I’m woefully behind in all my other TV watching and can’t, in good faith, watch and enjoy Housewives on Housewives henpecking until I know you know what the hell happened on week 7. And it’s only hours before Week 8 begins in most time zones!
After Nick barged in on the girls, had a good ol’ himbo cryfest, and thought really hard about dumping them all, he found solace in the warm, wireless mic’d pectorals of Chris Harrison who tried to give him an out.
“Basically, save face and just call it, man,” Chris said. “ABC will be pissed they invested in such a charmless assclown, but whatevs. We’ll make up for the bad PR by making Rachel our first ever African American Bachelorette and you won’t make your mom cry again.”
But nope, Nick believed there was still some internal humilation up for grabs and he would not stop until all the people were laughing at him.
Back at the house, Raven, Kristina, and Rachel were all bloodshot eyes and speculation. The girls were heartbroken on Nick’s behalf. Poor guy, they lamented! He can’t possibly propose and get dumped a fourth time, could he?
Nick barged in again for another tearful chat with the girls. PV fluffed her hair while the other girls took turns hugging him and looking sad.
NIck explained he had been burned before. (No shit, Nick.) He’d was once confident, but now he had all these bad thoughts swirling in his head and he was confused. Thoughts were for lameos! But then he PERSEVERED once more and kept thinking and guess what! He realized there were still a lot of boobs he hadn’t touched and US Weekly cover stories that hadn’t been written so GOD DAMMIT HE’S STAYING! The girls bursted out crying and hugged one another.
Nick canceled the rose ceremony in favor of ditching icky St. Thomas and heading to Bimini.
“It’s my dream come true,” PV squealed.
The first one-on-one date in Bimini was for Vanessa. The card read: Let’s Go Deeper.
PV was pissed! And frustrated! And really bloated! She hadn’t even had a one-on-one yet!
“He probably wants to get to know her on an intellectual level,” PV reasoned. “Not the good kind of deeper he goes with me.”
But still she couldn’t seem to understand why Nick would pick such a beautiful, calm, nice, personable woman to spend an afternoon and evening with.
PV: I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to make her open up. But he’ll be so disappointed when all she says is, “I’m Italian! I love my family! We make pasta together every Sunday!”
Rachel: Right? Total buzzkill.
PV: I mean, all he really sees is a special needs teacher. A really pretty special needs teacher, but still? How much depth could she really have?
Their date was on a boat (a risky endeavor for a girl who once vomited in his mouth) because Nick and Vanessa clearly love awkward make-out sessions. They went for it underwater, banging snorkels and masks in a deep sea cacophony that scared all the jellyfish away.
Vanessa got that feeling. No, not that I’m drowning! feeling. The other feeling. LOVE!
“It’s just love!” she said in her confessional. “I mean, he hasn’t said it, but I’m sure he’s feeling it too!”
It looked less like “falling in love” and more like “falling unconscious to the bottom of the ocean due to lack of oxygen to the brain” but what the hell do I know? I’m an old lady who took five and half years to say yes to a first date with my now husband.
Meanwhile, back at the rent-a-house, the other girls enjoyed some light afternoon binge drinking to ease their anxiety. Hometowns were next week so it was extra important to get a one-on-one! Like really important! PV really wanted Nick to meet her dog, see her pool, and of course taste Raquel’s famous cheesy noodles. (Not a euphemism.)
But alas, the next date was a group date and it was for PV, Raven, and Kristina.
Vanessa meanwhile was all in. She saw a future with this creepy, attention man-whore toadstool who tanked his last three relationships on national television. She cried as she told Nick about her “special feelings.” In a surprise move, Nick didn’t immediately shut down and send her packing the way he did with the last two dumbasses who pretended to have “special feelings” for him.
Instead he recounted his rocky emotional past.
Nick: I’ve done this before, you know? And think maybe this time I might try taking it slow. I mean, I’ve been dumped three times on camera. I kind of want to do the dumping now.
Vanessa: But I’m a Special Ed teacher. And I make pasta with my family every Sunday.
Nick: I like you?
Vanessa: I’m Canadian, you asshat! We don’t just say that shit without expecting reciprocation! Besides, EVERYONE WANTS TO BE CANADIAN NOW!
The date ended but Vanessa’s inappropriate, manufactured feelings did not.
The group date was also on a boat because, Bimini.
PV was “in her element!” A yacht, a hot guy. (Where? Who?) She looked great on a yacht. (According to her) and she’s experienced. Being “experienced” in yacht talk meant getting onboard and immediately taking off your clothes.
Kristina was like “Ew, PV. WTF? But game on, bitch!”
It became battle of the body parts as she too dumped her clothes. Raven was all, “Oh, Jesus take the wheel and turn this mother f’ing whore ship back to the shore!”
Nick on the other hand responded by smearing sunscreen all over Kristina’s inner thigh.
“Don’t want that to get burned.”
Oh, snap! The only thing getting burned was PV! NOT HAPPY! She felt like a third wheel or…something.
Once the boat came to a stop, Nick revealed they would be swimming with sharks.
Raven: You mean Alexis?
Nick: Nope. Real sharks. Because I’M A BIG MAN AND I AIN’T SCARED! Also because no way will ABC let us do anything actually risky.
PV: Are they cute sharks?
Kristina: They can smell blood. And we could die.
Raven: Oh good! Because you’re both scared! So if you both get eaten then there’s a really good chance I’ll get the rose!
Kristina really was scared, had a panic attack, and almost drowned. Nick gets totally turned on by other people’s near death experiences so he rushed to comfort her while PV got pummeled by rogue waves in the sea. She was so confused. Why was Nick paying attention to that panicky, dour Russian girl who couldn’t handle a little shark groping? She felt like she was going to start falling behind. And WTF? Was that a sunburn on her inner thigh?
Post-shark trauma, Nick toasted their survival and whisked Kristina off again. They reminisced about their hard week in St. Thomas, which made Nick start crying again.
“Well, you can’t keep us all,” Kristina reminded him. “Just sayin’.”
PV stuffed bricks of cheese into her face while trying to get Raven to admit how insecure she was.
PV: How are you? Nervous? You must be nervous. You wouldn’t be just sitting there watching me stress eat thirteen pounds of imitation cheddar if you weren’t VERY, VERY INSECURE!
Raven: I’m a little nervous.
PV: Of course you are! Something would be wrong with you if you weren’t.
Raven: Oh there’s plenty wrong with me.
PV: I’m eating my feelings. Look! Insecurity tastes like a johnnycakes and Velveeta! Yum!
After eating enough cheese to guarantee she won’t poop until she’s forty, PV finally got some alone time with Nick. She was willing to do whatever it took to bring Nick home to her nanny. Foreshadowing!
She expressed her concern about not ever getting a one-on-one date and Nick told her that because she was so aggressive, morally bankrupt, and lacked boundaries she didn’t need a stupid one-on-one.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “Anything we would do on a one-on-one we can just do in front of all these people!”
By his own admission, the date rose up for grabs was THE MOST IMPORTANT ROSE EVER. And it went to…Raven?
Her reward for being less gross then the surly Russian orphan and “before ad” for chlamydia medication was another cheesy beach concert from some musician who’s booking agent clearly hated him. It was only slightly better than doing what these two rejects were doing.
Danielle got the last one-on-one date and her and Nick rode off into the sunset on bikes while Danielle’s shorts rode right up her ass. They ate fresh seafood, chocolate cake, played pickup basketball with some local tweens, and exhibited more bad dancing. Those shorts, Danielle! Jesus!
She definitely felt like she was falling for him because “It’s just so easy to be with him!”
Easy? Well sure, I guess NOT TALKING is pretty easy. These two had as much chemistry and Kristina and a school of sharks. Even Nick noticed it so you know it was bad. Danielle on the other hand was clueless. In a last ditch effort to ratchet up the heat, Nick brought up her dead fiance. It totally worked–until Danielle fell asleep.
When she awoke she told Nick how much she cared about him and how open her heart was.
But Nick don’t give out roses to bitches who fall asleep while talking about the dead love of their lives so she was sent home before the appetizers they weren’t going to eat anyway arrived.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “You’re so great and you have that amazing dead fiance story.”
“Not great enough though,” she answered.
She left to pack her things and Nick cried on the shore.
Meanwhile, PV was not taking any chances.
“I would live in a shack with no diamonds. That’s how much I…care about Nick.”
She realized it was time to GET AGGRESSIVE. Like, for real this time. Not that get-topless-on- a-first-date aggressive. Not naked-bouncing-in-an-inflatable-castle aggressive. Not eat-whipped-cream-out-of-her-cleavage aggressive. REALLY AGGRESSIVE.
She dressed like a slutty funeral-goer and headed to Nick’s hotel room to “make sure he was okay.”
“Oh, you’re here,” Nick said, opening the door. “I was going to pour myself a nightcap and have sex with craft services, but you’ll do!”
Next we overheard zippers going south, hushed voices, a massage in progress, and then a man’s voice saying something like, “slow down” and then a woman saying something like, “Oh my F’ing God are you kidding me?!”
“Thanks for checking on me,” Nick said as he walked PV to the door. “I’m good!”
PV was horrified. This was terrible! Her plan backfired! Nick not sleeping with her made PV doubt everything about their fake relationship… and herself. She had never been in a situation where she didn’t have sex with a man she barely knew and it was REALLY SCARY, you guys!
For the first time ever, PV woke up regretting her actions the night before. How dare Nick turn down her platinum vagine? Just wait until she tells her daddy!
Rachel got the last one-on-one date. Nick took her to a place “known for not having tourists” so they must have been damn thrilled when a 32-person camera crew rolled up.
Rachel admitted she never brought home a white guy, but told Nick not to worry.
“It doesn’t matter what color you are,” she said. “They’re gonna hate you regardless.”
Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison sat Nick down to remind him how important tonight was.
Chris: You’re essentially asking if you can go to their hometowns. That’s way more intimate than eating dairy products off of a pair of boobs or rubbing sunscreen on a labia. You get that, right?
Nick: Dude! You think this is my first time or something! Bah ha ha! My first time!
Chris: Oh, right! Ha! What was I thinking! Just trying to get some air time, my friend!
Of course Nick knew how important tonight’s rose ceremony was and therefore he already knew who’s parents he couldn’t fathom facing. He canceled another rose ceremony and cried in Chris’s arms over the fact another great woman was about to go home.
Chris responded like Nick was about to remove his own kidney and throw it in the ocean.
“It’s not gonna be easy man,” he said, rubbing Nick’s back. “Stay strong.”
Nick surprised the girls at their rent-a-house causing them to scatter like cockroaches under a halogen glow. He calmly asked for…Kristina.
Oh, shit! Chris was right. This would not be easy!
Nick: I love you but I’m not in love with you.
Kristina: You didn’t give me a fair chance. Also you are a stupid bastard.
Nick: You deserve someone who can sit here and not say they have four other girlfriends.
Kristina: I know.
Nick: You are amazing.
Kristina: You’re letting me go.
Nick: I’m doing you a favor, dummy.
Kristina: Even in Russia you would be considered doltish. Also you have a tartar problem. Goodbye.
She went inside to be comforted by Nick’s other girlfriends.
Even though there were only four girls left and usually four hometowns, they were convinced Nick was on some wild eviction spree. NO ONE IS SAFE! It remained unclear if anyone other than PV actually wanted Nick to meet their families, but it was clear Nick was shitting a brick.
“If I was someone’s dad, I’d have a lot of questions for me,” he said. “I’m disgusting!”
In the always awesome post-credits scene, Raven and Kristina found PV’s drunk, lifeless body and decorated it with cheese cubes. As detailed in her living will.
Tune in tonight four hours from now to find out if Raquel’s cheesy noodles is really all that!
