I’m super excited about the opportunity to write about this season of The Bachelor in a new series, Mother Rose Best for the lovelies over at In the Powder Room. But I’m not just recapping the chardonnay shenanigans. Oh no. I’ll be dispensing practical parenting advice inparted from one of the world’s greatest guilty pleasures. Yes, you can learn a lot from a baby-voiced, ex-dancer with a spray tan and Cache credit card.
Read the first installment of Mother Rose Best: Hung Like a Mini Horse.
Didn’t watch last night’s episode? Don’t worry. Here’s what you missed:
Unicorns really do exist and so do people who believe in finding true love on national TV. Meet Ben Higgins, fan favorite cast-off from last season’s The Bachelorette. He’s a small town boy with a big moral compass who is by far the least scuzzy Bachelor in recent history. He’s not a caricature of a South American fuuuutball star or a pilot who reeked of Valtrex and penicillin. And not having roots in a rural Iowa farm town that go deeper than a string bikini through a saddlebag helps too. “I want to live somewhere with less people than tubes of lipstick in my purse!” said no Bachelor contestant ever. You think these women could exist more than 75 miles from the nearest Juicy Couture outlet? You’re as crazy as the chick last season who compared herself to an onion.
Ben takes us on a tour of his hometown and we see where he had his first kiss. We meet his parents who seem nice if not a bit horrified. They’ve been together 32 years and Ben claims to want what they have. I also want what they have—a house on the water. Lovely!
When her son brings up the insecurities he vomited all over America last season, his mom cries and dad commiserates. She wants her son to be happy and claims, “no matter where you find her, she’ll be great.” She already hates these women.
Then Ben gets facetime with three previous Bachelors. They tell him it’s going to be hard. He needs to be honest. Chris Soules wants him to kiss as many women possible. Ben is grossed out by this.
Chris Harrison and Ben bring it in for an awkward man-hug as the first limofull of girls pulls up the drive.
We meet:
Lauren, a gorgeous flight attendant who brings him a pair of wings and thankfully steers clear of the “mile high club” low-hanging fruit joke.
Caila who spells her name in the most complicated way possible and believes after seeing Ben come out of the limo last season, he’s a perfect person. Umm, OK. I can actually see these two yahoos together.
Jennifer, a small business owner who forgot to mention her name.
Jami, a cute bartender from Canada who happens to know previous Bachelorette Kaitlin. She tells Ben she heard he has a really big…heart. GONG!
Jubilee, a super hot, badass war veteran. As lovely as she appears, she’s African American and we all know you don’t get attached to the token minority. Bummer.
Mandi: Good job perpetrating the Portland is Weird stereotype, Weirdo. Is every dentist on reality TV a psycho? Says she would not date a man with gingervitis which is actually not the worst advice, but wearing an enormous Pinterest-fail rose craft on your head is. (Ladies, if you can’t pick out the token “kooky” girl in your season, it’s you.)
Emily and Haley: Oh lord, we have blond twins. “Group hug?” Ben asks, clearly terrified.
Lace the Aggressor. Immediately went in for some tongue action because she wanted the first kiss. How come I know Ben isn’t into kissing chicks on the first night and she doesn’t? Get a life and a clue how to use Google.
Jessica from Florida. Clearly she didn’t make an impression on me or Ben because that’s all I know about her.
Lauren R. a math teacher who professed to stalking Ben via social media for two months. (Take a hint, Lace.) Wow, Lauren. Are you sure you’re not a P.I.? You’ve got some serious sleuthing skills stalking a man who was recently named the star of a popular reality TV franchise. He kept asking what her name was. She didn’t tell him.
Shushana, who looks like a belly dancer and appeared to be speaking in tongues.
Leah, girl-next-door event planner. She hikes up the tulle on her dress and lobs a football at Ben.
Lauren H. was the lucky recipient of the bouquet toss at a wedding recently so naturally she took that as a sign. She gives the shriveled bouquet to Ben who can’t believe it still smells good.
Breanne, a nutritional therapist who hates gluten so much she repeatedly smashed a baguette on the sidewalk in front of Ben. MUST…DESTROY…ALL…GLUTEN!
Isabel, who goes by Izzy, eschewed the idea of wearing a gown in favor of PJ’s. “I need to find out if you’re the onsie for me,” she says as America collectively groans.
Rachel who is unemployed ditched the limo in favor of a hoverboard. Is this the same vehicle that spontaneously bursts into flames and Amazon demanded we destroy like it’s a big, glutenly baguette? That’s good TV!
Maegan is a cowgirl who doesn’t go anywhere without her mini horse. Ben and Maegan have as much chemistry as a host and restaurant patron waiting to be seated but the horse is damn cute.
Laura, who likes to go by “Red Velvet,” is already intimidated. See ya at the reunion, Red Velvet!
Joelle, exits the limo wearing a giant unicorn head. Because why not?
Amanda tell us in her little girl voice (uh oh, Dr. Drew!) about the two daughters she left behind in her quest to find a man who will one day give them daddy issues. Go on and leave your kids, Amanda. Toddlers don’t do anything cool anyway.
Tiara who is billed as a”chicken enthusiast” shows pictures of her beloved birds–and Ben–in frames. My husband calls her the “female Gonzo.”
LB who does something in fashion. Blah blah blah. She’s too thin to care about.
Jackie arrives with a Save the Date card. Whoa. Hold your mini horses, girl.
Olivia, a newscaster from Florida says “hi” like seven times in three seconds. Ben loves her already.
Samantha, a recent law school graduate finds out during the limo ride that she passed the bar exam. Her dad passed away from ALS when she was a teen, but she takes comfort in knowing he’s smiling down on her as she prepares to don a bikini and get HPV from the shared toilet seats in the house.
Excited about the cast of potential wives, Ben calls to wake up his parents letting them know it’s real likely one of these twenty-six beauties or a mini horse will be joining them next Thanksgiving. Mom roots for the horse.
After some back-biting, bitch-calling, delusion of grandeur, aborted make-out attempts, and public shaming (all by the same horrible woman: Lace), Ben succumbs to a spontaneous dental exam (could probably floss better) a twin sandwich (“It’s not awkward for us so it shouldn’t be for you”), good old fashioned bonding over the sensual world of software sales, and two surprise contestants from previous seasons (what’s-her-face and Becca the Virgin!) He then has to explain to Lace why he won’t be sleeping with her tonight. Do we really need to do this? You’re one of twenty-eight girls, Lace. Not even close to the hottest. You just met the guy. She takes this to mean she’s definitely getting a rose tonight and she totally did because the producers must love her.
Soon Ben makes the tough choice to send eight girls who have been drinking on an empty stomach a’ packing. Breanne, the gluten hater is one of the casualties and is devastated because she’s “gone through so much already.” Yes, Breanne, it’s hard to give up wheat, but there are so many good alternatives out there these days. You’ll be okay.
A few final thoughts:
Becca, you might be a virgin but that dress you wore isn’t.
Can we keep the horse? Please!? I promise to take care of it!
L.B., in lieu of a rose, will you please accept a sandwich?
Tune into The Bachelor Mondays at 8PM on ABC and In the Powder Room: Mother Rose Best the following Tuesday!
