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Instead of a timely recap of The Bachelor, I thought it would be more beneficial to “refresh your memory” as we’re now less than 24 hours from Episode 3. Also I found Episode 2 a little ho-hum.

Emphasis on the ho! Heya!

No really, with the exception of the Slutty Little Train that Could and Would and Does Every Freakin’ Chance She Gets it really was kind of blah. Thank God producers we have one very big, shiny, precious exception: Platinum Vagine (henceforth known as PV.) Every rose has it’s horny thorn and this girl is the biggest prick. Because of that, let’s just focus on her boobs antics this week, okay?

One of the best things about The Bachelor is how well it captures real life. You got a group of girls–now roommates–each suffering from their own fresh breed of daddy/abandonment/low self-esteem issues, hanging out in their PJ’s, tousled hair extensions and the morning sun rising behind them. As they sip champagne, they discuss their STRONG FEELINGS for the guy they met face-to-face nine hours ago.

But, Shelly, you say. Don’t be such a cynic! You’re all bitter because you have a day job and you wasted all that time getting to know your husband before getting hitched. Also, you’re OLD!

But they don’t even know this guy! Well, except for the HPV-Walking persona he crafted on television. He’s gross! Even other drunk, gross guys don’t like him!

Aw, come on, Shelly! Watching someone court and subsequently get dumped by THREE Bachelorettes on TV totally counts! Besides, haven’t you heard the old adage about “a person who is nice to you but rude to the girls who dumped him at the altar isn’t really a nice person”? Or something?

Oh fine. Ever hear the old adage that says, “no matter how shitty a person you are, there will still be at least 30 people who want to date you?”

But back to PV.

Sister hives. Ick.
Sister wives, sister hives. Ick. Amirite? Image courtesy of Instagram

She, along with a bevy of other women, were invited on the first group date of the season. 

Always a bridesmaid” the card Chris Harrison dropped off said.

“I’ve never been a bridesmaid,” PV said.

No shit? Could it be because most bridesmaids are friends of the bride and most brides don’t want to give their guests gonorrhea as a party favor.

The photoshoot, helmed by Tom Sellback’s super flamboyant, starving, sun damaged estranged brother, was a big blur of bare midriffs and booty shorts, but thankfully no sharks masquerading as dolphins. Nick fully believed one of those bags of saline would become the fourth woman to reject him on national television. PV was convinced it would be her because she was first to kiss Nick and the first name on the date card so clearly she’s number one.

“It’s better than being number 2,” she said. “Or going number 2.”

Umm, no it’s not. Maybe try adding some fiber to your next fuzzy navel, ‘k?

The photoshoot required girls to dress as various brides: 80’s, shotgun, beachy, traditional, dumb ho who met her husband on a reality TV show. PV gets the “slutty slutty bimbo” theme requiring a skimpy white bikini, but immedately gets pissed when she sees the “Adam and Eve” bride. The only thing covering that bitch’s upper half was some jenky hair extensions and Jergen’s Natural Glow lotion. Come on! Clearly “topless bride” was PV’s jam. 

Oh man, I hope this glue is dry. Image courtesy of Refinery29
Oh man, I hope this glue is dry. Image courtesy of Refinery29

Each girl took the “opp” in “photo opp” and used their session to ram their tongues down Nick’s throat. The others looked on and giggled, totally forgetting they were also dating this ass-clown. Well, all of them except for our little minx, PV who was uterly grossed out. Fortunately she does her best scheming when repulsed.

Everyone knows wearing a wet, white bikini sized for a baby guinea pig is too modest, not-to-mention inappropriate for snatching a husband out from 44 desperate, well-manicured, claws. Therefore, PV jumped in the pool, ripped off her top, and smeared her dumb, wet boobs all over Nick’s manscaped chest. He was all, “Whoa, wow, what is happening? Too fast, too fast, girl! Just kidding. Let’s get a room!” and she was all like, “Grab my dirty pillows and strike a groom-like pose!”

Afterwards, PV marveled at their connection and never once assumed their “sexual chemistry” had anything to do with waving her naked, man-made tatas in a straight man’s face. She was super proud of herself for being “daring” enough to take off her clothes unlike those silly puritans who only claim they want a husband. WHY ARE THEY MAKING AMERICA WAIT TO SEE THEM TOPLESS? What are their dads going to talk about at the office tomorrow? This is why they’re all single.

In her confessional, PV gushed over the awesomeness of the afternoon!

“NIck held my boobs today! HELD MY BOOBS!”

Cover my boobs with your hands! My dad's golf buddies are watching for goodness sake!
Cover my boobs with your hands! GRAB THEM! Don’t embarrass me in front of my dad’s golf buddies! Image courtesy of Elite Daily

Later, on a rooftop overlooking LA, the other girls sipped white wine while Nick had more private time with PV’s boobs. He told her she’s sexy and he loved her initiative. She BEAMED! BEAMED I tell you! She showed her appreciation by riding him like a commuter train in rush hour and eating his face.

PV returned to the other girls merely to rub in how fantastic her and Nick are getting on and how brave and bold and beautiful she was for going topless today. In her absence, Nick fills the time with gothy God-lover Raven who expressed concern. She gave up playing Gothy Mary for her church’s live nativity scene to meet a husband on on a game show and wants to know if Nick really has potential.

“Look,” she said. “I like you and I’m not calling you an asshole, but I am attracted to assholes because they just speak their minds and they’re open and I really like you.”

See, PV? This girl is eating enough fiber because clearly she understands assholes.

Sharky McDolphinhead tried to get some one-on-one time with Nick, but PV wasn’t playing.

“Go find a nice tuna net to curl up in, would you?” she said, taking ANOTHER turn with Nick.

Ooooh, girls don’t like girls who interrupt private time so they can get ANOTHER ROUND of private time!

When PV returned from her co-opted second make-out session she feigned concern because her nipple might have been “out.” Oh dear. Not the same nipple that was just floating in the pool along with your other nipple, two areolas, and two fake boobies BECAUSE YOU RIPPED OFF YOUR BIKINI TOP LIKE IT WAS COVERED IN FLAMING ZOMBIE FIRE ANTS. The horror!

No one responded, which immediately raised PV’s incredibly empathetic and intuitive hackles. 

“If you can’t handle being interrupted, then why did you come here?”


I mean, duh? Image courtesy of MonsterGif

Image courtesy of MonsterGIF

But was she done? Oh hell no! You don’t walk around with a platinum vagine and not feel obligated to shove that shit in some two-bit bachelor’s face. Once again she interrupted someone else’s one-on-one time and sent a sad, willess, dummy with manners back to the open bar. Boobs or no boobs, this girl was annoying as streaky self-tanner! No eff’ing way can Nick think this is cool, right? I mean, this is her third interruption! Even if he has no standards, thinks initiative = ripping off your top, and is a total asshat NO WAY IS HE INTO HER!

But the third interrupted casualty wouldn’t go down so easily. She returned to finish her conversation and sent PV straight into a tizzy. You DO NOT interrupt an interrupter! Re-interrupting is RUDE!

After yelling about and at the re-interrupter, PV made sure there were no hard feelings.

PV: “You’re okay right? No hard feelings?

Girl She Interrupted 2x: “Yeah.”

PV: “You’re fine?

Girl She Interrupted 2x: “Yes. Fine.”

PV: Are you sure you’re fine? Because I’m not getting a sense that you’re fine.

Girl She Interrupted 2x: “I AM FINE.”

PV: “Oh really? You’re fine? Really, bitch? You wanna see fine? LOOK AT MY BOOBS! NICK’S HANDPRINTS ARE STILL ON THEM! I’LL NEVER WASH THEM AGAIN!

And because I’m a total expert on this show and fluent in reading douchebaggery, Nick gave PV the damn date rose ensuring her safety for the week. Really, Nick?! I DON’T KNOW YOU AT ALL AND I HATE YOU MORE THAN EVER!

Other non-PV related shit that happened:

  • A helicopter date, a dead finance story, more contrived sympathy leading to the doling out of a one-on-one date rose.
  • Second group date gave girls the opportunity to break up with Nick as part of an interactive exhibit. Nick suffered PTSD.
  • Jaimi once dated a girl.
  • Nick and the chick he hooked up with at a wedding had it out. He wasn’t convinced her motives were pure and she had a hard time coming up with a reason for being there other than, “I like wearing bathing suits on national TV!” He asked why she didn’t just get his number from their mutual friend to which she replied, “I don’t like phone conversations and auditioning, getting cast, quitting my job, and leaving everything behind was so much easier.” Totally realistic story aside, Nick believed she was just a fame whore and asked her to leave and please never wear those booty skorts again. Skorts, dammit!
  • Nick had to explain to the other girls why there would be one less box of tampons under the sink at Bachelor Mansion and oh btw, him and Liz once got shit-faced at a wedding and had sex in a hotel hallway. MIND. BLOWN.
  • Sharky celebrated the one year anniversary of her boob job by sharing two nipple-adored cupcakes with Nick. I like her!

The episode ended there! But previews showed lots of shocking, mocking, and PV cock-blocking, as well as bikini-clad girls ugly crying in bathrooms.

Can’t. Freakin’. Wait.


Shelly Mazzanoble

2 Replies to “The Bachelor, Week 2: Sun’s Out, Boob’s Out”

  1. Shelly, you’re the only reason that I try to watch the show (I don’t always make it through the entire two hours since, well, my eyes/ears start to bleed and I have to leave the room). But I do look forward to these recaps. If only you could set up a simulcast of snark during the show!
    But for the real reason for the comment: did you see the latest theory on PV:
    At this point, anything is possible.
    Thanks for helping us through this difficult time until Bachelor in Paradise comes back.
    Andy R Ross

  2. Whoa! Two tweens stacked in a trench coat? YES OF COURSE! This is brilliant! Thank you for sharing, reading, and most importantly watching even though it makes your eyes and ears bleed. You are my hero!

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