The Bachelor, Week 8: Home is Where the Ho Is

The girls were still reeling from the unceremonial dumping of Kirstina. How can Nick dump so many women without a ceremony? (ABC must be saving a ton on roses this season.) The girls are like SO DONE with surprises! I mean, what in the actual hell was going on here? It’s not like ABC was trying to get ratings or something. PV was so freakin’ unstable she had to drink her chardonnay out of a coffee mug.

And then there was a knock on door!

Gasp!

And it was Nick!

Fin-a-effing-ly!

He admitted it was tough to get rid of Kristina because he really “loved” and “respected” her and everyone knew he couldn’t possibly marry a girl like that.

“But you ho’s on the other hand,” he said as he doled out roses. “Hubba hubba!”

Hooray! All four girls were getting hometown dates!

“I am so excited to meet Raquel!” Nick squealed. 

First stop was Hoxie, Arkansas to meet Raven’s coven. She was super excited to show Nick a new side of her: fun and sexy! She demonstrated both (I guess?) by inviting Nick to partake in Hoxie’s favorite activities–mudding, frog farming, and breaking into grain bins.

Mudding is exactly what it sounds like. You climb aboard an ATV and barrel through gigantic, mud-soaked fields and get really muddy.

You can't get away from me, sweet Nick. Seriously. I'm right behind you, dummy.
You can’t get away from me, sweet Nick. Seriously. I’m right behind you, dummy.

They rolled up to a grain bin where “the people of Hoxie leave their secrets.” They got almost the top when wouldn’t you know it? The police showed up.

“What you doing here? You know who owns this here grain bin? You got any ID? You ain’t from around here, are you, sonny boy?”

Nick appeared perplexed and afraid while looking for a producer to, you know, explain things and I was wondering why the cop wasn’t telling the cameras to stop rolling, but whatever. I don’t get arrested much so what do I know? Just as Nick was about to submit to a cavity search, SURPRISE! It was just Raven’s brother! Oh man! You totally got us, Raven’s brother!

“Don’t be kissing on the grain bin!” He warned. “I’ll be watching!”

You will be? EWWWWWW, Raven’s brother! 

After the police fake out, they resumed mudding activities and got good and soaked. Raven stripped Nick down so they could enjoy a nice lil’ biblical wrestle in the mud. Wearing a white t-shirt today was totally a good choice, Raven. Where was that creepy brother now?

Here, let me get you out of those wet, muddy clothes. It's what Jesus would want.
Here, Jesus wouldn’t want you in those wet, muddy clothes…

Nick felt like this was a huge step forward in their relationship. Or wait, maybe he meant this:

Holy muddy make-out! Just the way Jesus would want it.
Holy muddy make-out! Just the way Jesus would want it.

They’d have some serious cleaning up to do before meeting her parents, but first a bit more dirty.

Imma gonna hold you right down here in this here Hoxie mud until you agree to marry me. Think of it less like assault and more like a baptism.
Come on, Nick. Think of it less like assault and more like a baptism.

 As they approached Raven’s parent’s front door, she casually mentioned her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer.

“Oh, umm,” Nick stammered. “I brought flowers.”

Don’t worry, it was only sad for a minute because Raven’s mom announced Dad was just declared cancer free. An actual touching moment ensued.

But so did this weird, fake romance.

Nick was only the second guy Raven had ever brought home, so it was a big deal, y’all!

“Is it weird to think you could be walking me down the aisle to marry that guy in there?” Raven asked her dad.

“Oh girl, so f’ing weird.”

Then Raven had a really sweet chat with her mom.

Raven: I thought he was going to be really arrogant, you know? Like a total toolbag.

Raven’s Mom: That’s what I thought too! I hate his face.

Raven: But then I saw him be really nice to his little sister and I was like, “Oh. He’s cool!”

Raven’s Mom: I trust your judgement!

Nick also had a heart-to-heart with Raven’s dad.

Nick: So how would you feel if your daughter wanted to marry me?

Raven’s Dad: Pretty shitty!

Nick: I care about her a lot. She’s definitely in my top four.

Raven’s Dad: Well, I admit, I wasn’t expecting to like you. I mean, you’re kind of a loser. But I guess I’d rather her marry you than the cheating bastard she beat up with her shoe.

Raven left her family feeling reassured and hopeful and decided the time was right to tell Nick she’d totally say yes if he wanted to propose to her.

“I have no reservations,” she said. And then promptly beat herself up for not saying, “I love you.” I mean, Nick’s not that smart. What if he didn’t get what she meant? Great. Now she’d probably be the only girl left who hadn’t said it! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Next it was off to Dallas to meet Rachel’s family. After a huggy, kissy reunion on a sidewalk, Rachel whisked Nick off to a gospel church filled with black people because she wanted Nick to be “super comfortable.”

Yep. Super confortable.
Yep. Super confortable.

Even though this church was different from his church back home (wait. what?) he had an amazing time. So amazing that Nick was ready to spend every Sunday being the only white guy in Rachel’s church.

Unfortunately Rachel’s dad wasn’t home due to “work obligations” (READ: Deep seated humiliation and disgust) but Nick did get to meet her mom, aunt, sisters and WHITE-ASS brother-in-law!

“You don’t need to have black skin,” Rachel said. “But you need to have thick skin.”

Her sister and white brother-in-law grilled Rachel and Nick first.

“Is Rachel the first black girl you’ve ever dated?” White brother-in-law asked.

“Well, define ‘dated.’ I mean, I sleep with black girls all the time. Or at least I did twice.”

Rachel’s mom was also curious about Nick’s history with black women. She also shared advice she imparted on her daughters.

“Always look for red flags in relationships,” she said. “So Nick, what are Rachel’s red flags?”

“Uh, uh, uh…other than wanting to marry me? I mean, that’s a pretty huge red flag, don’t you think?”

Finally Nick jetted off to Miami to meet the weird ass mutants that spawned such a debaucherous egomaniac who can’t keep her clothes on. Nick was super excited to be in Miami. He had no clue what PV had in store for him, but knowing her he figured it probably would involve nudity and pubic lice.

Because she really wanted Nick to get to know “her true essence”, and because she’s a superficial, conceited twitwit, the date she planned was a tour of all the places she felt most at home–a very upscale shopping mall where it’s common to put on fancy clothes and dry hump in front of the mannequins.

 

 

$1,700 earmuffs just get me so damn hot!
“Oh, Nick, $1,700 earmuffs just get me so damn hot!” “Oh, PV, you’re hot because you’re wearing earmuffs in Miami!” 

Nick was blown away by the fact every single sales associate knew her intimately and the $1,400 sweatsuit she made him try on. She wanted Nick to look good when meeting her parents so she bought him an outfit costing more than an entire year of spray tans for the Miami University cheerleading team.

You guys, the outfit cost $3,423!!!

You guys, she paid for it!

You guys, he let her!

Once she had Nick outfitted properly, she made a tiny confession: She loved him! Oh puke. They consummated her egregious and highly inappropriate declaration with a sloppy makeout session outside a fake Parisian mall bistro.

Wow. PV has some serious sun damage.

But anyway…

PV’s parents looked like nice, cuddly, friendly adults who other than Nick’s mom and dad were the only parents who had any concern over Nick’s inability to meet a woman outside of televised game shows.

And yes, Nick finally got to meet RAQUEL!

You can save me! You can get me out of here! Get me to Chris Harrison!
Marry her! Just please get her the eff’ing hell away from me!

PV: The other girls made fun of me because I have a nanny.

PV’s Mom: How they hell did they find out you had a nanny?

PV: I told them.

PV’s Dad: You dumbass!

PV’s Mom: I hope you also told them Raquel is a valued and loved part of our family and has been for seventeen years. RAQUEL! I’m hungry! Serve faster, please. And be a dear and put some of these olives on my fork for me. You know I hate round food. See? FAMILY!

PV’s Dad sat her down and asked some “serious questions.”

PV’s Dad: What the eff is going on here?

PV: I love him!

PV’s Dad: For the love of god don’t tell him that!

PV: I already did!

PV’s Dad: It’s been like six days! What the hell is wrong with you!?

PV: I love him! He’d be my soulmate if I had a soul.

Dad: What’s his job?

PV: Who the hell cares? There’s no time to work when you’re always on reality TV shows.

Dad: Are you okay being the breadwinner? And have him stay home with your kids?

PV: Sure, Dad. Stop asking me questions like none of this is normal!

Later, PV’s dad and Nick enjoyed some fine scotch and another line of questioning.

PV’s Dad: You may have noticed my daughter is a superficial, materialistic little troll. I may have had something to do with that. But now she’s gonna be your problem! You ready for that?

Nick: Sure! I mean, as long as she stays super slutty and never develops any of those annoying traits like modesty or decency.

PV’s Dad: Oh sure, no chance of that happening. But you kind of need…you know…a job. What’s next for you?

Nick: I’ve got lots of irons in the fire. And by irons and fire I’m talking about my penis and the the other girls amirite!?

PV’s Dad: Cheers to that! But what’s gonna be your J.O.B., dumbass!?

Nick: There are lots of things I can do like Celebrity Rehab, Marriage Boot Camp, maybe Celebrity Boxing.

Last trip was off to Montreal to meet Vanessa’s family and her adorable students who clearly loved her. They were holding signs and handing her roses and bawling because they missed her so much. Nick was like, “BOOOORING! Do you like my new sweater? It cost more than Vanessa’s six-month earnings!”

The crew spent the afternoon creating scrapbook pages of Nick and Vanessa’s most favorite memories. Oh look! There’s Vanessa puking into Nick’s mouth! And there she is crying and doubting her value as a human being in front of a roaring fire.

Next stop was to meet Vanessa’s mother’s side of the family at Nonna’s house where 15 people sat around the most gigantic table ever set. Food was piled high, but no one cared because they all had deep, probing questions for the happy couple like:

Where will you live if he picks you?

“Oh, you know,” Vanessa answered. “I’m sure we’ll live somewhere. I don’t really want to pressure him.”

Hmm. Vanessa’s aunt started to get a sense that perhaps Nick and Vanessa don’t really…you know… talk.

Vanessa’s mom had a different line of questioning for Nick.

Mom: What do you like about my daughter?

Nick: Oh, I liked her as soon as she got out of the limo. I mean, va va va voom, riiiiiiight?

Mom: Well, you’re as gross as I thought you would be.

Vanessa’s sister was having none of it.

“Have you talked about real things?” she grilled Nick. “Like how you both live in different countries? Like where you want to live? Like what your job will be if you have to move? Like why you want to marry her?”

“Ew, sister!” Nick answered. “That kind of boring shit is what married people talk about!”

Not completely satisfied with that answer, Vanessa’s sister promised that if Nick hurt her sister, she would hate him forever. That made Nick cry.

I had no idea Canada was such a sad, sad place where everyone is so level-headed and logical. I hate it here.
I had no idea Canada was such a sad, sad place where everyone is so level-headed and logical. I hate it here.

Meanwhile Vanessa was chatting with her much younger and savier brother.

“What will you do for work? Where will you live? What the hell does he do for a living? Why do you want to marry this guy?

“Ugh! Enough with the logical questions! Who cares where people live! We’ll talk about living situations when the time is right, okay?”

All those questions really put a damper on things and they hadn’t even visited her dad yet! That visit went something like this:

Vanessa’s Dad: Why is my daughter more special than all those other bimbos?

Nick: She’s hot! And she makes me feel safe. And umm.. I like her brown hair.

Vanessa’s Dad: But do you respect her?

Nick: Come again?

Vanessa’s Dad: Will you treat her like a lady, you stupid flytrap?

Nick: Ooooh, you know it! So can I have your blessing?

Dad: Are you f’ing crazy? What did her mom say?

Nick: I didn’t ask because I did not care for her particular line of questioning.

Dad: So you want to get engaged to my daughter? Is that what you’re telling me?

Nick: Well no, because I’m still dating three other girls.

Dad: So what the hell does it mean to want my blessing?

Nick: Umm that you…don’t totally hate me?

Dad: Right. Okay, I guess!

Vanessa’s Dad told her Nick asked for his blessing, which at once made Vanessa all hopeful and then concerned. Was he asking all the other parents the same thing? Does he actually like those other girls???

The group returned to Brooklyn for the rose ceremony, because why not? All of the girls with the exception of PV were feeling insecure and having doubts about saying (or not saying) I love you. Just as Nick was deep in a faux thoughtfulness on a balcony overlooking Manhattan, there was a knock on the door. It was ANDI!  You know, the first of three women to dump him on national television. WHY WAS SHE THERE? To pay tribute to the GIANT BULLET SHE DODGED or just to make fun of him? I guess we’ll have to wait to find out. What’s with all these cliffhangers, ABC?! It’s not like this is the most boring season ever and you have to manufacture the drama. Oh…right. 

 

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