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As a wise man once pontificated, “It’s just going to be a bunch of bologna. And who likes Bologna?”

And a bunch of wieners! Amirite, Quartney?

He was of course referring to the 2-episode, “Thomas is a villain arc” and the preposterousness of Katie giving that heathen a rose. But I am referring to this season so far. WHAT A BUNCH OF BOLOGNA!

And what’s that Quartney?

WHO!? Katie, that’s who!

Sadly, my feelings for Katie remain flaccid and incidentally that sentence has more sexual energy than our alleged sex-positive lead. Umm, this girl has ZERO chemistry with any of these guys and these guys can’t even muster up a good ol’, “DAMN, SHE’S SMOKIN'” in their confessionals. It’s like they’re trying to date their little sister’s best friend. I literally have to look away when she starts making out with someone.

If I had to see it, you have to see it. Image courtesy of Yahoo.

Katie, I’m afraid, is a victim of bad branding. The producers really ran with that whole vibrator schtick that was clearly supposed to be a joke, not a personal manifesto. If they went with, “awkward girl next door who loves cats, Dance Dance Revolution, and will mostly get along with your mom,” I’d be more inclined to buy it. And speaking of “buying it” can someone bring Katie more clothes? You know how everyone gets super excited when Kate Middleton recycles a comfy pair of jeans or tiara because look! SHE’S JUST LIKE US! Well, that doesn’t work if you’re the lead on a nationally televised game show. She’s worn that damn white sweater in almost every episode! Is it bad editing? Or can we throw some of the money production saved on traveling to our girl so she can take a visit to the hotel gift shop.

Katie is also suffering from several other Bachelor-centric character flaws. Hasn’t she seen this show? Here’s some examples:

  • BELIEVING ANYONE IS THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS: After 7,394 seasons of this crap, we know how it works! One person wins a fake engagement and gets their face smeared in the upper right hand corner of People magazine, twenty-five people gain 100k+ IG followers and earn some of that sweet, sweet #ad money in exchange for shilling Michelob Ultra and laxative tea, and one person will more than likely become the lead in the next season. THAT IS HOW THIS WORKS! That is why people apply to be on this show! There is a lot of money-making opportunities and all you have to do is show up on night one. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has thought about being the next Bachelor or Bachelorette! Even YOU, Katie! Yes, Thomas was a skeez (pretty hot, but a skeez nonetheless) and had to go, but no one can be surprised by him openly admitting to the occasional daydream about being the one to hand out roses to pretty, spray-tanned ladies who gaze lovingly up at him through caterpillar-lashed eyelids. Paaaa-leeze. Katie’s problem was she knew a big, beefy, men’s-cologne-model-faced dude like Thomas would never be into a girl like her if they weren’t surrounded by cameras. THAT we can relate to!
  • SPEAKING THE LOVE LANGUAGE: Katie, we make fun of people who say things like “being open and vulnerable” and “here for the right reasons” and “I believe my husband is in this room.” Why are you dropping these contrived cliches into all your conversations? It’s almost like you believe them.
  • CRYING. A LOT: I got no beef with crying FOR THE RIGHT REASONS but man, this girl rings the blues at least thirty times an episode. We are barely a month in which in production terms equals what? Six days? Katie is REALLY invested in getting that proposal at the end of this and getting in her own way.
  • LETTING THE BOYS TELL HER WHAT TO DO: Against MY better judgement, this is supposed to be your show, Katie! Stop letting those boys tell you what to do. It’s not Big Brother. The house doesn’t get to evict a player! But if they do get to, Karl was a good choice.
  • MOTHER F’ING BLAAAAAAAKE??? Okay, here’s a hypothetical question. If a boy falls in love with Girl 1 June 1st but she rejects him so he falls in love with Girl 2 on June 8th but she also rejects him so he decides he’s in love with you on June 15th, DO YOU BELIEVE HIM???? Katie! You got mad at Thomas for admitting he thought about being The Bachelor, but you’re cool with a career contestant who has LITERALLY chased after THREE Bachelorettes within the last three months!? KATIE!
Ick. That is all. Image courtesy of ABC.
  • WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS: I’ve heard rumors that the producers are not fans of Katie’s and if they have anything to do with styling, I’m inclined to believe it. She either looks totally uncomfortable in her date clothes or like she’s playing dress up in the drama department’s costume closet. Why would any one wear a sequined houndstooth blazer dress? She looked like an accountant anticipating an impromptu call-back for All That Jazz. I almost miss that damn white sweater.
Debit, credit, ledger, step, ball, change! Image courtesy of
  • KAITLYN AND TAYSHIA: I might have been wrong about those two. Are they really adding anything here? Also twelve kids in my seventh grade class wore Kaitlyn’s same outfit on picture day.
Did ya oversleep? Are you that bored too? Image courtesy of ABC
  • PRETENDING TO BE STRONG AND EMPOWERED: Generally when you have to tell people repeatedly how STRONG and CONFIDENT you are, you’re anything but. Show don’t tell, Katie! Also see: LETTING THE BOYS TELL HER WHAT TO DO.

Is it time for Michelle’s season yet???

My love for The Bachelorette in one photo. Photo by Philipp Sewing on Unsplash

Shelly Mazzanoble

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