For 24 hours!
I’m a goddamn adult, people! No one can tell me not to eat but me! So why did I tell myself not to eat?
Good question. I really don’t know why people fast. Perhaps I should Google that? My trailer thought it would be a good idea because I kept complaining about the 11 pounds I gained since summer. (On Weight Watchers*. I gained 11 pounds as a Weight Watchers member. A Weight Watchers member with a personal trainer.) Also, it’s cleansing. And apparently I need that.
Tomorrow I’m firing my trainer.
But first I must get through today without turning into this guy. No offense, Fred.
This would be really hard. I’m an eater. I live for food. I grew up getting praised for how much food I could pack away. My appetite was the stuff of legend. You thought the relatives were there for the turkey and camaraderie? Oh no, they were there to see “Moo Moo” eat an entire box of Rice-a-Roni and seven pork chops before polishing off an entire box of Entenmann’s donuts.
If there is anything nine hours of not eating has taught me it’s how much I love eating. But alas, today I had nothing to look forward to.
“Well, I guess I’ll just go to sleep as soon as I come home from work,” I told Bart.
“Really?” he asked. “You can’t think of one thing worth staying up for that doesn’t involve food?”
I thought about it. Hallmark holiday movies? ASMR videos? those weird kombucha beverages my trainer told me to drink in lieu of actual food? NO! I HAD NOTHING!
At 10:08 PM last night I bid adieu to food by channeling the very hungry caterpillar and eating a granola bar, a bowl of honey wheat pretzels sticks, two string cheeses, a handful of Quinn’s Halloween candy (you snooze, you loose, kid), chocolate Teddy Grahams, and a bagel with whipped cream cheese. I figured this was like a marathon runners carbo-loading before the big race, right?
At 10:45 PM, I stared long and hard at the pantry, committing to memory the beauty it held within. Goodbye, Trader Joe’s Cheese Puffs, farewell, yogurt covered raisin, godspeed, caramel corn. I didn’t even know you.
How would I ever get through the day? Like this:
6:10 AM: The only time I’m not hungry is when I wake up. I eat my breakfast when I get to work about 2 hours later. But this morning I was absolutely ravenous. So I drank twice as much black coffee hoping it would fill the Egg McMuffin shaped void in my gut.
8:00 AM: I’M SHAKING!
8:45AM: Shit’s starting to get real. OMG, I thought. I won’t even get to enjoy a last meal before I die. I texted my friend to take my mind off of it.
Me: i’m fasting. my trainer told me to do it. and i’m only allowed to drink kombucha drinks. and i’m dying. for real. this is the end of me. i will be murdered by visions of fried ravioli and cheese sticks. i will miss you. will you check on Zini once in a while?
Friend: Of course I’ll check on Zini! You had a good run …
Me: I’d say I’m a walking HR nightmare right now, but I’m not because I’m too weak to walk. But I’m getting meaner by the minute. Why can’t adults pick their feet up when they walk??? Stop shuffling! I can’t take the sound of shuffling! It’s like a reverse ASMR video. Imma gonna cut a’ bitch, i swear!
Me: omg i’m dyyyyyyinnnnnngggg. why do i love food so much?
Friend: How long has it been since you ate?
Me: Counting sleep? TEN HOURS!
Friend: Oh for f*ck’s sake…
Me: I can feel my skin sinking into my cheekbones. i’m decomposing!!!
Friend: Bet you look amazing! Like the Crypt Keeper!
Me: goodbye cruel world.
10:12 AM: I finished my first kombucha drink. And guess what! I was totally full and satisfied!
Of course I wasn’t full or satisfied! I consumed 25 liquid calories! I was STARVING! Alone! Naked and Afraid! (On the inside anyway.)
11:23 AM: Facebook is in my head, man. Why are they serving me cheese fondue ads????
11:24 AM: Nope. Not cheese fondue. That’s an ad for Estroven. But still– F#@K Off, Facebook!
11:41 AM: WHEN DOES THE CLEAN FEELING KICK IN???
11:52 AM: I should be getting all excited for my lunch. Instead I cry at my desk. Yummmmmm…salty tears. Reminds me of chocolate covered pretzels…No! GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!
12:01 PM: Ginger flavored kombucha. Wow. So good.
12:06 PM: Uh oh. Co-worker dropped his lunch of floor. Bahahahahahaha!!!!
12:07 PM: Feel bad for laughing at co-worker. I’m a terrible person. What good is a clean digestive track if my heart is so sullied?
12:14 PM: Friend posts photo of kid’s fifth birthday party. OMG WHAT WOULD I DO FOR A TINY CUP OF APPLESAUCE.
1:28 PM: Catch Bart eating homemade snickerdoodle. Act like he was caught with a prostitute. Shove him into the printer and tell him not to come home tonight.
1:44 PM: Do NOT feel cleansed. Not even a little.
1:58 PM: Is my watch getting looser????? Are my rings about to fall off???? Should I get a sandwich or go bathing suit shopping?
2:00 PM to 5:00 PM: Record Dragon Talk all afternoon. Manage to segue all conversation back to food. Sip kombucha and eat a pack of gum. Feel bad.
6:45 PM: Return home shaky but safely. Did you know there is trace amounts of alcohol in these kombucha drinks? Probably shouldn’t have had 6 in a row. Jesus god why does our house smell so good????
6:46 PM: Bart and Quinn flee the kitchen. I overhear Quinn ask Bart if mommy is sick.
“Yes,” Bart told him.
7:14 PM: I open my last bottle of juice.
7:16 PM: Drank juice.
7: 23 PM: Is that a cleansing feeling? Nope. Just have to pee.
7:49 PM: Occupy mind by cleaning out the cabinet above the refrigerator. Found 3 full size Snickers bars! Realize I live with monsters. WHO DID THIS???
8:24 PM: Quinn and I practice sight words with flash cards.
Imagine eating those yummy, pulpy flashcards. If I eat non-food, am I still fasting?
9:07 PM: Make black bean and corn salad for lunch tomorrow. Is this what is feels like to watch your 7th grade crush dance to Almost Paradise with you best friend? (Yes. Yes, it is.)
9:12 PM: Close my eyes mid-blink and have a flashback about Friendly’s ice cream sundaes.
9:43 PM: Get ready for bed. Toothpaste is delicious! Brush teeth for 20 minutes. No need to rinse!
10:03 PM: Thought about going to bed, but stayed up pinning things to my Holiday Appetizer board. Watch your back, brie and cranberry crostini.
10:38 PM: Resigned. I am hungry and sad. This is my life now.
10:38 PM: Reminded myself this was not in fact my life now. I had a whole house full of food. Not eating today was a choice. A poor choice, but a choice none-the-less. Thought about people who were hungry not by choice. Thought about our compost bin filled with the lunch Quinn didn’t feel like eating.
10:38 PM: Felt like a big, superficial assface.
10:38 PM: Definitely don’t feel cleansed.
11:44 PM: Read entire issue of Us Weekly before falling asleep. Never noticed how miserable and sad skinny celebrities looked.
6:13 AM: Woke up surprised I didn’t chew through my pillow case. All limbs still in tact. Bart still breathing. Oddly, not hungry.
6:40 AM: Packed up 95% of our canned goods.
8:03 AM: Dropped canned goods at local food bank on way to work.
8:05 AM: Cleansed.
*Okay, so maybe “on Weight Watchers” is pushing it. While I attended meetings and tracked on Wednesdays and Thursdays, I might have been eating 85 points a day and maybe forgetting to track alcohol. Maybe.