While visiting family in the Chicago suburbs, Quinn’s Great Uncle Mike handed him a silver dollar. Quinn thought that was super cool. He’s starting to understand money. You get it, you trade it for cheap plastic toys, repeat.
Later at the hotel, we were all chilling on the king sized bed eating Chex Mix and watching Beach House Bargain, when Quinn started squirming.
“What are you doing, buds?” I asked.
“Trying to get my money out,” he answered.
“Out of where?” I asked like a stupid, dumb, moron mother. I mean, duh, Mom. Out of where do you think an almost 4 year-old stashes his money?
“Out of my butt,” he said.
Oh for f*ck’s sake, I thought. It’s finally happened. Sticks and stones and broken bones and coinage stuck in a pooter. Some kids stick marbles in their noses, some kids swallow magnets, of course mine is going to treat his butt like an ATM.
“What the hell, kid?” I asked, trying to remain calm. We were in the Chicago suburbs. There had to be what? 8? 9? 362 urgent care centers around us? Someone within a 2 mile radius will be way more equipped at digging coinage out of my son’s butt, right? (EDITOR’S NOTE: Jesus, woman, did you just say that?! Your kid will be a teenager one day! THE INTERNET IS FOREVER!)
More equipped like perhaps my life parter and baby daddy who was laying 2.6 inches away from his son’s currency-filled crack. But yeah, its hard to be able-bodied when you’re face-down in a dirty hotel pillowcase laughing your ass off. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Ass? Really? Because this is a story about butts? Lame joke, honey! You’re better than that! We’re better than that!)
“What money did you put in your butt, dear child?” I asked. “Or rather, who’s? Because stealing ain’t cool and even less cool is stealing and then hiding the goods in a sacred orifice.” Again, super calm because there was no need to get the child worked up and tense. Tense would be about the worst thing to happen here. Tense is what’s going to happen at the Urgent Care center. We don’t need tense right now.
“The money Uncle Mike gave me,” he answered with all the nonchalance of someone answering the question, “Where do you keep the Vaseline and tweezers?”
Oh, sweet relief! Okay. A silver dollar, you say? I admit, I’m not the most spatially gifted girl. If you ask me the distance between my home and Trader Joe’s, I would tell you 13 miles (EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s .04 miles) or how tall Quinn is I might guess maybe 2 and a half feet (EDITOR’S NOTE: Or 3.6 feet. But what’s an entire foot when talking about your child’s physical appearance.) But even I could ascertain (EDITOR’S NOTE: Oh good lord. How long has it been since you wrote a freakin’ blog post. ASCERTAIN? Because it sounds like “ass?” It’s not even spelled like that!) that a silver dollar could not fit into an almost four year-old’s…well, I don’t need to paint you a picture. But OMG, what if I did? What a horrible picture! (EDITOR’S NOTE: MOVE ON!)
So I helped Quinn out of his PJ’s, shook him a bit (EDITOR’S NOTE: You can’t shake babies, dummy! Use a different word!) Umm…okay so I jostled him a titch? And wouldn’t you know it, there dropped the silver dollar! Jackpotty! (EDITOR’S NOTE: Okay, jackpotty is actually pretty funny.)
“Disgusting!” Bart yelled, muffled because he was still guffawing into his pillow.
“Honey Bear,” I started, again in my calm mommy voice. “Please don’t put money anywhere near your butt. That could have been scary.”
“But why?” He asked.
“Because money is dirty. And if anything gets stuck inside your body, we’d have to go to a doctor to have it removed. And that might not feel too good.”
He looked appropriately repentant which pleased me. Got to grab those teachable moments when they jump in front of you and down your kid’s Thomas the Train pajamas.
And then he said, “Smell it.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Smell my butt coin!”
“OMG, no. This was a TEACHABLE GOD DAMN MOMENT! I’m not smelling your butt coin!
“No, baby bear I will not. Not ever.”
“SMELL MY BUTT COIN!”
“Please leave me alone, thank you.”
“Jesus Christ on a cracker, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!”
“Mommy, smell it!!!!”
I jumped from sleeper sofa to bed to desk to shower stall back to bed to hallway to sleeper sofa and back again trying to shake the little loot tooter. But he was buoyed by his love of butts, poop, farts, being disgusting, and his dad’s encouraging hysterics so he was relentless.
“I’M YOUR MOTHER!” I yelled. “YOU DON’T TREAT MOTHERS LIKE THIS!”
In our house we have a saying. “Moms are for snuggles. Dads are for farts.” What was happening here was not normal.
“SMELL IT. SMELL IT NOW!”
“Make your dad smell it!” I shouted. “GIVE DADDY YOUR BUTT COIN!”
I…I…I don’t know what else to say. I can’t explain. I said that– no I yelled that. I know our neighbors must have heard it. Give daddy your butt coin.Go on, sweetie.Give daddy your butt coin so he can get you a Pepsi and some M&Ms. (EDITOR’S NOTE: How much are butt coins worth???? In a hotel vending machine that order is at least $4.75) Or If you can’t take care of your things you need to give Daddy your butt coin right now!
I know you want to know how this situation was resolved. My god you read this far you deserve to know the ending. I didn’t smell the butt coin, but I took possession of it. What choice did I have? I yanked it out of is gross, little hands and ran to the bathroom with it where I scrubbed it down with Marriott branded body wash, shampoo, and conditioner. Then I hid it in Bart’s toiletry bag.
“Aw, Mom!” Quinn pleaded. “I need it! Give me back my butt coin.”
“Sorry, kid,” I said, pouring hand sanitizer on his arms, neck, torso and face. “Your money is no good here.”
“Mommy, snuggle me.”
And just like that my baby was back. Mommy’s are for snuggles. Wow, I guess butt coin was a short phase. I kind of expected it to last a little longer. Sugar and spice and butt coins and lice.
I grabbed my soft, gentle, little sweetness and cozied up to him and about 8,945 filthy bedbugs on our king size hotel comforter.
I like ’em big, mellow, and old as dirt. Seriously, the more lich-like, medicated, and dusty-limbed, the more my bleeding heart goes pitter patter. I mean, look at that FACE!
And this face!
And this one!!!!
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!Sorry. I get a little excited when I see these beautiful pups. Rizzo and Skye were two of my fosters and Charlie was my first dog ever and the one to compare everything else that’s good in the world to. (I’ll tell you all about her another time. You’ll love it. Super interesting to hear someone wax on about a beloved pet you never met that died 12 years ago. Bet you can’t wait.)
These 3 beauties had lots in common:
They used to be good, well-behaved dogs until they came to live with me
They were all rescued from shelters
They were all seniors
See? I have a type. One (my husband) might say I like my dogs on the “decrepit” side. I prefer to say “seasoned.” Or perhaps, “age advanced.”
Why are we talking about dogs? Because today is National Puppy Day! Even if I’m a bit of an ageist when it comes to bringing home a pet, I am weak to the charms of puppies. I’m not dead inside, people.
You have a doggie type too, but maybe you don’t know what it is. But PuppySpot (think eHarmony for puppies) does and they make it real easy for you to find out. See?
Hmm…looks like arthritic, gray-faced fossils isn’t one of the choices. Guess I’ll have to go with Loyal Companion.
Before you run off to the shelter, just look at this face!
He’s not a puppy but his name is. Look at that seasoned muzzle! Now excuse me while I stuff Puppy into his compression stockings and mix up his nighttime Metamucil. See what you’re missing?
The final episode began in Northern Finland. Home of Santa Claus, Nick’s sad, depressed family, and roving gangs of angry female department store elves helmed by Amy Schumer’s distant cousin.
For the last three years, Viall family vacations are tied to the ABC production budget. At least Finland was a cool place to visit. As they tentatively waited to meet the two seasonal loves of Nick’s life, they reminisced about meeting his two other TV almost-wives.
“We were devastated after Andi and Caitlin,” Nick’s dad recalled. “People asked if it was possible that it could happen again. Of course it is, I told them! Have you met Nick?”
Nick made a last ditch effort to stir up some drama on the world’s most undramatic Bachelor season ever by pretending to be all terrified he’s gonna get dumped at the altar again. Clearly this was producer mandated because Vanessa was also pretending to have second thoughts about accepting the proposal from a man who doesn’t even have her phone number.
Nick’s sad, traumatized family met Raven first. She was on her best behavior because she knew when you marry someone you marry the whole damn family.
Nick’s little sister Bella (who had the pleasure of meeting Raven a few weeks ago when Nick ambushed her soccer match) pulled Raven aside first.
Bella: Look bitch, I didn’t get yanked out of school to come to this freezing ass place to see my brother get dumped again. Do you know how embarrassing this is for a girl in middle school?
Raven: I’m kind of like a girl in middle school. Only I just had an orgasm!
Bella: So has every girl in middle school, dummy. Get with it. Do you love my big, dumb brother or what?
Bella: Okay! I really like you and hope he picks you. I mean, i don’t know that other girl, but if you promise to say yes, I’m totes sold!
Also sold was Nick’s mom who was convinced Raven couldn’t possibly hurt anyone. Uhhhh, Nick’s Mom? Let me tell you a story about a little, holy, goth girl and her high heeled shoe.
The next day Vanessa got to meet the Viall clan and they were made instantly aware this girl was way out of Nick’s league. Vanessa recanted their first date and that special way Nick looked at her after she threw up his mouth.
“Bingo! That’s what I’ve been looking for my whole life!!”
Vanessa’s approach to meeting the family was a tad different than Raven’s. While the latter was all moony-eyed and ready to pass out save the date cards, Vanessa took a more…what’s the word…realistic approach. First she told Nick’s mom she wanted to end up with Nick, but was scared to get engaged because you know– they don’t really know each other.
Then she told his sister she was worried about where they’ll live and–gasp– having to compromise.
Finally she asked his dad if love was all you needed to make a relationship work.
“Nope,” his dad said. “You need compromise, selflessness, willingness to stop going on dates in front of cameras, desire to live in the same country.”
And then he burst out crying.
And then she burst out crying.
And then they hugged.
Later Nick and his dad chatted about chicks.
Dad: You have a type.
Nick: No, I don’t.
Dad. You do. You like women you meet on TV.
Nick: Nah, not always. I banged that chick from Jade and Tanner’s wedding.
Dad: Don’t forget your track record.
Nick: Right. Good talk, Dad. Good talk.
Afterwards, the family then discussed options with Nick like maybe eHarmony or a personal ad or hooking up with college students at a bar. Dad said he’d be cool with either girl. Mom thought Raven’s eagerness to get a proposal might be a red flag.(Ya think, Nick’s Mom?)
Nick kept harping on the fact that there was a very real chance that one of these girls could dump his ass if he proposes because…you know… it’s happened. Twice.
Overall, Nick’s family is just about done with this TV nonsense.
Then it was time for the last dates before the inevitable proposal.
Vanessa put on her tall hat and joined Nick for an afternoon experiencing Nordic traditions like horseback riding and hanging out with Santa Claus. Vanessa felt like she was back in her childhood when she would ride a horse up mountain, knock on a random cabin, and a strange foreign man would wave her in.
Santa gave the couple some fertility-boon laser etched wood plaque depicting their faces before sending them off to have another weird conversation about their future.
Vanessa cried. Nick mumbled. She was upset. He was clueless. Did she want to say yes if he proposed? Would he move to Canada? Did she even really like him? She was determined to get reassurance later that night.
Vanessa: Everytime I ask you a question I get a very general answer.
Nick: ABC is making me be vague. It’s not good for ratings if I tell you I’m gonna pick you before the finale even though everyone knows I’m going to.
Vanessa: It’s not fair to make me wait and pretend Raven is actually competition. TELL ME!
Nick: Well I’ve been dumped on TV twice so I am very careful with my heart. Does that make sound romantic and hopeful or like the jaded, cynical prick I am?
Vanessa: Are you ready to propose?
Nick: Isn’t Finland beautiful?
Vanessa: I hate you.
Nick: I know. I hate me too.
Vanessa: That might be the only thing we have in common.
Then it was Raven’s turn, which meant another horrific music montage this time accompanying Nick and Raven’s ice skating date. They groped and spun and almost fell down as Kiss Me–a song as dated and cheesy as they are– played in the background. Raven was giddy thinking this was her last date as a single person ever.
Once again their afternoon cumulates with some having petting on an inappropriate surface.
After skating they warmed up by a fire. Nick left to retrieve a surprise and came back with three adorable husky puppies.
“I hope my kids with nick are as cute as these puppies!” Raven squealed.
The evening portion of the date took place at a chalet where Raven exuded more confidence in iIck being the person she was supposed to be with it.
“It’s a true love, y’all!
Nick toasted and thanked her for being there, sleeping with him, and allowing herself to fall in love. She thought that was so dang sweet.
Raven: So how are you doing? I mean, without giving too much detail. I don’t wanna get bored.
Nick: Man, it’s hard. This is a lot of pressure. You think it’s easy to have two girlfriends?
Raven: I never said that.
Nick: It’s hard! Thank goodness there’s PA’s around to help me remember your names.
Raven: Well, let me tell you, I will totally say yes when you propose. I’m ready! No hesitation! Vote for me!
Nick: Aw, now you’re sweet. You’re so sincere. It’s so hard to imagine you nearly bludgeoning someone to death with a shoe.
Now, if you’ve ever watched this show you know exactly how it’s going to turn out. There’s always one over-confident contestant and one humble one. Clearly he’s not going to pick the over-confident one because– hello! DRAMA. No freakin’ way.
Nick went back to his Nordic dungeon and thought about these two doomed relationships and let his heart guide him to the one who would earn him the most publicity.
At last, the world’s most famous traveling ring salesman showed up to schelp his overdesigned wares.
Nick: Neil Lane! We meet again!
Neil: Seriously man. You’ve been on this show almost as many times as I have.
Cut to Vanessa who was already sobbing in her evening gown. She was having some serious hesitations about getting engaged to this yahoo. There were still so many questions. Where will they live??? How could she leave her family??? Does Nick even have a job???
Then there was Raven, working on her Dream Wedding Pinterest board and waxing on about how Nick is everything she ever wanted.
“I believe in fairy tales! I’m ready! Bring it on!!!”
Nick was worried that if he proposed to Vanessa she might actually say no. She kept wanting answers to stupid logistical questions and reassurances about his stupid feelings. So lame. Maybe he should propose to Sure Thing Raven so he could finally live out his dream of getting engaged on national television. Then he burst into tears at the thought of having to dump someone the way he had been dumped all those times before.
The first limo pulled up and you know whomever gets out first is the reject. To my delight, Raven in a gaudy silver bridesmaid-to-a bride-who-clearly-hated-her-friends-dress stepped out. Yay! #sorrynotsorry.
She didn’t waste any time launching into a diatribe about how much she loved him and how he’s everything she ever wanted.
It took a while, but she finally got it. He didn’t kiss her on the mouth. They weren’t making out on a bed of straw and shards of glass. He wasn’t even smiling. Hmm…
NIck: Uhh, I really care about you, I respect you. I have much love for you. But umm… I just don’t think I’m in love with you. Miss you!
Raven: I know.
Raven: It’s cool. I can always be the next Bachelorette!
Nick: Umm, no you can’t. They already picked Rachel.
Raven: Rachel? But she’s black!’
Nick: Lemme walk you out.
Not only did Raven not get a ring, she didn’t get to retrieve her coat! Poor girl was freezing in the back of a limo wondering why Jesus won’t just let her be happy.
I was surprised she held it together so well. Oh wait, never mind!
Lights up. We see girl in desperate need of of a haircut and color crying and shivering in the back of a limo. She has a tiny mouth, like someone painted over her real mouth with flesh colored paint and taped a black pipe cleaner in it’s place. Yes, a black pipe cleaner. She’s grossly overdressed and clearly freezing because she doesn’t have a coat. As she speaks, she is overcome with emotion, barely able to get the full impact of her self-loathing across.
Girl in Limo: Is it that no one can feel that way about me? I wish I could find love. But I don’t even know if that’s possible. So why even look? It’s probably not possible. Now I have to go back to Arkansas and have my creepy brother spy on me and all the guys I take into the grain silos to make out with and them beat up with my shoe. Sigh…
Nick confessed he had been falling in love with Vanessa for a long time and was still fake worried about getting dumped. But he had been fighting the feeling for a long, long time and gosh darnit, he wasn’t fighting it anymore! He was going to ask her to marry him!
Vanessa spent her limo ride fretting over if Nick was really ready to deal with the pressures that came with an engagement like people constantly asking where you’re going to live and what will you do for a living. So annoying.
As they came face to face in the candlelit Nordic lodge, Nick said he knew the exact moment he fell in love with her. (HINT: It was after she threw up in his mouth.)
“When I look at you, all I see is my future and includes several covers of Us Weekly dedicated to our engagement and subsequent break up.”
Then Vanessa made a big, dumb speech.
“I didn’t think you would notice me. But instead you noticed every part of me. Thank you for taking another chance on love.”
Oh, please. What is this crap? OMG, who cares? No! NOT ME! IT’S NOT REAL, SHELLY!
So yeah, they’re probably broken up by now, which is why I wasn’t rushing to post this, but I know what you’re thinking: What will Nick do now that the cameras are turned off? Go away and enjoy life outside of the public eye? Reconnect with his sad family? Get to know his new fiancé? Oh hell no!
And the Universe has realigned itself.
Rachel, we are ready for you. Don’t disappoint us.
The Bachelor is leading us to believe all Finland has to offer is packs of running deer and snow. (And the Northern Lights if, you know, natural phenomenons are your bag.) That all may be true, but it’s time to update the tourism brochures. Finland can now proudly proclaim itself to be the locale where Raven had her first orgasm. That’s right. Nick brought his chunky cable knit sweater and his A-Game to the Fantasy Suite and left Raven, “Pretty satisfied.”
The next morning as she snuggled in a fur blankie and bid Nick adieu with a smooch and an “I love you,” Raven believed that was the first “meaningful” I love you with her future husband. Clearly she was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
As if her words were not vomit-inducing enough, we were then treated to a “My First Orgasm” music montage where a “fully awoken” Raven ran around poor, beautiful, peaceful Finland nuzzling dogs, high-fiving strangers, kissing reindeer, making snow angels, and poking her dumb hat-heavy head out from behind sculptures. I mean…what the…?
Just…stop, Raven. I don’t get you. Never have. If I could muster a morsel of a positive feeling towards Nick I would wonder what he sees in you, but I can’t. So I don’t. I think you should get married and take each other off the market and hump in the Arkansas mud and make enough babies to fill a Sunday School class. Also, your hat is stupid.
After Nick left Raven pretty satisfied in the Fantasy Suite, he met up with Rachel for another fun afternoon of stereotypical winter activity and mediocre satisfaction. They cross-country skied (perfect activity for a girl from Texas and a douche on two legs) to a safari where they geeked out on some reindeer who were less than impressed by these stupid Americans who were pretending to fall in love on TV.
“We’re just trying out new adventurers together,” Rachel mused. “There’s something beautiful and romantic about that.”
What wasn’t beautiful and romantic was the rational, sad, neglected voice inside Rachel’s head that didn’t believe all this hooey and therefore wouldn’t let her say stupid things like, “I love you!”
Instead she said, “I’m scared. Scared of rejection. Scared of putting it out there and him not giving it back.”
Oh honey, whatever Nick is putting out there, you’re surely going to get back. In fact, call your gyno now.
But alas. The Rational Rachel was asked to take a seat while Regretful Rachel had a nice, little chat with Nick.
Nick: I like strong people. I like strong women. I like knowing where I stand.
Rachel: I’m falling in love with you! Oh god, that’s so stupid I might make myself sick!
Nick: I’m totally falling for you too! 100%! You’re going to be such a great Bachelorette! Want to go to the Fantasy Suite?
Rachel: Totes! Just let me get my diaphragm!
Rachel felt good, she felt confident, she felt loved. Soon she would feel a burning sensation when she peed, but that’s besides the point.
“This is exactly the man i’m supposed to be with,” she beamed.
Rachel loved waking up with Nick–until he ate the breakfast off her plate and begged off to meet up with his other girlfriend.
Last but not least likely to get an STD, it was Vanessa’s turn to don a stupidly tall knit hat and wait outside in the cold for Nick to take her someplace even colder. They both hoped whatever unbearably frigid thing the producers cooked up would be better than that day they spent in Montreal with Vanessa’s annoying sane, close, cynical family and their constant barrage of inane questions.
Because their relationship had always been so, “hot and steamy,” Nick thought a Finnish ice bath would be an appropriate activity.
Nick: Hey! We’re going to wear matching, ill-fitting swimsuits, hang out in a boiling hot sauna, and then run outside to submerge ourselves in a freezing ass lake.
Vanessa: My family was right– you suck.
Nick: I don’t want to do it either, okay? But all the good dates were already taken by my other girlfriends.
Vanessa: I want to murder you. Like chop you up and feed you to the reindeer.
After the third dip in the freezing ass lake, Vanessa started enjoying it, which goes to prove this woman has terrible taste in pretty much everything.
Once they were warm and dry, they discussed Vanessa’s very traditional family and Nick’s blatant dislike of very traditional families.
Nick: I once dated a girl who’s family was very…present. I hated it. I hate family. They all suck. I wish I was hatched from a bed bud and sunflower seed.
Vanessa: I will never compromise on ANYTHING! Especially not spending six hours with my family EVERY, SINGLE SUNDAY!
Nick: Like every Sunday?
Vanessa: I just hope you remember that relationships are based on compromises!
Nick: But you just said you would never compromise.
Vanessa: I WON’T! You will be doing all the compromising, assface!
That night Vanessa became confused. Maybe she had a delayed case of hypothermia? Maybe the sight of Nick in a tiny blue weenie bikini zapped her out of this forced romantic reverie? Or maybe she just hadn’t had enough to drink yet. While she could picture spending the rest of her life with Nick, she didn’t understand why their conversations were always so heavy. Also, why the hell wouldn’t he want to spend ¾ of every day with her family? I mean, what the literal hell? And speaking of family, Vanessa figured now was as good a time as any to talk about the whole, “What country would we live in if you proposed?” question they were all so obsessed with. (ANSWER: Doesn’t freakin’ matter! Before you can Google “What the eff is a toonie?” your fake love story will be resigned to old Us Weekly’s languishing on Bombay Company end tables in dentist waiting rooms.
Neither Nick nor Vanessa seemed interested in leaving their home countries so they decided to talk about it after spending the night in the Fantasy Suite.
In the morning, Vanessa had been duped into thinking Nick was her other half. She believed herself to the luckiest person in the world, but was admittedly a little worried because they still hadn’t settled on which country they’d live in. But oh well! Time for a Rose Ceremony!
Even the luckiest woman in the world wasn’t immune to a little insecurity and doubt. Standing next to Raven and Rachel who also reeked of eau de Fantasy Suite toiletries made her wonder if she was good enough. (ANSWER: Honey, the day you hit send on your application was the day you should have asked yourself that.)
But I digress.
Nick was a hot mess, barely able to properly thank each of the girls for taking the time to sleep with him without bursting into tears. He sniveled and cried as he handed roses to Raven and Vanessa.
Oh no way. You mean the girl who was tapped to be the next Bachelorette a MONTH AGO didn’t get a rose?! No way, ABC. Didn’t see that coming. Impressive run, Rachel. We’ll see you soon. Maybe not soon enough for Nick.
Rachel: Ew. I can’t believe I thought we had a thing.
Nick: You’re the most incredible woman I ever met. I hope this isn’t goodbye forever. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge!
Rachel: Ew. Just…ew.
Nick: I’m always going to think of you. Even after I propose to and dump one of those bimbos over there. Can I walk you out?
Before she got into the back of the limo, Nick hugged her tight. Like really tight. Maybe he really liked her but ABC paid him to dump her. Or maybe they really liked her and promised him a spot on her season the The Bachelorette.
As a lone tear streamed down Rachel’s cheek in the back of the limo, Nick popped a squat next to a lantern and cried.
Who will Nick chose to enter into a highly publicized, ill-fated relationship with? Only one more week of putting up with Nick and his fake feelings! Weeeeeeeee!
There’s good news and bad news about this week’s episode of The Bachelor:
Good news: It was only an hour!
Bad news: It involved one long, drawn out, pathetic , TMI-filled date between Raven and Nick.
Good news: It’s Fantasy Suite time! Bahahahaha!
Bad news: It involved Raven and Nick.
Good news: There was a big, fat, kiss off at the Rose Ceremony.
Bad news: I’m already bored without her.
Don’t worry, we’ll get there. But if I had so suffer through Nick and Andi’s incredibly fake, obviously scripted, weird role-play then so do you. That’s what friends do.
Nick: I’m so vulnerable! Is this how you felt?
Andi: Oh god, no! You’re a loser!
Nick: You dumped me on national TV!
Andi: I’d do it again in a heartbeat. In fact, can I? We’re on TV right now!
Nick: Maybe I’ll dump someone on national TV. Ever think of that?
Nick: What? I don’t have to marry one those bitches just because I’m the Bachelor and ABC is paying me to!
Andi: High five, you bad boy, you! Oh hey, are you going to have sex with all of them in the Fantasy Suite?
Nick: Uh duh, Andi. But probably not all at once. I mean, unless they’re cool with that.
Andi: Know what I think? Who cares? DO IT! Bang ‘em all! You’re dating them! You have three girlfriends! You already met their parents! You’ve been on at least three dates. DO IT! Don’t buy a cow without a test drive. Or, wait, what? Who cares. Just DO IT!
Nick: Wow, Andi! Great advice!
Andi: Right? I’m such a feminist! Roar!
Nick: I’m not sure telling a dude to bang three different women and not care about it is being a feminist, but oh well!
Andi: WHO CARES???
Nick: Sorry I told everyone we slept together and then slut-shamed you for two years.
Andi: Sorry I humiliated you on national television. I mean, I’m sorry. Not regretful. You’re still a loser.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Vanessa couldn’t stop crying, Rachel thought she was falling in love for real this time, Raven was ready to say yes, and PV was feeling vulnerable because after their day of shopping, Nick now knew her “to the core.”
Nick was late to the Rose Ceremony because of his fireside chat with Andi. He made the girls wait on a rooftop deck, freezing in their mega-slit gowns, seriously regretting their choice to go Brazilian.
When he finally arrived, (dressed in all black to exemplify what a slimey bastard he was,) Nick apologized for making them wait, but failed to mention the whole “drinking whiskey with my ex-girlfriend” thing.
PV’s not a cold weather sort of gal.
Nick was all blah blah blah, hometowns were fun, families were nice, thanks for cooking all that pasta, sorry everyone hated me. Raven got the first rose which still surprised me. I mean, what the hell? Does her daddy own a television network or something?
Rachel got the second rose, but we all know that ain’t happening.
And then things got nice and dramatic as Nick was forced to chose between the pretty, kind, intelligent special needs teacher or the vapid, insecure, morally defunct exhibionist. I honestly had no idea which way he would go.
But he chose…
Wait for it…
PV was going ho ho home! E-jected! Gone Gonorrhea Girl! The penicillin express was leaving the station with only one bleary eyed, bleating, sadsack with a ton of baggage on board.
PV burst into tears which was weird. Kind of like seeing an iguana cry. She apologized for whatever it was she did wrong.
Wait, what?! She was that girl? The “clearly-I’m-not-good-enough-for-you-so-why-didn’t-I-buy-you-the-cashmere-sweatsuit-instead” girl? Good lord, PV! Your lady parts are allegedly made of a rare, precious metal and you’re apologizing to a guy we’ve seen dumped on TV more times than that weird blue liquid on a maxi pad? Oh girl…
Nick assured her than other than submitting an application to be on this stupid show, she did nothing wrong.
“I’m gonna miss the hell out of your boobs– I mean, you,” he said.
It took all her energy to stay awake, stand up, and stutter, good luck.
Man, she was bawling. Like Raquel-said-no-more-cheesy-noodles bawling! The only thing harder than how she was taking this was the crusty, old dairy products embedded in her cleavage. That’s gonna be a bitch to get off.
As she was stuffed into the backseat of the waiting town car, she immediately got drunker, more revealing, and less coherent. (More so than usual, I mean.) Here’s the highlight reel of her confessions:
“Feels like my heart…like never will be repaired.”
“Why can’t I just have a normal relationship like they do on TV?”
“I’m done trying to show my men how much I worships and support them! Done!”
“Imma jus gonna be me…”
“Not gonna kiss up to a man ever again.”
“I’m so done.”
“And so sleepy.”
Good night, PV. Unlike anything about you, it’s been real.
And bye bye, Brooklyn. It was time to pack up and head to Finland. (I’m so sorry, good people of Finland.) Thankfully PV and her perpetual snotty nose aren’t coming.
Finland wasn’t just snow and vodka. It’s the location for the Fantasy Suite dates, which incidentally was stocked with plenty of snow and vodka. For those who may not know what the Fantasy Suite is, allow me to explain. It’s the most contrived, pseudo-romantic “suite” where the Bachelor/Bachelorette and their remaining contestants can be alone without the cameras. It’s gross and awesome, but unless you’re sleeping with Nick no one knows for sure what goes down in there.
Before their date, Nick donned a parka and wandered around a snowy field looking for clarity. What he discovered was:
He and Vanessa still had a lot of questions to answer, superficial ones like, “Where you gonna live?” Also her family was mean.
Rachel was the only woman who hadn’t professed her love, but he was sure she’d get there. But if not he would still sleep with her.
He wasn’t entirely sure where Raven’s heart was, which might be the stupidest thing this guy ever said. Umm, really, dickhead? Two days ago she was climbing all over in a field of mud and she practically weeps whenever she looks at you. Duh
“Let’s spend the rest of the episode focused on Nick and Raven’s one-on-one date,” said the worst producer ever. Thanks a lot, jerkwad.
Raven was determined this time she would tell Nick she was in love with him. She never told any other guy that before. Well, except Jesus.
They popped into a local pub, drank beer, and played darts while locals seethed in the background. Raven felt like she was in one of those choose your own adventure books where every choice was a “new, great experience!
Yeah, Dumbo, every choice is a “new, great experience” because every choice is choreographed and paid for by a major television network! THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE!
Also, STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR HAIR!
Sorry, I must have been temporarily hypnotized by all that hair twirling because I had no idea how those two ass clowns got on the topic of household chores.
“You’ll cook and I’ll fold clothes!” she squealed.
“I like creases in my pants!” Nick squealed.
“Ew, creases!” Raven squealed.
Oh, you two crazy kids!
But Raven was only focused on Nick’s creased chinos because she needed a distraction from what was really on her mind:
Having to tell Nick she loved him
Having to have sex with Nick in the Fantasy Suite
Okay this show is gross and all, but sex in the Fantasy Suite isn’t a requirement. Just saying. Also, she casually mentioned in her confessional that she’s only had one sexual partner. Oh and she’s never had an orgasm. (Hi, Raven’s Dad!)
They escape to a cabin in the woods where someone put a lot of effort setting a table and plating food no one will even look at.
Raven went on a long rambling rant with lots of diversions and tears and stupid metaphors about “never having felt the feelings she was feeling” and every time she talked to him she got a “comfort feeling.” Jesus, take the wheel and make her say it! When she finally blurted out the most anti-climatic “I love you,” ever, Nick thought it was the best professions of love he ever heard. The editors begged to differ.
Raven accepted ABC’s invitation to the Fantasy Suite, but needed to remind Nick of two things:
Raven: So, umm, I’ve only had one sexual partner before. And I beat his ass with a shoe.
Nick: Cool! I’ve only had one sexual partner too…today. Heya!
Raven: Also, I’ve never had an orgasm. So like, no pressure.
Nick: Damn straight, no pressure! You think I care about reciprocation in the bedroom? Oh girl, you got a lot of mud up between those ears.
Alone with a thirty-person camera crew, Nick and Raven settled in and waited for the Northern Lights (not a euphemism.)
Will Raven add a second notch to her belt? Will she finally have an orgasm? Will any of the other remaining girls be dumb enough to sleep with this guy? Will anyone have an orgasm? Probably not. But you’ll have to wait for next week to find out for sure.
The girls were still reeling from the unceremonial dumping of Kirstina. How can Nick dump so many women without a ceremony? (ABC must be saving a ton on roses this season.) The girls are like SO DONE with surprises! I mean, what in the actual hell was going on here? It’s not like ABC was trying to get ratings or something. PV was so freakin’ unstable she had to drink her chardonnay out of a coffee mug.
And then there was a knock on door!
And it was Nick!
He admitted it was tough to get rid of Kristina because he really “loved” and “respected” her and everyone knew he couldn’t possibly marry a girl like that.
“But you ho’s on the other hand,” he said as he doled out roses. “Hubba hubba!”
Hooray! All four girls were getting hometown dates!
“I am so excited to meet Raquel!” Nick squealed.
First stop was Hoxie, Arkansas to meet Raven’s coven. She was super excited to show Nick a new side of her: fun and sexy! She demonstrated both (I guess?) by inviting Nick to partake in Hoxie’s favorite activities–mudding, frog farming, and breaking into grain bins.
Mudding is exactly what it sounds like. You climb aboard an ATV and barrel through gigantic, mud-soaked fields and get really muddy.
They rolled up to a grain bin where “the people of Hoxie leave their secrets.” They got almost the top when wouldn’t you know it? The police showed up.
“What you doing here? You know who owns this here grain bin? You got any ID? You ain’t from around here, are you, sonny boy?”
Nick appeared perplexed and afraid while looking for a producer to, you know, explain things and I was wondering why the cop wasn’t telling the cameras to stop rolling, but whatever. I don’t get arrested much so what do I know? Just as Nick was about to submit to a cavity search, SURPRISE! It was just Raven’s brother! Oh man! You totally got us, Raven’s brother!
“Don’t be kissing on the grain bin!” He warned. “I’ll be watching!”
You will be? EWWWWWW, Raven’s brother!
After the police fake out, they resumed mudding activities and got good and soaked. Raven stripped Nick down so they could enjoy a nice lil’ biblical wrestle in the mud. Wearing a white t-shirt today was totally a good choice, Raven. Where was that creepy brother now?
Nick felt like this was a huge step forward in their relationship. Or wait, maybe he meant this:
They’d have some serious cleaning up to do before meeting her parents, but first a bit more dirty.
As they approached Raven’s parent’s front door, she casually mentioned her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer.
“Oh, umm,” Nick stammered. “I brought flowers.”
Don’t worry, it was only sad for a minute because Raven’s mom announced Dad was just declared cancer free. An actual touching moment ensued.
But so did this weird, fake romance.
Nick was only the second guy Raven had ever brought home, so it was a big deal, y’all!
“Is it weird to think you could be walking me down the aisle to marry that guy in there?” Raven asked her dad.
“Oh girl, so f’ing weird.”
Then Raven had a really sweet chat with her mom.
Raven: I thought he was going to be really arrogant, you know? Like a total toolbag.
Raven’s Mom: That’s what I thought too! I hate his face.
Raven: But then I saw him be really nice to his little sister and I was like, “Oh. He’s cool!”
Raven’s Mom: I trust your judgement!
Nick also had a heart-to-heart with Raven’s dad.
Nick: So how would you feel if your daughter wanted to marry me?
Raven’s Dad: Pretty shitty!
Nick: I care about her a lot. She’s definitely in my top four.
Raven’s Dad: Well, I admit, I wasn’t expecting to like you. I mean, you’re kind of a loser. But I guess I’d rather her marry you than the cheating bastard she beat up with her shoe.
Raven left her family feeling reassured and hopeful and decided the time was right to tell Nick she’d totally say yes if he wanted to propose to her.
“I have no reservations,” she said. And then promptly beat herself up for not saying, “I love you.” I mean, Nick’s not that smart. What if he didn’t get what she meant? Great. Now she’d probably be the only girl left who hadn’t said it! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Next it was off to Dallas to meet Rachel’s family. After a huggy, kissy reunion on a sidewalk, Rachel whisked Nick off to a gospel church filled with black people because she wanted Nick to be “super comfortable.”
Even though this church was different from his church back home (wait. what?) he had an amazing time. So amazing that Nick was ready to spend every Sunday being the only white guy in Rachel’s church.
Unfortunately Rachel’s dad wasn’t home due to “work obligations” (READ: Deep seated humiliation and disgust) but Nick did get to meet her mom, aunt, sisters and WHITE-ASS brother-in-law!
“You don’t need to have black skin,” Rachel said. “But you need to have thick skin.”
Her sister and white brother-in-law grilled Rachel and Nick first.
“Is Rachel the first black girl you’ve ever dated?” White brother-in-law asked.
“Well, define ‘dated.’ I mean, I sleep with black girls all the time. Or at least I did twice.”
Rachel’s mom was also curious about Nick’s history with black women. She also shared advice she imparted on her daughters.
“Always look for red flags in relationships,” she said. “So Nick, what are Rachel’s red flags?”
“Uh, uh, uh…other than wanting to marry me? I mean, that’s a pretty huge red flag, don’t you think?”
Finally Nick jetted off to Miami to meet the weird ass mutants that spawned such a debaucherous egomaniac who can’t keep her clothes on. Nick was super excited to be in Miami. He had no clue what PV had in store for him, but knowing her he figured it probably would involve nudity and pubic lice.
Because she really wanted Nick to get to know “her true essence”, and because she’s a superficial, conceited twitwit, the date she planned was a tour of all the places she felt most at home–a very upscale shopping mall where it’s common to put on fancy clothes and dry hump in front of the mannequins.
Nick was blown away by the fact every single sales associate knew her intimately and the $1,400 sweatsuit she made him try on. She wanted Nick to look good when meeting her parents so she bought him an outfit costing more than an entire year of spray tans for the Miami University cheerleading team.
You guys, the outfit cost $3,423!!!
You guys, she paid for it!
You guys, he let her!
Once she had Nick outfitted properly, she made a tiny confession: She loved him! Oh puke. They consummated her egregious and highly inappropriate declaration with a sloppy makeout session outside a fake Parisian mall bistro.
Wow. PV has some serious sun damage.
PV’s parents looked like nice, cuddly, friendly adults who other than Nick’s mom and dad were the only parents who had any concern over Nick’s inability to meet a woman outside of televised game shows.
And yes, Nick finally got to meet RAQUEL!
PV: The other girls made fun of me because I have a nanny.
PV’s Mom: How they hell did they find out you had a nanny?
PV: I told them.
PV’s Dad: You dumbass!
PV’s Mom: I hope you also told them Raquel is a valued and loved part of our family and has been for seventeen years. RAQUEL! I’m hungry! Serve faster, please. And be a dear and put some of these olives on my fork for me. You know I hate round food. See? FAMILY!
PV’s Dad sat her down and asked some “serious questions.”
PV’s Dad: What the eff is going on here?
PV: I love him!
PV’s Dad: For the love of god don’t tell him that!
PV: I already did!
PV’s Dad: It’s been like six days! What the hell is wrong with you!?
PV: I love him! He’d be my soulmate if I had a soul.
Dad: What’s his job?
PV: Who the hell cares? There’s no time to work when you’re always on reality TV shows.
Dad: Are you okay being the breadwinner? And have him stay home with your kids?
PV: Sure, Dad. Stop asking me questions like none of this is normal!
Later, PV’s dad and Nick enjoyed some fine scotch and another line of questioning.
PV’s Dad: You may have noticed my daughter is a superficial, materialistic little troll. I may have had something to do with that. But now she’s gonna be your problem! You ready for that?
Nick: Sure! I mean, as long as she stays super slutty and never develops any of those annoying traits like modesty or decency.
PV’s Dad: Oh sure, no chance of that happening. But you kind of need…you know…a job. What’s next for you?
Nick: I’ve got lots of irons in the fire. And by irons and fire I’m talking about my penis and the the other girls amirite!?
PV’s Dad: Cheers to that! But what’s gonna be your J.O.B., dumbass!?
Nick: There are lots of things I can do like Celebrity Rehab, Marriage Boot Camp, maybe Celebrity Boxing.
Last trip was off to Montreal to meet Vanessa’s family and her adorable students who clearly loved her. They were holding signs and handing her roses and bawling because they missed her so much. Nick was like, “BOOOORING! Do you like my new sweater? It cost more than Vanessa’s six-month earnings!”
The crew spent the afternoon creating scrapbook pages of Nick and Vanessa’s most favorite memories. Oh look! There’s Vanessa puking into Nick’s mouth! And there she is crying and doubting her value as a human being in front of a roaring fire.
Next stop was to meet Vanessa’s mother’s side of the family at Nonna’s house where 15 people sat around the most gigantic table ever set. Food was piled high, but no one cared because they all had deep, probing questions for the happy couple like:
Where will you live if he picks you?
“Oh, you know,” Vanessa answered. “I’m sure we’ll live somewhere. I don’t really want to pressure him.”
Hmm. Vanessa’s aunt started to get a sense that perhaps Nick and Vanessa don’t really…you know… talk.
Vanessa’s mom had a different line of questioning for Nick.
Mom: What do you like about my daughter?
Nick: Oh, I liked her as soon as she got out of the limo. I mean, va va va voom, riiiiiiight?
Mom: Well, you’re as gross as I thought you would be.
Vanessa’s sister was having none of it.
“Have you talked about real things?” she grilled Nick. “Like how you both live in different countries? Like where you want to live? Like what your job will be if you have to move? Like why you want to marry her?”
“Ew, sister!” Nick answered. “That kind of boring shit is what married people talk about!”
Not completely satisfied with that answer, Vanessa’s sister promised that if Nick hurt her sister, she would hate him forever. That made Nick cry.
Meanwhile Vanessa was chatting with her much younger and savier brother.
“What will you do for work? Where will you live? What the hell does he do for a living? Why do you want to marry this guy?
“Ugh! Enough with the logical questions! Who cares where people live! We’ll talk about living situations when the time is right, okay?”
All those questions really put a damper on things and they hadn’t even visited her dad yet! That visit went something like this:
Vanessa’s Dad: Why is my daughter more special than all those other bimbos?
Nick: She’s hot! And she makes me feel safe. And umm.. I like her brown hair.
Vanessa’s Dad: But do you respect her?
Nick: Come again?
Vanessa’s Dad: Will you treat her like a lady, you stupid flytrap?
Nick: Ooooh, you know it! So can I have your blessing?
Dad: Are you f’ing crazy? What did her mom say?
Nick: I didn’t ask because I did not care for her particular line of questioning.
Dad: So you want to get engaged to my daughter? Is that what you’re telling me?
Nick: Well no, because I’m still dating three other girls.
Dad: So what the hell does it mean to want my blessing?
Nick: Umm that you…don’t totally hate me?
Dad: Right. Okay, I guess!
Vanessa’s Dad told her Nick asked for his blessing, which at once made Vanessa all hopeful and then concerned. Was he asking all the other parents the same thing? Does he actually like those other girls???
The group returned to Brooklyn for the rose ceremony, because why not? All of the girls with the exception of PV were feeling insecure and having doubts about saying (or not saying) I love you. Just as Nick was deep in a faux thoughtfulness on a balcony overlooking Manhattan, there was a knock on the door. It was ANDI! You know, the first of three women to dump him on national television. WHY WAS SHE THERE? To pay tribute to the GIANT BULLET SHE DODGED or just to make fun of him? I guess we’ll have to wait to find out. What’s with all these cliffhangers, ABC?! It’s not like this is the most boring season ever and you have to manufacture the drama. Oh…right.
I’m woefully behind in all my other TV watching and can’t, in good faith, watch and enjoy Housewives on Housewives henpecking until I know you know what the hell happened on week 7. And it’s only hours before Week 8 begins in most time zones!
After Nick barged in on the girls, had a good ol’ himbo cryfest, and thought really hard about dumping them all, he found solace in the warm, wireless mic’d pectorals of Chris Harrison who tried to give him an out.
“Basically, save face and just call it, man,” Chris said. “ABC will be pissed they invested in such a charmless assclown, but whatevs. We’ll make up for the bad PR by making Rachel our first ever African American Bachelorette and you won’t make your mom cry again.”
But nope, Nick believed there was still some internal humilation up for grabs and he would not stop until all the people were laughing at him.
Back at the house, Raven, Kristina, and Rachel were all bloodshot eyes and speculation. The girls were heartbroken on Nick’s behalf. Poor guy, they lamented! He can’t possibly propose and get dumped a fourth time, could he?
Nick barged in again for another tearful chat with the girls. PV fluffed her hair while the other girls took turns hugging him and looking sad.
NIck explained he had been burned before. (No shit, Nick.) He’d was once confident, but now he had all these bad thoughts swirling in his head and he was confused. Thoughts were for lameos! But then he PERSEVERED once more and kept thinking and guess what! He realized there were still a lot of boobs he hadn’t touched and US Weekly cover stories that hadn’t been written so GOD DAMMIT HE’S STAYING! The girls bursted out crying and hugged one another.
Nick canceled the rose ceremony in favor of ditching icky St. Thomas and heading to Bimini.
“It’s my dream come true,” PV squealed.
The first one-on-one date in Bimini was for Vanessa. The card read: Let’s Go Deeper.
PV was pissed! And frustrated! And really bloated! She hadn’t even had a one-on-one yet!
“He probably wants to get to know her on an intellectual level,” PV reasoned. “Not the good kind of deeper he goes with me.”
But still she couldn’t seem to understand why Nick would pick such a beautiful, calm, nice, personable woman to spend an afternoon and evening with.
PV: I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to make her open up. But he’ll be so disappointed when all she says is, “I’m Italian! I love my family! We make pasta together every Sunday!”
Rachel: Right? Total buzzkill.
PV: I mean, all he really sees is a special needs teacher. A really pretty special needs teacher, but still? How much depth could she really have?
Their date was on a boat (a risky endeavor for a girl who once vomited in his mouth) because Nick and Vanessa clearly love awkward make-out sessions. They went for it underwater, banging snorkels and masks in a deep sea cacophony that scared all the jellyfish away.
Vanessa got that feeling. No, not that I’m drowning! feeling. The other feeling. LOVE!
“It’s just love!” she said in her confessional. “I mean, he hasn’t said it, but I’m sure he’s feeling it too!”
It looked less like “falling in love” and more like “falling unconscious to the bottom of the ocean due to lack of oxygen to the brain” but what the hell do I know? I’m an old lady who took five and half years to say yes to a first date with my now husband.
Meanwhile, back at the rent-a-house, the other girls enjoyed some light afternoon binge drinking to ease their anxiety. Hometowns were next week so it was extra important to get a one-on-one! Like really important! PV really wanted Nick to meet her dog, see her pool, and of course taste Raquel’s famous cheesy noodles. (Not a euphemism.)
But alas, the next date was a group date and it was for PV, Raven, and Kristina.
Vanessa meanwhile was all in. She saw a future with this creepy, attention man-whore toadstool who tanked his last three relationships on national television. She cried as she told Nick about her “special feelings.” In a surprise move, Nick didn’t immediately shut down and send her packing the way he did with the last two dumbasses who pretended to have “special feelings” for him.
Instead he recounted his rocky emotional past.
Nick: I’ve done this before, you know? And think maybe this time I might try taking it slow. I mean, I’ve been dumped three times on camera. I kind of want to do the dumping now.
Vanessa: But I’m a Special Ed teacher. And I make pasta with my family every Sunday.
Nick: I like you?
Vanessa: I’m Canadian, you asshat! We don’t just say that shit without expecting reciprocation! Besides, EVERYONE WANTS TO BE CANADIAN NOW!
The date ended but Vanessa’s inappropriate, manufactured feelings did not.
The group date was also on a boat because, Bimini.
PV was “in her element!” A yacht, a hot guy. (Where? Who?) She looked great on a yacht. (According to her) and she’s experienced. Being “experienced” in yacht talk meant getting onboard and immediately taking off your clothes.
Kristina was like “Ew, PV. WTF? But game on, bitch!”
It became battle of the body parts as she too dumped her clothes. Raven was all, “Oh, Jesus take the wheel and turn this mother f’ing whore ship back to the shore!”
Nick on the other hand responded by smearing sunscreen all over Kristina’s inner thigh.
“Don’t want that to get burned.”
Oh, snap! The only thing getting burned was PV! NOT HAPPY! She felt like a third wheel or…something.
Once the boat came to a stop, Nick revealed they would be swimming with sharks.
Raven: You mean Alexis?
Nick: Nope. Real sharks. Because I’M A BIG MAN AND I AIN’T SCARED! Also because no way will ABC let us do anything actually risky.
PV: Are they cute sharks?
Kristina: They can smell blood. And we could die.
Raven: Oh good! Because you’re both scared! So if you both get eaten then there’s a really good chance I’ll get the rose!
Kristina really was scared, had a panic attack, and almost drowned. Nick gets totally turned on by other people’s near death experiences so he rushed to comfort her while PV got pummeled by rogue waves in the sea. She was so confused. Why was Nick paying attention to that panicky, dour Russian girl who couldn’t handle a little shark groping? She felt like she was going to start falling behind. And WTF? Was that a sunburn on her inner thigh?
Post-shark trauma, Nick toasted their survival and whisked Kristina off again. They reminisced about their hard week in St. Thomas, which made Nick start crying again.
“Well, you can’t keep us all,” Kristina reminded him. “Just sayin’.”
PV stuffed bricks of cheese into her face while trying to get Raven to admit how insecure she was.
PV: How are you? Nervous? You must be nervous. You wouldn’t be just sitting there watching me stress eat thirteen pounds of imitation cheddar if you weren’t VERY, VERY INSECURE!
Raven: I’m a little nervous.
PV: Of course you are! Something would be wrong with you if you weren’t.
Raven: Oh there’s plenty wrong with me.
PV: I’m eating my feelings. Look! Insecurity tastes like a johnnycakes and Velveeta! Yum!
After eating enough cheese to guarantee she won’t poop until she’s forty, PV finally got some alone time with Nick. She was willing to do whatever it took to bring Nick home to her nanny. Foreshadowing!
She expressed her concern about not ever getting a one-on-one date and Nick told her that because she was so aggressive, morally bankrupt, and lacked boundaries she didn’t need a stupid one-on-one.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “Anything we would do on a one-on-one we can just do in front of all these people!”
By his own admission, the date rose up for grabs was THE MOST IMPORTANT ROSE EVER. And it went to…Raven?
Her reward for being less gross then the surly Russian orphan and “before ad” for chlamydia medication was another cheesy beach concert from some musician who’s booking agent clearly hated him. It was only slightly better than doing what these two rejects were doing.
Danielle got the last one-on-one date and her and Nick rode off into the sunset on bikes while Danielle’s shorts rode right up her ass. They ate fresh seafood, chocolate cake, played pickup basketball with some local tweens, and exhibited more bad dancing. Those shorts, Danielle! Jesus!
She definitely felt like she was falling for him because “It’s just so easy to be with him!”
Easy? Well sure, I guess NOT TALKING is pretty easy. These two had as much chemistry and Kristina and a school of sharks. Even Nick noticed it so you know it was bad. Danielle on the other hand was clueless. In a last ditch effort to ratchet up the heat, Nick brought up her dead fiance. It totally worked–until Danielle fell asleep.
When she awoke she told Nick how much she cared about him and how open her heart was.
But Nick don’t give out roses to bitches who fall asleep while talking about the dead love of their lives so she was sent home before the appetizers they weren’t going to eat anyway arrived.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “You’re so great and you have that amazing dead fiance story.”
“Not great enough though,” she answered.
She left to pack her things and Nick cried on the shore.
Meanwhile, PV was not taking any chances.
“I would live in a shack with no diamonds. That’s how much I…care about Nick.”
She realized it was time to GET AGGRESSIVE. Like, for real this time. Not that get-topless-on- a-first-date aggressive. Not naked-bouncing-in-an-inflatable-castle aggressive. Not eat-whipped-cream-out-of-her-cleavage aggressive. REALLY AGGRESSIVE.
She dressed like a slutty funeral-goer and headed to Nick’s hotel room to “make sure he was okay.”
“Oh, you’re here,” Nick said, opening the door. “I was going to pour myself a nightcap and have sex with craft services, but you’ll do!”
Next we overheard zippers going south, hushed voices, a massage in progress, and then a man’s voice saying something like, “slow down” and then a woman saying something like, “Oh my F’ing God are you kidding me?!”
“Thanks for checking on me,” Nick said as he walked PV to the door. “I’m good!”
PV was horrified. This was terrible! Her plan backfired! Nick not sleeping with her made PV doubt everything about their fake relationship… and herself. She had never been in a situation where she didn’t have sex with a man she barely knew and it was REALLY SCARY, you guys!
For the first time ever, PV woke up regretting her actions the night before. How dare Nick turn down her platinum vagine? Just wait until she tells her daddy!
Rachel got the last one-on-one date. Nick took her to a place “known for not having tourists” so they must have been damn thrilled when a 32-person camera crew rolled up.
Rachel admitted she never brought home a white guy, but told Nick not to worry.
“It doesn’t matter what color you are,” she said. “They’re gonna hate you regardless.”
Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison sat Nick down to remind him how important tonight was.
Chris: You’re essentially asking if you can go to their hometowns. That’s way more intimate than eating dairy products off of a pair of boobs or rubbing sunscreen on a labia. You get that, right?
Nick: Dude! You think this is my first time or something! Bah ha ha! My first time!
Chris: Oh, right! Ha! What was I thinking! Just trying to get some air time, my friend!
Of course Nick knew how important tonight’s rose ceremony was and therefore he already knew who’s parents he couldn’t fathom facing. He canceled another rose ceremony and cried in Chris’s arms over the fact another great woman was about to go home.
Chris responded like Nick was about to remove his own kidney and throw it in the ocean.
“It’s not gonna be easy man,” he said, rubbing Nick’s back. “Stay strong.”
Nick surprised the girls at their rent-a-house causing them to scatter like cockroaches under a halogen glow. He calmly asked for…Kristina.
Oh, shit! Chris was right. This would not be easy!
Nick: I love you but I’m not in love with you.
Kristina: You didn’t give me a fair chance. Also you are a stupid bastard.
Nick: You deserve someone who can sit here and not say they have four other girlfriends.
Kristina: I know.
Nick: You are amazing.
Kristina: You’re letting me go.
Nick: I’m doing you a favor, dummy.
Kristina: Even in Russia you would be considered doltish. Also you have a tartar problem. Goodbye.
She went inside to be comforted by Nick’s other girlfriends.
Even though there were only four girls left and usually four hometowns, they were convinced Nick was on some wild eviction spree. NO ONE IS SAFE! It remained unclear if anyone other than PV actually wanted Nick to meet their families, but it was clear Nick was shitting a brick.
“If I was someone’s dad, I’d have a lot of questions for me,” he said. “I’m disgusting!”
In the always awesome post-credits scene, Raven and Kristina found PV’s drunk, lifeless body and decorated it with cheese cubes. As detailed in her living will.
Tune in tonight four hours from now to find out if Raquel’s cheesy noodles is really all that!
After a pretty snoozy previous week I was ready for some epic showdowns. While I wouldn’t say there were showdowns, there were definitely “show you the doors,” which is almost as good.
The episode opened with the girls pondering what could possibly have happened in the bayou on the dreaded two-on-one. Did Nick cast PV off to the nearest walk-in clinic or was Taylor forced to seek comfort with her PhD and giant dictionary? WHO WAS GOING HOME?!
Their sad suitcases sat by the front door until the unamed, unspoken production assistant was sent in to fetch them. The girls held their breath as the PA pretended to not know which bag to take, drawing out the agony of suspense for a good three and a half seconds before finally settling on Taylor’s bag. The remaining girls gasped! How the hell did that slimy, stunted boob slip by for another week?
While Nick and PV enjoyed their alone time, Taylor was on the stomp of shame, heading right to the non-restaurant they were dining at. By golly she was determined to use as many big words as she could to let Nick know she was the victim of lies and manipulation. I mean, if Nick sent her packing because she was boring or condescending or lacking any positive personality traits, then FINE. Been there, done that. But she was not a bully!
When Taylor walked in, Nick and PV did a horrible job pretending to be surprised. PV’s drunkeness looked totally authentic though.
PV: What the BLEEEEEEEEEEEP is she doing here?”
Taylor (to PV): You lied.
PV: Uh, duh.
Taylor (to Nick): You were lied to.
Nick: No shit.
Taylor: I care about you as a person. When you’re lied to it’s not respectful. She’s making me look bad. It’s MY job to make me look bad, not hers! How dare she take that away from me!
Nick: Honey, you look so bad right now and it’s all you. I promise!
Taylor: Quit trying to seduce me! It’s over! Open your eyeballs! I’M NOT WEARING A BRA!
Nick: I really appreciate you leaving your undergarments in the bayou and taking the time to tell me this. I have nothing but respect for you and everyone knows I can’t possibly date a woman I respect. Please leave. For real, this time.
PV tried to be a supportive psychopathic trophy wife who pitied her man and those crazy bitches he kept having to fend off, but talking was so icky.
“Let’s make out!” she said, ramming his face into her mouth.”
Later, Nick confessed he still saw potential with PV.
“Oh wait,” he said. “Did I say potential? I meant nipples! Oh ha, sorry! I SEE NIPPLES WITH PV!”
In her confessional, PV slurred something about cats having nine lives, but bitches had two. Was she confusing “lives” with “personalities?” Because if so she’s not giving herself enough credit.
“Don’t ever call me a liar in front my boyfriend!” she screamed.
The girls arrived for the rose ceremony by way of horse drawn carriage, but their giddiness soon soured when a very solemn Chris Harrison told them there would be no pre-ceremony cocktail party.
“Nick knows exactly what he wants to do,” he said.
Jasmine burst into tears because without the cocktail party she wouldn’t have time to tell Nick how she really felt. And lemme tell you, she was feeling PISSED! Why hasn’t she had a one-on-one? Why doesn’t he talk to her? Why hasn’t he proposed to her yet? Why does she have to be the alternate African American girl?
But the Universe loves affirmative action and gave Jasmine a reprieve. Instead Nick sent home Jaime, the drag queen, and Alexis whom I will truly miss.
Jaime said she had no regrets. She’s probably only going to date women after this anyway.
Alexis blamed her ousting on the fact that she wasn’t vulnerable enough. Then she burst out crying.
The remaining girls and Nick toasted the next stop on the Bachelor tour: THE ISLAND OF ST. THOMAS! Nick was super excited because according his calculations, this was the week he would start falling in love.
Kristina the Russian got the first one-on-one date.
As her and Nick took off in a seaplane, the other girls waved and blew kisses. Except Jasmine who was bawling on a street corner.
“It’s hurtful,” she said. “Watching the man you saw your future with take off with someone else.”
Nick was determined to find out everything there was to know about Kristina. He started pestering her, the girl who grew up in an orphanage, about family.
Kristina: I have 9 siblings.
Nick: Wow. So there’s 10 of you?
Kristina: No. Maybe 8.
Nick: So, 9 including you?
Kristina: No. I don’t know. But I have a sister in Russia. Let’s drink!
But Nick really wanted to press on about her life in the orphanage and nail down how many god damn siblings she had and wouldn’t stop until he got Kristina to tell this really heartwarming tale about how one day when she was little she was so hungry she ate lipstick. Then when she was five her mom got mad at her for something and sent Kristina to the orphanage. The end. Or something like that. I was too sad to keep listening. Nick cried big, droopy man tears as he gave her the rose and all the food off his plate, some cash, and a few credit cards. Later a steel drum band played Ave Maria so they could awkwardly sway like white people, under a gazebo.
Back the resort, the conversation was a lot more peppy!
Vanessa: Did you know St. Thomas was once owned by Denmark?
Other girls: No. Wow.
Suddenly there was a knock! Was it a date card? Or Chris Harrison? Or another production assistant to snatch someone’s suitcase? No! It was a maid! PV was ecstatic and immediately began shouting orders at her.
“My dress is wrinkley!
“Do you have any lobster dip?”
“Fix my towel!”
“DO YOU WANT TO COME TO AMERICA WITH ME?”
Jasmine was pissed off because her name was on the group date card. Whitney and one of the Danielle’s would be going on a two-on-one. They were paralyzed with fear.
Nick thought the group date would be a fun, casual day at the beach. They drank, played corn hole, and then he forced the girls to play beach volleyball for his enjoyment. PV, not a team player, was super bored so she left to try out some other sports.
For once the other girls agreed with PV. No one liked volleyball. NO ONE! As the welts rose on the inside of their wrists, that stupid white ball made the girls question EVERYTHING. Why was Nick paying so much attention to PV? Why did he think a good date involved competitive beach sports? WHY WERE THEY ON TV TRYING TO MARRY THIS GUY?
Shit started to get real real. Especially Jasmine’s shit.
“If jasmine were a vegetable she’d be a turnip because she’s turned all the way up.” Good one, Raven. But why would you say that?
Holy shit, Jasmine! Did you just shove PV into the sand? I think I love you!
Rachel and Vanessa were the next ones to hit the proverbial showers. Rachel didn’t feel valued and refused to compete for Nick’s attention. (Rachel? I appreciate the sentiment, but you did sign up for a game show where you compete for some rando’s attention. Just sayin’.) Vanessa thought the whole thing was gross and annoying and too much of a metaphor for her life should she end up with Nick. One by one, the remaining girls went down like the Rum Runners PV had for breakfast. Each girl found her own private swath of sand and cried. Slow clap for Nick’s awesome date?
“I think the idea of having a nice relaxing date might have backfired,” Nick concluded, while peeing in the ocean.
Later, Nick doled out glasses of alcohol and apologized for making everyone play volleyball and cry. During their alone time, each girl told Nick how freakin’ miserable they were and if they didn’t truly believe they had a shot at being the next Bachelorette, they’d have beat feet weeks ago.
Jasmine was a freakin’ ticking time bomb. She was happy to accept glasses of alcohol, but not the fact that Nick didn’t try to spend as much time as possible with her. She wanted to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE because she liked him so much. She won’t shut up about WHAT SHE NEEDS. Nick needs to DO THINGS FOR HER! All the other girls were like, Ho, shut it. We’re all drunk and desperate too. You ain’t special!
Finally Nick pulled her aside for what he thought was some good old-fashioned getting to ho you. But umm, not really.
Jasmine: Why’d you bring me to St. Thomas? I’ve been to St. Thomas. Don’t you dare overlook me!
Nick: To be fair, I didn’t bring you to St. Thomas. ABC did, but…
Jasmine: I love you so much I want to choke your face off.
Jasmine: I ain’t here for vacation! I’m so confused. Why won’t you talk to me?
Nick: Because you’re a bit of a ding a’ ling to be honest and I’m afraid you’re gonna choke my face off.
Jasmine: I like you a lot. I see a future with you. I really do.
Nick: Is that future in the waiting room of a psychotherapist’s office? Because I see that too.
Jasmine: OOOOOOH I JUST WANT TO CHOKE YOU SO BAD!
Nick: Ha ha hahahahhaha
Jasmine: Oh, not in a sexulal way! Don’t worry. In the murdery way!
Nick: Oh good! Hahahahahaha
Jasmine: I just want to throw your ass down and be like UGH!
Nick: Oh! Right! Ugh!
Jasmine: Like this. I want to put you in the chokey!
Nick: Oh it has a name! Cute!
Jasmine: Want me to? I’ll do it right now! Want me to? Huh? WHY ARE YOU OVERLOOKING ME!?
Nick: It’s been super fun but it’s time to say goodbye. Can I walk you out? Can security walk me, walking you out?
Jasmine, having returned to her body from the murderous astral-plane she was visiting moments ago, appeared confused. Wait. Why was he letting her go? Chokey just a jokey!
“He didn’t give me a chance,” she reasoned. “I came here to fall in love with someone. Anyone. Mr. producer, are you single? IS ANYONE SINGLE!”
Nick felt like perhaps he was going in the wrong direction with these women and was beginning to lose confidence in the process. Oh, Nick, now you loose confidence? Not the first time you were dumped at the alter? Or the second? Or when the guy you were dumped for the first time took another girl from you in Paradise? You’re losing confidence now? One might say…oh, what’s the word…FINALLY!
But Nick somehow mustered enough energy to go on his two-on-one date. Like any good two-on-one, this date involved a remote location, a helicopter, and rented patio furniture.
Nick spent two minutes talking to Whitney and three minutes talking to Danielle before deciding he needed to send Whitney home. Or rather, leave Whitney on the deserted beach while he and Danielle flew off in the chopper.
Whitney was perplexed. Instead of using words to find the reasoning, she used her eyes.
The date continued for Danielle and Nick who dined in a fort that was formerly a prison. Moved by all the mason jar votives in this fort-prison, Danielle admitted she could totally see herself falling in love with Nick. Nick pulled a Whitney and used a penetrating stare to communicate, “What the actual F are you talking about, girl?” Not awkward at all. Nope.
Nick: Yeah, so I’m not really into falling in love with anyone tonight. If I was going to do that I’d have chosen Whitney. Did you know she’s a pilates instructor. I mean… HELLO!
Really Nick felt bad because this was the second dumbass to say they were falling for him and he wasn’t feeling the same. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON? Old Nick would have been dumped three times by now!
Nick was struck with a powerful realization that perhaps he’s the problem. Maybe he can’t reciprocate the same kind of love. Maybe he needs to be the dummy who is too available. Maybe, like Ben Higgins, he was unlovable! MY GOD. WAS HE BROKEN?
Nah, he’s fine. Danielle was the problem so he sent her packing. Wait until Whitney sees her at the airport!
As Danielle pondered what the hell just happened, she thought, maybe he’s not perfect. But no. That would be weird. I guess she’ll never know.
When another producer came to fetch Danielle’s suitcase, the girls who remembered to take their laxatives, crapped a chardonnay brick. What the F was going on up in this virginal island? You expect this kind of wonky witchery in NOLA, but here?
No sooner had the wine sloshed out of their goblets and onto their cutoffs, did Nick barge in and start crying.
Ah, go home, Nick, you’re drunk!
He started blubbering about being honest and how he used to be so optimistic and now he’s afraid he’ll mess up every single one of these fake relationships.
“I want it to be real, I want it to be right, I just don’t know if I can keep doing this,” he said.
Seriously, dude, I’m kind of with you. If a superficial douche-bagel like you can’t fake it with a hot pilates instructor, you should probably hang up your Varvatos ties now. But that’s just me.
After Nick made that not-at-all cryptic speech he bolted, leaving the girls in tears and confusion, or for many of them, just another Tuesday night at home.
“HE’S GONE!” Raven shouted.
“OH NO!” The rest of the girls screamed.
TO BE CONTINUED! I yelled.
] Will Nick come back? Will he come to his senses? Does he have senses? Will he toss the remaining 6 girls and get 6 new ones? Is that allowed? And most importantly, will PV don her trusty Carmen Slutdiego trench coat and stilettos and finally consummate her non-relationship with Nick? And then will she bite his head off? I hope so!
Week five of The Bachelor was so uninspiring I thought about not doing a recap. But then what the hell would I do with these 8 pages of notes?
It started off promising. Chris Harrison said we were about to witness, “The most anticipated showdown of the season!” YES! Bring it!
Err…really, Chris? I love ya, buddy, but come on. We’ve both witnessed our fair share of showdowns. You decide.
The Scene: Two women in their early 20’s, basking in the glow of a roaring chimnea, arguing about the definition of emotional intelligence.
Taylor: Lots of girls are questioning your maturity, PV.
PV: Oh, okay, well that makes sense. But maturity is totally different than emotional intelligence.
Taylor: No, it’s not.
PV: I’m marrying a guy I met on TV. How’s that for intelligence! Also, you’re gross.
Taylor: Actually maturity and emotional intelligence go hand in hand.
PV: Unlike you and Nick! He’ll never hold your hand the way he HELD MY BOOBS! Because you’re gross!
Taylor: I can’t argue with you. You’re way too stupid. This is the lamest showdown ever.
PV: No, I’m not! Stop talking like you’re some kind of mental health counselor!
Taylor: I am a mental health counselor.
PV: Yeah, a gross one! I want to know what yerrrrrrrrrr…perspective on emotional intelligence is.
Taylor: That’s what I’ve been telling you.
PV: Ugh! I can’t believe people pay you for advice!
Taylor: That’s not what I do actually.
PV: BECAUSE YOU’RE THE GROSSEST!!! And you don’t say hi to people! When you see someone in the kitchen and then in the bathroom, you should say hi again!
Taylor: That’s just dumb!
PV: So you do admit you genuinely ignore people! I knew it! I’m gonna school you!
PV didn’t so much as school Taylor as ran to Nick telling him what a big, gross bully Taylor was.
“I’m not going to be fake or a liar right now,” she said. (Always a good opening.) Then pretended to be hurt because Taylor “isn’t nice” and “ignores people.” Also PV was really worried about Nick.
“She’s rude, Nick. About…things. And she feels very…oh what’s that word they keep using to describe me…umm…oh! Entitled! She’s totally not here for the right reasons.”
Nick appreciated her candidness and encouraged her to continue showing that maturity. And by maturity he meant, boobs. Duh.
Nick thanked the girls for standing outside, in winter, in the midwest, in sequined thongs and having “honest conversations.” He left them with a swath of blanket to fight over while he ran off to deliberate who would still be in the running to be the third woman he proposed to on national TV.
PV was confident the Taylor ship had been cast from Nick’s manscaped shores.
“Hashtag winning!” she gloated.
Hashtag shut the hell up, PV!
Kristina, the Russian hygienist was not impressed with petty squabbling.
“Both those bitches should go home,” she said. “Or return to the barn and fight to the death like we do in my country.”
As the roses were doled out, we saw girls await their names with increasing discomfort. Was it the fear Nick would send them home or how painful it is to have cold sequins pressed into your lady parts. With only two roses and four girls left, including Taylor and PV, THE STAKES WERE NEVER HIGHER. My goodness, who will get those last two roses? I’ll tell you. PV got the second to last rose because Nick will not be satisfied until he has all the STDs. And of course Taylor was apathetically offered the last rose. NO WAY!
Astrid and Sarah were sent packing. Astrid was like, “Later, dude!” but Sarah was super disappointed. Love was the only thing she wanted in her life and the only thing she couldn’t get. “HOW DO I GET LOVE?????” she sobbed.
Umm, like that, Sarah. Just like that. You cry your guts out to a production crew who gets cash bonuses for making girls like you cry, while wearing a T.J. Maxx evening gown with the tags still attached, in front of a rented California mansion about a “relationship” that wouldn’t last longer than a peeled banana on a kitchen counter. You look totally desirable right now! HASHTAG WINNING!
Post-ceremony Nick announced the whirlwind adventure would continuing in New Orleans, which scared the holy shit out of Raven.
“What if someone buys a voodoo doll or something?!”
As the girls settled into their new penthouse digs, Chris Harrison arrived to lay out the week’s date plan.
One one-on-one date!
One group date!
The dreaded two-on-one date!
Oh! Maybe that would be the most anticipated showdown?
Rachel and Nick’s one-on-one kicked off at an outdoor market where vendors schlepped petrified gator heads and amethyst pendants– the perfect backdrop for the heavy making-out that took place there. But things didn’t heat up fast enough for Nick who is used to girls just handing him their bare boobs first six seconds into a date so he shoved an oyster down poor Rachel’s face. Next they sampled hot sauce and had another make-out session. Something worked because Nick declared they had the most “explosive chemistry.” I’m pretty sure he was talking about diarrhea.
Later they cooled things off by rubbing beignets all over their bodies. Never having had one before Nick thought the proper way to eat it was to fill his man pores with powder sugar and try to suck it back out with his tongue.
Then they jumped in a Second Line– a traditional New Orleans parade–for a little booty shaking and pavement twerking.
“This is so fun!” Rachel gushed. “I haven’t danced in a second line since I was here for a funeral two months ago!”
The other girls could see the explosive chemistry from their penthouse window and it made Jasmine sad. It’s clear Nick only needs to keep one African American girl to not look like a total racist and clearly it wasn’t going to be her. At least she’d be able to take some high quality toiletries with her when she inevitably goes.
After a bit more white boy dancing and day drinking, Rachel revealed a sideboob and the fact she was on the best date of her life. And then Nick escorted her to an abandoned Mardi Gras float warehouse for dinner. Totally not creepy AT ALL!
Rachel talked about her dad who happened to be a federal judge.
“So he’s, like, intimidating?” Nick asked.
“He can be.”
“Ew. Do I have to call him sir?”
Back at the penthouse, the girls anxiously awaited the group date card because if your name ain’t on it, to the Thunderdome you go! I bet you have NO IDEA WHO THE TWO IDIOTS GOING ON THE TWO-ON-ONE DATE COULD BE, DO YOU?!
But first we must suffer through an incredibly boring group date at a haunted plantation house. Here’s another dramatic reenactment:
Boo (the caretaker): Our house is haunted by Mae, an 8 year-old girl who died of scarlet fever. Please don’t touch her stuff. Especially not her doll. Okay, thanks!
Raven: Oh hell no! Little Ghost Girl, I rebuke you in the same of Jesus! GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!
Jasmine: I have no time for greedy spirits. Bitch, no one wants your damn doll! But if you have any of those beignets I tasted in Nick’s beard, it’s game on!
Girl 1: Oh look, a ouija board!
Girl 2: Yay! Let’s ask it questions!
Girl 3: Will Nick get engaged soon?
Girl 4: Who is having a herpes outbreak RIGHT NOW?
Girl 5: Is Mae with us?
All the girls: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!
And then a whole bunch of fake, scary things happened including Nick spiriting each girl away and making out with them on the lawn. He made it a point to spend a little extra time ramming his tongue down one of the Danielle’s faces because he was pretty sure he liked her a few weeks ago, but couldn’t remember a damn thing about her.
I couldn’t either.
And then a darling little scene happened between Raven and Nick:
Raven: I just knew I was in love with you when you sang that song from The Little Mermaid!
Nick: Uh…uh…did I? That’s…interesting.
The questionable Danielle got the date rose. No one cared.
Back at hotel PV was getting into the “right mindset” for her cagematch.
“She thinks she’s smarter than me,” PV snarled, while shoving $600 worth of room service into her face. “She’s so stupid.”
Rachel entertained herself by pretending to care what happened to either girl.
Rachel: Just be confident. Or whatever. I really don’t care. Bitches be bitches.
PV: I just hope Nick sees my golden heart.
Rachel: And your platinum vagine?
PV: Oh, girl, he’s seen that. You wanna?
And then for no reason other than she really wants me to track her down and give her a good, old throat punch, PV shouted, “MAKE AMERICA CORINE AGAIN!”
The dreaded two-on-one date took place at an alligator-infested bayou where one girl would become gator feed and the other would leave with Nick. You decide who the real loser is.
Taylor’s game plan was to treat the date like a one-on-one with a small side of PV.
“If he actually picks her, umm, ew,” she said. “He’s obviously thinking with his BLEEEEEEEEP.”
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ARE A MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR AND YOU JUST REALIZED THIS! Jeesh. Maybe PV was right.
They departed on a tiny, tippable boat helmed by the by-product of a Duck Dynasty and Alaskan Bush People reality show love child.
On shore they nearly stepped on a spine (yes, a spine) before jumping into a voodoo ceremony straight out of American Horror Story. Here they met a real life voodoo priestess who took one look at Nick and decided there wasn’t enough chicken blood and sage in the world to cleanse that under-aura.
“Get ready to be revealed,” the priestess said.
PV shouted, “READY!” and took off her shirt.
The priestess escorted them to a psychic set up at a tiny IKEA bistro table perched upon some animal carcuses and poison ivy. The producers went all out for this one.
Taylor had the first reading.
“There is someone around you who is very nasty, lots of toxic energy, kind of a ho?” said the reader said. “You know anyone like that?”
No disrespect to the psychic arts, but can I get a big NO SHIT, SVENGALI! Do you watch the show or did you get a whiff of the ol’ penicillin villain over there?
Meanwhile Nick was pulling bugs out of PV’s hair extensions while she whined about the “situation” in the house.
PV: She emotionally attacked me. She said I was immature! She called me stupid!
Nick: But honey, you are all of those things.”
PV: Oh, I know, but I also have a nanny who makes me cheesy pasta and can cut my cucumbers like tiny matchsticks. I mean, how freakin’ cool is that? You want my cucumber matchsticks, Nick. You want them real bad.
When it was PV’s turn with the psychic she tried real hard to feign interest, but readings–psychic or otherwise–aren’t really her jam.
Psychic: Girl, something reeks like dirty alligator swampiness and lemme tell you, it ain’t the dirty alligator swamp.
PV: Probably that gross bitch, Taylor.
Psychic: OMG, you’re dumb as a petrified alligator turd. Back away from my cheapass bistro table before I snap one of these legs and beat you with it. Any questions?”
PV: Yes. Do you have a voodoo doll I could have? One that looks a lot like Taylor?
Psychic: I do! Enjoy!
Taylor rejoined PV at the bistro table while Nick presumably deliberated.
Taylor: I can’t believe you used your time with Nick to rat me out.
PV: Do you by chance have a sharp pain anywhere near your heart right now?
Taylor: You can’t have a relationship based on whipped cream and lies.
PV: How are you possibly a mental health counselor?
Taylor: How can you possibly run a multi-million dollar company?
PV: Once again, I have a nanny, ya dumbass! I don’t do shit!
Nick sat down and lamented about what a hard choice this was having to choose between an intelligent, educated (albeit annoying) woman with a PhD and a girl-woman bimbo whose boobs have had more screentime than a toddler on a cross-country flight.
Of course Nick handed the rose to PV. I mean, OF COURSE! Jesus, Nick. I just can’t even…
Taylor was so grossed out she didn’t even notice Nick, PV, PV’s voodoo doll and the scary boat skipper took off down the bayou without her. A-ho, Matey!
Several hours later, the psychic came back to pack up her table and tell Taylor to get the hell out of here. It was nighttime but thankfully voodoo cleansing rituals require a lot of fire because the priestesses were super easy to spot in the dead of night. Taylor threw herself into the middle of their circle and received a complimentary soul cleansing complete with a smokey sage bath and tambourines clanging in her face. Her confidence rose like a phoenix from the ashes. She was a water sign, dammit! She was emotionally intelligent! She won’t go home without speaking her piece!
So was this going to be the most anticipated showdown of the season? I’m so confused.
Back on the mainland, PV and Nick enjoyed a candlelit dinner in a location definitely not a restaurant. PV was so happy the negative energy was gone and apparently didn’t need a bunch of voodoo priestesses to banish it.
PV: I’m so glad we’re alone! I’m so glad you trust me. I’m glad I showed my boobs on TV. And I’m glad we’re alone!
Nick: Boobs are great!
PV: I’m so glad we’re alone! Why do the producers keep making me say that?
Cut to a freshly minted, but still furious Taylor stomping along the sidewalk. Hell hath no fury like a woman abandoned in a bayou. Her chakras are clean and mean and done with peen (yes, I had to. #sorrynotsorry.) Nick was about to get an over-articulated, multisyllabic dressing down from Thesaurus Rex.
THIS must be the most anticipated showdown of the season! But wait– to be continued! YOU RAT BASTARDS!
Good thing you only have to wait a few hours for the next episode. See? I did you solid by being 6 days late with this recap.
Will Week 6 be the end of PV? Will Taylor say anything Nick actually understands? Will anyone wear a cardboard Nicolas Cage mask? Oh come on! Like that would happen!
Oh man, it’s going to be so sad when the producers finally let Nick send PV home. But until then…
Episode 4 opened with the girls talking smack about PV. She’s immature, she travels with her own portable bouncy house. She’s not ready to be a wife. She doesn’t even know how to make toast.
But where was she?
Then there was Vanessa begging Nick for validation. Does he like her or does he like PV? Because clearly he can’t like them both. I mean, do you like syphilis and stupidity or…not?
“Imma gonna shove this rose up your ass if you’re wasting my time,” Vanessa declared.
“Or you could just keep it to smack me with when I’m being all dumb and shit,” Nick offered.
Vanessa walked away confident that Nick wasn’t buying the anti-PV propaganda she was selling.
Oh girl, have you never watched this damn show? The villain doesn’t leave before Week 5! Smack him!
Frustrated by the lack of dry heaving and bare breasts in the house, two of the girls went to wake up PV and drag her ass downstairs.
“Huh, what?” PV asked all rumpled and confused. “Is it a school day? I don’t wanna go, Raquel!”
“You’re entitled! You’re privileged! You’re selfish! Now come downstairs and hang out with us!”
PV didn’t know if those were good adjectives or bad adjectives, but erred on the side of people seemed to really despise her.
“I ain’t entitled, bitches! I’m goddamn shitfaced! Can’t you tell the difference between an overindulged brat princess and a drunk chick? Girls are such haters!”
Just before roses were handed out, Nick thanked the girls for being so patient and open with him.
“I appreciate each and every one of you telling me what a crusty, immature, incompentent, spoiled baby ho-bag PV is, but she’s totally getting a rose this week! Good night, bitches!”
For whatever reason everyone except ALL OF AMERICA was shocked.
“She’s just a physical connection,” one of them blathered.
“What the hell does he want in a partner?” another questioned.
Ladies, lemme explain those things for you:
She’s just a physical connection: Duh.
What the hell does he want in a partner? See above.
Eliminated Crying Girl in Red Dress #1 bawled in the driveway. She was so ready to fall in love, dammit! Now what????????????
Eliminated Crying Girl in Red Dress #2 had been single for so long and now she was convinced she’ll never find love. I mean, if you can’t find it here, you can’t find it anywhere. And to think she used to make fun of girls who cried on this dumb show!
As the remaining girls and Nick brought it in for a big, sleazy group hug, PV took the opportunity to make an awkward toast.
“Hiiiiiiiiiii! I’m just so happy to be there! Amazing opportunity to find love and we all deserve it! Cheers, bitches!”
Really she was just excited to have another week of makeout sessions with Nick.
“Come and get it, Nick!” she screamed. And then she bit the head off her rose. No joke. I shit you not. Bit. The. Head. Off. A. Rose.
The girls couldn’t figure out how PV skated through another week and speculated it must be because Nick’s only keeping girls with whom he has potential. Hmm…interesting hypothesis, ladies. Next you’ll spend your days building a robotic laboratory and launching it into space.
The next day Chris Harrison arrived with exciting news. They were about to embark on a journey around the globe!
“Pack your booty shorts and Vagisil! You’re going to Milwaukee!”
What? Milwaukee’s on a globe.
It also happened to be Nick’s hometown (give or take 75 miles) so the girls were beside themselves at the thought of being the third TV-found girlfriend he brought home to his parents.
And speaking of parents, Nick met those sweet, normal, beaten down people at a local coffee shop where his mom burst out crying at the sight of him and his dad made Nick promise this will be the last goddamn time he tries to find a wife on a stupid ass TV show.
“Aren’t there any chat rooms you could hang out in? Or a nice Coyote Ugly waitress with low self-esteem? We really don’t want to see you on this show again.”
“It’s totally different this time, Dad!” Nick explained. “Some of these girls come with their own nanny! And I’ve already touched like 17 ½ bare breasts!”
And then Nick cried because they were making him so sad.
Danielle L. got the first one-on-one date and wow, what a treat! Nick dragged her around his hometown showing her sites like the library where he made-out with girls and the hill where he had a lot of “firsts.”
Their wholesome adventure continued at a bakery where they decorated cookies in their image and used their tongues to smear frosting all over each other’s faces.
As luck would have it they ran into one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends. NO WAY! And because things weren’t scripted and contrived enough, Nick was all like, “Let’s totally hang out with her!”
Amber, the ex, gave Danielle advice. “He’s like…heart driven…you know? That’s what everyone is missing.”
Right. Totes. Heart driven. What everyone’s missing. So weird that it didn’t work out between you two. Later, Amber!
Nick thought Danielle L. was super nice, but just knew there was more to see. Fortunately, at dinner she forgot to wear a shirt so Nick could see exactly what it was.
She credited her parent’s messy divorce with why she won’t rush into relationships– unless it’s on TV. Then it’s game on! They ended the night in what looked like a school auditorium watching some guy sing while people cheered at them. Much making-out ensued.
The group date card arrived. It read: Say Cheese
Hmm, this was a stumper! Why cheese? What does that have to do with Wisconsin? Everyone’s name but Raven’s was on the card meaning God’s Favorite Goth Girl would be going on a one-on-one.
The teats were out in full force as the girls donned their finest heels and infinity scarves to meet Nick at a dairy farm. Oh!!! Cheese!!! I get it!!! There they shoveled poop, fed cows, marveled at how smelly a farm is, and watched Nick bottle feed a baby cow.
“It’s so wonderful to see!” They gushed as they fantasized about Nick being an absentee father they spend a decade arguing with in family court.
PV begged to differ. This was not her scene. There were flies everywhere and no nanny to swat them away. She didn’t want to do chores! Especially farm chores! She wouldn’t even make Raquel do farm chores!
Nick attempted to milk a cow, but got schooled in the whole, “this is how you touch a teat” business by the one-time lesbian, Jaime.
PV could not escape the poop. It was everywhere!
“Poop poop here. A poop poop there! There a poop, here a poop, everywhere a poop poop! Wah! I need sushi!”
Her fingers hurt from holding a device commonly used for manual labor so she had to go find a nice, comfy rock and take a sit down. Look, she respected the other girls for shoveling shit, but that ain’t her jam. And she had a serious hand situation going on. She couldn’t move her finger!
Girls called (cow?)bullshit and later PV overheard them talking about how sick of talking about her they were.
Inspired by her trip to the farm, PV ran off and compared herself to an ear of corn.
“Peel back that silky husk and see my little golden pellets of…information. Juicy, buttery information. You want to get to that corn. NICK NEEDS THAT CORN!”
Buoyed by the juicy, buttery information popping up inside of her, PV decided it was time to get wasted, take a power nap, and put an end to this bitter back talk.
“They think I’m just a bubbly little dumbo,” she said. “But I’m not! I know what’s going on! Bartender!”
She gathered the girls together and admitted she might not be everyone’s favorite, but if she did something to offend them then by all means tell her.
Okay, then! It was clucking cacophony as the hens rushed to tell PV how offensive she was.
“You’re not genuinely ready to marry a 36 year-old man!”
“Did you really lug that bouncy castle all the way here? Because those things are heavy!”
“You rubbed your bare boobs all over Nick’s chest! You probably gave him some disgusting STD like hives or eczema or an ingrown chest hair!”
“You can NOT nap through a rose ceremony! It’s the law!”
Taylor, the mental health counselor who is clearly infiltrating these women as part of some interactive PhD thesis, called her immature to which PV countered: Do you call these immature!”
PV was appalled at the stupidity and ignorance and pettiness of her fellow wives-to-be. These bitches were pissed off over a little shut-eye and minor sexual assault in a bouncy castle? Please.
“I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking a nap,” PV said. “MICHAEL JORDAN TOOK A NAP! ABRAHAM LINCOLN TOOK A NAP!”
Besides, it apparently was a very stressful week around Bachelor Mansion so she needed her bouncy castle to decompress. She was having a panic attack, okay?
Nope. Not okay. The hens started shrieking again, which somehow comforted PV and made her believe everything was okay. Even though she loved everyone again, she still wanted to tell Nick how mean and dumb and poopie they were being to her. Nick listened, nodded along, but for inexplicable reasons other than she had a visible cold sore, didn’t kiss her.
“That’s okay,” PV claimed. “We had more of an adult conversation tonight. No time for kissing.”
Kristina, the Russian hygienist, got the date rose.
Raven got the stupidest one-on-one date in Bachelor history, but she was too dumb to notice. “If I could choose to have a one-on-one anywhere in the world it would here!”
Really, Raven? A Milwaukee suburb is your dream date locale?
They pop by Nick’s little sister’s soccer game where– surprise!– they run into Nick’s sad parents. They took one look at Raven and were forced to imagine stuffing Christmas stockings with black eyeliner and ichthys-adorned socks and started crying again. Whatever happened to that sweet Amber girl?
The date continued its downward spiral at a roller rink where they shot the duck and flew the camel with a bunch of twelve year-olds.
At dinner, Raven talked about her last serious relationship, which ended when she discovered her boyfriend in bed with another woman.
“You walked in while they were…doing it?” Nick asked.
“Like I know what her vagina looks like,” Raven said.
“Oh man, sorry. Isn’t there a Super 8 in your hometown? That dumbass should have been more careful.”
“…and then I bashed his head in with that whore’s stilleto. The end. Pass the bread basket please!”
Nick found Raven “interesting” and “sassy,” both common adjectives used when describing a psychopath. Noting the height and pointiness of her shoes and the softness of his skull, Nick handed Raven the date rose and spent the rest of the date rocking back and forth in the arms of a PA.
The rose ceremony was held in a freezing barn outfitted with only one 17 inch swatch of blanket. Danielle L., that whore, and her rose immediately squirreled Nick away, causing the other girls to question her integrity, loyalty, motives, natural hair color, mother’s maiden name, and tolerance to gluten. Hoes before roses, bitch!
Taylor, with no shits left to give, sparred with PV before running off to interrupt Danielle L. and Nick.
PV and a drag queen– wait, nope, that was Josephine– talked about how disgusting Taylor was what with all those degrees and covered up body parts. Clearly Taylor wasn’t here for the right reasons. If she were, she’d be taking advantage of all this free food.
After shoving 34 chicken nuggets and a bowl of spinach artichoke dip into her tyrannosaurus-esque maw, Josephine channeled PV’s nanny and gently reminded her to chew her food.
Full up on deep fried courage, PV took Taylor outside to yell at her.
And now, a drama in one-act:
PV: They way you’re treating me is disgusting and really mean.
Taylor: You have Velveeta on your lip.
PV: I hate you.
Taylor: Well, your feelings will get hurt if you keep asking people to tell you why they think you suck.
PV: Why do you think I suck?
Taylor: You’re too young and immature. And you have a nanny. Oh, and you’re dumb. And lack emotional intelligence
PV: Ha! Emotions aren’t intelligent! Who lacks intelligence now, ya dummy?
Taylor: It’s a thing.
PV: Well, you’re playing Miss Proper. So there.
Taylor: I’m not. I’m just way smarter than you.
PV: I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE! Like LITERALLY punch you in your FACE!
Aw, crap, that’s where it ended! Well sort of. You’ve got to keep watching past the previews to get these fabulous outtakes of Nick and Alexis. In this episode, Alexis confessed the two things she’s most afraid of: Nicolas Cage and aliens.
“Do you think any of the girls here might be aliens?” Nick asked.
Alexis pondered this thoughtfully before nodding. “Raven.”
Shit’s getting real at Bachelor Mansion! The gloves are off. And if you’re PV or Danielle L., probably your shirt is too.