV claimed. “We had more of an adult conversation tonight. No time for kissing.”

Kristina, the Russian hygienist, got the date rose.

Raven got the stupidest one-on-one date in Bachelor history, but she was too dumb to notice.

“If I could choose to have a one-on-one anywhere in the world it would here!”

Really, Raven? A Milwaukee suburb is your dream date locale?

They pop by Nick’s little sister’s soccer game where– surprise!– they run into Nick’s sad parents. They took one look at Raven and were forced to imagine stuffing Christmas stockings with black eyeliner and ichthys-adorned socks and started crying again. Whatever happened to that sweet Amber girl?

The date continued its downward spiral at a roller rink where they shot the duck and flew the camel with a bunch of twelve year-olds.

At dinner, Raven talked about her last serious relationship, which ended when she discovered her boyfriend in bed with another woman.

“You walked in while they were…doing it?” Nick asked.

“Like I know what her vagina looks like,” Raven said.

“Oh man, sorry. Isn’t there a Super 8 in your hometown? That dumbass should have been more careful.”

“…and then I bashed his head in with that whore’s stilleto. The end. Pass the bread basket please!”

Nick found Raven “interesting” and “sassy,” both common adjectives used when describing a psychopath. Noting the height and pointiness of her shoes and the softness of his skull, Nick handed Raven the date rose and spent the rest of the date rocking back and forth in the arms of a PA.

The rose ceremony was held in a freezing barn outfitted with only one 17 inch swatch of blanket. Danielle L., that whore, and her rose immediately squirreled Nick away, causing the other girls to question her integrity, loyalty, motives, natural hair color, mother’s maiden name, and tolerance to gluten. Hoes before roses, bitch!

Taylor, with no shits left to give, sparred with PV before running off to interrupt Danielle L. and Nick.

PV and a drag queen– wait, nope, that was Josephine– talked about how disgusting Taylor was what with all those degrees and covered up body parts. Clearly Taylor wasn’t here for the right reasons. If she were, she’d be taking advantage of all this free food.

Screw, Nick! Let's marry these dumplings!
Screw, Nick! Let’s marry these dumplings!

After shoving 34 chicken nuggets and a bowl of spinach artichoke dip into her tyrannosaurus-esque maw, Josephine channeled PV’s nanny and gently reminded her to chew her food.

Full up on deep fried courage, PV took Taylor outside to yell at her.

I'm gonna choke on my tongue and THEN tell Taylor how much I hate her!
First I’m gonna choke on my tongue and THEN tell Taylor how much I hate her!

And now, a drama in one-act:

PV: They way you’re treating me is disgusting and really mean.

Taylor: You have Velveeta on your lip.

PV: I hate you.

Taylor: Well, your feelings will get hurt if you keep asking people to tell you why they think you suck.

PV: Why do you think I suck?

Taylor: You’re too young and immature. And you have a nanny. Oh, and you’re dumb. And lack emotional intelligence

PV: Ha! Emotions aren’t intelligent! Who lacks intelligence now, ya dummy?

Taylor: It’s a thing.

PV: Well, you’re playing Miss Proper. So there.

Taylor: I’m not. I’m just way smarter than you.

PV: I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE! Like LITERALLY punch you in your FACE!

Aw, crap, that’s where it ended! Well sort of. You’ve got to keep watching past the previews to get these fabulous outtakes of Nick and Alexis. In this episode, Alexis confessed the two things she’s most afraid of: Nicolas Cage and aliens.

“Do you think any of the girls here might be aliens?” Nick asked.

Alexis pondered this thoughtfully before nodding. “Raven.”

Well, duh.

Shit’s getting real at Bachelor Mansion! The gloves are off. And if you’re PV or Danielle L., probably your shirt is too.

Until next week!

 

The Bachelor, Week 3: Rapenicillin’s Tower of Terror

Episode 3 starts with all the hens cackling about Nick’s sudden dismissal of Liz the doula and their illicit tryst at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. The rumors swirled. The un-botoxed brows furled. Knotted stomachs hurled. Now, I ask you: What’s more shocking? That two people hooked up at a wedding or two people who met on The Bachelor got married? Is this really going to be a big deal? I mean, the guy had sex ON TV THREE TIMES (at least) and yakked about it in every gossip outlet afterwards.

But alas, Nick took a page from PV’s shirts and went with full transparency figuring some of the girls might actually watch the show when it airs.

“Uhhh, so we were at Jade and Tanner’s wedding,” he started. “And stuff happened. And then we had sex. The end.”

The girls looked appropriately grossed out, but found it in their hearts to forgive knowing Nick would do so many scummier things this season. Even gothy bible girl Raven was totes cool. It practically happened in a church so it’s fine!

PV had no issue with Liz going home because Liz “had intercourse with Nick” before she did! But she’s not dissuaded and knows she has qualities men find attractive. Qualities like a platinum vagine and boobs with an adverse reaction to clothing. We totally bought what she was selling because twelve minutes in, PV got stamped with another network decency mandated black box covering her knockers.

“I want us to explore each other sexually,” she said in voiceover as she drunkenly made her way down a spiral staircase dressed like the love child of Carmen Sandiego and the Central Park Flasher.

A girl's best accessory is a black bar over her boobs.
A girl’s best accessory is a black bar over her boobs.

And then shit got real. Real…icky.

Here’s how it started:

Where...is...my...peppersp-- oh! Here it is!
Where…is…my…peppersp– oh! Here it is!

Oh, Reddi Wip, I’m so sorry you were dragged into this!

And here’s how it continued:

You want cream with your mouth herpes?
You want cream with your mouth herpes? Coming right up!

PV and Nick sat on a lovely outdoor bench where she proceeded to shove a can of whipped cream down Nick’s throat, filled him with frothy goodness, and then sucked the cream back into her mouth. Even though she could barely keep her head up and eyes open she somehow conjured enough dexterity to douse her cleavage with cream.

If I had to see it, you do too.

What? Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the word!
What? Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the word!

“She’s good at creating chemistry between us,” Nick noted in his confessional.

Enough with the amateur theatrics, PV was ready to get the party started. She tossed Nick off the bench and onto two giant throw pillows someone had the foresight to place on the lawn. She straddled him, mashing whipped cream between their bosoms like a big, sun damaged whoopie pie. Nick struggled because (obvious) parts of him wanted to do the lust and thrust right there on those mysterious red pillows, but his other parts realized getting it on with a contestant in front of 56 people– some of whom he was allegedly dating– might make him look like a giant bag of dicks. He really didn’t want anyone to be uncomfortable.

PV was sad. How on Earth did her trusty “aerosol dairy asphyxiation” routine not go as planned? IT ALWAYS WORKS!  She sobbed into the arms of another blonde girl who kindly reassured her there’d be plenty more chances to seduce Nick with dairy products and slutty trench coats. Consoled, PV passed out in a bunk bed with her date rose and missed the rose ceremony. Hailey was one of three girls sent packing and the only one who didn’t seem to think a bullet had been dodged. She sobbed on the lawn where giant red pillows of promise were once strew and lamented about how love is a journey. A shitty one, but a journey none-the-less. Whatever went wrong with Nick was clearly HER FAULT. Also she probably shouldn’t have put her dress on backwards.

Errmm...is my tag showing? Is anything else showing?
Errmm…is my tag showing? Is anything else showing?

The next day Chris Harrison showed up promising to “blow their minds” with this season’s group dates. Before the girls had a chance to make ridiculous, ignorant and overly-speculative assumptions about what that meant, The Backstreet Boyz in all their manscaped soul-patch and jazz hands goodness showed up. The girls swooned over the opportunity to dance on stage with the Boyz and possibly win a private serenade with Nick in front of 500 people.

“I can’t dance,” PV said. “Like at all. Can someone hand me the whipped cream and unhook my bra?”

As it turned out, PV really couldn’t dance and it was awesome. But a lack of coordination hurt her feelings. She didn’t feel confident, pretty, cute, bubbly or fun anymore. This was so unfair!

After she had a good ugly cry in the bathroom, she got downright murderous learning that Danielle won the contest and got to awkwardly sway with Nick in front of 496 incredibly bored thirty-something moms and four gay dudes. Nick and Danielle threw all decorum to the wind and started in on a butt-grabbing make-out session, totally forgetting Nick’s seven other girlfriends were watching.

PV was convinced THIS WAS THE WORST DAY OF HER LIFE and took a different approach post-concert. She kept her boobs covered and let the platinum vagine do the heavy lifting. (And speaking of heavy, how heavy would a platinum vagine be? How does this girl make it up the stairs?) It worked! Nick totally forgave her attempted rape on the front lawn, threw her some compliments, and loudly lapped at her face. And then…and then…OMG, no she didn’t. She did. PV made a Trump reference saying, “I made Corrine great again!” And then she passed out.

Once she regained consciousness, PV rejoined the ladies still on the date and admitted to wanting a boob job.

“Just a tiny one.”

The other girls agreed, wistful for their own tiny boob jobs, but worried about how that would impact having kids. (Umm, it doesn’t?)

“Oh, kids,” PV said. “I can’t handle my own life, how can I handle kids. Better get Raquel on that.”

The girls were confused. Who the eff is Raquel? Does her platinum vagine have a name?

“My nanny, ya dumb bitches!”

“Sorry, you’re what now?”

PV was incredulous having to explain what a nanny is. What the hell was this? 2009? Of course she has a nanny!

“She keeps my life together. Fixes my bed, makes me lemon salad, cuts my veggies. I can’t make cheese pasta, ladies! Who can do that?! And it makes her happy! Why would I stop a woman’s happiness?

???

Jasmine was so upset by this (read: drunk) she literally fell down. Just dropped to her knees right there. As she repeatedly banged her forehead on the cold, Spanish tiles she swore she’d slap Nick with the rose if he dared give this immature, nipple-flashing, nanny-having bitch one.

Vanessa, (the nice, normal girl who is going to regret this for the rest of her life) was invited on the one-on-one date. Her and Nick flew on a Zero G plane which was all fun and weightless games until she puked in a tiny white bag. All that time Nick has spent around drunk-ass women gave him a surprisingly amount of compassion. He still made out with her.

Later, still  turned on by gross bodily functions, Nick told Vanessa she made him “very excited” and then he burst out crying. Okay, then.

On the next group date, former Olympians Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix, and Michelle Carter coached the girls through a series of ridiculous trials with the end goal of scoring some private time with Nick. Astrid obviously didn’t think they’d really be doing anything athletic and immediately regretted the gossamer and washi tape she tried to pass off as a sports bra. (Her boobs now hold the record for the high jump.)

The aforementioned private time was soaking in a hot tub romantically situated along the side of the track. (Placed by the person who left the mysterious red sex pillows? Hmm…)

Astrid didn’t win but her boobs were so sore the girls let her have it.

And then more stuff happened:

  • Dominique started to unhinge
  • Alexis and Nick made out on a giant banner of him topless
  • Jaime apologized for coming across as the “weird lesbian,” which wasn’t true until she said that
  • Dominique continued her descent into Craycrayville
  • Nick remembered how cool Rachel was
  • Dominique saw Nick and Rachel kissing and lost her shit
  • At her wit’s end, Dominique told Nick he wasn’t fair. He didn’t try to get to know her. He didn’t try to pull her out of her head. HE DIDN’T NOTICE SHE WAS A SOCIOPATH WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND TRY TO FIX HER, DAMMIT!
  • Nick was all, “Oh, I noticed! Just like you should notice that black SUV parked outside with your suitcase in it! Bugger off now!
  • Rachel felt bad until Nick handed her the coveted date rose
  • The pre-rose ceremony cocktail party was canceled (GASP) so they could have a pool party instead! (Yay!) Girls don’t spend hundreds of dollars lifting their ass cheeks in a spray tan booth for nothing!
  • Raven rubbed sunscreen on Nick’s torso the way Jesus intended

And then…

PV thought the other girls were desperate for trying so hard. Unlike her who spent hours applying makeup and pondering which bikini top had the highest probability of falling down. She had a big treat in store for Nick– A castle bounce house! Raquel must have sent a care package! Thank goodness PV doesn’t have to try so hard.

She dragged Nick into her inflatable pleasure palace where she hopped around so much her entire body needed pixilation. She pounced on Nick and stuck to him like a suckerfish on an aquarium wall.

Ugh! That better be whipped cream! Image from The Ashley's Reality Round- Up.
Ugh! That better be whipped cream! Image from The Ashley’s Reality Round- Up.

The other girls were horrified. Raven was so over this shit. Once Nick was freed from Rapenicillin’s Tower of Terror, she pulled him aside and told him he was making a big mistake courting PV.

“She’s 24 and has a nanny!”

Nick was appropriately flabbergasted. “A NANNY?”

“Yes, you godless gnat! She can’t even slice her own vegetables or use a clock radio!”

“But is the nanny hot? Like maybe from Brazil? WHY DIDN’T SHE BRING HER???”

The rest of the night Nick spent reconciling his desire to find a wife and plunder the depths of PV’s platinum shores.

“Do you want a wife or someone to f*ck around with?” Vanessa asked. “Because when a girl pukes in your mouth, it should mean something.”

Yeah! It should.

Next week PV is in the hot seat. Is it a UTI or girl clique gone rabid? Burn, baby burn!

 

The Bachelor, Week 1: Whores Galores

I only feel slightly bad for using the word, “whores” but hello! We’re talking about The Bachelor here! Not Uniceff Goodwill Ambassadors.

Now that you’ve read all of those timely recaps, how about one that’s 2 days post-mortem? Great! Let’s go!

Season 21 kicked off with the standard gratuitous topless shot of our reformed bad boy, super jerk bachelor, Nick out for a jog in <<insert major metropolitan city.>> Because ABC really wants women to like this guy, they treated us to an additional six seconds of Nick undressing and hopping into a steamy shower while a rather generously-sized black box covered his private parts. I mean, it was a really large black box. Like thigh-to-navel black box. I’m pretty sure Nick doesn’t need a black box quite that large to cover his privates but whatevs. Probably had that worked into his contract.

Because this is Nick’s FOURTH time looking for love on national television, it is important to relive all of his super humiliating alter dumpings and general douche-baggery. See, women hated him because he’s an STD personified and men hate him because women still want to sleep with him. Whatevs again. Nick then tries to explain away all of his bad body language with things like, “When I sit like this I’m not really bored!” or “My face always looks like a cat’s asshole! I can’t help it!” Really he’s a super nice guy who just happens to look like a bag of dicks.

So, umm, we racked our brains and think we came up with a really good catch phrase for this season."
So, umm, we racked our brains and think we came up with a really good catch phrase for this season.” – Love, the ABC Marketing Team

We get it. You’re the new bachelor. We’re supposed to like you and want you to get engaged so 4 days later you can tell Us Weekly you amicably ended things after lugging your college mattress all the way to her hometown and wish nothing but the best for each other. Get on with it!

Next, we saw previous Bachelors Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, and Chris Soules join Nick to talk about how much they hate him and hope this is the last god damn time he uses The Bachelor platform to find a wife. They also gave him advice.

“Do not open your mouth when you kiss any of those women! That’s totally gross!” said Bachelor Ben.

“Just pick the most boring girl that doesn’t warrant any airtime so people will think you accidentally fell in love with a PA or crew medic or something,” said Bachelor Sean.

“Don’t believe a girl who says she’ll move to a farm in remote Iowa. She won’t. Apparently that’s kind of a deal-breaker. Whatevs,” said Bachelor Chris.

Finally it was everyone’s favorite part– watching the parade of sequins and thong underwear exit a limo. This time the Universe brought 30 desperate fame-whores women to Bachelor Mansion to bed, and hopefully wed the most desperate fame-whore of all.

Whose going home with cold sores and a case of pancreatitis? At least 80% of these women:

Danielle C.: A giant pair of boobs who apparently owns 3 nail salons. Not sure what her face looked like or really even if she had one. Did I say giant boobs?

Elizabeth: Umm, she does something in marketing?

Rachel: Pretty. Smart. Attorney. Seems like the kind of woman you’d want your single guy friend to bring to your dinner party. But alas, she’s African American so, well, you know how it goes. Don’t get attached.

Christen: Some idiot who hid behind a yellow fan, did an awkward short-lived flamenco interpretive dance, and got all star struck when she came to fan to face with Nick. Chris Harrison maybe warrants this sort of behavior, but Nick?

Taylor: Mental Health Professional who has been studying Nick for the last four years. Tells him all of her friends absolutely despise him, but she doesn’t believe all the horrible, venomous crap they’ve been spewing and is totally sure they’ll come around when he proposes.

Kristina: Former Russian orphan turned dental hygienist.

Angela: A model, because of course.

Lauren: Acknowledges the unfortunate pronunciation of Nick’s last name (Viall = Vile) and said she felt his pain because her last name is “Hussy.” “Together we would be a disgusting slut,” she said. I can’t help but like this girl.

Michelle: Owns a food truck or something.

Dominique: She’s a restaurant server. Not a waitress, okay?

Ida Marie: Despite his bad boy image, she totally trusted Nick and to prove it did a trust fall. Cool! What’s your game plan for your first date, Ida Marie? A Myers Briggs test?

Sylvia: From Alaska. Gave Nick an eskimo kiss.

Sara: Ran up to Nick because he’s always the runner up. Get it? Get it?

Jasmine G.: ?

Hailey: “What does a girl who wears underwear say?” I don’t know. “I don’t know either.” Ooooooh!

Astrid: From Sweden! Also the name of my first ever D&D character!

Liz: A doula who slept with Nick at the wedding of former Bachelor couple, Jade and Tanner. Seems pretty proud of the fact, but isn’t sure if Nick will remember her. Say whatthef?!

Corinne: Resident big time slutty villain. Works for “multimillion dollar” family business. Has her own personal nanny. For her. Spoiler Alert: This is the bimbo with the platinum vagine.

Vanessa: Special Ed Teacher. Beautiful. Multilingual. By far the best quality girl on the show who will inevitably wind up ugly crying in a hot tub and not understanding how she ended up being the girl who ugly cries in the hot tub. Shame.

Danielle M.: Made Nick lick homemade maple syrup off her finger. Sticky and sweet just like her.

Raven: A holy Wednesday Adams. Where she’s from (somewhere down south) they “go mudding and read their bibles.” Oh girl, welcome to the mansion. You’ll totally fit right in.

Jaime: She has balls! On her nose ring! Super classy.

Briana: A stethoscope-yielding nurse who checked Nick’s heart rate. If you’re doing nurse stereotypes, why not do the slutty nurse thing? Know your audience, Briana!

Susannah: Gave Nick a beard massage and I’m still not sure why.

Josephine: Another nurse! Brought a book with a hot dog inside and proclaimed Nick to be a “wiener in her book.” Because that wasn’t horrible enough, she made him take a bite of said wiener and vomit in the bushes.

Brittany: And another nurse! This one goes with the pop proctology exam! Hey Brittany, do you know how to pump a stomach or dislodge a warm, undercooked hot dog from an airway? Because if so, you’re needed in the bushes.

Jasmine: Flight attendant.

Whitney: Pilates instructor. Because flight attendant wasn’t cliche enough.

Lacey: Rides in on a camel because she knew Nick liked “a good hump.” Remarkably all the other women are jealous because they didn’t think of this grand entrance.

Alexis: Resident endearing psychopath who is obsessed with dolphins so she shows up in a shark costume. No one is jealous of this entrance.

"They call me Flipper, Flipper, Flipper, because I flipped my lid!"
“They call me Flipper, Flipper, Flipper, because I flipped my lid!”

The night in a nutshell? Here you go:

Jasmine, the flight attendant is the first to cry. 98% of the women wore a red dresses.  Alexis is absolutely convinced she’s a dolphin even though she’s clearly dressed in a shark costume

What? You've never seen a dolphin in a shark costume before?
What? You’ve never seen a dolphin in a shark costume before?

Corrine wanted to kiss Nick during the 27 seconds they spoke so she interrupted someone else’s 26 seconds to lay one on him. In addition, she gave Nick a bag of tokens to cash in whenever he feels like it. Tokens include things like “non-consentual make out session,” “Have my nanny make us dinner,” and “Free upgrade to platinum status.” Kristina the Russian orphan caved very, very quickly under the unbearable weight of bronzing cream and double-sided tape. Lots of crying under the unflattering light held by a gaffer’s assistant.

In maybe the biggest twist in Bachelor history, Nick gave the first impression rose to Rachel– the very cool, beautiful, personable African American woman who has no shot of winning. Maybe the rose knew it because it was saddest, limpest, most passed over grocery store rose in the show’s history. Come on, ABC! Keep those roses in a vase, or at least wrapped in a wet paper towel until showtime!

In the end, eight hearts were broken as Nick bid a fond “dodged that bullet!” to: Susannah, Briana, Olivia, Angela, Lauren, Michelle, Jasmine B., and Ida Marie.

Somewhere in a California mansion, Alexis still thinks she’s a dolphin even though she was very freakin’ clearly dressed like a shark.

I’m already ooking forward to next week!

Fall in Love with Your TV Again

Ah, the magic of fall…

Time for nesting and nestling in with friends old and new. But especially new because let’s face it–some of the old ones are getting a bit played out.

It’s when I don my best leisurewear and kick back on the sofa with my new friends and demand entertainment.

Tell me your vapid tales of one-night stands and surprise pregnancies!

Spin me a yarn about how hard it is to make friends when you’re famous and a millionaire in the second largest U.S. city!

Plan me the most complicated DIY dinner party and invite lots of celebrity potheads! Yes! BRING ME THE GREEN FIENDS!

Dance, TV, Dance!
Dance, TV, Dance!

Fall television is no joke, people. I mean Entertainment Weekly dedicates a whole issue to it.  Everyone’s got an opinion on who the growers and soon-to-be no showers will be. Who’s going to make it? Who will be dumped before your DVR even learns their names? Which shows is Kris Jenner executive producing and therefore dooming civilization to eternal syndication long after the shark has been jumped?

I can’t get enough of this. This must be how fantasy sports players feel right before the draft.

Not sure where to look for a DVR download? Sure, you could go to E! News if you want a comprehensive round-up of the new shows. (And maybe answer a poll about which new cast member has the dumbest hair.) Or visit my virtual soulmate, The Ashley if you only care about the important stuff like reality TV. If you’re suffering from childhood abandonment issues which have resulted in an inability to develop long-term meaningful relationships and don’t want to waste time getting attached to a show that’ll get cut quicker than Taylor dumped rehab-bound Selena, you should go with the experts and see which shows have the best odds of being renewed.  And yes, real-live experts are spending time thinking about this stuff, which delights me to no end. I guess you could say Fall TV is like betting on the Super Bowl for lazy, judgey couch potatoes. Or maybe more like putting a wager on how long it will take to sing the national anthem during the Super Bowl. Whatevs. It’s cool.

Of course if you’re really serious about your TV watching and want to narrow it down to the best of the best, you could go with your most trusted source– me!

I ask you: have I ever let you down? Have IHave I?

Ladies and gentlemen, get your sweats and start your DVRs and tell your real friends you’ll see them in the Spring. You’re going to be very busy.

What's in those brownies, Martha? (Credit: VH1)
What’s in those brownies, Martha? (Credit: VH1)

Martha and Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party: Not a joke, people. Executive produced by bunny kisses and unicorn dreams, this is exactly why we have televisions. The Mother of DIY Living and the Doggfather of ganga and random political endorsements are joining forces to bring us the most anticipated show of the season. In this glorious new series, the unlikely duo hosts dinner parties for celebrity friends. Who knew you could roll a joint with hospital corners? Oh yes, definitely a good thing.

Hollywood & Football: Is this how the NFL is trying to reach more women? Fine. You had me at Hollywood & Football. Here we’ll follow six LA Rams and their significant others as they make the incredibly hard transition from life in the middle of America to life on the West-coast of America. How will they speak the language? Will they understand currency conversions? Will they have to eat kale?! This terrifying unscripted docu-series (READ: Not a reality show!) takes us behind the scenes of rich, pretty people trying to find their way off the 405 and into the nearest Ralph’s Grocery.

"So I'm thinking, I know a thing or two about being a bear. I could teach you all about this hibernation thing. And how to get yer face unstuck out of a pot of hunny." (Credit: Discovery Press)
“So I’m thinking, I know a thing or two about being a bear. I could teach you all about this hibernation thing. And how to get yer face unstuck out of a pot of hunny.” (Credit: Discovery Press)

Project Grizzly: Aw man, this is gonna be tearjerker. After bear trainer Jeff Watson realizes it’s not cool to keep bears as pets, he decides to set them free. Only problem, his big ass bears have been living like parakeets and don’t really know the first thing about being bears in the wild. So teach them he must. Yes, that’s right. A man teaches bears how to be bears. Who doesn’t love a make-over show?

Leave it to Lifetime TELEVISION FOR WOMEN to come out with not one, but TWO quality new shows I will surely be binge-watching with my mommy. Thank you, Lifetime TELEVISION FOR WOMEN! I can always count on you for some good old-fashioned female bonding.

Lifetime describes these two new shows as, “documenting the action-packed journey of what happens when a woman becomes unexpectedly pregnant.”

Why yes, Lifetime TELEVISION FOR WOMEN. Spot on! I would also describe pregnancy–unexpected or otherwise–as “action-packed.” I remember my own action-packed pregnancy having to remember to take all those extra vitamins and get out of bed to pee in the middle of the night– in the dark! Bart was all like, “Slow your roll, Mario. That bathroom ain’t going nowhere!” Lifetime TELEVISION FOR WOMEN really gets women.

But I digress.

First we have 30-Something Grandma and yep, that title is really letting it all hang out there. Need I say more? Nope, but I will. 30-Something Grandma is a docu-series (READ AGAIN: Not a reality show!) following three moms and their teenage daughters who are about to become first-time mommies themselves. Spoiler alert! One grandma has to postpone a trip to Mexico. Save the drama for teenaged mamas’ mamas!

"If I wanted to have a gosh darn grand baby, I'd just have it myself!" (Credit: Lifetime.com)
“Ma! Stop crying! I’m gonna get my license in five months and you can totally stop having to come to these stupid appointments with me!” (Credit: Lifetime.com)

Knocked Up is all class, baby. This series follows the journey of three once carefree, single ladies who were having a grand ol’ time being unattached and irresponsible until “one night of fun” finds them up the duff.  Spoiler Alert! They all have to make lifestyle changes!

And speaking of "lifestyle changes," can we discuss your bra choices?"
“So we’re going to create a mold of your giant pregnant belly and create your new bra cups with it. Because, girl, “lifestyle changes,” means “be gone with those slutty A-cup underwires.” (Credit: Lifetime.com)

Window Warriors: I love Carson Kressley so if he’s going to sign up to judge a two-bit, over-done, no-one-cares reality show, it’s my job to watch it. Especially when it’s none of those things! Excuse me while I continue counting down the seconds. This competition show pits the, “country’s most talented window merchandising designers” against one another to create elaborate window displays. Yep, window displays. Expect lots of product placement and manufactured drama.

Scandal Made Me Famous: Nope, sorry, this is not the unauthorized Kerry Washington biography. She was totally famous before that Scandal. This is real scandal. Like murdering-your-children or cutting-off-your-husband’s-private-parts scandal. You know, heart-warming stuff like that. Relive the tales that turned the likes of Lorena Bobbitt and Amy Fisher into pithy New York Post headlines. This is the stuff sick days were made of. Start practicing your fake cough now.

Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath: For fear David Miscaviage will pop a cap into my Direct TV satellite dish, all I will say about this show is, “YES, Leah, Yes!”

Totally hired for our skillz, dude.
Totally hired for our skillz, dude and not because we all wear the same size pants. (Credit: Bravo)

Timber Creek Lodge: Thank you, Bravo. In the vein of Ladies of London and Southern Charm, this is another notch in the “Please God don’t let anyone know I’m watching this” belt. Beautiful settings, slutty, gorgeous staffers, and spoiled, over-the-top clients make this basically Below Deck in a ski chalet. And yes, we do need more Below Deck.

Ghosts in the Hood: These real-life ghostbusters investigate paranormal activity in LA neighborhoods other ghost hunting teams won’t touch. Why? I dunno know. Because ghosts aren’t real? Pa’shaw! This squad of ghosties includes a “verified medium,” a technician, and a comedian so you know they’re LA legit. Woooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh!

The BachelorDoesn’t matter the time of year, it’s always Bachelor season as far as I’m concerned. Yes, ladies and gentleman, it’s true. The only man who has appeared on The Bachelor franchise more than Chris Harrison himself gets another shot at love. Can I get bro hug and a spray tan for Nick Viall?

"I can't possibly button my fly until I've had at least 3 cups of coffee." (Credit: The hollywoodgossip.com)
“I can’t possibly button my fly until I’ve had at least 3 cups of coffee.” (Credit: The hollywoodgossip.com)

They made us love him on BiP as he worked hard to shirk his loser in love reputation and became a charming, endearing, almost rational romantic sage. He was kind to the dumb twins, stood up to that enormous asshat, Josh who bested him yet again for a female’s attention, and tried really hard to pretend he didn’t know he was going to the be the next Bachelor and fake some chemistry with that Jenn girl. This season promises lots of tears and emotional breakdowns–from Nick himself. I’m already glued to my TV.