¿Dónde Está My Weave?

Have I told you lately how much I love writing this Mother Rose Best column for In the Powder Room? Even more so, I love having a “reason” to watch The Bachelor. It’s not because I want to and would totally be watching it anyway. It’s because I have to. I’m writing a column about it. Ahem…

The latest installment  ¿Dónde Está My Weave?, is just itching like a bad rash for you read and share.

Enjoy! And umm, maybe get some ointment for that itch?

Meow, Sex Panther!

Come on. How can you not read something called, Sex Panther? You know you want to.

Head on over to In the Powder Room for my latest Mother Rose Best column. Have I told you how much fun I’m having with this? I am! To think I used to watch this purely for the drama, cat fights, and ego-inflating meltdowns. There’s pure parenting gold in them hills!

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The Bachelor, Ep. 3 Recap

We open with the girls lounging around their mansion, sipping bevvies and talking trash. Word has it Olivia dropped $40,000 on her wardrobe. What what?! The girls pondered her inner workings and came to the very astute realization is that she’s not a nice person but “knows how to not look bad in front of the cameras.”

My friends—there be geniuses among us.

Meanwhile Olivia used her one-on-one time with the cameras to repeat her wanton desire to hold Ben’s hand. And kiss him. And become Mrs. Ben Higgins or at least French kiss him. Yes, French kissing would do nicely.

Chris Harrison showed up and the girls half-assed tried to not look disappointed. He noticed the air is “different.” It’s getting “heavy” up in here. He dropped off the date card, letting the girls know this week would be a little different. There would one group date and be two one-on-ones, the first going to Lauren B.

Jubilee shot her a dirty look. Lauren B. bats her freakishly long lashes in disbelief. Cut to a shot of her applying mascara to her freaky long lashes. I expect they have their own Twitter account by now.

When Ben showed up, he and Lauren spent considerable time marveling at the fact they are both wearing shades of blue. I mean, eHarmony couldn’t have paired them better. This color-matching must be science.

They cruised down the highway in a convertible, which Lauren pretended to enjoy but, like any girl who spent four hours curling her hair and applying mascara to freakishly long eyelashes, was really pissed about.

They spotted an enormous sign for an airport and Lauren asked, “Are we going to an airport right now?”

See? Geniuses.

A bi-plane was ready to take them on a romantic, nausea-inducing tour over the Bachelor mansion. Lauren was full of nerves which is to be expected from a flight attendant. But fear not.  Shortly after take off, she disclosed that, “flying in the clouds with Ben takes the nerves away.” Good to know Ben’s limp arm around a shoulder can accomplish what years of experience and flight simulator training can not. (And yes, I know a bi-plane is different than a 747 but still. She was a little dramatic.)

As they make-out (how could they not in that tiny airplane seat) I noticed Ben’s little bracelet that says, “Hope.” Aw, Ben, that’s cute. Now can you please give that back to the American Girl doll you stole it from? This guys is getting hokier and less charming by the millisecond.

Between the hot tub that magically appeared in the desert and the surprise private concert from a country singer I never heard of, Ben and Lauren discussed her trust issues (which surely will be solved by dating a man alongside 28 other women on national TV) and how she just wanted a simple life. Ben, a simple guy who would give his charm bracelet wearing left arm for a trip back to high school, was clearly smitten and couldn’t believe no one had snatched her up yet.

“I’m picky,” she explained.

That and she wants a guy just like her dad.

Lauren 100% believes she can fall in love with Ben and said she’ll remember this date for the rest of her life. If you have a TV with a DVR then yep, you will!

Meanwhile, back at the house there’s some blubbering.

“There are other women here!” Thanks, Caila, another freakin’ genius.

“Ben likes goody-goody soccer moms and that’s so not me!” Jubilee, badass war veteran who can break your face just by flexing, noticed. She is not wrong on either account.

A bunch of girls realized “it’s hard to have an open heart when you can see it getting broken” which is why most people don’t have their bumbling quest for love immortalized for all of eternity to mock, judge, and re-cap three days late on the internet (which unlike whatever union this show ends with is forever.) Through her tears, Caila, determined that it would be worth it.

The group date card arrived revealing Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Lace, Emily, and some chick named Rachel I swear I’ve never seen before. “Love is the Goal” the card read which sends the room into madness and speculation and a cloud of hairspray.

They arrived at the L.A. Coliseum and are met by two women from the U.S. Nationals team, Chris Harrison in soccer garb, and Ben in a blue workout shirt that makes the girls dizzy with lust. Ben said he’s looking at how they “interact with a team” which in theory meant none of them will get a rose.

The girls claimed to have never played soccer before which everyone finds totally shocking until we actually saw them play. Picture kittens, high on ether, trying to chase a laser pointer, while scotch taped to one another. The kittens would fall down less.

Olivia, no surprise, said it’s all about winning (duh.)  And Ben was the prize (no shit?) Oh and she’s competitive. (You don’t say?)

Lauren H. said it’s “NOT JUST A GAME!” which is a bit surprising coming from a kindergarten teacher where pretty much everything he does is in fact a game. (I said, COME OVER, RED ROVER! You think this just a game?!)

Girls broke up into two teams, stars and stripes. Losers will go home, winners will get to carry on with Ben and a platter of Hors d’oeuvres that will remain untouched. Olivia and Lace were on the same team so I’m totally rooting for them to win.

A newborn had better dexterity than these jokers but I will say Twin 1, Emily, was a pretty good goalie which is weird for a girl who probably never blocked a ball coming at her in her life. (Yeah, I said it. No, I don’t have anything to back that up, but I said it.)

Rachel wants to show Ben what a trooper she is so she gets injured, rolls around on the grass for a while, and then rejoined the game. Jami needed some one-on-one time real bad, which was evident by the way she bulldozed the other girls and came out looking like the “before” on a Tide commercial. Her team won so it was not all in vain.

The losers walked home, except Rachel who was carried by Shushanna.

“DOOR!” she yelled, walking up the cobblestone path.

The Stars have a good cry and drink their supper.

The winners’ date continued on a rooftop where they toasted to their successful rout over the Stars. As Ben was stating how important it was to talk to each of them, Olivia interrupted and asked to “Steal him away.” Look bitches, Olivia didn’t blow a downpayment on a house on a wardrobe full of sequins just to sit on a couch sipping her water. (Water!?) 

It took all of two and a half seconds for the gossip and behind-the-back talking to begin.

“She’s so aggressive!” (From Lace, so, umm, there you go.)

“She’s got fake books!”

“Her breath is horrible!”

“She’s got fat toes!”

Wait, what?

“I noticed that too!” the other girls squealed. “EW!”

Jami was torn. While she also noticed Olivia’s husky toes, she clearly felt bad saying so. The best thing to do would be let Olivia know h

Alone with Ben, Olivia took the opportunity to tell him how much she missed him. Like misses him all the time. She then went on to ponder why all the other girls find her so intimating.

“I don’t think I am,” she said in her defense.

Well, then you’re not, Olivia! Fair enough! And for the record, I don’t think you are either. You are more annoying than wet sleeves, but definitely not intimidating. 

When Olivia returned Jami pulled her aside to let her know her physical flaws were being picked apart like a hot loaf of monkey bread.

“They were making fun of my cankles, weren’t they?” Olivia asked.

“Umm, no,” said Jami.

“My calves?”

“Nope.”

“Tell me what they said,” Olivia cajoled, truly perplexed.

“They were making fun of your toes…”

“My toes…interesting.”

Later, in her confessional, Olivia admitted that she does in fact have fat toes. And cankles. And yeah, she’s aggressive. So sue her.

“Perfection is lame.”

Lace was melancholy. She admitted to the camera that she “puts up a wall” when she feels uncomfortable. And by “puts up a wall” she meant “drink until she bitches out and starts referring to herself in the third person.”

Amber was hoping two times will be the charm because if you keep appearing on The Bachelor and keep getting rejected… well, that would just be plain embarrassing. After some awkward, hands-free kissing, Ben gave her the immunity rose. This made Olivia sad but she understood. Ben couldn’t give her a rose every time. She’s reassured of his true feelings because they no longer need words to communicate. When he stood up, he “pushed off on her leg.”

“That was a sign!” she explained! Because you know, he does things like that for her and no one else.

One more one-on-one date was up for grabs and to everyone’s surprise it went to Jubilee. How did she respond? I’m not sure as there was nothing but a long BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP and a bunch of girls mean-mugging.

Date card read: Love is in the air.

Even though we’re only on week 3, the girls are wasting no time getting pissed off and letting their green show. Jojo looked like she might shove Jubilee in a compost bin. I’d like to remind her this woman survived Boot Camp.

Jubilee is stone cold surprised she got this one-on-one because she was convinced Ben liked the princess type. She worried about coming across as socially awkward as is apparently the norm when she is with someone she cared about. The other girls noticed her awkwardness and moved on from Olivia’s chunky toes to speculating about how nervous Ben must make Jubilee.

Ben arrived to pick her up twenty-minutes late. She called him out, clearly joking, and played it off like she wasn’t excited. The other girls pounce on her apathy like an Olivia kitten on Ben’s cat-nip covered mouth.

“That is, like, so disrespectful,” they scolded.

Ben exchanged his convertible for a helicopter which landed in the driveway. All the girls rushed out to greet it looking like the Munchkins when they first laid eyes on Dorothy.

Jubilee, untrue to her name, was not pleased to see her transport. She admitted to being afraid of heights.

“Anyone else want to go on this date?” she asked, again, clearly joking.

The girls were totally offended on Ben’s behalf. How rude! Caila doesn’t think she appreciated the date and would gladly take over. The speculated about the last time Jubilee must have gone on a date and felt awful for Ben having to sit in that “little box in the sky until it was over.”

Jubilee got over her fear of heights when she spied a mini castle in the distance. They landed at Cal-a-Vie health spa otherwise known as the most beautiful freakin’ place in the world. I would go on a date with Olivia’s big, fat toe to this place.

They kicked things off with some delicacies such as caviar. Olivia took a big bite and immediately said, “Nope. Oh hell no” and spit it back up in a napkin. She said she was adventurous, but not with food. Or heights. Or new social situations. But hot dogs– yes. The girl loves her hot dogs.

After that disclosure, Jubilee promised to “throw all her different sides at Ben,” and hoped he could handle it.

Ben was intrigued. Jubilee made him blush. She called him a white boy. She told him he needed to loosen up. When he laughed, she was convinced he might be the first person who “got her.” 

Jubilee’s had some bad shit go down in her past. She, like Ben, also feared she’s unlovable but unlike Ben who grew up with a nice, loving family, Jubilee’s entire family is dead.

Ben admitted he likes the person she is and can see himself falling in love her. Cut to a close up of her uneaten steak, which I’m sure is symbolism but I’m not sure for what.

When the girls woke up in the morning, they were shocked– shocked I tell you– to find Jubilee asleep in her bed.

The Rose Ceremony was chockful of tension and that was before Ben announced two people he really cared about just died in a plane crash. Yikes. As the girls responded with the appropriate level of sadness and thoughts on how they could best use this news to their advantage, Olivia jumped up and asked permission to grab him away. “I’ll lead the way!”

Expecting comfort, or at a minimum, “Gee, I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Do you want to talk about it?” Olivia immediately launched in with how much she hated her cankles.

“Sorry,” she said. “I try to be strong, but I just hate my body from the waist down.”

The struggle is real, people.

The other girls looked sad and proved it by talking about how they want to comfort Ben. Whenever Jubilee is within eight inches, the gaggle scattered, all of them fleeing for their lipglosses.

F it, Jubilee thought. She pulls Ben aside to a nice tented, candle-filled corner and gave him a massage. Ben was all about this action and was all like, “Finally! Jeez!”

But this didn’t sit right with the other girls. Everyone knows the code. If you have a rose, you sit the heck down and let a rose-less girl spend time with The Bachelor. The sight of Jubilee rubbing on Ben made them lose their shit. Like the kind of lost shit that made one audition for a reality TV show to find true love. Becca the Virgin was horrified.

“She’s rubbing his body!”

Umm, yeah, Becca, dear, that’s called massage.

Jami took the girls’ bait and went to break it up. Ben was delighted to see her so he could blather on about how awesome Jubilee’s massage was.

“It was incredible,” he said. “It’s my most favorite thing ever.”

Amber decided Jubilee needed to “talk to the other girls” about what she had done.

“Oh hell, no,” Jubilee said. “I’m not going to girl chat!”

But the Salem Witches would not let it go. They were determined to round up Jubilee and make her pay for her rubby-rubby sins. Eventually she caved (again, she survived Boot Camp but can’t handle these bitches?) and Ben found her rocking back and forth, sobbing on the edge of the bath tub.

While he was off comforting Jubilee, Lace talked herself into the fact that she wouldn’t be getting a rose because she hadn’t had any face time with Ben. Yeah, Lace, that’s why. 

“It’s all such a joke,” she said, not laughing. Not laughing at all.

But Amber wouldn’t let it go and joined Ben and Jubilee on the edge of the bathtub. She was very pissed off and firmly believed Jubilee must know how TELLING A JOKE hurt the other girls .

Ben asked to share his thoughts which took the girls by surprise. They looked at him like, You still here? You have thoughts?

He said he liked that Jubilee doesn’t walk on eggshells and told her not to doubt their great date yesterday.

Ben thinks emotions are getting to them and declared, “The drama is over!”

Oh, Ben…

Just as he was about to sit down, Lace came over and asked for a word.

Yes! I knew she wouldn’t let me down!

Caila looked on and concluded Lace appeared to have reached the end of her “dynamite stick.”

Oh, shove it Caila. At least she has a dynamite stick.

Lace once again was mad at herself and the way she acted since arriving at Bachelor Headquarters. She said she needed to do a lot of work to do on herself and thought it would be easier to do that at home. She doesn’t truly love herself and realized she can’t love anyone else until she does.

She’s leaving?! Maybe Ben was right. No more drama.

Ben couldn’t hide how excited he was to be rid of her. He was like, “Thanks for coming! Can I call you a limo?”

Ah, crap. I kind of feel bad for her. Maybe I’m getting too old for this.

In the end, the roses went to:

Lauren H.

Amanda

Becca

Haley

Emily

Rachel

Caila

Jojo

Jennifer

Leah

Olivia

Shushanna for some reason was shocked she didn’t a rose. I was shocked she actually spoke English.

Jami had no idea what happened. She was blindsided.

“That’s why I’m always single!” she said.  “I don’t know what to do when it comes to liking a boy.”

Oh that’s your problem, Jami! You’re seven years old!

Jami didn’t leave without imparting some great advice: “Don’t ever expect anything from humans.”

Okay, Jami. Buh bye, now. Say hi to your cat for us.

For the first time Olivia didn’t go into a Rose Ceremony with immunity and she didn’t like it. But that little, secret squeeze Ben gave her waist was the reassurance she needed. You see, they are really compatible. The fake scientist from the last episode proved it. They have an unspoken connection. This is why they no longer need words and roses to communicate. You wouldn’t understand.

“Tonight was awkward,” she said. “But I’m going to marry Ben Higgins.”

And if that weren’t crazy enough she tossed in the ol’, “I know when I’m with him I’m with my future husband.”

Because of course.

All I have to say is, Olivia, now that Lace is gone, you better bring it. And by “it” I mean mints because about that breath…

Don’t forget to read Mother Rose Best at In the Powder Room every Tuesday morning!

 

You Know You’ve Made It

When you get your billboard.

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I mean, how cool is that? Really cool, right?

We are on Week 3 of Mother Rose Best at In the Powder Room. There’s plenty of time to catch up! How can you resist reading articles that get tagged with things like “Cankles,” “Feet,” “Halitosis,” and “Penis?” That is some fine journalism right there and I could not be more proud.

I’ll be posting up a more in-depth recap of ep. 3 as soon as I’m done papering my neighborhood with this billboard. It’s for the kids!

Smooches!

The Bachelor, Ep 2 Recap

Now that you’ve had days to read all those other recaps of The Bachelor, time to read mine. But first, you did read the latest Mother Rose Best over at In the Powder Room, right? DO NOT READ ANOTHER WORD UNTIL YOU DO THAT! It’s cool. I can wait.

All good? Terrific. Let’s get started.

Episode 2 of The Bachelor leaves me with the question: How are these women passing the background check portion of the vetting process? Surely at least a couple of them have restraining orders against them. If not, they will in about three weeks after our timid puppy, Ben, refuses to come out of his kennel until that big mean bulldog, Lace, is exterminated.

But Lace isn’t the only delusional alpha female (shocker!), which became abundantly clear early in this episode. She’s got some serious competition in the Thunderdome– Olivia. I’m pretty sure if the girls had their choice of who to evict, they’d chose the HDTV-friendly, over-announciating, news caster with the enormous jaw span. It’s pretty obvious Lace isn’t in the running for Ben’s affection. She’s pure entertainment gifted to viewers from very giving, if not demented, producers. But Olivia has managed to snag about 82 roses so far– including the much coveted first impression rose. So yeah, everyone hates her.

The show opened with Ben’s crotch wrapped in some seriously questionable underwear. His awkwardness oozed like Juan Pablo’s genital warts. (Did I just write that? Oh jeez, I’m sorry.) Then we cut to the ladies lounging in leisure-wear, drinking, not eating, and talking about how great Ben is.

“He checks everything off the list!”

“I want him to be my husband!”

“He’s the best bachelor ever!”

Olivia proceeded to offer up some dating advice, because, you know, she’s super generous like that.

“Get him with the eyes,” she said, meaning “Open up your giant maw and swallow him.”

Get in here, you little Bachelor boy, you!

Lace makes the first of many teetering, on the brink of tears confessions about her potentially not great first impression.

You think, Lacey? Yelling at a guy who gave you a rose but didn’t make enough eye contact with you wasn’t a good game plan? Weird. She admitted to getting a bit “too drunk” and “too emotional” which is, you know, kind of what happens when you’re “too drunk” and “too emotional” mixed with “too unstable to be on a reality TV show with 27 other other girls fighting for the same dude.” But whatevs. She eagerly awaited her second chance to make a first impression and by make “a first impression” she meant “some dirty moves on young, ernest Ben.”

First date envelope arrived and the girls tore it into like the laxatives stashed under their mattresses. As names got called, the girls cheer.

Date card read: “Let’s Learn About Love.” Unlike me, none of those yahoos can figure out what this means because unlike me, they didn’t read the “About this Episode” blurb.

The girls drink champagne while the limo drives them to “Bachelor High.” Oooooh! Back to school with Ben, who clearly thinks he hit his peak somewhere between tenth grade biology and junior prom. As they waited to hear what was in store, seven out ten girls re-lost their virginity and threw up behind the bleachers.

Jojo claimed she never felt this turned on in high school. Okay, then.

Chris Harrison came out dressed like a professor and explained that the winner of this competition would become Ben’s Homecoming Queen. Much squealing ensued. The girls paired up and competed in challenges (and I use that term loosely) such as locating Indiana on a map, bobbing for apples, shooting a basket from the free throw line, and  “Make Ben’s volcano erupt” by combining ingredients needed for a healthy relationship like “Trust,” “Communication,” and “Regular STD check-ups.”

The last two girls standing included the crazy dentist and Amber who were forced to literally jump hurdles in order to be queen. Hell hath no speed like a dentist determined to give a man a root canal with her tongue. Turns out she’s pretty quick when not wearing a giant rose on her head. Amber became super emotional about being the runner up.

Dentist dons a tiara and Ben’s actual letterman jacket and they drive around the track in a convertible. Jennifer thought the whole thing was super romantic. Lace wished it was her, but allowed her envy to propel her determination to “do something about it.” Bitch is gonna get a rose if it’s the last thing Ben does.

The group date reconvened on a rooftop where more drinking and probable meltdowns ensued. Again Lace imparted how very important it was to GET A ROSE. She really did not want Ben to think she was SOME CRAZY GIRL. Why would he, Lace? Certainly not because you are SOME CRAZY GIRL.

Ben stole Becca the Virgin away first. They shot hoops and talked about how excited they were to be together in the most boring way possible. Ben lamented about the difficulties throwing a basketball while wearing a tailored shirt and Becca encouraged him to take it off. WHAT? Holy cats, girl, rein it in! That’s like going to third base for her!

Next up was Jennifer who was reassured in her belief that her and Ben make a great couple. Ben sealed it with a kiss. That’s right– a kiss! WHAT again? I thought you weren’t all about making out, Ben, you little manslut!

Jennifer ran back to the group and immediately told them about her chaste kiss. The girls realized shit just got real. Lace? Well, she burst into flames. Kiss or no kiss, SHE IS GETTING THAT DATE ROSE TONIGHT!

Back at the mansion, the rest of the girls sat around not eating, holding cocktails, and talking about what a great catch Ben was, while waiting for the next date card that would reveal who gets the first one-on-one. Olivia was sure it would be her because she got the first impression rose but alas, it went to Caila. Olivia and her gaping maw were so confused.

Back to the rooftop group date. Lace continued to get super frustrated over her lack of one-on-one time with Ben. Who invited these other nine girls anyway? She pounded a drink and yanked him aside to explain the Lace he got on that first night is not the “real Lace.”

She slurred and apologized for coming across that way and made sure to not let Ben interject with forgiveness. She held his hand. Gripped it really, and I’m sure I saw Ben wince. Safely encased in her alcohol shrouded cocoon, Lace left this one-sided conversation believing they were on the same page. Before she could get that hotly anticipated and dogged kiss, there came Jubilee and her biceps to ruin everything.

“I WILL GET MORE TIME WITH BEN TONIGHT,” Lace promised. “THIS IS NOT FINISHED!”

Jubilee commended Ben’s altruistic nature and divulged her past, living in an orphanage in Haiti until she was adopted at age six.

“It’s so nice to have someone to fully trust and pour out their soul to, you know?” (I can’t remember which deluded soul said this but does it really matter?)

To show of his appreciation for for her ability to overcome, Ben planted a chaste kiss on her too. Who’s running this show, Ben? Your Faith?

When Jubilee returned with the stench of Ben’s lips all over her face, Lace was fuming. Was that a test of the Emergency Broadcast System or Lace letting Jubilee know what’s what? It’s the latter of course! Sadly we’ll never know what what was because all we heard was one long consecutive beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Lace continued complaining about not having any time with Ben until the girls finally snapped and told her to zip it. Not one to take orders, Lace went back to the Ben well. 

“I JUST NEED ONE MORE MINUTE!”

If Lace were a sensible lady she would have taken a cue from Ben’s body language. Leaning way back, awkward hug, eyes darting to nearest usable exit. But if she were a sensible lady we wouldn’t be recapping her mad adventures on The Bachelor, now would we? When Ben gave her enough eye contact to appease, Lace returned to the gaggle of women and the icy silence. Awkward!

Jojo was just about to write the whole thing off when Ben swooped in and took her to his “special place.” I’d be worried about sticky floors and foul odors if we were talking about any other Bachelor’s “special place” but we all know Ben’s high school locker is about as special as things get. His second most special place is a helicopter pad on the roof. The two exchanged a chorus of “This is unbelievable” and “I really want to get to know you” while tentatively hugging. Ben told Jojo he loved her boobs bubbly personality and really wanted to see more of them it. Jojo was surprised by the feelings she already developed. I’m surprised by whatever the hell happened off camera to make these two so goo goo gaga over each other.

Then it was time to hand out the coveted Date Rose. Lace was sure she was a shoe-in. I mean, how could she not be after 16 painful conversations about her not craziness? But Lace didn’t see what we saw on the helicopter pad so she was completely aghast when the rose went to Jojo. Lace stares at Ben like, “By “Jojo” you mean “Lace,” right? RIGHT?”

Next it was time for Ben and Caila’s one-on-one date. I can’t spend too much time on this because it was so freakin’ boring. Is this The Bachelor or The Duggers go to Prom? Come on, you nerds! And why is table they are dining at is so darn small?

Here’s the basics:

  • Not even Ice Cube or Kevin Hart (who were there to schlep their new movie) could make this date somewhat entertaining.
  • Caila is just as hokey and wholesome as Ben. She refers to “hell” as “You know where.”
  • These two snoozers are perfect for each other.

Moving on.

Amanda used her baby voice to call her kids. She realized Ben had no idea she is a mom and really, really want to talk to him.

Another envelope, another group date! The card read, “Are we a perfect match?”

The girls are taken to Love Lab and greeted by a Segway with an iPad for a head. He led them to Ben and about 94 people in white coats and clipboards which of course means they’re very serious scientists or maybe Clinique make-up artists

The twins are scared of this date. They don’t know much about science and don’t test well. Wait, is it a pregnancy test? Because never mind!

Love Lab apparently uses science to determine if prospective mates are actually good matches. Umm, if this was a real thing why doesn’t The Bachelor just use this instead of an eHarmony knock off questionnaire? Oh right. Because then we wouldn’t have Lace!

By far the weirdest part of the episode was when a blindfolded Ben was asked to sniff fresh-from-the-treadmill girls to see if their odors were appealing. He buried his face down deep in the glands right above the “reproductive organs” and took a giant whiff. Someone smelled “beachy!” Someone smelled like a “giant raspberry.” But Sam? Well, she smelled “sour.” Olivia loved this. Thought it was the funniest thing she ever heard.

“Like Chinese food!” she chortled.

Olivia is incredibly confident in her “relationship” with Ben. So confident that she pretty much doubled down and purchased stock in the Love Lab technology. She tried to make out with Ben during the “wear your underwear, get close, but don’t kiss” portion of the test.

“Why are you making me wait?” she asked in her nasally newscaster drawl. Was she trying to be sexy?

“Because people are watching,” Ben answered which everyone knows meant, “Because, ew!”

Not surprising Sam got the lowest score– a 2.4 out of 10. She was devastated and clearly forgot she JUST PASSED THE BAR EXAM! Buck up, Sour Patch! You’re almost a lawyer!

Olivia was embarrassed for her. Naturally she got the highest score.

Ben and the girls returned home for a casual evening where Olivia immediately pulled Ben aside, said she wasn’t surprised by her high score because she “feels compatibility” and also science. They kissed with tongue and Olivia declared it to be magical. She felt a heat in her “stomach area.” Right around where Ben was sniffing around.

More highlights:

  • A twin got nervous because she thought Ben liked outgoing women and not heavily made-up Girls Next Door types.
  • The Russian girl ate something.
  • Olivia wouldn’t divulge details of her alone time with Ben and gave the other girls “bad vibes.”
  • Sam got a second chance at the smell test. This time she smelled like passion fruit.
  • Lots of Spanx were revealed.
  • Olivia once again declared her faith in science and said she’d be “a little nervous” if basically you weren’t her.
  • Amanda finally told Ben about her daughters. Ben thought it was “amazing.” She “made more sense” now. He tells her to say “hi” to the kids for him.

The GD Date Rose went to Olivia who, so full of smugness and slapability, marveled at the fact she has no idea what a rose ceremony is.

Insecurities, stalking, and passive aggressiveness abounded at the cocktail party! Olivia and her rose lurked behind potted plants waiting for the right moment to “borrow Ben.”

“You can’t rest on your laurels,” she advised. Especially when you want to take Ben to your “secret spot and kiss him until his lips fall off.”

And just to ensure her crazy cake was iced with some Fatal Attraction, she referred to herself as “Wifey.” So, Lace. How you doing?

There can only be one Alpha dog so Lace asks for a little QT with Mrs. Olivia Higgins intending to tell her what’s what.

I’m kind of paraphrasing here but it went down like this:

LACE: “You like totally have a rose and went and talked to him again and I hardly have had any time with him so that’s like…rude.”

OLIVIA: Is there more gin? I need more gin.

Unable to convince Olivia to quit this bitch and get back to the Florida news anchoring, Lace decide to get with Ben one more time and make sure he knew she wasn’t some crazy girl.

This. More of this RIGHT NOW.

“I have a very bold personality,” she explained.

Ben took a swig of his drink. “That so?” he said. (Or something to that effect. I was reading body language.)

Someone in a yellow dress interrupted them and Lace immediately ran to the confessional to berate herself for letting THAT Lace out. The INSECURE Lace! The LACE SHE PROMISED HERSELF WOULDN’T COME OUT, CAME OUT!

Another pocket of girls whined about how little time they’ve had to spend with Ben but still somehow know what a great guy he is. Must have read Olivia’s diary.

Ben continued making the rounds. Lauren B got a commemorative photo of the first time they talked.

She responded by telling him she’d be okay if she left. “I learned a lot about myself and made some new friends.”

Cuz, you know, that’s what it’s all about.

Ben and Amanda made barrettes. Yes. Made barrettes. No, that is not a euphemism. They’re for her daughters because as Ben said, “They’re involved too now.”

So much truth, Ben. Their therapist is saying the same thing.

The girls lined up like a middle school choir and readied themselves for the doling of the roses.

Roses went to:

Amanda (More crafting!)

Jubilee (More biceps!)

Lauren B. (More friends and deep introspection!)

Leah (More tossing the ol’ pigskin around!)

Becca (More sexual frustration!)

Rachel (Who the hell is this girl and where did she come from?)

Lace (More strong-arming from the producers!)

LB (More.. wait, nope. She decided to leave. See ya!)

Jennifer (Seriously who are you?)

Emily (More boring twins!)

Jami (More not really doing much. Let’s step it up, Jami!)

Lauren H (More wondering who the hell this girl is?)

Shushanna (More English subtitles!)

Haley (Even more boring twins!)

Amber (More self-doubt!)

Not surprising the Crazy Dentist, Sour Patch Sam and Jackie were all sent packing.

Seriously excited about the match-up sure to take place next week! Don’t forget to check out Mother Rose Best for your weekly dose of parenting advice mined from the TV wreckage.

Mrs. Olivia Higgins coming in for a landing!

Mother Rose Best In the Powder Room!

Find love the old-fashioned way!

Looking for love the old-fashioned way!

I’m super excited about the opportunity to write about this season of The Bachelor in a new series, Mother Rose Best for the lovelies over at In the Powder Room. But I’m not just recapping the chardonnay shenanigans. Oh no. I’ll be dispensing practical parenting advice inparted from one of the world’s greatest guilty pleasures. Yes, you can learn a lot from a baby-voiced, ex-dancer with a spray tan and Cache credit card.

Read the first installment of Mother Rose Best: Hung Like a Mini Horse.

Didn’t watch last night’s episode? Don’t worry.  Here’s what you missed:

Unicorns really do exist and so do people who believe in finding true love on national TV. Meet Ben Higgins, fan favorite cast-off from last season’s The Bachelorette. He’s a small town boy with a big moral compass who is by far the least scuzzy Bachelor in recent history. He’s not a caricature of a South American fuuuutball star or a pilot who reeked of Valtrex and penicillin. And not having roots in a rural Iowa farm town that go deeper than a string bikini through a saddlebag helps too. “I want to live somewhere with less people than tubes of lipstick in my purse!” said no Bachelor contestant ever. You think these women could exist more than 75 miles from the nearest Juicy Couture outlet? You’re as crazy as the chick last season who compared herself to an onion.

Ben takes us on a tour of his hometown and we see where he had his first kiss. We meet his parents who seem nice if not a bit horrified. They’ve been together 32 years and Ben claims to want what they have. I also want what they have—a house on the water. Lovely!

When her son brings up the insecurities he vomited all over America last season, his mom cries and dad commiserates. She wants her son to be happy and claims, “no matter where you find her, she’ll be great.”  She already hates these women.

Then Ben gets facetime with three previous Bachelors. They tell him it’s going to be hard. He needs to be honest. Chris Soules wants him to kiss as many women possible. Ben is grossed out by this.

Chris Harrison and Ben bring it in for an awkward man-hug as the first limofull of girls pulls up the drive.

We meet:

Lauren, a gorgeous flight attendant who brings him a pair of wings and thankfully steers clear of the “mile high club” low-hanging fruit joke.

Caila who spells her name in the most complicated way possible and believes after seeing Ben come out of the limo last season, he’s a perfect person. Umm, OK. I can actually see these two yahoos together.

Jennifer, a small business owner who forgot to mention her name.

Jami, a cute bartender from Canada who happens to know previous Bachelorette Kaitlin. She tells Ben she heard he has a really big…heart. GONG!

Jubilee, a super hot, badass war veteran. As lovely as she appears, she’s African American and we all know you don’t get attached to the token minority. Bummer.

Mandi: Good job perpetrating the Portland is Weird stereotype, Weirdo. Is every dentist on reality TV a psycho? Says she would not date a man with gingervitis which is actually not the worst advice, but wearing an enormous Pinterest-fail rose craft on your head is. (Ladies, if you can’t pick out the token “kooky” girl in your season, it’s you.)

Emily and Haley: Oh lord, we have blond twins. “Group hug?” Ben asks, clearly terrified. 

Lace the Aggressor. Immediately went in for some tongue action because she wanted the first kiss. How come I know Ben isn’t into kissing chicks on the first night and she doesn’t? Get a life and a clue how to use Google.

Jessica from Florida. Clearly she didn’t make an impression on me or Ben because that’s all I know about her.

Lauren R. a math teacher who professed to stalking Ben via social media for two months. (Take a hint, Lace.) Wow, Lauren. Are you sure you’re not a P.I.? You’ve got some serious sleuthing skills stalking a man who was recently named the star of a popular reality TV franchise. He kept asking what her name was. She didn’t tell him.

Shushana, who looks like a belly dancer and appeared to be speaking in tongues.

Leah, girl-next-door event planner. She hikes up the tulle on her dress and lobs a football at Ben.

Lauren H. was the lucky recipient of the bouquet toss at a wedding recently so naturally she took that as a sign. She gives the shriveled bouquet to Ben who can’t believe it still smells good.

Breanne, a nutritional therapist who hates gluten so much she repeatedly smashed a baguette on the sidewalk in front of Ben. MUST…DESTROY…ALL…GLUTEN!

Isabel, who goes by Izzy, eschewed the idea of wearing a gown in favor of PJ’s. “I need to find out if you’re the onsie for me,” she says as America collectively groans.

Rachel who is unemployed ditched the limo in favor of a hoverboard. Is this the same vehicle that spontaneously bursts into flames and Amazon demanded we destroy like it’s a big, glutenly baguette? That’s good TV!

Maegan is a cowgirl who doesn’t go anywhere without her mini horse. Ben and Maegan have as much chemistry as a host and restaurant patron waiting to be seated but the horse is damn cute.

Laura, who likes to go by “Red Velvet,” is already intimidated. See ya at the reunion, Red Velvet!

Joelle, exits the limo wearing a giant unicorn head. Because why not?

Amanda tell us in her little girl voice (uh oh, Dr. Drew!) about the two daughters she left behind in her quest to find a man who will one day give them daddy issues. Go on and leave your kids, Amanda. Toddlers don’t do anything cool anyway.

Tiara who is billed as a”chicken enthusiast” shows pictures of her beloved birds–and Ben–in frames. My husband calls her the  “female Gonzo.”

LB who does something in fashion. Blah blah blah. She’s too thin to care about.

Jackie arrives with a Save the Date card. Whoa. Hold your mini horses, girl.

Olivia, a newscaster from Florida says “hi” like seven times in three seconds. Ben loves her already.

Samantha, a recent law school graduate finds out during the limo ride that she passed the bar exam. Her dad passed away from ALS when she was a teen, but she takes comfort in knowing he’s smiling down on her as she prepares to don a bikini and get HPV from the shared toilet seats in the house.

Excited about the cast of potential wives, Ben calls to wake up his parents letting them know it’s real likely one of these twenty-six beauties or a mini horse will be joining them next Thanksgiving. Mom roots for the horse.

After some back-biting, bitch-calling, delusion of grandeur, aborted make-out attempts, and public shaming (all by the same horrible woman: Lace), Ben succumbs to a spontaneous dental exam (could probably floss better) a twin sandwich (“It’s not awkward for us so it shouldn’t be for you”), good old fashioned bonding over the sensual world of software sales, and two surprise contestants from previous seasons (what’s-her-face and Becca the Virgin!) He then has to explain to Lace why he won’t be sleeping with her tonight. Do we really need to do this? You’re one of twenty-eight girls, Lace. Not even close to the hottest. You just met the guy. She takes this to mean she’s definitely getting a rose tonight and she totally did because the producers must love her.

Soon Ben makes the tough choice to send eight girls who have been drinking on an empty stomach a’ packing. Breanne, the gluten hater is one of the casualties and is devastated because she’s “gone through so much already.” Yes, Breanne, it’s hard to give up wheat, but there are so many good alternatives out there these days. You’ll be okay.

A few final thoughts: 

Becca, you might be a virgin but that dress you wore isn’t.

Can we keep the horse? Please!? I promise to take care of it!

L.B., in lieu of a rose, will you please accept a sandwich?

Tune into The Bachelor Mondays at 8PM on ABC and In the Powder Room: Mother Rose Best the following Tuesday!

C-Sections Aren’t So Bad (But Facebook is a Jerk)

Quinn was delivered by C-section. This took everyone except my mom’s psychic by surprise as she predicted it months ago. I was horrified by this turn of events, sure that I was destined for months, maybe years, of recovery. I would never do another sit up, I would never loose the baby weight, I wouldn’t be able to lift my child for two years post-surgery.

Know what? It wasn’t so bad. But it took a little while to come to this conclusion. So I wrote about it, hoping other women who had C-sections and the subsequent guilt that sometimes comes with it, would at least have a laugh. Thank you Blunt Moms for the opportunity!

Sometimes I treat myself to a little Facebook post boosting. I tried to do that with this here article but alas, Facebook declined me. Why, you ask? Good question. Here is the post I tried to PAY THEM TO PROMOTE.

This post has been banned in every, single country.

This post has been banned in every, single country.

Could Facebook be anti-C-section? Did they not like the photo? Could they possibly have an issue with the word vagina? Nah! Can’t be. But then I got this email.

facebook
Hi Shelly,
It looks like your ad didn’t meet our Advertising Policies, so it was not approved.
Ad Name: Post: /217175581669779
Ad Creator Name: Shelly Mazzanoble
Here’s why we couldn’t approve this ad
  • Your ad wasn’t approved because it doesn’t follow Facebook’s Advertising Guidelines for language that is profane, vulgar, threatening or generates high negative feedback. Ads can’t use language that insults, harasses or demeans people, or addresses their age, gender, name, race, physical condition or sexual preference.
    Before resubmitting your ad, please visit the Help Center to learn more and see examples of ads that meet our guidelines.
    If you’ve read the guidelines in the Help Center and think your ad follows the rules and should’ve been approved, please let us know.

Umm, yeah, Facebook, I think my ad follows your rules. I read your guidelines and no where does it say I can’t use a proper medical term for a body part. I mean, WTF? Have you seen some of the crap people are posting on your puritanical site? What about starving, abused puppies or images of the recent horrific shootings or Donald Trump? What did I say that was PROFANE, VULGAR, THREATENING OR COULD GENERATE HIGH NEGATIVE FEEDBACK?

I wrote to them to get clarification but haven’t heard back yet. I’ll be sure to let you know. In the meantime, feel free to share the post ON FACEBOOK and see if you can make some Silicon Valley, vagina-phobic intern blush while pushing the “not approved” button. Jerk.

 

I’m Popular

It’s not the year 1980. Not a popular year for me. But who cares because I’m popular now. So to speak.

Out of all the content that exists on this site (and it’s a lot, believe me) and all the fabulous women blogging in this community, to be called out as “Most Popular on BlogHer” is pretty darn cool. It is right? I think it is. So much so that I had to commemorate this moment with a screen shot and share it with you all.

Next up, 7th grade Vice President here I come!

Next up, 7th grade Vice President here I come!

See that in the right hand column? Right underneath Blossom? (Okay, like 3 under Blossom, keep looking.) That’s meeeeeeeeeeee!

 

How to Write a Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie

I adore Hallmark Channel Christmas movies. I adore Christmas. In fact, if I were an actor, all I would do is Hallmark Channel Christmas movies. (Is it too late for me?)

Therefore, I feel like kind of an expert on these movies so if you ever fancied yourself a screenwriter wanting to cut your teeth on fake snow and Candace Cameron Bure vehicles, then you should follow my advice on how to write a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie. I’ll be watching!

Detour right to my DVR, Candice!

Detour right to my DVR, Candace!

Take 1 from each column:

You are:

  • A single, lonely, but optimistic woman
  • A bitter, hardnosed, overworked professional desperate for a promotion
  • An naive, sweet do-gooder who knows deep inside she’s engaged to the wrong man, but doesn’t want to hurt his feelings by dumping him
  • An agent of Mr./Mrs. Claus
  • Apathetic or downright hostile towards the holidays due to a circumstance you only feel comfortable talking about to strangers when the moon is full and snow is falling
  • A young widower with chiseled good looks, doing the best he can to raise the three kids he rescued from a J. Crew catalog
  • Royalty

 Who is:

  • Wishing you didn’t have to spend the holidays alone
  • Sick of the holidays and everyone around you
  • Trying to take over a town/favorite landmark/small business
  • Trying to save a hometown/favorite landmark/small business
  • Trying to maintain a brave face in front of the kids even though you find the holidays insufferable
  • Trying to help a single, lonely, but affable woman/a hardnosed, overworked woman/naïve, sweet do-gooder engaged to the wrong guy/a widow or widower/undercover royalty/small town find the true meaning of Christmas
  • Misdirecting your grief over losing one or both of your parents/guardians when you were a child and acting out against everyone and everything. Even though it happens at this time every year, your misery always takes you by surprise
  • Yearning for a different life

 So you:

  • Throw yourself into your work hoping the long nights at the office will give you the same comfort a pair of loving arms would provide. Or so you imagine.
  • Dedicate yourself to helping others less fortunate
  • Escape to your rustic-inspired-luxury equipped, snow-covered cabin in the middle of nowhere to eat minestrone soup in front of a fire while your Excel spreadsheets keep you company
  • Run over everyone who gets in the way of achieving your life goal, or at least this month’s sales quota
  • Fight the urge to dump your betrothed in favor of the cute, single man you met while he was browsing the cute shop you own looking for a gift for his cute niece whom he simply adores.
  • Bake
  • Befriend a determined, hopeful, freckled child of a single mom who adores Christmas almost as much as you do
  • Pick a major American city, pack your Louis Vuitton suitcase and man servant, and go undercover

When suddenly you:

  • Literally stumble into a handsome, single, man wearing a cashmere, ¾ length topcoat with a full head of hair snowflakes take a remarkably long time to melt in
  • Find yourself having inappropriate feelings for the man who is trying to takeover your town/favorite landmark/small business
  • Come across a holiday stigmata that propels a tiny bubble of hope to rise to the surface of your cold, dank corn husk of a heart, despite your best efforts to thwart it
  • Feel yourself falling for your impeccably-coiffed children’s teacher, but suppress your feelings realizing how selfish you’re being
  • Are forced to identify your true self by pulling off several miracles so the dubious townspeople will listen to your wisdom
  • Win a huge payout from national a cookie baking competition your best friend secretly entered you in
  • Fall for a waitress

 Which results in:

  • Falling unexpectedly in love
  • Falling unexpectedly in love and saving your town/favorite landmark/small business
  • Falling unexpectedly in love and recapturing the Christmas spirit that vanished after your parents/guardian were tragically taken away when you were a child
  • Falling unexpectedly in love and throwing a huge holiday party to apologize for the whole town you insulted/tried to buy before realizing the error of your ways
  • Falling unexpectedly in love with a person who sincerely loved you even before they realized you were a prince/princess
  • Falling unexpectedly in love and using your massive windfall to give orphaned children the Christmas of their dreams
  • Helping a single, lonely, but affable woman/a hardnosed, overworked woman/naïve, sweet do-gooder engaged to the wrong guy/a widow or widower/undercover royalty fall unexpectedly in love

And scene!

Nothing makes me as warm and tingly as a bevy of Hallmark Channel Christmas soon-to-be classic movies. Except maybe a hot toddy sipped in front of an unyielding log burning in an abandoned hunting lodge fireplace while puffs of snow as pillowy as homemade ravioli begin to melt from the Land’s End sheathed shoulders of a man who looks like a commoner but is probably the heir to a shopping mall fortune, who rescued my Yorkie and I after we fell through the ice of the pond I had my first in front of. See that? You will if you tune in to the Hallmark Channel right now.

Before & After

Did I mention we remodeled our kitchen? Yeah, I did. Like 4,926 times. I know. I can’t stop talking about. But we survived it and looking back I keep thinking “That wasn’t so bad.” It’s like childbirth and the newborn phase. Enough time passes and you forget how shitty it was. That’s how you get roped into a second child or a bathroom remodel.

Instead of writing about something of actual interest, I thought today’s blog post (the 2nd to last for the month. YES!) could be a pictorial of before and after photos of my new kitchen. Everyone loved a make-over right? Without further ado, please say hello to my Pinterest board come to life:

 

No, I did not forget to turn on the lights before taking this. That is exactly how much light we had in the living room.

No, I did not forget to turn on the lights before taking this. That is exactly how much light we had in the living room.

Let there be light! And less wall.

Let there be light! And less wall.

 

Fine, functional, but...

Fine, functional, but…

This works. Yep.

This works. Yep.

 

Again, not the worst kitchen in the world.

Again, not the worst kitchen in the world.

But me-wow. I'd pin the shit out of this kitchen.

But me-wow. I’d pin the shit out of this kitchen.

 

Don't miss any of this. Not even a little.

Don’t miss any of this. Not even a little.

As my friend Kristina once said, "I'd rather have a kitchen island than a Hawaiian island."

As my friend Kristina once said, “I’d rather have a kitchen island than a Hawaiian island.”

 

Right? And I’m telling you– this was as painless as a remodel could be. Big props to Palmer Construction and Remodel. And let’s here for BATHROOM REMODEL 2017! Who’s with me!?