Platinum Vagine

Vagine? WTF, Shelly?

Oh wait, must be a new season of The Bachelor is starting!

It is! How did you know?!

Oh right, platinum vagine.

ANDOMGICANNOTWAIT!

This season we see 3 time loser Nick Viall take another chardonnay soaked shot at love. That’s right, this guy has been a contestant on 2 seasons of The Bachelorette and 1 season of my new favorite show, Bachelor in Paradise. As a contestant he was the runner-up on both seasons. Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. Both times? And no Steve Harvey to announce you’re the winner anyway? Pretty sure he swore, with tears streaming down his face, in the backseat of TWO different SUVs en route to TWO different airports that he would never try to find love on a TV game show again, but alas. He ended up in Paradise where he had a fake love affair with some chick named Jenn who didn’t stand a chance. Day 2 of filming, Nick must have discovered a message in a bottle from the producers letting him know to use the hotel laundry service, pick up a few more white billowy shirts from the hotel gift shop, and maybe start doing a few push-ups while waiting for craft services to refill the waffle bar, because he wasn’t going home for a while. There really is no other way to explain how Nick, the seriously gross, ick-inducing, walking ad for the HPV vaccine, suddenly became the laid back, endearing, chill big brother’s cool friend in Paradise. Clearly there was some brand repair going on there.

And it worked.

I’m actually pretty excited for this season. But then again, I’m always excited for The Bachelor so, well, there you go.

Today while watching the preview special (because YES, every season IS different and therefore warrants a PREVIEW of what’s in store!) Quinn saw Bachelor Mansion and declared it a haunted house.

“With lots of monsters!” he said.

Wow! Great foresight, kid! The ladies haven’t even moved in yet.

The preview was a bunch of the same ol’ same ol’–  blurred butt cheeks, exotic locations, screaming chicks jumping off a yacht in skimpy bikinis, and lots of ugly crying. And we also got a sneak peak at the this seasons villain– some blonde chick whose sole purpose is to “explore Nick sexually” and proclaimed her, “heart is gold but her vagine is platinum.”

Have fun at work tomorrow, blonde chick’s mom and dad!