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I found out a couple of things yesterday.

1. A sweet, nice co-worker actually reads my website. Maybe it’s because she works in the PR department and it’s her job to read this thing. You know, to make sure I’m not divulging company secrets or dis’ing D&D. She admits that yes, she did get sent to the site for a “work-related” issue once (I wonder what that was all about) but insists she now comes back for fun. I’ll take that. Now I know I have two regular visitors! Watch out, Mommy!

2. The other thing I found out from “sweet, nice co-worker” Marcy, is that I haven’t updated this thing in eons.

“Last post was 9/30,” she told me.

“Wow, really?” I said. “That was a while ago, huh?”

“Yep. And it wasn’t a real post. It was you saying ‘go here because I wrote something else.’ Total copout.”

“Wow, really?”

“Yes, really. Now get crackin’!”

Wow. She’s tough. Watch out, Mommy!

Just a few days later I was on the phone with Mom. Nothing new there. We hung up and she called back minutes later.

“What now?” I said, feigning nonchalance. She always answers like this when I call her multiple times a day. If it’s during Prime Time she feigns nothing and usually answers with, “Why are you calling me now? You know House/CSI/Cold Case is on!”

“Why haven’t you updated your website lately? I’m going to remove your bookmark.”

Wow! Unbookmarking me? Is there a worse virtual slap in the face? So to Marcy and Mommy and anyone else who has made a return trip here since 9/30, my sincerest apologies. I didn’t know people actually read this thing. Well, 2 of them at least. And it’s not that I haven’t been writing. I have. Just not finishing anything.

Mom said I had to write something, even if it was something about how I didn’t have anything to write. So in an effort to get back into the habit of writing posts for the site, I will write about…well, nothing. Hey, it worked for Seinfeld.

Let’s talk dream analysis, shall we? Yes I know dreams are only interesting to those who are having them or in them. And even for the latter it can get kind of dicey. I’m sorry, but it makes me uncomfortable to think somewhere out there my likeness is being manhandled by someone’s subconscious. What if it puts me in ill-fitting pants or makes me eat steak or beat up kittens? That is not ok! What I need is some kind of legal dream team to burst into reveries and issue cease and desist orders.

But back to my dreams. I’ve been known to put myself into some compromising situations as well. Fortunately, I often have what is known as “lucid dreams” (I took a class on this in college—one of the many benefits of a liberal arts school) which means I am aware I am dreaming and can, if I choose to, change the outcome. I do it all the time. Hey, I’m the director here. If this dream is getting sad or boring I make a few tweaks. Usually I find something tall and jump off so I can get in a few seconds of flying.

I also remember many of my dreams with vivid clarity. The last 2 days have been non-stop dream marathons. I’d like to share some highlights with you now.

1. My friend Sarah was getting married (she got married in real life in August) and asked me to help out by organizing her spice rack and explaining to her how to find out how much sodium is in certain products. Personally I think I could have been put to better use but what-ev. Sarah wants what Sarah wants.

2. Later in the same dream, Sarah came walking down the aisle in a rather awful looking dress that was long and tight and covered in organza petals very much like an ivory Big Bird. I laughed. She stopped in the middle of the ceremony and asked what the hell was wrong with me. I said “that is not your dress. It’s super ugly.” She said, “It is not a dress. It’s a pantsuit,” and continued walking. She was right! It was a pantsuit and it was even worse.

3. I woke up in the middle of the night after dreaming someone dumped a pizza box on me that contained not just pizza but spiders and cobwebs! WTF, dream people??? Too tired to care, I fell back asleep almost immediately after determining even if this wasn’t a dream, Zelda, the cat, would probably scare all the spiders away and eat the left over pizza.

4. I was walking past my former elementary school with a bag full of produce and was on the phone with my mom. I told her I was just about to walk past my old nemesis’s house and Mom said, “Hold on, I’ll be right there.” I heard her footsteps retreating in the distance and knew she was seriously coming to meet me. It was a nice gesture and all but I was trying to get to the bank before it closed and wasn’t sure I’d have time to wait for her. Maybe I was going to deposit my peas and cucumbers? Not sure.

5. While I was at the Volvo dealership waiting for an oil change, the service guy told me my brake pads were all but worn out and it was damn near a miracle I even managed to pull up to the service entrance without plowing through the garage doors. I called my dad to find out how important these so-called brake pads really were and got my answer from a string of “Jesus Christ, Michele’s” and “Take care of that god damn car!” and “Don’t make me come out there and drive you home!” Now that would be a treat. My dad flying all the way from Upstate New York just to chauffer me home? Think we could stop for dinner on the way? So fine, fine, new brake pads for Belle. I spent the next hour checking out new Volvo’s figuring first the brake pads, then the something, then the something else so maybe it’s time to buy a new one. Besides, my mom keeps saying they’re “giving those things away” now but I couldn’t find any with a sticker that said “Free to Good Home.”

My friend Dan who lives in San Francisco called me up just as I was seconds away from buying a new Volvo. He asked me what I was doing for Halloween (just days away) to which I replied, “eating a bag of Kit Kats in my pajamas and watching Lifetime Television for Women into the wee hours. Same as any Friday night. Why?” He explained he was thinking of visiting but maybe not because I didn’t sound like much fun. Dan’s a liar and I called him on it because when we were roommates, that is exactly what we used to do EVERY night and loved it. He conceded and told me to throw some Taco del Mar into the mix and he’ll be there. I hung up and returned to Volvo shopping only a salesperson never asked if I needed help. Fifteen minutes later the service guy came out to tell me Belle was ready. I drove to Target in my old Volvo, with my new brake pads and fresh oil in search of the economy bag of Kit Kats.

Okay, now for the fun part! One of those scenarios is NOT a dream! Oh boy! Can you guess which one? Well, probably. Okay, maybe this isn’t that much fun.

Has this been at all interesting to you, Marcy or Mom? At least it’s something, right? I promise to get more on the ball. It hurts my heart to think of you two making the trip here only to find a big, old, “Nothing New for You” sign in the window. Kind of like hitting up Nordstrom Rack week after week only to find the same, boring, picked through racks of clothes. I feel your pain. May I offer you a Kit Kat?

Buona notte

Shelly Mazzanoble

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