Yeah, yeah, my recaps are spotty if even, but this season is really hard to watch and not for the reasons you have come to expect. It’s hard to watch this bachelorette because she is clearly too young to know what she wants, too immature to stand up for herself, and too insecure to not constantly be gaslit, manipulated, and borderline emotionally abused by a man who’s clearly a psychopath.
Oh, Luke P. is good TV. But he’s also really f’ing scary because he’s not an actor. He’s a real guy who somehow passed the show’s psych exam and who will return to his webby lair of misogyny and toxic masculinity and keep existing in our world. He will gaslight and manipulate and abuse other women. Know how I know this? Because he’s also incredibly stupid. Stupid people just are. They can’t turn it off and on. And they seldom change.
But still I watch and groan and rewind and rewatch in attempt to capture all the dialogue– the real dialogue because it’s funnier than anything I could write– and scour Twitter to find solidarity with the rest of the world who are also watching agog at the shitshow playing out before us. Yes, of course it’s always a shitshow! But this is next level shitshowing.
Shall we?
After several weeks of meltdowns, Hannah was fresh-faced and full of vigor ready to start anew in Latvia. (Latvia???) The boys had been really pissing her off with all that finger-pointing and yelling at Luke P. Why are they asking HIM questions and not her! Not one person ever asked WHAT MAKES HANNAH HANNAH. She almost forgot why her photo was cropping up in the lower left corner of Us Weekly covers. It’s to find a controlling man child that makes her feel like a woman, y’all!
And Luke Goddamn Mothereffing Shitstain P. immediately started in on how frustrating that last rose ceremony was. The other guys were like, “Dude! You’re frustrated!? She canceled the cocktail party because you made her cry again! Also we hate your goddamn face! That’s how we always feel when we’re around you!”
Date card arrived and it’s Garret who gets the one-on-one.
Can I trust our love?
In case you wondered about Luke P.’s triggers, here’s one: one-on-one dates that don’t involve him. He is LEGITIMATELY JEALOUS. For the first time. He knows for a fact no guy feels about Hannah the way he does. FOR A FACT, bitches!
Hannah met Garret in the woods. They were freezing. It looked unpleasant. Then they saw a cable car dangling over a lake which was pretty damn scary all on its own, but then two naked humans bound to each other gummy worms left in a hot car fell out of it.
What in the actual f*%k?
Oh! It’s naked bungee jumping! The Latvian tradition that combines my two biggest fears literally strapped into one.
The naked duo introduced themselves to Garret and Hannah.
“Hey ! I’m Gunt! (YES, GUNT!) This is (forgot her name, sorry). Try naked bungee jumping! You’ll have fun!
Okay!
Garret and Hannah stripped down to everything but Hannah’s bra which she kept on until the last possible second. For whatever reason she left her very heavy, very dangling earrings on.
I’m not going to lie. This looked scary as f*ck. But they did it. And Hannah now thought Garret was very strong and that’s what she wanted in a man. They made out in front of a small dumpster fire to celebrate.
At dinner, Garret confessed his fear of heights and what a giant hurdle that was for him. He asked Hannah her very first question: What hurdles have you had to overcome?
Hannah: Umm…just living my life.
The near death, fully naked escapades of today’s activities really got Garret’s truth fountain overflowing. He told a sad tale about how everyone in his family loved football but he really liked golf. Talk about a hurdle!
Back at hotel, the guys discovered who would go on the next group date:
Mike, Jed, Tyler, Dustin, Luke, Connor, Dylan
Let’s discover Riga.
The follwoing morning, Garret told the group about naked bungee jumping. Mike wanted to know what bungee jumping was like. Luke wanted to know why in all that’s holy would this turd-nugget think it was okay to take his goddamn wife naked bungee jumping????? HE DID NOT GIVE HER PERMISSION TO DO THIS! In fact, he didn’t believe it.
Naked bungee jumping? With Garret? No way. Luke knew Hannah better than Hannah knew herself. It’s only a truth if Luke P. believes it.
Let’s watch Luke P. process this.
Hannah was super excited to explore Latvia and have a normal date with her seven suitors. They explored a market, walked down a cobblestone street yelling things like, “Latvia!” and “Riga!”, watched Hannah consume a giant pickle, and took turns making out with her in front of each other. Pretty normal date stuff.
Luke P., as we know, is a gracious dude. He was just excited to see Hannah let loose and be herself. The real her– not the fake her that would ALLEGEDLY naked bungee jump while mashed up against the sullied loins of another man. Did God speak to Garret in a shower? HA! I think not!
Hannah knows how to read a room. While crammed together on public transportation, with lips and noses and hands and butts mere centimeters apart, she knew that was the perfect time to talk about naked bungee jumping.
Luke P. was truly and absolutely shocked. He was like “OMG F*CK! That really happened??!!!! My wife is no different than those tainted trollops I was banging in high school!!!!”
Hannah explained how the naked part was a tradition for couples.
Luke P.: Like official couples?
Hannah: No.
Luke P.: But like when you’re officially a couple, you mean?”
You guys, give him a break. He had a reason to be upset. Hannah’s body “was her temple and to expose it to anyone who is NOT HER HUSBAND (READ: LUKE P.) was a slap in his face!” Luke needs answers! Luke will get them!
The night portion of the date kicked off with a below the knee shot of the guys walking so we could appreciate their super tight Capri pants and sock-less footwear. Tyler sported a particularly small, bright white pair but that’s okay because Tyler is everyone’s favorite now.
Luke P. finally got his chance to tell Hannah how he felt about her naked date.
Luke P.: Have you ever been cheated on?
Hannah: Of course!
Luke: Well, I HAD THAT FEELING THIS MORNING!
Hannah: Why?
Luke: This information is hard to receive! How could you hold your temple against Garett???
Hannah: I wanted the experience. Just because our baby making parts were skin on skin doesn’t mean it was sexual.
Luke P.: Yeah, well it was still really offensive and pissed me off and now I’m not sure I can introduce you to my family, but okay I’ll support you even if you do some boneheaded mistakes. Don’t worry. We’ll get through anything. That’s me being REAL! Hope you like it!
Date rose went to Tyler because he risked a yeast infection so America could see him in those pants.
Luke again was incredulous. Why bother being real if you can’t get a rose out of it?
Then we had Hannah’s date with Peter. They went to a traditional Latvian spa to perform a bonding spiritual ritual which translates to, “have sex in a sauna.”
Hannah likes her men dirty and sweaty, which she kindly reminded us of. A lot. She also really likes straddling her men which she also visually reminded us of. Peter made her feel like a woman. Apparently the only women Hannah knows are horny,
Peter told everyone about his hot, sweaty date and that made Jed sad. Jed missed Hannah so he grabbed his guitar and his shearling jean jacket and busked in the streets until she woke up.
Hannah woke up. Like really woke up. She invited him upstairs where he played more dumb music and told her he was really falling for her. She straddled him, ripped off her robe, and got down.
And then the conversations just went sideways with the other guys and Luke P. I can’t make this shit up nor could I type fast enough to keep up with it. Here’s the highlights:
“Listen, she’s your girlfriend but she’s also mine.”
“Stay in your lane!”
“You stay in your lane!”
“Don’t ruin another rose ceremony or I’ll be seriously pissed!”
“STAY IN YOUR LANE!”
“Lower your voices. Hannah could be outside the door. Also STAY IN YOUR LANE!”
“I was in my lane but then I looked out the window and saw you and Hannah in your lane and didn’t like what I saw so now I’m in her lane!”
“Oooh, shouldn’t look away while driving. That’s how you crash.”
“Hannah needs us to stay in our lanes so that’s what I’m going to do.”
“Yeah, don’t text and drive!”
“I need sleep so please excuse yourself!”
The real highlight though was Tyler who apparently read a few feminist manifestos before coming on the show and expertly and calmly called Luke out on a myriad of bullshit.
The next day Hannah ambushed the guys and squirreled Luke P. away. Luke was all, “Yes! I must be getting a rose.” The other guys were like “Oh that doesn’t look good.”
She respected Luke for having a REAL conversation with her, but unfortunately it didn’t sit well with her. She summoned every female empowering t-shirt she every saw on Pinterest and started rattling off slogans.
“You don’t own me.”
“My body, my choice!”
“STAY IN YOUR LANE!”
Luke P.: I won’t control you, but let me tell you what I will do.
Hannah: Why do I have to always scream in your face to make you understand?
Luke P.: I never said any of that. I’m sorry you misunderstood and twisted my words.
Hannah: I’m just so confused.
Luke P.: I’m just so excited that the train is finally back on track!
Hannah: Oh my god, no it’s not!
Luke P.: It’s close to the tracks! Still exciting!
Hannah: No it’s not!
Luke P.: If you feel that way, I’m sorry I was misunderstood. It’s confusing. From now on I’m going to speak clear! And if you can’t handle it, I’ll keep fighting harder. YOU WILL NEVER BE RID OF ME, HANNAH!
Hannah: Why is it so hard with us?
Upon rejoining the group, Luke proclaimed he knew they were going to ask so he would just tell them– he ain’t telling them nothing except to stay in their lanes!
Luke P.: Stay in your lane! You! And you! And you too! Mike, you keep being you, but the rest of you– STAY IN YOUR LANES!
Then Chris walked in and we knew it was bad news. Hannah was emotional again and canceled another cocktail party. What is ABC going to do with all that leftover booze?
Luke immediately got defensive and shouted this was not his fault!
The men donned a fresh pair of capris and took their places for the rose ceremony.
Roses went to :
Jed
Mike
Connor
Suspense!!!
Wait for it!!!
Who could it be???
You will never guess!!!!!
Luke
Oh, for f*ck’s sake, Hannah.
As she pinned the world’s saddest rose to his collar, Hannah whispered to Luke, “There is goodness inside of you. And I see that.”
With what do you see, Hannah???? You got a Hubble telescope under all those fake eyelashes?
Guys are shocked. We are all shocked. The villain never sticks around this long. Even Chris Harrison is confused.
Chris: What the actual f*ck, Hannah?
Hannah: I’m either falling in love with Luke or he’s making me crazy.
Neither are good options, Hannah.
Sigh. Until next week.
