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We’re getting desperate for entertainment here on day 826 of quarantine. Thankfully Grandpa generously gifted the child this enormous bounce house for this birthday. Can you imagine having YOUR OWN BOUNCE HOUSE? I don’t even think bounce houses were invented when I was a kid.

But that just wasn’t enough. I had the great idea to get these bouncy, inflatable suits for use inside the bounce house. It will be fun! I said. Let’s watch him and his little friends toss each other around! They arrived just as I remembered we were in the midst of a GLOBAL PANDEMIC and there would be no little friends coming around. Guess I’d have to suit up.

That’s me, Big Ol’ Bouncer

You know, I’ve done some crappy things as a parent: threw away a Nutella crepe HE WAS GOING TO EAT even though it was left untouched for two hours, hugged him and called him Kitten Pants in front of his cool fifth grade bus buddies, showed him a photo of maniacal, toothy, horrifying goblin and said that’s what happens to kids who don’t give up their pacifiers AS A JOKE! (Teachable moment: maniacal, toothy, horrifying goblins are too scary for three year-olds.) Guarantee that’s the shit he will remember and not that time his mom stuffed her sweaty, bloated body into an inflatable bubble suit for kids 12 and younger, climbed into a bounce house, and fell victim to a diving crossbody.

At least we’ll have this video and the three inch gash on my leg from making my desperate escape out of the Big Ol’ Bouncer to remember these special moments by.

Shelly Mazzanoble

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