A Little Updating, Please?

Jeez. Is this thing on?

What a jerk, right? Oh I have things to update you on. I have stories. But rather than try to write it all down in one long post, how about just the (mostly) inane highlights of the last two months?

1. Saw about 4,927 crapstastic houses for sale and about 12 decent ones. I fell in love with one of them– a totally inappropriate, overpriced, 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom bungalow with immaculate staging. I know better than to fall in love with staging! I watch HGTV! I know how expensive couches and strategically placed throw blankets mess with a person’s psyche! I laugh at those jerks on TV. Come on, suckers! You think those busted up floors and mismatched moulding will look “vintage” and “eclectic” with your dog-eaten sofa and Ikea bookshelf in there? Anyhoo, I totally threw my list of demands out the single-pane windows and convinced Bart we must get an inspector in immediately so we could write up an offer we would surely regret 7 minutes after signing the papers. Know why people have inspectors? Because they find things like crumbly, brick foundation that’s one delivery truck backfiring away from turning your dream home into dust. Okay, we probably didn’t need an inspector to see that if we I weren’t blinded by Dwell bedding and Design Within Reach dining room sets. I mean, if you stuck your finger in the grout (which we paid a man $400 to do) the grout turned to sand. “I wouldn’t buy this house,” the inspector said. He never even saw the inside.  My heart was broken. I swore off Zillow for 4 whole days.
2. I went to NY to visit the family. I ate, swam, took naps, read books, and watched a lot of reality TV with my mommy. Repeat that for 10 days. Pure. Sweet. Heaven.
3. Zelda developed an obsession with outside. We let her out into the nice fenced yard here at our rental and she promptly jumped the fence (6ft!) and wandered around the ally collar and common sense-less. I told Bart this would happen, but he poo poo’d it. “Zelda hopping a fence is like Nell Carter scaling a two story building,” he said. Okay, she might be slightly overweight. Slightly. I wanted to believe that but I had seen the look in her eyes when she got into the yard. I saw the way her butt waggled and whiskers twitched when she got up close and personal with the gate. Despite what I say about her, I’d like her to not die so I’m trying to keep her inside, which apparently is the meanest thing you can do to a cat who has experienced all that the great outdoors has to offer. And now she howls at the door all day and night long. Good times for everyone. Seriously cat people, a little help here?  What am I supposed to do?
4. Went to Gen Con. Busy but fun. Always good to see people playing D&D, wearing their D&D t-shirts, coming by the booth to get their pictures with Lolth. And I used the 8 minutes I had away from the booth to buy new, fancy dice. They’re pink!

   

5. Took July off from my Dragon column. Did you notice? You did, right? Did you know I’ve been writing that column for almost 5 years? Weird, right? Anyway, I might have accidentally took August and September off too by maybe turning in my column a tiny bit late. But it’s really early for October so there’s that.
6. After being married almost a year, we finally merged our car insurance plans. This is big news, people! If not for the fact we both eat with the same fancy Crate and Barrel flatware and drink out of the same CB2 wine glasses, I’d almost forget we were married. (Should probably look at merging the Netflix and Amazon Prime accounts too someday.) When I called Statefarm to cancel my policy (of 18 years!) know what they said? “Thanks! Take care!” I mean, really Statefarm? After 18 years all you have to say is “take care?” Do you have any idea how hard it was to break up with Tivo? That was like an 8 month process! And I only had Tivo for 13 months! Whatevs, Statefarm. That’s so not like a good neighbor.
7. Seattle had a heatwave. Usually when it’s over 75 it’s considered a heatwave but we actually had days well into the high 80’s! Maybe even 90’s! Know how hot it was? So hot I had to rub ice cubes on Sadie and Zelda’s fur– and they let me.
8. Big Brother started. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s garbage, I know, but I love that show so much it’s almost my most favorite thing about summer. This year’s started when I was in NY on vacation so I got to watch Big Brother with my big brother, who is equally obsessed. It’s on 3 days a week. That’s a commitment. And I don’t have a DVR in our rental house so this is a very challenging season. (First world problem?) I do however have an app that lets me watch episodes on my iPhone and because of that I’ve logged more miles on a treadmill these past couple of months than I have all winter. Who says TV makes you fat?
9. Submitted an application to be on HGTV’s House Hunters! In case I haven’t mentioned this before, House Hunters is my most FAVORITE show! I’m a huge voyeur when it comes to peeking inside houses– it’s why I love walking Sadie at night– so this show is right up my ally. Believe it or not, I don’t have strong desires to be on TV (with the exception of Oprah or All My Children and well, both of those ships have sailed.) but I will make an exception for House Hunters. The crazy thing is, they actually called us! We talked to a wonderful producer, sent in an audition tape and got poor Eva (our real estate agent) on board. We’re doing this, People! All signs point to yes! Just waiting on the final verdict after the producer pitches us to her producer friends. There will definitely be more on that.
10. Do you know House Hunters has a dirty little secret? If not, I don’t want to be the one to break it to you. Skip reading these next few sentences if you don’t want to know. So in order to be on the show you have to at least be under contract to buy a house. That’s right– those people you see on the show are not seeing at least one of those houses for the very first time. They’ve probably already picked out the paint and arranged the living room furniture (like we have) for it. I guess it makes sense. I mean, who only looks at 3 houses? And who has a camera crew following them for the entire length of their house hunting journey? I knew the dirty little secret already and it didn’t taint my love for the show. Do you get what that means? I couldn’t apply until we were under contract to buy a house. That’s right– we found a house! Yay! Not only did we find it but we’re head over heels in love with it. It’s perfect. Every time I see it I just want to throw my arms around it! The hard part is now waiting to find out if we’re on the show. We have the keys, just can’t move in or paint, or get those new floors installed, or fill that nice, big beautiful stainless steel fridge with our delicious hoppy bounty from the Beer of the Month club. I want in! But I shall be patient… If you’re curious this house does have a name. It’s Bob Newhouse. Look for him, and us, bad mouthing paint colors and countertops on a TV near you.