We’ve all seen the previews for this season of The Bachelor. We all have the same questions:
Why’d they pick Colton Underwhelming?
Is he still a virgin?
Why does he take a flying leap over that fence???
Also, why is Shelly so far behind in her recaps?
Well, good questions. All of them. I got behind. Like more behind than the lawnchairs at Bachelor Mansion. I think it’s like week 4 or something? And well…yawn…I’m bored. But okay, let’s talk about things.
Here’s what you’ve been missing:
Remember when I thought Ari’s season was so boring? Well, it was, but this season might make all of last season look like the spawn of Breaking Bad and that episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey when Teresa flipped the table. Colton is just plain awkward. Like about-to-lose-your-virginity-in-a-fantasy-suite-on-TV-awkward. He can’t make conversation to save his life. He’s more terrified of being alone with women than Mike Pence. He lacks charisma, passion, and decent facial hair. There are not enough gratuitous soapy shower scenes to get me on board. I’m just not that into him.
But thirty other women apparently are. Or apparently willing to act like they are for a shot at getting sidebared in Us Weekly. Who are this season’s dirt-thirsty ladies vying for Colton’s V-card? Well, you’ve got your bunch o’ blondes with blunt-end bobs and barrel curls, a few unstable, insecure brunettes with giant mouths and bony chests, and a bevy of beautiful minority women who will drop like diaphragms in the fantasy suite once we hit week 3.
I can’t remember them all, but here are the tropes you need to know:
Demi: 24, bimbo next door, sexually aggressive, PV understudy, clearly wants to be the villain, enjoys antagonizing the cougars (girls over the age of 27)
Hannah G: Yes, of course there are 2 Hannahs! This one got of the important roses. First impression? I think? Clearly not the memorable Hannah.
Hannah B.: Miss Alabama, y’all! Hates Caelynn.
Caelynne: Miss North Carolina, y’all! Hates Hannah B.
Onyeka: The outspoken African American woman whom the producers will play up to be angry and competitive.
Heather: Never been kissed. Clearly a one-upper.
Elyse: Seems sad to be on The Bachelor. Like a 6th grader who’s family moved from a small town in Olklahoma to a Chicago suburb. She’ll make friends eventually. Cougar.
Tracy: Unhinged and hungry. Looks like she lost 7 pounds between commercials. Would like to murder Demi. Cougar.
Nicole: Sassy Latina, has twin autistic brother whom SHE WILL NEVER LEAVE. Unless it’s to find her secondary beneficiary on reality TV. I’m not sure we have a single mom this season so she might be filling that void.
So they all get out of the limo and squeal about how handsome Colton is and how they can’t believe their only impression was seeing his bad facial hair through a tinted limo window, yet they can already see a future with him.
The first group date of the episode is at a theater where they get a quick lesson in storytelling from Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally whose advice included, “I don’t think you can say hot as f*ck” and “Oh, yeah, you can totally swear on The Bachelor.”
The girls ran off with their mole skin notebooks to jot down notes about their memorable “firsts.”
Elyse talked about how she used to date older dudes… until now. Demi was super impressed with her brutal honestly. “There’s no advantage to being old.”
Elyse is 31.
Onyeka’s story was about having to save Colton from “drowning in a bunch of thirsty bitches.” Uh, Onyeka, you gotta know your audience. Those thirsty bitches were right there! And they were not impressed.
Tracy told a tale about how her and her buddy tried to deflower the same guy. Blah blah blah, she woke up to the other girl punching her in the face. The end.
Demi’s story was about how she usually sleeps with guys on the first date and was sort of pissed Colton didn’t consider her getting out of a limo their first date. She stormed off the stage and planted a big, old kiss on his mouth. That’ll learn him. Naturally the other girls were HORRIFIED! They wanted their first kiss to be consensual! Who the hell would just go off and kiss a dude square on the lips! ON TV! You think guys want hot, (albeit in a torch-your-car-after-carving-your-initials-into-his-bare-shoulder-blade-with a-butter-knife sort of way) 24 year-old chicks to just throw themselves at their feet? Not cool, Demi!
After the show, the group convened at a rooftop bar (surprise!), where Colton was assaulted once more by Demi who forced him to compliment her earlier bold move. Terrified, he admitted he, “liked her confidence.”
“Oh, I’m all about confidence,” she said.
“Yeah, I can see that.”
“I’m a total woman’s supporter.”
Oh, yep, Demi. Totally. You’re like a big, old underwire bra.
When she rejoined the bored, sad cougar girls, she grabbed the date rose, rubbed it over her body like it was a bar of Camay soap, and claimed that bitch was hers. Ew, Demi, you can have it! No one wants a rose with your herpes on it!
People, let’s chat about protocol for a minute here. You don’t touch the date rose. LIKE EVER. That rose is not yours to hand out. It’s THE BACHELOR’S. That rose is sacred. It is to be looked upon with wanton lust like it literally holds the key for the rest of your happy days because it LITERALLY DOES. But you must never touch it! Remember black Jesus in Madonna’s Like a Prayer video? YOU DON’T TOUCH BLACK JESUS, MADONNA! Black Jesus is the rose!
This brazen act made Tracy short of breath. Like literally sick to her stomach.
You are not a good Cuban girl from Miami if you don’t tell someone off in the first episode. Nicole is a good Cuban girl from Miami.
Nicole: ¿Que demonios, dummy?
Demi: Yah. Totally sorry.
Nicole: That rose is not a blacklight, bitch. Why you got to be rubbing it all over yourself?
Demi wasn’t 100% sure, but she thought Nicole was angry because “she had a frowny face on.” Or maybe that was just her face. It’s hard to tell with older women because they’re just so darn wrinkly!
Bored of getting yelled at by old ladies, Demi took to spying on Furby and Colton as they made out. Demi fed off other girls kissing Colton. Demi was hungry.
Elyse’s story about dating older dudes impressed Colton so much, he bequeathed her with the Demi-tainted date rose. Hmm, is there an advantage to being an older woman here?
Meanwhile we learn about Caelynn and Hannah’s storied backstory. They were roommates at Miss America. Friends turned enemies. Caelynn is fake. Hannah B. is insecure. They are both toxic, manipulative, and jealous. Hannah B. will crumble. Caelynn’s true colors will kill the very soul of Colton in this life and every past one. He will want to jump over a fence before handing either girl a rose. Eventually. Right now he still thinks their both smoking hot.
Hannah B. got the first one on one much to Caelynn’s dismay. But it was her birthday!
To celebrate (he had no clue), Colton took Hannah to the desert for some ebullient conversation:
Colton: Look at these views.
Hannah B. So pretty.
Colton: Have you ever seen rock formations like this?
Hannah B. I think so? Is this Arizona-ish?
Uh oh. Colton was not impressed. He expected more from Miss Alabama, but the conversation is…dull. When in doubt, put on a tiny bathing suit and disappear into a portable, strategically placed hot tub. More comfortable in less clothes, Hannah B. started to open up.
Hannah B.: If things aren’t perfect, I will spiral and CUT A BITCH.
Colton: Ha ha ha! Let’s make a toast!
Hannah B.: I don’t know how to do that.
Then she spent the next 33 minutes pulling an eyelash off Colton’s face.
The second group of girls headed off to Camp Bachelor where they wore silly uniforms, play Duck Duck Goose and Red Rover, and make catty remarks about each other. This totally reminds me of college. (Theater major, heyyyyyyyyyy!)
Colton said, “shuttlecock” and all the girls blushed.
Then comedian Billy Eichner showed up for no good reason. Colton’s cue card forced him to say he was a big fan because “Billy just says what’s on his mind!” So cool!
Billy announced the girls were going to compete in some good old fashioned camp games. Losers go home, winners go to sleepaway camp with Colton. Everyone has to get to third base in the woods.
Wait. I could win and have to sleep in the mud, pee in a bucket, and not be able to plug in my flat iron OR lose and go back to a heated pool and craft services at Bachelor Mansion? Hmm…
Onyeka promised to murder someone if she got sent home because some dumb, skinny bitch couldn’t walk a straight line while balancing an egg on a spoon in her mouth hole.
Red team won.
Yellow team cried.
Ol’ virgin lips Heather wanted to tell Colton she’s never kissed a boy but is scared he’ll think she’s not ready for marriage. Umm, honey? You’re not ready for an 8th grade dance, but you do you!
Wouldn’t you know it? She got the date rose!
Twenty other women are in need of roses by the time we get to the cocktail party. Honestly I don’t know if this is Episode 2 or 3 or even The Bachelor anymore. I kind of wasn’t paying attention. (Shh…)
Demi prophesizes a hard night ahead–especially for the older girls having to stand around in their high heels and compression stockings.
Some chick blasted an air horn whenever she wanted Colton’s attention. The other girls just loved that!
And becasue ABC has already given up on this season, they’re not even trying to cover up shoddy camera work or keep staffers out of their shots. Could this guy be the next bachelor? Or at least the next Fuji Water Girl.
Seriously, who was this guy???
Sydney can’t take the damn air horn so she came outside banging a spoon and cookie tray in Colton’s face.
Air horn said she ain’t leaving.
So Sydney came back with a beverage tub and mallet.
The other girls were so confused. Were they supposed to be banging spoons against large, metal objects too? Was that a euphemism for what they were going to do to Colton in the fantasy suite?
Colton lost another eyelash.
Demi came out wearing a bathrobe and forced Colton to go upstairs with her.
Tracy was not having it. Uh uh. That cougar was on the scent and it smelled remarkably like jalapeno margaritas and Monistat 7.
Turns out Demi was only giving Colton an innocent massage. And she had her cocktail dress on under that robe. Silly! What did you think was happening?
Demi confronted her.
Tracy felt disrespected.
Demi told Tracy she was one of the most amazing women and storytellers she’s ever met. But she was only 23 and hasn’t met a lot of people yet. But still, she was cool for a cougar. Then she filled up her cocktail, laid down, and waited for her rose.
At the rose ceremony, Colton felt hopeful. HIS WIFE WAS IN THAT ROOM. Or not. But for sure the girl who would let him dock at her harbor was in that room. Hey man, ABC was paying for the condoms. This was happening!
Tracy’s face went from confused to disturbed to deranged having to watch those other women (including THAT CHILD, DEMI) get roses. Of course she was the last rose of the night.
Angelique on the other hand was surprised she didn’t get a rose. She felt it, ya know? He seemed like a genuine nice guy but how could he be? He didn’t give her a rose!
Annie didn’t think he got to know her. That was her biggest fear and it happened and she got her heart ripped out of her chest. It was so embarrassing and now she just wants to go home. Well, guess what! Annie, please pack your stripper heels and go.
So, uh, yep. That’s what you missed. Or at least all I can remember from the first three episodes. Who cares? Oh, fine, I do, I guess. At least until we find out why Colton jumps over that stupid fence.