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Meet Brandon.

That's the smile of a man who needs a daddy.
That’s the smile of a man who needs a daddy.

We all know about “daddy issues.” We wouldn’t have shows like The Bachelor or Bad Girls Club without them. But “mommy issues” are equally prevalent as evidenced on last night’s episode of The Bachelorette. Don’t judge. It’s required viewing for soon-to-be parents so you can witness what happens to your kids when you don’t read to them or make them write thank you notes.

This dude, Brandon– oh my. In only 3 episodes he’s mentioned his mommy issues more times than the word “rose” was uttered by the entire cast. Apparently after Brandon’s daddy “ran away” when he was five, his mommy paraded a long string of potential daddies throughout his childhood. And just when he “fell in love with these guys” they left. Chicks love hearing these stories upon first meeting potential paramours. By all means, let loose on the abandonment issues before the less trivial stuff like where you’re from or what you do.

Not to spoil things for you but, well, Brandon didn’t get a rose last night and was totally confused by this. You see, he thought when he confided for the eighteenth time to Desiree, The Bachelorette, about his mom’s inability to keep a man and his constant quest for a male role model, they were bonding. Umm…no. Desiree (who clearly hasn’t made many good decisions lately because she’s– well, The Bachelorette) rightfully kicked him to the curb, gently explaining their lack of chemistry.

“You’re a great guy– just not for me.”

He still didn’t get it.

“I don’t understand,” he answered.

Well tough noogies, Brandon. Google it or something.

In his exit interview, he was visibly dejected. Even looking a little quite a bit maniacal with is beady little raven eyes darting up and down, and backwards inside his skull.

“Another person left me,” he sighed. “Way to go, Brandon.”

Yes, he congratulated himself on driving another person away.

And just when you really wanted to punch him in the neck he shook his head and added, “There just aren’t any more tears left.”

Oh, me-wow, Brandon.

You might not see the educational value in watching shows like this, but I do. In about a month or so, I will have a son. A son who might grow up to attend college and get a job and afford his own car insurance. Or he might grow up and look for love on a national television show, using things like his mommy’s love of reality television or play-acting scenes from Mommie Dearest before bed as tactics to get a woman he just met on TV to marry him. While he might not get a rose, he will likely get “Clip of the Week” on The Soup and for that I can’t help but be proud.


Shelly Mazzanoble

2 Replies to “Way to Go, Brandon.”

  1. I find people like that fascinating. How did he get that far without anyone pimp-slapping him with the truth? Didn’t anyone ever tell him that self-pity is about as attractive as a face full of un-popped white heads? I cannot help but wonder how he’s gotten through life without anyone pointing out to him that his glaring flaw is driving people away with a salted whip. Perhaps he is like my mother, who doesn’t like the real version of reality and therefore creates her own in her head. *sigh*

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