The Bachelorette, Season 15, Ep. Whatever: STAY IN YOUR LANE

Yeah, yeah, my recaps are spotty if even, but this season is really hard to watch and not for the reasons you have come to expect. It’s hard to watch this bachelorette because she is clearly too young to know what she wants, too immature to stand up for herself, and too insecure to not constantly be gaslit, manipulated, and borderline emotionally abused by a man who’s clearly a psychopath.

“Here is the definition of PSYCHOPATH. If I knew how to read I’d tell you all the ways this isn’t like me.”

Oh, Luke P. is good TV. But he’s also really f’ing scary because he’s not an actor. He’s a real guy who somehow passed the show’s psych exam and who will return to his webby lair of misogyny and toxic masculinity and keep existing in our world. He will gaslight and manipulate and abuse other women. Know how I know this? Because he’s also incredibly stupid. Stupid people just are. They can’t turn it off and on. And they seldom change.

But still I watch and groan and rewind and rewatch in attempt to capture all the dialogue– the real dialogue because it’s funnier than anything I could write– and scour Twitter to find solidarity with the rest of the world who are also watching agog at the shitshow playing out before us. Yes, of course it’s always a shitshow! But this is next level shitshowing. 

Shall we?

After several weeks of meltdowns, Hannah was fresh-faced and full of vigor ready to start anew in Latvia. (Latvia???) The boys had been really pissing her off with all that finger-pointing and yelling at Luke P. Why are they asking HIM questions and not her! Not one person ever asked WHAT MAKES HANNAH HANNAH. She almost forgot why her photo was cropping up in the lower left corner of Us Weekly covers. It’s to find a controlling man child that makes her feel like a woman, y’all! 

And Luke Goddamn Mothereffing Shitstain P. immediately started in on how frustrating that last rose ceremony was. The other guys were like, “Dude! You’re frustrated!? She canceled the cocktail party because you made her cry again! Also we hate your goddamn face! That’s how we always feel when we’re around you!”

Date card arrived and it’s Garret who gets the one-on-one.

Can I trust our love?

In case you wondered about Luke P.’s triggers, here’s one: one-on-one dates that don’t involve him. He is LEGITIMATELY JEALOUS. For the first time. He knows for a fact no guy feels about Hannah the way he does. FOR A FACT, bitches!

Hannah met Garret in the woods. They were freezing. It looked unpleasant. Then they saw a cable car dangling over a lake which was pretty damn scary all on its own, but then two naked humans bound to each other gummy worms left in a hot car fell out of it. 

What in the actual f*%k?

Oh! It’s naked bungee jumping! The Latvian tradition that combines my two biggest fears literally strapped into one.

The naked duo introduced themselves to Garret and Hannah. 

“Hey ! I’m Gunt! (YES, GUNT!) This is (forgot her name, sorry). Try naked bungee jumping! You’ll have fun! 

Okay!

Garret and Hannah stripped down to everything but Hannah’s bra which she kept on until the last possible second. For whatever reason she left her very heavy, very dangling earrings on.

In case you wondered what it looks like when you make-out, upside down, naked, strapped to a virtual stranger, dangling over a lake.

I’m not going to lie. This looked scary as f*ck. But they did it. And Hannah now thought Garret was very strong and that’s what she wanted in a man. They made out in front of a small dumpster fire to celebrate.

At dinner, Garret confessed his fear of heights and what a giant hurdle that was for him. He asked Hannah her very first question: What hurdles have you had to overcome?

Hannah: Umm…just living my life.

The near death, fully naked escapades of today’s activities really got Garret’s truth fountain overflowing. He told a sad tale about how everyone in his family loved football but he really liked golf. Talk about a hurdle!

Back at hotel, the guys discovered who would go on the next group date:

Mike, Jed, Tyler, Dustin, Luke, Connor, Dylan

Let’s discover Riga.

The follwoing morning, Garret told the group about naked bungee jumping. Mike wanted to know what bungee jumping was like. Luke wanted to know why in all that’s holy would this turd-nugget think it was okay to take his goddamn wife naked bungee jumping????? HE DID NOT GIVE HER PERMISSION TO DO THIS! In fact, he didn’t believe it.

Naked bungee jumping? With Garret? No way. Luke knew Hannah better than Hannah knew herself. It’s only a truth if Luke P. believes it. 

Let’s watch Luke P. process this.

The wise lay up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool brings ruin near.
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

Hannah was super excited to explore Latvia and have a normal date with her seven suitors. They explored a market, walked down a cobblestone street yelling things like, “Latvia!” and “Riga!”, watched Hannah consume a giant pickle, and took turns making out with her in front of each other. Pretty normal date stuff. 

Luke P., as we know, is a gracious dude. He was just excited to see Hannah let loose and be herself. The real her– not the fake her that would ALLEGEDLY naked bungee jump while mashed up against the sullied loins of another man. Did God speak to Garret in a shower? HA! I think not! 

Hannah knows how to read a room. While crammed together on public transportation, with lips and noses and hands and butts mere centimeters apart, she knew that was the perfect time to talk about naked bungee jumping. 

Luke P. was truly and absolutely shocked. He was like “OMG F*CK! That really happened??!!!! My wife is no different than those tainted trollops I was banging in high school!!!!”

Hannah explained how the naked part was a tradition for couples.

Luke P.: Like official couples?

Hannah: No.

Luke P.: But like when you’re officially a couple, you mean?”

You guys, give him a break. He had a reason to be upset. Hannah’s body “was her temple and to expose it to anyone who is NOT HER HUSBAND (READ: LUKE P.) was a slap in his face!” Luke needs answers! Luke will get them!

The night portion of the date kicked off with a below the knee shot of the guys walking so we could appreciate their super tight Capri pants and sock-less footwear. Tyler sported a particularly small, bright white pair but that’s okay because Tyler is everyone’s favorite now.

Luke P. finally got his chance to tell Hannah how he felt about her naked date.

Luke P.: Have you ever been cheated on?

Hannah: Of course!

Luke: Well, I HAD THAT FEELING THIS MORNING!

Hannah: Why?

Luke: This information is hard to receive! How could you hold your temple against Garett??? 

Hannah: I wanted the experience. Just because our baby making parts were skin on skin doesn’t mean it was sexual.

Luke P.: Yeah, well it was still really offensive and pissed me off and now I’m not sure I can introduce you to my family, but okay I’ll support you even if you do some boneheaded mistakes. Don’t worry. We’ll get through anything. That’s me being REAL! Hope you like it!

Date rose went to Tyler because he risked a yeast infection so America could see him in those pants.

Luke again was incredulous. Why bother being real if you can’t get a rose out of it

Then we had Hannah’s date with Peter. They went to a traditional Latvian spa to perform a bonding spiritual ritual which translates to, “have sex in a sauna.”

Hannah likes her men dirty and sweaty, which she kindly reminded us of. A lot. She also really likes straddling her men which she also visually reminded us of. Peter made her feel like a woman. Apparently the only women Hannah knows are horny, 

Peter told everyone about his hot, sweaty date and that made Jed sad. Jed missed Hannah so he grabbed his guitar and his shearling jean jacket and busked in the streets until she woke up.

Hannah woke up. Like really woke up. She invited him upstairs where he played more dumb music and told her he was really falling for her. She straddled him, ripped off her robe, and got down.

Also, we hate Jed now.

And then the conversations just went sideways with the other guys and Luke P. I can’t make this shit up nor could I type fast enough to keep up with it. Here’s the highlights:

“Listen, she’s your girlfriend but she’s also mine.”

“Stay in your lane!”

You stay in your lane!”

“Don’t ruin another rose ceremony or I’ll be seriously pissed!”

“STAY IN YOUR LANE!”

“Lower your voices. Hannah could be outside the door. Also STAY IN YOUR LANE!”

“I was in my lane but then I looked out the window and saw you and Hannah in your lane and didn’t like what I saw so now I’m in her lane!”

“Oooh, shouldn’t look away while driving. That’s how you crash.”

“Hannah needs us to stay in our lanes so that’s what I’m going to do.”

“Yeah, don’t text and drive!”

“I need sleep so please excuse yourself!”

The real highlight though was Tyler who apparently read a few feminist manifestos before coming on the show and expertly and calmly called Luke out on a myriad of bullshit. 

The next day Hannah ambushed the guys and squirreled Luke P. away. Luke was all, “Yes! I must be getting a rose.” The other guys were like “Oh that doesn’t look good.”

She respected Luke for having a REAL conversation with her, but unfortunately it didn’t sit well with her. She summoned every female empowering t-shirt she every saw on Pinterest and started rattling off slogans. 

“You don’t own me.”

“My body, my choice!”

“STAY IN YOUR LANE!” 

Luke P.: I won’t control you, but let me tell you what I will do.

Hannah: Why do I have to always scream in your face to make you understand?

Luke P.:  I never said any of that. I’m sorry you misunderstood and twisted my words.

Hannah: I’m just so confused. 

Luke P.: I’m just so excited that the train is finally back on track!

Hannah: Oh my god, no it’s not!

Luke P.: It’s close to the tracks! Still exciting!

Hannah: No it’s not!

Luke P.: If you feel that way, I’m sorry I was misunderstood. It’s confusing. From now on I’m going to speak clear! And if you can’t handle it, I’ll keep fighting harder. YOU WILL NEVER BE RID OF ME, HANNAH! 

Hannah: Why is it so hard with us?

Got it, thanks!

Upon rejoining the group, Luke proclaimed he knew they were going to ask so he would just tell them– he ain’t telling them nothing except to stay in their lanes!

Luke P.: Stay in your lane! You! And you! And you too! Mike, you keep being you, but the rest of you– STAY IN YOUR LANES!

Then Chris walked in and we knew it was bad news. Hannah was emotional again and canceled another cocktail party. What is ABC going to do with all that leftover booze?

Luke immediately got defensive and shouted this was not his fault!

The men donned a fresh pair of capris and took their places for the rose ceremony. 

Roses went to :

Jed

Mike

Connor

Suspense!!!

Wait for it!!!

Who could it be???

You will never guess!!!!!

Luke

Oh, for f*ck’s sake, Hannah.

As she pinned the world’s saddest rose to his collar, Hannah whispered to Luke, “There is goodness inside of you. And I see that.” 

With what do you see, Hannah???? You got a Hubble telescope under all those fake eyelashes?

Guys are shocked. We are all shocked. The villain never sticks around this long. Even Chris Harrison is confused.

Chris: What the actual f*ck, Hannah?

Hannah: I’m either falling in love with Luke or he’s making me crazy.

Neither are good options, Hannah. 

Sigh. Until next week.

The Bachelorette: Season 15, Ep. 2: Dragging Onnnnnnnnnnnnn

Is this the spatula scraped bottom of the casting barrel or are these bros actually Hannah’s type? I watch enough reality TV to be inclined to think it’s the latter. That barrel runs real deep. But know what isn’t deep? These constentants.

First, they all look alike. They have massive amounts of hair. They all mousse said hair into giant poop emoji shaped coifs atop their tiny heads. They have arrogantly deep voices. They are all named Luke or Connor or Tyler. With the exception of maybe Mike, I wouldn’t let my friend date any of these guys. Hook up at a wedding with? Yes. But bring to my annual neighborhood Christmas tree lighting party? Back the hell up, Broseph.

The episode opened with Chris lighting a date card on fire, chucking it into the living room, and bolting, not to be seen again until the rose ceremony.

A bunch of guys get called (Luke, Tyler, Tyler, Luke, Connor, Tyler, Luke, Connor, Connor, Tyler, Luke, Luke, Tyler, Luke, Connor, Tyler, Luke) upon for an outing at a theater where they are greeted by none other than Miss Jay!

OMG, Miss Jay! I had no idea how much I missed you!

Miss Jay is joined by two fabulous drag queens, Alyssa Edwards and Alaska Thuderfuck (the name of my next D&D character), who, along with Hannah were judges for the Mr. Right Pageant, because OF COURSE.

The boys met with the queens for some coaching and talent tips before walking the runway in banana hammocks and auditioning for America’s Got Socks in their Speedos. Jed wore his nut hugger with cowboy boots- a touching homage to toddlers of parents who just don’t give a shit anymore. Luke P. was super excited to strip down to his itsy, bitsy, teeny-weenie, 1980’s little bikini, and his fellow contestants experienced an extreme case of the vapors while Hannah and the judges had to be hosed down and airlifted to nearby ice baths.

WWJD, friends! What would Jesus deadlift?
Image courtesy of ABC

For his talent, Luke P. pried upon the insecurities of a woman who has struggled with the need to be perfect her whole life and desperately wants to walk off this show with her first husband by telling her he was definitely, for truly, 100%, abso-freakin’-lutely falling in love with her. People. We’re on episode 2. It’s been like 5 days. Also, Luke P. THAT IS NOT A TALENT!

But the guys were impressed. Not with his love lies, but with his body. They were all like, “Man, that Luke P.! Hubba hubba, amirite? The guy’s an asshole, but he’s got the body of a Greek god!”

Guess who won the title of Mr. Right? Of course it’s Mr. Divine Intervention himself! Hannah totally falls for his “I can’t believe I’m saying this already, but I love you so much” BS. SHE ASKED FOR BOLD, PEOPLE! And aggressively falling in love is BOLD! I guess?

At the post-date cocktail party, Luke P. squired Hannah away immediately much to the irritation of the other guys. She used the opportunity to grill him on how he could possibly feel love already.

Hannah: But it’s been like…12 minutes.

Luke P.: Because I am falling in love with you.

Hannah: Well, I mean, it has been like 12 minutes. Wow, y’all bold!

Next day Hannah takes one of the Tylers out for a one-on-one. She must have been touched by an angel in the styling department because she was dressed head to toe in white. Uh oh. What could this mean? Time to bust out the ATVs and get muddy! You see, Hannah is so chill and cool, she’s not afraid to get her whites dirty.

Afterwards they cleaned up and had a nice, fake dinner and some nice fake conversation about Hannah’s dreams to be a wife and have an “incredible career” and maybe “help people.” Tyler thought that sounded really cool, minus the helping people. Be real man, be genuine, but humanitarianism is for losers. They made out. Tyler got a rose, the end.

Kidding! Not the end! There’s still another group date! This one forced the guys to try roller derby and question what was on that waiver they signed before coming on the show. With every smashed assbone, Hannah got more turned on. One of them (Dustin?) might have broken something and had to leave. The other guys were so jealous.

Afterwards they sat around a coffee table full of fake food and drinks inside a deserted antiques warehouse. Pretty sure the location scout owns this joint because it’s definitely showed up on previous seasons. As Hannah began to settle in with her bruised and bandaged suitors, a mysterious van pulled up. Nope, not Scooby Doo. MUCH WORSE. No, not Scrappy Doo. Even worse than him! It’s freakin’ Cam! Always Be Carpooling! Well, sure beats sitting by the pool, playing whiny out of tune melodies on your harmonica. But you see, Cam, you were not invited on this group date so you don’t get to show up. Go home and ask the other guys how this show works.

But too bad. He’s there to interrupt her time with the other guys and tell Hannah how much he missed her. We are assured by Cam that this was “a very Cam thing to do” which should have sparked a “Thank you, next” response from Hannah, but nope. She let him have his time. Bold gesture, y’all! The other guys were NOT PLEASED. They ran out to the parking lot to take turns telling Cam what a jerk he was.

Guy: Uh, dude, not cool.

Cam: Sorry, man. I get it.

Guy: So, uh, like go home now, ‘k?

Cam: Yeah, mean, totally leaving. Just needed to tell her something.

Other Guy: You’re taking time away from us by being here.

Cam: You’re taking time away from being here by being here.

Other Guy: Where?

Cam: Here. In this parking lot!

Guy with Deep Voice: You’re like a stalker, man. Not cool.

Cam: I assure you, stalking is a very Cam thing to do.

Blah blah blah, on to the rose ceremony.

Hannah entered the room, looked at her guys, and immediately burst into tears. Want to play a drinking game? Every time Hannah says, “bold” or “real”, or “on this journey” knock one back. You’re shitfaced, right? Like before we even see a rose. Keep drinking. It will help you get through her speech. Something about being real and not feeling worthy and needing realness and boldness and feeling worthy and wow, isn’t she lucky??? Oh wait, those were happy tears, Hannah? Here I was thinking you were looking around the room at Cam the Interrupting Rapper, and that guy who looks like Nick Viall, and Jed who is cute and totally not using this platform to get a record deal, and the roided out dude who gets messages from Jesus while exfoliating his butt cheeks, and 36 other guys named Tyler with hair so big it’s full of secrets and feeling sad but you are feeling #blessed. Girl, wipe your nose and go find that husband. HE IS TOTALLY IN THAT ROOM RIGHT NOW. I can feel it.

But let’s hope it’s not Cam who interrupted some more one-on-one time claiming he had something planned for all three of them. Uh, all of them? You talking about that dude she was just making out with? He brought Hannah and the other guy over to a heart-shaped crop circle on the cobblestone driveway and fed them chicken nuggets and sheep’s blood.

I honor you and respect you, so I’m giving you this tray of nuggets to please take inside so Hannah and I can enjoy an evening of overt creepiness. It’s a very Cam thing to do.
Image courtesy of ABC

Guy Interrupted was not pleased with Cam’s crafty craft services shenanigans. When Cam returned to Bachelor Mansion, the other guy chucked a handful of chicken nuggets in his face. I shit you not. He threw nuggets at the guy. And Cam was all like, “Really dude? You think this is the first time someone’s thrown fast food in my face? HA!”

And if THAT wasn’t gross enough– you have no idea what was going down in the next room. Well, for starters, there was a massage table. (Go ahead and spit out that bile that’s pooling in your mouth hole.) Luke P. and Hannah were getting ready to make a baby right there on that table. Then Poor Jed walked in and was like, “MY EYES! MY GODDAMN EYES! HOW AM I GOING TO READ THAT RECORDING CONTRACT I’M SURE TO SCORE AFTER THIS ORDEAL IS OVER???” Luke P. tried to make him feel better by saying it wasn’t what it looked like. It wasn’t all the way out for god’s sake. They weren’t having actual sex, Jed. Just some flirty dry humping on a massage table. No bigs. Jed walked away and Hannah dropped 11 F-bombs in a row and claimed she didn’t know what to do. WHAT THE F*%K DO YOU DO WHEN ONE BOYFRIEND SEES YOU EATING THE PECS RIGHT OFF YOUR OTHER BOYFRIEND??? This was so confusing. She ran off to find Jed who would rather have watched his parents have sex than that shit show, but still managed to laugh it off. Hannah was so relieved. He was totally the perfect guy to walk in on her and Luke P. doing the divine twine. I’m starting to like this guy. Let THAT shows you what kind of caliber of men we’re dealing with this season.

Some more conversations and kissing happened before Chris Harrison returned from a long hiatus to say it was time for the doling of the roses. A handful of guys leave, but not Cam or Luke P. Shit, even JOHN PAUL JONES is still there. But we are down at least one Connor.

You would think the drama ended there but as long as Cam and Luke P. are present, this dumpster fire will burn eternal. Cam decided to toast to Hannah Ayala (sp?) which of course is his last name. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. The other guys refused and threw figurative chicken nuggets at him. And then Luke P. interrupted Hannah’s interview with the producers to tell her how real and trust-worthy he is. Obviously when a guy tells you that, it’s true.

Super excited to see Cam do Cam things and Luke P. be creepy. That reminds of one of my favorite jokes! How does Luke P. get through the forest? He takes the psychopath!

Until next week, friends!


The Bachelorette Recap, Ep 1 (pt.2): Girl on the Side and One in the Bush

Oh man, so far behind so let’s finish up that first episode with a quick recap.

After she meets all her suitors, Hannah makes a quick stop in the bushes to pray. She asks the good lord to give her “words” and make her sound smart. Watching her in an honest vulnerable moment like that was bit heartbreaking and scummy even for these producers. It’s also an exercise in futility as everyone knows God hangs out in showers, not bushes.

She finds enough words to give a speech telling the guys she ain’t perfect and she doesn’t want perfect and if they’re after perfect they best make like a woman in Alabama who values her human rights and leave.

Luke P. doesn’t give a shit what nonsense Hannah is spewing and is totally here for the right reasons– TO WIN. He immediately whisked the bachelorette away much to the shock and dismay of those other dudes. Wait. Did he seriously just leave with her? Like to go be alone? Has he no consideration for the 28 guys she’s dating? Rude, man! You call yourself a Christian?

Luke wasted no time letting Hannah know he’s hot on her tail– I mean trail. He told her she was the most beautiful girl he ever saw. Hannah was impressed!

Hannah: Tell me more about yourself. Like exactly how many girls have you seen in your life?

Luke: I’m an uncle. It’s so amazing! But I’m like totally behind. I’m 24 and don’t have a girlfriend or a wife or nothing!

Hannah: Did you know people have babies in their thirties???

Luke: They are gross and desperate. I’m ready now.

Hannah: Same!

Luke: And I thought this is the LAST place I’d find a girlfriend!

Hannah: Same!

Luke: And I know I don’t know you all that well, but I’m already falling for you so you best make like a smushed tomato and catch-up, girl!

Hannah: Same!

HANNAH! Luke is a shister! I mean, look at that beady-eyed little born-again! No f’ing way does he love you! He just met you! And if he honestly thinks he does then that’s a bigger problem. Like he’s mental! Also I know your being sequestered that weird little love world right now and probably don’t have access to NPR but you need to know your beloved, home state of which you represented in the Miss America pageant just criminalized abortion and I’m having a really hard time watching your season because your probably going to end up with a guy who voted for Trump and not really care as long as he has a smattering of facial hair and tattooed pecs. Hannah, in case you are wondering, none of this is good.

But I digress.

She spend the rest of her evening hanging out with some of the other guys, talked about her struggle to be perfect, had a fake bachelorette party thrown by a guy who’s never seen a bachelorette party, not even in a movie, and gratuitously made out with a handful of men. Mike is a standout guy so far. He seems genuine, has a nice, smile and totally the guy you want to sit next to at a dinner party when you don’t know anyone there. But he doesn’t have a chance.

Mike for Bachelor!

Because she met Cam on the After the Final Rose episode, he claimed it was techinically their second date and therefore totally okay to make out. Hannah agreed, excited for the world to see close ups of her sucking face. Cam looks like a terrible kisser. Sorry, Cam but you look like a terrible kisser. Stick to rapping. Nope, not that either. Go find Luke P. and ask for a pamphlet.

Close-Up Kissing Cam! EWWWWW

Hannah gave the first impression rose to Luke P. because she is a needy pageant queen who desperately needs affirmations. Also she’s 24. I already hate this season.

Umm, you’re so March 2019, girls.

Oh right, these two bitches.

I didn’t bring up Katie and Demi from Colton’s season because:

  1. I don’t want to
  2. I don’t like them.
  3. I thought their appearance at the beginning of this episode was a dumb little schtick that would never rear its heavily pancake make-uped face again.
  4. I want them to go away.

They did not. Instead they rolled up in a white surveillance van and parked it on the Bachelor Mansion driveway, which is totally normal, necessary, and not a dumb way to build fake suspense and contrived drama AT ALL. Apparently Demi got some intel claiming one of Hannah’s potential husbands isn’t HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. This guy ALLEGEDLY has a girlfriend back home. He was ALLEGEDLY planning a vacation with her sometime between inevitably getting dumped by Hannah and securing 50,000 IG followers. Hannah’s besties lie in wait in the back of their pedophile van, watching closed circuit televisions to figure out which guy is the bad actor.

Jed and his awkward facial hair sand to Hannah so clearly it couldn’t be him.

Pilot-in-uniform-guy seems nice, so nope. Can’t be that guy.

Scott says Hannah took his breath away when he first saw her.

What’s that you say, Lassie? That’s the big, two-timing meanie? Nailed it!

Here is Demi concentrating really hard on solving this mystery:

OMG, stay calm, Demi. You’re in the back of a van. Clearly you’ve been kidnapped again.

Here is Demi at the exact moment she figured it out!

Took your breath away, you say? And yet…you’re still breathing… I’m solvin’ a mystery!

Girls asked Chris to fetch Hannah STAT and bring her to the van.

Hannah was ON FIRE! She stomps back to the mansion and dragged Scott off for a “probably not so good chat.”

The other guys are baffled and turned on by Hannah’s assertiveness. God granted her words alright!

Out of earshot but in full view of the house, Hannah rips into Scott.

Hannah: Ha! I know why you were all nervous about being here! YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!

Scott: No, I don’t.

Hannah: Yeah, you do. Demi read your texts. She’s outside in a van right now!

Scott: Nope, not admitting that.

Hannah: Did you talk to this girlfriend on Monday?

Scott: (Clears throat.) Well, yeah, but I’ve been like super honest up until right now.

Hannah: So you kept a girlfriend back home just to be safe?

Scott: Okay, I can see why you would think that.

Hannah: This is not okay. The other guys went through the effort to break up with their girlfriends before they got here.

Scott: Okay fine, you want me to be honest? I was dating a girl up until Monday, maybe Tuesday. Maybe we’re still dating. I really don’t know.

Hannah: That is not fair. I have no idea why anyone would come on a reality TV show to find love without the purest of intentions.

Scott: Fine, if you want me to leave, I will, but you were just dating Colton so it’s the same thing.

Hannah: No it isn’t.

Scott: Yeah, it kind of is.

Hannah: Man, I wish I could just send your ass home.

Scott: Well, you can, dummy. It’s your show.

Hannah: Oh, yeah! Please go home.

Scott: Sorry you feel that way. I’d probably be sad if I didn’t have a girlfriend to go home to.

Uh, Scott, you’re not good looking enough to be that sleazy.

Reeling from confrontation, Hannah told the other guys Scott had a girlfriend and that’s kind of frowned upon on this show so he’s gone now. Hannah left to pray in the bushes again. The guys have hard time seeing her so upset. Especially Luke goddamn P. Before the other guys can say, “Jesus hand me some detangler,” he’s off making sure Hannah was okay. She wasn’t. She was freezing. Luke was sorry to hear that, but found it hard to be empathetic to her plight because he was nice and snuggled into an ill-fitted, shitty blue sport coat. What’s that ol’ proverb? Teach a woman to ask a producer to find her a shawl, and she’ll be warm for a night. But make her shiver in her sequins and she’ll totally give you the first impression rose? What the hell, Hannah? Where were your dumb Mystery Incorporated van hoe’s now?

Much mashing of the faces ensues.

And on the first day, the lord whispered, “I will engulf your face with one kiss.And then I will impregnate you.”

Afterwards Luke was sweating balls. Maybe it was the hot makeout sesh or maybe it was his nice warm jacket. Either way it’s gonna be an awkward shower with God tomorrow. He’s even more convinced that Hannah WILL BE WON.

Oh! It’s Chris Harrison ting-tinging a spoon against a champagne glass signifying the party was over. Time for the rose ceremony.

As she doles out the flowers, the producers cut to JOHN PAUL JONES who got increasingly more frantic. Look, bitches, he didn’t forgo a promotion to spend just a few hours here. And goddammit, he was running out of coke! Oh JPJ, have you never seen this show? She hates your guts, but you’re creepy and bat shit crazy so producers love you. You’re golden until at least week 5.

I mean, why wouldn’t you give this guy a rose? Other than he looks like a bastard Trump child.

Of course JPJ got the final rose and accepted it WITH GRATITUDE! Can’t say the same thing for that promotion HE GAVE UP TO BE HERE, HANNAH! Now hand him so nose candy!

Old Matt Donald, the Box King, and a bunch of guys I don’t remember seeing were all sent packing.

Old Matt Donald is going to need time to recover from this.

Sigh…back to swiping

And that guy? Well, he’s super happy for Hannah and hopes she finds love, but he’s really sad for himself. He cries.

Now on to a much shorter episode 2 recap which involves DRAG QUEENS! YESSSSSS!

The Bachelorette Recap, Part 1: Say Roll Freakin’ Tide One More Time…

You guys, its Bachelorette season. Nope, not talking about drunk packs of girls wearing sashes and wobbly heels (although they’re in season too), it’s The Bachelorette season, as in my second guiltiest pleasure.

Hanna Brown, a cast-off from Colton McBoringvirginpants’ season, is our new bachelorette. She’s a former Miss Alabama who occasionally enters into Beast Mode and can’t string a single sentence together unless the words Roll goddamn Tide are in it. We get it, Hannah. You’re a fan. Now stop.

Honestly, I can take or leave Hannah. I find it odd that a woman who has trained her whole life to be a pageant queen basically imploded when Colten asked her to make a toast. I mean, my job media trained me so I could coherently talk about demons rising from the abyss. You’d think she must have bankrolled someone to teach her how to articulate her feelings on why bullies and climate change are bad, right?

I haven’t finished the episode yet, but I will offer a hypothesis on how this season goes:

Hannah will meet 25-30 super bros. They’ll be mostly young (24 -ish), most will be named Connor or Luke (Connor = Lauren, Luke = Heather), there will be athletes with baby fever, shy nerds with thick wallets, down-home, good ol’ southern boys who like red Solo cups and wearing Greek letters on their hoodies. And Hannah will love them all. Man, I hope they have a good editor.

So who are the newest crop of brewhams angling for a chance to be the next Bachelor. Let’s take a look.

First, we have extended intros for a smattering of Hannah’s suitors. There’s Tyler NOT YOUR AVERAGE CONTRACTOR from Jupiter, Fl. Incidentally that’s where my parents have a condo and I recognized every location featured in his montage. Well, all but the dusty workspace where he’s gotta cut loose and kick off his Sunday shoes. Oh yes, he’s not average because he’s a dancer! A dancing contractor! SPOILER: my dad sent me a clip from the Jupiter newspaper saying Tyler was spotted at our favorite tiki bar with Miss Hannah herself which can only mean they were there on a hometown date which can only mean he makes it to the top 4. I’m like 113 degrees away from The Bachelor franchise! And Kevin Bacon!

Then there was guy who tries to prove how charming and laid back and nice to animals he is by letting his dog make-out with him and pretending to like it. Also he’s in love with his great grandmother (but in a really charming, laid back, nice to animals sort of way. She was truly adorable.)

We saw a couple guys borrowing, and subsequently awkwardly holding, newborns while the new moms were in the background like, “HOLD THE HEAD UP, YOU DUMB ASS BONG!” Because, baby fever.

And then there’s Luke P. He’s one to watch! He used to be a high school slut until God visited him in the SHOWER and was all like, “Duuuuude! That’s not the guy you want to be!” and Luke P. was all like, “God! I’m in the shower, man! Can this wait? Also, yah it is!” But Luke P. believed God and now spends all his time reading the Bible and studying up on how to be a good husband.

And OMG, John Paul Jones. What in the actual brokaki is happening here? I’m shocked it has taken producers this long to unearth this crotch turd. Is he an actor? Because HE IS NOT A REAL PERSON. He’s an animated caricature of romcom high school villain. He’s someone the Teen Titans would fight. You look at him and immediately stuff yourself in a locker. Also, he goes by JOHN PAUL JONES. Not John Paul, or JP, or John. You must say ALL THREE NAMES. SAY IT!

Even God wouldn’t visit JOHNPAULJONES.

We also saw some wimpy dude who’s voice kept cracking.

And God in a Shower Stall help us all: We got Joe the Grocer, Part II. It’s Joe the BOX KING from Chicago. I ask you, Bachelor producers–is this a trope we really need? Joe the BOX KING is fronting the family box empire. He’s got a box for all your needs! Moving? Got it! Box for your junk? Got that too! Junk? Yep, he’s got junk and damn proud of it. On my nerves. Make like a budget international package and ship off , Joe.

Okay, let’s get to the limo exits! One of my favorite parts of the first episode is sizing up how Chris Harrison treats the star. You can pretty much tell if he likes them, tolerates them, or is plain old dreading this season. I think he’s already tired of Miss Alabama, her fear of words, and love of sequins. There will be sequins. So many sequins.

Chris is decent. Not overly excited, but she’s no Juan Pablo either. He never told her she looked good even though she stepped out of the limo looking like the solar system and was clearly waiting for the compliment. That’s some serious shade, right there. Let the journey begin!

Body language experts* say “The distance between Chris and Hannah prove he did not want Hannah to be the Bachelorette, but he still gets a paycheck no matter who it is. *body language expert = me.
Photo courtesy of E! News.

We meet:

Garrett: Pro golfer, from Alabama. Wants to be her hole in one. Probably a top contender.

Mike: Lives by the 5 C’s. Charisma, confidence? Cheesiness? Cleft chin? No idea. Who freakin’ cares. This guy makes out with dogs.

Jed: From Nashville. Let me guess, Jed, YOU’RE A MUSICIAN?

Tyler C.: NOT YOUR AVERAGE CONTRACTOR. “Hey Hannah, you look hot, come find me later, I have a surprise in store for you.” Gross. I feel dirty! I want a shower but God is in there and taking forever!

Dylan: Cute smile, seems nice. Won’t last long.

Connor S.: Jumped a fence for her. Jesus, how tall is this guy?

Devin: Belongs on a dance floor. Made some dumb joke pretending to be a virgin. M’kay, Devin.

JOHNPAULJONES: “My name is John Paul Jones, my friends call me John Paul Jones, so you can call me John Paul Jones, see ya inside.” Douchebag.

I mean, amirite? Tool.

(I will say that Hannah’s reaction to him instantly endeared her to me. After he walked away she said to herself, “Say JOHNPAULJONES three times fast! Okay, got it!” Good one, Hannah! Too bad saying it doesn’t make Bloody Mary appear and eat his head.)

Brian: Too nervous. Seems like he should be hosting supermarket-themed game shows.

Scott: Also totally nervous. Looking for a life partner. Look for a stiff drink and a half tablet of Benadryl instead, Scott. You’ll be fine.

Matteo: “Uhh, know that feeling when someone is so hot and you just want to make-out with them so bad that you loose your breath? Yeah, I’m like totally experiencing that right now.”

Daron: Tried to go in the wrong door and that is the most interesting thing about this guy.

Tyler G.: Since he found out she was the Bachelorette, she’s been in ALL HIS DREAMS. Hey Tyler? Murder much?

Thomas: Meeting Hannah is almost as good as traveling. Or something like that.

Matthew: Occupation is car bid spotter? What the…?

Box King Joe: Arrived in a giant package. Because of course. All I could think about was who is going to clean up all those damn styrofoam peanuts? YOU CHECK ALL OF MY BOXES!

Return to Sender, Box King.

Joey: Shows up with a carseat and shushes the contents. Surprise! Not a baby! It’s champagne. Let’s get this party started!

Connor J.: Speaks French to a girl who can’t quite grasp English.

Ryan: Rolls in on skates. ROLL TIDE. Ohhh, I get it! Get the f*$k gone, Ryan.

Hunter: Gives her a tie so together they can “tie the knot.” How about…NOT?!

Grant: Okay, first his occupation is listed as Unemployed. Second, he’s eating a hotdog as part of his schtick. Third, he’s talking with his mouth full. Fourth, he’s maybe the worst contestant in Bachelor history. Like ever. If I were Hannah I’d be pissed they gave him a spot instead of say, Steve Bannon or a Tide Pod.

It’s a sausage party! Where? Wherever I go, baby. Relish it now cuz I’m gonna ketchup to you. Probably in a dark alley.

Jonathan: Gave her pizza. Pizza his heart! Heeyyyyyyyy!

Kevin: Dropped a bunch of footballs. “Guess I fumbled that intro!”

Luke P.: Got on limo, roared, called himself Kind of the Jungle. Wants her to be queen. God is not here for that, Luke. Hannah’s the one handing out titles.

Yeast Mode.

Luke S.: Thinks Hannah has a calming presence. In fact, he’s so calm he’s boring.

Dustin: Sneakers and nose ring.

Cam: Got the first rose during the After the Final Rose show because of his white boy rapping skillz. He raps again. Okay, Cam, here’s the deal, the rapping needs to stop. Like now. Also saying things like, “ABC, always be Cam” and “spitting bars like Willy Wonka” should also stop now.

Matt: His name is Matt Donald. Showed up on a tractor. Get it? Ol’ Matt Donald.

Chasen: What the hell is that name, Chasen? He’s a pilot. But he’s not the only pilot. Which displeases him.

Peter: He’s also a pilot but was smart enough to show up in uniform. Damn, Chasen! He was gonna wear his uniform! Hannah loves a guy in uniform. *My pick for first impression rose.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is your 2019 Bachelorette Cast of millennials with just the right amount of facial hair and bony ankle bits poking out of their cropped skinny jeans. And that is also as much as I could stand to watch tonight.

What happens next? How long will it take Hannah to hand out a rose? How many times does someone threaten to throw JOHNPAULJONES in the pool? Who does God visit in the shower next? Stay tuned, we’re getting there!


The Bachelor, Season 23, Ep. 1-3: Air Horny


We’ve all seen the previews for this season of The Bachelor. We all have the same questions:

Why’d they pick Colton Underwhelming?

Is he still a virgin?

Why does he take a flying leap over that fence???

Also, why is Shelly so far behind in her recaps?

Well, good questions. All of them. I got behind. Like more behind than the lawnchairs at Bachelor Mansion. I think it’s like week 4 or something? And well…yawn…I’m bored. But okay, let’s talk about things.

Here’s what you’ve been missing:

Remember when I thought Ari’s season was so boring? Well, it was, but this season might make all of last season look like the spawn of Breaking Bad and that episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey when Teresa flipped the table. Colton is just plain awkward. Like about-to-lose-your-virginity-in-a-fantasy-suite-on-TV-awkward. He can’t make conversation to save his life. He’s more terrified of being alone with women than Mike Pence. He lacks charisma, passion, and decent facial hair. There are not enough gratuitous soapy shower scenes to get me on board. I’m just not that into him.

Nope.

But thirty other women apparently are. Or apparently willing to act like they are for a shot at getting sidebared in Us Weekly. Who are this season’s dirt-thirsty ladies vying for Colton’s V-card? Well, you’ve got your bunch o’ blondes with blunt-end bobs and barrel curls, a few unstable, insecure brunettes with giant mouths and bony chests, and a bevy of beautiful minority women who will drop like diaphragms in the fantasy suite once we hit week 3.

I can’t remember them all, but here are the tropes you need to know:

Demi: 24, bimbo next door, sexually aggressive, PV understudy, clearly wants to be the villain, enjoys antagonizing the cougars (girls over the age of 27)

Hannah G: Yes, of course there are 2 Hannahs! This one got of the important roses. First impression? I think? Clearly not the memorable Hannah.

Colton thinks she reminds him of home.
 You say “home,” I say, “Electronic robotic toy.”

Hannah B.: Miss Alabama, y’all! Hates Caelynn.

Caelynne: Miss North Carolina, y’all! Hates Hannah B.

Onyeka: The outspoken African American woman whom the producers will play up to be angry and competitive.

Heather: Never been kissed. Clearly a one-upper.

Elyse: Seems sad to be on The Bachelor. Like a 6th grader who’s family moved from a small town in Olklahoma to a Chicago suburb. She’ll make friends eventually. Cougar.

Tracy: Unhinged and hungry. Looks like she lost 7 pounds between commercials. Would like to murder Demi. Cougar.

No, girl. We do not do hats on The Bachelor. Also, no girl, you are not a wardrobe stylist.

Nicole: Sassy Latina, has twin autistic brother whom SHE WILL NEVER LEAVE. Unless it’s to find her secondary beneficiary on reality TV. I’m not sure we have a single mom this season so she might be filling that void.

So they all get out of the limo and squeal about how handsome Colton is and how they can’t believe their only impression was seeing his bad facial hair through a tinted limo window, yet they can already see a future with him.

The first group date of the episode is at a theater where they get a quick lesson in storytelling from Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally whose advice included, “I don’t think you can say hot as f*ck” and “Oh, yeah, you can totally swear on The Bachelor.”

The girls ran off with their mole skin notebooks to jot down notes about their memorable “firsts.”

Elyse talked about how she used to date older dudes… until now. Demi was super impressed with her brutal honestly. “There’s no advantage to being old.”

Whew! Are these lights hot up here or is it perimenopause?

Elyse is 31.

Onyeka’s story was about having to save Colton from “drowning in a bunch of thirsty bitches.” Uh, Onyeka, you gotta know your audience. Those thirsty bitches were right there! And they were not impressed.

Tracy told a tale about how her and her buddy tried to deflower the same guy. Blah blah blah, she woke up to the other girl punching her in the face. The end.

Demi’s story was about how she usually sleeps with guys on the first date and was sort of pissed Colton didn’t consider her getting out of a limo their first date. She stormed off the stage and planted a big, old kiss on his mouth. That’ll learn him. Naturally the other girls were HORRIFIED! They wanted their first kiss to be consensual! Who the hell would just go off and kiss a dude square on the lips! ON TV! You think guys want hot, (albeit in a torch-your-car-after-carving-your-initials-into-his-bare-shoulder-blade-with a-butter-knife sort of way) 24 year-old chicks to just throw themselves at their feet? Not cool, Demi!

After the show, the group convened at a rooftop bar (surprise!), where Colton was assaulted once more by Demi who forced him to compliment her earlier bold move. Terrified, he admitted he, “liked her confidence.”

“Oh, I’m all about confidence,” she said.

“Yeah, I can see that.”

“I’m a total woman’s supporter.”

I will strangle the cougars with my bare, giant, man hands then rub their carcasses all over my boosom!

Oh, yep, Demi. Totally. You’re like a big, old underwire bra.

When she rejoined the bored, sad cougar girls, she grabbed the date rose, rubbed it over her body like it was a bar of Camay soap, and claimed that bitch was hers. Ew, Demi, you can have it! No one wants a rose with your herpes on it!

People, let’s chat about protocol for a minute here. You don’t touch the date rose. LIKE EVER. That rose is not yours to hand out. It’s THE BACHELOR’S. That rose is sacred. It is to be looked upon with wanton lust like it literally holds the key for the rest of your happy days because it LITERALLY DOES. But you must never touch it! Remember black Jesus in Madonna’s Like a Prayer video? YOU DON’T TOUCH BLACK JESUS, MADONNA! Black Jesus is the rose!

This brazen act made Tracy short of breath. Like literally sick to her stomach.

You are not a good Cuban girl from Miami if you don’t tell someone off in the first episode. Nicole is a good Cuban girl from Miami.

Nicole: ¿Que demonios, dummy?

Demi: Yah. Totally sorry.

Nicole: That rose is not a blacklight, bitch. Why you got to be rubbing it all over yourself?

Demi wasn’t 100% sure, but she thought Nicole was angry because “she had a frowny face on.” Or maybe that was just her face. It’s hard to tell with older women because they’re just so darn wrinkly!

Bored of getting yelled at by old ladies, Demi took to spying on Furby and Colton as they made out. Demi fed off other girls kissing Colton. Demi was hungry.

Are they speaking furbish?

Elyse’s story about dating older dudes impressed Colton so much, he bequeathed her with the Demi-tainted date rose. Hmm, is there an advantage to being an older woman here?

Meanwhile we learn about Caelynn and Hannah’s storied backstory. They were roommates at Miss America. Friends turned enemies. Caelynn is fake. Hannah B. is insecure. They are both toxic, manipulative, and jealous. Hannah B. will crumble. Caelynn’s true colors will kill the very soul of Colton in this life and every past one. He will want to jump over a fence before handing either girl a rose. Eventually. Right now he still thinks their both smoking hot.

Hannah B. got the first one on one much to Caelynn’s dismay. But it was her birthday!

To celebrate (he had no clue), Colton took Hannah to the desert for some ebullient conversation:

Colton: Look at these views.

Hannah B. So pretty.

Colton: Have you ever seen rock formations like this?

Hannah B. I think so? Is this Arizona-ish?

Colton: Yeah!

Uh oh. Colton was not impressed. He expected more from Miss Alabama, but the conversation is…dull. When in doubt, put on a tiny bathing suit and disappear into a portable, strategically placed hot tub. More comfortable in less clothes, Hannah B. started to open up.

Hannah B.: If things aren’t perfect, I will spiral and CUT A BITCH.

Colton: Ha ha ha! Let’s make a toast!

Hannah B.: I don’t know how to do that.

Then she spent the next 33 minutes pulling an eyelash off Colton’s face.

No, bitch, WE ARE MAKING A WISH RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!

The second group of girls headed off to Camp Bachelor where they wore silly uniforms, play Duck Duck Goose and Red Rover, and make catty remarks about each other. This totally reminds me of college. (Theater major, heyyyyyyyyyy!)

Colton said, “shuttlecock” and all the girls blushed.

Then comedian Billy Eichner showed up for no good reason. Colton’s cue card forced him to say he was a big fan because “Billy just says what’s on his mind!” So cool!

Billy announced the girls were going to compete in some good old fashioned camp games. Losers go home, winners go to sleepaway camp with Colton. Everyone has to get to third base in the woods.

Wait. I could win and have to sleep in the mud, pee in a bucket, and not be able to plug in my flat iron OR lose and go back to a heated pool and craft services at Bachelor Mansion? Hmm…

Onyeka promised to murder someone if she got sent home because some dumb, skinny bitch couldn’t walk a straight line while balancing an egg on a spoon in her mouth hole.

Red team won.

Yellow team cried.

Ol’ virgin lips Heather wanted to tell Colton she’s never kissed a boy but is scared he’ll think she’s not ready for marriage. Umm, honey? You’re not ready for an 8th grade dance, but you do you!

Hi, I’m Heather from Carlsbad! I’m 22, I’m a NEVER BEEN KISSED.

Wouldn’t you know it? She got the date rose!

Twenty other women are in need of roses by the time we get to the cocktail party. Honestly I don’t know if this is Episode 2 or 3 or even The Bachelor anymore. I kind of wasn’t paying attention. (Shh…)

Demi prophesizes a hard night ahead–especially for the older girls having to stand around in their high heels and compression stockings.

Some chick blasted an air horn whenever she wanted Colton’s attention. The other girls just loved that!

And becasue ABC has already given up on this season, they’re not even trying to cover up shoddy camera work or keep staffers out of their shots. Could this guy be the next bachelor? Or at least the next Fuji Water Girl.

Uhhh, should you be here, mister?

Seriously, who was this guy???

Sydney can’t take the damn air horn so she came outside banging a spoon and cookie tray in Colton’s face.

Air horn said she ain’t leaving.

So Sydney came back with a beverage tub and mallet.

Oh, when the sluts… come marching in!

The other girls were so confused. Were they supposed to be banging spoons against large, metal objects too? Was that a euphemism for what they were going to do to Colton in the fantasy suite?

Colton lost another eyelash.

Demi came out wearing a bathrobe and forced Colton to go upstairs with her.

Tracy was not having it. Uh uh. That cougar was on the scent and it smelled remarkably like jalapeno margaritas and Monistat 7.

Turns out Demi was only giving Colton an innocent massage. And she had her cocktail dress on under that robe. Silly! What did you think was happening?

Tracy cried.

Demi confronted her.

Tracy felt disrespected.

Demi told Tracy she was one of the most amazing women and storytellers she’s ever met. But she was only 23 and hasn’t met a lot of people yet. But still, she was cool for a cougar. Then she filled up her cocktail, laid down, and waited for her rose.

The itsy, bitsy bikini crawled up my butt crack…

At the rose ceremony, Colton felt hopeful. HIS WIFE WAS IN THAT ROOM. Or not. But for sure the girl who would let him dock at her harbor was in that room. Hey man, ABC was paying for the condoms. This was happening!

Tracy’s face went from confused to disturbed to deranged having to watch those other women (including THAT CHILD, DEMI) get roses. Of course she was the last rose of the night.

Wow. Last rose. Didn’t see that coming. Should have worn a hat.

Angelique on the other hand was surprised she didn’t get a rose. She felt it, ya know? He seemed like a genuine nice guy but how could he be? He didn’t give her a rose!

Annie didn’t think he got to know her. That was her biggest fear and it happened and she got her heart ripped out of her chest. It was so embarrassing and now she just wants to go home. Well, guess what! Annie, please pack your stripper heels and go.

Rejection was her biggest fear. And then she saw the back of her dress and realized that’s the last anyone saw of her.

So, uh, yep. That’s what you missed. Or at least all I can remember from the first three episodes. Who cares? Oh, fine, I do, I guess. At least until we find out why Colton jumps over that stupid fence.

The Bachelor, Week 5: I Can’t Even

If you’re coming here for your Bachelor recaps, you’re in the wrong place.

I know.

Shocking.

No, it’s me. Really. And I’m fine, promise. I want to watch The Bachelor and recap it in all its sad, desperate, tropey, predictable glory, but come on! I need a little help here! Could this season be more boring? Could Arie be more hateable, arrogant, boring, and whiny? Are any of us surprised? Sigh…not really.

Anyway, this whole season has been boring. I don’t even get around to watching the episodes until days after they air. I now fully believe that Krystal is a paid actor. ABC must have known they were in for a dud of a season so they hired someone with the worst voice ever to create unrealistic drama, steal the villain crown right off of Chelsea’s head, and grate on the nerves of EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO INFINITY.

Just…please…have you considered community theater?

Krystal, I appreciate the effort, I really do, but even I’m not buying it and I am willing to suspend my disbelief for even the New Jersey Housewives.

I watched half of last night’s episode and was seriously not compelled to write a damn thing except, “Wow, I should try bowling sometime” and “Bekkah does a pretty good imitation of Krystal.” Even Krystal’s big, dumb tantrum didn’t move me.

So I leave you with this image because it really sums up how dumb this season is. Also, watching it with captions on is opening a whole new portal into hell. Especially when the captions say things, IN A HIGH PITCHED VOICE or IN A NORMAL VOICE. 

This here is Tia. She’s besties with Raven, the runner-up from Nick’s season. You might remember Raven as the gothy southern girl who almost took  her boyfriend out with her stiletto. So, yeah, they breed ’em real special in Arkansas. Weiner, Arkansas to be exact.

Anyway, this here is moments after she she professed her almost love for Arie. So romantic, right?

“I’ve been waiting for you to push me off something. Anything. Like this balcony would do. Please. A broken pelvis would be more fun than you, Arie.”

I mean, I just can’t.

But I will.

Sigh…

 

The Bachelor: I Can’t Even Come Up with a Title for This Drivel

When I was about 6, I followed my brother into a House of Mirrors at an amusement park. He ditched me about 1.3 seconds later citing some bullshit like, “Oh, I didn’t see you behind me.” Really, dear brother?  You couldn’t see me in a HOUSE OF MIRRORS?

I have a terrible sense of direction. If I tell you, “Oh that really good pizza place we liked is right over there!” it’s not. It’s probably not in the same town. Also, if you try giving me directions and say something stupid like “It’s just north of the freeway” I’m going to punch you in the neck. North is  up, jackass. Give me some good old-fashioned rights and lefts, okay?

So imagine young Shelly (who often gets lost on an airplane trying to find her seat after a visit to the lavatory) alone in a carnival torture house designed to confuse young children and separate them from their families. Now imagine having to see your horrified little face reflected back 1000x into infinity.

I had an awkward phase, okay?

But I’m no dummy. Continued movement would have been futile. It didn’t have 2,945 back issues of Tiger Beat or a Mickey Mouse telephone, but that house of mirrors was my new home. So I plopped down right there and accepted my fate. God, I missed Pepsi and elephant ears.

Four days minutes later, the teenaged ticket-taker told me to get up and walked me seven feet to the exit.

Admittedly, I probably don’t look in a mirror as often as I should, which results in showing up to places with toothpaste dribbled down the front of my shirt or mascara only on one eye. Shit happens. But I’m pretty sure that’s because I’m too lazy to look straight ahead and not permanently scarred from a childhood carnival experience.

Poor Annaliese (“Which one is that?” you ask. “THE BLONDE ONE!” I tell you.) clearly doesn’t have the fortitude to move on from hers.*

Arie, as you know, is our Bachelor (yawn) who happens to be a race car driver (yeah, yeah, Arie, we are soooooooooooooo impressed) and isn’t this guy:

STILL NOT OVER IT. 

He enjoys showing off his race car driver moves any chance he gets. (Yawn again.) Have you ever wondered how the show comes up with all those clever group dates? Of course you have. Here’s what happens: The producers look over the questionnaires filled out by contestants and look for responses to the WHAT ARE YOU MOST TRAUMATIZED BY? (FEEL FREE TO USE AN ADDITIONAL SHEET OF PAPER) question.

Woe is Annaliese, because this group date had the girls participating in a demolition derby which unearthed her very painful past. You see, when Annaliese was a child some asshat (probably a loving adult!) took her to a carnival (PROBABLY TO HAVE FUN!) and let her ride the bumper cars. GET THIS– OTHER CARS HIT HER CAR! What the what? Who does that??? Watching all those derby cars get all creamed and stuff was just too much for Annaliese to bear. So she had to stand on the sidelines, shaking and sobbing and accepting fake, mannequin-armed hugs from the other girls while her sweaty tears plowed through all that expensive BB cream. And if THAT scene weren’t dramatic enough, the producers reached deep into their bag of “cheap ploys to make it clear we are totally giving up this season” satchel to give us a very special reenactment.

“We’ve got nothing left this season, kids! Unless someone is afraid of bees or thunder? Can I get some gluten intolerance up in here? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE RECREATE A BAD ALLERGIC REACTION?

You guys, that is not just a reenactment, but it came with creepy carnival music!

You guys, that is not just a reenactment, THAT IS A SEPIA-TONED REENACTMENT.

It’s like our blurry, pixelated faces were there too!

I AM FEELING HER PAIN! It is DEEP IN MY GUT! Oh no wait, that is just laughter.

Arie tried to be empathetic, telling her she could sit this one out if she really needed to, but if she did decide to participate he’d totally protect her. Maybe later he’d even rub his dumb pillow lips all over her sad, wet face.

“So wait, you’re afraid of bumper cars. Did I ever tell you I’m a race car driver? Like a real one? Cuz I am! Also my lips are like two, big airbags. You’re totally safe with me…uh…Lauren?”

And now I’m traumatized because I can’t tell if The Bachelor was seriously trying to get us past the dyed roots and into this woman’s head or if they’re all saying, “F.U. Arie! Your season blows! Let’s just trash the place and burn it down!”

Please God let it be the latter! (EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s totally the latter. I’ve seen the latest episode.)

But, wait.

Are they making fun of themselves? 

You’re better than this, Bachelor! And by “better” I mean, worse! So much worse! Don’t let me down!

Even the other girls thought this whole trauma thing was ridiculous. I mean being afraid of swimming pigs, sobriety, or yeast infections is totes normal but bumper cars? Come on, girl!  Jenna thought she could knock some sense into Annaliese by repeatedly ramming into her when Ol’ Pillow Lips wasn’t looking, which kind of worked. Annaliese seemed rather aggressive for someone who couldn’t handle a little light jostling in a heavily padded carnival toy car, but whatevs. I’m no shrink.

What else happened? Let’s see:

Krystal–my god– is cray cray and super annoying. For someone who claims to make a living  making others, “feel their best feels”, she sure likes making other woman feel angry. It’s pretty much guaranteed that whatever words spoken in her drunk, husky baby voice are going to suck. Even though she already had a rose, she stole Arie away TWICE during the cocktail party. One of those times was right out of Bibiana’s vice grip, seconds before she would have choked Arie out. Dammit, Krystal!

No, bitch, you need to check yourself before I rip those wicked biceps right off your stupidly toned body!

Bibiana cracked, threatened to leave, gave up, sat back down, yelled at Krystal, got up to leave, didn’t talk to Arie, finally talked to Arie, took a Valium, drank a bunch of vodka, bit the head off a bat, drank more vodka, and calmly accepted rose #18 out of 18 from Arie.

Angry Anonymous Blonde #4, #12, and #16 were sent home. Angry Anonymous Blonde #4 didn’t even bother saying goodbye to Arie, which made Arie sad. No one gets out of here without a stiff hug and an extra heaping of televised humiliation.

“Hey, sorry about dumping you. I honestly can’t tell all these blonde girls named Lauren apart and it’s hurting my head.”

“I’m not sad about you dumping me. I’m sad that I have to leave all this free alcohol behind.”

I hear that, Angry Anonymous Blonde #4. Surely the girls are pouring one out in your name.

*You can’t make this shit up. It can and will get worse, I promise.

 

The Bachelor: Lost Limbs…and Shit

I watched 45 minutes of The Bachelor while on the treadmill and really I should loose 84 pounds by the time this train wreck of a season is over. It’s…so…hard…to…look…away. But I did. But only because I was so excited TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST 3 MINUTES!

First, yes, something AMAZING happens later in the show that I haven’t “officially” gotten to yet, but I totally YouTubed because I heard how good it was. (When your male co-workers seek you out to talk about something that happened on The Bachelor, that is some good TV right there.) And it was. But in the worst possible way. It’s almost like The Bachelor is making fun of itself. Like they’re all, “Well. We’ve pretty much sunk to as low as we can go. Our bachelor is super boring and a solid NYC/LA 5 (Scottsdale 7.5), and no one is going to forgive us for not casting that other guy. Might as well bust out the sepia-toned reenactments to illustrate just how wicked dumb our cast is.”

Who me?

Yes, Peter, you. It should have been you. WE GET IT!

Whatevs.

BUT WE ARE NOT THERE YET.

We are here.

A lovely sunny morning. The girls are half drunk on champagne and rosé all day when Chris Harrison arrived. He gave them this ominous message:

One of you will be Arie’s wife.

There was an audible gasp like they just heard, “4 out of 6 of you will become Restylane-intolerant.” It was almost like a threat, like Chris knew they’d rather grow hermit crab claws and pull out their own eyelash extensions than have to accept Arie’s thoughtfully chosen Neil Lane sparkler. They’re not here for him! They’re here to audition for the next season of The Bachelorette! But Chris reminded them how real this is. If he had to suffer through this season, so did they. Remember your purpose, ladies! You are nothing more than Jabba’s palace dancers in ankle booties and slouchy sweaters. NOW DANCE!

Oh, fine.

Chris left them with a date card. The girls went ballistic, side-eyeing the shit out of each other and smacking the fresh mimosa off their lips like storm-addled waves hitting the shores of Desperation Island. The first one-on-one date of the season went to Becca K who was whisked off on a motorcycle.

A motorcycle! Egads!

Motorcycles are great because they spark conversational gold like this awesome exchange between Chelsea (villain) and two other girls who are probably named Lauren.

CHELSEA: I’m jealous.

MAYBE LAUREN 1: Yeah.

CHELSEA: I really like the feeling of being behind something that is bigger than me. Like…holding on and stuff.

MAYBE LAUREN 1: Yeah.

MAYBE LAUREN 2: I’m like, totally scared of motorcycles. My dad had a really bad motorcycle accident and I know people who have like lost limbs and things like that.

Like, LIMBS, you guys. This is some serious shit.

MAYBE LAUREN 1: Huh.

MAYBE LAUREN 2: If I was on that date, I would have to like, had to tell him…

MAYBE LAUREN 1: It’s good…it’s good that you weren’t.

CHELSEA leans close to MAYBE LAUREN 2 and bit her head off.

End Scene

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what true empathy looks like. Also what six bottles of rosé before 9AM looks like.

Meanwhile… Arie and Becca K ride off to a mysterious mansion where they meet Scooby Doo and some meddling kids. Not really. But they did run into an awful lot of shellfish. Like an ungodly amount.

What in the name of Long John Silver is going on here?

It was dangling from pedestals three feet in the air. It was clinging to the Carrara marble countertop. It was a bizzaro Hansel and Gretel under the sea. I mean, what kind of budget are working with here, ABC?

Seriously a LOT of shellfish! Was it someone’s birthday or something? Did Uber Eats totally screw up the order? Is craft services super high?

It was festooned across Arie’s chin and eventually his lap because no way was he letting that shit go to waste. He’s the God damn Bachelor, America! Not that God damn Peter guy! He may not get the girl, but he’s eating the shit out of some shellfish.

If you think the location of the date was rather random– a really nice house overlooking the water– the actual date activities will really jumble your brain. All 26 pounds of Rachel Zoe popped out from behind a clothing rack (we know she ain’t here for the shellfish)

“Surprise!” Arie said. “That’s Rachel Zoe. She’s going to style you!”

Becca made like she was going in for a hug, but really she was blinking out distress signals.

I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE HERE WITH HIM. STOP. HE HAS CRABS. LOTS AND LOTS OF CRABS. STOP.

But alas, she stuck around and tried on 136 evening gowns and surprise again! She got to keep them all thanks to Arie. (But really ABC. And Rachel. But okay, Arie, small victory for you.)

I realized this was ABC’s weak attempt to make us like Arie. Like he’s such a gentleman! A true Prince Charming! He’s not here because he’s a D-list fame whore from Scottsdale. He really cares about these girls! He wants to make them feel special! It’s all about the girls. Instead I feel sad because I wonder how tough times have gotten for Rachel Zoe. I used to really like her show.

But I digress.

And then when they were enjoying some champs by the sea some random dude in sunglasses and a suite waddles up to them. NOT WEIRD AT ALL.

“Neil Lane sends his regards,” he said, handing Arie a briefcase.

Oh good! ABC is cutting this season short! It’s the final rose ceremony! Oh, it’s not? Sigh…Not a ring. Just everything else: Earrings, bracelets, a necklace to go with the free outfit she’ll don later that night. Arie kept telling her she deserved it. He really wanted to spoil her. He’s really grossing me out. But man, Becca K is pretty much guaranteed to walk off this show with something of value. FINALLY!

Becca almost got bludgeoned with empty chardonnay bottles when she returned to the lady house. Bitch, do not walk through these doors in your inappropriate sparkling shoes (Louboutins! Also a freebie!) with your shopping bags full of Rachel Zoe promotional consideration. DO NOT. Bibiana (who–how did I miss this before–is clearly this season’s mujer loca), got super emotional looking at those shoes because where she comes from that is clearly a sign of impending marriage. Why don’t they all just go home now?

The date continued in the evening with a fake dinner where Becca talked about her late father (sad) and Arie talked about race cars (of course.) Then Arie mashed his “pillow lips” up against her face while they mumbled about how much they liked kissing each other while they were kissing each other.

BUT THAT WASN’T THE REALLY GOOD PART!

There was another one-on-one date with Krystal where Arie took her back to his hometown of Scottsdale because he forgot to feed his cats and might have left his curling iron on. They watched home videos, looked through his color-coded closet, drove past the Pizza Hut where he worked before getting the call from ABC to be the next bachelor. Oh, and they dropped by to meet his sad, Dutch family.

After meeting Arie’s brother and sister-in-law, Arie’s mom and Krystal had this fun exchange:

MOM: They just got married.

KRYSTAL: Oh, that’s nice!

MOM: They are nice normal people who met in a nice, normal way.

KRYSTAL: So great!

MOM: Not on TV.

KRYSTAL: I get it, nice Dutch lady.

MOM: They got married in the Netherlands. Not on a TV show.

KRYSTAL: Look bitch, I don’t like your son anyway. None of us do so there’s not going to be a freakin’ wedding– televised or otherwise. Bye now!

That is also where I had to say buh bye because my legs were getting all liquidy and someone had to pick the child up from pre-school. I can’t wait to tell you about the REALLY GOOD* thing that happened!

*That, ladies and gentlemen, is a cliffhanger made all the more intense by the fact I’m writing this THREE days after the episode aired. Don’t you dare Google it! Wait for me! I’ll be back!

So I Watched The Bachelor. A Little.

Okay, fine, I started watching the new season of The Bachelor but only because it was my first day back on the treadmill in 729 days and I needed a good distraction.

Here’s what I know so far:

  • Ari likes blondes
  • Oops, I mean, “Arie”
  • There are so many race car puns
  • I still don’t like him
  • I don’t think Chris Harrison likes him (“Wow, you haven’t managed to have a relationship in five years, huh? Wow, wow, wow. So here we are.”)
  • Even the girls were struggling to think of good things to say about him (“He…um…has such a full head of hair!”)

As for the cast, well you’ve got your spray tans and baby voices and nervous chardonnay drinkers. And clearly casting couldn’t find enough delusional fame whores to date Ari (sorry, ARIE) so they cast the same girl three times.

Head tilt left, head tilt left, head tilt right. There! Now they’ll never know it’s the same girl! 

And of course the usual tropes are immediately obvious:

The “I’m not here to make friends” award goes to:

“Hair down, boobs out, bitches.”

Interesting facts about Chelsea: she also fills the “single mom” trope. (Let’s pour one out for that poor kid) and she bears an uncanny resemblance to one of the best villains of all time: Olivia!

Girl, let me tell you exactly how this shit ends: Alone, on an island, sweating in your mom jeans.

The only thing Chelsea likes about women is talking shit about them. Chelsea is going to love living in a house with 28 other women–especially when they all get on the same cycle.

The “Lovable Weirdo” award goes to:

Dead things, dead things, yay for dead things!

She has a tiny guitar she used to serenade a dead seal. That’s right– Kendall likes dead things. As in taxidermy. She collects it, what? Relationships end (for her a year was her longest) but dead things last forever! Can’t argue with that! Kendall is my top pick!

The “Overcompensating Entrance” award goes to:

Wow, these girls were really leaning into the whole race card driver thing. One girl even made a god awful “pit stop” joke after making Ari (GOD DAMMIT ARIE) smell her B.O. BEKAH, the nanny from Fresno, rode in on a cherry red Mustang, only to be bested by Maquel (that’s right, bitches, MA-QUEL) who showed up in an actual race car. I mean, come on BEKAH! Why you gotta be half-assing it on day 1?! Also spell your name right! Also girls with short hair never go far on this show. YOU KNOW THAT! Does a nanny not pull in enough coin to spring for some damn hair extensions???

Does this helmet make my daddy issues look big? Because lemme tell you– they’re HUGE!

The “Have you never seen this show?” award goes to:

Hey, Valerie? So this is a reality show called, The Bachelor where we pick a bunch of spray tanned, bouncy haired girls with little self-esteem, but lots of cut out dresses to all compete for one man’s affections. There are a lot of girls– really pretty girls– here because THAT’S THE WHOLE FREAKIN’ PREMISE OF THE SHOW, YOU DUMMY!

So many girls! This must be where Wonder Woman lives!

The “Why can’t I find love” award goes to:

Okay, so they could all pretty much get this coveted award, but I’m going with Maquel because she flat out whinnied, “Why can’t I find love?” (Or some strain of that B.S.) during her intro montage.

Maquel photographs newlyweds so she can steal their stupid, selfish souls and keep them in bell jars in her closet.

She’s a photographer who loves to shoot (like literally shoot!) engaged couples so she can make them feel bad for finding each other while she’s still single. SO RUDE! Hey Maquel, do you know why you can’t find love? Because you’re TWENTY-THREE! Cool your freakin’ jets. No love until you can legally rent a car, okay? Speaking of which, Alamo should not have let you drive that race car off the lot!!! Hope you had a co-signer!

The “Lauren” award goes to:

How many Laurens can you stuff in a limo? There’s always at least 2 per season, but there was a bumper crop this year because we got 4.

So I’ll be Double, you be Double and you guys can be Toil and Trouble. Yay! Image credit: PAUL HEBERT VIA GETTY IMAGES

The non-Laurens could hardly believe it. What was this, some kind of nomenclature sorcery?

And that’s what I know 43 minutes into the show. Will I keep watching? Am I already hooked? Can I quit this stupid show?

Oh fine. More later.

The Bachelor, Finale: Court the Raven Nevermore

The final episode began in Northern Finland. Home of Santa Claus, Nick’s sad, depressed family, and roving gangs of angry female department store elves helmed by Amy Schumer’s distant cousin.

"You take your fake wives, and your cameras, and sad pathetic love life, and get the eff out of here!"
“You take your fake wives, and your cameras, and sad pathetic love life, and get the eff out of here!”

For the last three years, Viall family vacations are tied to the ABC production budget. At least Finland was a cool place to visit. As they tentatively waited to meet the two seasonal loves of Nick’s life, they reminisced about meeting his two other TV almost-wives.

“We were devastated after Andi and Caitlin,” Nick’s dad recalled. “People asked if it was possible that it could happen again. Of course it is, I told them! Have you met Nick?”

Nick made a last ditch effort to stir up some drama on the world’s most undramatic Bachelor season ever by pretending to be all terrified he’s gonna get dumped at the altar again. Clearly this was producer mandated because Vanessa was also pretending to have second thoughts about accepting the proposal from a man who doesn’t even have her phone number.

Nick’s sad, traumatized family met Raven first. She was on her best behavior because she knew when you marry someone you marry the whole damn family.

Nick’s little sister Bella (who had the pleasure of meeting Raven a few weeks ago when Nick ambushed her soccer match) pulled Raven aside first.

Bella: Look bitch, I didn’t get yanked out of school to come to this freezing ass place to see my brother get dumped again. Do you know how embarrassing this is for a girl in middle school?

Raven: I’m kind of like a girl in middle school. Only I just had an orgasm!

Bella: So has every girl in middle school, dummy. Get with it. Do you love my big, dumb brother or what?

Raven: Yes!

Bella: Okay! I really like you and hope he picks you. I mean, i don’t know that other girl, but if you promise to say yes, I’m totes sold!

Also sold was Nick’s mom who was convinced Raven couldn’t possibly hurt anyone. Uhhhh, Nick’s Mom? Let me tell you a story about a little, holy, goth girl and her high heeled shoe.

The next day Vanessa got to meet the Viall clan and they were made instantly aware this girl was way out of Nick’s league. Vanessa recanted their first date and that special way Nick looked at her after she threw up his mouth.

“Bingo! That’s what I’ve been looking for my whole life!!”

Vanessa’s approach to meeting the family was a tad different than Raven’s. While the latter was all moony-eyed and ready to pass out save the date cards, Vanessa took a more…what’s the word…realistic approach. First she told Nick’s mom she wanted to end up with Nick, but was scared to get engaged because you know– they don’t really know each other.

Then she told his sister she was worried about where they’ll live and–gasp– having to compromise.

Finally she asked his dad if love was all you needed to make a relationship work.

“Nope,” his dad said. “You need compromise, selflessness, willingness to stop going on dates in front of cameras, desire to live in the same country.”

And then he burst out crying.

And then she burst out crying.

And then they hugged.

Later Nick and his dad chatted about chicks.

Dad: You have a type.

Nick: No, I don’t.

Dad. You do. You like women you meet on TV.

Nick: Nah, not always. I banged that chick from Jade and Tanner’s wedding.

Dad: Don’t forget your track record.

Nick: Right. Good talk, Dad. Good talk.

Afterwards, the family then discussed options with Nick like maybe eHarmony or a personal ad or hooking up with college students at a bar. Dad said he’d be cool with either girl. Mom thought Raven’s eagerness to get a proposal might be a red flag.(Ya think, Nick’s Mom?)

Nick kept harping on the fact that there was a very real chance that one of these girls could dump his ass if he proposes because…you know… it’s happened. Twice.

Overall, Nick’s family is just about done with this TV nonsense.

Tell me again why I'm on TV pretending to believe you actually love some chick you've talked to six times?
Tell me again why I’m on TV pretending to believe you actually love some chick you’ve talked to six times?

Really? You're gonna marry one of these girls? For, like, reals?
Really? You’re gonna marry one of these girls? For, like, reals?

I'm 12 and I know how stupid this is. You're a eff'ing idiot, big bro.
When I grow up I hope I don’t have to meet guys on game shows. 

Then it was time for the last dates before the inevitable proposal.

Vanessa put on her tall hat and joined Nick for an afternoon experiencing Nordic traditions like horseback riding and hanging out with Santa Claus. Vanessa felt like she was back in her childhood when she would ride a horse up mountain, knock on a random cabin, and a strange foreign man would wave her in.

Santa gave the couple some fertility-boon laser etched wood plaque depicting their faces before sending them off  to have another weird conversation about their future.

Totally nailed the tall, goofy hat.
Totally nailed Venla’s tall, goofy hat.

Vanessa cried. Nick mumbled. She was upset. He was clueless. Did she want to say yes if he proposed? Would he move to Canada? Did she even really like him? She was determined to get reassurance later that night.

Vanessa: Everytime I ask you a question I get a very general answer.

Nick: ABC is making me be vague. It’s not good for ratings if I tell you I’m gonna pick you before the finale even though everyone knows I’m going to.

Vanessa: It’s not fair to make me wait and pretend Raven is actually competition. TELL ME!

Nick: Well I’ve been dumped on TV twice so I am very careful with my heart. Does that make sound romantic and hopeful or like the jaded, cynical prick I am?

Vanessa: Are you ready to propose?

Nick: Isn’t Finland beautiful?

Vanessa:  I hate you.

Nick: I know. I hate me too.

Vanessa: That might be the only thing we have in common.

Then it was Raven’s turn, which meant another horrific music montage this time accompanying Nick and Raven’s ice skating date. They groped and spun and almost fell down as Kiss Me–a song as dated and cheesy as they are– played in the background. Raven was giddy thinking this was her last date as a single person ever.

Once again their afternoon cumulates with some having petting on an inappropriate surface.

Incidentally this is also my last date as a single person because I'm about to propose to that other girl!
Incidentally this is also my last date as a single person because I’m about to propose to that other girl!

After skating they warmed up by a fire. Nick left to retrieve a surprise and came back with three adorable husky puppies.

“I hope my kids with nick are as cute as these puppies!” Raven squealed.

The evening portion of the date took place at a chalet where Raven exuded more confidence in iIck being the person she was supposed to be with it.

“It’s a true love, y’all!

Nick toasted and thanked her for being there, sleeping with him, and allowing herself to fall in love. She thought that was so dang sweet.

Raven: So how are you doing? I mean, without giving too much detail. I don’t wanna get bored.

Nick: Man, it’s hard. This is a lot of pressure. You think it’s easy to have two girlfriends?

Raven: I never said that.

Nick: It’s hard! Thank goodness there’s PA’s around to help me remember your names.

Raven: Well, let me tell you, I will totally say yes when you propose. I’m ready! No hesitation! Vote for me!

Nick: Aw, now you’re sweet. You’re so sincere. It’s so hard to imagine you nearly bludgeoning someone to death with a shoe.

Now, if you’ve ever watched this show you know exactly how it’s going to turn out. There’s always one over-confident contestant and one humble one. Clearly he’s not going to pick the over-confident one because– hello! DRAMA. No freakin’ way.

Nick went back to his Nordic dungeon and thought about these two doomed relationships and let his heart guide him to the one who would earn him the most publicity.

At last, the world’s most famous traveling ring salesman showed up to schelp his overdesigned wares.

Nick: Neil Lane! We meet again!

Neil: Seriously man. You’ve been on this show almost as many times as I have.

Cut to Vanessa who was already sobbing in her evening gown. She was having some serious hesitations about getting engaged to this yahoo. There were still so many questions. Where will they live??? How could she leave her family??? Does Nick even have a job???

Then there was Raven, working on her Dream Wedding Pinterest board and waxing on about how Nick is everything she ever wanted.

“I believe in fairy tales! I’m ready! Bring it on!!!”

Nick was worried that if he proposed to Vanessa she might actually say no. She kept wanting answers to stupid logistical questions and reassurances about his stupid feelings. So lame. Maybe he should propose to Sure Thing Raven so he could finally live out his dream of getting engaged on national television. Then he burst into tears at the thought of having to dump someone the way he had been dumped all those times before.

The first limo pulled up and you know whomever gets out first is the reject. To my delight, Raven in a gaudy silver bridesmaid-to-a bride-who-clearly-hated-her-friends-dress stepped out. Yay! #sorrynotsorry.

She didn’t waste any time launching into a diatribe about how much she loved him and how he’s everything she ever wanted.

Not the face you want to see after professing your love for a reality TV "star."
Not the face you want to see after professing your love for a reality TV “star.”

It took a while, but she finally got it. He didn’t kiss her on the mouth. They weren’t making out on a bed of straw and shards of glass. He wasn’t even smiling. Hmm…

I'm two seconds away from taking off these heels...
I’m two seconds away from taking off these heels…

NIck: Uhh, I really care about you, I respect you. I have much love for you. But umm… I just don’t think I’m in love with you. Miss you!

Raven: I know.

Nick: Sorry.

Raven: It’s cool. I can always be the next Bachelorette!

Nick: Umm, no you can’t. They already picked Rachel.

Raven: Rachel? But she’s black!’

Nick: Lemme walk you out.

Not only did Raven not get a ring, she didn’t get to retrieve her coat! Poor girl was freezing in the back of a limo wondering why Jesus won’t just let her be happy.

I was surprised she held it together so well. Oh wait, never mind!

Lights up. We see girl in desperate need of of a haircut and color crying and shivering in the back of  a limo. She has a tiny mouth, like someone painted over her real mouth with flesh colored paint and taped a black pipe cleaner in it’s place. Yes, a black pipe cleaner. She’s grossly overdressed and clearly freezing because she doesn’t have a coat. As she speaks, she is overcome with emotion, barely able to get the full impact of her self-loathing across.  

Girl in Limo: Is it that no one can feel that way about me? I wish I could find love. But I don’t even know if that’s possible. So why even look? It’s probably not possible. Now I have to go back to Arkansas and have my creepy brother spy on me and all the guys I take into the grain silos to make out with and them beat up with my shoe. Sigh…

Lights down.

Nick confessed he had been falling in love with Vanessa for a long time and was still fake worried about getting dumped. But he had been fighting the feeling for a long, long time and gosh darnit, he wasn’t fighting it anymore! He was going to ask her to marry him!

Vanessa spent her limo ride fretting over if Nick was really ready to deal with the pressures that came with an engagement like people constantly asking where you’re going to live and what will you do for a living. So annoying.

As they came face to face in the candlelit Nordic lodge, Nick said he knew the exact moment he fell in love with her. (HINT: It was after she threw up in his mouth.)

“When I look at you, all I see is my future and includes several covers of Us Weekly dedicated to our engagement and subsequent break up.”

Then Vanessa made a big, dumb speech.

“I didn’t think you would notice me. But instead you noticed every part of me. Thank you for taking another chance on love.”

Oh, please. What is this crap? OMG, who cares? No! NOT ME! IT’S NOT REAL, SHELLY! 

So yeah, they’re probably broken up by now, which is why I wasn’t rushing to post this, but I know what you’re thinking: What will Nick do now that the cameras are turned off? Go away and enjoy life outside of the public eye? Reconnect with his sad family? Get to know his new fiancé? Oh hell no!

Because of course.
Because of course.

And the Universe has realigned itself.

Rachel, we are ready for you. Don’t disappoint us.