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Dear Dad,

Notice how I didn’t address you by that embarrassing nickname I’ve been calling you for the last 33 years? Nice, huh?

Well don’t get excited. This isn’t a love letter. This is a letter to ask you why you had to be:

  • Present in my formative years
  • Loving
  • Nurturing
  • Funny
  • A disciplinarian (when necessary)
  • A confidant
  • A wealth of information
  • A positive role-model
  • The example for what qualities I should look for in a husband and father (and holy cow, if I didn’t totally nail that one! Creepy how similar you two are.)
  • And a multitude of other things that forced me to become a responsible, well-balanced, mature young (!) lady

I’m terribly upset by this, Father, as it has become clear to me that I will never earn myself a place on The Bachelor. Nope. I will never have the chance to go on national TV and fall in love with a stranger that 30 other unstable women (whom I happen to live with) are also falling for.

Daddddddddy! I want to make a fool of myself in front of co-workers, ex-teachers, and your business associates! I want to air my dirty laundry, failed relationships, and emotional baggage! I want to cry so hard my mascara leaves my face looking like a California hillside after 78 days of rain. Pleaaaaaaaaase!!!!! You never let me do anything!

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so hard on these girls. I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt (why?) until I heard Girl A wax on about her “daddy issues” to The Bachelor only to hear him lament his own. Seriously?! Him too?!

What a tool...

And then there was the girl who said she’s been trying to get on the show “for 8 years” and “spent a fortune on new dresses.” Wait. 8 years? But “The Bachelor” hasn’t been “the bachelor” for 8 years. So she was content to take any old candidate? As long as she had to compete for him in front of millions of people? Let me get this straight: She spent the last 8 years trying to get on a nationally televised dating show instead of… oh I don’t know… joining e-Harmony, going on a blind date, joining a board game club? Anything but auditioning for The Bachelor! And guess what. She got the boot.

Oh, but the girl who whined the whole day about it being her birthday? “It’s my birthday and I’m stuck here with you bitches. I’m 30 today. Happy Birthday to me. Blah blah blah.” Listen Birthday Girl, no one forced you to be on the show. And if you’re too stupid to read a calendar to determine that your birthday happens to be day 2 of filming The Bachelor, well then, call a cop. But she got a rose. He kept her.  At least I think he did. They all started to look alike after the first 45 minutes.

I know what you’re thinking: Why are you watching this crap? And I am here to tell you once again: I have no standards. I am weak. I’m a sucker for a good train wreck. In fact, tonight after dinner, B and I watched a new-to-us show called You’re Cut Off. It’s about a houseful of rich bitches sent to live like “commoners” by their families/boyfriends/pimps. Holy cat fights. If you like watching overly-made up women get drunk on boxed wine and rip out each other’s hair extensions, this show is for you!  We totally got a Season Pass to that one! For the record, Celebrity Rehab was on after and we drew the line there. I guess we do have standards.

Shelly Mazzanoble

6 Replies to “A Letter To My Dad”

  1. OMG! That night my coworker watched parts of “You’re Cut Off.” I couldn’t stand it! Not because I have high standards, I just don’t like the sound of fingernails scratching down the chalkboard radiating from my TV.

    I’m glad to hear you have standards after all! 🙂

    Ted

  2. Yes, Rachael, there were a multitude of words to choose from. It was a difficult choice. I feel like I use D-bag too often so I thought I’d mix it up. But seriously– this guy is an idiot. He’s dumb as rocks, has daddy issues, and isn’t even attractive. Why did they give him a second chance?

    Ted, I haven’t gone back to “You’re Cut Off” yet. But I don’t know how much longer I can hold out…

  3. Yo Shell,

    I am going to suggest something that is probably going to horrify you, but personally, I think we ought to ban reality trash T.V. shows from the air waves. Why are we clogging our T.V. channels with parodies of the way life is supposed to be where absolutely horrid human behavior is not only allowed but encouraged for ratings? The Bachelor? Flavor of Love (that man is repulsive, did you see him on Surreal life)? This is not how a relationship is supposed to develop. My Supter Sweet Sixteen? Hooray for materialist, spoiled girls bankrupting their parents with petulant, emotional black mail? The craze is obvious. It’s all about shock value and jaw-dropping bad behavior. What I’m saying is what is this doing to our children. As a teacher, I can tell you that the vast majority of parents are not monitoring such programs and half of them are watching these shows with their kids. If this explosion of reality T.V. is not further proof that our society is suffering serious decay, then what is?

    Even if they showed a real working relationship with a healthy couple, where neither looks like a plastic model with perfect pecs and a beyonce booty, where their physical attraction develops AFTER a budding friendship deepens into something more, where they share not just sex but actual interests and quality time, where they can be in the same room together doing separate activities and still be together, I would “still” protest. I would protest because life’s most intense moments are not meant to be an exhibition. Not all mistakes are meant to be splayed across the screen like a side show carnival freak attraction.

    It doesn’t matter if it’s scripted. The people watching it think its real; our children think it’s real. Can’t we do like Howard Stern here and put him outside of the general public so that people have to run out of their way for televised dumpster diving?

  4. T.S. I agree with you! I do! I believe there are levels of reality trash. Sweet 16, Bridalplasty, Rock of Love– bottom of the barrel. But Amazing Race, Top Chef, Project Runway– top of the list. And what about HGTV? I can’t live without House Hunters! Can we ban everything but that plus the A-list reality shows? If so, I fully support this movement. Where do I sign?

  5. Yes my sister! Flip This House for the win (although Armando is rude to his wife). My wife adores the Amazing Race, but ever sicne that girl refused to go down the water slides for a million dollars, I’ve been bitter. I suppose we can keep those, but you have to start the petition. You are Shelly Mazzanoble, Published Writer Extraordinaire! Organize the people! Fight the man!

    Sincerely

    Mr. Passthebuck

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