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My Facebook that is.

What’s with this thing? I’m on the fence with it. For one thing, I don’t get it. And worse? Everyone else seems to. I signed up a while back because we were thinking about advertising with them at work. Shortly after, people I haven’t talked to in eons were befriending me. My graduating high school class started another clique. Co-workers were sending messages. People were forming fan groups about obscure things that I too was a fan of. I mean hello? Everyone’s been using this thing and I had to stumble upon it?

But I’m still not sure what to do with my page or anyone else’s page for that matter. You can’t really blog so do I need to come back and visit your profile? And is there ever really a need to visit someone’s page what with that incredibly intrusive newsfeed that updates every mundane task your friends are accomplishing?

Shelly is bored.

Shelly is being strangled by a cat.

Shelly is running low on Gardenburgers and therefore must remember to stop at Fred Meyers on her way home from work or surely she will starve.

Do you care? Really?

And what’s with this whole poking and writing on walls thing? Is it ever okay to vandalize someone’s personal property, virtual or actual? I don’t care if you’re writing me a check for $100,000. If you’re writing it on my freakin’ wall it’s wrong! And when is ever okay to poke someone? I don’t even like Instant Messenger because I hate that whole meddling, “Are you there? I see you’re logged on! Where are you? Come talk to me!” And now we have superpokes? What’s that supposed to mean? Is it more like a shove? Like a, Hey man, I poked you! You too good to poke me back? Am I supposed to superpoke you back? How about a virtual restraining order? Do they have that option? Help me out here, people! What do I do with Facebook?

As if the pokes and the graffiti weren’t bad enough now I’m being challenged. What kind of friends are constantly challenging your intellect? The comic book hero challenge (failed it), the child star challenge (rocked it), the 80’s hair band power ballad challenge (I made that up but would have rocked it if it existed.) I took a movie compatibility quiz that told me to divorce my best friend. Hey Facebook! No one asked you! Dan has bad taste in movies, okay? He’s still a good person. I’m getting bit by vampires, asked to pass potted plants to ten of my friends or shoulder the guilt of an iceberg melting due to my laziness, and then there’s the play by play updates on what Shelia T. wants to do this weekend. I DON’T KNOW SHELIA T!

And don’t forget catbook and dogbook. I am now friends with my friends’ cats and dogs. Seriously. They have very elaborate pages too. How sad Monster and Pookie know how to use social networking sites better than I do.

The kicker came when I noticed something horrible floating by the newsfeed.

Shelly Mazzanoble just purchased a pair of BCBG Wide Leg Pants (black) and BCBG Trouser Jeans from

Excuse me??? No one told me my online shopping habits would be broadcast to my 48 friends and their 48 friends and so on, and so on, and so on! Facebook is like a nosy yet resourceful roommate. Quit it!

And yet I can’t stay away. I log on at least once a day if for no other reason than to see what my friends are doing. Bill is craving peanut butter. Sara is ashamed for laughing at someone fall down in the produce section of Safeway. Scott is in the shower. Scott! For the love of god step away from the computer! And log onto and get yerself some pants! I rated a movie the other day. I added a superpower application yesterday. I…I…I thought about writing on my friend’s wall the other day. What’s happening to me?

So friends, if you’re on Facebook please find and “friend” me. I would love to know what you’re doing. Like right now. What are you doing? Seriously. Why haven’t you updated your feed!? Why are you ignoring me? I know you’re logged on! I can see you! Update your feed, my friend! You haven’t had an update in 16 hours! Apparently my book is not just Facebook. It’s Two-Facedbook.

Right now, I’m drinking caramel flavored coffee, watching Good Morning America and reading the 4th edition Dungeon Master’s Guide. And looking at my friends photos and wondering if I can sue them for posting pictures of me in their albums or at least issue a cease and desist order. And I’m about to take a music compatibility quiz. And then judge my friends friends. Just in case you were wondering. Which you were. Right?

Shelly Mazzanoble

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