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Aw, come on, Facebook. I thought we were friends. I thought you knew me better than this. After all these years together I thought “no one knows me like the Facebook ad serving team.” It’s so comforting to know that when I glance at ombre pendant lamps on West Elm’s site, you’ll be there six seconds later to “recommend” the exact same lamps in my news feed. And I totally appreciate it when I tell my brother that Quinn might like a scooter for his birthday via text message, you’re all like, “Hey! Did you know the Micro Mini 3-in-1 scooter is on sale at Gilt.com?” Yes, I want to create a photo book for 30% off! Yes, I want to learn Spanish by listening to 729 hours of CDs! Yes, I love Zappos.com! I’M INTERESTED, Facebook! I’m always interested in what you’re shilling! Seriously, no one knows me like you do.

But then…but then, you throw me a curveball and I think everything we had for the last 8 years is a sham. A big, microfibery sham.

So totally you, Shelly!
So totally you, Shelly!

Facebook, really? You think the same person who immediately ordered those adorbs Splendid ankle booties and created an awesome storybook out of the 492 photos capturing her recent trip to Paris would also be interested in mop slippers? I mean, okay, it’s brilliant and yes, I laughed about the idea of making something very similar for my cat (and okay, fine, my baby when he was learning to crawl) but still. Facebook, these are ugly. Radioactive green? They don’t even look comfortable. Wouldn’t all the little yarn things bunch under your feet? Who wants to walk on that?

I’m a busy woman, yes, but not so much that I have to combine the mere act of walking with cleaning. I can get it done, Facebook. At least twice a month when the cleaning lady comes.

So please, Facebook, get it together. Show me some flatware or a wrap jacket or a Top Ten Celebrities Who Ruined Their Faces with Plastic Surgery list. I’m not sure what kind of power struggle you’re trying to pull here, but I’m not buying it. And more importantly, I’m not buying those ugly green mop slippers. Even thought they would make a really funny white elephant gift. And holy cat hair! Is that multiple 5 star reviews? And look at all the colors they come in!

Jeez, Facebook, you really screwed up this time. I’m so obviously a fuchsia kind of gal.

Shelly Mazzanoble

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