There appears to be a huge developmental leap between the age of 5 and 6. I swear sometimes I talking to an adult– an adult with a really high-pitched voice that still can’t pour milk directly into a cereal bowl without saturating 87% of our house.
In the last few days, I’ve said the following things to my child:
*Please put your penis away. *I saw where you touched the dog so please wash your hands. *That’s mommy’s bra and I didn’t say you could wear it. *Who told you six was the new sexy? Do you even know what sexy means? *No, anus-hole isn’t technically swearing, but it’s still a mean thing to say. *Would you want Puppy to do that to you? *How many Slurpies have you had this week? *I don’t sound like that! (Editor’s note: Bart said that’s EXACTLY what I sound like.) *For the last time, your penis goes in your pants! *Sure, you can change your name to John Cena. *Yes, I know lots of words that rhyme with tuck. *No, YOU tell your butthole to go to sleep. You’re the one it’s bothering. *STOP ASKING ALEXA TO PLAY OLD TOWN ROAD! *The one who smelt it, dealt it, sucka! *GO TO BED, JOHN CENA!
Yeah, yeah, my recaps are spotty if even, but this season is really hard to watch and not for the reasons you have come to expect. It’s hard to watch this bachelorette because she is clearly too young to know what she wants, too immature to stand up for herself, and too insecure to not constantly be gaslit, manipulated, and borderline emotionally abused by a man who’s clearly a psychopath.
Oh, Luke P. is good TV. But he’s also really f’ing scary because he’s not an actor. He’s a real guy who somehow passed the show’s psych exam and who will return to his webby lair of misogyny and toxic masculinity and keep existing in our world. He will gaslight and manipulate and abuse other women. Know how I know this? Because he’s also incredibly stupid. Stupid people just are. They can’t turn it off and on. And they seldom change.
But still I watch and groan and rewind and rewatch in attempt to capture all the dialogue– the real dialogue because it’s funnier than anything I could write– and scour Twitter to find solidarity with the rest of the world who are also watching agog at the shitshow playing out before us. Yes, of course it’s always a shitshow! But this is next level shitshowing.
After several weeks of meltdowns, Hannah was fresh-faced and full of vigor ready to start anew in Latvia. (Latvia???) The boys had been really pissing her off with all that finger-pointing and yelling at Luke P. Why are they asking HIM questions and not her! Not one person ever asked WHAT MAKES HANNAH HANNAH. She almost forgot why her photo was cropping up in the lower left corner of Us Weekly covers. It’s to find a controlling man child that makes her feel like a woman, y’all!
And Luke Goddamn Mothereffing Shitstain P. immediately started in on how frustrating that last rose ceremony was. The other guys were like, “Dude! You’re frustrated!? She canceled the cocktail party because you made her cry again! Also we hate your goddamn face! That’s how we always feel when we’re around you!”
Date card arrived and it’s Garret who gets the one-on-one.
Can I trust our love?
In case you wondered about Luke P.’s triggers, here’s one: one-on-one dates that don’t involve him. He is LEGITIMATELY JEALOUS. For the first time. He knows for a fact no guy feels about Hannah the way he does. FOR A FACT, bitches!
Hannah met Garret in the woods. They were freezing. It looked unpleasant. Then they saw a cable car dangling over a lake which was pretty damn scary all on its own, but then two naked humans bound to each other gummy worms left in a hot car fell out of it.
What in the actual f*%k?
Oh! It’s naked bungee jumping! The Latvian tradition that combines my two biggest fears literally strapped into one.
The naked duo introduced themselves to Garret and Hannah.
“Hey ! I’m Gunt! (YES, GUNT!) This is (forgot her name, sorry). Try naked bungee jumping! You’ll have fun!
Garret and Hannah stripped down to everything but Hannah’s bra which she kept on until the last possible second. For whatever reason she left her very heavy, very dangling earrings on.
I’m not going to lie. This looked scary as f*ck. But they did it. And Hannah now thought Garret was very strong and that’s what she wanted in a man. They made out in front of a small dumpster fire to celebrate.
At dinner, Garret confessed his fear of heights and what a giant hurdle that was for him. He asked Hannah her very first question: What hurdles have you had to overcome?
Hannah: Umm…just living my life.
The near death, fully naked escapades of today’s activities really got Garret’s truth fountain overflowing. He told a sad tale about how everyone in his family loved football but he really liked golf. Talk about a hurdle!
Back at hotel, the guys discovered who would go on the next group date:
Mike, Jed, Tyler, Dustin, Luke, Connor, Dylan
Let’s discover Riga.
The follwoing morning, Garret told the group about naked bungee jumping. Mike wanted to know what bungee jumping was like. Luke wanted to know why in all that’s holy would this turd-nugget think it was okay to take his goddamn wife naked bungee jumping????? HE DID NOT GIVE HER PERMISSION TO DO THIS! In fact, he didn’t believe it.
Naked bungee jumping? With Garret? No way. Luke knew Hannah better than Hannah knew herself. It’s only a truth if Luke P. believes it.
Let’s watch Luke P. process this.
Hannah was super excited to explore Latvia and have a normal date with her seven suitors. They explored a market, walked down a cobblestone street yelling things like, “Latvia!” and “Riga!”, watched Hannah consume a giant pickle, and took turns making out with her in front of each other. Pretty normal date stuff.
Luke P., as we know, is a gracious dude. He was just excited to see Hannah let loose and be herself. The real her– not the fake her that would ALLEGEDLY naked bungee jump while mashed up against the sullied loins of another man. Did God speak to Garret in a shower? HA! I think not!
Hannah knows how to read a room. While crammed together on public transportation, with lips and noses and hands and butts mere centimeters apart, she knew that was the perfect time to talk about naked bungee jumping.
Luke P. was truly and absolutely shocked. He was like “OMG F*CK! That really happened??!!!! My wife is no different than those tainted trollops I was banging in high school!!!!”
Hannah explained how the naked part was a tradition for couples.
Luke P.: Like official couples?
Luke P.: But like when you’re officially a couple, you mean?”
You guys, give him a break. He had a reason to be upset. Hannah’s body “was her temple and to expose it to anyone who is NOT HER HUSBAND (READ: LUKE P.) was a slap in his face!” Luke needs answers! Luke will get them!
The night portion of the date kicked off with a below the knee shot of the guys walking so we could appreciate their super tight Capri pants and sock-less footwear. Tyler sported a particularly small, bright white pair but that’s okay because Tyler is everyone’s favorite now.
Luke P. finally got his chance to tell Hannah how he felt about her naked date.
Luke P.: Have you ever been cheated on?
Hannah: Of course!
Luke: Well, I HAD THAT FEELING THIS MORNING!
Luke: This information is hard to receive! How could you hold your temple against Garett???
Hannah: I wanted the experience. Just because our baby making parts were skin on skin doesn’t mean it was sexual.
Luke P.: Yeah, well it was still really offensive and pissed me off and now I’m not sure I can introduce you to my family, but okay I’ll support you even if you do some boneheaded mistakes. Don’t worry. We’ll get through anything. That’s me being REAL! Hope you like it!
Date rose went to Tyler because he risked a yeast infection so America could see him in those pants.
Luke again was incredulous. Why bother being real if you can’t get a rose out of it?
Then we had Hannah’s date with Peter. They went to a traditional Latvian spa to perform a bonding spiritual ritual which translates to, “have sex in a sauna.”
Hannah likes her men dirty and sweaty, which she kindly reminded us of. A lot. She also really likes straddling her men which she also visually reminded us of. Peter made her feel like a woman. Apparently the only women Hannah knows are horny,
Peter told everyone about his hot, sweaty date and that made Jed sad. Jed missed Hannah so he grabbed his guitar and his shearling jean jacket and busked in the streets until she woke up.
Hannah woke up. Like really woke up. She invited him upstairs where he played more dumb music and told her he was really falling for her. She straddled him, ripped off her robe, and got down.
And then the conversations just went sideways with the other guys and Luke P. I can’t make this shit up nor could I type fast enough to keep up with it. Here’s the highlights:
“Listen, she’s your girlfriend but she’s also mine.”
“Stay in your lane!”
“You stay in your lane!”
“Don’t ruin another rose ceremony or I’ll be seriously pissed!”
“STAY IN YOUR LANE!”
“Lower your voices. Hannah could be outside the door. Also STAY IN YOUR LANE!”
“I was in my lane but then I looked out the window and saw you and Hannah in your lane and didn’t like what I saw so now I’m in her lane!”
“Oooh, shouldn’t look away while driving. That’s how you crash.”
“Hannah needs us to stay in our lanes so that’s what I’m going to do.”
“Yeah, don’t text and drive!”
“I need sleep so please excuse yourself!”
The real highlight though was Tyler who apparently read a few feminist manifestos before coming on the show and expertly and calmly called Luke out on a myriad of bullshit.
The next day Hannah ambushed the guys and squirreled Luke P. away. Luke was all, “Yes! I must be getting a rose.” The other guys were like “Oh that doesn’t look good.”
She respected Luke for having a REAL conversation with her, but unfortunately it didn’t sit well with her. She summoned every female empowering t-shirt she every saw on Pinterest and started rattling off slogans.
“You don’t own me.”
“My body, my choice!”
“STAY IN YOUR LANE!”
Luke P.: I won’t control you, but let me tell you what I will do.
Hannah: Why do I have to always scream in your face to make you understand?
Luke P.: I never said any of that. I’m sorry you misunderstood and twisted my words.
Hannah: I’m just so confused.
Luke P.: I’m just so excited that the train is finally back on track!
Hannah: Oh my god, no it’s not!
Luke P.: It’s close to the tracks! Still exciting!
Hannah: No it’s not!
Luke P.: If you feel that way, I’m sorry I was misunderstood. It’s confusing. From now on I’m going to speak clear! And if you can’t handle it, I’ll keep fighting harder. YOU WILL NEVER BE RID OF ME, HANNAH!
Hannah: Why is it so hard with us?
Upon rejoining the group, Luke proclaimed he knew they were going to ask so he would just tell them– he ain’t telling them nothing except to stay in their lanes!
Luke P.: Stay in your lane! You! And you! And you too! Mike, you keep being you, but the rest of you– STAY IN YOUR LANES!
Then Chris walked in and we knew it was bad news. Hannah was emotional again and canceled another cocktail party. What is ABC going to do with all that leftover booze?
Luke immediately got defensive and shouted this was not his fault!
The men donned a fresh pair of capris and took their places for the rose ceremony.
Roses went to :
Wait for it!!!
Who could it be???
You will never guess!!!!!
Oh, for f*ck’s sake, Hannah.
As she pinned the world’s saddest rose to his collar, Hannah whispered to Luke, “There is goodness inside of you. And I see that.”
With what do you see, Hannah???? You got a Hubble telescope under all those fake eyelashes?
Guys are shocked. We are all shocked. The villain never sticks around this long. Even Chris Harrison is confused.
Chris: What the actual f*ck, Hannah?
Hannah: I’m either falling in love with Luke or he’s making me crazy.
Is this the spatula scraped bottom of the casting barrel or are these bros actually Hannah’s type? I watch enough reality TV to be inclined to think it’s the latter. That barrel runs real deep. But know what isn’t deep? These constentants.
First, they all look alike. They have massive amounts of hair. They all mousse said hair into giant poop emoji shaped coifs atop their tiny heads. They have arrogantly deep voices. They are all named Luke or Connor or Tyler. With the exception of maybe Mike, I wouldn’t let my friend date any of these guys. Hook up at a wedding with? Yes. But bring to my annual neighborhood Christmas tree lighting party? Back the hell up, Broseph.
The episode opened with Chris lighting a date card on fire, chucking it into the living room, and bolting, not to be seen again until the rose ceremony.
A bunch of guys get called (Luke, Tyler, Tyler, Luke, Connor, Tyler, Luke, Connor, Connor, Tyler, Luke, Luke, Tyler, Luke, Connor, Tyler, Luke) upon for an outing at a theater where they are greeted by none other than Miss Jay!
OMG, Miss Jay! I had no idea how much I missed you!
Miss Jay is joined by two fabulous drag queens, Alyssa Edwards and Alaska Thuderfuck (the name of my next D&D character), who, along with Hannah were judges for the Mr. Right Pageant, because OF COURSE.
The boys met with the queens for some coaching and talent tips before walking the runway in banana hammocks and auditioning for America’s Got Socks in their Speedos. Jed wore his nut hugger with cowboy boots- a touching homage to toddlers of parents who just don’t give a shit anymore. Luke P. was super excited to strip down to his itsy, bitsy, teeny-weenie, 1980’s little bikini, and his fellow contestants experienced an extreme case of the vapors while Hannah and the judges had to be hosed down and airlifted to nearby ice baths.
For his talent, Luke P. pried upon the insecurities of a woman who has struggled with the need to be perfect her whole life and desperately wants to walk off this show with her first husband by telling her he was definitely, for truly, 100%, abso-freakin’-lutely falling in love with her. People. We’re on episode 2. It’s been like 5 days. Also, Luke P. THAT IS NOT A TALENT!
But the guys were impressed. Not with his love lies, but with his body. They were all like, “Man, that Luke P.! Hubba hubba, amirite? The guy’s an asshole, but he’s got the body of a Greek god!”
Guess who won the title of Mr. Right? Of course it’s Mr. Divine Intervention himself! Hannah totally falls for his “I can’t believe I’m saying this already, but I love you so much” BS. SHE ASKED FOR BOLD, PEOPLE! And aggressively falling in love is BOLD! I guess?
At the post-date cocktail party, Luke P. squired Hannah away immediately much to the irritation of the other guys. She used the opportunity to grill him on how he could possibly feel love already.
Hannah: But it’s been like…12 minutes.
Luke P.: Because I am falling in love with you.
Hannah: Well, I mean, it has been like 12 minutes. Wow, y’all bold!
Next day Hannah takes one of the Tylers out for a one-on-one. She must have been touched by an angel in the styling department because she was dressed head to toe in white. Uh oh. What could this mean? Time to bust out the ATVs and get muddy! You see, Hannah is so chill and cool, she’s not afraid to get her whites dirty.
Afterwards they cleaned up and had a nice, fake dinner and some nice fake conversation about Hannah’s dreams to be a wife and have an “incredible career” and maybe “help people.” Tyler thought that sounded really cool, minus the helping people. Be real man, be genuine, but humanitarianism is for losers. They made out. Tyler got a rose, the end.
Kidding! Not the end! There’s still another group date! This one forced the guys to try roller derby and question what was on that waiver they signed before coming on the show. With every smashed assbone, Hannah got more turned on. One of them (Dustin?) might have broken something and had to leave. The other guys were so jealous.
Afterwards they sat around a coffee table full of fake food and drinks inside a deserted antiques warehouse. Pretty sure the location scout owns this joint because it’s definitely showed up on previous seasons. As Hannah began to settle in with her bruised and bandaged suitors, a mysterious van pulled up. Nope, not Scooby Doo. MUCH WORSE. No, not Scrappy Doo. Even worse than him! It’s freakin’ Cam! Always Be Carpooling! Well, sure beats sitting by the pool, playing whiny out of tune melodies on your harmonica. But you see, Cam, you were not invited on this group date so you don’t get to show up. Go home and ask the other guys how this show works.
But too bad. He’s there to interrupt her time with the other guys and tell Hannah how much he missed her. We are assured by Cam that this was “a very Cam thing to do” which should have sparked a “Thank you, next” response from Hannah, but nope. She let him have his time. Bold gesture, y’all! The other guys were NOT PLEASED. They ran out to the parking lot to take turns telling Cam what a jerk he was.
Guy: Uh, dude, not cool.
Cam: Sorry, man. I get it.
Guy: So, uh, like go home now, ‘k?
Cam: Yeah, mean, totally leaving. Just needed to tell her something.
Other Guy: You’re taking time away from us by being here.
Cam: You’re taking time away from being here by being here.
Other Guy: Where?
Cam: Here. In this parking lot!
Guy with Deep Voice: You’re like a stalker, man. Not cool.
Cam: I assure you, stalking is a very Cam thing to do.
Blah blah blah, on to the rose ceremony.
Hannah entered the room, looked at her guys, and immediately burst into tears. Want to play a drinking game? Every time Hannah says, “bold” or “real”, or “on this journey” knock one back. You’re shitfaced, right? Like before we even see a rose. Keep drinking. It will help you get through her speech. Something about being real and not feeling worthy and needing realness and boldness and feeling worthy and wow, isn’t she lucky??? Oh wait, those were happy tears, Hannah? Here I was thinking you were looking around the room at Cam the Interrupting Rapper, and that guy who looks like Nick Viall, and Jed who is cute and totally not using this platform to get a record deal, and the roided out dude who gets messages from Jesus while exfoliating his butt cheeks, and 36 other guys named Tyler with hair so big it’s full of secrets and feeling sad but you are feeling #blessed. Girl, wipe your nose and go find that husband. HE IS TOTALLY IN THAT ROOM RIGHT NOW. I can feel it.
But let’s hope it’s not Cam who interrupted some more one-on-one time claiming he had something planned for all three of them. Uh, all of them? You talking about that dude she was just making out with? He brought Hannah and the other guy over to a heart-shaped crop circle on the cobblestone driveway and fed them chicken nuggets and sheep’s blood.
Guy Interrupted was not pleased with Cam’s crafty craft services shenanigans. When Cam returned to Bachelor Mansion, the other guy chucked a handful of chicken nuggets in his face. I shit you not. He threw nuggets at the guy. And Cam was all like, “Really dude? You think this is the first time someone’s thrown fast food in my face? HA!”
And if THAT wasn’t gross enough– you have no idea what was going down in the next room. Well, for starters, there was a massage table. (Go ahead and spit out that bile that’s pooling in your mouth hole.) Luke P. and Hannah were getting ready to make a baby right there on that table. Then Poor Jed walked in and was like, “MY EYES! MY GODDAMN EYES! HOW AM I GOING TO READ THAT RECORDING CONTRACT I’M SURE TO SCORE AFTER THIS ORDEAL IS OVER???” Luke P. tried to make him feel better by saying it wasn’t what it looked like. It wasn’t all the way out for god’s sake. They weren’t having actual sex, Jed. Just some flirty dry humping on a massage table. No bigs. Jed walked away and Hannah dropped 11 F-bombs in a row and claimed she didn’t know what to do. WHAT THE F*%K DO YOU DO WHEN ONE BOYFRIEND SEES YOU EATING THE PECS RIGHT OFF YOUR OTHER BOYFRIEND??? This was so confusing. She ran off to find Jed who would rather have watched his parents have sex than that shit show, but still managed to laugh it off. Hannah was so relieved. He was totally the perfect guy to walk in on her and Luke P. doing the divine twine. I’m starting to like this guy. Let THAT shows you what kind of caliber of men we’re dealing with this season.
Some more conversations and kissing happened before Chris Harrison returned from a long hiatus to say it was time for the doling of the roses. A handful of guys leave, but not Cam or Luke P. Shit, even JOHN PAUL JONES is still there. But we are down at least one Connor.
You would think the drama ended there but as long as Cam and Luke P. are present, this dumpster fire will burn eternal. Cam decided to toast to Hannah Ayala (sp?) which of course is his last name. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. The other guys refused and threw figurative chicken nuggets at him. And then Luke P. interrupted Hannah’s interview with the producers to tell her how real and trust-worthy he is. Obviously when a guy tells you that, it’s true.
Super excited to see Cam do Cam things and Luke P. be creepy. That reminds of one of my favorite jokes! How does Luke P. get through the forest? He takes the psychopath!
Oh man, so far behind so let’s finish up that first episode with a quick recap.
After she meets all her suitors, Hannah makes a quick stop in the bushes to pray. She asks the good lord to give her “words” and make her sound smart. Watching her in an honest vulnerable moment like that was bit heartbreaking and scummy even for these producers. It’s also an exercise in futility as everyone knows God hangs out in showers, not bushes.
She finds enough words to give a speech telling the guys she ain’t perfect and she doesn’t want perfect and if they’re after perfect they best make like a woman in Alabama who values her human rights and leave.
Luke P. doesn’t give a shit what nonsense Hannah is spewing and is totally here for the right reasons– TO WIN. He immediately whisked the bachelorette away much to the shock and dismay of those other dudes. Wait. Did he seriously just leave with her? Like to go be alone? Has he no consideration for the 28 guys she’s dating? Rude, man! You call yourself a Christian?
Luke wasted no time letting Hannah know he’s hot on her tail– I mean trail. He told her she was the most beautiful girl he ever saw. Hannah was impressed!
Hannah: Tell me more about yourself. Like exactly how many girls have you seen in your life?
Luke: I’m an uncle. It’s so amazing! But I’m like totally behind. I’m 24 and don’t have a girlfriend or a wife or nothing!
Hannah: Did you know people have babies in their thirties???
Luke: They are gross and desperate. I’m ready now.
Luke: And I thought this is the LAST place I’d find a girlfriend!
Luke: And I know I don’t know you all that well, but I’m already falling for you so you best make like a smushed tomato and catch-up, girl!
HANNAH! Luke is a shister! I mean, look at that beady-eyed little born-again! No f’ing way does he love you! He just met you! And if he honestly thinks he does then that’s a bigger problem. Like he’s mental! Also I know your being sequestered that weird little love world right now and probably don’t have access to NPR but you need to know your beloved, home state of which you represented in the Miss America pageant just criminalized abortion and I’m having a really hard time watching your season because your probably going to end up with a guy who voted for Trump and not really care as long as he has a smattering of facial hair and tattooed pecs. Hannah, in case you are wondering, none of this is good.
But I digress.
She spend the rest of her evening hanging out with some of the other guys, talked about her struggle to be perfect, had a fake bachelorette party thrown by a guy who’s never seen a bachelorette party, not even in a movie, and gratuitously made out with a handful of men. Mike is a standout guy so far. He seems genuine, has a nice, smile and totally the guy you want to sit next to at a dinner party when you don’t know anyone there. But he doesn’t have a chance.
Because she met Cam on the After the Final Rose episode, he claimed it was techinically their second date and therefore totally okay to make out. Hannah agreed, excited for the world to see close ups of her sucking face. Cam looks like a terrible kisser. Sorry, Cam but you look like a terrible kisser. Stick to rapping. Nope, not that either. Go find Luke P. and ask for a pamphlet.
Hannah gave the first impression rose to Luke P. because she is a needy pageant queen who desperately needs affirmations. Also she’s 24. I already hate this season.
Oh right, these two bitches.
I didn’t bring up Katie and Demi from Colton’s season because:
I don’t want to
I don’t like them.
I thought their appearance at the beginning of this episode was a dumb little schtick that would never rear its heavily pancake make-uped face again.
I want them to go away.
They did not. Instead they rolled up in a white surveillance van and parked it on the Bachelor Mansion driveway, which is totally normal, necessary, and not a dumb way to build fake suspense and contrived drama AT ALL. Apparently Demi got some intel claiming one of Hannah’s potential husbands isn’t HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. This guy ALLEGEDLY has a girlfriend back home. He was ALLEGEDLY planning a vacation with her sometime between inevitably getting dumped by Hannah and securing 50,000 IG followers. Hannah’s besties lie in wait in the back of their pedophile van, watching closed circuit televisions to figure out which guy is the bad actor.
Jed and his awkward facial hair sand to Hannah so clearly it couldn’t be him.
Pilot-in-uniform-guy seems nice, so nope. Can’t be that guy.
Scott says Hannah took his breath away when he first saw her.
What’s that you say, Lassie? That’s the big, two-timing meanie? Nailed it!
Here is Demi concentrating really hard on solving this mystery:
Here is Demi at the exact moment she figured it out!
Girls asked Chris to fetch Hannah STAT and bring her to the van.
Hannah was ON FIRE! She stomps back to the mansion and dragged Scott off for a “probably not so good chat.”
The other guys are baffled and turned on by Hannah’s assertiveness. God granted her words alright!
Out of earshot but in full view of the house, Hannah rips into Scott.
Hannah: Ha! I know why you were all nervous about being here! YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!
Scott: No, I don’t.
Hannah: Yeah, you do. Demi read your texts. She’s outside in a van right now!
Scott: Nope, not admitting that.
Hannah: Did you talk to this girlfriend on Monday?
Scott: (Clears throat.) Well, yeah, but I’ve been like super honest up until right now.
Hannah: So you kept a girlfriend back home just to be safe?
Scott: Okay, I can see why you would think that.
Hannah: This is not okay. The other guys went through the effort to break up with their girlfriends before they got here.
Scott: Okay fine, you want me to be honest? I was dating a girl up until Monday, maybe Tuesday. Maybe we’re still dating. I really don’t know.
Hannah: That is not fair. I have no idea why anyone would come on a reality TV show to find love without the purest of intentions.
Scott: Fine, if you want me to leave, I will, but you were just dating Colton so it’s the same thing.
Hannah: No it isn’t.
Scott: Yeah, it kind of is.
Hannah: Man, I wish I could just send your ass home.
Scott: Well, you can, dummy. It’s your show.
Hannah: Oh, yeah! Please go home.
Scott: Sorry you feel that way. I’d probably be sad if I didn’t have a girlfriend to go home to.
Uh, Scott, you’re not good looking enough to be that sleazy.
Reeling from confrontation, Hannah told the other guys Scott had a girlfriend and that’s kind of frowned upon on this show so he’s gone now. Hannah left to pray in the bushes again. The guys have hard time seeing her so upset. Especially Luke goddamn P. Before the other guys can say, “Jesus hand me some detangler,” he’s off making sure Hannah was okay. She wasn’t. She was freezing. Luke was sorry to hear that, but found it hard to be empathetic to her plight because he was nice and snuggled into an ill-fitted, shitty blue sport coat. What’s that ol’ proverb? Teach a woman to ask a producer to find her a shawl, and she’ll be warm for a night. But make her shiver in her sequins and she’ll totally give you the first impression rose? What the hell, Hannah? Where were your dumb Mystery Incorporated van hoe’s now?
Much mashing of the faces ensues.
Afterwards Luke was sweating balls. Maybe it was the hot makeout sesh or maybe it was his nice warm jacket. Either way it’s gonna be an awkward shower with God tomorrow. He’s even more convinced that Hannah WILL BE WON.
Oh! It’s Chris Harrison ting-tinging a spoon against a champagne glass signifying the party was over. Time for the rose ceremony.
As she doles out the flowers, the producers cut to JOHN PAUL JONES who got increasingly more frantic. Look, bitches, he didn’t forgo a promotion to spend just a few hours here. And goddammit, he was running out of coke! Oh JPJ, have you never seen this show? She hates your guts, but you’re creepy and bat shit crazy so producers love you. You’re golden until at least week 5.
Of course JPJ got the final rose and accepted it WITH GRATITUDE! Can’t say the same thing for that promotion HE GAVE UP TO BE HERE, HANNAH! Now hand him so nose candy!
Old Matt Donald, the Box King, and a bunch of guys I don’t remember seeing were all sent packing.
Old Matt Donald is going to need time to recover from this.
And that guy? Well, he’s super happy for Hannah and hopes she finds love, but he’s really sad for himself. He cries.
Now on to a much shorter episode 2 recap which involves DRAG QUEENS! YESSSSSS!
You guys, its Bachelorette season. Nope, not talking about drunk packs of girls wearing sashes and wobbly heels (although they’re in season too), it’s The Bacheloretteseason, as in my second guiltiest pleasure.
Hanna Brown, a cast-off from Colton McBoringvirginpants’ season, is our new bachelorette. She’s a former Miss Alabama who occasionally enters into Beast Mode and can’t string a single sentence together unless the words Roll goddamn Tide are in it. We get it, Hannah. You’re a fan. Now stop.
Honestly, I can take or leave Hannah. I find it odd that a woman who has trained her whole life to be a pageant queen basically imploded when Colten asked her to make a toast. I mean, my job media trained me so I could coherently talk about demons rising from the abyss. You’d think she must have bankrolled someone to teach her how to articulate her feelings on why bullies and climate change are bad, right?
I haven’t finished the episode yet, but I will offer a hypothesis on how this season goes:
Hannah will meet 25-30 super bros. They’ll be mostly young (24 -ish), most will be named Connor or Luke (Connor = Lauren, Luke = Heather), there will be athletes with baby fever, shy nerds with thick wallets, down-home, good ol’ southern boys who like red Solo cups and wearing Greek letters on their hoodies. And Hannah will love them all. Man, I hope they have a good editor.
So who are the newest crop of brewhams angling for a chance to be the next Bachelor. Let’s take a look.
First, we have extended intros for a smattering of Hannah’s suitors. There’s Tyler NOT YOUR AVERAGE CONTRACTOR from Jupiter, Fl. Incidentally that’s where my parents have a condo and I recognized every location featured in his montage. Well, all but the dusty workspace where he’s gotta cut loose and kick off his Sunday shoes. Oh yes, he’s not average because he’s a dancer! A dancing contractor! SPOILER: my dad sent me a clip from the Jupiter newspaper saying Tyler was spotted at our favorite tiki bar with Miss Hannah herself which can only mean they were there on a hometown date which can only mean he makes it to the top 4. I’m like 113 degrees away from The Bachelor franchise! And Kevin Bacon!
Then there was guy who tries to prove how charming and laid back and nice to animals he is by letting his dog make-out with him and pretending to like it. Also he’s in love with his great grandmother (but in a really charming, laid back, nice to animals sort of way. She was truly adorable.)
We saw a couple guys borrowing, and subsequently awkwardly holding, newborns while the new moms were in the background like, “HOLD THE HEAD UP, YOU DUMB ASS BONG!” Because, baby fever.
And then there’s Luke P. He’s one to watch! He used to be a high school slut until God visited him in the SHOWER and was all like, “Duuuuude! That’s not the guy you want to be!” and Luke P. was all like, “God! I’m in the shower, man! Can this wait? Also, yah it is!” But Luke P. believed God and now spends all his time reading the Bible and studying up on how to be a good husband.
And OMG, John Paul Jones. What in the actual brokaki is happening here? I’m shocked it has taken producers this long to unearth this crotch turd. Is he an actor? Because HE IS NOT A REAL PERSON. He’s an animated caricature of romcom high school villain. He’s someone the Teen Titans would fight. You look at him and immediately stuff yourself in a locker. Also, he goes by JOHN PAUL JONES. Not John Paul, or JP, or John. You must say ALL THREE NAMES. SAY IT!
We also saw some wimpy dude who’s voice kept cracking.
And God in a Shower Stall help us all: We got Joe the Grocer, Part II. It’s Joe the BOX KING from Chicago. I ask you, Bachelor producers–is this a trope we really need? Joe the BOX KING is fronting the family box empire. He’s got a box for all your needs! Moving? Got it! Box for your junk? Got that too! Junk? Yep, he’s got junk and damn proud of it. On my nerves. Make like a budget international package and ship off , Joe.
Okay, let’s get to the limo exits! One of my favorite parts of the first episode is sizing up how Chris Harrison treats the star. You can pretty much tell if he likes them, tolerates them, or is plain old dreading this season. I think he’s already tired of Miss Alabama, her fear of words, and love of sequins. There will be sequins. So many sequins.
Chris is decent. Not overly excited, but she’s no Juan Pablo either. He never told her she looked good even though she stepped out of the limo looking like the solar system and was clearly waiting for the compliment. That’s some serious shade, right there. Let the journey begin!
Garrett: Pro golfer, from Alabama. Wants to be her hole in one. Probably a top contender.
Mike: Lives by the 5 C’s. Charisma, confidence? Cheesiness? Cleft chin? No idea. Who freakin’ cares. This guy makes out with dogs.
Jed: From Nashville. Let me guess, Jed, YOU’RE A MUSICIAN?
Tyler C.: NOT YOUR AVERAGE CONTRACTOR. “Hey Hannah, you look hot, come find me later, I have a surprise in store for you.” Gross. I feel dirty! I want a shower but God is in there and taking forever!
Dylan: Cute smile, seems nice. Won’t last long.
Connor S.: Jumped a fence for her. Jesus, how tall is this guy?
Devin: Belongs on a dance floor. Made some dumb joke pretending to be a virgin. M’kay, Devin.
JOHNPAULJONES: “My name is John Paul Jones, my friends call me John Paul Jones, so you can call me John Paul Jones, see ya inside.” Douchebag.
(I will say that Hannah’s reaction to him instantly endeared her to me. After he walked away she said to herself, “Say JOHNPAULJONES three times fast! Okay, got it!” Good one, Hannah! Too bad saying it doesn’t make Bloody Mary appear and eat his head.)
Brian: Too nervous. Seems like he should be hosting supermarket-themed game shows.
Scott: Also totally nervous. Looking for a life partner. Look for a stiff drink and a half tablet of Benadryl instead, Scott. You’ll be fine.
Matteo: “Uhh, know that feeling when someone is so hot and you just want to make-out with them so bad that you loose your breath? Yeah, I’m like totally experiencing that right now.”
Daron: Tried to go in the wrong door and that is the most interesting thing about this guy.
Tyler G.: Since he found out she was the Bachelorette, she’s been in ALL HIS DREAMS. Hey Tyler? Murder much?
Thomas: Meeting Hannah is almost as good as traveling. Or something like that.
Matthew: Occupation is car bid spotter? What the…?
Box King Joe: Arrived in a giant package. Because of course. All I could think about was who is going to clean up all those damn styrofoam peanuts? YOU CHECK ALL OF MY BOXES!
Joey: Shows up with a carseat and shushes the contents. Surprise! Not a baby! It’s champagne. Let’s get this party started!
Connor J.: Speaks French to a girl who can’t quite grasp English.
Ryan: Rolls in on skates. ROLL TIDE. Ohhh, I get it! Get the f*$k gone, Ryan.
Hunter: Gives her a tie so together they can “tie the knot.” How about…NOT?!
Grant: Okay, first his occupation is listed as Unemployed. Second, he’s eating a hotdog as part of his schtick. Third, he’s talking with his mouth full. Fourth, he’s maybe the worst contestant in Bachelor history. Like ever. If I were Hannah I’d be pissed they gave him a spot instead of say, Steve Bannon or a Tide Pod.
Jonathan: Gave her pizza. Pizza his heart! Heeyyyyyyyy!
Kevin: Dropped a bunch of footballs. “Guess I fumbled that intro!”
Luke P.: Got on limo, roared, called himself Kind of the Jungle. Wants her to be queen. God is not here for that, Luke. Hannah’s the one handing out titles.
Luke S.: Thinks Hannah has a calming presence. In fact, he’s so calm he’s boring.
Dustin: Sneakers and nose ring.
Cam: Got the first rose during the After the Final Rose show because of his white boy rapping skillz. He raps again. Okay, Cam, here’s the deal, the rapping needs to stop. Like now. Also saying things like, “ABC, always be Cam” and “spitting bars like Willy Wonka” should also stop now.
Matt: His name is Matt Donald. Showed up on a tractor. Get it? Ol’ Matt Donald.
Chasen: What the hell is that name, Chasen? He’s a pilot. But he’s not the only pilot. Which displeases him.
Peter: He’s also a pilot but was smart enough to show up in uniform. Damn, Chasen! He was gonna wear his uniform! Hannah loves a guy in uniform. *My pick for first impression rose.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is your 2019 Bachelorette Cast of millennials with just the right amount of facial hair and bony ankle bits poking out of their cropped skinny jeans. And that is also as much as I could stand to watch tonight.
What happens next? How long will it take Hannah to hand out a rose? How many times does someone threaten to throw JOHNPAULJONES in the pool? Who does God visit in the shower next? Stay tuned, we’re getting there!
We have “free tables” at the office. Every floor has one. It’s where people dump stuff they think their co-workers will really love. Kind of like Goodwill if Goodwill had to flee in the middle of the night and could only take 99% of their best stuff. It’s a crapshoot. Usually erring more on the side of crap. Occasionally you might find some Magic cards or a stack of Entertainment Weekly’s from 2013 and sometimes you get a half eaten bag of microwave popcorn and a litter box.
Today Bart found this little gem on the free table and brought it straight to me. I’m sure he thought I’d be all, “Gross! Get rid of this nonsense!” but HA HA! Joke’s on him. I KEPT IT! Why? Because it’s gold! Also, I think it’s my bizarro family.
Just take a look at the photo, will you? The similarities are uncanny!
*There’s (presumably) a mom, a dad, and a frightened looking child who is wondering what he did in a past life to end up the spawn of these two yahoos. (And that kid looks eerily like my own child.)
*The dad is wearing super flowy, high waisted beach pants. Just like Bart!
*The child is sticking an elbow right up his dad’s very bulbous butthole. Also an occurrence that happens a lot in our house.
*The mom is working! She is not relaxed!
Other things to note, the back cover copy suggests the following:
*The principals highlighted in this video are on “the crest of a healing wave of the future!” You heard it here first! Massage is going to be really popular one day! Book your sessions now!
*By massaging your friends and family in your own home, you can heal them “through the gift of touch!” Add massage to your next dinner party or poker night. NOT CREEPY AT ALL. You’re doing them a favor!
*Bring a new level of family closeness by sticking your bony bits into the deepest crevices of your most familial.
*This DVD costs $39.95. And Bart got it for FREE! That alone deserves a massage!
Friends, don’t wait! Get in on this healing magic today! We were going to watch Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse tomorrow night, but no way. Bust out the flowy beach pants. It’s family bonding time.
We’ve all seen the previews for this season of The Bachelor. We all have the same questions:
Why’d they pick Colton Underwhelming?
Is he still a virgin?
Why does he take a flying leap over that fence???
Also, why is Shelly so far behind in her recaps?
Well, good questions. All of them. I got behind. Like more behind than the lawnchairs at Bachelor Mansion. I think it’s like week 4 or something? And well…yawn…I’m bored. But okay, let’s talk about things.
Here’s what you’ve been missing:
Remember when I thought Ari’s season was so boring? Well, it was, but this season might make all of last season look like the spawn of Breaking Bad and that episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey when Teresa flipped the table. Colton is just plain awkward. Like about-to-lose-your-virginity-in-a-fantasy-suite-on-TV-awkward. He can’t make conversation to save his life. He’s more terrified of being alone with women than Mike Pence. He lacks charisma, passion, and decent facial hair. There are not enough gratuitous soapy shower scenes to get me on board. I’m just not that into him.
But thirty other women apparently are. Or apparently willing to act like they are for a shot at getting sidebared in Us Weekly. Who are this season’s dirt-thirsty ladies vying for Colton’s V-card? Well, you’ve got your bunch o’ blondes with blunt-end bobs and barrel curls, a few unstable, insecure brunettes with giant mouths and bony chests, and a bevy of beautiful minority women who will drop like diaphragms in the fantasy suite once we hit week 3.
I can’t remember them all, but here are the tropes you need to know:
Demi: 24, bimbo next door, sexually aggressive, PV understudy, clearly wants to be the villain, enjoys antagonizing the cougars (girls over the age of 27)
Hannah G: Yes, of course there are 2 Hannahs! This one got of the important roses. First impression? I think? Clearly not the memorable Hannah.
Hannah B.: Miss Alabama, y’all! Hates Caelynn.
Caelynne: Miss North Carolina, y’all! Hates Hannah B.
Onyeka: The outspoken African American woman whom the producers will play up to be angry and competitive.
Heather: Never been kissed. Clearly a one-upper.
Elyse: Seems sad to be on The Bachelor. Like a 6th grader who’s family moved from a small town in Olklahoma to a Chicago suburb. She’ll make friends eventually. Cougar.
Tracy: Unhinged and hungry. Looks like she lost 7 pounds between commercials. Would like to murder Demi. Cougar.
Nicole: Sassy Latina, has twin autistic brother whom SHE WILL NEVER LEAVE. Unless it’s to find her secondary beneficiary on reality TV. I’m not sure we have a single mom this season so she might be filling that void.
So they all get out of the limo and squeal about how handsome Colton is and how they can’t believe their only impression was seeing his bad facial hair through a tinted limo window, yet they can already see a future with him.
The first group date of the episode is at a theater where they get a quick lesson in storytelling from Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally whose advice included, “I don’t think you can say hot as f*ck” and “Oh, yeah, you can totally swear on The Bachelor.”
The girls ran off with their mole skin notebooks to jot down notes about their memorable “firsts.”
Elyse talked about how she used to date older dudes… until now. Demi was super impressed with her brutal honestly. “There’s no advantage to being old.”
Elyse is 31.
Onyeka’s story was about having to save Colton from “drowning in a bunch of thirsty bitches.” Uh, Onyeka, you gotta know your audience. Those thirsty bitches were right there! And they were not impressed.
Tracy told a tale about how her and her buddy tried to deflower the same guy. Blah blah blah, she woke up to the other girl punching her in the face. The end.
Demi’s story was about how she usually sleeps with guys on the first date and was sort of pissed Colton didn’t consider her getting out of a limo their first date. She stormed off the stage and planted a big, old kiss on his mouth. That’ll learn him. Naturally the other girls were HORRIFIED! They wanted their first kiss to be consensual! Who the hell would just go off and kiss a dude square on the lips! ON TV! You think guys want hot, (albeit in a torch-your-car-after-carving-your-initials-into-his-bare-shoulder-blade-with a-butter-knife sort of way) 24 year-old chicks to just throw themselves at their feet? Not cool, Demi!
After the show, the group convened at a rooftop bar (surprise!), where Colton was assaulted once more by Demi who forced him to compliment her earlier bold move. Terrified, he admitted he, “liked her confidence.”
“Oh, I’m all about confidence,” she said.
“Yeah, I can see that.”
“I’m a total woman’s supporter.”
Oh, yep, Demi. Totally. You’re like a big, old underwire bra.
When she rejoined the bored, sad cougar girls, she grabbed the date rose, rubbed it over her body like it was a bar of Camay soap, and claimed that bitch was hers. Ew, Demi, you can have it! No one wants a rose with your herpes on it!
People, let’s chat about protocol for a minute here. You don’t touch the date rose. LIKE EVER. That rose is not yours to hand out. It’s THE BACHELOR’S. That rose is sacred. It is to be looked upon with wanton lust like it literally holds the key for the rest of your happy days because it LITERALLY DOES. But you must never touch it! Remember black Jesus in Madonna’s Like a Prayer video? YOU DON’T TOUCH BLACK JESUS, MADONNA! Black Jesus is the rose!
This brazen act made Tracy short of breath. Like literally sick to her stomach.
You are not a good Cuban girl from Miami if you don’t tell someone off in the first episode. Nicole is a good Cuban girl from Miami.
Nicole: ¿Que demonios, dummy?
Demi: Yah. Totally sorry.
Nicole: That rose is not a blacklight, bitch. Why you got to be rubbing it all over yourself?
Demi wasn’t 100% sure, but she thought Nicole was angry because “she had a frowny face on.” Or maybe that was just her face. It’s hard to tell with older women because they’re just so darn wrinkly!
Bored of getting yelled at by old ladies, Demi took to spying on Furby and Colton as they made out. Demi fed off other girls kissing Colton. Demi was hungry.
Elyse’s story about dating older dudes impressed Colton so much, he bequeathed her with the Demi-tainted date rose. Hmm, is there an advantage to being an older woman here?
Meanwhile we learn about Caelynn and Hannah’s storied backstory. They were roommates at Miss America. Friends turned enemies. Caelynn is fake. Hannah B. is insecure. They are both toxic, manipulative, and jealous. Hannah B. will crumble. Caelynn’s true colors will kill the very soul of Colton in this life and every past one. He will want to jump over a fence before handing either girl a rose. Eventually. Right now he still thinks their both smoking hot.
Hannah B. got the first one on one much to Caelynn’s dismay. But it was her birthday!
To celebrate (he had no clue), Colton took Hannah to the desert for some ebullient conversation:
Colton: Look at these views.
Hannah B. So pretty.
Colton: Have you ever seen rock formations like this?
Hannah B. I think so? Is this Arizona-ish?
Uh oh. Colton was not impressed. He expected more from Miss Alabama, but the conversation is…dull. When in doubt, put on a tiny bathing suit and disappear into a portable, strategically placed hot tub. More comfortable in less clothes, Hannah B. started to open up.
Hannah B.: If things aren’t perfect, I will spiral and CUT A BITCH.
Colton: Ha ha ha! Let’s make a toast!
Hannah B.: I don’t know how to do that.
Then she spent the next 33 minutes pulling an eyelash off Colton’s face.
The second group of girls headed off to Camp Bachelor where they wore silly uniforms, play Duck Duck Goose and Red Rover, and make catty remarks about each other. This totally reminds me of college. (Theater major, heyyyyyyyyyy!)
Colton said, “shuttlecock” and all the girls blushed.
Then comedian Billy Eichner showed up for no good reason. Colton’s cue card forced him to say he was a big fan because “Billy just says what’s on his mind!” So cool!
Billy announced the girls were going to compete in some good old fashioned camp games. Losers go home, winners go to sleepaway camp with Colton. Everyone has to get to third base in the woods.
Wait. I could win and have to sleep in the mud, pee in a bucket, and not be able to plug in my flat iron OR lose and go back to a heated pool and craft services at Bachelor Mansion? Hmm…
Onyeka promised to murder someone if she got sent home because some dumb, skinny bitch couldn’t walk a straight line while balancing an egg on a spoon in her mouth hole.
Red team won.
Yellow team cried.
Ol’ virgin lips Heather wanted to tell Colton she’s never kissed a boy but is scared he’ll think she’s not ready for marriage. Umm, honey? You’re not ready for an 8th grade dance, but you do you!
Wouldn’t you know it? She got the date rose!
Twenty other women are in need of roses by the time we get to the cocktail party. Honestly I don’t know if this is Episode 2 or 3 or even The Bachelor anymore. I kind of wasn’t paying attention. (Shh…)
Demi prophesizes a hard night ahead–especially for the older girls having to stand around in their high heels and compression stockings.
Some chick blasted an air horn whenever she wanted Colton’s attention. The other girls just loved that!
And becasue ABC has already given up on this season, they’re not even trying to cover up shoddy camera work or keep staffers out of their shots. Could this guy be the next bachelor? Or at least the next Fuji Water Girl.
Seriously, who was this guy???
Sydney can’t take the damn air horn so she came outside banging a spoon and cookie tray in Colton’s face.
Air horn said she ain’t leaving.
So Sydney came back with a beverage tub and mallet.
The other girls were so confused. Were they supposed to be banging spoons against large, metal objects too? Was that a euphemism for what they were going to do to Colton in the fantasy suite?
Colton lost another eyelash.
Demi came out wearing a bathrobe and forced Colton to go upstairs with her.
Tracy was not having it. Uh uh. That cougar was on the scent and it smelled remarkably like jalapeno margaritas and Monistat 7.
Turns out Demi was only giving Colton an innocent massage. And she had her cocktail dress on under that robe. Silly! What did you think was happening?
Demi confronted her.
Tracy felt disrespected.
Demi told Tracy she was one of the most amazing women and storytellers she’s ever met. But she was only 23 and hasn’t met a lot of people yet. But still, she was cool for a cougar. Then she filled up her cocktail, laid down, and waited for her rose.
At the rose ceremony, Colton felt hopeful. HIS WIFE WAS IN THAT ROOM. Or not. But for sure the girl who would let him dock at her harbor was in that room. Hey man, ABC was paying for the condoms. This was happening!
Tracy’s face went from confused to disturbed to deranged having to watch those other women (including THAT CHILD, DEMI) get roses. Of course she was the last rose of the night.
Angelique on the other hand was surprised she didn’t get a rose. She felt it, ya know? He seemed like a genuine nice guy but how could he be? He didn’t give her a rose!
Annie didn’t think he got to know her. That was her biggest fear and it happened and she got her heart ripped out of her chest. It was so embarrassing and now she just wants to go home. Well, guess what! Annie, please pack your stripper heels and go.
So, uh, yep. That’s what you missed. Or at least all I can remember from the first three episodes. Who cares? Oh, fine, I do, I guess. At least until we find out why Colton jumps over that stupid fence.
A woman learns a lot from her mother. Definitely true in my case. My mom has enriched my life by exposing me to the beliefs, values, and norms of others so I may become a citizen of the world.
You might remember maternal wisdom nuggets like this and this. I owe it all to my mother’s guiding light (which happens to be invisible like that of the infrared beam cast from a remote control onto a television.)
The holidays bring us together and provide the perfect foundation
(her bed) for us to reconnect (watch tv) and expose me to new and enriching
opportunities (reality tv.)
And because this citizen
of the world is a selfless governess of cultural evangelism, I am here to
educate you on one of the most amazing reality phenomena you are surely not witnessing.
Ladies and gentlemen, have you heard the good news about Love After Lockup? Here, take a pamphlet.
Love After Lockup introduces several couples in various stages of their journey from confinement to consummation. In some cases they knew each other prior to the big lockup, but most cases a sexy mugshot was all it took to put pen to paper (and usually credit card to commissary) and find love after lock up.
First up was Brittany and Marcelino. It was Brittany’s release day after 2 years in the slammer for some dumb, old robbery charges. P’shaw. That was nothing compared to the 5 years she spent in la slammarita for drugs and shit. Marcelino was an earnest gentleman who’s main goal was to, “erase her past tumountants” and give the woman he’s only ever seen through plexiglass a better life. It’s a sweet goal and one maybe better served on a shelter dog, but whatever. Parolees before puppies, bitches. Marcelino and Brittany are ready to take their relationship to the “in-person” stage and we are here for it.
Marcelino waited outside the jail for 7 seconds, muttering about her whereabouts. WHERE IS SHE, MAN??? She should have been here by now. Clearly THE MAN is trying to f*ck over his girl. He’s been waiting a year for this moment. To enhance the drama, the producers encouraged Marcelino to turn his back on the prison so he totally misses Brittany’s exit and her first breath of sweet, sweet freedom.
“BABY!” She yelled, because she was unsure which of her correspondents had come to pick her up.
She threw her arms and a tall kitchen garbage bag full of commissary purchases around his neck. They awkwardly embraced like two people who have not ever spoken without the use of a telephone. Upon disentanglement, she handed him several pieces of paper that included the rules and regulations for her release.
Don’t do drugs.
Don’t kill anyone.
Don’t steal shit that’s not yours.
Do check in with your patrol officer.
“Don’t have any FUN!” Marcelino yelled, clearly unaware of why people go to prison in the first place. To him Brittany is Rudolph and the American Prison System was all of the other reindeer.
As they drove away, he stuck his middle finger out the driver’s side window and encouraged her to do the same.
“Uhh, ha, okay,” she said, pointing a timid middle digit toward the dashboard.
“NO!” Marcelino yelled. “OUT THE WINDOW! To them! To the people who won’t let you have any fun!”
Brittany agreed, reluctantly, because “do not flip off the jail as you drive away” was #14 on her rules and regulations.
Brittany asked Marcelino to take her to the desert because she need a “moment of alone time.” Rightfully so, she wanted to take in the silence and clear her head. He pulled over on the side of a busy road where she proceed to walk 8 feet from the car. Ahhhhh, namaste! Serenity now!
Marcelino takes “a moment” literally because within seconds he’s on her, talking loudly about how great silence is and how much she must have missed this. I feel ya, Brittany. Good luck.
Next we met Lizzie and Scott.
Approximately 1 hour after Scott picked Lizzie up from prison, she was filling a plastic garbage can at a gas station mini mart because, “she hasn’t been to a store in so long” and Scott promised her “anything she wanted.” What she wanted was junk food, Yoohoo’s, and scratch off lottery tickets. Fill it up, my pretty prison princess! Since they began their correspondence THREE YEARS AGO, Scott had given Lizzie $92,000. Yes. That much. He is now broke and afraid to tell her. Terrible timing!
Lizzie’s fantastic first freedom day continued at the local Comfort Inn. There Lizzie, her embarrassed, awkward daughter, Scott’s embarrassed awkward son, and Scott checked into to two rooms (on Scott of course!) so they can chill out, relax, and reconnect. Boys in one room, girls in the other, because Lizzie didn’t believe in premarital sex. I mean, she did. Definitely before prison and even sometimes in prison, but not now that she’s out of prison. She was born again! Saved! Found Jesus in a pile of chicken gravy. Not sure Scott got the memo, but I’m sure he’s totally cool with it.
First thing Lizzie did in her comped mini-suite was spontaneously stage a mother-daughter jumpfest on the king sized bed. Her daughter was like, “Eh…there’s cameras here and so is that sad, squirrely dude you swindled out of $92,000, and being a teenager is hard enough without my friends seeing me jump on a Comfort Inn mattress with my ex-con mom.” But clearly Lizzie puts the CON in convincing because in seconds they’re squealing and holding hands and realizing jumping on mattresses isn’t really that much fun. Pooped, the girls fall into the bed, which Scott takes as a sign that he should join them.
Lizzie didn’t really have much in the wardrobe department, so she tasked her daughter with going to the Forever 21 outlet and buying a bunch of clothes 3 sizes too small. Her first ensemble was a painful bikini that pumped her internal organs through various folds and tucks of flesh like royal icing through a pastry bag.
Lizzie trotted down the hallway in her swimsuit and platform flip-flops to wash the stench of incarceration off her body and be baptized in the glory of chlorine and Giardia.
Meanwhile, we saw a sad Scotty pace around the parking lot, afraid things have changed now that Lizzie was a free woman. So this is what $92,000 and a ride home from prison got you? It was like she was ignoring him or something. Like she only wanted him to buy her gas station food and pay for a hotel room so she could hang out with the daughter whose formative years were spent with a mother behind bars. Lizzie didn’t even know he was broke yet! She had no business treating him like this!
After 9 hours in the pool, Lizzie noticed Scott wasn’t there. She found him sulking in the parking lot and berated him for being alone.
“Are you mad at me,” he asked her.
“Your body language says you are.”
“Well, you’re a goddamn fragile egg! Why are you trying to mess up my prison release day? You know this shit only happens once a year!”
“Welp,” a forlorn looking Scott said, “It’s not going to
Y’all are gonna need a shot of penicillin before I tell you about Matt and Caitlyn. We met our heroine on Matt’s release day. This should have been a happy occasion, but instead she’s in an empty parking lot, sobbing in her car because for SOME INEXPLICABLE REASON Matt wasn’t at the designated meeting spot. I’m still not sure why and honestly it doesn’t matter because some seriously crazy, gross shit went down (that’s a hint) when these 2 ass clowns finally do meet.
A cop told Caitlyn to follow his windowless, white van to an even emptier parking lot where Matt will allegedly be deposited. Because she’s never seen a Lifetime movie she unquestionably agreed and peeled away, still shaking and sobbing.
Caitlyn and Matt are the real deal. She saw his photo online and decided he was hot and that was that. They started a correspondence and he proposed over the phone. She felt confident in their relationship, but sometimes worried about how comfortable Matt felt in prison. It’s his happy place, okay?
But wait. What’s that? A van? With someone in the back? OMG, can it be????
Matt jumped out of the van and it was all cupped ass cheeks and open mouth kisses from then on.
Matt said it had been 3 years since he had sex and as reliable and attached as he was to his hand, he’s kind of tired of it.
“I’m ready for Caitlyn.” Gosh that’s romantic!
As they were walking to her car, Caitlyn came to the realization that she’s never seen Matt’s penis. Also romantic!
“You’re gonna have to show that to me,” she said. “I need to inspect you.”
Used to taking orders and pulling down his pants, Matt obliged. He smiled out the passenger side window and Caitlyn shrieked.
They drive away to a nice, cozy clearing on the side of the road where they hump on a pile garbage and roadkill.
Our last couple isn’t actually a couple. No, not because they have common sense, values, or self-esteem. Because they’re actually a trio, silly!
Michael had a baby with Sarah. According to Michael they are no longer together. Megan fell in love with Michael while he was in jail. These long-distance jaillovebirds have been “together” for a year and a half. Megan knows about Michael’s baby mama, but she’s not worried. She knows he will always be honest and try really hard not to cheat on her. Megan was planning on flying out to be there for Michael’s release day. Oh, and loose her virginity because “It’s about time.” Megan was so excited!
Megan wasn’t the only one excited! Or more specifically excited to pick Michael up from prison. Sarah didn’t know about Megan. Oh, and she’s married to Michael. Oopsie! Michael is not detail oriented.
While Megan was printing her boarding pass, Michael called to say she shouldn’t come.
“Nah, it’s cool. I got a ride. Plus I gotta deal with some baby mama shit and see my kid and stuff.”
Megan was all “WTF! I bought a new pair of leggings for the plane! Why you telling me this shit now???”
Michael promised he had something “real special” planned for them instead. Megan wished Michael told her this before her shelled out three paychecks on a nonrefundable plane ticket. Now she’s questioning their whole relationship. Was he being shady? And she’s still a virgin. She found a restroom and cried in a bathroom stall.
The verdict: Is it possible to find love after lockup? I have no idea because that’s where this episode ended. Is it possible to love Love After Lockup? Yes, I’m afraid it is. It’s been days and I can’t stop thinking about these Godforsaken people. Did Scott ever tell Lizzie he’s broke? Did Brittany ever get any time alone? Did Matt and Caitlyn get eaten by a bear while humping in a rest area garbage can? Is the bear okay???
This show had remarkable similarities to The Bachelor, which is probably why I liked it. Deep down I’m a sucker for hopeful romantics. All they really want is love. And $92,000 worth of nacho cheese and beef sticks. And isn’t that something we can all relate to?
I’m a goddamn adult, people! No one can tell me not to eat but me! So why did I tell myself not to eat?
Good question. I really don’t know why people fast. Perhaps I should Google that? My trailer thought it would be a good idea because I kept complaining about the 11 pounds I gained since summer. (On Weight Watchers*. I gained 11 pounds as a Weight Watchers member. A Weight Watchers member with a personal trainer.) Also, it’s cleansing. And apparently I need that.
Tomorrow I’m firing my trainer.
But first I must get through today without turning into this guy. No offense, Fred.
This would be really hard. I’m an eater. I live for food. I grew up getting praised for how much food I could pack away. My appetite was the stuff of legend. You thought the relatives were there for the turkey and camaraderie? Oh no, they were there to see “Moo Moo” eat an entire box of Rice-a-Roni and seven pork chops before polishing off an entire box of Entenmann’s donuts.
If there is anything nine hours of not eating has taught me it’s how much I love eating. But alas, today I had nothing to look forward to.
“Well, I guess I’ll just go to sleep as soon as I come home from work,” I told Bart.
“Really?” he asked. “You can’t think of one thing worth staying up for that doesn’t involve food?”
I thought about it. Hallmark holiday movies? ASMR videos? those weird kombucha beverages my trainer told me to drink in lieu of actual food? NO! I HAD NOTHING!
At 10:08 PM last night I bid adieu to food by channeling the very hungry caterpillar and eating a granola bar, a bowl of honey wheat pretzels sticks, two string cheeses, a handful of Quinn’s Halloween candy (you snooze, you loose, kid), chocolate Teddy Grahams, and a bagel with whipped cream cheese. I figured this was like a marathon runners carbo-loading before the big race, right?
At 10:45 PM, I stared long and hard at the pantry, committing to memory the beauty it held within. Goodbye, Trader Joe’s Cheese Puffs, farewell, yogurt covered raisin, godspeed, caramel corn. I didn’t even know you.
How would I ever get through the day? Like this:
6:10 AM: The only time I’m not hungry is when I wake up. I eat my breakfast when I get to work about 2 hours later. But this morning I was absolutely ravenous. So I drank twice as much black coffee hoping it would fill the Egg McMuffin shaped void in my gut.
8:00 AM: I’M SHAKING!
8:45AM: Shit’s starting to get real. OMG, I thought. I won’t even get to enjoy a last meal before I die. I texted my friend to take my mind off of it.
Me: i’m fasting. my trainer told me to do it. and i’m only allowed to drink kombucha drinks. and i’m dying. for real. this is the end of me. i will be murdered by visions of fried ravioli and cheese sticks. i will miss you. will you check on Zini once in a while?
Friend: Of course I’ll check on Zini! You had a good run …
Me: I’d say I’m a walking HR nightmare right now, but I’m not because I’m too weak to walk. But I’m getting meaner by the minute. Why can’t adults pick their feet up when they walk??? Stop shuffling! I can’t take the sound of shuffling! It’s like a reverse ASMR video. Imma gonna cut a’ bitch, i swear!
Me: omg i’m dyyyyyyinnnnnngggg. why do i love food so much?
Friend: How long has it been since you ate?
Me: Counting sleep? TEN HOURS!
Friend: Oh for f*ck’s sake…
Me: I can feel my skin sinking into my cheekbones. i’m decomposing!!!
Friend: Bet you look amazing! Like the Crypt Keeper!
Me: goodbye cruel world.
10:12 AM: I finished my first kombucha drink. And guess what! I was totally full and satisfied!
Of course I wasn’t full or satisfied! I consumed 25 liquid calories! I was STARVING! Alone! Naked and Afraid! (On the inside anyway.)
11:23 AM: Facebook is in my head, man. Why are they serving me cheese fondue ads????
11:24 AM: Nope. Not cheese fondue. That’s an ad for Estroven. But still– F#@K Off, Facebook!
11:41 AM: WHEN DOES THE CLEAN FEELING KICK IN???
11:52 AM: I should be getting all excited for my lunch. Instead I cry at my desk. Yummmmmm…salty tears. Reminds me of chocolate covered pretzels…No! GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!
12:01 PM: Ginger flavored kombucha. Wow. So good.
12:06 PM: Uh oh. Co-worker dropped his lunch of floor. Bahahahahahaha!!!!
12:07 PM: Feel bad for laughing at co-worker. I’m a terrible person. What good is a clean digestive track if my heart is so sullied?
12:14 PM: Friend posts photo of kid’s fifth birthday party. OMG WHAT WOULD I DO FOR A TINY CUP OF APPLESAUCE.
1:28 PM: Catch Bart eating homemade snickerdoodle. Act like he was caught with a prostitute. Shove him into the printer and tell him not to come home tonight.
1:44 PM: Do NOT feel cleansed. Not even a little.
1:58 PM: Is my watch getting looser????? Are my rings about to fall off???? Should I get a sandwich or go bathing suit shopping?
2:00 PM to 5:00 PM: Record Dragon Talk all afternoon. Manage to segue all conversation back to food. Sip kombucha and eat a pack of gum. Feel bad.
6:45 PM: Return home shaky but safely. Did you know there is trace amounts of alcohol in these kombucha drinks? Probably shouldn’t have had 6 in a row. Jesus god why does our house smell so good????
6:46 PM: Bart and Quinn flee the kitchen. I overhear Quinn ask Bart if mommy is sick.
“Yes,” Bart told him.
7:14 PM: I open my last bottle of juice.
7:16 PM: Drank juice.
7: 23 PM: Is that a cleansing feeling? Nope. Just have to pee.
7:49 PM: Occupy mind by cleaning out the cabinet above the refrigerator. Found 3 full size Snickers bars! Realize I live with monsters. WHO DID THIS???
8:24 PM: Quinn and I practice sight words with flash cards.
Imagine eating those yummy, pulpy flashcards. If I eat non-food, am I still fasting?
9:07 PM: Make black bean and corn salad for lunch tomorrow. Is this what is feels like to watch your 7th grade crush dance to Almost Paradise with you best friend? (Yes. Yes, it is.)
9:12 PM: Close my eyes mid-blink and have a flashback about Friendly’s ice cream sundaes.
9:43 PM: Get ready for bed. Toothpaste is delicious! Brush teeth for 20 minutes. No need to rinse!
10:03 PM: Thought about going to bed, but stayed up pinning things to my Holiday Appetizer board. Watch your back, brie and cranberry crostini.
10:38 PM: Resigned. I am hungry and sad. This is my life now.
10:38 PM: Reminded myself this was not in fact my life now. I had a whole house full of food. Not eating today was a choice. A poor choice, but a choice none-the-less. Thought about people who were hungry not by choice. Thought about our compost bin filled with the lunch Quinn didn’t feel like eating.
10:38 PM: Felt like a big, superficial assface.
10:38 PM: Definitely don’t feel cleansed.
11:44 PM: Read entire issue of Us Weekly before falling asleep. Never noticed how miserable and sad skinny celebrities looked.
6:13 AM: Woke up surprised I didn’t chew through my pillow case. All limbs still in tact. Bart still breathing. Oddly, not hungry.
6:40 AM: Packed up 95% of our canned goods.
8:03 AM: Dropped canned goods at local food bank on way to work.
8:05 AM: Cleansed.
*Okay, so maybe “on Weight Watchers” is pushing it. While I attended meetings and tracked on Wednesdays and Thursdays, I might have been eating 85 points a day and maybe forgetting to track alcohol. Maybe.
He used to live at Target, where I took Quinn to buy (more) Halloween decorations. Halloween, as it turns out, is the new Christmas when it comes to decorating our house which means Christmas is the new “holy-shit-its-balls-out-bananas-up-in-this-illuminated-like-Vegas-on-acid-gingerbread-abode.” I can’t wait!
Anyway, we saw Fred, who at the time was just an unknown plastic skeleton heaped in a pile of other unknowns. He was meant to be an outside decoration. Maybe sitting on chair, bony hand raised in salutation, or maybe crouched on a tree ready to lunge at the school kids who walk by. (Which will do wonders for our newly minted kindergartener’s social game. “You want to play with the kid whose mom dropped a plastic skeleton on your ass? Umm, no.”)
But, nope. That was not to be Fred’s fate. Quinn yanked him off the shelf and no sooner was a friendship borne.
“I love him,” Quinn said.
“That’s fine,” I said. “Love is love. Put him in the cart.”
“He’s almost the same size as me.”
“Eh, your body types are similar, but you’ve got a good four inches on him.”
“I’m going to carry him,” Quinn said, putting Fred’s arms around his neck. “Let’s go Fred!”
Yes, beat feet, Beetlejuice! I had purple lights and giant plushy spiders and maybe a pair of upended Frankenstein boots buy. Let’s go, kids!
Quinn carried his skeletal friend around Target. They held hands, put their arms around each other’s shoulders, pushed all of our groceries, Halloween decorations, and $582 worth of subliminally selected merchandise I didn’t know I needed, but now can’t live with out, aside so I could push them in the cart like they were two-bit councilmen up for re-election in small town Forth of July parade.
“What’s this guy’s name?” I asked.
“Fred,” Quinn said. “Definitely Fred.”
While I loaded the bags into the trunk Quinn buckled Fred into the backseat.
“Fred wants McDonald’s,” Quinn said. “He’s never had it before.”
“Oh, unfortunately Fred doesn’t have a stomach so I’m afraid it would just fall out.” Which, come to think of it, is what happens to people with stomachs who eat McDonald’s.
When we got home, Quinn brought Fred inside, straight past the porch chair I imagined him sitting on, past his acquaintance whose body parts we planted on the lawn, past the Happy Meal Bart must have picked up for his lunch while he was out running errands.
“This is my room,” I heard him say. “This is your room too. This is my box of action figures. This is where we keep the Legos. You can sleep right…here.”
They hung out together the rest of the day. They Face-timed my parents, watched three episodes of Peppa Pig, even took a bath together. Fred hit the 25% off mass market Halloween decoration lottery with this kid. That floppy mess of plastic was practically beaming when he got out of the bath more likely because Quinn washed him with my luxury, salon-grade, for color-treated hair mask. But whatever.
Oh yes, Fred may have been dead but he was living the life.
Until the incident.
Never good. Nope. Never. That’s when my fight or flight instinct takes over and I run for the front door.
“You have to help Fred!!!”
Oh, it’s Fred! Fred I can handle. No offense, Fred, but at least there won’t be blood.
Quinn ran down the hall with Fred in one hand and Fred’s right arm in his other hand.
“It just came off!” Quinn said, handing me Fred’s appendage.
“I can fix it!”
First rule of parenting 101: Never say “I can fix it” before you’ve properly assessed this damage. Fred’s arm was toast. It was a clean break ripped right out of the socket. I saw my future and it involved another trip to the seasonal section of Target. And maybe a chevron throw pillow. And an acacia wood server. And an artificial succulent in a brass pot. And a bed for Puppy. And new booties for me. And a bathing suit for Quinn in case Bart ever enrolls him in swimming lessons. Goddamnit, Fred! Couldn’t you keep your hands to yourself?
Before I could say “get your shoes on” Quinn had Fred propped up on a kitchen chair.
“Know what’s scarier than a skeleton?” he asked. “A ONE ARMED SKELETON! Fred’s the coolest!”
Wow. Good attitude, kid. Not today, acacia wood platter. (But definitely another day. You’re gorgeous.)
The next day Quinn introduced his buddy Maddex to Fred. I heard “Cool” and then “MOMMMMMMMMMMMMY!”
Both boys ran down the hall brandishing one of Fred’s arms.
“Now we each get a skeleton hand!”
Then they ran off to slap each other with their new hands.
He’s had a rough 24 hours.
Fred can’t itch his nose or eat a bowl of cereal.
Fred needs rest.
Also, someone should have told Mommy that Fred was resting on the couch before she sat down.