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I wasn’t going to write about The Bachelor but you can bet your thong bikini bottom I’m watching it. I mean, obviously. So this will be less of a recap and more of a funny story that happened on this week’s episode. I’m telling you, this shit is comedy gold!

First, a bit about our Bachelor, Zach what’s his name. No one asked for this. Not one person. Not even Zach judging from the energy he’s bringing. He’s not particularly charming, he’s not funny, he’s not full of wit and personality. He doesn’t even have a good backstory. He’s too bland to be attractive. He might shave his chest hair. His voice is weird.

Ever go to an ice cream shop and they have 400 flavors ranging from the classics like cookie dough and peanut butter cup to exotic hipster ones like wasabi lavender and cheeseburger and fries and your friend is like, “Break me off a scoop of that vanilla over there!” and you’re like, “Bitch, what? I brought you to the hipster good place to blow your mind with a Dorito Dust Cacao waffle cone and you picked vanilla??? It’s Zach. He’s vanilla. And he’s desperate to find his BEST FRIEND.

Hey lady, wanna be…best friends? Image courtesy of ABC

Okay, let’s chat about being Zach’s best friend. Dude, he says this like 837 times each episode. HE WANTS TO FIND HIS BEST FRIEND. Is he forbidden from saying “wife” or “life partner” or “game show winner?” Maybe “forever person?” His parents are each other’s BEST FRIENDS and that’s what he wants too, dammit! Yeah, you should be friends with your significant other. You should be really good friends. But I don’t care if I’m my husband’s BEST FRIEND. Is that wrong? I want him to have a real best friend! I like that he has a best friend! My husband is definitely in my top 3 5 favorite friends, but he’s not my best friend. And guess what? He’s okay with that!

Now all the girls are saying they want to find their BEST FRIEND. It’s like their vocabulary synced up along with their menstrual cycles. MUST FIND OUR BEST FRIEND, MUST FIND OUR BEST FRIEND, MUST FIND OUR BEST FRIEND. The only promise of this whole BEST FRIEND ideal is maybe Zach won’t notice none of these women are sexually attracted to him?

Also, way too much tongue in those kisses, dude. And wayyyyyy too close up on the tongue, ABC. Back that camera ass up, ‘k?

On this week’s episode the group traveled to ONE OF THE MOST ROMANTIC DESTINATIONS IN THE WORLD! Ladies, you’re going to the BAHAMAS.


While there, they had an enormous group date where all the gals started freaking out about not having enough alone time with Zach and would he really get to know the real them and god damn they really wanted a one on one date but alas, we’re here on a beach, SWEATING OUR CONCEALER off, and eating homemade conch fritters.

Well…everyone but… Gabi!

Honestly I’ve never “noticed” someone because they were chowing down on fish sticks, but I’m just a big dummy who makes fun of people on TV shows so what do I know?

You see, she’s allergic to shellfish and therefore couldn’t partake in any of the fun bonding activities like “bounce the conch off your temple.”

Ahh, the ol’ scarring of the retina conch game! A Bahamian classic!

She couldn’t even kiss Zach because he ate shellfish! RUDE! Or shall I say, SHELLFISH. Get it??? Whatever. This is not The Atlantic, okay?

Gabi! That conch fritter saved your life! Do you know how many faces Zach’s tongue lapped at this little beach party??? Don’t let the little conch’s death be in vain! Now go take a Benadryl!

Anyway, she spiraled. How could she stand out to Zach if she couldn’t put her mouth up on a big old conch shell and blow? Gabi, know what would get you noticed? Anaphylactic shock. Ain’t nothing sexier than asking the man you want to become best friends with to jam an epipen into your outer flank.

Then another girl spread a rumor about another girl who allegedly wanted to fight her. And that girl told Zach the girl who spread the rumor about her had a weird disposition and really was just here for IG followers– 50K to be exact! Well, Zach freaked. THAT IS HIS BIGGEST FEAR! That, and coming home with just a dumb, old lover and not a BEST FRIEND. He sent that clout chasing content creator packing.

Now: a word about IG followers, brand sponsorships, a ticket to Bachelor in Paradise, or the most coveted of all the covets– being the lead this tanking franchise in the next season and a subsequent run on Dancing With the Stars: there is not one person who darkens the doors of Bachelor Mansion who isn’t thinking about those things. Not one person. You can be fake in love with the lead, “super hopeful” that you’ll find your BEST FRIEND on this game show and still wonder how much bank you’ll make on your first Revolve clothing #ad #sponsored post. You cannot fill out an application for this show without knowing all of those things are possible. Yes, Zach and all future and past leads– there are people here for the wrong reasons. YOU were there for the wrong reasons! But really maybe those are the right reasons. Only one of these yahoo’s is going to “win.” The least you can do is let the rest of them get a Crest 3D Whitestrips #ad out of this nightmare.

Let’s see, what else happened. Brooklyn told a sad, horrific story about a past relationship. (It really was sad. I’m not making fun of it.) A rose ceremony ensued. Girls got roses. Some didn’t. Girls cried and went home. Oh! And Zach got super sweaty at dinner with Brooklyn. My goodness, could no one find a portable fan or a shammy?

By “amazing” you mean, “I can see the sunset in Key West reflected on his temples,” right, Brooklyn?

I mean, we’re talking SWEATY. It was so bad my husband who was doing a pass by had to stop and watch for a few minutes and asked all horrified, “What is on that guy’s face???” That’s hope, my dude. Leaving the body.

I love you, you love me, we are sweating on TV. Profusely!

So all in all, a pretty standard season with an extra standard bachelor. I’m definitely watching.

BFFs 4-ever.

Step aside, Neil Lane. Zach has no need for your gaudy rings. Image: Babygold.

Shelly Mazzanoble

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