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I love Joan Rivers. Did you know that? I do. Love. Her. Next to Joan Crawford, she’s my most favorite, older, inappropriate, role model named Joan. I find her greatly inspiring. Do you have any idea how hard that woman works? She’s out there pounding the pavement, torturing assistants, writing and cataloging jokes. On a side note, you should really check out her documentary, A Piece of Work. Even non-adorers agree. It’s a fine piece of work.

But back to how she inspires me. Yep, she’s funny and a talented writer, and has more staying power than a pair of Spanx, but really it’s her dishy fashion critiques that really get me going. Oh Joan, how you make me wish every day was award season! How I wish her and  I could sup on gelato while we sit on park benches in downtown making snap judgements about my fellow Seattlites. What fun!

After every award show I set my DVR for the Fashion Police and sit rapt and giddy (yes you can be both) while Joan slings her trademark tactless fashion analysis. Like January Jones was only wearing that big ass hoop dress because she clearly has a yeast infection in need of aerating. Do you really want to miss out on this? You don’t. Set your DVRs. E! replays it constantly.

I’m so inspired by Miss Rivers that I have decided to do my own fashion police. Call me a Junior Officer. Or maybe a Rent-a-Cop. I’ve got nothing on Joan but I am a fine arm chair stylist. Let the judgement reign!

Auf Wiedersehen Pants!

Do I just love Project Runway or do I really like this shirt? Say what? It’s a dress? Umm… I think I just love Project Runway. Let’s be honest, Heidi. What would you say to a fledgling designer who sent this down the runway? I’ll tell you!

“I don git it. Did she fhourget to put on her pints? I tink I see her leadie bits poking out.”

Whatever. I don’t do German accents. (What I really want to know is what Michael Kors would say.)

Anyhoo, beautifully designed, but a little short for a 30-something mother of four, wouldn’t you say? Wait, did I say four? Yes, four. In that case, let it all hang out.

Bloodsucker. Emphasis on the "suck."

No likely Anna Paquin! No likey True Blood! I tried. I did. But they kept killiing off the only characters I could stand and left me with whiny, sweaty, bad accented fakies who were in desperate need of a stake through their hearts. This may be tainting my view of this god-awful dress body armor. I’m quite certain that even if Joan Rivers herself were wearing this monstrosity  I’d hate it. What the F is on your chest, Anna? Are you a freakin’ Paladin? Quarterback for the Egyptian Tuts lingerie football league? C3PO’s prom date? It’s awful. Please go home and change.

Wait. Where are we going again?

Felicity, I totally dig your laid back California vibe. I think we might even be friends in real life. And I love your pretty pink sundress– If I were say, hanging out on your patio drinking mojitos. But, umm, you’re at the Emmys, darling. And not the Daytime Emmys. Like the for real Emmys. You look beautiful, don’t get me wrong but I’m embarrassed just looking at you. Now, can I borrow that dress for my friend’s baby shower? I’ll have it back by evening so you can be inappropriately dressed for your next black tie affair.

TeleTummy

So, Elaine is aging well. I say that not knowing how old she is. I hope older than me. She’s got a rockin’ body but I’m not sure one that warrants a Teletubby peak-a-boo stomach panel. What is that? Why is that? What are we looking at? Ugh, remember that filthy nylon stocking Gweneth wore to the Oscars one year? Ahhh! I’m having flashbacks! Moving on!

Fey what, Tina?

Another example of funny girls gone bad. Tina always seems to have a bit of trouble when it comes to dressing up. Maybe she doesn’t like dresses. Maybe she’s trying to be funny? Maybe we’ll give her a pass because she’s so freakin’ cute and talented and I love her.

Like White On Rice

No! What are you doing here???? Go away! Go! Shoo!

Your Mama

Ahhh! Double go away! Why are you here? Good thing Kim’s dress was designed with extra long coattails.

Why roam when you can get it at home?

I do love me some Dexter. Just can’t watch it before bed anymore. And I do love these two with the exception of one major problem: They are brother and sister. I know, I know, it’s on television but I still can’t accept them as a married couple. But they sure look nice, don’t they?

Modern Family?

???

Head of the Class

Love. This. Dress. Glee indeed! This is my nominee for best dressed.

Judging is hard and I’m tired. And more importantly my DVR is 98% full so I best be going. And guess what! Wishes do come true because Joan will be back on television every week with The Fashion Police on E! I suppose it’s best to leave the judging to the experts.

Auf Wiedersehen, Emmys! Until next time.

Shelly Mazzanoble

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