The Bachelor, Week 1: Whores Galores

I only feel slightly bad for using the word, “whores” but hello! We’re talking about The Bachelor here! Not Uniceff Goodwill Ambassadors.

Now that you’ve read all of those timely recaps, how about one that’s 2 days post-mortem? Great! Let’s go!

Season 21 kicked off with the standard gratuitous topless shot of our reformed bad boy, super jerk bachelor, Nick out for a jog in <<insert major metropolitan city.>> Because ABC really wants women to like this guy, they treated us to an additional six seconds of Nick undressing and hopping into a steamy shower while a rather generously-sized black box covered his private parts. I mean, it was a really large black box. Like thigh-to-navel black box. I’m pretty sure Nick doesn’t need a black box quite that large to cover his privates but whatevs. Probably had that worked into his contract.

Because this is Nick’s FOURTH time looking for love on national television, it is important to relive all of his super humiliating alter dumpings and general douche-baggery. See, women hated him because he’s an STD personified and men hate him because women still want to sleep with him. Whatevs again. Nick then tries to explain away all of his bad body language with things like, “When I sit like this I’m not really bored!” or “My face always looks like a cat’s asshole! I can’t help it!” Really he’s a super nice guy who just happens to look like a bag of dicks.

So, umm, we racked our brains and think we came up with a really good catch phrase for this season."
So, umm, we racked our brains and think we came up with a really good catch phrase for this season.” – Love, the ABC Marketing Team

We get it. You’re the new bachelor. We’re supposed to like you and want you to get engaged so 4 days later you can tell Us Weekly you amicably ended things after lugging your college mattress all the way to her hometown and wish nothing but the best for each other. Get on with it!

Next, we saw previous Bachelors Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, and Chris Soules join Nick to talk about how much they hate him and hope this is the last god damn time he uses The Bachelor platform to find a wife. They also gave him advice.

“Do not open your mouth when you kiss any of those women! That’s totally gross!” said Bachelor Ben.

“Just pick the most boring girl that doesn’t warrant any airtime so people will think you accidentally fell in love with a PA or crew medic or something,” said Bachelor Sean.

“Don’t believe a girl who says she’ll move to a farm in remote Iowa. She won’t. Apparently that’s kind of a deal-breaker. Whatevs,” said Bachelor Chris.

Finally it was everyone’s favorite part– watching the parade of sequins and thong underwear exit a limo. This time the Universe brought 30 desperate fame-whores women to Bachelor Mansion to bed, and hopefully wed the most desperate fame-whore of all.

Whose going home with cold sores and a case of pancreatitis? At least 80% of these women:

Danielle C.: A giant pair of boobs who apparently owns 3 nail salons. Not sure what her face looked like or really even if she had one. Did I say giant boobs?

Elizabeth: Umm, she does something in marketing?

Rachel: Pretty. Smart. Attorney. Seems like the kind of woman you’d want your single guy friend to bring to your dinner party. But alas, she’s African American so, well, you know how it goes. Don’t get attached.

Christen: Some idiot who hid behind a yellow fan, did an awkward short-lived flamenco interpretive dance, and got all star struck when she came to fan to face with Nick. Chris Harrison maybe warrants this sort of behavior, but Nick?

Taylor: Mental Health Professional who has been studying Nick for the last four years. Tells him all of her friends absolutely despise him, but she doesn’t believe all the horrible, venomous crap they’ve been spewing and is totally sure they’ll come around when he proposes.

Kristina: Former Russian orphan turned dental hygienist.

Angela: A model, because of course.

Lauren: Acknowledges the unfortunate pronunciation of Nick’s last name (Viall = Vile) and said she felt his pain because her last name is “Hussy.” “Together we would be a disgusting slut,” she said. I can’t help but like this girl.

Michelle: Owns a food truck or something.

Dominique: She’s a restaurant server. Not a waitress, okay?

Ida Marie: Despite his bad boy image, she totally trusted Nick and to prove it did a trust fall. Cool! What’s your game plan for your first date, Ida Marie? A Myers Briggs test?

Sylvia: From Alaska. Gave Nick an eskimo kiss.

Sara: Ran up to Nick because he’s always the runner up. Get it? Get it?

Jasmine G.: ?

Hailey: “What does a girl who wears underwear say?” I don’t know. “I don’t know either.” Ooooooh!

Astrid: From Sweden! Also the name of my first ever D&D character!

Liz: A doula who slept with Nick at the wedding of former Bachelor couple, Jade and Tanner. Seems pretty proud of the fact, but isn’t sure if Nick will remember her. Say whatthef?!

Corinne: Resident big time slutty villain. Works for “multimillion dollar” family business. Has her own personal nanny. For her. Spoiler Alert: This is the bimbo with the platinum vagine.

Vanessa: Special Ed Teacher. Beautiful. Multilingual. By far the best quality girl on the show who will inevitably wind up ugly crying in a hot tub and not understanding how she ended up being the girl who ugly cries in the hot tub. Shame.

Danielle M.: Made Nick lick homemade maple syrup off her finger. Sticky and sweet just like her.

Raven: A holy Wednesday Adams. Where she’s from (somewhere down south) they “go mudding and read their bibles.” Oh girl, welcome to the mansion. You’ll totally fit right in.

Jaime: She has balls! On her nose ring! Super classy.

Briana: A stethoscope-yielding nurse who checked Nick’s heart rate. If you’re doing nurse stereotypes, why not do the slutty nurse thing? Know your audience, Briana!

Susannah: Gave Nick a beard massage and I’m still not sure why.

Josephine: Another nurse! Brought a book with a hot dog inside and proclaimed Nick to be a “wiener in her book.” Because that wasn’t horrible enough, she made him take a bite of said wiener and vomit in the bushes.

Brittany: And another nurse! This one goes with the pop proctology exam! Hey Brittany, do you know how to pump a stomach or dislodge a warm, undercooked hot dog from an airway? Because if so, you’re needed in the bushes.

Jasmine: Flight attendant.

Whitney: Pilates instructor. Because flight attendant wasn’t cliche enough.

Lacey: Rides in on a camel because she knew Nick liked “a good hump.” Remarkably all the other women are jealous because they didn’t think of this grand entrance.

Alexis: Resident endearing psychopath who is obsessed with dolphins so she shows up in a shark costume. No one is jealous of this entrance.

"They call me Flipper, Flipper, Flipper, because I flipped my lid!"
“They call me Flipper, Flipper, Flipper, because I flipped my lid!”

The night in a nutshell? Here you go:

Jasmine, the flight attendant is the first to cry. 98% of the women wore a red dresses.  Alexis is absolutely convinced she’s a dolphin even though she’s clearly dressed in a shark costume

What? You've never seen a dolphin in a shark costume before?
What? You’ve never seen a dolphin in a shark costume before?

Corrine wanted to kiss Nick during the 27 seconds they spoke so she interrupted someone else’s 26 seconds to lay one on him. In addition, she gave Nick a bag of tokens to cash in whenever he feels like it. Tokens include things like “non-consentual make out session,” “Have my nanny make us dinner,” and “Free upgrade to platinum status.” Kristina the Russian orphan caved very, very quickly under the unbearable weight of bronzing cream and double-sided tape. Lots of crying under the unflattering light held by a gaffer’s assistant.

In maybe the biggest twist in Bachelor history, Nick gave the first impression rose to Rachel– the very cool, beautiful, personable African American woman who has no shot of winning. Maybe the rose knew it because it was saddest, limpest, most passed over grocery store rose in the show’s history. Come on, ABC! Keep those roses in a vase, or at least wrapped in a wet paper towel until showtime!

In the end, eight hearts were broken as Nick bid a fond “dodged that bullet!” to: Susannah, Briana, Olivia, Angela, Lauren, Michelle, Jasmine B., and Ida Marie.

Somewhere in a California mansion, Alexis still thinks she’s a dolphin even though she was very freakin’ clearly dressed like a shark.

I’m already ooking forward to next week!

Fall in Love with Your TV Again

Ah, the magic of fall…

Time for nesting and nestling in with friends old and new. But especially new because let’s face it–some of the old ones are getting a bit played out.

It’s when I don my best leisurewear and kick back on the sofa with my new friends and demand entertainment.

Tell me your vapid tales of one-night stands and surprise pregnancies!

Spin me a yarn about how hard it is to make friends when you’re famous and a millionaire in the second largest U.S. city!

Plan me the most complicated DIY dinner party and invite lots of celebrity potheads! Yes! BRING ME THE GREEN FIENDS!

Dance, TV, Dance!
Dance, TV, Dance!

Fall television is no joke, people. I mean Entertainment Weekly dedicates a whole issue to it.  Everyone’s got an opinion on who the growers and soon-to-be no showers will be. Who’s going to make it? Who will be dumped before your DVR even learns their names? Which shows is Kris Jenner executive producing and therefore dooming civilization to eternal syndication long after the shark has been jumped?

I can’t get enough of this. This must be how fantasy sports players feel right before the draft.

Not sure where to look for a DVR download? Sure, you could go to E! News if you want a comprehensive round-up of the new shows. (And maybe answer a poll about which new cast member has the dumbest hair.) Or visit my virtual soulmate, The Ashley if you only care about the important stuff like reality TV. If you’re suffering from childhood abandonment issues which have resulted in an inability to develop long-term meaningful relationships and don’t want to waste time getting attached to a show that’ll get cut quicker than Taylor dumped rehab-bound Selena, you should go with the experts and see which shows have the best odds of being renewed.  And yes, real-live experts are spending time thinking about this stuff, which delights me to no end. I guess you could say Fall TV is like betting on the Super Bowl for lazy, judgey couch potatoes. Or maybe more like putting a wager on how long it will take to sing the national anthem during the Super Bowl. Whatevs. It’s cool.

Of course if you’re really serious about your TV watching and want to narrow it down to the best of the best, you could go with your most trusted source– me!

I ask you: have I ever let you down? Have IHave I?

Ladies and gentlemen, get your sweats and start your DVRs and tell your real friends you’ll see them in the Spring. You’re going to be very busy.

What's in those brownies, Martha? (Credit: VH1)
What’s in those brownies, Martha? (Credit: VH1)

Martha and Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party: Not a joke, people. Executive produced by bunny kisses and unicorn dreams, this is exactly why we have televisions. The Mother of DIY Living and the Doggfather of ganga and random political endorsements are joining forces to bring us the most anticipated show of the season. In this glorious new series, the unlikely duo hosts dinner parties for celebrity friends. Who knew you could roll a joint with hospital corners? Oh yes, definitely a good thing.

Hollywood & Football: Is this how the NFL is trying to reach more women? Fine. You had me at Hollywood & Football. Here we’ll follow six LA Rams and their significant others as they make the incredibly hard transition from life in the middle of America to life on the West-coast of America. How will they speak the language? Will they understand currency conversions? Will they have to eat kale?! This terrifying unscripted docu-series (READ: Not a reality show!) takes us behind the scenes of rich, pretty people trying to find their way off the 405 and into the nearest Ralph’s Grocery.

"So I'm thinking, I know a thing or two about being a bear. I could teach you all about this hibernation thing. And how to get yer face unstuck out of a pot of hunny." (Credit: Discovery Press)
“So I’m thinking, I know a thing or two about being a bear. I could teach you all about this hibernation thing. And how to get yer face unstuck out of a pot of hunny.” (Credit: Discovery Press)

Project Grizzly: Aw man, this is gonna be tearjerker. After bear trainer Jeff Watson realizes it’s not cool to keep bears as pets, he decides to set them free. Only problem, his big ass bears have been living like parakeets and don’t really know the first thing about being bears in the wild. So teach them he must. Yes, that’s right. A man teaches bears how to be bears. Who doesn’t love a make-over show?

Leave it to Lifetime TELEVISION FOR WOMEN to come out with not one, but TWO quality new shows I will surely be binge-watching with my mommy. Thank you, Lifetime TELEVISION FOR WOMEN! I can always count on you for some good old-fashioned female bonding.

Lifetime describes these two new shows as, “documenting the action-packed journey of what happens when a woman becomes unexpectedly pregnant.”

Why yes, Lifetime TELEVISION FOR WOMEN. Spot on! I would also describe pregnancy–unexpected or otherwise–as “action-packed.” I remember my own action-packed pregnancy having to remember to take all those extra vitamins and get out of bed to pee in the middle of the night– in the dark! Bart was all like, “Slow your roll, Mario. That bathroom ain’t going nowhere!” Lifetime TELEVISION FOR WOMEN really gets women.

But I digress.

First we have 30-Something Grandma and yep, that title is really letting it all hang out there. Need I say more? Nope, but I will. 30-Something Grandma is a docu-series (READ AGAIN: Not a reality show!) following three moms and their teenage daughters who are about to become first-time mommies themselves. Spoiler alert! One grandma has to postpone a trip to Mexico. Save the drama for teenaged mamas’ mamas!

"If I wanted to have a gosh darn grand baby, I'd just have it myself!" (Credit: Lifetime.com)
“Ma! Stop crying! I’m gonna get my license in five months and you can totally stop having to come to these stupid appointments with me!” (Credit: Lifetime.com)

Knocked Up is all class, baby. This series follows the journey of three once carefree, single ladies who were having a grand ol’ time being unattached and irresponsible until “one night of fun” finds them up the duff.  Spoiler Alert! They all have to make lifestyle changes!

And speaking of "lifestyle changes," can we discuss your bra choices?"
“So we’re going to create a mold of your giant pregnant belly and create your new bra cups with it. Because, girl, “lifestyle changes,” means “be gone with those slutty A-cup underwires.” (Credit: Lifetime.com)

Window Warriors: I love Carson Kressley so if he’s going to sign up to judge a two-bit, over-done, no-one-cares reality show, it’s my job to watch it. Especially when it’s none of those things! Excuse me while I continue counting down the seconds. This competition show pits the, “country’s most talented window merchandising designers” against one another to create elaborate window displays. Yep, window displays. Expect lots of product placement and manufactured drama.

Scandal Made Me Famous: Nope, sorry, this is not the unauthorized Kerry Washington biography. She was totally famous before that Scandal. This is real scandal. Like murdering-your-children or cutting-off-your-husband’s-private-parts scandal. You know, heart-warming stuff like that. Relive the tales that turned the likes of Lorena Bobbitt and Amy Fisher into pithy New York Post headlines. This is the stuff sick days were made of. Start practicing your fake cough now.

Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath: For fear David Miscaviage will pop a cap into my Direct TV satellite dish, all I will say about this show is, “YES, Leah, Yes!”

Totally hired for our skillz, dude.
Totally hired for our skillz, dude and not because we all wear the same size pants. (Credit: Bravo)

Timber Creek Lodge: Thank you, Bravo. In the vein of Ladies of London and Southern Charm, this is another notch in the “Please God don’t let anyone know I’m watching this” belt. Beautiful settings, slutty, gorgeous staffers, and spoiled, over-the-top clients make this basically Below Deck in a ski chalet. And yes, we do need more Below Deck.

Ghosts in the Hood: These real-life ghostbusters investigate paranormal activity in LA neighborhoods other ghost hunting teams won’t touch. Why? I dunno know. Because ghosts aren’t real? Pa’shaw! This squad of ghosties includes a “verified medium,” a technician, and a comedian so you know they’re LA legit. Woooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh!

The BachelorDoesn’t matter the time of year, it’s always Bachelor season as far as I’m concerned. Yes, ladies and gentleman, it’s true. The only man who has appeared on The Bachelor franchise more than Chris Harrison himself gets another shot at love. Can I get bro hug and a spray tan for Nick Viall?

"I can't possibly button my fly until I've had at least 3 cups of coffee." (Credit: The hollywoodgossip.com)
“I can’t possibly button my fly until I’ve had at least 3 cups of coffee.” (Credit: The hollywoodgossip.com)

They made us love him on BiP as he worked hard to shirk his loser in love reputation and became a charming, endearing, almost rational romantic sage. He was kind to the dumb twins, stood up to that enormous asshat, Josh who bested him yet again for a female’s attention, and tried really hard to pretend he didn’t know he was going to the be the next Bachelor and fake some chemistry with that Jenn girl. This season promises lots of tears and emotional breakdowns–from Nick himself. I’m already glued to my TV.

All Good Things

…must come to an end.

Sigh…

I’m going to miss writing these Bachelor recaps.

But, but, I love them both! Can't I have two rings, Mr. Lane?
But, but, I love them both! Can’t I have two rings, Mr. Lane?

You’ve got to check out the final installment of Mother Rose Best, Fools of Engagement, if for no other reason than to see the awesome Chris Harrison GIF the editors unearthed. It’s pretty fabulous.

Many thanks to the ladies of In the Powder Room for allowing me to crash the stalls once a week. What pure joy they are to work with.

Cheers to another match made in Reality TV heaven, where the booze flows and annulments are doled out like shots of penicillin. I’m sure it took me longer to write this post than for Bachelor Ben to realize he should have picked Bachelorette #2. Oh well. There’s always next season.

How many seasons is too many season? Asking for a friend.
How many seasons is too many season? Asking for a friend.

 

Mother Rose Best, Week 9

Remember this girl?

Sit and spin, bitches!
Sit and spin, bitches!

Spoiler alert! She’s still in the running to be America’s Next– oops! Wrong show. But yeah, she’s still in the running to be Bachelor Ben Higgins’ ex-fiance. Which is great because she’s helping today’s children become better citizens of tomorrow. How, you ask? Clearly you have not been reading Mother Rose Best. You best giddy-on-up over to In the Powder Room and check out the latest, Jamaican of a Marriage, right now. Why? Because I’m the mother, that’s why! And clean your room while you’re at it.

 

Be Offended

Facebook offers some really fun insights on pages you manage. For instance, after I posted the link for the latest Mother Rose Best, “Putting the Ho in Hometown“, 4 people either hid that post, hid ALL posts, reported me as Spam or unlike my page. Damn! Four?

What? Don’t hide me, my friends. Why do I offend? You’ll have to read it and and report back.

Smooches!

 

New Mother Rose Best

Burning questions, people!

  • Did Ben the Bachelor moved beyond tight-lip, closed-mouth kissing?
  • Did the token virgin give it up in Ben’s childhood bedroom?
  • Did a future NFL cheerleader’s understudy’s intern make Ben’s mother cry?

And more importantly, why is this blonde woman choking out another blonde woman?

He's my fake husband, Blondie! MINE!
He’s my fake husband, Blondie! MINE!

Find out the answers to these questions and more in the latest Mother Rose Best!

Mother Rose Best- Save the Drama for Bahamas

Oh man, The Bachelor sure doesn’t lack for writing fodder. It’s like a two-year old that way. Also in other ways like the fearful, petchulant, moody behavior of the contestants. Also the gullibility and belief in fairy tales. Also… wow. Maybe that’s a whole separate column.

As if I didn’t love In the Powder Room already, I love them even more every Monday when I write the latest Mother Rose Best and every middle of the night Tuesday when I turn it in (because I’m slow. And a bad editor. And easily distracted by shiny things on the internet.) Please read the latest installment, Save the Drama for Bahamas now. Take your time. I’ll just be shopping for plant stands on the internet.

Are you back? Okay. So much more to discuss about this season and I’ve been remiss on posting my larger recaps. I KNOW you’re dying to find out what happened. So here’s some of the highlight from where we left off.

  • Olivia was mean to the girls
“Talking crazy shit is my jam, bitches. I mean, bros.”
  • She called Amanda “Teen Mom” and greatly offended EVERYONE
  • Olivia still thought she had a psychic connection with Ben and that he sent her positive affirmations through his body language and secret hand signals
  • Ben’s virginal tongue still hasn’t kissed anyone
  • Twin Emily can NOT get over Olivia calling Amanda Teen Mom and claimed it was the most offensive thing she ever heard.
    • Twin Emily is grossly sheltered. Clearly.
    • As a 40-something mom with a toddler, I welcome any and all comparisons to Teen Mom. Bring on the offensive comments, Olivia!
  • Caila is still super annoying and acts like a ten year-old girl who still plays with Barbie. And she’s scared to death of a relationship. Ben apparently likes that in a girl-woman.
  • Jubliee melted down and got the inevitable boot. “Inevitable” because she is African-American, not because of her meltdown. I liked her. This made me sad.
  • Leah went bat shit cray cray. She lost it big time and tried to take Ben’s favorite, Lauren B. down with her.
  • Emily told Ben that Olivia was a meanie. Ben pretended to be surprised and saddened to hear this.
  • Ben pulled Olivia aside to ask her why she was such a bully
    • Because the girls are jealous of her
    • Because she has a target on her back after getting the first impression rose
    • Because she has ugly toes
    • Because she’s a victim
    • Because the girls are dumb and she is smart and wants to “talk smart things.” Like, right?
Like, fat toes and cankles, you dig?
  • Ben thought Las Vegas was a great place to fall in love
  • Ben thought Mexico was a great place to fall in love
  • Ben thought the Bahamas were a great place to fall in love
  • After the girls on the Bahamas group date bitched out and ignored him, Ben started questioning the reality of finding his wife on reality TV
  • Ben pondered throwing himself off a cliff in the middle of a hurricane
“Maybe face-planting on these rocks would be less painful than listening to women I have no desire to tongue kiss sob all day. Hmm…”
  • Pigs swim in the Bahamas (real pigs, not a metaphor) and nearly drowned the girls over some chicken hotdogs. It was fabulous.
“It’s chicken, I swear!”
  • Olivia was dumped on the worst private island ever and apparently left there to die.
“I wore my best Mom jeans for this?”
  • Some other girls went home crying in black SUVs. Later!

And that’s basically what you missed. Are you asking yourself why you’re not watching this gold? Put down that book and get cultured for goodness sake!

 

Meow, Sex Panther!

Come on. How can you not read something called, Sex Panther? You know you want to.

Head on over to In the Powder Room for my latest Mother Rose Best column. Have I told you how much fun I’m having with this? I am! To think I used to watch this purely for the drama, cat fights, and ego-inflating meltdowns. There’s pure parenting gold in them hills!

Mother Rose Best graphic

The Bachelor, Ep. 3 Recap

We open with the girls lounging around their mansion, sipping bevvies and talking trash. Word has it Olivia dropped $40,000 on her wardrobe. What what?! The girls pondered her inner workings and came to the very astute realization is that she’s not a nice person but “knows how to not look bad in front of the cameras.”

My friends—there be geniuses among us.

Meanwhile Olivia used her one-on-one time with the cameras to repeat her wanton desire to hold Ben’s hand. And kiss him. And become Mrs. Ben Higgins or at least French kiss him. Yes, French kissing would do nicely.

Chris Harrison showed up and the girls half-assed tried to not look disappointed. He noticed the air is “different.” It’s getting “heavy” up in here. He dropped off the date card, letting the girls know this week would be a little different. There would one group date and be two one-on-ones, the first going to Lauren B.

Jubilee shot her a dirty look. Lauren B. bats her freakishly long lashes in disbelief. Cut to a shot of her applying mascara to her freaky long lashes. I expect they have their own Twitter account by now.

When Ben showed up, he and Lauren spent considerable time marveling at the fact they are both wearing shades of blue. I mean, eHarmony couldn’t have paired them better. This color-matching must be science.

They cruised down the highway in a convertible, which Lauren pretended to enjoy but, like any girl who spent four hours curling her hair and applying mascara to freakishly long eyelashes, was really pissed about.

They spotted an enormous sign for an airport and Lauren asked, “Are we going to an airport right now?”

See? Geniuses.

A bi-plane was ready to take them on a romantic, nausea-inducing tour over the Bachelor mansion. Lauren was full of nerves which is to be expected from a flight attendant. But fear not.  Shortly after take off, she disclosed that, “flying in the clouds with Ben takes the nerves away.” Good to know Ben’s limp arm around a shoulder can accomplish what years of experience and flight simulator training can not. (And yes, I know a bi-plane is different than a 747 but still. She was a little dramatic.)

As they make-out (how could they not in that tiny airplane seat) I noticed Ben’s little bracelet that says, “Hope.” Aw, Ben, that’s cute. Now can you please give that back to the American Girl doll you stole it from? This guys is getting hokier and less charming by the millisecond.

Between the hot tub that magically appeared in the desert and the surprise private concert from a country singer I never heard of, Ben and Lauren discussed her trust issues (which surely will be solved by dating a man alongside 28 other women on national TV) and how she just wanted a simple life. Ben, a simple guy who would give his charm bracelet wearing left arm for a trip back to high school, was clearly smitten and couldn’t believe no one had snatched her up yet.

“I’m picky,” she explained.

That and she wants a guy just like her dad.

Lauren 100% believes she can fall in love with Ben and said she’ll remember this date for the rest of her life. If you have a TV with a DVR then yep, you will!

Meanwhile, back at the house there’s some blubbering.

“There are other women here!” Thanks, Caila, another freakin’ genius.

“Ben likes goody-goody soccer moms and that’s so not me!” Jubilee, badass war veteran who can break your face just by flexing, noticed. She is not wrong on either account.

A bunch of girls realized “it’s hard to have an open heart when you can see it getting broken” which is why most people don’t have their bumbling quest for love immortalized for all of eternity to mock, judge, and re-cap three days late on the internet (which unlike whatever union this show ends with is forever.) Through her tears, Caila, determined that it would be worth it.

The group date card arrived revealing Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Lace, Emily, and some chick named Rachel I swear I’ve never seen before. “Love is the Goal” the card read which sends the room into madness and speculation and a cloud of hairspray.

They arrived at the L.A. Coliseum and are met by two women from the U.S. Nationals team, Chris Harrison in soccer garb, and Ben in a blue workout shirt that makes the girls dizzy with lust. Ben said he’s looking at how they “interact with a team” which in theory meant none of them will get a rose.

The girls claimed to have never played soccer before which everyone finds totally shocking until we actually saw them play. Picture kittens, high on ether, trying to chase a laser pointer, while scotch taped to one another. The kittens would fall down less.

Olivia, no surprise, said it’s all about winning (duh.)  And Ben was the prize (no shit?) Oh and she’s competitive. (You don’t say?)

Lauren H. said it’s “NOT JUST A GAME!” which is a bit surprising coming from a kindergarten teacher where pretty much everything he does is in fact a game. (I said, COME OVER, RED ROVER! You think this just a game?!)

Girls broke up into two teams, stars and stripes. Losers will go home, winners will get to carry on with Ben and a platter of Hors d’oeuvres that will remain untouched. Olivia and Lace were on the same team so I’m totally rooting for them to win.

A newborn had better dexterity than these jokers but I will say Twin 1, Emily, was a pretty good goalie which is weird for a girl who probably never blocked a ball coming at her in her life. (Yeah, I said it. No, I don’t have anything to back that up, but I said it.)

Rachel wants to show Ben what a trooper she is so she gets injured, rolls around on the grass for a while, and then rejoined the game. Jami needed some one-on-one time real bad, which was evident by the way she bulldozed the other girls and came out looking like the “before” on a Tide commercial. Her team won so it was not all in vain.

The losers walked home, except Rachel who was carried by Shushanna.

“DOOR!” she yelled, walking up the cobblestone path.

The Stars have a good cry and drink their supper.

The winners’ date continued on a rooftop where they toasted to their successful rout over the Stars. As Ben was stating how important it was to talk to each of them, Olivia interrupted and asked to “Steal him away.” Look bitches, Olivia didn’t blow a downpayment on a house on a wardrobe full of sequins just to sit on a couch sipping her water. (Water!?) 

It took all of two and a half seconds for the gossip and behind-the-back talking to begin.

“She’s so aggressive!” (From Lace, so, umm, there you go.)

“She’s got fake books!”

“Her breath is horrible!”

“She’s got fat toes!”

Wait, what?

“I noticed that too!” the other girls squealed. “EW!”

Jami was torn. While she also noticed Olivia’s husky toes, she clearly felt bad saying so. The best thing to do would be let Olivia know h

Alone with Ben, Olivia took the opportunity to tell him how much she missed him. Like misses him all the time. She then went on to ponder why all the other girls find her so intimating.

“I don’t think I am,” she said in her defense.

Well, then you’re not, Olivia! Fair enough! And for the record, I don’t think you are either. You are more annoying than wet sleeves, but definitely not intimidating. 

When Olivia returned Jami pulled her aside to let her know her physical flaws were being picked apart like a hot loaf of monkey bread.

“They were making fun of my cankles, weren’t they?” Olivia asked.

“Umm, no,” said Jami.

“My calves?”

“Nope.”

“Tell me what they said,” Olivia cajoled, truly perplexed.

“They were making fun of your toes…”

“My toes…interesting.”

Later, in her confessional, Olivia admitted that she does in fact have fat toes. And cankles. And yeah, she’s aggressive. So sue her.

“Perfection is lame.”

Lace was melancholy. She admitted to the camera that she “puts up a wall” when she feels uncomfortable. And by “puts up a wall” she meant “drink until she bitches out and starts referring to herself in the third person.”

Amber was hoping two times will be the charm because if you keep appearing on The Bachelor and keep getting rejected… well, that would just be plain embarrassing. After some awkward, hands-free kissing, Ben gave her the immunity rose. This made Olivia sad but she understood. Ben couldn’t give her a rose every time. She’s reassured of his true feelings because they no longer need words to communicate. When he stood up, he “pushed off on her leg.”

“That was a sign!” she explained! Because you know, he does things like that for her and no one else.

One more one-on-one date was up for grabs and to everyone’s surprise it went to Jubilee. How did she respond? I’m not sure as there was nothing but a long BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP and a bunch of girls mean-mugging.

Date card read: Love is in the air.

Even though we’re only on week 3, the girls are wasting no time getting pissed off and letting their green show. Jojo looked like she might shove Jubilee in a compost bin. I’d like to remind her this woman survived Boot Camp.

Jubilee is stone cold surprised she got this one-on-one because she was convinced Ben liked the princess type. She worried about coming across as socially awkward as is apparently the norm when she is with someone she cared about. The other girls noticed her awkwardness and moved on from Olivia’s chunky toes to speculating about how nervous Ben must make Jubilee.

Ben arrived to pick her up twenty-minutes late. She called him out, clearly joking, and played it off like she wasn’t excited. The other girls pounce on her apathy like an Olivia kitten on Ben’s cat-nip covered mouth.

“That is, like, so disrespectful,” they scolded.

Ben exchanged his convertible for a helicopter which landed in the driveway. All the girls rushed out to greet it looking like the Munchkins when they first laid eyes on Dorothy.

Jubilee, untrue to her name, was not pleased to see her transport. She admitted to being afraid of heights.

“Anyone else want to go on this date?” she asked, again, clearly joking.

The girls were totally offended on Ben’s behalf. How rude! Caila doesn’t think she appreciated the date and would gladly take over. The speculated about the last time Jubilee must have gone on a date and felt awful for Ben having to sit in that “little box in the sky until it was over.”

Jubilee got over her fear of heights when she spied a mini castle in the distance. They landed at Cal-a-Vie health spa otherwise known as the most beautiful freakin’ place in the world. I would go on a date with Olivia’s big, fat toe to this place.

They kicked things off with some delicacies such as caviar. Olivia took a big bite and immediately said, “Nope. Oh hell no” and spit it back up in a napkin. She said she was adventurous, but not with food. Or heights. Or new social situations. But hot dogs– yes. The girl loves her hot dogs.

After that disclosure, Jubilee promised to “throw all her different sides at Ben,” and hoped he could handle it.

Ben was intrigued. Jubilee made him blush. She called him a white boy. She told him he needed to loosen up. When he laughed, she was convinced he might be the first person who “got her.” 

Jubilee’s had some bad shit go down in her past. She, like Ben, also feared she’s unlovable but unlike Ben who grew up with a nice, loving family, Jubilee’s entire family is dead.

Ben admitted he likes the person she is and can see himself falling in love her. Cut to a close up of her uneaten steak, which I’m sure is symbolism but I’m not sure for what.

When the girls woke up in the morning, they were shocked– shocked I tell you– to find Jubilee asleep in her bed.

The Rose Ceremony was chockful of tension and that was before Ben announced two people he really cared about just died in a plane crash. Yikes. As the girls responded with the appropriate level of sadness and thoughts on how they could best use this news to their advantage, Olivia jumped up and asked permission to grab him away. “I’ll lead the way!”

Expecting comfort, or at a minimum, “Gee, I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Do you want to talk about it?” Olivia immediately launched in with how much she hated her cankles.

“Sorry,” she said. “I try to be strong, but I just hate my body from the waist down.”

The struggle is real, people.

The other girls looked sad and proved it by talking about how they want to comfort Ben. Whenever Jubilee is within eight inches, the gaggle scattered, all of them fleeing for their lipglosses.

F it, Jubilee thought. She pulls Ben aside to a nice tented, candle-filled corner and gave him a massage. Ben was all about this action and was all like, “Finally! Jeez!”

But this didn’t sit right with the other girls. Everyone knows the code. If you have a rose, you sit the heck down and let a rose-less girl spend time with The Bachelor. The sight of Jubilee rubbing on Ben made them lose their shit. Like the kind of lost shit that made one audition for a reality TV show to find true love. Becca the Virgin was horrified.

“She’s rubbing his body!”

Umm, yeah, Becca, dear, that’s called massage.

Jami took the girls’ bait and went to break it up. Ben was delighted to see her so he could blather on about how awesome Jubilee’s massage was.

“It was incredible,” he said. “It’s my most favorite thing ever.”

Amber decided Jubilee needed to “talk to the other girls” about what she had done.

“Oh hell, no,” Jubilee said. “I’m not going to girl chat!”

But the Salem Witches would not let it go. They were determined to round up Jubilee and make her pay for her rubby-rubby sins. Eventually she caved (again, she survived Boot Camp but can’t handle these bitches?) and Ben found her rocking back and forth, sobbing on the edge of the bath tub.

While he was off comforting Jubilee, Lace talked herself into the fact that she wouldn’t be getting a rose because she hadn’t had any face time with Ben. Yeah, Lace, that’s why. 

“It’s all such a joke,” she said, not laughing. Not laughing at all.

But Amber wouldn’t let it go and joined Ben and Jubilee on the edge of the bathtub. She was very pissed off and firmly believed Jubilee must know how TELLING A JOKE hurt the other girls .

Ben asked to share his thoughts which took the girls by surprise. They looked at him like, You still here? You have thoughts?

He said he liked that Jubilee doesn’t walk on eggshells and told her not to doubt their great date yesterday.

Ben thinks emotions are getting to them and declared, “The drama is over!”

Oh, Ben…

Just as he was about to sit down, Lace came over and asked for a word.

Yes! I knew she wouldn’t let me down!

Caila looked on and concluded Lace appeared to have reached the end of her “dynamite stick.”

Oh, shove it Caila. At least she has a dynamite stick.

Lace once again was mad at herself and the way she acted since arriving at Bachelor Headquarters. She said she needed to do a lot of work to do on herself and thought it would be easier to do that at home. She doesn’t truly love herself and realized she can’t love anyone else until she does.

She’s leaving?! Maybe Ben was right. No more drama.

Ben couldn’t hide how excited he was to be rid of her. He was like, “Thanks for coming! Can I call you a limo?”

Ah, crap. I kind of feel bad for her. Maybe I’m getting too old for this.

In the end, the roses went to:

Lauren H.

Amanda

Becca

Haley

Emily

Rachel

Caila

Jojo

Jennifer

Leah

Olivia

Shushanna for some reason was shocked she didn’t a rose. I was shocked she actually spoke English.

Jami had no idea what happened. She was blindsided.

“That’s why I’m always single!” she said.  “I don’t know what to do when it comes to liking a boy.”

Oh that’s your problem, Jami! You’re seven years old!

Jami didn’t leave without imparting some great advice: “Don’t ever expect anything from humans.”

Okay, Jami. Buh bye, now. Say hi to your cat for us.

For the first time Olivia didn’t go into a Rose Ceremony with immunity and she didn’t like it. But that little, secret squeeze Ben gave her waist was the reassurance she needed. You see, they are really compatible. The fake scientist from the last episode proved it. They have an unspoken connection. This is why they no longer need words and roses to communicate. You wouldn’t understand.

“Tonight was awkward,” she said. “But I’m going to marry Ben Higgins.”

And if that weren’t crazy enough she tossed in the ol’, “I know when I’m with him I’m with my future husband.”

Because of course.

All I have to say is, Olivia, now that Lace is gone, you better bring it. And by “it” I mean mints because about that breath…

Don’t forget to read Mother Rose Best at In the Powder Room every Tuesday morning!

 

You Know You’ve Made It

When you get your billboard.

Mother Rose Best graphic

I mean, how cool is that? Really cool, right?

We are on Week 3 of Mother Rose Best at In the Powder Room. There’s plenty of time to catch up! How can you resist reading articles that get tagged with things like “Cankles,” “Feet,” “Halitosis,” and “Penis?” That is some fine journalism right there and I could not be more proud.

I’ll be posting up a more in-depth recap of ep. 3 as soon as I’m done papering my neighborhood with this billboard. It’s for the kids!

Smooches!