Gotta Bounce
I've done some crappy things as a parent and guarantee that's the shit he will remember and not that time his mom stuffed her sweaty, bloated body into an inflatable bubble suit and fell victim to a diving crossbody.
Lies and Other Quarantine Truths
Girl, are you wearing a bra? Because nope. That’s not how we roll in homeschool. We bounce. We jiggle. We let the ladies run free like a herd of wild mares. If your kid’s Zoom class isn’t always in critical danger of getting a faceful of your lady bubbles, you get an F in homeschool.
Smother’s Day
The child insists only mama knows how to make a Lunchable. Yes, a Lunchable. The thing that comes in a box already prepared. I admit, I do take the time to spread the sauce equally across the 3 tiny pitas and dispense exactly the same amount of yellow and white cheese on each, but what savage doesn't?
Recycling: A Mother F’ing Love Story
"No! No oops! I broke down all the boxes. You said they were too big so I made them small! I made them nice for you!"
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!
How to be Corona Positive (in a Good Way. Not THAT way.)
No one wants to be Coronavirus positive, but there are Coronavirus positive outcomes. Here's a few I hope continue when this whole thing is over (and it will be.)
Better Bachelors Play D&D
Season 4,297 of The Bachelor recently ended, and I think we can all say it was about as big of a champagne-fueled dumpster fire as we’ve ever witnessed..the blame belongs squarely on the lead himself: Pete the Pilot is not a Dungeon Master.
The 4 Best Reality Shows You’re Not Watching
We’re in the Golden Age of reality television. From inmates looking for love, to housewives looking for inmates, there’s something to please even the most discerning, voyeuristic palate. With this embarrassment of riches, your DVR might be missing a few gems. Here are 4 great reality shows you should be watching.
We Are Very Happy, Thank You.
Looking at the photo, I thought, "Hmm, I don't remember us going to downtown Seattle to see Christmas lights. The only time we did that it was not such a good time." Clearly these people were having fun! They were making memories! Starting traditions! You could practically smell the peppermint infused cocoa on their breath. Wait, that's definitely Bailey's wafting off the mom.
Kinder-F’ing-Garten
And just as he was about to disappear into the double doors of the abyss, he turned around, giving me one last chance to fix this dreadful, horrific mistake. Maybe he saw a crack in my foundation. Maybe he had beaten me down. Maybe he saw his father being comforted by a group of fifth graders. Whatever it was, he saw his last chance and made a break for it, still holding the sign, and headed right for me-- his mother, protector, sanctuary, source of all that’s comforting-- who was yelling, “Get away from me, child!" as she braced for impact.