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I have to give you my thoughts on the latest season of The Bachelorette because that’s what I do! I’m 6 days late and I took no notes, but I watched it, processed it, rolled my eyes at it, now I’m ready to dish.

First, our Bachelorette, is Katie, a former bank marketing manager from Renton, WA. Gotta say, even though I should have some PNW allegiance, I’m not really a fan.

Am I awkward girl-next-door? Or am I Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction? Image courtesy of etonline.

She hails from Matt James’s season where she showed up with a vibrator that she used to tap another girl on the shoulder. Honestly it read as nothing more than a ploy meant to make a memorable, (attempted) humorous entrance and ended up with the producers selling us this, “sex positive, confident, girl next door! How cool is this?” bill of goods. Look over here at the light up dildo and away from the thinly veiled racism and regressive relationship tropes! Eh, I’m not buying it. Sure, Katie might like to get down with her vibrator and to that I say, good on you, girl! But is that really all we should know about her?

Despite what the producers and editors might have wanted us to think, on Matt’s season Katie came off as a nosy, goodie-two-shoes who butted into everyone’s drama for the sole purpose of coming across as a “the altruistic, anti-bullying” girl. Her persona felt fake and contrived, like she was mentally crafting all the Tweets and recaps singing her praises for defending sad, picked on girls and ratting out the mean girls. She either wanted to leave her TV experience as The Bachelorette or a bastion of female empowerment. I did not need either– definitely not from this show.

But you know I’m still going to watch the shit out of this season.

What I did like:

  • Kaitlyn and Tayshia. Chris Harrison OUT, fake girlfriends IN. YES PLEASE. Even though they probably didn’t know each other before this and maybe don’t even like each other, I am here for contrived female friendships! I love the idea of wingwomen. And Tayshia and Kaitlyn are among the best of the former Bachelorettes so I’m counting on them to be entertaining and have good hair. Letting Katie crack open a bottle of Chardonnay and dish to her peers is way less creepy than trying to confide in a middle-aged, conservative, glassy-eyed dude who communicates only in show-scripted platitudes.
  • Katie’s ambivalence about motherhood: When asked by a single dad contestant if she wanted kids, Katie was like, “I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. Kind of depends on who I end up.” Umm, that is not only completely refreshing to hear on this show, it’s totally the right answer! Katie definitely scored a few bonus points from that answer.
  • The brief shots of Seattle in the opening segment.

What I did not like:

  • All the sex positivity talk. I’m not a prude but, WE GET IT. You want us to think Katie is progressive and candid and DTF because she brought her vibrator to meet Matt James. For the love of all things lubed, please tell me something– anything– else about this girl!
  • Tired, half-ass sexual innuendos. One guy brought a blow-up doll. One talked about stroking stroking STROKING it… with his paintbrush. Many complimented Katie on her confidence and enlightened persona (READ: cool with masturbation and won’t necessarily wait for the fantasy suites if she’s feeling it.) Snooze. BORING. I mean, come on guys. YOU KNOW everyone else is going to play into that shit. And we know you’re all down with that stuff too. Blow her mind and say her eyes remind you of chocolate chip pancakes or you think bright, vibrant signage with a readable font is a great way to convey low mortgage interest rates. On second thought, maybe stick to the dick jokes.
  • Missed half-ass sexual innuendo opportunities. A guy showed up in a box, another brought a ball pit in the back of a pick-up truck, and another arrived in a goddamn cat costume! Not one of those yahoos made a penis or vagina joke. DO BETTER!
  • Skin Salesman. Okay, he’s gone now. You can come out. But seriously, what was with the medical skin salesman????? He sells SKIN!!!!!???? While I’m sure it’s necessary (?) with all due respect do not let skin salesmen through casting. Who wants to hear about this guy’s day over a nice pork chop and green bean side? (Also there’s a guy who sells zippers and honestly I’m even more confused by that.)
  • The Virgin. Can we stop torturing virgins on this show??? We know how it ends. The uber-religious, saving yourself for marriage, giant cross-wearing contestant is NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. The producers brought them here and will do everything in their power to keep them long enough to have several breakdowns and they’re only here to convince the lead to leave enough room for Jesus on this corrupt, deviant show. Why on god’s green Earth would a virgin come on a show where the person you’re trying to court is dating 25 other people and will almost definitely end up in a sex suite with at least 3 of them? YOU DO NOT WANT THIS PERSON, VIRGINS! Beat it! (See how easy sexual innuendos are?)
  • This guys’s Bangs:
Kate Gosselin called…Image courtesy of ABC

Remember when Garth Brooks made up that weird alter ego so he could have a pop career? Am I the only one who remembers and was traumatized by this?

I’m on to you, cowboy.
  • Men’s Fashion. Granted I don’t get out much but what in the holy heck is happening with men’s fashion on this show? We are seeing entirely too much strained-across-the-traps fabric and pastel, printed dress socks. It’s all shrunken jackets and high-waters with these guys. When did any of that become cool?
Salmon-colored socks to match a salmon-colored suit is about the most Pacific Northwest thing since salmon-colored socks worn with sandals. Image courtesy of The Seattle Times
  • Fights without Context. Two bruhs, Cody and Aaron, got in a heated argument literally out of nowhere. There was no lead up, no resolution, no backstory. Just two guys in tight suits fighting. Or rather one guy was yelling, I NEVER LIKED YOU at the other guy and the other guy was like, “Okay, that’s fine, that’s your fault.” Presumably “I never liked you” means they knew each other before? Or “never” is meant to imply “the last 30 minutes?” So weird. Usually this show relishes unprovoked, irrational, puffed-up cockfights. TELL ME WHAT I’M MISSING!

Guess I’ll have to keep watching to find out.

Shelly Mazzanoble

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