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Welcome to a special holiday edition of Shelly’s Favorite Things. This fine Memorial weekend I stumbled, slept or ate my way through several wonderful treats that must go on the list. I’m still awaiting an endorsement deal, by the way.

It was a lovely weekend due mostly in part to out-of-character weather days. Memorial Day Weekend isn’t supposed to be nice in the Pacific Northwest. It’s supposed to be disappointingly gray and wet and give us all something to whine about on Tuesday morning. But Saturday and Sunday were fabulous days. Hot and sunny. Blue sky and breezy. I think even I have been a little Vitamin D starved lately because I found myself actually doing things outside. I was inches from hitting the gym to run on a treadmill while watching Rock of Love reruns on VH1, but decided last minute to take myself running in a park and watch dogs making out with dogs instead of Bret Michaels making out with dogs.

With or without a holiday weekend, might I suggest the following things for your entertainment? (And no, Rock of Love, entertaining as it may be, is not an official recommendation.)

Daytime TV: I woke up at 9:53 AM on Monday. This was a big disappointment seeing as though in my youth I could easily coast through to the double digits without so much as a stir. I guess I’m getting older and my inability to sleep like a newborn is the most depressing part about it.

I moved myself from the bed to the living room where I watched a combination of the Top 10 Amazing Kitchens on HGTV and about 3 minutes of The View. Oh God I’m so ashamed! The View? How could I? But I felt the need to try it the way you might feel the need to try your aunt’s famous baked beans or bungee jumping or online dating. I mean, with the exception of the occasional sick day (and if I’m really sick I probably can still make it to double digits with my eyes closed) when do I get to watch trashy daytime TV? My mom watches The View and calls me three times a week to tell me how much she hates it. Look, Mommy, The View is not an antibiotic. It’s not something you need to take every day. Certainly there is something else you could be watching like number 6 on the Top 10 Awesome Kitchen list. But alas, I missed it in favor of hearing Whoopi tell America she does not want to have sex with someone everyday for one year. And I know this why? Ick.

Apathetic BBQs: My friends R&P wanted to break in their new grill by inviting us all over for a BBQ. Unfortunately no one told P that he’d actually have to use the darn thing.

“Do you really want a Gardenburger?” he asked, daring me to say yes.


“Fine, but I’m not cleaning the meat parts off the grill first.”

“Maybe, I’ll just have beans, thanks.”

Then five minutes later I heard him harass another guest over bratwurst.

“You want me to grill you a bratwurst? Really? I have to go outside to do that!”

Monster Naps: Sunday night I took a nap around 7:00 PM and woke up at 1:30 in the morning. Oops. So much for any plans. But really is there anything better than an impromptu nap? And not just a nap, but a monster nap. The kind that sneaks up on you and knocks you on the back of the head and throws you down on whatever soft surface is nearby. The kind that you try to wake up from but you’re too tired to open your eyes and that’s okay because you realize you have nothing to do but sleep. Good times. In fact, the best of times. Should a monster nap sneak up on you, don’t fight it. You win by succumbing to it. Sweet dreams.

Whole Foods: Yeah I know. I’m a hypocrite. Anyone who knows me has probably heard me rant about this place. It’s all about aesthetics with them. Luring me in with their neatly organized rows of strawberries only to charge me $8 for a half a pint of them. Look, Whole Foods, are those $8 strawberries going to organize themselves in neat, little, symmetrical rows in my kitchen? No! They’re going to rot in my crisper drawer just like all the other strawberries! And why are you always crowded, Whole Foods? Always. No matter what time of day or day of the week, every aisle is bottlenecked with spectators marveling over the $14 box of organic oatmeal or 100% hemp aprons or lactose-wheat-glutton-sugar-free organic salad dressing. Really? How starved for nutritional promises are we?

All that aside, my friends suggested we eat dinner at Whole Foods one night before going out. We were crunched for time and it was nearby. I agreed. Grudgingly, I went figuring I could cough up enough change for a Jamba Juice and hard-boiled egg. But wow! A whole new world has opened up to me! Whole Foods is not messing around when it comes to ready-to-eat meals—pizza, sandwiches, salad bar, hot foods, cold foods, dessert bar! And here’s a not so secret secret. I LOVE buffets. I was made for buffets. I do not however love buffets where you pay by the pound. Must we put a monetary value on my giant appetite? Did I really pay $23 for a salad? (Note to self: leave off the heavy produce. Probably paid $6 in cauliflower alone.) Regardless I’m now obsessed with Whole Foods and their sesame tofu. Don’t laugh. They’re serving it in whatever heaven you might believe in. I’ve eaten there 3 out of 4 days in a row. The deli man knows me. Before I can even ask he’s got my order boxed and weighed and tells me to, “take 2 and see him in the morning.” That I will, Mr. Whole Foods Deli Man! Keep on marinating.

Wii Fit: Novel idea, this Wii Fit. And if you’re ever feeling nostalgic for 7th grade when you got picked on by the stupid, popular kids, by all means plug in this little bastard! It really shouldn’t be considered a favorite thing but I have to admit, it made me snicker. The Wii Fit wants to help you get in shape by offering several “get-active” games ranging from yoga to aerobics, to surfing. It asks for your height and weight so it can measure your BMI then promptly tells you that you are either overweight, fat, or obese. Apparently no one on Planet Nintendo is at a healthy BMI. But wait! That’s not all. Not only does it have the nerve to tell you how overweight, fat, or obese you are, it shows you, by taking your cute, little Mii, giving it love handles and a couple dozen double chins, and stuffs it into a sweat suit. You can practically hear your Mii’s thighs rubbing against each other.

The worst part of all is my brother and I got this 7th grade cheerleader for low self esteem disguised as a video game for our mom. The only saving grace is that I’m pretty sure she won’t use it now that I’ve seen it in action.

“It does what?” she asked, when I warned her not to take it personally.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy. We got you an eating disorder.

Speaking of eating disorders, I’m on my way to Whole Foods to see my favorite Deli Man. What are the chances he knows someone at Corporate who can hook me up with an endorsement deal?

Shelly Mazzanoble

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