We open with the girls lounging around their mansion, sipping bevvies and talking trash. Word has it Olivia dropped $40,000 on her wardrobe. What what?! The girls pondered her inner workings and came to the very astute realization is that she’s not a nice person but “knows how to not look bad in front of the cameras.”
My friends—there be geniuses among us.
Meanwhile Olivia used her one-on-one time with the cameras to repeat her wanton desire to hold Ben’s hand. And kiss him. And become Mrs. Ben Higgins or at least French kiss him. Yes, French kissing would do nicely.
Chris Harrison showed up and the girls half-assed tried to not look disappointed. He noticed the air is “different.” It’s getting “heavy” up in here. He dropped off the date card, letting the girls know this week would be a little different. There would one group date and be two one-on-ones, the first going to Lauren B.
Jubilee shot her a dirty look. Lauren B. bats her freakishly long lashes in disbelief. Cut to a shot of her applying mascara to her freaky long lashes. I expect they have their own Twitter account by now.
When Ben showed up, he and Lauren spent considerable time marveling at the fact they are both wearing shades of blue. I mean, eHarmony couldn’t have paired them better. This color-matching must be science.
They cruised down the highway in a convertible, which Lauren pretended to enjoy but, like any girl who spent four hours curling her hair and applying mascara to freakishly long eyelashes, was really pissed about.
They spotted an enormous sign for an airport and Lauren asked, “Are we going to an airport right now?”
A bi-plane was ready to take them on a romantic, nausea-inducing tour over the Bachelor mansion. Lauren was full of nerves which is to be expected from a flight attendant. But fear not. Shortly after take off, she disclosed that, “flying in the clouds with Ben takes the nerves away.” Good to know Ben’s limp arm around a shoulder can accomplish what years of experience and flight simulator training can not. (And yes, I know a bi-plane is different than a 747 but still. She was a little dramatic.)
As they make-out (how could they not in that tiny airplane seat) I noticed Ben’s little bracelet that says, “Hope.” Aw, Ben, that’s cute. Now can you please give that back to the American Girl doll you stole it from? This guys is getting hokier and less charming by the millisecond.
Between the hot tub that magically appeared in the desert and the surprise private concert from a country singer I never heard of, Ben and Lauren discussed her trust issues (which surely will be solved by dating a man alongside 28 other women on national TV) and how she just wanted a simple life. Ben, a simple guy who would give his charm bracelet wearing left arm for a trip back to high school, was clearly smitten and couldn’t believe no one had snatched her up yet.
“I’m picky,” she explained.
That and she wants a guy just like her dad.
Lauren 100% believes she can fall in love with Ben and said she’ll remember this date for the rest of her life. If you have a TV with a DVR then yep, you will!
Meanwhile, back at the house there’s some blubbering.
“There are other women here!” Thanks, Caila, another freakin’ genius.
“Ben likes goody-goody soccer moms and that’s so not me!” Jubilee, badass war veteran who can break your face just by flexing, noticed. She is not wrong on either account.
A bunch of girls realized “it’s hard to have an open heart when you can see it getting broken” which is why most people don’t have their bumbling quest for love immortalized for all of eternity to mock, judge, and re-cap three days late on the internet (which unlike whatever union this show ends with is forever.) Through her tears, Caila, determined that it would be worth it.
The group date card arrived revealing Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Lace, Emily, and some chick named Rachel I swear I’ve never seen before. “Love is the Goal” the card read which sends the room into madness and speculation and a cloud of hairspray.
They arrived at the L.A. Coliseum and are met by two women from the U.S. Nationals team, Chris Harrison in soccer garb, and Ben in a blue workout shirt that makes the girls dizzy with lust. Ben said he’s looking at how they “interact with a team” which in theory meant none of them will get a rose.
The girls claimed to have never played soccer before which everyone finds totally shocking until we actually saw them play. Picture kittens, high on ether, trying to chase a laser pointer, while scotch taped to one another. The kittens would fall down less.
Olivia, no surprise, said it’s all about winning (duh.) And Ben was the prize (no shit?) Oh and she’s competitive. (You don’t say?)
Lauren H. said it’s “NOT JUST A GAME!” which is a bit surprising coming from a kindergarten teacher where pretty much everything he does is in fact a game. (I said, COME OVER, RED ROVER! You think this just a game?!)
Girls broke up into two teams, stars and stripes. Losers will go home, winners will get to carry on with Ben and a platter of Hors d’oeuvres that will remain untouched. Olivia and Lace were on the same team so I’m totally rooting for them to win.
A newborn had better dexterity than these jokers but I will say Twin 1, Emily, was a pretty good goalie which is weird for a girl who probably never blocked a ball coming at her in her life. (Yeah, I said it. No, I don’t have anything to back that up, but I said it.)
Rachel wants to show Ben what a trooper she is so she gets injured, rolls around on the grass for a while, and then rejoined the game. Jami needed some one-on-one time real bad, which was evident by the way she bulldozed the other girls and came out looking like the “before” on a Tide commercial. Her team won so it was not all in vain.
The losers walked home, except Rachel who was carried by Shushanna.
“DOOR!” she yelled, walking up the cobblestone path.
The Stars have a good cry and drink their supper.
The winners’ date continued on a rooftop where they toasted to their successful rout over the Stars. As Ben was stating how important it was to talk to each of them, Olivia interrupted and asked to “Steal him away.” Look bitches, Olivia didn’t blow a downpayment on a house on a wardrobe full of sequins just to sit on a couch sipping her water. (Water!?)
It took all of two and a half seconds for the gossip and behind-the-back talking to begin.
“She’s so aggressive!” (From Lace, so, umm, there you go.)
“She’s got fake books!”
“Her breath is horrible!”
“She’s got fat toes!”
“I noticed that too!” the other girls squealed. “EW!”
Jami was torn. While she also noticed Olivia’s husky toes, she clearly felt bad saying so. The best thing to do would be let Olivia know h
Alone with Ben, Olivia took the opportunity to tell him how much she missed him. Like misses him all the time. She then went on to ponder why all the other girls find her so intimating.
“I don’t think I am,” she said in her defense.
Well, then you’re not, Olivia! Fair enough! And for the record, I don’t think you are either. You are more annoying than wet sleeves, but definitely not intimidating.
When Olivia returned Jami pulled her aside to let her know her physical flaws were being picked apart like a hot loaf of monkey bread.
“They were making fun of my cankles, weren’t they?” Olivia asked.
“Umm, no,” said Jami.
“Tell me what they said,” Olivia cajoled, truly perplexed.
“They were making fun of your toes…”
Later, in her confessional, Olivia admitted that she does in fact have fat toes. And cankles. And yeah, she’s aggressive. So sue her.
“Perfection is lame.”
Lace was melancholy. She admitted to the camera that she “puts up a wall” when she feels uncomfortable. And by “puts up a wall” she meant “drink until she bitches out and starts referring to herself in the third person.”
Amber was hoping two times will be the charm because if you keep appearing on The Bachelor and keep getting rejected… well, that would just be plain embarrassing. After some awkward, hands-free kissing, Ben gave her the immunity rose. This made Olivia sad but she understood. Ben couldn’t give her a rose every time. She’s reassured of his true feelings because they no longer need words to communicate. When he stood up, he “pushed off on her leg.”
“That was a sign!” she explained! Because you know, he does things like that for her and no one else.
One more one-on-one date was up for grabs and to everyone’s surprise it went to Jubilee. How did she respond? I’m not sure as there was nothing but a long BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP and a bunch of girls mean-mugging.
Date card read: Love is in the air.
Even though we’re only on week 3, the girls are wasting no time getting pissed off and letting their green show. Jojo looked like she might shove Jubilee in a compost bin. I’d like to remind her this woman survived Boot Camp.
Jubilee is stone cold surprised she got this one-on-one because she was convinced Ben liked the princess type. She worried about coming across as socially awkward as is apparently the norm when she is with someone she cared about. The other girls noticed her awkwardness and moved on from Olivia’s chunky toes to speculating about how nervous Ben must make Jubilee.
Ben arrived to pick her up twenty-minutes late. She called him out, clearly joking, and played it off like she wasn’t excited. The other girls pounce on her apathy like an Olivia kitten on Ben’s cat-nip covered mouth.
“That is, like, so disrespectful,” they scolded.
Ben exchanged his convertible for a helicopter which landed in the driveway. All the girls rushed out to greet it looking like the Munchkins when they first laid eyes on Dorothy.
Jubilee, untrue to her name, was not pleased to see her transport. She admitted to being afraid of heights.
“Anyone else want to go on this date?” she asked, again, clearly joking.
The girls were totally offended on Ben’s behalf. How rude! Caila doesn’t think she appreciated the date and would gladly take over. The speculated about the last time Jubilee must have gone on a date and felt awful for Ben having to sit in that “little box in the sky until it was over.”
Jubilee got over her fear of heights when she spied a mini castle in the distance. They landed at Cal-a-Vie health spa otherwise known as the most beautiful freakin’ place in the world. I would go on a date with Olivia’s big, fat toe to this place.
They kicked things off with some delicacies such as caviar. Olivia took a big bite and immediately said, “Nope. Oh hell no” and spit it back up in a napkin. She said she was adventurous, but not with food. Or heights. Or new social situations. But hot dogs– yes. The girl loves her hot dogs.
After that disclosure, Jubilee promised to “throw all her different sides at Ben,” and hoped he could handle it.
Ben was intrigued. Jubilee made him blush. She called him a white boy. She told him he needed to loosen up. When he laughed, she was convinced he might be the first person who “got her.”
Jubilee’s had some bad shit go down in her past. She, like Ben, also feared she’s unlovable but unlike Ben who grew up with a nice, loving family, Jubilee’s entire family is dead.
Ben admitted he likes the person she is and can see himself falling in love her. Cut to a close up of her uneaten steak, which I’m sure is symbolism but I’m not sure for what.
When the girls woke up in the morning, they were shocked– shocked I tell you– to find Jubilee asleep in her bed.
The Rose Ceremony was chockful of tension and that was before Ben announced two people he really cared about just died in a plane crash. Yikes. As the girls responded with the appropriate level of sadness and thoughts on how they could best use this news to their advantage, Olivia jumped up and asked permission to grab him away. “I’ll lead the way!”
Expecting comfort, or at a minimum, “Gee, I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Do you want to talk about it?” Olivia immediately launched in with how much she hated her cankles.
“Sorry,” she said. “I try to be strong, but I just hate my body from the waist down.”
The struggle is real, people.
The other girls looked sad and proved it by talking about how they want to comfort Ben. Whenever Jubilee is within eight inches, the gaggle scattered, all of them fleeing for their lipglosses.
F it, Jubilee thought. She pulls Ben aside to a nice tented, candle-filled corner and gave him a massage. Ben was all about this action and was all like, “Finally! Jeez!”
But this didn’t sit right with the other girls. Everyone knows the code. If you have a rose, you sit the heck down and let a rose-less girl spend time with The Bachelor. The sight of Jubilee rubbing on Ben made them lose their shit. Like the kind of lost shit that made one audition for a reality TV show to find true love. Becca the Virgin was horrified.
“She’s rubbing his body!”
Umm, yeah, Becca, dear, that’s called massage.
Jami took the girls’ bait and went to break it up. Ben was delighted to see her so he could blather on about how awesome Jubilee’s massage was.
“It was incredible,” he said. “It’s my most favorite thing ever.”
Amber decided Jubilee needed to “talk to the other girls” about what she had done.
“Oh hell, no,” Jubilee said. “I’m not going to girl chat!”
But the Salem Witches would not let it go. They were determined to round up Jubilee and make her pay for her rubby-rubby sins. Eventually she caved (again, she survived Boot Camp but can’t handle these bitches?) and Ben found her rocking back and forth, sobbing on the edge of the bath tub.
While he was off comforting Jubilee, Lace talked herself into the fact that she wouldn’t be getting a rose because she hadn’t had any face time with Ben. Yeah, Lace, that’s why.
“It’s all such a joke,” she said, not laughing. Not laughing at all.
But Amber wouldn’t let it go and joined Ben and Jubilee on the edge of the bathtub. She was very pissed off and firmly believed Jubilee must know how TELLING A JOKE hurt the other girls .
Ben asked to share his thoughts which took the girls by surprise. They looked at him like, You still here? You have thoughts?
He said he liked that Jubilee doesn’t walk on eggshells and told her not to doubt their great date yesterday.
Ben thinks emotions are getting to them and declared, “The drama is over!”
Just as he was about to sit down, Lace came over and asked for a word.
Yes! I knew she wouldn’t let me down!
Caila looked on and concluded Lace appeared to have reached the end of her “dynamite stick.”
Oh, shove it Caila. At least she has a dynamite stick.
Lace once again was mad at herself and the way she acted since arriving at Bachelor Headquarters. She said she needed to do a lot of work to do on herself and thought it would be easier to do that at home. She doesn’t truly love herself and realized she can’t love anyone else until she does.
She’s leaving?! Maybe Ben was right. No more drama.
Ben couldn’t hide how excited he was to be rid of her. He was like, “Thanks for coming! Can I call you a limo?”
Ah, crap. I kind of feel bad for her. Maybe I’m getting too old for this.
In the end, the roses went to:
Shushanna for some reason was shocked she didn’t a rose. I was shocked she actually spoke English.
Jami had no idea what happened. She was blindsided.
“That’s why I’m always single!” she said. “I don’t know what to do when it comes to liking a boy.”
Oh that’s your problem, Jami! You’re seven years old!
Jami didn’t leave without imparting some great advice: “Don’t ever expect anything from humans.”
Okay, Jami. Buh bye, now. Say hi to your cat for us.
For the first time Olivia didn’t go into a Rose Ceremony with immunity and she didn’t like it. But that little, secret squeeze Ben gave her waist was the reassurance she needed. You see, they are really compatible. The fake scientist from the last episode proved it. They have an unspoken connection. This is why they no longer need words and roses to communicate. You wouldn’t understand.
“Tonight was awkward,” she said. “But I’m going to marry Ben Higgins.”
And if that weren’t crazy enough she tossed in the ol’, “I know when I’m with him I’m with my future husband.”
Because of course.
All I have to say is, Olivia, now that Lace is gone, you better bring it. And by “it” I mean mints because about that breath…
Don’t forget to read Mother Rose Best at In the Powder Room every Tuesday morning!