Today I was watching Revenge on Hulu while in the gym. Do you watch that show? Such drama! But I digress.
A commercial came on for CiCi’s Pizza– a pizza franchise I’m not familiar with– but I was immediately drawn to their advertising. Why? Because it involved personified pigs. If there’s one thing you should know about me (and probably already do) it’s that I love personifying animals.
These pigs were illbehaved which made me like them all the more. They were joy riding in a big, old pervert van, seemingly terrorizing the dull human neighbors, drinking their dull human coffee while stopped at red lights on dull, suburban streets.
They were dressed kind of hippie-ish in Janice Joplin sunglasses and Jimi Hendrix headbands and hanging out the windows of their pervert van. They were doing donuts in the intersection and basically causing a big, old ruckus like only hippie pigs in 1970’s accessories can do in a dull, suburban town. The whole time I’m watching this I was rooting for the hippie, derelict pigs and giggling (something I have never done on the treadmill) and wondering where I can buy the plushie hippie pigs which surely already have a licensing deal. What I did not do? Consider what these hippie, misbehaving pigs were promoting.
And then I saw it.
The product, if you will.
The call to action.
The most vile oversight the FCC has ever made.
Here, you can see for yourself:
See why the advertising people over at CiCi’s are sick and deranged? Do you see what is horribly, terribly wrong with this ad campaign? I’ll tell you regardless. I cared about those pigs! I developed an (unhealthy) affinity for those pigs! I’m right there in the pervert van with those pigs! Until the announcer screams HOG FEST PIZZA and shows my beloved little piggies all chopped up and turned into bacon, sausage and ham! ON A PIZZA! That’s right, people, HOG FEST PIZZA is not a pizza served to pigs at their family reunion. It’s not a fancy pigs-only buffet restaurant. It’s not an annual event pigs get all dolled up 70’s-style to pile into their pervert vans and camp out for. IT’S A FREAKIN’ PIZZA COVERED IN DEAD, PREVIOUSLY PERSONIFED PIGS! Did I ever mention that I’m vegetarian?
It’s just wrong to make people care about your 30-second protagonists just so you can turn them into pizza toppings. So no CiCi’s, I will not be partaking in your HOG FEST pizza. And not just because all of your locations are on the East Coast. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to microwave a Tofu Dog and pour one out for my ham homies. You pigs, dangerous and probably uninsured as you were, deserved better than this.